Chapters The Swift Spear of Street Justice
The weedy little pegasus kid next to me was still shaking... But I could hardly blame him.
Our packets had included luxurious economy tickets to Appleoosa. We'd boarded a train a few hours ago. He'd barely said two words to me in all that time.
Finally I broke the ice, "You know, I'm sure she's not that crazy... I mean she has to pay taxes."
"Do we even want to know what happened to the last recovery agents...?" He whimpered.
I rolled my eyes. "Kid, seriously, if you're this jumpy with middle management, why the heck did you decide to become a bounty hunter ?"
He sighed. "There aren't a lot of jobs out there for you when 'OCD kid expelled from guard training' is on your resume."
Well that was quite a bit of sharing. I raised an eyebrow. "You... Don't strike me as OCD."
He looked down. "That's because you don't know my trigger."
I bit my lip. This was getting pretty heavy and I was going to have to work with this kid. I tried a gentler approach. "If it makes you feel any better, there aren't a lot of jobs out there for 18 hand tall battle scarred trans ponies with bad work records either."
He tilted his head. "Is that why the police fired you? For being trans?" To his credit he sounded a little angry.
I chuckled. "Hay no, I got fired for being trans and disorganized ."
He blinked. "Huh?"
I shrugged. "The department was all gung ho about me transitioning, if anything they were happy for the PR boost and the folks on the ground didn't care so long as I stayed scary, but... Do you know what happens when you miss a hormone dose?"
He shook his head. "Not really, no."
I looked down. "Contrary to the name, sex hormones aren't just for sex, you need them for basic brain function. I had an orchi a while back so I don't produce any testosterone of my own, thank Celestia, but that means that if I go off estrogen I'm pretty useless. I missed a couple of doses in the rush to work and..." I gestured to our surroundings. "It's kind of hard for anyone to want to keep you on when you're having hot flashes and keep falling asleep at your desk."
He put a hoof on my shoulder, it was adorable. "That's horrible! How could they do something like that!"
I groaned. "Kid, I'm not looking for sympathy. If anything I should have been kicked out sooner. If I couldn't keep myself organized enough to stay on meds consistently then I had the potential to be a danger in the field... And if another officer got shot on my watch I don't know if I'd be able to live with myself."
He clearly had no idea what to say to that. He put his hoof down and looked away. Yeah, this relationship was going to be nothing but smiles.
It was time for a change of subject. I held up the packet from crazy cat lady. "Why don't we go over this target?"
He nodded. I spread out the paperwork on the table (apparently what 'luxury' passed for on trains these days). It was some tax evader who was trying to skip town.
His criminal record consisted of speeding tickets and one old charge of attempted bribery. Apparently Golden had heard a rumor he was hiding out in Appleoosa so off we went.
Spear nodded. "Looks like a pretty easy capture."
I moaned. "Kid, no one is an easy capture. For all we know he's hired muscle or bought weapons." I turned to him. "Speaking of which we should talk about field load out. What are you packing?"
He pointed to his long duffel. "I'm a Quarter Staff wielder."
I blinked. "Seriously?"
He crossed his forelegs. "Hey, I couldn't bring a spear so I went for a less-lethal option, plus I know a trick or two to make it effective. I also brought hoofcuffs and zipties if we need to physically restrain someone. What are you packing Dirty Hoofy?"
I looked down at my flank and smiled at the massive explosion. He blanched.
"It's not as crazy as it looks. Have you ever heard of a personal firearm?"
His eyes went wide. "They were talking about using them in basic, but I thought the tech was still too young to be safe."
I leaned back. "That's because they didn't have my brains or my magic hooves." I tapped my duffel. "To answer your question, I'm packing a bean bag firing Street Special Hand Cannon, patent pending."
He raised an eyebrow. "You... You figured out gun miniaturization? Why the hay aren't you filthy stinking rich?"
I'd met a Filthy "stinking" Rich at one point and I considered a snarky reply, but... I figured the subject matter was serious enough I should hold back.
I eyed the rookie. "What do you think would happen if I started selling these? You think the guard would stick to bean bags?"
He opened his mouth, ready to explain, but... Then it hit him. He bit his lip.
