Joel, The Element of Badassery

by Flufflefic

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3818

The 7th element comes to light...

Joel was a normal guy. He lived a normal life, with normal COD players from normal sniper clans. One day that all changed. He can travel across dimensions, and is a fucking unicorn. Deal with it. Human tag for intro. Daszkin made the cover art, and did a damn good job of it, too. Visit him here

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-02 02:56:10 UTC

Episode 2; Cliches Intensify

          Joel knew what a brony was. All to well in fact. A few months ago he dabbled in the fandom, but stayed out for the most part.

          "Where am I," Joel exclaimed to nopony in particular. "And why the FUCK AM I NAKED?" He escalated his voices after noticeing that he was unclothed.

A MORS sniper rifle was slung across his back. Whereas one would instictually grab said rifle with their hands to inspect it, Joel's horn glowed and brought the iron deviece within visual range.

          "Great. A unicorn," Joel chuckled. "How fucking gay."

          Getting back on his hooves, he studied his surroundings. He was in a Technicolor prairie of gayness. Words could not describe just the overall gayness of everything.

          "Let's try teleporting." Joel stated enthusiastically. Whereas the grabbing and lifting magic was by instinct, this just made a fool out of himself.

          "Glad nobod- pony saw that." Joel said adgusting to the local dialect.

          He may have spoken too soon however, because out of the sky came a rainbow colored pegasus.

          "Yo dumbass," Joel called, directing the creatures attention. "Can I hitch a ride?"

Episode 3; Catcharide!

           In the clouds, on the way to the other mane five who we're about to enter a large cave, was a good time to strike up some conversation. Joel had already mad the connection to the ponies from the show, but none the less referred to them by their main color.

          "So what brings you here," The cyan pony asks. "The names Rainbow Dash by the way."

          "Joel's the name," Joel responded. "And to be quite honest, I have NO fucking clue." Dash looked quite taken aback by Joel's vulgarity, but continues to speak nonetheless.

          "What's that's device on your back?" She asked, changing the subject from the stardard meet and greet. Joel responded by quickscoping a nearby bird.

          "Holy shit!" Dash exclaimed, swearing as Joel did. Joel just smiled and put it back sling on his side with his magic.

**********************************##*******************************

Dash landed quite abruptly, not accounting for the extra passenger. The scenery was beautiful, being in the mountains and by a dark cave and all.

"What are we doing here," Joel asked. "Names Joel." He said interrupting himself to declare himself among the six ponies before him.

"Well," Dash said, ignoring Joel's question. "Time for a pep talk."

Episode 7; Roomies, With Benifits

          Joel fidgeted in the barbers chair for 15 minutes. It was almost 11 o' clock. What day didn't matter. When the barber was finished he bolted out of the chair, leaving a crumpled up 5 dollar bill, forgetting that the main currency was in fact bits in Equestria.

         11:10. The beginning of any clubs party. He ran around, in the same fashion as for the barber's shop, only this time looking for a club. Eventually he was hailed by flashing lights, and ran into the building, with no care for what it was called.

          Lights flashed. Ponies stumbled. Shit hit the fan here in every way possible at the the layout of the club reminded him of a school cafiteria. After purchasing a beer (a breakfast stout, to the bartentenders urges) he made his way to the front of the crowd. Deadlocked blasted on the speakers like there was no tomorrow, which may have applied to some of the ponies.

          Out of nowhere, the DJ grabbed Joel's arm and hoisted him up to the stage.

          "This one goes out to my new friend here..." The DJ slurred, obviously dead drunk, making her easy pickings Joel thought.

          "Joel," Joel declared. " And I think we're going to get together just fine!" Joel said feeling the few sips of the breakfast stout kick in. (Don't be fooled, it's a powerful drink.)

          The DJ laid down a new track, and put down her martini. Beyond her Garden began playing, and the DJ grabbed Joel's hoofs and began a stumbling slow dance.

