State of Mind and Soul

My name, I'm sorry my REAL name, is Ivan Lawmen. Yea yea yea, laugh it up. Lawmen. ‘Oh do you protect us from the scary bad people Lawmen?’ I’ve always hated that last name, Ivan? Ivan is fine. Many great men are named Ivan, some very scary and mean but still, famous and great. No one knows a Lawmen.

But...I guess its helpped.

I hate crowds. Jump in topic I know but keep up with me. I dont hate people but I hate crowds, make me feel suffocated by walls, an ever moving sea of flesh, thoughts and urges by all sides that never stand still. Then the noise! A background white noise that my mind tries to listen to it all at once. Found headphones helped.

 I have a small group of friends with the same likes and loves as I do, few differences in opinion. Most of them solved by a heated debate and make up pizza but the main one was their love of ponies. My little pony. I dont hate it, I just dont watch it. I'll admit the community is good, some fics I read where dark and funny, got my blood pumping and my head thinking.

But dressing up as one and going to Bronycon? Not my thing. But they forced me, tried to get me to dress up as ‘Manly Fluttershy.” After that comment, I simply walked to my closet, put on a Minato Arisato cosplay, gave them the finger and went to sit in the car. I'm not escaping going to the Con, no they’re too sneaky and crafty for that. But I am not wearing boxers, just fucking boxers out to it. I can also be pouty and in a bad mood the whole time, maybe listen to music. Ruin it for them.

I watch them play into the car, each wearing some cosplay relating to My Little Pony. My friend Andre is wearing a Pinkie pie cosplay but her hair is flat, not puffy. She's also wearing an apron smeared with rainbow and red looking blood.

Her twin sister Anie is wearing a light blue, I mean almost unnoticeable lightly blue skin paint but she's also wearing a skin tight blue zombie shirt making it seem like a chunk of her sides were missing along with featherly stubs on her back. The driver of this wonderful four person team is Jack. Who is dressed up like a steampunk dragon. No, not a dragon made of gears and steam but a dragon dressed in over the top clothing that can ONLY be steampunk. I mean really? Its cool and all but he just can't stop smirking at me. I find it honestly slightly annoying but in his word,

“What doesn't annoy you Ivan-Kun?”

I watch as we drive into the city proper, to the convention building. I use my blue wig, with the VERY long bangs, and headphones to try to ignore the chaos of people around me filling this place to the tippy top. I let out a prolonged sigh sliding my hands into my pocket and slouching over slightly. Oh by the way, I’m definitely not a short person. Easily over six feet tall and a good body earned by daily bike rides and bi-daily swims. They say I have the body for it, and I do. But Minato Arisato equals the most badass silent protagonist. The pimp of the Persona series.

I chuckle slightly looking around. No little girls. No little boys. Just men. Lifeless men. I laugh out loud drawing the attention of my friends who look at me as if I've been replaced by a double but it forgot to study my emotions. I shrug at them sighting a table which everyone avoided saying something about “displaced merchant.”

I break form the group walking to the table to browse its wares, the man behind the counter smiles darkly, “Anything catches your eye sir?”

I bob my head listening to the Icon for Hire song that came on.

“Test my reality

Check if there's a weak spot

Clingin' to insanity

In hopes the world will ease up

Try to make it look like it's all somehow getting better

'Cause I know how to play it pretty good against the measure.”

I scan the selection of his wares eyeing reference after reference to many different games and fandoms. Out of place as only one of two My Little Pony items are on the table but ultimately two items catch my eye, an Evoker and Lucifer's Sword based after the in game model, “I see two. Name your price for the Evoker and the sword.” I keep my voice calm and low even though the music blast and drown out everything from the world around me. But I can read lips and body language. So you know, never have to turn off my music. Yee pe.

The figure smiles holding up 5 followed by a 0. 50? Huh, cheap. I take out my wallet sliding the man a nice looking 50 dollar bill, not a cheap, dirty, and/or crumpled one. A bill someone can be proud of, “Thank you for the business.” The man chuckles and hands me the Evoker and a nice leather belt that goes along with it that also can carry the single handed blade.

