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                  EX-Cakes 2: world war 3                  
                      -by 5H4W_913_-                       
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                     I'm back, bitches                     
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I'm back, bitches
I woke up in the middle of a dark room. “Where the fuck am I?” I asked.
“you always were confused…” said a voice from behind me.
“If you want this to a dramatic thing, it ain’t working, I can smell you.” I said.
“that thing can’t be so powerful…” she said.
I sighed and told her “name: Corrupt Rainbow Dash, you have blood on your hoof and are wearing a suit made of animal hide or leather, you’re pain level is seven and why the hell do you have a wing boner in this situation?” I said.
She looked at me shocked that I picked up all that info. “Uh… yeah…” she said.
“So, tell me why you cunts put me in these straps won’t you?” I said.
“I don’t have to I found out how to say… disable you’re abilities.” She said.
I had a high-pitched voice and said “BULLSHIT.” And tried breaking free.
“I told-“
I cut her off saying “YOU ARE A WHORE!!!”.
“If I can finish… I put stitches in those slits in your arm so you can’t break free and you’re fangs are cut off.” She said.
“Are you psychic? Cause’ I didn’t tell you about them.” I said.
“No I just noticed a snake coming through and closed it up.” She said.
“Yeah like I said, YOU ARE A WHORE!!!” I yelled.
I saw some guards taking boxes into a facility. They weren’t rainbow factory. “Oh fuck…” I said.
“What? Oh them, yes they are friends of mine from the Clouds Dale armed forces.” She said.
“I though you said they were cunts you never wanted to see again.” I said.
She grinded her teeth trying not to kill me for some reason “I DID, IF I SAY THEY’RE FRIENDS, THEY’RE FRIENDS…” she said.
“yeah sure they are…” I said.
“I TOLD YOU IF I SAY THEY’RE FRIENDS THEY’RE FRIENDS!!!” she yelled. She gave herself a face hoof and walked away, kicking wood planks.
“Heh she thought that I was done?” I said. I grabbed my knife cutting the rope that tied me down. “I just need to stay quiet and walk out of the factory…” I said. The whole time I was thinking “I’m gonna fucking die, I’m gonna fucking die, I’m gonna fucking die…”.
When I walked out I got a sweet feeling of relief. I walked away to see two armed guards. “This should be quick…” I said. I grabbed one by the hoof and bit it, realizing I had no fangs and it would take 3 weeks to grow them back. “uh… this ain’t what it looks like…” I said. He grabbed me and I stabbed him on the head. His friend was running and I threw the knife in his neck.
I ran to the post marks were I met an EX-Cakes member in disguise. He wore the standard A.T.F. uniform, which was black kakis, a white jacket and vest, all bloodstained from riots, protests, disobedient civilians and shootings. He wore an orange backwards cap and sunglasses.
“Head on through the clock is ticking.” he said.
“Yeah no shit Sherlock.” I said. I ran through and saw some bikes, Lucky was on one. “Bikes?” I asked.
“We ain’t attracting attention right?” he asked.
“Yeah…” I said.
“So we’ll make noise if we use something with a motor right?” he said. I spaced out thinking about the last storm of bullets.
“So we were online Friday right?” I asked
“GET IN.” he said sternly.
“Calm your tits dude…” I said.
“I don’t have any bitch…” he said
“True but, the ones on your girlfriend ARE HUGE.” I said
“YOU DON’T GET IN YOU’RE BIKE AND STOP FUCKIN’ TALKIN’ I WILL WHIP YOUR PLOT!!!” he yelled that loud enough for the guards to hear
“The fuck you waitin’ for GET THAT BASTARD!!!” yelled one of the guards
“RUN.” I said. And so we did as fast as we can down the nearest hill. We saw civilization nearby and thought it was our only hope. We jumped onto a pipe and climbed onto the roof. “Just like ponyville…” I said.
“Oh you did it to?” he asked
“On a daily basis, so many areas to do it I never finished the whole town.” I said
“Bet yah can’t catch up to me.” He said
“OH YOU WANNA BET?” I said. I chased him while the armed forces were still looking for us. He threw some boxes at me and I jumped over them. “heh you won’t shake me that easy…” I said. I saw a pole and jumped grabbing it and swinging over Lucky. “Hey I’m not exactly down there.” I said midair. He growled and tried picking up speed.
“HEY GET YOU’RE PLOT BACK HERE!!!” he yelled
“YOU WISH!!!” I yelled about a couple yards away. We made it to some badass cars.
“You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” he said. I smiled at him, broke the wind shield of one of the cars and kick started it.
I drove away yelling “THUG LIFE!!!”. And he just drove normally. We parked at the garage and rainbow dash saw me in that car.
“Shaw what the fuck happened? And where’d you get this badass thing?” she asked.