I nodded. "That's what I thought. I know they'll sort out the details of gun miniaturization eventually, but I don't want the pile of bodies on my conscience when they do." I shrugged. "The only reason I patented my design was so no one else could make it legally."
He nodded... "That makes... Some sense. But ponies will get around that eventually. Why not just not make the thing at all, or hide it?"
I sighed. This was going to be a long, long trip. "Look... I wasn't always the most perfectly adjusted pony, nor the brightest. I guess I was just proud of what I made and wanted to show it off. Of course it was only after I'd shown it around a bit and heard what others were planning that I realized how deep in the shit I'd gotten and decided to backpedal."
He winced. "Ouch... Geez I'm-"
I cut him off. "Like I said, I'm not looking for sympathy, just answering questions."
There was an extended moment of silence. We just sort of stared at the floor.
Finally I sighed. "Do you think this train serves alcohol?"
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
Street had not managed to find a beer on the train. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad about that.
A four hour train ride will wreak havoc on you. I even had to use the bathroom on the train ... It was okay though I kept handy disinfecting wipes around just for such eventualities.
I knew on some level carrying those around was surrendering to my anxieties. I also knew that the fact that there was still a tiny niggling part of my brain that was attempting to trace all of the particles of fecal matter (that had inevitably spread over my hooves no matter how much I washed or disinfected them) was not in fact a healthy part of my brain and I had not deeply violated that old mare when she brushed past my hoof carrying on her suitcase.
I sighed. I needed to learn that we lived in a society where there was an accepted amount of poo you could spread around and I was well below the limit.
"Far, far below it..." I mumbled.
Street tilted her head. "Did... You say something?"
I blinked. "W-what? No! I'm just... Adjusting to our surroundings." I made a show of looking about. Honestly I probably should have done that sooner.
The station was far from bustling, but that was no surprise. Appleoosa was a barrens town. Earth ponies settled in places like this pretty often. Their breed of subtle magic was ideal for reinvigorating the landscape. They were brave and capable, but they could also be a little insular. I eyed the bow wearing ex-cop warily.
I gulped. "Say, Street... Maybe you should let me do the talking here."
Street raised an eyebrow and hauled out her duffel. "Really..?"
I winced. Oh boy... Time for a delicate conversation. "Look, I'm not saying you're not more experienced in the field, and I respect that. It's just that we're pretty deep in the sticks and-"
"BRAE!" Came a shout from behind me.
A sharp blue blur streaked past as a pale blue pegasus stallion scooped up an earth pony in a massive hug. The earth pony dipped his hat and chuckled. "Well hey there partner, what took ya so long."
The blue stallion rolled his eyes. "The tour got held up three times! I'm sorry sweetie, I really need to find another jo-"
The earth pony grabbed the other stallion and drew him into a long, passionate kiss. Then gave him a nuzzle. "We can talk about it later. I'm just glad you're here."
Absolutely no one batted an eye... Except for one mare who looked like she was in some sort of kawaii fuge state.
I was genuinely shocked. "I... Uh..."
Street gave my shoulder a pat. "Kid, you've got a lot to learn. Starting with the fact that it ain't the eighties." She made her way down the platform. "C'mon. We're burning daylight."
After the rookie had repeatedly apologized for being a bigoted a-hole against the townsfolk (to me for some reason) we'd made our way to Appleoosa's only (but not too shabby) inn.
I spread our files out on the bed. He was still twiddling his hooves. "You know we could have gotten separate rooms."
I sighed, "Kid, I promise to keep your virtue preserved. Besides, we aren't exactly rolling in bits. Now can we focus on changing that situation?" I pointed to the picture of our target. "Now, what do we know about this guy?"
He shrugged. "This is the first time he's been on the run I guess? He doesn't really have much in the way of family so he can't lean on them. Honestly he's probably just improvising."
I nodded. "Not a bad start, hey you want anything from room service?"
He blinked. "This place has room service?"
I picked up the little cardboard menu on the side table. "You mostly just shout down that tube in the hall and they'll bring you something. It's all pretty basic, but... Oh hey, french toast! You want some french toast?"
He looked at me like I'd just grown a second head. "Uh... No thanks."