          "DJ Pon3 is the name, but you can call me Vinyl." She whispered into Joel's ears so sexilly that words cannot explain it. They danced well into the night, kissing, and at one point just rolling arount the stage, making out. After countless hours, the crowd began to thin. Joel and Vinyl stumbled out of the club, holding hoofs.

          "Come with me," Vinyl said, implying that the night was far from over. "If you want to be shown a good time, of course..."

          Looks like Joel found his shelter for a while.

Episode 11: General Goods

         Joel was not what one could call "ethically well rounded" or "intelligent", but had a hell of a reaction time, which made up for the other two.  Anywho, Joel decided to budget his money. Rusty Shackleford would go towards random shit he wanted, and Joel would go towards not so random shit he needed (rent, Friday night's dinner).

         With the rest of the day free, Joel decided to go to the store. He asked around and found that he could jet good deals at WoonaMart, a supermarket, not more than 2 miles away. With a heaving sigh, Joel began the shittiest adventure of his life. Within 15 minutes he was there, thanks to simple teleportation spells that were short distance, but easy to cast, which is what really mattered.

         When he entered WoonaMart, he immediately noticed the smell. The type of smell that's from China and new things. He lifted a basket with his magic and trotted along at a steady pace, ready to get rid of the Rusty Shackleford half of his budget. As he traversed the rows upon rows upon rows of things from Poinikea,he noticed something. He would probably be given the houses guest room, which was a barren room, devoid of anything interesting or worthwhile. He pulled down a few cheap furnishings and continued looking around.

         One package of Swedish meatballs later, Joel was done, and fucking exausted. He walked up to the register payed with his bits, and got his ass home. When he got there,he began work on his bed, bedside table, dresser, shelf and meatballs. It was going to be a long day.

Episode 12; Meatballs and Cheap Furnishings

          "Ding!" Joel immediately recognized this as the oven finishing it's meatballs that he was heating up. He poked his head out of the small guest room, almost cautiously, then proceeded to the oven to claim his savory delicacy.

          He flew through the hallway haphazardly. The meatballs were going to be his little secret, not the whole households. Alas, he was all but too late as a shadowy figure stood in front of his, preventing passage, or movement for that matter.

          "You ruined my recording. Octavia said, with her unidentifiable orchestral instrument In hoof, brandishing it threateningly. Luckily, Vinyl was there to prevent her pet peeve from siccing the poor colt right there on the spot. With the likelyness of a mother cat tending to her kittens, Vinyl hoisted Octavia over Joel, and replaced her looming presence with a devastating question. "Are those meatballs?"

          Game over. Abort mission. Those were the only things daring through Joel's strained mind. "Yes." he struggled.

          "They smell good. Can I try one?" She asked rhetorically, proceeding to lift one up with her magic and took a bite out of it.

          "NO," Joel demanded. "Those are mine, and THIS IS SPARTA!" Joel screamed out of nowhere, and in one swift motion lifting the tray with his magic, cradling them just so they would stay on the pan as he flung himself and the Swedish delights into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. "And tonight," He said, finishing his torn up quote. "We dine like kings!" He said.

            Joel inhaled the enticing aroma of the meaty blobs of savory art. The smell could drive a man to kill. Without further ado, Joel shoveled the meatballs down his throat, when he thought the most he had ever had for another person. His brain thought as follows: if want keep waifu, must keep waifu happy. Obviously this is a euphemism for his mental capacity when it comes to keeping others content, sharing, and other gay shit like that, but for real; he wasn't going to leave Vinyl out there for no reason.

          It was decided. He would hand over the meatballs. He slammed open the door and walked up to Vinyl, pushing through Octavia, whose scowl could kill a pony, and offered one to her.

          "Aww," Octavia teased. "How romantic!"

          "And how many coltfriends do you have?" Vinyl defended. "Oh yea, that's right; none." She finished, and to rub it in, she gave Joel a rather non consensual kiss on the lips.

          "Fine," Octavia said, clearly not giving two fucks. "You win." She slowly trotted back to her room for restart the recording. Joel and Vinyl sat down on the couch to finish the meatballs when a call came in. Vinyl picked up the receiver and after a few "uh huhs" and an "ok", she hung up.

