Weird ape-like creatures in uniforms are doing dance routines in my head when a splash of cold water throws me from my dreams.
"GAH!" I yell, startled more than anything else. I dart my head around, checking for any attackers. Shining Armor continues to snore lightly. Skyla is sound asleep in her crib. The room is otherwise empty. Probably. I drop my head back onto my pillow and scan the ceiling for any flying ponies. Instead I see Discord standing on it. I groan. "Discord, what the heck! Do you know how rude that is?"
He chuckles in that annoying chuckle of his. "Oh dear me, I'm sorry Princess, I really didn't mean to wake you."
I raise my eyebrows like Applejack has taught me too, then a second later realize he probably can't see my reaction. I verbalize instead. "Alright, so the glass of water was for what then?"
"Ah, yes, I can't sleep."
Cadance in Eb Aeolian
I'm not sure why I'm doing this cold open thing since this story is so short.
I can tell I'm not going to be able to easily shoo the draconequuis away, so I get up from beneath the covers and redeposit myself on my barrel with my legs folded beside me. There ought to be a term for that position. I light a soft glow upon my horn, stiffle a yawn, and smile half-heartedly. "Alight, Discord, prince of rudeness, what can I do for you?"
That gets another chuckle out of him. He sits down besides me and smiles himself. "Cadance, you know, for a pretty pink pony princess, you're surprisingly alright," he concedes.
I blush a bit, taken aback by the rare genuine compliment. "Why, thank you," I reply. "I know I have a reputation to maintain, but believe me when I say that there's a bit of a wild, rebellious mare underneath all that decorum."
"I know there is. And as a true true friend, I think you should let go of your stuffy trappings more often. You might actually be a little fun!" He pulls a tiny "F", "U", and "N" out of his nose. They're wearing familiar tricolored manes.
I roll my eyes, which to be fair is par for the the course for dealing with his antics. "Anyway," I begin, turning his turn of phrase against him, "I'm sure such a true, true friend wouldn't interrupt the privacy of my bedroom at--" I look over at a clock "--3:47 in the morning just to bug me. Surely you have an important reason for your visit?" I'm too tired to go for much more than bluntness. Forgive me.
"Oh please, nothing so dramatic. I just can't sleep, "
Of course. "I'm sorry to hear that. How exactly did that become my problem? don't you have a wife to bug?"
"Trust me, I try to bug her, I really do! But she cast some enchantment on herself that won't let me wake her up unless it's an emergency. And apparently the spell can sniff out manufactured emergencies. Clever thing, that Sparkle."
It's my turn to laugh. At the situation and at them. You know a couple is odd when even I think their relationship is weird. Like the fact that they barely tolerate each other half the time. The other half the time they're a terrifying diplomatic team. "Goodness," I retort, "it's almost like she enjoys her beauty sleep. I can't imagine why that would be."
"I know, right?" I can't even tell if he's being earnest.
Shiny decides to wake up. Or not. It's not really his choice. "... Ughh, what is it honey?" he groggily asks, earplugs and sleep mask still in place. He's utterly adorable, but I'd rather this not become his problem too.
"Discord is being Discord. Go back to sleep."
"Oh, okay, snookums. good night." He rolls over, and I cast a gentle "Sandmare's Sifter" spell; he settles back into comfy dreams.
I turn back to the draconequus that's now suddenly spooning me.
"Hello Discord. I didn't realize we had cuddling benefits. Finding MY bed comfortable enough for your tastes?"
He nibbles on the sheets. "Yes, I certainly am. Thank you for asking."
I whinny in mild frustration. "Would you like me to cast a sleep spell on you too?"
"Where would be the fun in that?" he whines.
I carefully try to disentangle myself from his sinuous limbs. "Life isn't always fun, hon."
A bolt of lightning shoots out of nowhere into Discords body. I throw up a soundproofing spell in the nick of time. He's gotta tone down the visual puns. "Not always fun?" And you can tell that he knows how big a ham he's being. "Princess, I'm shocked! That's like saying chocolate rain is disgusting or Super Trampoline is a good author!
"Super Trampoline?" I ask, perplexed at the non sequitur. "Who's that?"
"Never mind. Your feeble pony mind wouldn't understand. The point is, I could go back to sleep, but I don't want to. I'm bored. I want to go do something. Go adventuring with me Cadance." As if to illustrate his boredom, he's hunched over my armoire playing cards with his reflection. Good. Maybe he'll go away.
I yawn again. "Sure, sure, but can't adventuring wait until morning?"
He looks miffed that I would suggest such a deplorable concept. "And waste this prime night time? Don't you know that every second is precious? Haven't you listened to that one song from Rent? sure, I existed sort of before time, and nopony actually knows how old you--"
"122," I interrupt.
"Huh?"
"I'm 122 years old."
"Oh wow, okay. Real cradle robber."
I scoff, a bit hurt. "Excuse me, hypocrite? Says the 'immortal' draconequus married to a mare in her twenties?"
That got to him. "Oh, right, well, age is just a number," he stumbles, and I'm satisfied. Shining Armor's far more mature than he'll ever be, but I keep that thought to myself. "Anyway," he continues, "the point is, why wait until morning to discover stuff tonight?"
"Because if now-Cadance doesn't get sleep now, future-Cadance will be a groggy mess-Cadance in 5 hours when she's trying to run a government."
"Can't you just cast an 'anti-grogginess' spell on yourself? You ponies are so insufferably unresourceful."
You know, I really hate arguing with annoying people at four in the morning. Why couldn't he have bothered Luna instead? "Discord," I say, slowly, "health spells like that can turn bad when you rely on them too much. I'm sure you remember what happened to Tutti Fruiti."
"Oh, poor Fruity!" Discord soliloquizes, "Robbed of life before his time!" I wait for him to bury my alarm clock or something, but he doesn't. "Right right, fair enough. well, I guess I'll go suffer the twisting torment of agonizing ennui by myself. So much for friendship." He snaps his fingers and disappears.
"Discord," I neigh after him, "that's not fair!" But he's already gone.
Oh well. I turn over, prepared to finally fall into slumber--only to see him back in my bed, facing me, eyes half lidded.
"Eek," I squeak. But I swear it was a dignified squeak.
"Miss me, baby?" he asks, under the illusion that he's actually suave.
"Oh, I just couldn't stand losing you, my love," I tease. If he thinks flirting is going to ruffle my feathers, he's sorely mistaken.
"Truly, I'm flattered. You were going to say something else, dear?"
"Yeah. Look, I'm super busy right now--Crystal Guard inspects are in half a week. But I think I've got some time I can clear on Tuesday. And it would be good for me to get out of the castle. Want to go on an old fashioned adventure?"
"Would I!?" he replies, literally puffing up. "Where to?"
"Surprise me," I suggest.
"Oh, it would be my honor to surprise you, Princess. Who needs sleep? I've got--gag--planning to do."
I smirk. "Good night, Discord."
"Goodnight, Cadance," he says, peacefully.
...
"Hey, Discord?"
"Yes, my lady?"
"You have your own bed. Please get out of mine."
"Spoilsport," he mutters, teleporting away.
I smile, at last able to resume sleep. But, you know, for a being who's chaos incarnate, he's really not half as completely insufferable as he could be. Good enough for me. I settle my head down on my pillow.
Onto a whoopie cushion.
Never change, Discord, never change.
