How I Fell in Love as I Lay (Swam?) Dieing
"And on your left," the tour pony droned, "is Equestria Lake. Once the 'Great Equestrian Ocean,' it has shrink in size over the years, like my husband's stallionhood."
She couldn't sound more bored if she tried, I mused to myself.
"This lake is unremarkable except for the fact that it is the leading cause of magical fluctuations across Equestria."
I sighed heavily as I gazed out at the lake, wondering why I had even gotten out of bed this morning. I was supposed to be doing research, but I don't know how the princesses expected me to do that with zero funding. But on the bright side, I am getting paid.
While she might have been correct about the latter fact, it was those same fluctuations that made the former false. The Equestria Lake should have dried up a long, long time ago, like Her Highness Twilight Sparkle had predicted. The fact remained that the area the lake occupied was still very much full of water, and unsuitable for building Princess Luna's new shopping mall. Naturally, this meant that something extrasupernatural was going on; more supernatural than your average supernatural occurrences, such as random fiery explosions in Ponyville's nearby castle. I shudder to think what experiments Princess Sparkle conducts in there.
Suddenly, an unexpected hoof jabbed me rudely in the flank, bringing me back to reality. It appeared that I had slipped into one of my frequent yet unwelcome daydreams as I gazed blankly out over the gently lapping water. The offending hoof invaded my personal space again, and this time it was accompanied by a voice:
"Helllooo, I asked you a question. Its very rude to ignore a mare when shes talking to you."
At first, I though it was the tour guide, but while the voice was female, it actually had motion to it, as well as an annoyed tone. And an irresistible charm that I had never encountered before. And a commanding tone that made me feel cowed for ignoring it for what appeared to have been some time. I turned towards the voice with a rueful smile and an apology on my lips, but both fell away when I saw who, or rather what, had gotten my attention.
It was a mermare. A MERMARE! A live, breathing, honest to goodness mermare was talking to me, and not in gurgley Fishese, but in crisp, clear, comprehensive Ponese. She did have a watery sort of accent, but it made her voice sound beautiful in a foreign sort of way. In stories, mermares were thought to be deceitful, half-fish monsters that lured hapless sailors to a not so pleasant grave in the oceans, but that was certainly not what I was looking at. Before me was the most stunningly beautiful female to have ever walked (swam?) on the known lands. Her sea-green mane was splayed out as if it was floating through the water. Her eyes, the same exotic color as her hair, flickered in a way that imitated light refracting through water. The mermare's blue fur looked soft, smooth, and not at all slimy. Here and there, patches of vibrant blue scales glistened palely in the sunlight. Her tail was... not there, but she had legs models would certainly kill and or maim for.
Since this mare didn't have a tail, like mermares are supposed to, one might have asked how I knew she was in fact a mermare. The answer is simple: No pony would walk up to me in their birthday suit on a beach unless that pony was drunk out of their mind, in which case they would be stumbling, not walking. For you see, Princess Twilight Sparkle always felt very uncomfortable and awkward in public, especially when giving a big speech, so the other princesses, under duress, mind you, made it a law to "Always be clothed in public. Or else." I think the "or else" bit was a bit vague and unnecessary, but then again, I myself am not a princess. Because this mysterious, yet magnificent, mermare was, as previously stated, in the nude, I deduced that she was not from any of the known lands. The floating hair and scales kinda gave it away as well.
"Hey, are you asleep or something?"
Oh Celestia. She must have been talking to me this whole time. I realized this at the same time I realized I had been staring at her bare teets most of the time. To say that I was mortified is an understatement. Words cannot describe how embarrassed I was. My entire face became red with a firey blush, and I quickly averted my gaze to the side. Just as quickly, I realized that sideways was the wrong way to look, since she wasn't wearing any pants. I decided that the safest place for me to look was up, so I stood there staring at wisps of her floating sea-green hair mane. While I was trying to preserve her dignity (not that she seemed to care much about dignity), she burst into laughter, most likely at me. Her laughter was light and resonating, and immediately brought a smile to my face, but only compounded my embarrassment that much more.
"Like the view?" she asked teasingly.
I closed my eyes, wishing that lightning would strike me, or a pit would open up and swallow me whole. She's talking about the lake, right? I prayed. Please tell me she's talking about the lake. Oh Celestia, why couldn't she be talking about the lake?!