I shrugged. "More for me then I guess." I went out, place the order and walked back in. "So anywho what else?"
The pegasus blinked. "Uhh... He hasn't had taken any money out of the bank and he left in a hurry so... He's probably short on funds."
I nodded. "Keep going rookie, you're getting there."
He raised an eyebrow. "Wait, do you know something? Is this a test?"
I shrugged. "I might have an idea, but I genuinely want to hear your thoughts."
He narrowed his eyes. "Okay... No money and no family means he'd want a job. Definitely not in finance because folks in that industry could watch for him."
I nodded. "Go on."
He put a hoof to his chin. "He'd want something simple, but not agriculture, he'd probably think he was above that. Preferably it would be a job with a couple luxuries, maybe even a room."
I smiled. "Now you're talking. Keep that stick of yours handy eh?"
He grabbed his staff, a sturdy looking thing with a steel grip in the center and copper on the ends. The action was rote, the kind of thing the military drilled into you. Only after he had it gripped in a fighting stance did he blink. "Wait, what? Why do I need my staff?"
There was a knock at the door and the delicious wafting scent of french toast filled the air. "Room service!"
I opened the door. Our target walked in with two plates of french toast and a big pitcher of orange juice.
I thanked him, then cuffed him.
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
"I can't believe you didn't tell me he was coming." I said, dragging our captive along. The heavy iron cuffs had effectively hobbled him, so it was slow going, but at least he hadn't made a fuss.
Street chuckled. "It was a test kid. A test you passed by the way."
"Uggggh!" I ground to a halt and turned on her. "You know when it's okay to give people tests? When there isn't a dangerous fugitive knocking on our door!"
She rolled her eyes and pointed at the weedy, silent stallion. "Yeah, this guy's just terrifying isn't he?"
I clenched my teeth. "Anyone can be dangerous! You want to know where I heard that? From you! Five freaking hours ago!"
She stopped. "Look kid, I've been making arrests for over a decade. I know what I'm doing, and if I give you a test it's because I'm trying to keep you alive."
I threw up my hooves. "So I'm what? Dead weight?"
She narrowed her eyes, "You're a rookie kid, and if you weren't so green you'd be grateful that-"
Our prisoner coughed.
We turned on him. "WHAT!?"
He smiled uneasily and shuffled his hooves. "Look, I understand that office tension happens everywhere, but I really don't think you should be fighting like this. I worked in banking for years and I have to say if the tellers can't get along with the mortgage consultants the whole thing goes pear shaped." He let out a breath. "Learning from experience is important, but what's just as important is not underestimating people or overestimating yourself." He smiled. "Case in point, now!"
There was a meaty smack as a hoof rammed into Street's face. I sensed the second stallion just before his hoof reached my skull.
So I grabbed his sorry ass and threw him.
He whipped over my shoulder and slammed into the ground. My staff was in my hooves in the blink of an eye and my situational awareness kicked in. There were two assailants, an earth pony and a unicorn. I'd smacked the unicorn down pretty hard, but his horn was flaring...
I didn't know what he was casting. I didn't care. I whipped my staff down on him and gave him a solid, whack on the head.
And then I used my secret weapon.
A staff needs to be sturdy, any sort of blunt weapon does. Fortunately, the wood I'd chosen was solid iron wood, and one little hole through the center wasn't going to change that. I charged up the cloud running through it and gave him more than a few volts.
I'd done this before. It wasn't going to kill him, but it wasn't an anaesthetic either. All I was doing was pumping enough juice into him to keep him down for a few minutes.
In combat, that was eternity.
The Earth Pony closed on me. I swung my staff at his chest, but he'd seen my moves and he was ready, parrying my blow with his hoof. I tried to zap him, but he'd hit the wood, not the metal. He saw the opening in my stance and took full advantage, driving me back.
I dodged. Earth ponies were made of nothing but muscle. If he landed a blow... well, I just wouldn't let him.
He swung again and I took to the air, flipping over his back. He blinked at air while I slammed my staff down on his head and let loose with the fury of a storm.
His legs buckled, and he fell down moaning.
I guess I'd calibrated that just about right.
