Not Another HiE Fanfic

by Exelion

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Original Character, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2618

Mike is teleported to Equestria, it's time to have a great adventure in the land of coloured, pacific and harmless pastel ponies... right?

Parody of the Human in Equestria fanfics. Mike is a teenager who awake misteriously in a forest and discover he is in Equestria. All his dreams becoming true! But soon he will learn, for the bad way, that not everything is what it seems.

Translated by myself
Edited by Lone
Pre-reading by my awesome friend Miss Spectrum

Published 2015-09-11 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-11 02:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Leafy trees didn’t let pass the sunlight, only a lucky few could touch the grass, or in this case, a teenager called Mike, of sixteen years old, black hair contrasting with white skin, average height and light blue eyes, who lay unconscious in the ground.

The dazzling sunshine woke him up. Mike scratched his head, confused, not knowing where he is or how he had come to that strange place.

“Where am I?” asked Mike.

He looked around and trees were the only thing he could see, until a strange gold shining letters appeared in front of him.

“This is not another Human in Equestria fanfic”

“Humans… Equestria… that means… I’m in Equestria… No way!” screamed Mike, happy and elated. “I have no idea how I came here, but surely I will find out sometime.”

Before standing, the golden letters came up again and showed a new message.

“You show up in middle of the Everfree Forest and decide to search and exit, which you find easily and casually without being eaten by the creatures that live there.”

“Okay then, time to follow the letters’ order,” said Mike, starting the walk to the exit.

Walking through bushes and evading branches, roots, and rocks, Mike made his way looking for a clue of the exit, when suddenly the movement of a nearly brush warned him.

“Who’s there? Are you a ghost?” Mike had asked as he began to shiver.

The creature in the brush growled warning him about his attack for food. Without giving him a chance, Mike run away to escape from the beast who began the chasing.

After dodging sticks, roots and rocks for what seemed an eternity for the non physically active Mike, a wild root caused his fall, ending his race crashing with a tree near a road.

Mike feared for his life when he had heard the beast growling nearby. He quickly get up and climb the tree to save his ass from the creature who wanted to eat him. But great was the surprise when he look closer to the beast who was chasing him, it was a cute little bunny, who came out of the brushes and give him a puzzled look.

“Ahhh, it was you all this time who was chasing me? What kind of injury can make a cute ball of fur like you?” Mike jumped down and raised the bunny “Look, is a path, you lead me here to find a way out of here? You are special y’know? What can I do in return?

The bunny pointed to his mouth and rubbed his stomach. Mike understood immediately what that meant.

“Fine, what do you want for lunch?

The bunny smile and pointed at Mike.

“You’re so funny, now seriously, what do you want?”

He smiled evilly, growled a little and roared wildly like a manticore, his teeth becoming fangs and his front legs, claws. The bunny opened his mouth, and to Mike’s surprise, it was big enough to cover Mike’s entire head.

Mike drop the bunny scared and star running through the road fast as he can leaving behind a smoke trail. The little bunny grumble and leaped into the forest, looking another prey to hunt.

Sweaty and tired, Mike rested in a tree, recovering his breath.

“That… is not… what I expected.”

A shiny light caught his attention, with a quick look he discovered the exit of that place. Still fatigued, Mike quickly walked, praying to not find another wild bunny like the last one in middle of the escape.

When he reached the exit, the sunshine blinded him for a moment. Then, slowly regaining his sight, surprised for the place where it was. Everypony looked at him puzzled.

“What the…”

Mike turned around and read the entry sign.

“Welcome to Everfree square, a little replica of the most famous forest in all Equestria, now in Canterlot!”

“Canterlot?... but I thought I was in Everfree Forest. Well, it’s time to explore.”

Mike started to travel through the streets of the capital, the human look some showcase of the stores in his way, but something inside him was saying that he was watched in a bad way. He stopped in one of the most crowded corners of the city, his feeling was right, all the ponies looked him furiously, like a threat which should not be afraid.

Mike was scary, all that threatening looks against him, it was odd. Suddenly, the golden letters appears again:
“Once in Ponyville, the ponies will notice you - some with curiosity, some with surprise, and a few ones will ignore you. One of the elements of harmony will say hello, maybe Pinkie Pie, and then she will introduce you to the rest and you will make new friends instantly.”