"Relax, I was just talking about the lake." She must have noticed that I was uncomfortable due to the fact that my face was burning brighter than three Summer Sun Celebrations. "Unless there is another stunning view around," she added, giving her shoulders a slight shake at the word 'stunning'. Naturally, my gaze was drawn downwards... to... to her... to THEM. I doubt my face could have gotten any hotter after that exchange, seeing as I was exceeding seven Summer Sun Celebrations, five being the normal parameters for a high fever.
This situation can't make me feel any more awkward, right? I asked myself as my face and back grew damp with perspiration.
WRONG.
She took a step forward, closing the distance between us to less than two hoof-lengths.
Oh Celestia, I took to prayer again, not that mine had ever been answered, in the hope that I would wake up. Please let me die. No, I must already be dead, and this is hell. Who am I kidding, there is no way I would be lucky enough to be dead. Life just doesn't work in my favor that way.
"C-Can... can I... h-help...?" I stammered. Never in my life have I ever been at a loss for words. My acquaintances, they always came to despise me before we could become friends, were always complaining, behind my back of course, that I talk too much. None the less, there I was, unable to string four words together to make a simple question.
"You're not like the others, are you?" she inquired, ignoring my pitiful attempt at talking (thankfully).
"What do you mean?" I asked with expression and a gesture, since I knew I still wouldn't be able to speak.
"You're not like them," she pointed at the tour group that had shambled some distance away from us. The dull, distant droning of the guide could still be faintly heard over the caressing breeze and crashing waves. "Are you." This time it sounded like less of a question, and more like a statement.
I shrugged my shoulders and gave my head a slight shake to convey my answer of "I guess not."
"You go on these... tours, every day, but then you always stop and stare out at the ocean, and I can't help but wonder if you..." she trailed off, as if in embarrassment for what she had just said, or for what she was about to say.
"Because you're so beautiful," I immediately blurted without any thought.
After what I said sunk in, the mermare and I had similar facial expressions; we both had eyes big as saucers cherry colored cheeks, and I'm sure we looked like fools with our jaws on the ground.
Even if my response wasn't thought through at all, It was the truth. Well, pretty close to the truth. When I first went on a tour to begin my research on Equestria Lake, I had seen a girl whose beauty could only exist in a story; or so I thought. At first I though that I was hallucinating because of some particularly strange, but tasty, mind you, mushrooms from my backyard that I had had with breakfast, so I came back. I cam back every day in the hopes of seeing her, but I only caught glimpses of her just under the water. Just out of reach. No pony else seemed to take notice of the mare in the lake, since a large portion of ponykind had individually chosen to give up individuality for the "greater good," and became part of the so called "Great Mind". Its actually surprising how well dictatorships work without individuality.
She recovered first from our mutual shock at my monumental blunder, and attempted to break the painfully awkward silence that I had unintentionally created.
"Um... I, uh... that's..." she stammered as she averted her gaze and covered her modesty.
To think that I was the one being awkward just moments ago. Not that I wasn't still being weird now, but it was nice to have the tables turned.
She turned away from me towards the lake, muttering something under her breath. With her back to me I was finally able to relax somewhat. Wow, I thought, her back looks really smooth. Its like silk, and flawless too; not a piece of fur out of place. Her flanks have a nice natural curve to them, and her rump looks so fi--AM I DROOLING?! I wiped my chin with the back of my hoof to reveal a streak of crimson on my emerald colored fur. I followed the trail of blood with my hoof up to my nose.
"When the hell did I get a nosebleed?" I mused to myself.
"Probably when you were staring at my 'endowments'," she teased, looking over her shoulder with a smirk.
But of course fate couldn't stick with me for long. My life would be way too easy if that happened.
Fate turned her back on both of us when I heard the very distant thumping of approaching rotor-wings, one of Crazy Sparkle's inventions. The mermare must have heard it as well, because we both turned to see where the sound was coming from. We spotted four rotor-wings moving along the shore, coming from the direction the tour group had gone, close to top speeds. A sinking feeling formed in my chest and worked its way down into my gut, slowly morphing into dread, as they sped towards us. My dread turned into shear terror when the rotor-wings began to slow their approach. When they stopped over us, I had broken out in a cold sweat, and I wasn't sure if my heart was beating anymore.
I glanced at the mermare and saw her mouth moving, but I couldn't hear what she was saying over the deafening noise that the four vehicles were making.
