Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

by ADRNEL

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Sex, Main 6
Length: 19808

A Monty Python-esque tribute with ponies

What if all the characters of My Little Pony are in a Monty Python-esque world, a world without any rhyme or reason and only exists to baffle and entertain others?

This is what happens. Join the mane six plus all the background ponies in an adventure in the absurd and random, where sketches can last however long they feel like it and punchlines are optional.

EPISODE 1: It's Frederic Horseshoepin! / Famous Deaths / Japanese Lesson / Film-Flam Butter / Magnet Of The Arts / Fancy 'Two Bits' Pants / Sapphire Shores Scooter Race / The Funniest Joke In The World
EPISODE 2: Flying Sheep / Chinese Lecture On Sheep Aircraft / A Stallion With Three Plot Holes / A Stallion With Two Snouts / Musical Mice / Marriage Guidance Councillor / The Wacky Sun Princess / Working Class Adult Star / A Pony On A Llama / The Wrestling Epilogue / The Tree Problem
EPISODE 3: Court Scene / Larch / Sofa & Quill Salespony / Foal Stories / Restaurant Sketch / Seduced Mailpony / Stolen News Reporter / Foal Interview / (^_-) (^_-)-☆
EPISODE 4: Song / Art Gallery / Art Critic / It's A Stallion's Life In The Royal Guards / Cross Dressing In Public / Self-Defense / Secret Service Dentists

Stars the mane six plus any other character when necessary.

NOTE: Hoity Toity does not appear in this fic.

Published 2016-04-12 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-27 21:59:45 UTC

Whither Vanhoover?

At an empty seashore, an old and ragged pony struggled to swim to shore as he fought the strong currents. But slowly and gradually swam to the shore, desperate to reach it before he drowned. But much to his relief, one of his hooves touched the floor beneath the water, he was close. Completely exhausted, the old stallion with a smoking pipe as a cutie mark and his thick horn rimmed reading glasses dragged himself out of the water and on to shore, glad to have survived. He coughed loudly and gasped.

He unceremoniously plopped himself on the warm sand, he lied down on his back, limb splayed everywhere. He opened his mouth to quietly exclaim what he wanted to say, and with great effort, loudly proclaimed. "It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

At a very fancy television studio, Twilight Sparkle confidently walked in towards her desk. She quietly made sure the studio was ready to go live. On cue, Twilight used her magic to pull out her chair and plop her rump down on the seat, only for a loud fart sound to emanate from her seat. The unicorn sat there wide eyed, stunned and embarrassed at what just happened.

At a blackboard, Pinkie Pie crossed out a chalk drawing of a whoopee cushion as she tried to hold back her laughter.

At another studio, famed Equestrian pianist, Frederic Horseshoepin sat at his piano and finished up with performing a concerto he wrote himself. He turned his attention to the camera.

"Ah, hello, welcome to another exciting edition of 'High Culture', I'm your host once again, Frederic Horseshoepin and tonight, we'll be discussing famous deaths in Pony history." he said with a smile. "Tonight, we'll see a re-enactment of the death of Khan, the famous Yakistanian conqueror, take it away Mr. Khan."

Khan, a large male yak, proudly surveyed is land from outside his yurt. He happily paced around outside as he complicated how prosperous his life has become, the conquering, the females, the riches, all for him.

"Hey Khan!" yelled a new voice. Khan looked to see a yellow coated stallion with a cannon, he raised an eyebrow with confusion. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" the stallion happily exclaimed as he fired his cannon, a loud explosion filled with confetti and streamers enveloped the yak, but it was all too much for the great Khan, whose heart froze with fright and suddenly collapsed on the ground.

Cheese Sandwich looked over the yak's body in stunned silence. "....Khan?" he was dead.

Witnessing the entire action from afar, three judges, present their scores at what they just saw.

Vinyl Scratch gave a smirk and a 4.6, Octavia gave a 4.7 and Rarity gave the whole scene a 4.9. A grand total of 14.2 out of 15 points.

"Ouch, just short Mr. Khan." commented Frederic. "Nice to have you on though, now let's turn to Silver Shill to see the latest scores."

At the score board, Silver Shill explained each of the scores. Firstly, St Lawrence is in the lead with 15 points from his roasting and good nature about it, then we have Edward II with the hot poker up the butt, then at third place Isodora Duncan, lovely lady, wouldn't mind having a piece of her hehe." he chuckled. "Anyways, then we have Tycho Brahe and then James Garfield after being killed by his doctors, he would've made a great president, such a shame, then finishing up the board is Khan at 14.2 and in very last place is Adolf Frederick for eating himself to death and 1.6 points. Back to you Frederic."

Frederic at the piano nodded at the results. "Thank you very much Silver, tight competition we are having this season, now let's move on to your requested death, for Rainbow Dash of cloud mansion overlooking Ponyville, the death of Lightning Dust."

Outside, Lightning Dust happily trotted in the park as she took in the nice day, but suddenly, a piano came down a promptly crushed her. "Sorry!" sheepishly apologized Derpy from above.

Frederic looked at the studio clock to see that it was time to end the show. "Anyways, it is time for the end of the show, I hope you enjoyed the program, and we'll see you again next week, at the same channel and time, and now before we go, a re-enactment of the death of Kurt Christoph Graf von Schwerin, Prussian field marshal, good night." the stallion waved everyone goodnight.

At the top of a cliff, a pony dressed in Prussian military uniform leaped off as he shouted out "Let all brave Prussians follow me!" he soon landed on the ground below with a loud fart noise.

At the nearby school building, Cheerilee crosses out a chalk drawing of a whoopee cushion and the writes on the board "Neighponese Evening Class". The mare happily turned to face her class. "Welcome to the second Neighponese class, yesterday we learned the names of all meal utensils in Neighponese, so can anyone tell me what the word 'Spoon' is in Neighponese?"

The entire class, all ponies from Neighpon threw up their hooves, they fought for her attention. "Easy there everyone, one at a time, uh, Gorou." she pointed to one of the students.

"スプーン" answered Gorou.

"Excellent Gorou, or as the Neighponese would say, よくやった!"

"ありがとうございますチェイリー先生、ご親切に感謝!" Gorou happily bowed before he sat back down.

"Anyways," Cheerilee happily continued her lesson. "Today we'll be talking about how to introduce yourself in Neighponese, specially, stating where you come from." she wrote on the board. "For example, if I wanted to say that 'I am an Equestrian from Ponyville' I would say '私はエクエスツリア人、ポニービルから来ました'." she explained. "Okay everyone, let's speak it together."

The whole class including Cheerilee spoke the line. "私はエクエスツリア人、ポニービルから来ました."

"That's great class." the teacher complimented. "Now let's try it with someone else." she looked through her class roster and randomly picked a name. "How about, Mr. Masaki." A Neighponese pony stood up. "Okay Mr. Masaki, tell me where you are from."

"鹿児島、先生." answered Masaki.

"Ah, so you are Neighponese I assume." commented the mare.

"はい" he confirmed with a bow.

"Okay, in this case you would say. "私は寧本人、鹿児島から来ました."

"ああ、そうです、ありがとうございます" Masaki bowed with gratitude before he sat back down.

Another student quickly stood up. "あの、すみません先生!" he tried to catch Cheerilee's attention.

"Yes Fumio?"

"私は鹿児島から来ない! 私は大阪から来ました." Fumio explained with confusion. The teacher raised an eyebrow with confusion.

"Come again Fumio? You are speaking too fast."

Gorou stood up again and began to speak in the best Equestrian he could muster. "My friend say that-" a hoof shot up, interrupting Gorou.

"나에게 선생님 실례!" another pony who wore sunglasses and a hoodie stood up. "나는이 한국 클래스라고 생각했다?" he explained.

"Oh, Rain, didn't see you from back there." Cheerilee apologized. "The Korean language class is immediately after this, so you can wait outside until then." she explained.

"고맙습니다." Rain nodded and quietly walked out of the classroom.

Gorou continued on where he left off. "My friend say that he from Osaka and not from Kagoshima."

"Oh, I see..." the teacher finally understood what was going on. "Then Fumio should instead say '私は寧本人, 大阪から来ました."

Fumio just stood up with excitement. "大阪は世界で最高の町です!" he yelled with ecstasy about his foalhood home.

"Now he say that Osaka is better than Kagoshima." continued Gorou as he translated.

"But we have not yet learned comparatives Fumio." explained Cheerilee in an attempt to calm Fumio down. But suddenly, the whole class erupted in arguing as everyone passionately debated on which Neighponese city was better. The teacher unsuccessfully tried to bring order in her classroom but it was of no use. Cheerilee just gave up and decided to sit at her desk and take a swig of alcohol from her personal stash but as she sat back down at her desk, a loud fart sound startled her; she sat on a whoopee cushion.

At a supermarket, Granny Smith walked in to buy her groceries for tonight's dinner. Her attention was, however, caught by a stand that sold a new brand of butter 'Film-Flam Butter' operated by the con-artist twins, Film and Flam.

"Hey old lady!" they pointed to Granny. "Why don't you try our new Film & Flam Butter, nine out of ten housewives can't tell the difference between this butter and a dead skunk." they offered her a free tub of their butter.

Granny just gave the twins an annoyed look. "Listen here ya two, if ah ever catch ya sellin' yer fake wears around here again, ah'll slit both ya'lls faces." she suddenly pointed a switchblade at the two. "Understand?!"

The twins just nervously sweated in fear for their lives.

"And now, another edition of 'Magnet of the Arts', with your host, Trenderhoof."

The curtain rose to reveal Trenderhoof on a chair across from that night's guest. "Good evening everyone, tonight's guest is one of the most prolific artists of all time, her work stretches from fashion photography and performance arts, she has recently gone into film, producing and directing her first ever movie 'Cup of life' a 45 minute movie showing nothing but close up shots of vaginas, please welcome my guest for tonight, Miss Photo Finish."

The audience applauded as Photo Finish waved to everyone. "Nice to be here."

"Now Photo...mind if I call you Photo?" he asked, slightly nervous.

"Not at all Mr. Trenderhoof."

"Okay, that's good." he sighed with relief. "It's just some ponies take that very seriously for some reason." he chuckled. "So I ask just in case."

"I completely understand." assured the mare.

"Okay, good, so Photo is good?"

"Photo is fine by me."

"Good, because it makes my job so much easier and makes the interviewee more open to answering questions if they are comfortable and such." he nervously continued. "Okay, so Finish...mind if I call you Finish?"

"I don't mind, some ponies call me Finish."

"Well of course, I feel like it is much more casual."

"Photo, Finish, either is fine by me." she assured.

"Ah that's great!" he exclaimed with relief. "Okay, first question Photo-baby, what was your inspiration for your latest fil-"

"I refuse to be called 'Photo-baby' though!" she sternly interrupted.

"What?" he asked confused.

"You called me 'Photo-baby' and I don't like that." she explained.

"Did I really call you that?" he asked, still confused. He turned to the production crew. "Did I really call her 'Photo-baby' Jim?"

"I wasn't paying attention, so I wouldn't know." said Floor Director Jim through the studio speakers.

"So I don't think I called you Photo-baby, schmoopie-poo."

"Don't call me schmoopie-poo!" she yelled at Trenderhoof.

"Can I call you Rich Bitch?"

"NO!"

"Fraulein?"

"NO!"

"Cum dumpster?"

"What's wrong with you?!" she was at this point agitated and disgusted.

"Can I call you Larson?"

"Why Larson?" Photo Finish was at this point confused.

"I think that name suits you well." he sheepishly explained.

"Buck this, I am leaving." she got up and trotted out of the studio.

"I JUST WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOUR FILM!" Trenderhoof exclaimed with desperation, he was on his knees ready to grovel.

"You wanted to talk about my film?" Photo Finish reluctantly came back.

"Please...it would be nice to hear about why you decided to make such a film." he explained.

"You're not going to call me Cum dumpster right?"

"I promise I won't, now please...just come back and talk to me about your film." he pleaded.

Photo Finish smiled and happily sat down in her seat. "Well...I have always wanted to make a film like this since I started feeling the affects of estrus, back when I was just a twelve year old, at the time I was never a thing about sex, but luckily, my uncle was there to give me a really hooves on lesson in sex ed-"

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore." Trenderhoof got up without warning and walked out of the studio in disgust.

"That was 'Magnet of the Arts with Trenderhoof' tune in later tonight where Sapphire Shores will make Equestrian history by performing a complete concert while riding a scooter. But coming up next, a special episode of 'Biography' profiling-" the narrator was suddenly interrupted by a loud fart noise. "Damn it Pinkie."

"One of Equestria's biggest and influential ponies is Mr. Fancy Pants, here tonight to talk about his new book 'Unbridled Success', please welcome my guest tonight, Mr. Fancy Pants." announced Time Turner to the audience. Filthy Rich happily walked in and took his seat.

"Good to be here."

"Now, before I talk about the book, there's a question that everyone wants to know, why do some ponies call you 'Two Bits' sometimes?"