          "Dj deal, next week." She recapped, giving us less intelligent folks a chance to understand what was going on. Joel nodded and threw a meatball her way. When she caught it, she left the room to God knows where. Joel remembered that he still had Ponikea furniture left. He returned to his abode as well, only this time, he would actually try.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

          After four uneventful hours, Joel gave up on his hopeless excuse for a well built footlocker. Besides that, he had the normal bedroom set finished, all in black whateverwoodikeausesthatnooneknowsabout. He invited Vinyl inside, and she flipped. Octavia gave it a 'A for effort', but nonetheless, gave no shits. Joel sat down on his cou- er throne, and reclined in his modern castle. He deserved it. Vinyl was already asleep on his bed. He decided to join her, resting his head on the cheap-ass hay, letting Luna put him to sleep, despite only being 6:00 PM.

Episode 1; Dafuq?

          Joel sat at his desk. In front of him flashed epileptic lights, sure to induce a seizure to any common passerby, but Joel was different. He has adapted, and the lights hardly fazed him. In his hands played a XBox one controller, argueably better than its predecessor. The controllers rumble features went crazy, partially due to the fast hands perk he has taken, partially because of his utter mastery of the MORS sniper rifle.

          Clans compeated for his loyalty, yet he was only a mercenary, helping struggeling clans of distinguishably smaller sizes compete in top tier championships. To his mind it was all the same. 360. 720. 180. Quickscope. Noscope. Trickshot. To him he was a chef, and the terms were his condiments. With each passing day, he became better and better, until today.

          It was 4:20 when Joel unknowingly entered the legendary Konami code. To put things quite simply, a portal opened. After struggleing and many futile attempts to resist the impending vacuum of the portal he decided that he should just fuck it and go with the flow.

Episode 9; The Hangover, Part 69

          Joel was awoken by Vinyls rumblings in bed (couch).

          "Ugh. What time is it?" Joel said getting to his hoofs. He came face to face with a grey pony with a a cup of coffee, and a dissatifactory look sprawled across her face.

          "10:58 to be exact." She responded to the rhetorical question. In a split second reaction, Joel let out a womanly scream, waking Vinyl up.

          "Unhg," She mumbled "What?"

          "Uhhh, I ment there's an intruder," Joel said boldly. "I'll save you!" Joel reached for his MORS, ready to bust the fucking brains out of the bitch, when some magic began to interfere withe his quickscope.

          "Joel, babe, calm down." She said, sleepily and sexily. "This is Tavi. Tavi, this is Joel." She finished licking Joel's neck.

          Tavi shuddered. "That's Octavia to you." She said putting a hoof to her chest. "Did you finally find someone to go out with? You don't have many preferences, do you?" She said, directed directly at Joel.

          "She pushes all my buttons..." Joel responded slyly

          "Just as you do mine..." Vinyl said with the same tone as before, resting her head on her lovers flank. "Come lay with me babe..."

          Joel got back onto the couch, stained with their juices, and snuggled with the DJ, kissing each other all over.

         "Just adorable. That SOB better pay the rent, or he's out." Tavi said, than turning around timing her chello for her next concert, this afternoon. After about 15 minutes of this, she stood up and left.

          "How will you pay for the rent, babe?" Vinyl asked. "With you here, it's now..." She did some quick calculations in her head. "256 bits per month, per resident."

        "Don't worry; I've got a plan." Joel said.

        "I love it when you talk like that..." Vinyl said, than continued the kissing.

Episode 4; Leeeroy!

          "Ok guys, these eggsheads have given us a lot of trouble in the past," Dash said, referring to the guardpony. "Does anypony need anything off this guy? Or can we bypass him?"

          "I think Joel needs something from this guy," Applejack said, referring to the same guardpony

          "He needs that armor. Isn't he a unicorn?"

          "Yeah, but that will help him heal better. He'll have more mana." Fluttershy said.