"Joseph Filler, you are under arrest for the assassination of Princess Celestia, fair ruler of New Equestria," a soldier's voice proclaimed over a loudspeaker.
"Uhh... Thats not my name..." I tried to shout at the soldier. Naturally, I failed, what with four rotor-wings hovering over me.
The mermare's expression changed from one of worry, to one of confused shock, likely very similar to the look on my face. When she noticed our faces were matching for the second time since we (sort of) met, she said something else, and gave a decisive nod.
"If you attempt to run, we have permission to use any means necessary to apprehend you. Including force," the soldier added unnecessarily. I had no doubt that "force" really meant "lethal force" which would turn out to not be so pleasant as it sounded, as they would likely make several clones of me and punish them in my stead.
I felt her grab my hoof, and then we were running. After we had specifically just been told not to run, here we were. Running. Into the lake. As if that would do much good.
I would have loved to have been killed, or even hit, by one, just one, of the hundreds of bullets that were unloaded at us. I would have loved to have the sweet embrace of death wash away this ridiculously horrible day. And at this point, I would have loved for the "Great Mind" Spec Ops to not be trying to capture/kill me. Unfortunately, life refuses to work in my favor that way. Not one, not one single bullet managed to hit, or even graze me. This was most likely some sort of divine punishment for something that I did in a past life. I must have done something truly awful, like accidentally killing a butterfly to warrant this punishment.
By now we were far enough under water that the bullets weren't even coming close to us, and we were deep enough that the loudspeaker and choppers were no longer audible, and we were also deep enough that I was drowning.
"Wow! You do have a tail!" I exclaimed with glee when I saw the mermare. At least I tried to. As soon as I opened my mouth to breathe, I gulped in a huge lung-full of salty fish-air. My inferior pony lungs prevented me from sifting the air from the water, causing me to being the process of drowning.
Finally, I mused, this cruel, cruel day is going to end. At least, that's what I thought, until I felt lips pressing against mine. A kiss from a gorgeous, naked mare was not even close to being something that I had ever considered would happen when I was about to die. That being said, I was nowhere close to being surprised, seeing as this bizarre day had already been full of ridiculous events.
The kiss was nothing I had ever imagined it to be, seeing as I had never even thought that I would get married, let alone a smooch from a living mare. Kissing that dead filly way back when only happened because of a bet I lost. While it had been my first kiss, and only kiss until now, no pony could complain about how lousy I am at it. My first kiss had been cold and firm, and needless to say she hadn't responded to my actions at all. My underwater kiss, by comparison, was a wet, wonderful, welcome sensation. When her lips finally parted mine, I was shocked to realize how much I didn't want that moment or sensation to go away. Unfortunately, unlike everything bad that has ever happened to me, all the good parts of my life ended too soon, and that kiss was certainly no exception.
Even though it really wasn't much of a kiss, it still left me gasping for breath, more so than when I was drowning. This was the part of drowning where ponies typically black out and die soon after, but I realized that I was still conscious. Apparently, getting kissed by a mermare allows one to breath underwater. Hopefully, its only temporary, so that she will have to kiss me more in order for me to not die. I would like that. A lot.
"Feeling better?" she asked. Her cute, gurgley accent was gone, which kinda made sense, seeing as we were underwater.
"Yeah," I replied, my heart still racing from the past few minutes. "I'm breathing water right?" I dragged my hoof through the water in front of me just to be sure.
"Mermare magic," she said, smiling coyly. "Did you enjoy it?"
My reply was an uncomprehending stare directed at her. She sighed in exasperation at my lack of comprehension.
"The kiss, silly. Did you like it?"
It was then that my brain finally started to process all the events that had happened so far, beginning with the fact that I was breathing under water. Next on the list was the fact that I had just been kissed by a mermare (score!). In addition, I had most likely been framed for the murder of Princess Celestia. I also noticed that the water in front of me growing steadily redder, and that I was in a huge amount of pain. That's when I lost consciousness.
* * *
I remembered being dragged through the water at a very fast pace, while breifly waking and hearing her telling me to "stay with me", and that "everything is going to be alright." I also remember marveling through the pain at how beautiful she looked when she was all cute and worried. I also recalled the fact that I had absolutely no idea what her name was.
* * *
The next time I awoke, I felt an incredible warmth draped across my chest. It was all encompassing and silky smooth, except for the occasional patch of scales, just like... her...