"My nickname among my close friends?"

"Yes, Two Bits, how did you get such a name?" Turner asked with confusion.

"Most ponies I know call me Mr. P, it is only my very close friends, family and wh...I mean, escorts, that call me Two Bits." he explained.

"And do you indeed have two bits?"

"Actually, the word 'bit' comes from the word 'bit on the side' which among us rich means a mistress, or as you low brow ponies say, 'fuck buddies'."

"So, do you have two mistresses?"

"No, I just have one, but a few years ago I held a sexual contest to decide which mare should be my second mistress, but couldn't find any mare as good as my current mistress, but since that day my friends all call me 'two bits'." he explained.

"Despite the fact that you still only have one?" Time Turner asked for clarification. "So, are you planning on getting another mistress?"

"Why? I'm happy with the one mistress I have." Fancy Pants was confused.

"To make your nickname more accurate."

"Not right now I am not." he firmly answered.

"Anyways, about the book." the brown stallion decided to move on. "Did you write this book while having sex with your mistress?"

"No!"

"Have you come up with any creative works while shagging your mistress rotten?"

"She's just a mistress!" Fancy Pants complained.

Suddenly, a photo of Fancy Pants' mistress, Fleur de Lis was project on the wall behind them. It was an explicit centerfold from Playcolt magazine. But Fancy was too into the conversation to notice.

"Are you thinking of getting another mistress to shag with?"

"Stop with the damn mistresses for buck's sake!" exclaimed the rich unicorn. "All ponies ask me about these days is about my mistresses, I am getting sick and tired of this whole thing okay? I have one mistress, thought about getting two at one point, and that is it! I just want ponies to talk to me about me, my life, my success and my writings!" he ranted at the end of his rope.

"So I assume you are going to let her go someday?"

"Someday."

"But then you'll be 'no bits'."

"FORGET ABOUT THE MISTRESSES!" he yelled.

"Okay...okay...we'll talk about your book then." Time Turner assured.

"Yes, my book." relieved.

"So, you say this book is semi-autobiographical am I right?"

Before Fancy could answer the question, he suddenly noticed the photo that was projected behind them. "Is that a Playcolt centerfold of my mistress?!"

"Who?" Turner nervously tried to play ignorant.

"My mistress, Fleur, take it down!" he demanded with boiling rage. Turner nervously gave the stage crew the signal to take down the photo. Once the photo was put down, Fancy started to calm down. "Much better."

"So...uh...Mr. Fancy Pants, I heard that you have an impressive model train collection." just as Turner asked the question, a series of photos of Fleur de Lis having sex with an unknown mare started to play.

"Come again?" asked Fancy for clarification.

"That you have an impressive model train collection, am I correct?"

"What does that have to do with my book?"

Trenderhoof suddenly marched into the room with a serious look. "Is Mr. Two Bits here giving you a hard time Turner?" he asked.

"Kind of, he wouldn't allow me to talk about his mistress." answered Turner with disgust for the interviewee.

"In that case Two Bits, leave before we call security on you!" threaten Trenderhoof at Fancy Pants.

"What is going on here?" the rich pony was confused. He was quickly grabbed by security officer Bulk Biceps and dragged out of the studio. "HEY!'

"Get your own arts program you satyriasis man-slut!" yelled Trend before their guest was taken away.

"And that was Fancy 'Two Bits' Pants everyone." announced the narrator. "And now, the latest report on Sapphire Shore's concert on a scooter, here reporting the story, is HRH Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight sat on a desk as she began her report. "Sapphire Shores, the great singer in Equestrian pop music history, with 53 platinum certifications under her belt from the RIAE and 27 number one hits, tonight, she'll be performing an entire full-length concert while riding a scooter across Equestria. Now let's turn it over Pinkie Pie where she'll explain the route that Miss Sapphire Shores will be taking for her tour, Pinkie."

Twilight turns it over to Pinkie who stood by a detailed street map of Ponyville and the surrounding towns. "Well, according to my sources, Shores will start here." places a pin on the map. "At Haychester, then she'll scoot down the E15 to Fletwell then take the E136 so she can access the E2 north of Hindend. From there, Shores has a straight run down the E2 until he reaches the South Roundabout. This run is also historic since no pop musician has ever sang down the E136 and survived past the heavy bison traffic near Bison's Green Reservation, Dash."

Pinkie turns it over to Dash who sat by a scooter. "Shores will ride a blue sapphire studded three speed 971 Raleigh Super, a nice scooter if this where the 970s, back to you Twi."

Twilight was at her desk. "Now let's get the latest report on this mobile concert with Rarity who is down at the Fletwell overpass, Rarity."

Rarity sat by an empty stretch of road in the middle of nowhere. "No sign of Miss Shores yet Twilight, but I do have with me, part time scooter rider, Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts." she gives the mike to Spitfire.

"Shores should be fine as long as she avoids the whistle register as much as possible, so no songs along the lines 'Emotions' or anything like that since it can several affect her stamina, she should watch for the head wind that is common along the E136, but other than that, she should be fine." the captain explained.

"Well, there you have it darling, so, with no sign yet from Sapphire Shores, it's back to you Twi." Rarity signed off.

"Anyways, I just received word that Miss Shores is about to turn to the E2 at Hindend, so let's take it over Lyra Heartstrings who is there right now." explained Twilight.

Lyra stood at the fork of a road just outside the village of Hindend. "Twilight, I see can see something happening right now, she coming down this way and from the sounds of it, it seems that she's singing a song from what I believe is her latest album, I can hear some whistle tones there and some bass and-" Granny walked up to Lyra and nudged her, it interrupted the unicorn. "Huh?"

"That's not Sapphire Shores, that's Pon Replay, the other pop star that nipping at Sapphire Shore's behind." explained Granny.

Lyra looks at the mare on the scooter. "Oh Celestia, you are right! That is indeed Miss Replay performing her song 'Umbrella'!" she got extremely excited. "And I think I see more coming...yes...oh my goodness...there is indeed more!" she grew more excited with each passing minute. "There also goes Madonna followed close by with Sir John who is playing a portable keyboard while on a scooter, then closing the gap is Swift Wind, the country star, and then Prince, Hammer Carpenter with her brother, Def from the Leopard Congo, Gaga! Gaga! Miss Twain, all these greats including our very own Celine Dion!" she exclaimed without one breath as all the scooter riders sped pass her.

"Celine Dion is Prench!" clarified Granny who was still next to Lyra.

"Yet still no sign of Sapphire Shores, so until then, back to you Twilight." Lyra reported, still on the look out as Gaga roller bladed past her.

"Well, I think I know what just happened Lyra, since I just received a report that Sapphire Shores fell off her scooter after crashing on a whoopee cushion while taking an unplanned short cut, no one was hurt and I think she's currently servicing a fan that helped her back up." explained Twilight who relayed to the audience of what she just heard. "Anyways, on that disappointing note, it is time to say good night here on 'Magnet of the Arts', good night everyone." a large fart sound suddenly emanated from Twilight much to her shock. "And that was defiantly not a whoopee cushion...bye." she blushed beat red as the screen faded to black.

Documentary Tonight!

In a small messy room, Written Script labored away at his desk as he wrote his attempt at joke writing. He absent mindlessly continued to write as he long ago lost all control of his life.

This is Written Script, writer of novels and screenplays, at this point in his career the only writing gigs he has received are terrible fanfiction commissions and pornographic films, but tonight, he would unknowingly write the funniest joke in the entire world...and as consequence...die laughing.

The stallion looked back at what he wrote to see if there was anything good among the crap, but he soon came across something that he did not expect. He began to chuckle in reaction to what he just wrote. The chuckle quickly turned into deranged laughter as he collapsed on the ground as he clutched his chest. He continued to laugh despite his growing difficulty to breathe, the laughter grew louder and louder until silence fell across the room. He was dead.

It became clear, that no one can read the joke...and live.

Carrot Top ran into the room to see her lover on the floor with a frozen smile on his face. "WRITTEN! NO!" cried the yellow mare. "I knew things were bad, but not to this extant!" she began to cry. "Who's going to serve as my male sub now?!" she exclaimed to the ceiling. But she quickly noticed a piece of paper next to him. "A suicide note?" she assumed. She picked up the paper and began to read it. But it was not long before she began to laugh uncontrollably, she suddenly felt her heart explode and she collapsed, dead, right on top of her lover, coincidentally in a sixty-nine position.

Hours later, outside the carrot farmhouse, Bon Bon was on the scene to report of the latest deaths. "Shortly after eleven o'clock here on Golden Harvest Farms, comedy struck as both Carrot Top and her lover Written Script, were found dead to asphyxiation from laughter, the Royal Guards have quarantined the area and with me now is Royal Guard captain, Flash Sentry." she gave the mike over to Flash, in full armor.

"As leader of this battalion, I will enter the house and attempt to remove the joke." explained Flash.

Behind them, they heard crazed laughter from inside before they saw Doctor Stable jump out the second floor window in hysterical laughter. He died instantly on impact. Flash continued on with the interview as if nothing happened.

"I shall be aided by the sounds of 'Cinderella' by Steven Curtis Chapman and 'Gloomy Sunday' playing on repeat on a record along with my battalion chanting funeral laments...the depressing atmosphere should protect me in case I should ever end up reading the joke." continued Flash.

He gave the signal to his battalion and the laments and songs began to play. Flash sternly put on his helmet and with a brave face, marched into the farmhouse.

"There goes a brave guard." explained Bon Bon in awe. "If he comes out alive, he'll be a hero and will get my P.O. box address, if not, he'll be awarded posthumously for his efforts." she reported.

Suddenly, Flash ran back out of the farmhouse laughing hysterically, he used his wings to carry the paper with the joke written on it. But before he could reach his battalion, he collapsed on the ground, dead. His battalion removed their helmets in respect.

It was not long before the Royal Guards and Celestia became interested in the defensive potential of this killer joke. Under tight security, it was presented at a meeting in Her Highness' Defense Ministry.

A royal guard with a saddle bag carrying the joke inside ran into Defense Ministry headquarters in Canterlot to present the joke. After the door closed, laughter quickly emanated from the building as all the occupants inside could be heard dying off until it was once again complete silence.

Top brass was impressed. Tests confirmed that the joke had an effective range of 19 lengths

A group of guards looked out from their bunker to see a lone guard out in the field, 19 lengths away from the lone guard, two more guards stood next to an easel that was covered up. A flag was quickly waved and the two guards at the easel immediately uncovered it and dived for cover. The lone guard squinted his eyes to get a better look at what was written on the easel, after about a minute of trying to comprehend the joke, he predictably started to laugh and suddenly collapse on the ground, dead.

The guards in the bunker looked at each other with impressed looks.

The scene cuts to Celestia who walked along the guards while speaking directly to the camera. "All through the winter of 943, I ordered translators to work in joke proof conditions to make a Griffin version of the joke. They each worked on a single word per day for maximum safety. One of them saw two words and promptly ended up in a coma for a month, but apart from that, the joke was immediately ready by the first month of 944." she explained nonchalantly.

So by the summer 944, the joke was ready to be told to the enemy at the Dásos forest in the Griffin Empire

Some royal guards huddled in a trench in the forest, hoping to not get detected by the enemy. Their commanding officer quickly got an idea. "Let's tell the joke." he whispered. Everyone grabbed their copy of the joke written in the Griffin language and got ready for the signal. "TELL THE JOKE!" their commander ordered.

"Αν είναι o νυνστρυξκ γιτ και σλοτερμεψερ? Ναι! βειηερηυνδ o ή o φλιππερωαλτ γερσπυτ!" read the pony guards.

At first, there was silence with a few hushed conversations coming from the Griffin trenches. Suddenly, all the enemy popped out from the trenches in extremely laughter before promptly dying.

A fantastic success, and one that the Griffin king cannot match

A film is shown of the Griffin king making a joke. "ο σκύλος μου δεν πήρε καμία μύτη!". A young Griffin guard responded with "πώς μυρίζει?", as the king responded with "απαίσιος!"

In action, the joke continued to wreak havoc in the war

The Equestrian guards charged at the Griffin army, they loudly read the joke to them. Many of the enemy promptly laugh and die, with several falling from the sky.

And the amount of Griffin casualties was astounding

At the Griffin field hospital, many of their injured continued to laugh manically as many wore straight jackets. It looked more like an insane asylum than a hospital at this point.

At a prison camp, a female Griffin officer named Gilda savagely beats a stallion pony guard named Caramel. "What is the joke!?" demanded Gilda as she slapped the pony guard in the face.

"I will only divulge my name, rank and why did the Griffin cross that road!" smirked Caramel as he spat blood on Gilda's face.

"Grrr...I want to know the joke!" she punched him in the stomach.

"Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" gasped the stallion. "How do you make a Griffin cross?" he asked.

Gilda played along, curious. "How do you make a Griffin cross?"

"Tread on their tails!" he exclaimed before he stomped hard on Gilda's tail. She let out an eagle like screech of pain.