I put them in their rightful pleasure chuckling as I began to wonder what my Persona is. Something I associate myself with strongly. Death, maybe knowledge? Giving of knowledge. Prometheus maybe? I take out the Evoker out of its leather case upon my hip, the metal of it feeling nice and comfy in my hands, natural and comforting. Like a item of comfort born from times of strife and pain.

I should explain how it works. Its not a real gun, doesnt shoot a bullet, more...simulates death, creates that rush and panic to bring out your inner well...You. Your Persona, your Shadow after its gained an ego. After it gained personality, thought, knowledge. Your Shadow on the other hand is you, saying all those things you think and push to the bottom and try not to think about it. It’s you, forcing you to face the self you do not wish to accept. An evoker is sort of way around some the normal restrictions.

I jokingly put in to my temple and calm my breath, “Persona.” I pull the trigger and feel something give in the gun, it kicks back, a bang, a tearing pain forcing its way through my mind and manifesting itself in the sound of breaking glass and screams of the crowd behind me. I close my eyes and open them looking behind me to see Minato Arisato’s Persona, Orpheus, floating behind me in blue tinted air. It stares into my eyes, it's glowing red eyes. I know were the same, we are one.

We speak at once, “I agree to this contract, to face the consequences of my choices, their riches and pains.” I watch as an army is born over the crowd, born my heart, my mind, my soul. They are gone and so is my grip on reality as I fall into a deep sleep, falling into a portal.

Celestia stared down the demon called Discord, the master of chaos, the god of disorder, the creator of disharmony, “You. Will. Not. WIN!” She slams her hoof to the ground causing the black and white tiles around her to break into smaller checkerboard patterns.

The draconequus sitting on his slowly spinning throne while drinking a glass filled with chocolate milk. Drinking the glass, not the milk. The milk does form into a pretty little tiara that fits perfectly on his head, never moving as he slowly spins upon his throne of thorns, “Tch, tch, tch. Poor Celestia! This is the third try this month! You even tried poisoning my beloved chocolate milk! My hallmark of my chaos surprise!” He pulls out a gift wrapped box and opens it which sprays the alabaster Alicorn with blue dye matching her coat to her sisters which slowly leached to the same white color of her sisters.

Luna puts her hoof to her lips to try to contain the chuckles trying to force their way out, “Discord your chaos and harm will stop here!” Her voice cracks halfway through her tiny speech as she stares at her sisters now dark blue coat.

Discord stares at the two and laughs harder as the throne stops upside down. He steps off as his horns gain the ability to move and become his ‘legs’ laughing harder, “You? Beat me!? Now that is truly chaotic!” He laughs harder, “I'll make you two a deal, if, in the next few moments a being falls from a portal and death himself is carrying him! Ill let you have two a free shot on little old me!”

I awake to falling over a checkered landscape, the mountains, the plains, the desert. It all looked like a massive checker or chess board for gods to play how they wish. I see the ground approaching me where energy is radiating form like the sun, a bomb waiting to be let off. I put my evoker to my temple in a trance and whisper the words as if speaking an old friend's name, “Thanatos.”

I feel the ultimate rush, the thrill that god's seek when bored, I feel myself die but I don’t. I did something much more scary and unknown, I tore my mind and soul into two. I hear the glass that was my mind breaking and flowing out of me, flowing into a figure of a black cloak creating a hole into blue sky where only three things existed. A brutal looking metal skull slightly prolonged snout hosing the sharpest teeth to tear life away from a body and white gloves to gently carry the soul away from the body and guide it kindly and privately.

I feel him grab me in a bridal style slowly stopping our fall as a line of coffins linked by chains flare behind him, I can feel them, I can move them, if needed I can move him. I can make him fight, I can ask him to fight, I can command him to fight. I can command him to do so much, my grin widens at the possibilities.

We look to the incoming ground. Three creatures stood there, two alicorns, one strange mismatched creature a voice is telling me to call him “Discord.” A being of chaos. A being of not harm, nor malice but simple chaos. Chaos knows not evil or good, just itself. I feel my- Thanatos legs hit the ground standing in between the three beings. He lets me down and bows slightly saying two words, two humbling words. Not a threat, but a promise,

“Memento mori.”