Surely not. Its not her, I hoped as I opened my eyes to confirm or deny my suspicion. Sure enough. There she was, draped across me; warm, a bit heavy, and still naked. Of course she was still naked. Does she even know the meaning of clothing? Wanting to extract myself from this situation, I tried to move my front legs, finding that my left leg refused to budge. I briefly looked down, becoming acutely aware of the fact that the unmoving leg was nestled between THEM, gingerly trying to move said leg only resulted in tickling THEM.
As if the situation couldn't get any worse, my accidental tickling caused her to squirm lightly and make soft noises. Feeling my face start to burn very hot, as well as pressure begin to build up in my nasal passages, I did what any self-respecting stallion would do:
"E-Excuse me..." I said loudly, trying to wake her. "Um... fish-lady... whose name I, don't, know... you--" the words were starting to get stuck. "You should p-probably wake up... or something..." I managed to get out after clearing my throat, while trying to gently shake her awake with my free hoof. It seemed to work, since she lifted her head, looking around in slight confusion. She looked down at me, and recognition filled her eyes. She shifted in order to get a better look at me, and when she did, we were both reminded of the fact that my left hoof was still snuggled firmly between THEM. Both our faces grew bright because of the situation we found ourselves in, but hers quickly surpassed mine.
She gave a small yelp, which I found very cute and somewhat attractive, while she jumped backwards in order to get off of me. I was totally okay with this--except for the fact that she neglected to release my leg, this pulling me with her. As my leg was yanked in ways it never should be, I gave my own small cry. While hers had been one of surprise and embarrassment, mine was naturally one of pain and discomfort.
Realizing that she was the cause of my pain, she dropped me, and yelled "Sorry!" in apology. Hitting the hard floor, which I later determined was corral, I released another groan of pain.
"I am soooo sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you but I did and now I feel really bad about it," she said rapidly as she helped me back onto the bed from which I fell. "You're not mad at me, are you Mr. Filler?" she asked with big sad eyes and slightly quivering lips. One look at that face filled me with so many new emotions, that I felt the need to do whatever I could to make her smile again, just so that I would cease to be tormented by that look she was giving me, as adorable as it was.
"Of course I'm not mad at you!" I told her with all the reassurance I could muster. This seemed to work, since her face was immediately lit up by a warm smile. While it was a smile that could melt the coldest of hearts, and it certainly evaporated mine, it did little to relieve the sense of guilt that had enveloped my entire being. Celestia knows how terrible she would feel, and transversly make me feel, if I told her that my name wasn't really Joseph Filler, and that the debacle with the "Great Mind" Spec Ops was a huge misunderstanding.
Her gaze suddenly flicked down towards my chest, and her expression changed to one of sadness mixed with regret. Her eyes returned to mine in an instant, along with her smile; it was almost as if nothing had happened. I would just have easily assumed that I had imagined it, had I not noticed that her smile was now lack-luster compared to before. Feeling a bit concerned that she would be so upset just from glancing at my chest, I took a look myself.
At first I was speechless. What I saw there made my mind go blank: My chest had patches of scales that reminded me of the ones on her, though mine were a healthy green color to match my fur.
When I recovered a bit from my shock, the only thing I could manage to say was:
"When did those scales get there? But more importantly," I continued, looking farther down my body. "Why am I naked?"
"Y-You... You... What?" she stammered, looking flabbergasted.
"My clothes," I explained matter of factly. "They appear to have disappeared." I even chuckled at my own semi-pun.
She still seemed to be unable to formulate a complete sentence, since her reply was more stuttering that was posing as a question.
I just stared at her. I t was all I could seem to do. She really was beautiful, and the longer I looked the harder it became to breathe.
Her sputtering became mumbling, and eventually she fell silent. We sat there, me staring at her, her looking anywhere but at me while emotions played swiftly across her face, like half recalled memories that flick in and out of the mind. To alleviate the awkwardness, because it was awkward, I decided to get up and walk over to the window. Standing up felt different, in a strange way, and walking somehow turned into swimming, which I was not expecting. When I got to the window, a school of fish swam past. None of this struck me as strange, until I took a deep breath of--
Water.
I turned around to see a pensive look on my mermare friend's face as she gazed at me. I returned her look with one of confusion.
"Is this water?" I asked, gesturing around me with a hoof, even though I already knew the answer.