She quickly grabbed Caramel and pinned him against the wall. "You will tell me the joke or else I'll be forced to switch from making you feel pain to pleasure!" she explained.

"I've fucked griffins before, I know what to expect!" stated Caramel, defiant to the end.

"Oh really?" Gilda smirked. She showed Caramel one of her talons. "Since you have fucked one of us before, I bet you are not stranger to this act." Gilda with a smile slowly brought her talon down to his privates.

"No, wait!" panicking. "Not up there, that's where I pee from! No!" he tried to fight her off. "I'LL TELL YOU THE JOKE!"

Gilda dropped Caramel to the floor. "Right answer dipshit." she laughed. She quickly went over to the type writer to write down what her prisoner is going to confess. "This should be good."

Caramel reluctantly began to say the joke to Gilda. "Αν είναι o νυνστρυξκ γιτ και σλοτερμεψερ? Ναι! βειηερηυνδ o ή o φλιππερωαλτ γερσπυτ!"

Gilda stopped typing. "That was the joke?! That was lame!" she groaned with annoyance. She looked at the joke a second time but a snicker came out. She quickly covered her mouth. "Oh crud! Not cool!" she ran out the door but quickly collapsed out on the hallway floor in laughter. "Damn you!" she yelled between her laughs before she predictably died.

Caramel ran off to escape but was cornered by another griffin with a sword. "Αν είναι o νυνστρυξκ γιτ και σλοτερμεψερ? Ναι! βειηερηυνδ o ή o φλιππερωαλτ γερσπυτ!" he said with lightning speed before the guard had a chance to strike. The guard just keels over and dies after a brief chuckle. Caramel quickly escaped.

But at Potámi in the autumn of 944, the Griffins worked on a joke of their own.

A griffin scientist nervously told his proposed joke to his boss behind the desk. The boss looked unimpressed as the scientist read the joke. "Το ένα είναι κιννερηυνδερ και δύο μαξκελ και προσεύχονται πω είναι το σπρεξηενσιε ξλυβηουσε. 'Όχι' συζήτηση των κυρίων Είναι 'αυφερν βοργερ με ζϝειτινγεν'." the scientist nervously laughed.

"Εμείς θα σας ενημερώσουμε" was all the boss said before he signaled one of the guards in the room. The guard proceeded to skewer the scientist through the heart with his sword to kill him.

But by the final month of the year, the Griffins were ready with their own version and their King gave orders for it to be broadcast in Equestrian across radio stations in Equestria.

Fluttershy was in her cottage as she anxiously listened to the radio broadcast.

The voice on the radio spoke in a thick Griffin accent. "There are two peanuts, walking down the street, and one was....assaulted! Peanut!" laughed the voice before the broadcast cut off and the Griffin national anthem played.

Fluttershy just looked on with confusion. "That wasn't funny...I don't think..."

The scene then switched to an Equestrian countryside, where the narrator, Spike, walked around. "In 945, peace was achieved after the King bribed Celestia with twice her body weight in baklava to stop the fighting immediately. Five years later, joke warfare was banned in a special meeting of all the kingdoms, much to Celestia's reluctance too. In 950, the last remaining copy of the joke was padlocked into a lead lined box and buried 12 feet deep in this grave here." Spike pointed to a small graver marker that read:

'To the unknown Joke'

"The joke would never be told again." explained Spike. "This has been 'Documentary Tonight!' with me, Spike the dragon, good night, and good luck." he then walked off towards a random direction.

At the beach, the Cutie Mark Crusaders used sticks to poke at the old stallion's body. To their shock, the old stallion quickly got up and ran into the water, he started to swim away from shore. The three fillies looked on with confusion.

Whither Vanhoover? features appearances by:
in order of appearance...
HRH Princess Twilight Sparkle
Pinkie Pie
Frederic Horseshoepin
Khan the yak
Cheese Sandwich
Vinyl Scratch
Octavia
Rarity
Silver Shill
Lightning Dust
Derpy
Cheerilee
Granny Smith
Flim-Flam Brothers
Trenderhoof
Photo Finish
Time Turner
Fancy "Two Bits" Pants
Rainbow Dash
Spitfire
Lyra Heartstrings
Written Script
Carrot Top
Sweetie "BonBon" Drops
Flash Sentry
HRH Princess Celestia
Gilda the Griffin
Caramel
Fluttershy
& Spike the Dragon

Pinkie suddenly popped up into the screen. "Oh, and whoopee cushions win 9-4 against the Equestrian quadrupeds, and will go on to meet Victoria Justice in the final." she announced before she just as quickly disappeared.

Sex And Violence

At a large sand dune, an old pony quickly ran down it, only to promptly tumble down. He continued to tumble down the hill, hard, until he made a complete stop at the bottom. The old pony coughed up sand from his mouth before he caught his breath.

"It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

At a farm outside Ponyville, Big Mac quietly and stoically observed the farm's flock of sheep. As he did that, Filthy Rich calmly walked by. "Good afternoon." he said to the big red stallion.

"Eeyup."

Filthy decided to strike up a conversation before he returned home. "A nice day out isn't it?"

"Eeyup."

"So, you here to take in the country air as well?" asked the business pony as he stood next to Mac.

"Nnope, ah live here." answered Mac without emotion.

"Oh, that's nice." Filthy decided to scan the field, only to get confused by the sight. "What's this? Are those REALLY sheep?" he was baffled.

"Eeyup."

"Well...that's what I thought...but..." he tried to find the correct words to describe what was happening. "...why are they up in the trees?"

"Fair question," Mac nodded. "ah've been askin' that myself all week, but in my opinion, they're nestin'."

"Nesting?!"

"Eeyup." Mac confirmed.

"Like birds?!" Rich was completely stunned.

"Eeyup." Mac confirmed. "It's my belief that the sheep now believe that they're birds. Take a look Mr. Rich, notice their tendency to now move around the field on their back legs." Mac pointed to a sheep that was doing that. "Now notice their attempts to fly off that apple tree." he points to a tree. "And now see how they plummet instead." loud noises of sheep hitting the ground hard and bones breaking echo across the field, Filthy looked on with disgust at how the sheep hit the ground. "And observe this mama sheep teachin' her young daughter how to fly." the little sheep jumped off the tree but immediately plunged to the ground, breaking her neck on impact, killing her. "Blind leadin' the blind like ya fancy folks like to say." he mused.

"But why are they acting like birds?!" asked a dumbfounded Filthy Rich.

"Eeyup, another question ah've been askin' myself." nodded the red stallion. "All ah know is, is that sheep are not biologically designed to fly like birds, Griffins, bats and Pegasi can, they have no wings, their bones are too dense and heavy, and they even lack the claws needed to perch properly." as he said that, another sheep fell to the ground after a failed attempt at perching. "But the thin' is, sheep are very dumb and once one sheep gets an idea, all the others follow." the farmer pony explained.

"But where did they get such a ridiculous idea?" exclaimed Filthy with shock.

"From Pom, she's asleep over there under that tree, now she's mighty dangerous because she's a clever sheep, and there's nothin' more dangerous in the animal kingdom than a clever sheep." he pointed out. "She figured out that all sheep do is graze around a field for a few months and then get slaughtered for their meat to be served to carnivorous creatures." he explained. "So she hit upon an idea of escape."

"Why don't you just get rid of Pom?!" he asked completely confused from the display.

"Because of the potential money makin' opportunities should she ever succeed." smirked Mac as bit signs formed on his eyes.

In another location, two nerdy scientists stand in front of a diagram of a sheep. They began to speak rapidly in pseudo Chinese. "晚上好 - 在这里我们有一个英法羊的现代图表...现在... ... BAA-AA，BAA-AA......我们，在头部，船舱。这就是小英队长，Trubshawe先生." said one scientist while pointing wildly at the diagram.

"布赖恩明亮，无论你是." agreed the other.

"好吧，好吧. 现在我介绍一下我的同事，著名有点装饰，约翰·布赖恩." continued the first scientist who began to babble on like a mad pony before he deeply kissed the other scientist.

The second scientist happily kissed back before he broke it so he can speak. "现在，羊......登陆腿高跟鞋，不错." he pointed out as he placed stickers of wheels on the feet of the sheep on the diagram.

"那么，这里的车轮!" the first scientist happily pointed out.

"这是伟大的，是不是?" the second scientist began to describe a jet engine through charades.

"旅客的行李......他们...点击这里!" the other scientist quickly removes the sheep diagram and replaces it with a diagram of a sheep-shaped plane. Soon, the two began to flap their arms around as if they're wings while "baaing" as sheep.

"Ya know, ah've noticed a lot of these Chinese tourists around these parts." stated Granny Smith to her equally elderly friends.

"Oh yes." "Very much so." they agreed in unison.

"And how do you feel about these Chinese tourists?" asked Bon-Bon to the elderly group who was interviewing them for a news story.

"Why, they are very polite, but they do like to keep to themselves though." explained Granny.

Her friends all agree in unison.

"Besides, there are so many famous Chinese ponies throughout history aren't there?" asked Granny Smith rhetorically.

"Confuscious." "Sun Tzu" "Mao Zedong" "Jackie Chan"

"Oooh! Jackie Chan! Have any of you bought his newest album yet? It's amazing!" mused one of the elderly mares. All the elderly mares continue with their run down of famous Chinese historical figures.

"And now for something completely new!" began Pinkie. "A stallion with three plot holes!" she announced with excitement.

At a television studio, Time Turner sat with another stallion across from. The brown stallion grabbed his note cards and began the interview. "Good evening, tonight, I'll be interviewing Mr. Tre Fori, who has...uh..." he suddenly became uncomfortable when he saw the reason he was interviewing Mr. Fori came up on his note card. "Well...you have...uh..." he wanted to say it but was afraid of causing offense. "Well, Mr. Fori, most ponies have only one...but you have...you have..."

"Come again?" asked Mr. Fori with confusion.

"So...are you comfortable sitting there?" Turner asked.

"Oh yes, I am quite comfortable." nodded Tre.

Time Turner looked over at the stallion's rump in a discreet mannor. He sweated bullets. "Uh...Fori...in base a...your...rump..."

"Che?!" exclaimed Tre with confusion.

"Your flank...bottom...cushion..." he did not want to say the word for fear of offending his guest and audience.

"My what?"

Time Turner then whispers at his guest. "Gluteo."

"Ah, mio culo!" he happily announced as he finally got what the host was trying to say.

"Shhh!" exclaimed the host. "The RCC is monitoring us!" he warned. "Anyways, I understand that you have a certain addition to the area we are talking about right?" he asked.

"I have three...uh...what you say...ani." Mr. Fori happily clarified.

"Oh, that's great, fantastic!" Turner breathed a sigh of relief. "Now, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to well..." he secretly motioned for a camera to go behind his guest. But Mr. Fori quickly noticed.

"Ehi! What's that camera doing back there?!" he yelled with annoyance.

"Ignore the camera Mr. Fori, I was just wondering if you would be willing to show us, so can you be so kind as to well, bend over and move your tail out of the way so we can-"

"Cosa!?" the guest exclaimed. Suddenly, a hoof grabbed his tail but Mr. Fori immediately bucked him away. "I am not going to show my culo to the entire world, I am not a pervertito, what kind of show is this?!" he began to get extremely annoyed by the whole thing.

"Just please show us!" Time Turner demanded.

"No!"

"A quick peek!"

"No!"

"Now look here mister!" Turner well with anger. "It is quite easy for a stallion to come down here to the EBC and claim that they have three anuses so we here and the viewers deserve proof to your outrageous claim!"

"I've been on Italian radio!" Mr. Fori exclaimed. "Even Eros Ramazzotti knows I have three!"

"What?!" Turner could not believe it. "How?!"

"We go to the gym together." he clarified.

"And now for something new!" interrupted Pinkie Pie. "A stallion with three plot holes!"

At a television studio, Time Turner sat with another stallion across from. The brown stallion grabbed his note cards and began the interview. "Good evening, tonight, I'll be interviewing Mr. Tre Fori, who has...uh..." Turner suddenly realized what is happening. "Wait...I just did this didn't I?!"

"Uh...sì" agreed Mr. Fori

"Then why didn't you say anything?!" Turner exclaimed offended.

"It's your country, I just live in it!" the guest answered with offense.

"And now for something old!" interrupted Pinkie. "A stallion with-" the phone suddenly rings, Pinkie picked it up. "Hello, Pinkie Pie speaking?" she said as she listened to the caller. "Oh, really? Yes sir." she nodded and the hanged up the phone. "And now for something new!" resumed Pinkie. "A stallion with three snouts!"

"There's no such thing!" yelled Rainbow Dash off-screen.

"Oh, how about two snouts?" asked Pinkie.

At a random theater, a stallion blew his nose into a napkin in front of an audience, he then took the napkin and placed it in a lower part of his body and blew again. The audience gave an enormous applause.