Our attackers lay on the ground. I'd burnt a lot of energy in a short amount of time, I was breathing pretty heavily... but I knew I still had a job to do. I stood as tall as I could I made my staff spark visibly. "You are under citizen's arrest. Don't move."
And that's when that damn banker's irons hit me.
I crumpled to the ground, blood rolling down my forehead. The tax evader chuckled, picking up a rock. "Nice light show kid, but you should never undere-"
There was a very, very loud bang as a shot rang out and a high velocity bean bag nailed him right in the gut.
He tumbled down.
I blinked.
From down on the ground with the rest of us, Street Justice smiled a bloody smile.
"N-not bad rookie."
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
The secret base of miss-fit toys
I really, really didn't want to come back here...
I stared out the window... There it was. Canterlot. The Equestrian capital, home to a thousand years of history and the privileged few that served the royal guard.
I'd studied hard to join the academy and trained harder they didn't accept just anyone. They wanted brains and skill and courage! I'd shown all of that and more and gotten in with a commendation on my record...
And then I just broke down because of something stupid and I lost everything I'd worked so hard for.
Why did I steal that disinfectant?
"Kid, are you okay?" Street asked, putting a hoof on my shoulder.
I jerked back, shivering. "P-please don't do that! I'm not clean..."
She held up her hooves. "Alright... Okay... Question... Is this an attack?"
My heart rate was up... Everyone around me seemed like a threat... Or more accurately I was a threat to them with my filthy, disgusting body...
The rational part of me nodded.
Street got up and called for the conductor. "Oy! We need to make an emergency seat upgrade, are any of the sleeper cars available?"
The conductor blinked at her and they started some kind of animated conversation. I couldn't follow it because I was distracted. Some mare had draped her red mane over the seat in front of me and I was desperately pressing myself back into the seat so I didn't contaminate her.
You couldn't contaminate people without their permission.
"Kid!" Street yelled. She gestured for me to follow her into the aisle.
I got up, clamping my wings to my sides so I wouldn't brush anyone. The aisle was small, why was it so small? Oh that wasn't fair. There were definitely a pile of ponies that needed to get into the city and it's not like they could widen the train tracks...
Justice opened the door to a much more open car and pushed me inside. The conductor pointed to a little room with bunk beds and shepherded us inside. Street muttered some words of thanks and then locked the door behind us.
Justice let out a breath. "So... Should I stay or go?"
"P-please don't go!" I mumbled. "I mean, no... Maybe you should, I don't want to be a burden. That's all I ever am and I-"
She held up her hooves. "Easy there kid..." She curled up on one of the beds. "Why don't you hop on the cot over there and get some rest?"
I looked out the window and shakily eyed the city outside. "Wha- what about the job?"
Justice shrugged. "The train loops around every couple of hours. Don't worry kid, the world will still be a..." She shook her head. "Just, trust me... Work can wait."
As I sat there, watching Swift toss and turn in his bed I took a moment to wonder just what the buck I was doing.
My partner was a wreck. Tartarus, I was a wreck. What in the hay were we doing running into cities and tracking down criminals?
You know, not for the first time, I wondered if I should check myself into a nut house. Not to brag, but I think I would be the perfect mental patient. I didn't have expensive taste, I could follow orders... I may not have been able to keep track of my pills, but I was great at swallowing them by the gallon. There would be nothing to do but sort out my shit and catch up on some reading...
I knew it was a stupid fantasy. It was like hoping for the apocalypse so you could just take stuff off of store shelves, a minor benefit caused by something horrendously destructive.
It would be nice though... To have the time, and people to help me. The kid needed it too. It was so obvious it was painful.
But the world didn't work that way. You worked, you made money and then you spent that money on the help you needed... If you couldn't pay, well...
I eyed the towns we passed as we looped our way through Equestria's Cities. Celestia I envied them, those ponies that could just find a place in the world to fit into with a wave of their hoof... Only a few knew what it was like to be trash.
Yeah, I know, everyone tells me not to talk about myself that way, but it was pretty obvious. I was an ugly, violent, grim mare with no skills that would make herself valuable to society. And once people around you realized you were an adult that needed care and polish to be worth anything... Well, there were other things for them to spend their time on.
