The Cutie Mark Inquisition

by Gapeagle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1910

Rainbow Dash and Twilight find out that Starlight has a new..."trick" up her sleeve. It was totally unexpected.

When Rainbow Dash is interrogated by Twilight over a trivial manner, the former mumbles something along the lines "Geez, I didn't expect a Cutie Mark Inquisition."

Well, those words lead to an afternoon of complete confusion…

Of course, based on the Spanish Inquisition sketch by Monty Python.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-18 03:06:11 UTC

Nobody Expects....Blah blah blah...

"How did this break?" Twilight growled at her friend.

Rainbow Dash shrugged nonchalantly. Twilight huffed indignantly as she once again inspected the burned book, Blue Things That Go Fast, which she found earlier that afternoon. Since Rainbow Dash had been hanging around the castle's library that morning, Twilight concluded that she must be the culprit as Spike was working with Rarity.

"It's not that big of a deal, Twi. I was reading the latest Daring Do and that's about it. I have no idea how the book got burned."

"It can't just spontaneously combust!" Twilight argued. "What happened? Was there a fire? Did you tip the candle over? Did a dragon attack Ponyville? Why is this book burned like it went through a blazing furnace?!"

Rainbow hovered away from the angry alicorn. Twilight continued to demand answers while she jumped up and down in an adorable, yet annoying, fashion.

"C'mon, Twilight, so what if the book got burned? Things happen."

"Not like this!"

"Twi, I don't know-"

"Yes, you do!" Twilight stomped repeatedly.

Rainbow crossed her legs in frustration. Her magenta eyes rolled far into the back of her head with aggravation. After shaking her head once or twice, she leaned close to the princess, making sure the other can here her perfectly. However, her words only came out as a mumble.

"Geez, Twilight, I didn't expect a cutie mark inquisition!"

"What?" The princess responded confusedly.

Before either one knew it, the large crystal doors flew open with a deafening "bamb!" Four oddly dressed ponies proceeded to storm in with such tenacity that Twilight jumped back in fright. The leader of this pack was none other than Starlight Glimmer, with a purplish cloak and a large purple brimmed hat. However, the most prominent thing she was wearing was her devious grin that just shouted "evil."

The three other ponies were obviously equalized by their cult leader. They each had their signature creepy smiles and wide eyes. Although they were dressed similarly to Starlight, they were far less kept and blatant wrinkles ruined the cloaks. It appeared like they put them on haphazardly just moments prior.

"Nobody expects the Cutie Mark Inquisition!" Starlight yelled proudly.

"The wha-" Rainbow tried to utter.

"Shut it!" Starlight hissed before continuing. "Now, our chief weapon is surprise....surprise and fear. That's two weapons," she started to stammer, "Fear and surprise....also ruthlessness. Was it ruthlessness?" she paused. "No, it was ruthless efficiency...That's actually three weapons. Ugh! What was the fourth?" She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Oh never mind! We'll try again!"

Starlight then turned around and pushed her equalized comrades back out of the door, while berating herself for messing up the delivery of her rehearsed speech. The equalized ponies had no say as they slid easily across the crystal floor and out of the room. Once they were all out, Starlight closed the large doors until there was only a crack which she stuck her head through.

"Now you, Rainbow, please say what you said," she ordered rather politely.

"Huh? What did I say?" Rainbow shrugged.

"You know! The one about the inquisition!" Starlight hissed.

"Oh yeah..."

"Good."

Starlight closed the doors fully and waited expectantly. Rainbow and Twilight only had a confused glance at each other before shrugging in unison. The pegasus cleared her throat and risked the fateful sentence.

"I didn't expect the cutie mark inquisition?"

With another loud "bamb" that started to sound like some sound effect for a sitcom, Starlight and her crew stormed into the room. With a grin wider than before, Starlight began to say her speech in a much more confident manner.

"Nobody expects the Cutie Mark Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are diverse elements such as surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency AND a fanatical devotion to equality! We also carry our dashing equal cutie marks as a sign..."

"And?" Twilight asked after the leader paused awkwardly.

"Quiet!" Starlight yelled. "I was not supposed to say that last bit...I have to get this right. Muffin Heart, you were supposed to say that bit."

An equalized mare blinked at her with confusion, completely removing her creepy grin. "I am?"

"Yes, we went over this a thousand times!" Starlight growled.

"I'm terribly sorry-"

"Don't apologize! Let's just restart."

So, once again, the Cutie Mark Inquisition left the room and closed the door. Rainbow stifled a giggle before saying those words again.

"I didn't expect a cutie mark inquisition."

And with a third "bamb!" they entered the room with just as much tenacity as the first attempt. Only, Muffin Heart was now in the lead with Starlight hovering behind her. The mare glanced around worriedly before trying to speak.

"We have weapons-"

"No, start with the first part," Starlight whispered to her.

"What part?"

"Forget this!" Starlight pushed herself to the front. "Nobody expects the Cutie Mark Inquisition! Yadda yadda. We also carry dashing equal cutie marks as a sign of our purpose to remain equal with all ponies and never strive to be better. Now, Princess Twilight, you have been accused of unequal acts against ponykind! As punishment, you must be equalized! How do you plea?"

"Not guilty?" Twilight cocked her head.

"Ha!" Starlight and her ponies began to laugh in the most forced diabolical laughter ever heard by ponies. "Haha! I'm sure you may think this way, princess, but we have many ways of equalizing you! Quick Fetch, give me the Staff of Sameness!"

The only stallion of the group lost his smile and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Starlight noticed the delay in her commands and turned to face him.

"Well, give me the staff!" she demanded.

"That's the thing," Quick Fetch began slowly, "we never got the staff back after Double Diamond threw it at the vault."