Double Diamond galloped on to the stage. "Hey everyone, I hope you are all enjoying the show, anyways, I have with us today a most unique act, so let's welcome on to the DD stage, Lyra Heartstrings and her musical mice!" he introduced.

Lyra happily walked out with a long box. She placed the box on the table as the host stood next to her. "Thank you Mr. Diamond, thank you!" she thanked. "Now, inside this box is 23 mice that I have trained these last few years to squeak at a selected pitch." she explained as she picked up a few mice by their tails with her magic. "This is E# and the other is G and so on and so forth..." she lectured. "Now, these mice are arranged in such a way that when played in a certain order, they will squeak 'Wizards in Winter'." she announced. "So mares and gentlecolts, I give you on my mouse organ, 'Wizards in Winter'." a deranged smile formed on Lyra's face.

She suddenly produces two mallets and began to whack each mouse, each giving a painful squeak. She continued hitting the mice, gradually striking harder as blood began to spread everywhere. Lyra began to laugh maniacally as some blood sprayed on her face. "Someone stop her now!" yelled an audience member.

Lyra continued to laugh crazily as two guards grabbed her and dragged her off the stage. Blood and bits of mouse guts all over her face. "I'll be here 'til Thursday!" she screamed.

At an office in Ponyville, Dr. Stable was at his desk doing paper work. A knock was heard from the door. "Come on in, it opens!" he announced. Soon, a couple, Mr. & Mrs. Cake walked in and they quietly, yet nervously, sat down in front of Dr. Stable's desk.

"I heard you were a marriage councilor." began Mr. Cake.

"Ah, yes, of course I am." nodded Dr. Stable.

"Ah that's great." he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, so what are your names?" the councilor asked. He looked in awe at the wife's beauty, her blue coat, pink mane and wide child bearing hips made her alluring to him.

"My name is Carrot Cake." answered the husband who did not notice the councilor cast bedroom eyes at the mare.

"A your ravishing wife?" he asked. But he quickly got up. "No wait, it has something to do with the sky, so warm and bright, endless and free, deeply awe inspiring yet unpredictable-"

"It's Cup." pointed out Carrot.

"Cup Cake...what a beautiful name." he walked up to Cup Cake and happily nuzzled her, she did not mind at all, in fact, she encouraged it. "So what seems to be the problem with your marriage?"

"Well, I think it started about a year ago when our foals were born." began Carrot. "Now both of our foals are not Earth ponies like us, but I quickly chalked it up to a genetic anomaly. But then I began to notice my wife hanging around with strange stallions and our bed getting usually cold and dry, sometimes it feels like she is disgusted by me." he related, but was so focused on his story, that he failed to noticed that Dr. Stable and Cup were flirting with each other. "So last week, I decided to go to the fertility clinic to see if the foals were actually mine or not, and you know what they said?"

"What did they say?" asked Dr. Stable as he and Cup's faces inched closer together.

"That the foals are not mine and that I am completely sterile, and according to them, possibly my entire life." he explained. "So I think that's the reason why wife is possibly having an affair."

"So you think your wife is having an affair to spite your lack of ability to produce offspring?" Dr. Stable theorized as he and Cup nuzzled each other.

"That's what I think Cup is doing." agreed Carrot. "I was the one that inherited Sugarcube corner from my father, I was the one that invested a lot of money into the business, and I loved Cup the moment I met her at culinary school." as Carrot continued with his story, both Dr. Stable and Cup happily trotted together behind a privacy screen. "She actually stood up for me against those bullies and then we would make love like a bunch of horny hamsters."

"I will soon confirm that fact." the councilor chuckled as soft moans emanated from Cup. "I can also confirm that she smells like frosting."

"Yes, she smells like frosting and tastes like it too." Carrot mused, completely unaware of what was happening.

"She actually does." Dr. Stable said with surprise. He soon walked out from behind the screen and took of his white lab coat. "Here hold this." he said as he gave Carrot the coat. Carrot happily did as told as the councilor wiped his face clean. "And she flows like a stream too."

"Oh yes, Cup was a squirter all right." mused Carrot. "You won't believe how good she is in the sack too, I miss that about her." he continued.

"Anyways, Mr. Cake, mind if you wait outside for about oh, ten minutes?" Dr. Stable asked as he grabbed a box of condoms from his desk and walked over back behind the screen. "In fact, make it 30 minutes."

"Oh, okay, I don't mind, see you then." Carrot foolishly did as told and walked out. "See you in 30 minutes hun."

He was only met by a "Gluck Gluck" sound from his wife.

As Carrot Cake sat down at the waiting room, Neon Lights walked pass noticed him. "Now hold it there mister, are you sure you are doing the right thing by running away from your problems?"

"What do you mean?" the husband was confused.

"Are you going to let yourself become a cuckold beta male loser?" continued Neon. "Don't you want to be an alpha and show your wife who's the boss in this relationship?"

"Why...yes..." Carrot decided. "Yes, I want to show my wife who's boss!" he became determined.

"Then go in there, walk up to your wife, tell her how much of a worthless slut she is and that you had it up to here with her crap and then drag her home and fuck her real good!" Neon said.

"Yes, I will indeed do that!" exclaimed Carrot as an epiphany dawned on him. "I will go up to her, tell her to end with crap, and fuck her so good that she'll forever remember who REALLY is in charge here! No more of that old pushover Carrot, now it's assertive Carrot's turn!" he then proudly barged into the office. "CUP, COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!" he yelled once inside.

"Go...away...!" yelled Dr. Stable over Cup Cake's screams of pleasure between grunts from behind the screen.

"Oh, sorry." Carrot apologized and foolishly walked back out into the hallway.

An old documentary film began to play which began an image of Celestia and Luna walking together in the statue garden of the castle. "This rare film provides a unique glimpse into the relationship between Celestia and Luna, the Royal Sisters who rule Equestria together, the commentary is spoken by Discord himself." said the narrator.

The footage then cuts to Celestia playfully nudging Luna in the ribs. "Why, it's the wacky Princess Celestia, and joining her is her sister Princess Luna, I wonder what wacky situations these two will get in to during their summer garden party." narrated Discord.

Both Luna and Celestia walk over to a gardener who was watering the plants. Celestia immediately grabbed the hose and kicked the gardener to the ground. "Well, looks like the gardener has become victim to the sun princess' wacky antics again, how entertaining!"

Suddenly, Celestia took the hose and sprayed Luna with it, ruining her new dress. "And there she goes taking the mickey out of her sister Luna again." snorted Discord with laughter.

Celestia gave Luna the hose while she secretly used her magic to turn the water off. She then convinces her sister to spray her in return. Luna happily obliges, but water refused to come out. "Uh oh Luna, what happened to the water?"

The white princess then saw the blue princess look down the hose, on cue, Celestia used her magic to turn on the water again, and the hose sprayed water all over Luna's face. "And now Luna has been shot in the face, but by a hose and not a stallion this time around."

Celestia laughed, shook her rump at her sister to taunt her, before she sprinted away. Luna became extremely furious.

The film suddenly cut to a scene of Celestia painting a fence. "And now we have Celestia actually doing work for once, that face is not going to paint itself, even after all the staff got fired because they wanted 1% increase in their pay."

Luna walked in, in-line with the fence only to be 'accidentally' painted by her sister. Luna, extremely annoyed, grabbed the bucket of paint and dumped it over Celestia's head. She was swiftly tackled to the ground by her equally annoyed sister and they began brawling. Just as the two were about to punch each in the face at the same time, the scene freezes and becomes a photograph on a fireplace mantle.

The fireplace mantle belonged to the home of Hondo Flanks and Cookie Crumbles. Cookie happily dusted the mantle only to see a special visitor from out the window. She smiled and quickly walked over to her husband Hondo. "She's here hun, to see, at last." she announced.

"About damn time." said Hondo who refused to take his eyes away from the sports page of the newspaper.

Their guest walked through the door. "Aren't you glad to see me father?" said a sweet feminine voice. Cookie immediately grabbed the guest into a tight hug.

"Of course he's glad to see you Rarity dear." assured the mother to her daughter. 'He's just-"

"I think I can do the talking from now on hun!" interrupted Hondo as he looked at his daughter with disgust. "How's Appleloosa?"

"It's fine as usually father." answered Rarity with worry.

Cookie wanted to defuse the tension. "So Rarity darling, how's the gem mine, is it going well?" she asked her daughter.

"It's going great mother, we're using new diamond tipped carbide drills now to make gem extraction easier." explained the young mare with pride in her job.

"That sounds great Rarity." proudly stated the mother.

"Carbide drills?! What in the name of Tartarus is carbide?!" snarled the father.

"It's something they use in gem mining dad!" exclaimed Rarity.

"'It's something they use in gem mining dad'!" he mimicked. "You've been nothing but high class talk since you left Canterlot!" Hondo sneered with disgust for his daughter.

"Dad, not this again!"

"Go easy on him Rarity, he's filming new scenes tomorrow." explained Cookie to her daughter.

"Well, that's good." complimented Rarity.

"GOOD?!" that word drove the father over the edge. "What do you know about waking up at five in the morning to take a train to Las Pegasus, film new scenes at twelve and using all the stamina I have in order to perform as well as those young well hung bucks that nipping at my heels, doing STI screenings and re-shoots, and then dealing with a director who is clearly a closeted homosexual with a diaper fetish!" yelled the father. "You don't know what good is until you had a REAL working day!"

"Hun, please don't yell at our daughter!" pleaded the wife.

"But no, adult film and modeling just wasn't for you!" he angrily yelled. "You just had to run off to the Engineering college to study gem mining and get an engineering degree while at it!"

"Gem mining is actually a wonderful thing, if only you could see that!" Rarity said offended at hurt. "Look at you dad!"

"Rarity, please go easy on your father, you know how he gets after a few live performances." she warned her daughter.

"Well, Rares, go on, tell me what's wrong with me!" he quickly stood up and angrily looked at his daughter with contempt.

"I'll tell you what's wrong dad, your mind is full of movies and videos, you come here every evening smelling of marehood and bath salts!" yelled Rarity with dramatic flare.

"Rarity...don't..." her mother warned.

"And look at what you did to mom!" she continued her tirade. "She's worn out from meeting every adult film star, along with attending movie premier, adult conventions, adult award shows-"

"There's nothing wrong with adult award shows!" interrupted Hondo, who was extremely pissed off. "I have more awards that you have advanced engineering degrees!"

"HUN! STOP!" pleaded Cookie.

"Ahhh!" suddenly Hondo kneels over in pain.

"Dad, what's going on?!" asked Rarity with concern.

"It's blue balls Rarity, the scene he filmed this morning had to end due to equipment failure that occurred just before they were about to do the money shot." explained Rarity's mother.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" Rarity was stunned.

"I'll be alright after a quick rub and tug Cookie, just get her out of here!" yelled the father.

"Come on Rarity, it's best that you leave." said the mother as she escorted a dejected Rarity to the front door.

"After everything I have done for her..." he muttered.

"Someday you'll realize there's more to life than porn!" yelled Rarity from the front door. "There's dirt, smoke and good honest sweat involved!"

"GET THE BUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU MINER SLASH INDUSTRIAL ENGINEER!" yelled the father. The front door slammed shut. Suddenly, Hondo gets an inspiration. "Cookie dear, call that diaper loving director, tell him I have an idea for a new porn parody." he instructed.

"Yes hun." nodded the wife. "Hopefully it will represent the zeitgeist of our times."

"I hope so too..." he said ominously.

Downstairs, Sweetie Belle banged on their ceiling with a broom. "Can you quiet down up there, I can't practice my singing with you yelling up there!" she yelled with annoyance. She then turned her attention to you. "And now for something new, a stallion with three plot holes."

"THEY'VE DONE THAT!" yelled Cookie and Hondo from upstairs.

"Ugh!" she exclaimed with annoyance. "A stallion with twelve legs!"

"Uh, he kind of ran away." said Pinkie Pie off screen.

"For fuck's sake...ugh...a pony on a llama!"

Screw Loose happily sat on a llama on the steep hillside. The llama payed no attention to her and just continued on with its grazing. The mare on the llama just took in the beauty of her surroundings.

Friday Night Fight: A Question of Belief

Twilight Sparkle was at a television studio. "Good evening, and welcome to another edition of 'Friday Night Fight'. Tonight my guest include, former foal television star, born-again Celestian, and member of the 'Way of the Master' ministries, Mr. Kirk Cameron." a spotlight was shined to Twilight's left to reveal a middle aged stallion. "And to my right, he's an astrophysicist and former lead guitarist of 'Queen', please welcome Mr. Brian May." the guest to her right was revealed to be an older stallion with a long white curly mane.

"Pleasure to be here." smirked Kirk.

"Likewise." said Brian.

"Okay, so tonight, instead of endlessly discussing the exact nature of the alicorns, these two have decided to fight for it in an all-out sparing match. The status of Celestia being a god, or just a powerful pony will be put to the test, determined by most points, withdrawal or knock-out. Each round will be three minutes in length, rounds will be held until one is the first to reach 25 points by a two or more point margin, they withdraw or are knocked-out." explained Twilight the rules. "Anyways boys, let's get to this, Applejack will be the commentator and Rainbow Dash will be the color commentator, let's go."