“So I have to find Twilight and the others? But they are in Ponyville and I’m stuck here. Don’t you see what’s going now?” Asked Mike to the letters.

The ponies were shocked to see that weird animal talking to himself. Then, two guards with nothing to lose ran to him and take him down.

“What are you doing?! I’m not gonna hurt you!” screamed Mike.

But they not listen him, in fact, nopony did. Ten ponies, mares and stallions, jumped and smashed the human, forming a pile. His head was the only free part of his body. A foal approached to Mike.

“Hey, little one, help me… please,” begged Mike.

The foal turn around and, in a swift motion, kicked Mike in the head, knocking him out.

The coldness and humidity were presents in each corner of Canterlot’s underground dungeon. In a cell, Mike woke up from his unconsciousness, noting that a fetter attached his body to the wall with a long chain.

"How long I’ve been unconscious? Where I am?" thought Mike.

At his side, a metallic container filled with water caught his eyes. With a little effort, Mike took it and drank only enough to satisfy his thirst; he didn’t know how much longer he would be in that place. He saw two guards guarding his cell, Mike tried to speak with them, but was useless.

The golden letters showed up again:

“Then, you’ll go to live to a house of one of the elements of harmony where you will have delicious food, how water and new clothes thanks to Rarity. You’ll get a job in Applejack’s farm, you'll get in shape and no forget your welcome party with Pinkie Pie. The days will pass, and eventually, your special somepony will get closer to you.”

Definitely for Mike, a positive message like that is only a bad omen, and it wasn’t wrong at all.

Days passed, although Mike was unaware of this. His body clock was useless inside that cave with no sunshine in it. His clothes were torn by the friction of the fetter. His body lost weight and the bones labeled in his abdomen because the tasteless soup that gave him.

The golden letters appeared one more time in front of him, his heavy eyelids revealed eyes dull that have no choice but read the message again.

“In the midst of happiness, Celestia will call you to attend a very important duty, that surely has to do with your arrival. You will be the chosen one to save Equestria from a local or interdimensional threat, or she simply call the elements and you intrude in her business. Also, Celestia will have intentions of know you better to be sure that you are not a danger to Equestria.”

“Happiness… you have to be kidding me,” Mike thought while the letters disappeared.

“The happiness was gone long ago you shitty letters! If you don’t notice it, I’m fettered and malnourished!” Mike screamed.

Feeling useless and defeated, tears came out with moans of sadness that flooded all the dungeon where he was secluded.

Why was this happening to him? Nothing was as he had imagined it. All those fantastic stories… Were they only fiction? Lies? Apparently yes, because he was suffering in a cold dungeon with nothing but loneliness.

He don’t remember when he fall asleep, but a noise wake him up. With half open eyes, Mike saw a white coat alicorn opening his cell and approaching to him. Celestia watched Mike carefully, looking his deplorable state. The human refused to look back to the princess, ashamed, crestfallen.

With a gesture, Celestia ordered the guards to release Mike from his fetter then she grabbed him with her magic at ground level, his toes touching the floor. His mind was a mess of thoughts; his face, on the other hand, was dirty, tired, and inexpressive.

They left the underground dungeon. In the upper floors, they entered in a room with only one spotlight hanging in the center above a metallic table. The light only showed that sector of the room, the rest remained in the shadows.

Celestia put Mike in the table, he weakly yowled in pain while Celestia held his arms and legs to the table. Then, the sun monarch walked away from the artificial light to a table with surgical instruments.

“What’s that? What’s going on?” he thought.

Once again, the golden letters showed up in the roof of the room.

“After an epic adventure, everypony will recognize you as a hero and you will live happily ever after. Maybe you will turn into a pony, maybe not, that’s only a detail. But if you have to come back to Earth, don’t be sad, you will have great memories having lived with the most friendly and pacific living beings that you ever met, the ones you idolize on the internet every day since years. And don’t forget about your romantic meeting with your special somepony, he or she will forget that you are of another species and world and will have a magic night, and if you have luck, you will get laid with all the mane 6 and they never found out.”

“Shitty letters, leave me alone!” he screamed, desperate.

Celestia looked at the human with strange eyes while he screamed to nowhere.