I ask him to return to me, becoming one, but two. I smile watching as he shatters into blue glass flowing back to me rebuilding my mind, refilling the sea that is my soul. I bite my lip trying not to let out a moan as it felt so right, yet so wrong.

I watch in slight confusion as the being known as Discord looks down muttering, “Damn Murphy’s law.”

The two alicorns fire off a spell turning the dragon to stone, he takes the time to pose looking like he's victorious, nor defeated. I chuckle knowing he would of been a fun guy to know and joke with, maybe also to pull pranks with, and maybe on. I look to the two ponies smiling slightly hoping to the deepest of mind that they speak the same as I do, “Hello.”

Honestly it was funny watching them jump. There ears back, there pupils dilated, muscles in their legs tightened ready to run, in a noteworthy action their wings flared and horns grew slightly. I remember a video of a guy calming a spooked horse on youtube one day during summer so I decided to follow in his footsteps.

I reached out, slowly, and stroked its muzzle. I slowly walked up to her till I was at her sides stroking down the midnight blue horses body, I slowly kept stroking as I watch the blue replaced by alabaster

I smile, making sure not to reveal my teeth this time as I slowly settle its wings, and calmed its body. Some instinct in me told me to mount it but it would be mean as I think they can think, “Better?”

The now calm and submissive horse nuzzles my hand as I stroke its pink mane, honestly its strange i'm not panicking. But it feels like a light chorus is helping me, making me go on.

Sun: Rank 1

I chuckle, boom social link. Apparently I'll see more of this horse later on. I look to the now blue horse, same size as its companion. Its looking at me with curiosity in its eyes, bright with wonder and alight with an inner scholar. I walk to it, taking slow steps, offering it my hand once close enough.

I make sure to spread my fingers and chuckle in a kind manner. I nearly jump when I see its horn glow and I feel static cover my hand making the small hairs stand on end as I feel it twist and move without my command or even me asking. Rude but I’ll allow it. “May I ask who you are sir?”

I look at the blue mare in surprise, jumping to the point I almost dislocated my wrist as she's holding onto it in a iron grip. Stronger than iron but that's how the expression goes, “Minato. I'm not a threat but I am a treat.” I rise my other hand in the typical “Hands up” move.

She giggles letting go of my other hand smiling as the other mare, judging by similar body and facial structure, moves beside her smiling in the same kind and happy way, “Well Minato, you will be welcomed to Equestria as a hero!”

First reaction on my part, “That seems hasty.” To see their shocked reactions was funny, I instally denied there offer of heroship and acceptance, “I could be planning to destroy the fledgling kingdom, I could poison your feed, I could be the worst force in the upcoming history. I could be here to corrupt you, to make the sky black, no stars, no moon, no sun.” I laugh throwing my head back looking them in their eyes.

My new blue gray eyes looking cold and dead. Uncaring and unfeeling. But deep in them is an blue sea, “But I could be planning even now to nurture and care for fledgling kingdom. I could bring a great bounty by an unknown power to you, I could be the best instrument of peace you have ever seen. I could be a great purifier and uniter, I could brighten the sun, make the stars twinkle, make the moon dance across the sky in an alluring dance for all to see, to gaze, and think of it as a wonder. So many things I could be. Choice. Now. Hero? Or Villain not yet proven.”

The blue mare is looking at me with a mix of emotions. I can see them in her eyes, I can see her sea in turmoil over a choice, “C-could you make our moon that wonderful?...” Ah, she's insecure about her night sky already. I hope I could curve that.

I smile and bow slightly, “I could make it the center of art, music, and love.” I peek through my bangs to see almost all doubt erased from her face and her eye. I smile as the other one looks at me with care, maybe she noticed it also.

The white one clears her throat, “W-we Celestia and Luna, we declare you the hero of the war of Chaos. Rise, take your spot besides us as an adviser.” I rise slowly as my eyes glow blue, the color shatters revealing again dead gray eyes.

Moon: Rank 1

Hanged man: Rank 1

Fool: Rank 1

Universe Arcana: Active