The wall behind Twilight lifts up to reveal a large octagon ring. Both Brian and Kirk put on gloves and walk into the ring.

"Welcome to another edition of Friday Night Fight, Ah am yer commentator Applejack, joined by my good friend Rainbow Dash." began Applejack as the two stallion began to fight.

"Nice to be here AJ, now these two stallions are famous figures in each of their camps, we have Kirk who believes that Celestia is all-seeing, all-knowing and in fallible, and is the daughter of the legendary Fausticorn, the creator." explained Dash. "While Brian believe that Fausticorn does not exist and that Celestia is just an ordinary pony who happens to be powerful and almost immortal."

"Okay, halfway through the first round and Kirk managed to earn himself a few points with a punch to the ribs." said Applejack as she saw the action unfold before her. "Anyways, ah am being told that we're goin' to have to make way for a breakin' news report, but we'll reveal the winner later on in this chapter, see ya'll around."

A photo of a ticking stopwatch showed on the screen, followed by a caption that read "60 Minutes".

Soarin appeared in a darkened studio. "Tonight on '60 Minutes', I sit down with the stallion with three anuses for an exclusive interview."

"So, what was Eros Ramazzotti's reaction when he first saw your rump?" asked Soarin as he sat down in front of Mr. Fori.

"He screamed and yelled 'it looks like Swiss cheese down there!'." answered Mr. Fori.

"He really did say that?" Soarin was skeptical.

"Yes, but in Italiano obviously."

Spitfire then appeared in the darkened studio. "Also, Chinese scientists have announced the discovery of the first ever self flying sheep, we'll investigate the authenticity of this claim."

Then it cut to Harshwhinny. "A new fad is sweeping across Equestria, they are called 'leafies', ponies who like to dress up and act as trees, I'll be talking to one of the more famous practitioners tonight, all this and the senile old ramblings of Granny Smith, tonight on '60 Minutes'." she announced.

After the introduction, Harshwhinny stood in front of a giant magazine page that showed a picture of ponies dressed in tree costumes. "It is a new underground phenomenon that is growing in strength and number, ponies who like to dress up and act as trees, they call themselves 'leafies' and they seem enjoy this lifestyle, tonight, I will sit down with known 'leafer' Fluttershy at her Ponyville cottage in order to shed some light into this social movement." the mare announced.

It soon cut to Harshwhinny in front of Fluttershy at the yellow mare's cottage. "So tell me about 'leafies' and why did you get involved?"

"Well..." she nervously began. "We're just ponies who like to get together and be trees, because we feel like we have a special kinship with them." she explained. "We dress up as trees, act like we're trees, help out the environment, we do community outreach as well."

"How many 'leafies' are there?" Harshwhinny asked.

"Our last meeting brought in 25 ponies from all over Equestria, and when we first started it was just three." the mare explained. "We've been getting more ponies each month."

Immediately intrigued, I accompanied Fluttershy to one of their meetings in the far fields in the outskirts of Ponyville, about 20 showed up, most of them dressed in either store bought or hoof made tree costumes.

Harshwhinny stood back and observed Fluttershy greeting all of the ponies. Everyone appeared happy and friendly with each other.

One particular aspect of 'leafies' is their tendency to stand still like trees every hour on the hour and repeatedly chant...

"Photosynthesis! Photosynthesis! Photosynthesis!" the entire group chanted with hooves in the air. "Turn our carbon dioxide and water into sugar and oxygen!" they continued. "Keep the Calvin Cycle turning! Photosynthesis!"

Harshwhinny looked on skeptically.

Once it got dark, Fluttershy invited everyone to a private party at her cottage, unfortunately, our cameras were not allowed inside and for good reason.

"How often is sex involved in this?" the reported asked Fluttershy bluntly.

"It is involved, but we're more focused on having fun than having sex, we just want to socialize and feel free, so sex is not a requirement at all, it is up to those involved." Fluttershy clarified.

Clips of the group and Fluttershy bowling were played as the ponies attempted to play while remaining as stiff as possible like trees. "The foals love us, we sometimes visit the pouliatric ward here at Ponyville medical center." the pegasus narrated.

"Some ponies are concerned that you're using this movement to lure in foals to molested them." explained the professional reporter.

"What?!" exclaimed Fluttershy with offense. "Just because we have an usually high affection for foals doesn't make us foal molesters, and I can assure you that none of us, especially me, are using this as a cover to get close to them!" she bluntly denied.

The segment cuts off abruptly by the ticking stopwatch transition with Soarin. "And now, a random rambling by Granny Smith."

It cuts to Granny Smith behind her desk in her office. "Ya know what ah find annoyin' to open..." she brought out a cereal box. "Cereal boxes, my goodness they are hard to open, the ponies over at Fort Knox should look into using cereal box technology to protect the Equestrian gold reserves, because they are a pain in the butt to open an-" she was immediately interrupted by the sounds of sheep running into the studio. "Darn it, not again!" she grabbed a pistol and aimed it at the flock that ran towards her. "Ah'll be right back!" she fired her weapon and the screen cut to black.

Sex And Violence stars...
in order of appearance...
Big McIntosh
Filthy Rich
Granny Smith
Bon Bon
Pinkie Pie
Time Turner
Rainbow Dash
Double Diamond
Lyra Heartstrings
Dr. Stable
Carrot Cake
Cup Cake
Neon Lights
HRH Princess Celestia
HRH Princess Luna
Discord
Hondo Flanks
Cookie Crumble
Rarity
Sweetie Belle
Screw Loose
HRH Princess Twilight Sparkle
Applejack
Soarin
Spitfire
Harshwhinny
Fluttershy

Applejack suddenly appeared on the screen. "And the results of the fight are in!" she announced. "Fausticorn exists after two rounds followed by a knock-out on the third round!"

How to Recognize Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away

An old stallion with a smoke pipe cutie mark sprinted across Everfree forest, he quickly notices the camera and runs up to it. Once he arrived at the camera, he gave a deep breath and said; "It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

Episode 3
How to Recognize Different Trees From Quite A Long Way Away
#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

At a courtroom, Mayor Mare presided over a criminal case. She turned her attention to the accused. "Okay Mr. Thunderlane, the prosecution just rested, do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?" she asked.

"Well...I'd like to say that I am sorry for bringing shame to both my parents and my little brother Rumble, and that I believe freedom every pony should never take for granted...and..." suddenly Thunderlane flew up on the table. "It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlecolts may cry, peace, peace—but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlecolt wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?" he yelled passionately. "Forbid it, Almighty Celestia! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"

The Mayor looked on bemused. "First of all, it's ma'am...and second of all..." she took a deep breath. "IT'S JUST A FUCKING LITTERING CITATION!" she yelled with annoyance.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie burst into the courtroom. "I'm sorry I'm late my right honorable, I had trouble finding a place to park my party cannon." she apologized. "Anyways, I'll take it over from here, I call in Granny Pie!"

Granny Pie walked in and took her place on the stand. The bailiff Bulk Biceps swore her in. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Celestia!" recited Granny Pie.

"Now tell us your side of the story Mrs. Pie." instructed Mayor Mare.

"Well..." Granny Pie began to go on a long winded and random story about her entire life, but constantly going on a long-winded tangents. Everyone except Pinkie grew board almost immediately. Time felt like it passed at a gradually slower pace, after about 30 minutes, all the jury members were either annoyed or fully asleep, Granny Pie showed no signs of stopping her story any time soon.

"I said, don't you talk to me about incontinence, I said..." she was suddenly grabbed into a sleeper hold by bailiff Biceps and soon nodded off to sleep. Putting everyone out of their misery. The jury breathed a sign of relief.

"Miss Pie, I failed to see the relevance of your last witness." Mayor Mare told Pinkie with contempt.

"Don't worry, my next witness should explain everything...I call in the late Feldspar Granite Pie!" Pinkie announced.

"The late?!" Before Pinkie could answer, several ponies haul in an old coffin and placed it on the witness stand. "Uh, Pinkie, is there any relevance in questioning a corpse?" the Mayor asked.

"Come again?"

"Your witness is dead, stiff, worm food, dog meet, dust, reliquiae."

"I know that, but don't worry, it'll be worth it, you'll see." grinned Pinkie who tried to reassured the judge. She then walked up to the coffin. "Okay, Mr. Granite Pie, are you a lifelong rock farmer?" she asked the coffin.

A loud 'bang' emanated from the coffin. "What was that?!" asked a stunned Mayor Mare.

"Oh, he said 'yes' my right honorable, one knock means 'yes', and two means 'no', can I continue please?" Pinkie explained. She was given a reluctant nod of approval and Pinkie resumed her questioning. "Just to clarify Mr. Granite Pie, is it true that you are indeed dead?" she asked, but there was silence. "Mr. Granite Pie?" she asked again, only to be met by more silence.

"Where are you going with this Miss Pie?"

"Uh, let me privately talk to my witness first." she said as she ran up to the coffin and opened it slightly to look inside. What she saw made her face turn green with illness. "Uh, the witness is currently uh...mortuus in adventu." Pinkie nervously announced with embarrassment. "No more questions."

"No more questions?!" exclaimed Mayor Mare at the end of her rope. "There's a dead body in my courtroom because of your antics, I want to know what's going on!"

"There's no easy way to describe this...you see-"

"You have no idea what this case is about do you?" she asked bluntly.

"Well, I do know that it is a thick web of lies perpetrated by a conspiracy between the Equestrian government and the Illuminati, who are plotting to build one world government and-"

"Your client already pleaded guilty to the littering citation." the judge interrupted Pinkie.

"Who cares about some dinky little littering citation, I am here to leave no stone un-turned, so I bring in George Abbot, the former first lord of the treasury to the stand!"

"What?!" exclaimed the Mayor. "This is madness!"

"Character witness my right honorable." stated Pinkie.

Soon, a pony in clerical robes walked in. He sat down at the witness stand with humility. "Lovely being here in Equestria, the weather here is great." commented George.

"So, are you George Abbott, divine and former Archbishop of Canterbury?" asked Pinkie.

"Yes."

"Would it be fair for me to say that not only were you also the Chancellor of Trinity college but the translator of the King James Bible?" asked Pinkie with a smirk.

"That's what the historical books say of me." he said with modesty.

"Did you once accidentally killed another pony?"

"Not my best moment, but yes."

"Would you describe your views on separatists and Catholics as harsh?" continued Pinkie.

"Of course I did."

"Good, now tell me Mr. Abbott, are you familiar with the defendant Thunderlane?" she pointed at the black stallion with blue mohawk.

"Why, since I was a little foal." George mused.

"Now speaking as the Archbishop of Canterbury, Chancellor of Trinity College and translator of the King James Bible, would you say that Thunderlane is a stallion of good character?"

"Of course he is." he said with honesty.

"Your right honorable!" began the pink lawyer. "I move that I may plead for clemency in this case!" she announced.

"...it's only ฿1 Pinkie." said the judge, annoyed.

"NOT SO FAST!" exclaimed a new voice. Everyone turned to see Trixie barge into the court room.

"Uh...what's going on?" nervously wondered Thunderlane.

"Trixie will not have any of your smart alleck answers criminal scum!" snarled the blue unicorn. "You are speaking to the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE! CID DETECTIVE!" she then walked up to George Abbot.

"Oh sweet Celestia kill me now!" moaned judge Mare with despair.

"Hello Miss Trixie." greeted George.

"So George," Trixie began. "Is it true that you died in 633 at the age of 70?"

"That is true." answered George matter-of-factly.

"AH-HA!" yelled the blue unicorn. "You fell for my trap!"

George just gave an angry look at Trixie. "Curses, you are way to clever for us bad ponies Trixie, too good!"

"Yes, Trixie deduces that George Abbot is actually, Cheese Sandwich, professional impersonator of historical figures!" she pointed out.

"Damn, she's right!" announced the stallion who removed his costume and make-up to reveal that it is indeed Cheese Sandwich himself.

"Oh my gosh Trixie, you are clever, that stallion has been using me as a fool the entire time!" exclaimed a relieved Pinkie.

"Thank you, sniffing out impostors is my duty as a member of the CID." the unicorn boasted.

"With a brilliant mind like yours Trixie, you could be something other than detective." Mayor Mare explained.

"Really?!" the unicorn's eyes went wide with awe. Suddenly, piano music began to play and a gospel choir walked into the courtroom. Trixie began to dance along to the music.

If I were not in the CID
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not in the CID
A window cleaner, me!
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
And a rub-a-dub all day long
With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub
I'd sing this merry song!

She mimicked the movements of a window cleaner and everyone in the courtroom, including Pinkie, Mayor Mare, Thunderlane, Bailiff Biceps and Cheese danced along. Suddenly, Pinkie jumped up on the table and began to sing.