"What?" Starlight bellowed. "This whole time? We've come all this way without the staff?!"

"I'm sorry, Starlight," he whimpered.

Redness began to fill Starlight's pink cheeks. She then forced herself to smile and appear happy before turning to Twilight. After clearing her throat once, she proceeded.

"No matter! The Cutie Mark Inquisition always have a plan B. Twilight, the offender against equality, shall be taken to the Dungeon of Sameness!"

"More like the Dungeon of Unoriginality," Rainbow commented.

"This story is the Dungeon of Unoriginality!" Pinkie called out.

"Who said that?" Rainbow and Twilight asked simultaneously.

"Quiet!" Starlight hushed them. "Quick Fetch and Muffin Heart, take the princess away...Wait! I think I'll just do it myself."

Starlight took hold of Twilight with her greenish magic and the Cutie Mark Inquisition stormed out of the room just as fast as they entered the three times before. Twilight rolled her eyes and simply allowed Starlight to take her away. Rainbow stifled another giggle before following.

"This gotta be good."

"This is the castle's basement..."

Starlight sighed. "We couldn't afford the traveling fares to Our Town, so this will have to do. Your unequal taxes make it so hard on ponies."

Twilight was strapped to a crystal wall by some shackles that she had installed a month prior. She was now wondering why she ever authorized that move. However, to her surprise, they weren't uncomfortable.

"Now, princess, since we lack the staff, I must use other methods to punish you for unequal behavior," Starlight told her.

"Why don't you just blast me with your magic? You can take my mark without the staff," Twilight reminded her.

"Quiet!" Starlight stomped her hoof.

"What did she say?" Muffin inquired nervously.

"Nothing important," Starlight said quickly.

"So what's your plan?" Twilight grinned.

"You smile now, but you won't in just a minute," Starlight growled. "Quick Fetch, give me the Flank Saw!"

"Flank Saw?" Twilight gulped.

"Yes, sometimes you have to manually remove a cutie mark. Bloody business," Starlight laughed.

"Um, Starlight, we don't have that either. Party Favor destroyed it when he tried to use it for balloons," Quick Fetch croaked.

Starlight hardly reacted. "Well then, how about the Booty Vacuum?"

"Sugar Belle turned it into a house appliance," Muffin nodded.

"The Plankster?"

"Night Glider made it into a ski for Double Diamond," the fourth member uttered.

"The Side Stripper?"

"Banned from this sketch for...reasons."

"The Cutie Mark Displacer 3000?"

"Never made it passed testing phase."

"How about the bleach stick?"

"Left it at home." Quick Fetch whimpered.

"Fine, how abou-"

"Get on with it!" The audience shouted.

Starlight sighed in frustration before returning to the princess. "Well, your luck is not aiding you. All of the least torturous methods are unavailable, so we must use..." her eyes scanned the basement, "the burnt lawn chair!"

"That chair is from my previous home..." Twilight muttered.

"No matter! Muffin and Quick Fetch, put her in the burnt lawn chair!"

"But Starlight! That's so horrid!" Muffin gasped.

"She must be an example to the unequal!" Starlight commanded. "Twilight must show Equestria that they should fear the Cutie Mark Inquisition!"

So, with little hesitation, the equalized ponies unshackled Twilight and placed her in the old lawn chair. To Twilight's surprise, it was much more comfortable than it looked and she nuzzled down into it.

"Wow, this chair is still nice," she chuckled.

Starlight scratched her head. "Hmm...She's made of harder stuff." Her eyes scanned the room again. "Aha! We shall use the old cushions against her! She'll fall to that undoubtedly!"

"This is getting old, Starlight." Twilight suddenly deadpanned.

Starlight spat back. "Oh shut it! The Cutie Mark Inquisition shall have none of your back talk!"

"Starlight, what are you doing this for?" Twilight asked.

"Revenge of course! I mean...to show how the unequal are...um...evil!"

"This is just silly..."

Twilight stood up from the chair. Rainbow, who had been laughing the whole time, was rolling in a dark corner with uncontrolled side aches. Starlight tried to force the princess back down, but it was of no use.

"Go bug someone else," Twilight said as she picked Starlight up with her magic.

"No! You cannot defy me! I've worked so hard! I've made these great costumes! This cannot be how my revenge fails!"

Twilight levitated all of the Inquisition and carried them up to the main entrance where they were promptly thrown out of the castle. Upon seeing their flanks land on the road, Twilight slammed the crystal door and wiped a single bead of sweat from her forehead.

Rainbow flew up from the basement, giggling all the way. Twilight glanced at the pegasus before shaking her head in mild disappointment.

"Well, can't say that wasn't amusing, but it was dumb. Rainbow, never mention the Cutie Mark Inquisition ag-"

The crystal doors flew open and the usual "bamb!" roared through the large halls. The group of ponies stormed in with passion and the leader yelled out at the ceiling.

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE CUTIE MAR-"

"Get out!"

Twilight's horn glowed brightly as she prepared a spell for Starlight. The cult leader's eyes widened and then she ran out of the castle, leaving the rest of the Inquisition there.

"All of you! OUT!!!"

With a scream, the equalized ponies ran for their lives. As the dust clouds of their fleeing hooves grew farther away, Twilight took a deep breath.

"Finally."

Rainbow patted Twilight on the back. "Ha, I think we've met our mightiest foe. Starlight is gonna kill us with annoyance! Haha!"

"That wasn't funny..."

"Maybe, but you know what is? The Cutie Mark Inquisition!" Rainbow winked.

Twilight gasped. "Rainbow, No!"

"NOBODY EXPECTS THE CUTIE MARK INQUISITION!!!"

~~~~