Time Lords and... Colts?
Part of the Confessions of an Immortal Time Lord series
***
That day was finally going to be perfect.
You may laugh at me, but there is nothing I like better than a peaceful day spent on doing deeds of my own device, that is, not saving the Universe, not travelling through Time and Space and positively not dealing with the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
On that fateful day, of which I'm going to tell you, I managed to avoid the first two displeasing (yet rather exciting) activities. Alas, the same can't be said about the latter.
After a few incidents including Sweetie Belle, I learned that if there is a time when schoolfillies are most active and vigourous, it is early in the morning, when I am drinking tea in my TARDIS or having breakfast or doing something that I personally want to do (for a change, you know?)
That day was no exception.
Do you know how real tea is made? No, you don't!
First, you take a few tea leaves.
Then, you sniff them. The aroma must be astringent, with a bit of bitterness.
You cut the leaves, carefully, so that they won't lose their flavour.
Then, you crumble up the pieces and put them into the teapot.
You wait five minutes and-
"Doc, need your help!"
-and then a rainbow-coloured whirlwind crushes through the open door (Note to self: Never. Ever. Leave the door to the TARDIS open again. The fresh air will wait) and breaks the teapot. And the table, for that matter.
I sighed and mechanically, with the proud stateliness of a pony not unfamiliar with such circumstances, wiped the tea from the floor with my screwdriver.
"Are you by any chance a Cutie Mark Crusader now, Rainbow Dash? Because only those little, ignorant, irresponsible fillies would interrupt my Five O'Clock! I'm British, for buck's sake!" I roared, cherishing the belief (somewhere deep, deep in my heart) that that would make the loyal pegasus leave.
"It's five in the morning, Doc," Rainbow replied with a not-amused-not-in-the-slightest glance.
"A British stallion has his Five O'Clock anytime he wants!" I yelled proudly.
"Oh, you're ever so proud," the pegasus said mockingly and smirked.
I hoped my almost-theatrical performance would take her mind off whatever she wanted to ask me.
"Yes, as a matter of fact," I stated firmly. "The Sun never sets over the British Empire, you know?" I continued with a hint of damaged pride in my voice.
"Well, lemme tell you something: The Sun never sets over my fla-" Rainbow began.
"-And that's enough. More than enough," I interrupted her. "I hear you need help? I'm at your service," I continued, mentally facehoofing. Seriously, my special talent has to be connected to getting into trouble. I do it on a weekly basis, you know? High time I got paid for that... Hmm...
Mental plan
1) Talk to Celestia about getting paid for getting into trouble
2) Get banished to the Sun
3) ???
4) PROFIT!!
"Hey, Doc!" Rainbow Dash shouted, waving a hoof before my eyes.
I snapped from my dreamy thoughts and sighed.
"I'm all ears," I said.
"I'm all awesome, what's the big deal?" the blue mare replied with a shrug.
Now that was obligatory, right?
"Anyway, I need some help with Scootaloo," Rainbow Dash said simply.
"Do elaborate," I said, already knowing that trouble was just waiting for me on the doorstep.
"You see... She, well, um..." the mare blushed and mumbled the end of the sentence. However, I didn't hear it.
Rainbow Dash blushed. I was so astonished by that fact that I just froze in place. What's next? Twilight burning books? Rarity wearing a mohawk? Fluttershy fighting bears? ...Forget the last one.
"Beg your pardon?" I said upon coming round completely.
"I SAID SHE HAS A COLT!!" the pegasus yelled at the top of her lungs. Into my ear. Ouch.
An awkward silence crawled into the blue box.
"Was- was that too loud?" Rainbow mumbled.
"No. No, the place's soundproof," I lied. No, really, you would think an elaborate spaceship like my TARDIS is soundproof. Well, that's wrong. Just plain titanium walls, no magic, you know?
"Ahem," I coughed. "Anyway, what's wrong with Scootaloo's having a colt? I mean, she's in her teenage years; the stuff happens, you know?"
"But I wanted her to date a filly!" Rainbow Dash blurted out.
As if the silence weren't awkward enough...
The pegasus blushed again, yet I wasn't half as shocked this time.
"So... I see your barn door swings the other way and all... But isn't Scootaloo the one to choose?" I wondered.
"I know but... When she talks about that colt and all- I just- I like the filly and I want her to have only the best! And mares are far better than stallions!" Rainbow Dash yelled, throwing a hoof in the air.
I raised a brow.
"No offence intended, Doc," she said apologetically.
"None taken," I replied friendly, when a sudden realization struck me. "So you like the filly, huh? Are you by any chance a foal mole-"
"NO, I AM NOT! She's like a sister to me," Rainbow Dash explained.
"Oh, I see. In this case, it's family business, thank you and good ni-" I began, pushing the blue flyer out of my home.
"Do I have to remind you about the accident with the Master?" Rainbow said in a sing-song voice, making me stop dead in my tracks. "Fluttershy's house~"
"I get the idea. Sweetie Belle told Scootaloo, and she told you," I speculated, while Rainbow Dash nodded.
I sighed. Now that was a reason to help the rainbow-maned pony.