If I were not before the bar
Something else I'd like to be
If I were not a barr-is-ter
An engine driver me!
With a chuffchuffchuff etc.

Everyone just looked at her strangely, the music wound down and Pinkie suddenly became the only pony dancing and singing. Maud Pie soon walked in and saw her sister being the only dancing. She gave a sigh and walked up to her, she proceeded to slap her sister in the face.

#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

In the middle of Ponyville, a stallion with a nice suit and combed hair determinedly marched to his destination, his sofa and quill pen store. "This is Davenport, he looks like any ordinary pony in town." said the narrator.

Davenport walked into the store and flipped the 'close' sign to 'open'. "But Davenport has a secret identity, because when shopping trouble strikes, he is ready to become...SALESPONY!"

The stallion immediately ran to a couple who were looking at the various sofas he had in stock. "Should we buy this reclining sofa, or the Jordan Chaise?" asked the wife to her husband.

Davenport suddenly walked up to them. "How about I throw in no minimum purchase and no interest for FOUR YEARS!" he pitched to the couple. "I'll even throw in an extra 20% off if you buy a quill pen set!"

The couple were impressed and they took the deal.

"This stallion earns 90% commission."

"I came into his store expecting to buy a single love seat, but I instead came out with an entirely new Idol Collection living room set 50% off with no payments until 1016." said Lily Valley about the salespony Davenport.

"I scored big with a Darcy sofa, normally it costs ฿400, but I managed to haggle the price down to ฿100." said Noteworthy who lounged on his newest sofa.

Davenport then came up to another customer, two customers actually, twins, and extra attractive ones as well. "I see you are interested in this sectional." he said.

"Oh yes, the old one is worn out, so I really need a new one for the spa." explained Aloe.

"Normally, this sectional would cost you ฿660, but if you meet me in my office, you can slash that by as much as 90%, with a possibility of no interest for let's say...six years." he proposed with a smirk.

"Just like last time Mr. Davenport?" smirked Lotus back.

"Of course." he nodded.

They happily followed Davenport into his office.

This stallion is ready to smash Communism with his amazing salesmanship, wipe them out, smash those dirty red scum teeth, kill, kill, kill those dirty commie bastards, FUCK THEM! FUCK THEM UNTIL THEY DIE!

"BIG MAC!" yelled Applejack as she barged into her brother's room to see him on a typewriter. "Granny says to cut it with your fanfics and come down for dinner!" she yelled with annoyance.

Big Mac immediately stopped what he was doing, completely embarrassed. "Uh...Eeyup." he got up and followed her sister to the dinning room.

Little did the stallion knew, but Maude was close behind him.

Nurse Redheart walked into the pouliatrics ward of the Ponyville Medical Center, it was story time and all the foals waited patiently for her to arrive. Redheart walked to the group of sick foals and sat down with a book. "Are you foals ready to hear a story?"

"YAY!" they cheered.

The nurse smiled. "Great, now let's begin." she opened the book and flipped over to a random page. "Today's story, Ricky the Pixie." she began. "One day Ricky the Pixie went to visit his good friend Daniel in his tumbledown cottage. He found him in the bedroom in nothing but a jockstrap. Roughly he gabbed his heavy shoulders pulling him down on to the bed and ripping off his jock..." Redheart immediately stopped reading once she realized where the story was going, she blushed beet red. "Uh...how about another story instead?"

"YAY!" the foals nodded with agreement.

She turned to a random story. "Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the stallions dressed as ladies called traps hanged around and..." she silently read ahead but quickly found that the story was no better than the last one. "Okay, how about another story instead?"

The foals looked on with confusion.

Redheart flipped over to another random story. "Rumpelstiltskin ran the Dinky Tinky Toy shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and ... sex toys?... naked? ..." the nurse quickly read ahead once again and found it...kinky. "HE SHOVED A BOWLING PIN WHERE?!" she yelled with shock.

Twilight Sparkle walked on to the stage. "The following sketch was written and performed by Lyra Heartstrings, BonBon, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Derpy Hooves and Time Turner, it's called 'the restaurant sketch', so enjoy the performance and we hope you like it." she proudly announced as the curtains rose to reveal a restaurant set.

Octavia and Vinyl Scratch sat across from each other at a table. They were on a date together. "Isn't this nice?" commented Octavia.

"It's really good, three Michelin stars you know?" she smirked. She took off her sunglasses to be more formal for their date, revealing her violet eyes.

"Really?" smiled the gray mare. "Thank you so much for making our date special."

Lyra, the waiter, walked up to the table. "Good evening madam and...madam...welcome to our establishment, and welcome back Miss Scratch, where's that other mare you took here last-" Lyra was suddenly jabbed in the side by Vinyl. "Oof!"

"Hey Octy, look through the menu and tell me what you like, the Oeufs en meurette is most delicious." commented Vinyl.

"But I do suggest the Gratin dauphinois, the chef makes the best crème fraîche in all of Equestria, I can assured you." Lyra suggested as pointed at it on the menu.

"That sounds delicious, we'll keep looking." nodded the white unicorn. "But before you go miss, my fork is a bit dirty, mind getting me a new one?" she asked as she showed her the slightly dirty fork.

"Excuse me?" asked a stunned Lyra.

"Just that my fork is a little dirty and that I want another one." stated the white unicorn with slight concern.

"Oh, I do apologize..."

"No need to apologize."

"No, I really do apologize, I'll grab the head waiter." Lyra quickly ran away with shame.

"Wait, there's no need to..." Vinyl saw that she was gone.

"That's...oddly polite..." stated Octavia who had no idea what to make of the situation.

Soon, Lyra came back with BonBon. The peach coated mare took the fork and immediately examined it closely. "Why, this is filthy Lyra, find out who washed this fork and fire them immediately!" she ordered Lyra.

"Wait, no, there's no-" pleaded Vinyl

"Better yet, fire the entire dish washing crew, to set an example." interrupted BonBon.

"Fired?! No, that's not what I-"

"Thank you for pointing this out to us madam, we appreciate it." thanked BonBon before turning to Lyra. "Tell the manager immediately." Lyra saluted and galloped off.

"But I don't mean to cause trouble." said Vinyl.

"I just want to apologize about being given a dirty, smelly, filthy fork, please forgive us." she bowed her head in shame.

"Smelly?!"

"Smelly and disgusting, this whole thing drives me mad with shame, oh, I wish I could just commit senpuku right here and now to show you how ashamed I am, ugh!" BonBon then ran off angrily just as the manager walked in.

"Good evening madam and madam, I heard what happened, mind if I sit down?" asked Time Turner, the manager.

"Yes of course." Vinyl levitated him a seat and Turner quickly sat down.

"First of all, I just want to apologize for the dirty fork." began Turner.

"It was only a tiny speck of dirt." clarified Vinyl was got annoyed by the amount of hoopla this whole thing was receiving.

"To you it may be tiny, but to me, it is a tall mountain in a puss filled wound!" he dramatically exclaimed.

"But I don't see it-"

"You know how much me and the staff have been suffering since we opened this place?" began Turner who looked like he was about to cry. "We are so close to paying off our debt, so damn close, and now this whole thing happens?! Damn it!" he pounded on the table with frustration. "Now I have to fire my dish washing brigade, and they're good ponies, granted half of them are either ex-convicts, sex offenders or both, but they're still good ponies!" he began to bawl his eyes out. "WHY?!" he screamed into the ceiling.

"Uh...you okay dude?" asked a concerned and uncomfortable Vinyl to the stallion that was crying.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Derpy came flying in with a chef's hat and cleaver. "YOU DAMN DIRTY BASTARDS! You made my boss cry!" she scolded with anger. "He worked hard to get this place up and running and now you ruin it with your stupid retarded critique?!" she yelled as she suddenly slammed her cleaver on the table.

"Derpy! Stop, before you hurt someone!" BonBon ran in to restrain Derpy, but she suddenly fell to the ground in pain. "AHHHH My encephalitis is acting up again! It hurts!" she screamed.

"It's the end!" screamed Turner who grabbed a katana and stabbed and disemboweled himself.

"TURNER! NO!" yelled Derpy. "YOU KILLED HIM!!!"

"Derpy...no..." weakly pleaded BonBon who was on the ground in pain. "We don't...kill...customers..."

Vinyl just uncomfortably looked around. "Well...I wonder how they would react if I said the knife is dirty as well?"

Boos echoed across the audience as they threw rotten tomatoes at the scene. The curtains quickly closed and Twilight ran back out to diffuse the situation. "Uh...that was the sketch, hopped you liked it..." she nervously smiled. Suddenly, Maud came up to the stage and walked up to Twilight. "Can I help you?" she asked Maud.

Maud said nothing and slapped Twilight hard in the face.

At a remote cottage, a mailpony flew in and knocked on the door. "Come on in, it's unlocked." giggled a female voice. The mailpony walked inside only to be met by the sight of a mare lounging on a couch, her back to the stallion. She turned her head over. "I was wondering if you could do me a favor and drop a 'package' off for me?" she asked in a flirty tone.

The mailpony stallion was in awe. Her blue mane, her cute freckles, her amazing golden coat. It was his lucky day. "Where do you want me to drop it." he dropped his mailbag and took his hat off.

The mare flipped herself over and spread open her hind legs, "In my mail slot, I hope it fits." she giggled.

But what the mailpony saw next completely shocked him. "Are those you're...you're...you're..." he quickly fainted from the shock.

"Ugh...I hate having these ridiculously large boobs." said Milky Way with annoyance.

October 19, 1010. Live from EBC news studios in Manehatten, it's the Equestrian Evening News at Six with Rarity.

Rarity sat behind the news desk and faced the camera. "Good evening, I'm Rarity, and here's today's top stories." she got herself mentally prepared and began to read the news. "Jia Qinglin, chairman of the National Committee of the Chinese Pony's Political Consultative Conference, announces the opening of the 7th China-ASEAN Expo (CAEXPO) in Nanning, capital of southwest China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region, today." as she read the news, several ponies storm the studio with guns and shoot everyone in sight. Rarity continued to read the news as if nothing was happening. "The death toll from Typhoon Megi in the Philippines rises to three as heavy rain falls on the island of Luzon for a second consecutive day." continued Rarity.

The armed ponies grab Rarity and drag her outside. "How much will she nab us in ransom money?" asked one armed pony to the other.

"Who cares, we'll just use her as a cum dumpster if she doesn't net us any money." responded the other as they threw Rarity into the back of a carriage. She still continued on with the news.

"An appeals panel at the court in The Hague rejected an appeal from his lawyers to dismiss the case. Mr Bemba is accused of leading militias in neighboring Central African Republic (CAR) in 1002 and 1003. The troops, which intervened in a power struggle in CAR, are accused of murdering and raping civilians. But Mr Bemba, 47, has argued that he was not in command of the militia after it crossed the border. Mr Bemba was arrested in Belgium in 1008 and extradited to The Hague. He is the most high profile suspect so far to be brought before the ICC. Tuesday's ICC ruling removes the final hurdle to the start of the trial, which has been postponed twice. The ICC says he will face two counts of crimes against humanity and three counts of war crimes." read Rarity, as the carriage she was in drove away through dense Manehatten streets.

"Ugh, she's becoming too annoying!" complained one of the ponies. "She's too much of a liability, let's get rid of her!"

"You're right." agreed the other.

"Mr Bemba led a militia known as the Movement for the Liberation of Congo during DR Congo's brutal civil war. After a peace deal ended the war in 1003, he laid down his arms and joined an interim government as vice-president. Mr Bemba lost a run-off election against Democratic Republic of Congo President Joseph Kabila in 1006. One of his defense lawyers has suggested that the charges against him may be politically motivated to remove Mr Bemba from future elections. ICC judges had been waiting for Tuesday's ruling before setting a trial date." she continued as she was dragged from the carriage and placed into a straight jacket weighed down with metal chains. They carried her over to a boat dock.

"In sports news, The National Hoofball League announces that it will suspend players for dangerous hits, especially those involving helmets-" she was thrown off the dock and plunged into the water below. Silencing her forever.

"Thank goodness that's over!" they breathed and sigh of relief and happily ran off back to their base.

And Now,
#1
The Larch

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

"Castanea" said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Castanea."

"So Rumble," asked Cheerilee. "Do you think you will be able to recognize a larch tree?"

Rumble just stared at her teacher blankly. "...I don't know..." was all he said.

Cheerilee then went over to another colt. "Okay, what's your name little?" she asked.

"Tender Taps." he answered.

"Taps, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?" she asked.

The colt gave the exact same reaction before. "...the fuck?!"

"Ooh Miss Cheerilee!" yelled Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo in unison. "We want to-"

"Do the three of you know of any trees you can recognize from quite a long way away?" interrupted their teacher.

"Uh...actually..." began Apple Bloom a bit weird-ed out from such a random question. "We were wondering if we can see a sketch written by my big brother Mac!" the filly asked.

"A sketch?" she wondered. "What is it called?"