“long story, short, Lucky busted me out, I jumped a couple rooftops and we had to use these cars to get away from the factory.” I said. Normally a girlfriend or wife would tell you not to steal but she just widened her eyes and said “DUDE THAT’S BADASS.” I responded with
“HELL YEAH IT WAS!!!” And we walked inside. Koroshia looked at me surprised.
“Weird… I thought that was a suicide mission…” he said.
Lucky stared at him and yelled “YOU SENT ME ON A SUICIDE MISSION!?!?!?”
“FORGET I SAID THAT…” said Koroshia. “Right now you should go do whatever the fuck you want, I need to talk to Shaw.” They walked out and Koroshia looked at me. “So the little problem spreads past the factory huh?” he said
“I wasn’t working when it was like this, man remember the description I gave you when I saw some of the anti-Equestrias? I think Clouds Dale was forming its own military.” I said. He looked at me and sighed.
“We’re bringing back the elements of harmony.” He said.
“How? You remember what happened when the factory was in full effect, they all either died or were M.I.A.” I said.
“We just found em’, alright so we already have 2 of the elements right?” he asked
“Right.” I said
“So it should be easier to find them all.” He said. I smiled at him.
“You got their locations didn’t you, yah fucker?” I said.
“Twilight Sparkle, Canterlot. Fluttershy, a cottage in the Everfree forest. Apple Jack, Apploosa. Rarity, Mane Hatton.” He said
“Let’s get a plan and move in!” I said.
“WOAH hold your horses, Shaw! You didn’t get any recovery time.” He said. I looked at my stomach and saw a large scar still on it. “Get some rest, dude we’ll take care of that in a couple days.” He said.
“Yeah… I guess I was a bit quick to start moving.” I said I walked into my room which was just the way I left it except Dash was on my bed, waiting for me.
“There you are…” she said in a seductive voice.
“Wh-what’s goin’ on Dash?” I asked. She gave up the voice and just stared at me annoyed I didn’t join her.
“Ugh, look. I wanna do something tonight.” She said.
“And that something is…” I said. She looked like she was about to speak but, stopped. “Wait you wanna do it with me?” I asked. She smiled and said
“I’ve been for a while, Shaw.” . Then Lucky scratched at the door trying to get our attention.
“Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in, let me in.” he said CONSTANTLY. I eventually opened the door.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!?!?!?” I yelled.
“hi.” He said. I was so annoyed that he did all of this to say “hi”.
“GET OUT OR I’LL RIP YOU’RE HEAD OFF…” I said. His ears went down and perked back up again.
“Ok!” he said.
“Lucky can be the biggest prick sometimes…” I said.
“Hey, give him a chance. He’s a good boy.” She said. I laughed at the way she said that and grabbed a TV dinner.
“Well when are you planning on us doing it?” I said. She looked out the window and smiled.
“How about after dinner?” She asked.
“Sure.” I said. About 15 minutes later I was ready. “So you’re sure you wanna do it?” I asked.
“If I wasn’t I wouldn’t have asked.” She said. We’ll just skip this scene because this is a war/comedy fanfic, not a clopfic.
I woke up the next morning.
“Fuck… man.” I said.
“We just did.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“You know what I meant, Dash.” I said. I looked out the window and Lucky was sleeping out the door. “Thank Celestia he’s asleep.” I said.
“Yeah, no shit.” Said Dash. I got my cloths and got dressed.
“I’M OPENING THE DOOR, FAG!!!” I said. I opened the door and lucky looked at me.
“I thought you didn’t have other cloths, you never change dammit.” He said. I grabbed his fur which tore off right when I grabbed it.
“SHUT UP, FAG.” I said
“Shaw I think I’m gonna sit my plot down for a sec.” said Dash.
“What happened? You alright?” I asked.
“Yeah, just tired after last night.” She said.
“Alright, homie. Get some rest.” I said. I closed the door and walked down the hall, putting my bandana, hoodie and sunglasses on.
“What did happen last night man? I heard some loud noise.” He said.
“Ain’t none of your business.” I said
“Alright, man!” he said.
We walked into the planning room. They were thinking about capturing the elements against their will.
“Aye what the fuck, you doin’?” I asked
“We’re taking back the elements, what the hell do you think we’re doing?” he asked. I laughed when he said that and sat down.
“Sorry, you think you can capture innocent civilians like they’re criminals?” I asked “If we do this we’re gonna do it right, these are the elements of harmony we’re talkin’ about.” I said “We should at least try to act peaceful guys!” I said.
“Remember last time we tried that?” he said.
“THESE ARE REAL PONIES, NOT ANIMALS!!!” I yelled. “Okay look if-“I was cut off when Celestia said.
“Shaw I don’t think-“I cut her off too.