Before she could answer, a mermare-stallion burst into the room, brandishing a trident.
"Are you alright Princess? I heard screaming from down the hall," he asked with an over-exuberant amount of concern. "Ah, it seems the prisoner is finally awake," he sneered after noticing me by the window. "Come, Lord Precippen demands to see you. He also wishes for you to join the prisoner, Princess Valkeerie."
He said this with such authority that I didn't even question the "princess," "prisoner," or "Precippen" that he threw about the room as if they meant something.
So her name's Val. AND she's a princess, I thought as I followed the protective mermare-stallion. Princess Val, however, stayed stock still as she glared at the armed newcomer.
"He only just woke up, Precippen can--"
"Lord Precippen does not make requests, Princess," he growled at Val, returning her glare.
I didn't appreciate the way he talked to Val, especially as she was a princess, but I held my tongue, not wanting to make anymore trouble for myself or Val. Even though I wasn't the one being reprimanded, I still felt a bit cowed, but Princess Val was still glaring as the guard turned to head out the door.
Without further ado, Val and I followed the angry, protective mermare-stallion to meet this Lord Precippen fellow. After going a ways while swimming in tense silence, I decided to start a conversation, which turned out to be almost as big a mistake as getting out of bed this morning.
"So Val--" was as far as I got before the murderous, angry, protective mermare-stallion had me pressed up against a wall with the shaft of his trident pressed firmly against my throat.
"If I ever hear you address the Princess so casually again, prisoner, I will personally geld you, and feed your stallionhood to the fishes." After spitting that in my face, he whirled around and kept swimming, leaving me gasping for water.
The princess looked like she was about to say something, but I ignored her and swam after my guard. I immediately regretted brushing the princess off when I saw the dejected look on her face; however, I was determined to not turn back and cause any more problems.
When we reached the throne room, not another word had been spoken, and the atmosphere was downright dismal. I noticed there were no guards at the door, but didn't have time to think about it as the we hurried through the already opening doors.
"Joseph Filler, I presume," boomed a large man lounging in a throne. "What a pleasure to meet you," he said with a false smile to accompany a false, cheery tone.
"Actually--" I had started to correct everypony involved that I was not actually Joseph Filler, but I was interrupted by the rude fish-stallion.
"Lord Precippen! I have brought the prisoner, and the princess, as you requested," enthused my least-favorite being under the sea.
"As I commanded," Precippen casually corrected. This seemed to cow the guard somewhat, as he swam back out of the way a few strokes.
Precippen then turned to the princess. "Valkeerie, it seems you have made a mistake. One that will certainly shape the future of our people forever," he stated somberly, a frown creasing his brow.
"I haven't done anything wrong!" Val protested, even though she sounded like she didn't quite believe that herself.
"Oh, but you have, my dear," Precippen said with a false sweetness that made me sick, and sent shivers down my spine. "You went and made contact with a land-dweller, and shared our magic with him. And you know what that means."
After hearing this, Val became very pale and silent, and I dreaded whatever was to happen next.
"You," he said emphatically as he turned towards me. "You must take responsibility and become prince and heir of my domain."
"WHAAAT?!?" all three of us exclaimed together.
"It was an accident!" Val wailed.
"But he's a pony," seethed the guard.
"Are you adopting me?" I pondered.
Precippen raised his hoof for us to fall silent, and it was as if he were using magic to force us into silence, but I hadn't seen a horn on him. Judging by how quiet the room was, the others felt the same magic as I did. After giving us a look that told us his word is law, Precippen lowered his hoof, and the magic faded. I gasped for water, not realizing that I had been holding my breath.
"The wedding will be in one month," Precippen said in a booming, commanding voice. "Joseph Filler," I looked deep into his eyes as he said my name, and say something malicious there. "Welcome to the Rapture Family!" I looked at the other occupants of the room: the guard glared daggers of hate at me; Val gazed at me with woeful sorrow; Precippen's smile nearly made me throw up; and I'm sure my face was a mixture of confusion and fear, as I wondered why, oh why, I had gotten out of bed this morning.
Author's Note
Thats the end! Probably. If there are a number of ponies who would like to see what happens on the wedding date, find out what "Joseph Filler's" real name is, and discover why Princess Valkeerie and the guard hate each other, I might be inclined to write more.
Please feel free to leave a comment bellow, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed Pony Lake!