          "Celestia..." Rarity exclaimed

          Joel meanwhile was staring into the cave. It whispered to him...

          "Ok, what we'll do, I'll run in first, Gather all the eggs. We can kinda just blast them all down," Twilight said.

          "I will user intimidating shout to kinda scatter them so we won't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once When my shouts done I'll need Rarity to come in and drop her spell too So we can keep them scatterd, not fight too many. When she is done, Joel needs to run in, do the same thing." Dash said.

          "We're gonna need divine intervention." Fluttershy whispered

          "On Fluttershy, so they can AE, so we can of course get them down fast Cause we're bringing all these guys, I mean, we'll be in trouble if we don't get them down quick I think it's a pretty good plan, we should go pull it off this time," Dash said. "What do you think Twilight? Can you give me a number crunch real quick?

"Yeah, give me a sec," Twilight responded. "Im coming up with 32.33, repeating of course, precent of survival"

"That's a lot better then we usually do..." Dash says.

          "-Alright, thumbs up, lets do this, Joooel Basar!" Joel screamed out of nowhere, running into the cave.

          "Oh my Celestia, he just ran in." Fluttershy said weakly.

          "Save him -Oh Dash -Stick to the plan!" Twilight screamed, directing the rest into the cave.

          "Oh Celestia, let's go let's go!" Applejack shouted .

          Inside the cave, it was a frenzy. Huge bat creatures attacked them from everywhere.

          "Stick to the plan, stick to the plan!" Twilight screamed again.

          "Oh Fluttershy, oh fuck. Do divine intervention!" Rarity called

          "I can't do that with all these distractions!" She whined referring to the creatures.

          "I can't move, I can't move -What the hell?" Applejack called out.

          "I can't AE -Oh my Celestia." Said Twilight, giving up.

          "I don't think you can cast with that shit -Oh my Celestia" Rarity explained

          "Oh my Celestia." Said Applejack.

          "Celestia dammit Joel. Celestia dammit" Twilight criticized.

          "Joel you moron." Fluttershy joined in.

          "I'm trying. It's not my fault." Joel called back.

          "Joel, you are just stupid as hell." Rarity said

          "At least I have chicken..." Joel said taking a fairly large bite of Scootaloo.

Episode 5; Undoubtably Hospitalized

          Joel slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the white and bright lights.

Great. He thought. All just a big dream.

          A quick overview of his body, however, confirmed quite the contrary.

          "Hi Joel!" Pinkie Pie said whilst jumping in a full body cast.

          Joel nearly jumped out of his skin. His front left hoof was bandaged, as was his left bottom, more likely broken than not. A quick survey of the room revealed that the rest of the mane six were also in full body casts not much unlike Pinkies. The rest were all asleep. Joel was in the center of a 3x2 array of beds, containing the injured ponies, as if mocking his foolishness. The room was blank aside from the gurnies.

          As if someone were out there, watching over him, his IV began to fill with a pink liquid. It will be over soon. Joel told himself, as he drifted to sleep.

Episode 6; Royally Screwed

          Once more, Joel opened his eyes, revealing the "welcoming" faces of the mane six.

          "Morphine..." Joel struggled, the drug being the only word needed to survive in the hospital. "What happened? What time is it? By the looks on you guy's faces, I either did something amazing, or royally fucked up." He groggily continued.

          Twilight frowned, confirming the latter, thus sealing Joel's freindship (and getting laid) chances at zero.

          "You nearly killed us all, and severely hospitalized Scootaloo for several days," She said. "Just because I thought you were worth saving. Your on your own. Your ass is grass BITCH." She added with such force that even Celestia cringes at the unbecomingness of her young protoge.

          "Where the fuck is my MORS? Joel asked, rather forcefully. Rarity threw it into his lap and walked away, the others following suit.

          After they left, Joel examined his surroundings. The quick look over revealed he was in a hospital lobby. He needed a home. And fast. There were two ways to go about doing this, one being out of the question. He trotted as fast as he could around town searching for a barber. After 10 minutes of looking, he finally found his target. He ran into the empty barber shop and catapulted himself into a chair.