“Looks like the confinement affected both your physical and cognitive faculties,” said Celestia as she inspected a scalpel that she was holding with her magic. “Your language is strange, similar to the other specimens that arrived to this land. It’s a shame that there’s no way to communicate with each other - that would tell us so much about your species. But that never was a problem.”

Celestia approached her horn to Mike, touching his forehead, blinding him with a flash and causing a migraine.

“W-what did you do?”

“You surely want to know what I did it to you. Well, the only way to get information was copying your memories to future research,” explained Celestia as she put a little white ball in a test tube. “I hope this time we can get better results that the last time,”

Celestia shook the test tube, making the white ball hit the walls repeatedly.

“The most curious thing is that the last living being like you that appeared in Equestria knew so much about us that the previous ones, like if you were watching us in a reality show or something crazy like that, with all the things the guards told me before your capture you know about us as well.”

Celestia put a mischievous grin in her face as she put the test tube in a shelf. In the bottom were ten tubes with similar light balls, in the top was a lonely one, far from the rest, labelled “Brony #1”. Celestia wrote “Brony #2” on Mike’s tube and put it in the top of shelf, next to the number one, then she leaved the room.

Mike saw all the tubes and was terrified.

“Where are the others guys she was talking about? What Celestia did to them?! No… this can’t be happening… no, no, no. Calm, stay calm, I have to find a way to get out of here,” thought Mike as his heart was beating in his chest.

Mike tried to break free of the chains, but it was useless, his body was weakly and shaking, his nerves was a mess and his mind was a flow of scenarios of possible endings.

“Look who came to visit, is my loyal friend of the royalty, the Princess Twilight Sparkle,” said Celestia.

“So this is the specimen?” asked Twilight.

Hearing the word “specimen”, Mike tried again to break free but that was useless.

"Looks like he has energy left. What if we finish with this?"

"Princess, I really have to watch the process?" inquired Twilight with displeasure.

"Of course, is one of your royal duties. Besides, this is more practical than to give you a book. You will learn more effectively in this way,"

Celestia grabbed the surgical knife and slowly approached Mike's throat. Scared, Mike tried to get away from that surgical tool, his heart palpitating in his chest, his body shaking in fear.

"No please! I will do anything you want but please don't hurt me!" Mike yelled in despair. "I beg you, please, let me go for God's sake, I'm innocent - please!"

Mike cried, downhearted, dropping tears on the cold table.

The surgical knife was near his throat. Almost feeling the coldness of the instrument, a chill travelled through his body.

"P-please, please! Twilight, listen, you are a special pony, forgive my life and I will be your slave for the rest of my existence. I will do all your royal tasks for you, even helping your servants or the servants of your servants. I promise you eternal devotion, I will love you the rest of my fucking life, we'll have tons of children if that is what you want, I will treat you like a God and save Equestria together, that's okay?"

The madness took control of Mike.

"That's what you wanted shitty letters?! I said everything you desire to happen and all that I win was this horrible death! What's supposed to mean?!" Mike yelled, laughing insanely.

“Actually there’s not much to learn, things can vary differently in what one imagines, beside I already warned you…”

“Princess Celestia, Can we finish with this? Besides disgusted I feel filthy, like if he was talking to me in a inappropriate way,” said Twilight.

“It’s okay, is time to finish this, if you’re still moving so much, this gonna be in the bad way,” said Celestia while approaching the surgical knife quickly to mike’s throat.

“This is not another Human in Equestria fanfic.”

That was the last thing Mike read before the surgical knife pierced his throat.

Mike screamed. The sound of his scream traveled for all the room, the hallways, the dungeon, to nowhere.

In that moment, Mike woke up, scared, and fell from his bed while the alarm rang at his side. Sore, he took his shaking hand and turned off the alarm.

With heavy breathing, he put his hand to his throat, making sure that everything was fine, then sighed deeply in relief. At the end, all was a nightmare, albeit certainly a very weird one.

“Mike? Mike?! Is everything okay in there?” asked his mother.

Mike stood quickly and answered, “Yes mom, it’s okay.”

“Good, come down to breakfast or you’ll be late to school.”

“Coming!”

He dressed and brushed his teeth to begin a new day, but first he checked his computer that he forgot to turn off last night, finding some fanfics and images both grimdark and gore open. Switched off the computer and came down to breakfast.

“Is the last time I see that things before sleep,” he whispered to himself.