"All right, what do you want me to do?" I asked, already tired of the yet-to-begin affair.
"I want you to help me make her forget that colt and find a decent filly," Rainbow Dash said in what probably seemed to her a confidential tone.
"In other words, you want me to make a lesbian out of Scootaloo?" I specified. "Wasn't there a law against that?"
"There was, but there isn't one now," the mare stated plainly. "So we're calling on Scootaloo now or what?"
"We sure as hay are," I replied with a sigh.
***
As we trotted down the path to the Crusader's headquarters, I admired the morning scenery.
The blue sky with a hint of clouds - courtesy of Cloudsdale - added some vigour to my awful life. Not as much as a good cup of tea would, though. The green, smooth crowns of nearby trees were dancing a slow waltz to the music of the wind. The birds were performing such amazing manoeuvres that I made even a non-flying creature like me envious. Rainbow Dash's blue flank was shining as the sunlight fell onto it; I wouldn't mind getting closer to her and-
Ahem, enough with the scenery. When we reached the Crusader's tree house (a.k.a. impregnable headquarters), I saw that we were in luck: only Scootaloo was still in the house, reading a book.
Yes, Scootaloo was reading a book. Don't get me wrong - I'm just telling you what I saw.
"Scoots!" Rainbow Dash greeted the young filly.
The orange pegasus raised her head and leaped into the blue mare's hug.
"Rainbow Dash! Thanks for letting me read "Daring Do and the Estate Agent"! It's awesome!" she yelled, jumping around the place like a little schoolfilly. Which she totally was.
Daring Do and the... Estate Agent? Am I the only one who thinks the author of Daring Do has become plainly lazy?
"Oh, Doc! Hi!" she shouted, shaking my hoof.
I smiled indulgently.
In reality, I really hate when I'm called Doc.
I hate it ever so much.
"So what're you here for?" Scootaloo enquired, looking over me, as if I had dirt on my perfectly clean coat.
I wash my coat three times a day, mind you! Sometimes, even four times a day! ...Make it five. Or six. I begin to wonder if it's some kind of mental disorder...
"Oh, nothing special," I replied nonchalantly. "I hear you have a new colt?"
The filly's eyes lit with happiness.
"Oh yes, my first one!" she said proudly, making Rainbow Dash wince.
"Care to tell me about that colt of yours?" I asked carefully.
"Oh, but of course!" the little pegasus began. "I really like my colt! When we're together, I feel very secure. It's like there's nopony in the whole Equestria but us. I can really rely on my colt, always. And, what's more important, what really makes me proud - and sometimes scares me - is the size of the barrel!" she finished her tirade, leaving both Rainbow Dash and me speechless.
"The... barrel?" I repeated dumbly. "You mean... Oh crap..."
The case was closed, my little ponies. The once little filly had obviously become a mare. ...With a large-barreled colt, no less.
Rainbow Dash gulped.
"Scoots..." she began, putting a hoof on the filly's shoulder. "Aren't you... you know? a bit too young for... that? Big... barrels and all..."
"Oh come on! If I'm young, that doesn't mean I have to stick to small ones! Besides, Applebloom told me she does use her colt's barrel all the time! A filly must learn how to do that at the early age; that's helpful for the future!" Scootaloo assured the mare.
"Applebloom does that... too?" the blue pegasus asked with distrust.
"She sure does! She sometimes even uses Big Mac's barrel, since it's bigger than that of her colt's!" the orange filly replied.
"Somepony needs to tell Fluttershy about that. And Applejack. And the police, for that matter..." I muttered under my breath.
"Hey, RD, I heard other ponies say you do that from time to time, too! So what's wrong with that?" Scootaloo continued.
Rainbow Dash blushed deeply.
Oh, so her barn door did swing both ways.
Mental note: make a note of it. Oh, already made. CHECK!
"But-" I tried to reason the little pegasus to no avail.
"I don't now why you guys disapprove!" Sweetie shrugged and took a few steps back. "You know- I'd better show you my colt!" she concluded.
I blinked in surprise. How in Equestria would she-
She approached the cupboard and took a shiny metal object from it. She brought it to us.
It was a gun.
"A 55 Magnum, at your service, fillies and gentlecolts!" Scootaloo bowed mockingly.
Rainbow Dash stared at the gun for a while, then touched it carefully.
"It's... a toy gun?" she wondered, a nod from Scootaloo confirming her guess. "I... I thought you were talking about a colt... as in, coltfriend," she said in relief.
"Oh, why would I want one?" the filly asked, raising a brow questioningly. "I'm a lesbian."
I turned round and made my way back home.
At least I still had my tea.
***
I did not.
A few minutes later, I stood before the shop counter, cursing my inability to buy endless tea.
"What do you mean - you have no tea?! Your shop is called Tea and Smoking Pipes!" I yelled in disbelief.
"Sorry, pal," a stallion behind the counter said. "We've really no tea left. Want a smoking pipe?"
I groaned and walked away.
That day was going to be perfect, indeed...
***
Author's note.
...In my defence, I can say that the story was originally intended to be called *Time Lords and Fluttershy's Enormous Cock*.