         "Yo Scissor Hoofs!" Joel called genarically to the barber, in leiu of finding his name.

          "Actually, my name is-" the barber responded

          "Take a quarter inch off, and make it snappy!" Joel said, cutting off the barber. The barber obliged and got to work immediately.

          It was time to get laid.

Episode 8; Putting That Sex Tag To Work!

          Joel followed Vinyl to her abode, stumbled inside, and flipped on the lights, but keeping them dim with a dimmer switch. Vinyl began to strip, and Joel followed suit, taking off what little clothing they had. Leaving their underwear on, they took to more intimate relations with on the couch. Vinyls panties were soaked and Joel's boxers swelled, so they were both in clear need of relief. Joel massaged Vinyl through the panties, eliciting a small moan from the mare.

          "Ladies first." Joel stated, and his partner showed no resistance. She whipped off her panties in record time, tossing them into the corner. She immediately climbed over Joel's head, and sat down, urging him to drive her to relief. Joel restlessly ate her out, starting by lapping at the sides of her legs, than moving on to her mound, and began to slowly lick her tasty folds.

          Every minute was pure bliss for Vinyl, being in control, gave her the same high controlling the music at the club did. Joel was great at this, and decided to turn the pleasure meter up to unbridled ecstasy. He picked faster, upon faster, upon faster until Vinyl was howling like a dog. Than Joel quit, seeing how long his lover could take the wait.

          "FUCKMEYOUDIRTYCUNT!" Vinyl screamed as Joel quickly pulled the finishing move. He licked he love button, and she exploded on to his face, for 10 seconds straight. Vinyl reached for a Kleenex, now blushing immensely, but Joel swatted her hand out of the air.

          "You taste delicious." He said, trying more of her mare cum.

          "Your turn," Vinyl said seductively pulling down Joel's boxers, revealing his modest 7 inch (this is horse we're talkin' here) cock. A small bead of pre cum lay atop Joel's shaft. Vinyl, quick to notice, removes this instantly, via mouth. She ran her slender tongue along his shaft, causing him to sweat. She took the flared tip into her mouth and began suckling on it. After two minutes of this, Joel was about to announce his load being blown, when she stopped, giving him the worst case of blue balls ever.

          Joel was to frazzled to say anything, but when he was about to, she relentlessly deep throated him, forcing his load into her awaiting mouth, swallowing it all. They both cuddled up to each other, spooning.

          "So where do you live?" Vinyl asked.

          "I just got here today," Joel responded.

          "For a night like this, you can stay here." She said with hospitality dripping from her voice, as she went to sleep. Joel curled up around her and did the same. Mission accomplished

Episode 10: Shackleford, Rusty Shackleford

          Deciding to go get the previously mentioned capital, Joel prepared to go out. He brushed his blue fur, combed his yellow mane, and exited the tiny townhouse.

          The air was fresh, and many flowering trees were booming giving the day a romantic effect, which apparently the other ponies picked up on, deciding to go outside, meet some new mares.

          The town square was packed, in all but the place Joel wanted to go. As he traversed the town, scanning for his destination, he saw a few ponies he knew. Applejack frowned at him from across the town square. Joel's answer; avoid eye contact. It seemed to work fine. With what few bits he scraped up he purchased 3 pounds of lead (6 bits). 1028 grams of sulfur (22 bits), 1.4 pounds of charcoal(2 bits), and potassium nitrate (free, from dumpster behind power plant).

           Free from the daily chores, Joel went off to the Government complex, which was surprisingly hard to find, and just as equally suprising at how empty it was. Joel walked up the the old, ugly receptionist. Within 10 minutes, he had applied for the Ponyville unemployment program. He took his 30 bit "per diem", and exited to the colts bathroom. He quickly applied a fake mustache and went back out.

         He went back to the receptionist who, being nearly blind, couldn't tell the difference. After reapplying under the alias Rusty Shackleford, he, his bag of materials, and Joel exited the building. Source of income: Found