At a local bar in Ponyville, both Big Mac and Braeburn sat together at a booth. "Is your marefriend Cheerilee a...doer? Know what ah mean? Wink wink, know what I mean?" Braeburn slyly asked his big red cousin.

"Whut?" asked Big Mac with confusion.

"Is your marefriend...does she...well, go around town, know what I mean? Wink wink?" he winked.

"Ah sometimes think she does." he answered.

"Oh ah bet she REALLY goes around town, wink wink." he snickered.

"What are ya talkin' about cuz?" Mac asked, still confused.

"What does SHE talk about, ah bet she winks a lot." he giggled.

"Cuz, are ya tryin' to flirt with me?" he asked his cousin with concern.

"Flirting, flirting? Fantastic, fantastic, she must really get around wink wink." he giggled like a filly.

"Uh..."

"Does Cheerilee like gymnastics? Is she very...flexible?" Braeburn asked.

"Uh...maybe?"

"Oh, ah knew she must be freaky good." his smile grew bigger.

"She likes hoofball." Big Mac answered sincerely.

"Yee haw! Ah bet she does!" exclaimed Braeburn. "Does she play for the OTHER team? Wink wink."

"Sometimes she plays for the away team..."

"The AWAY team you say? hehe wink wink, ah know what that means." he had trouble controlling his laughter, his dirty mind could not get enough.

"..." Big Mac looks at his cousin strangely.

"Is there any...interesting....photographs of her?" he asked.

"Photographs?"

"Yeah, ya know, photographs of her...on the job."

"Uh...we don't own cameras." answered Mac with concern.

"Oh well, at least you have your memories." he snickered.

"Brae, are ya implyin' somethin' ah don't know!" he exclaimed.

"Uh...what...do ya mean?" Braeburn's attitude changed from giddy to intimidated.

"Well?" he placed his face up against his cousin. He gave his cousin an angry look.

"Uh...just wanted to know...if ya...ya...and she...uh..."

"OUT WITH IT!" he yelled with annoyance.

"HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX WITH HER!" he yelled with desperation.

Big Mac calmly sat back down and took a drink of his cider. "Eeyup." he answered with a smile.

"How was it like?" asked Braeburn.

How to Recognize Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away stars...
in order of appearance...
Tree Hugger
Mayor Mare
Thunderlane
Pinkie Pie
Bulk Biceps
Granny Pie
Feldspar Granite Pie†
George Abbot (portrayed by Cheese Sandwich)
Trixie Lulamoon
Maude Pie
Davenport
Lily Valley
Noteworthy
Aloe
Lotus
Big McIntosh
Applejack
Redheart MD
Twilight Sparkle
Octavia Melody
Vinyl Scratch
Lyra Heartstrings
Sweetie "BonBon" Drops
Time Turner
Derpy Hooves
Milky Way
Rarity
Cheerilee
Rumble
Tender Taps
Apple Bloom
Scootaloo
Sweetie Belle
Braeburn

"Lanix," said Tree Hugger who narrated. "Lanix."

Owl-Stretching Time

An old stallion was pushed off a cliff and landed hard on the beach below. He slowly got up and regained his bearings. With a pained gasp of air, he said with a quiet voice: "It's..."

Hoity Toity's Floating Bazaar

At a coffee lounge in Vanhoover, Coloratura sat on in front of her piano and sang the audience a simple acoustic song. "Dances, romances, things of the night. Sunshine and holidays, postcards to write. Budding trees, autumn leaves, a snowflake or two. All kinds of everything remind me of you. All kinds of everything remind me of you." she sang, finishing the song.

The entire audience clapped and cheered.

"Thank you, thank you, you are a wonderful crowd." she humbly thanked. "Now, for my next song, I would like to dedicate it to all those modern art enthusiast out there who are wasting thousands of bits on a blank canvas because it is an excellent example of 'minimalism'." she announced. "This song is called 'Art Gallery', hope you all will enjoy it." she smiled before she began to play the song.

At an art gallery in Canterlot, Fleur dis Le and Fancy Pants walked in to visit the latest art exhibition by a new artist. They were quickly greeted by a stallion with a short white mane and dark sunglasses. "Oh Mr. Pants, so great to see you here in my art gallery." he said in a dramatic and flamboyant tone. "I have discovered a new artist that you should just see."

"That's what you said the last time Mr. Haul, and it was just a filthy bum conning you into giving him an art commission to buy drugs." Fancy Pants pointed out. "I hope it's true this time."

"Don't worry Mr. Pants, this one is genuine." he said bemused. "I made sure of it."

"And the one before that was actually a RADFEM who stabbed you with a broken off paint brush."

"Yes I get it, I have trust issues with strangers! Can we please now see the artist!" he snapped with annoyance. Both Fancy Pants and Fleur just looked on in stunned silence. They could only nod.

They followed Mr. Haul to the main gallery, to see a mare set everything up. She had a short neon purple mane with tangerine fur with a cutie mark of a red neon tube shaped to spell out "Ne". She set up several cans of paint along with a stereo.

"Her name is Ultra Violet, she specializes in neon and light art." explained Haul.

"Good evening ladies and gentlecolts, tonight I will be performing my newest piece of performance art that I like to title 'Hotline Bling'." announced the neon colored mare. "So may we please turn off the lights." The lights in the room all turn off as told. "Good, now let's begin." she pressed the play button on the stereo and instrumental music began to play.

Everyone watched as the mare began to dance in a sultry manner while a black light spotlight shined down on her. She grabbed a can of neon paint and poured it all over herself. It only got stranger from there.

Everyone looked on as things began to take a turn for the...odd. "What is she doing with those glow sticks? I don't know what she has-oh wait now I can see what they're for." mumbled Fancy Pants, his eyes wide with shock.

"Freud would have a field day with that." mumbled Fleur.

Fancy Pants suddenly felt somepony touch him between his hind legs. "Fleur, I know this is making you frisky and all, but save the groping for tonight." he warned. He turned around to see that it was not Fleur that was groping him, but Mr. Haul himself. "What the?!" he bucked the stallion off of him. "What was that for?!"

Haul just blushed. "Sorry Mr. Pants, I know that was uncalled for, it's just that art exhibitions are the only thing that turn me on." he apologized.

"I hate dealing with artsy folks." he whispered to Fleur with annoyance.

Among the audience, sat Trenderhoof who was writing a review of the performance in front of him. "According to Miss Ultra Violet," he wrote down in shorthand. "her performance is supposed to serve as her critique of the rise of the growing Alt-right movement in Equestria, although from the looks of it, it seems that this is all just an excuse to masturbate with a glow stick in front of rich ponies." he was dissatisfied with the performance.

A staff member walked up to him. "Excuse me Mr. Trenderhoof, but you have-"

"Don't interrupt me while I am writing!" he snapped.

"I'm sorry sir, but I'm using my only line in this entire sketch to tell you that you have a telegram from your boss!" he explained to the journalist with offense.

Mr. Haul suddenly popped up between them. "Shush you two, she can't concentrate when you speak above a whisper!" he sternly warned them in a whisper.

At the lounge, Coloratura continued to sing. "Through the years as the fire starts to mellow, Burning lines in the book of our lives. Though the binding cracks, And the pages start to yellow. I'll be in love with you" she sang. As she continued, a fan silently walked up to the stage, tape covering his mouth, waving a cardboard sign that read 'Take in the refugees!'. Coloratura did not seem to mind since the stage invader was silent.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN THE EQUESTRIAN BASE IN SADDLE ARABIA

At a recruitment desk, Shining Armor sat patiently. He quietly asked a crew member. "Did you cut to me yet?" he asked with confusion. The receives a signal in the affirmative and looks at the camera. "Okay, good." he straightens himself out before he spoke. "Good evening Royal Guards of Equestrian, as your captain, it has come to my attention that a local gay nightclub in Vanhoover is infringing on Royal Guard copyright by using our slogan 'It's a stallion's life in the Guards., now I will have you know, that this nightclub will be dealt with by our literal army of lawyers and that any guard caught going to this club will be court marital-ed to the fullest extent." Once he finished the report he turned to the crew. "Okay, now turn off the camera."

The scene cuts to Caramel who was escorted into the fitting room of the Carousel Boutique by Rarity. "Now, there's a selection of nice suits at the end of the room, just go and browse around the selection, I'll be back in a bit to fit your selection, until then, I have a customer to deal with, if you have any questions just give a holler." Rarity instructed as she showed the stallion the room. "Be right back." she announced in a sing-song tone and a wink. She closed the door behind her, leaving the stallion alone.

Caramel looked around the room and went over to the back half to see a large selection of suits and tuxedos. "That's it?!" he was unimpressed. "It's just the same old dinky variation of the exact same thing, why do we stallions get stuck with these boring and uninspired pieces of formal wear, why can't we have fancy, beautiful and elegant suits like those dresses that mares-" he suddenly got an epiphany and turned around to the other side of the room that held an absurdly large selection of formal dresses. "-ware." he looked at the selection in awe.

About fifteen minutes later, Rarity finally finished with her customer and made her way to the fitting room to check on Caramel. "Oh dear, I hope he's not cross for making him wait by himself." she muttered nervously, afraid that she unintentionally upset a customer. Her ears perked up when she heard music faintly coming from the room. "Music?" Rarity said confused. "How did he access the stereo?" she could hear the music more clearly once she was at the door. "And yuck, my dad must have left his cassette in it as well." she opened the door, but in hindsight, wished she did not.

Inside, Caramel, who wore a fancy gala dress and full makeup, danced around to the song in a sexual manner, clearly turned out by his own display. "Would you fuck me?" he asked to his reflection. "I'd fuck me...hard." he said teasingly to himself.

Without a word, Rarity just slowly and methodically closed the door. There was not enough alcohol in the world to erase that memory.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN CROSS-DRESSING

"For goodness sake!" interrupted Shining who was pissed off to say the least. "What did I say earlier about infringing our trademark?!" he yelled in anger. "I swear, if this happens once more, I'll come down to the writers house and beat the shit out of him for trademark infringement!" he yelled. "Now carry on." he said calmly.

At a Dojo, four stallions stood at attention as their master walked in. "さぁ、始めよう!" he announced as he bowed to his students, the four students bowed in return. The master examined the class. "Uh, where is everyone else?" he asked his students with concern.

"They're not here sensei." said Noteworthy.

"We think it's because they're sick with the flu." added Comet Tail.

"Flu?!" the master said with shock. "I keep telling them to eat more fresh fruit, but they never listen!" he said with annoyance. He then quickly got to business. "Okay, today we'll continue on where we last left off last time when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with fresh fruit." he announced. The entire class groaned with annoyance.

"You said you would not do fruit this week!" exclaimed Bulk with annoyance.

"What do you mean?!" asked a stunned master.

"We've done fruit for the last nine weeks sensei!" stated Noteworthy.

"So?" said the master incredulously, "You think you are all know it all's huh?!"

"We just want to do something different for once!" clarified Toe Tapper.

"Like, how to defend yourself against a bo staff." said Bulk.

"A bo staff?!" said the master with scorn. "So you all think you are so high and mighty? You all think you can go against a bo staff? Well, don't come crying to me when a crazy pony comes at you, throwing loganberries at you and you have no idea how to defend yourselves!" he snarled with contempt before resuming his lecture. "Now, when it comes to the passion fruit-"

All four stallions groaned. "We've done passion fruit!" yelled Noteworthy with annoyance.

"We have also done mikans, ringos, grapefruits-" began Comet Tail

"Both whole and segments." remarked Toe Tapper.

"-zakuros, seiyosumomos-" continued the yellow unicorn.

"-budous, passion fruits-" continued Noteworthy.

"-lemons, plums and mangoes." finished Bulk.

"How about sakuranbos?" asked the master.

"We've done that!" the students said in unison.

"Aka AND kuro?!"

"YES!" said the students.

"Uh..." the master thought hard before he came up with a new type of fruit. "How about...bananas?"

The students looked at each other. "We haven't done that before." admitted Comet Tail.

"Great!" he said with excitement. "So, how to defend yourselves against a crazy pony with a banana." he throws Noteworthy a single banana. "Now to defend yourself against a banana, you just have to pin down the pony, grab the banana, and eat it, rendering them completely helpless." he explained.

"What if he has a bunch?" asked Comet Tail.

"What if he has a bo staff?" asked Bulk Biceps.

"What if instead of a banana, it is actually a plantain?" joked Toe Tapper.

"They're called bashou-zokus in the karate world, now shut the fuck up before I buck you so hard in the balls that doctors will legally classify you as a gelding Mr. Anzu!" snarled the master with annoyance.

"His name is Toe Tapper sensei." pointed out Noteworthy.

The master glared at Noteworthy. "Oh, you think you are smarter than your own master now huh? You think you know it all now huh?" he said incredulously. "Okay then, why don't you grow a pair of balls and come at me with that banana Mr. Jiga, if you know it all." he dared his student. Noteworthy just rolled his eyes and held the banana in his mouth in the most threatening way that one can hold it in with a banana in their mouth. "Now come at me like you mean it!"