“YOU WERE A WHORE!!!” I yelled.
“No, no I wasn’t” she said.
“YOU WERE AND/OR WHAT I SAY YOU ARE, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, FORMER PRINCESS!!!” I yelled. I planned everything else and it ran smoothly. “Alright we’re after A.J. tomorrow then.” I said and walked to my room.
The first thing I noticed was dash was fast asleep. “Aw… she looks so peaceful.” I said to myself. I grabbed my Ipwn and hooked it up to some speakers, playing Applewood undead at the loudest volume. Specifically everywhere I trot. It surely woke her up.
“WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?” she yelled.
“Good morning.” I said.
“What time is it?” she asked.
“2:00 pm, dash.” I said.
“The fuck?” she asked.
“Time goes by fast when you’re asleep, get ready we’re gonna find the elements of harmony tomorrow.” I said.
“Why?” she asked.
“The man thinks they’ll restore things to the way they were before.” I said.
“Wait, aren’t they M.I.A.?” she asked.
“We found the rest of em’, Dash.” she said
“What about the stones?” she asked.
“I’m sure you’ll all figure that out together.” I said. We carried out the rest of the day normally. PLEASE don’t hate on me for this next scene. I just want to show what would happen if the elements were split apart.
“Please… stop.” said Fluttershy. A white trash Everfree militia looked at her carrying a double barrel shotgun.
“I-I mean d-do what you please.” She said. He threw a Molotov at the forest and walked away.
“I wish I never left.” she said.
“YA’LL GET YOUR PLOTS OUT OF MAH FUCKIN’ TERRITORY!!!” said Apple Jack. A couple of rodents started running. A stallion with a revolver walked behind him.  “Just don’t know when to stop comin’.”  She said. “shit.” She said.
“Wait what?” asked twilight
“YOU’RE LEAVING.” Said someone in charge of something.
“I JUST NEED A COUPLE DAYS!!! PLEASE!!!” she yelled.
“Look I don’t make the rules, now get out.” He said. Twilight walked out of a strange building (unknown where).
“I think I should stop…” said Rarity in a small car
“Are you kidding? I’ve never enjoyed myself more!” said a stallion
“Ok then…” said Rarity.
We won’t go over Dash and Pinkie cause’ we all know they’re doing ok.
“We’ll need heavy reinforcements by the west apartment.” Said Koroshia
“What if they attack from the east? They have air support, commander.” Said Celestia
“WE’RE WORKING ON IT.” He said
“Dude, why are we taking orders from a total bitch?” I asked.
“You call me bitch one more time…” said Celestia.
“More than happy to, bitch!” I said.
“GET OVER HERE.” She said.
“AYE, CALM YO FUCKIN’ TITS!!!” yelled Koroshia.
“Mine disappeared.” I said.
“Shaw, shut the fuck up wait. WHY ARE YOU HERE?” asked Koroshia.
“I find it quiet enjoyable to piss ponies off. It’s easy to piss of Celestia so I’m here to piss her off.” I said.
“Well now that you’re here I have some pony I ENJOY talking to." he said
“WHAT!?!?!?” yelled Celestia.
“Yo, get yo ego in check. Not every pony likes you, now that Clouds Dale’s in control I don’t exactly have to take SHIT from you.” I said. Clearly she was getting mad. She threw a punch at my face and a little bit of blood came out of my mouth. “DAMN…” I said.
“Shaw, we can have a hoof fight later. Celestia needs to say gibberish until she passes out. Go do somethin’.” He said.
I walked to my room and grabbed 44. Magnum.
“How the hell did-“ I was stopped by a high-pitched voice.
“I have a butcher knife with your name on it…” Said a pony I KNEW was Pinkamena. She was having an episode and I had to avoid every hit she threw at me.
“Come at me. I ain’t weak no more though.” I said. She swung once and slightly sliced my leg. The blood dropped on the floor as I moved. I knew the blood made her stronger. “Pinkie. Listen homie, I know you probably got some crazy shit goin’ down but, DON’T take it out on me.” I said.
She started giggling.
“CLOSE YOU’RE EYES AND FALL ASLEEP…” she said in a way that creeped me the fuck out.
“What the fuck do you-“ I was stopped when I felt a prick in my spine and passed out.
I woke up half an hour later tied down.
“Damn… you ain’t for real are you?” I asked. Pinkie just stared at me smiling.
“Don’t take it personally… I couldn’t help myself.” She said. My eyes flashed green again and my eyes started bleeding.
“AGH!!!” I yelled in pain as snakes came out of my legs. They just wandered around really.
“THIS WILL BE FUN…” she said, stabbing me in the left hoof. I yelled in pain.
“GO FUCK YOU’RE SELF!!!!” I yelled. She opened my torso and I passed out