The blue stallion did as told and charged up to the master. Suddenly, the master pulled out a katana and swiftly sliced the unlucky stallion across the torso, his internal organs literally spill out to the floor in a fountain of blood. The three students look on in shock that their fellow classmate was killed in front of them in cold blood.

"Now just take the banana away and eat it." the master grabbed the blood soaked banana out of the dead stallion's mouth and began to eat it. He quickly spit it out. "Oh yuck this isn't a banana, it's a bashou-zoku, that damn pimple faced stockcolt lied to me!"

"You...you...killed him..." said a stunned Comet Tail.

"Because he was attacking me with a banana." explained the master.

"But you told him to." pointed out Bulk.

"Well, he was a little annoying shit, he had it coming." he responded nonchalantly. "Besides, I was just showing you how to defend yourselves against fruit."

"And a bo staff." chimed Toe Tapper.

"I said shut the fuck up!" he hissed at Tapper.

"But what if he came at you with a banana, but you don't have a katana?" asked Comet with curiosity.

"Well, just scream bloody murder and run for your life." answered the master. "Although that would not work when someone shoves a houri down your throat."

"A houri?" asked Bulk for clarification.

"Holy shit?! Where?!" the master quickly cowers himself behind a support beam. He had his katana at the ready to strike.

"Uh...there is no houri sensei.." the white muscular pegasus was confused.

"Thank Celestia." the master breathed a sigh of relief. "I thought I was going to get it then and there."

"With a houri?"

"WHERE?!" he panicked and got into fighting stance, ready to attack.

"Oh..." he blushed with embarrassment. He soon pulled himself together to continue the lecture. "Okay, now let's move on to the kiichigo." he pulled out a kiichigo out of his gi. "Okay Mr. Momo-"

"Toe Tapper." corrected the tall blue stallion.

"Whatever! Just come at me with this kiichigo!" he threw it at Toe Tapper. "And do it in the most threatening way possible, pretend like you intend to sodomize me with it." he got into fighting stance.

"Will you promise not to disembowel me like you did Noteworthy?" asked an intimidated Toe Tapper. He looked over at the dead corpse on the dojo floor.

The master gave an annoyed sigh. "Yes, I promise I will not disembowel you."

"Just like how you promised us that we'll be using the bo staff?" added Bulk.

The master angrily turned to Bulk. "Listen here you little fuck, if I hear you mention the bo staff one more time, I'll grab one from the wall and shove it up so far up your asshole that'll come out the other side! Understood!?"

The pegasus stallion just stood there in stunned silence. He turned back to Toe Tapper. "Now Mr. Tapper, try to sodomize me with those kiichigos."

"Only if you put down that katana!" demanded the blue stallion.

"Mother fucking-" the master mumbled the rest as he placed the katana back in its sheath and threw it across the room. "There! Gone! Happy now?!"

"So you were going to disembowel me!"

"Just shove those kiichigos up my ass like any mad pony would do!" he bent over and lifted up his tail. "Come on!"

Toe Tapper just rolled his eyes and rushed up to his master. Only for the master to step on a hidden panel on the floor, which triggered a trap. Tapper was suddenly caught in a laser grid. Bulk and Comet looked on helplessly as their friend was literally diced to several chunks.

The master got up with a smirk. "To defend yourself against a kiichigo, just tap on the secret pressure point on the floor and watch your opponent get diced into chunks by your state of the art laser system."

"Who uses such a thing?!" exclaimed Comet.

"And what if you don't have a laser system?" asked Bulk incredulously.

"That's easy Bulk, you just disembowel him." smirked the master.

"If you don't have a katana?" asked Comet.

The master's blood began to boil with rage from how annoying his students became. "You know what," he throws both his students baskets filled with kiichigos. "come at me with those, I'll show how to defend yourself without a katana or laser system, now come at me you little shits!"

"No katana or laser system?" asked Comet.

"No bo staff?" asked Bulk.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR BO STAFF!" snarled the master at Bulk. "JUST ATTACK ME ALREADY!"

"FINE!" yelled Bulk who took the bait. He quickly charged at his master. "YEAH!"

"Bulk wait, I don't think that's such a good-" Comet warned his friend only to see the master pull a secret lever that sent a giant tiger at Bulk.

"AHHH!" Bulk gave a loud blood curling scream as Comet saw his friend get mauled by the tiger.

"BULK!" yelled the unicorn who ran over to held his friend, only for a second tiger to pounce on him and maul him.

The master laughed manically. "Yeah, how do you like that you fucking cocksuckers!?" he looked on. "Do you two have any idea how busy I am trying to defend the world against fruit wielding crazies to deal with you two? Well, fuck you two! You want to defend yourselves? Well, try to defend that you buttfucking pieces of shit!" he laughed like a mad pony. "Congratulations fruit wielders, you stopped nothing!"

Back at the coffee lounge, Coloratura continued to perform in front of the small audience. "Remember the days of the old schoolyard. We used to laugh a lot, oh don't you. Remember the days of the old schoolyard. When we had imaginings and we had. All kinds of things and we laughed. And needed love... Yes, I do!" she sang.

At Appleloosa, Braeburn looked around at his apple orchard, after a long day at work. He breathed in the clean air. "Ah yes, it is a stallion's life out here in Appleloosa!" he exclaimed.

"I HEARD THAT!" exclaimed an angry Shining Armor who ran in. "This sketch is over, you sir, have been served by the Royal Guard Legal Team!" he gave the yellow stallion a court summons. "See you in court pirate!" he snarled before he walked away.

"But ah was about it give my monologue gosh darn it, ah had to sleep with Mr. Toity himself to get this." he said dejected. He slowly limped away in pain, tail firmly between the legs. "And he came in dry too..."

Time Turner walked into Twilight Sparkle's library, Starlight Glimmer was there reading a book. "Uh, hello?" asked Turner. Starlight quickly jumped with fright.

"Who goes there?!" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh..." Turner looked on. "I'm just here to borrow a book."

"Oh, uh, we don't have any books." she lied as she used her magic to knock down all the books from a nearby shelf. "We just ran out."

"But what do you call those things you are knocking down?" asked the stallion.

"Oh? Those?" she played dumb. "Uh...they're reserved."

"ALL of the books are on reserve?!"

"Yep, all of them." she admitted.

"By whom?" he asked.

"To uh...uh...some very important pony and uh..." she tried to make up an excuse to get rid of the customer. "...oh look, it's lunch time, time for me to go and have lunch." she grabbed her paper bag.

"But it's only 10am?"

"Did I say lunch?!" she nervously laughed. "I meant brunch, yeah, brunch, now leave!" she used her magic to open the door for him.

"But I was told to come here!" he exclaimed.

"Why didn't you say so?!" Starlight quickly grabbed Time Turner and pinned him up against a nearby wall. "The Queen of Corona is named Rosie." she whispered into his ear.

Turner just blushed from how intimately close he was to the mare who had him pinned. "Uh...are you seducing me?" he asked the mare, completely confused.

"Just say your line already." demanded Starlight.

"What line?"

"Only down by the..." she began. "You know the rest."

"What?"

"You're supposed to say something along the lines of 'only down by the schoolyard'." she said with annoyance. "Remember?"

"Uh...no?" he looked on slightly afraid for his safety.

Starlight grabbed Turner with her magic and was about to throw him out. "So who sent you then?!"

"Just some mare with a moon cutie mark." explained Turner.

"Does she have a pale cornflower blue mane with a brilliant azure coat?" prodded the mare.

"No, she had a dark blue mane with a light cornflower bluish gray." corrected Turner.

"Oh darn, got confused there for a moment, good day." said the mare about to throw the stallion out.

"But what is going on around here?!" demanded Time Turner.

Starlight dropped Turner to the floor and closed the door. "Oh crud, you now know too much!" she panicked. "There's nothing going on!"

"Yes there is!" pointed out a suspicious Turner.

"Just tell me what book you wanted to check-out, and make it quick!" demanded the mare.

"Just a travel book titled "An Illustrative Guide to the Bayou Swamps of Equestria and its Natives."". stated the stallion.

Starlight was stunned. "My goodness, you have big balls."

"What?!" Turner quickly placed his tail between his hindlegs, he thought the mare saw them.

"How much do you know!" growled Starlight as he horn glowed with powerful magic.

"About...what...?" he slowly stepped back.

"Are you from the Every Villain Is Lemons organization?" demanded the unicorn for an answer.

"What?!" exclaimed Time Turner. "I'm just a watch maker and time keeper!"

"Unlikely story there, now tell me the truth or else you'll never leave this room alive!"

"I'm just a time keeper!"

"A time keeper who is checking out a book about the bayou, headquarters of the EVIL organization?"

"Yes?" he admitted with confusion.

Starlight Glimmer just laughed. She could smell one of their spies from a mile away.

"Not so fast Starlight!" exclaimed a new voice. Starlight turned around to see that it was Sunset Shimmer.

"Sunset!" she growled.

Time Turner just looked on. "Okay?..."

"Where did Party Favor hide the Alicorn Amulet for you Starlight?!" Sunset's horn glowed, ready to attack.

"What amulet?" said Starlight playing dumb.

"Don't play dumb with me, you know what it did to Lemon Zest!" snarled Sunset.

"Who's Lemon Zest?" asked the stallion.

"SHUT UP!" both mares screamed in unison.

"Just tell me where the amulet is located at Starlight, and I'll let you leave." Sunset bargained.

"It's located on the second floor of Ponyville town hall." admitted Starlight. She was suddenly hit in the eye by a blast of magic from Sunset. "AHHH okay! Third floor!" she admitted with agony.

"Thank you Starlight." laughed Sunset evilly before she trotted towards the door to go out and get the amulet.

"Not so fast!" said a new voice. Sunset looked on completely stunned to see Trixie before her, ready to attack.

"Grrr...Trixie!" Sunset snarled.

"The great and powerful Trixie demands that you stand down and let yourself be tied up by my henchponies." ordered Trixie.

Sunset turned off her magic and went down to the floor as a sign of surrender. Soon, Snips and Snails, inexplicably dressed in nurse costumes, run in and start to tie up Sunset.

"So, is Trixie on your side Miss Glimmer?" asked Turner.

"Oh please peon!" spat Trixie. "Trixie is on no ones side, like Trixie would ever be on the same side as you two bitches." she mocked. "Now back against the wall Starlight, and you two beta stallion, to the wall!" she threatened to fire a deadly magical spell. Both Starlight and Time Turner did as told.

"Now, where is the Alicorn Amulet Starlight?!" demanded Trixie.

"Not so fast!" yelled a new voice. Everyone turns around to see that it is Sunburst.

"SUNBURST!" yelled everyone except Time Turner.

"Okay Trixie, against the wall along with your cross dressing nurses!" order the stallion magician. "Now, someone here has five seconds to tell me where the Alicorn Amulet is or else I'll turn you all into your spirit animal!"

"How could you betray me like this Sunburst!" yelled Starlight, heartbroken. "I let you go to the third base with me last night and this is how you repay me?!"

Suddenly, the front door opened and Starlight, Time Turner, Sunset, Trixie, Snips, Snails and Sunburst turned around to see an annoyed Twilight Sparkle and Spike standing before them. "STARLIGHT!"

"Oh hey Twilight." greeted Starlight sheepishly.

"What did I tell you about running the library without me?"

"Too...uh...not?" Starlight gave a nervous chuckle.

Twilight gave the pink mare an angry look.

Starlight sighed and turned to everyone else. "Role play is over, go home." she reluctantly announced. Everyone gave an annoyed groan before they all shuffled out.

"I put on these nylon stockings for nothing!" complained Snails.

Time Turner quietly followed everyone else outside and went his own way to his house. He turned to the camera. "Role playing is fun and all, but ponies sure can take it way too seriously at times, it's like they believe they live in some kind of fantasy land." he mused before he gave a chuckled over the situation. He then reached a big blue box that read 'Police Box' and went inside. "Silly ponies." he mused as the door closed and the box slowly began to disappear.

IT'S A STALLION'S LIFE IN ROLE PLAYING.

"NO!" yelled Shining. "Damn it, I warned you about this but you didn't listen." he walked away to give the author a piece of his mind, which is code for 'beat the living shit out of him'.

Owl-Stretching Time stars (in order of appearance)...
Coloratura
Fleur dis Le
Fancy Pants
Trenderhoof
Shining Armor
Caramel
Rarity
Noteworthy
Comet Tail
Bulk Biceps
Toe Tapper
Braeburn
Time Turner
Starlight Glimmer
Sunset Shimmer
Trixie Lulamoon
Snips
Snails
Sunburst
Twilight Sparkle
Spike

Shining suddenly came across an old stallion who stood on top of a cliff overlooking the scenery. "And I thought I told you to get out of Equestrian government property!" he said before he pushed the old stallion down the cliff.

"SORRY!" he yelled as he fell.