I couldn't really blame them. It made sense in a cold, calculating way. Why gamble on someone who might be valuable, but would probably end up a disposable pawn? Who would want someone like that?
Well... Except for Bounty.
I shuddered, rolling over on my cot. I legitimately had no idea what to make of that mare. Was she crazy or throwing up a facade? Come to think of it, was she in exactly the same boat as me and Swift? Maybe she was the cast off of a rich family who managed to wheedle a crappy job managing a bail bonds office and kept losing employees and hemorrhaging money because she didn't have good social skills.
Or... She was taking advantage of our misfortune.
I rolled over in the cot. Ugh! This whole situation was insane. I missed having friends... Having a home...
Home...
I peered out the window as the city's lights drew closer. Well... We were going to Canterlot, and I did have a key...
I had never expected that Street owned a building of any kind, much less a Canterlot warehouse.
Granted, it looked like it was a swift kick to a support beam from collapsing, and the lamps were in such bad shape I was astonished they worked, but it was a warehouse none the less.
She lead me through the rusted door and into the largely empty space beyond. There were a few boxes of... Something... Lying around, but mostly all I saw was a few desks with weird chemistry equipment and some kind of an office in the...
Wait... Weird chemistry equipment? I slammed my hoof over my muzzle and started backing for the door. "Street! Get out! This place is a meth lab!"
Street turned to me and raised an eyebrow. "What? Meth? Oh you mean the alchemy stuff." Street poked a beaker with a smirk. "Don't worry about it, a friend mine who co-owns this place used it at a lab before he got a real one. Don't worry though. He made plenty of messes, but he dang well knew how to clean them up."
I warily lowered my hoof. I'll admit I hadn't smelled anything... But the fact that this stuff was still here just raised further questions. "Wait... How the heck could your friend leave a bunch of chemistry stuff lying around in an unguarded warehouse and not have it get stolen by meth-heads?"
Street Chuckled, leaning back against one of the sturdier desks. "Where do you think we are, Neigh Jersey?"
I winced.
Street continued. "Canterlot's a bit too high class for meth to be a profitable commodity. And we're right up a mountain so it's not like things would be easy to transport out of he-"
There was a tinkling of glass breaking. An old, haggard stallion was standing right behind us.
Oh buck! We drew our weapons instantly. "DON'T MOVE!"
The Stallion froze, holding up his hooves held up in fear. "S-sssorry!"
"Keep those hooves where I can see them!" Street snarled. She went over to him and hoofcuffed him. He offered no resistance.
I approached him warily with my staff at the ready. Now that I had a better look at him calling him haggard was generous. He had deep bags under his ruddy brown eyes and a scraggly beard that went down to his knees. He had a worn down heavy coat wrapped around a frighteningly thin frame.
He was a unicorn, but I didn't think we had any need to worry about his spell casting prowess. His horn looked painfully cracked.
I narrowed my eyes and shoved my staff in his face. "Who are you? What are you doing on private property?"
The unicorn stuttered. "I- I just came here to keep the rain off. I'm sorry, I'll leave ye'! Please I don't want any trou-"
To my great surprise his eyes fluttered shut and he passed out. Street barely managed to catch him before his head hit the concrete.
I twitched, uncertain if it was a play of some kind... But, apparently being gripped by a giant muscle-mare was enough to wake him because he snapped right back with back with a sputter. "Oh... Oh dear... How Long was I out?"
Street blinked. "Uh... Like three seconds?"
The unicorn let out a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's good then. Wait... why do ye' smell like a mare?"
Street let him go and brought her gun back up. "That's because I am a mare. Any more questions?"
The stallion blushed. "Oh! Sorry 'bout that Ma'am. Anyway, I don't want to be any trouble, so I'll just-"
"Who sent you?" I asked, pointedly.
He stopped. "Eh... What?"
You may think I was being overly cruel, but something about him didn't add up. I let a few sparks crackle on my staff. "Don't play dumb. Your costume's good, but you're no wandering bum. You smell as fresh as daisies."
He paled. "Alright! Ye caught me... I may have snuck in to use this place's shower a few times... But I swear on Celestia! I don't mean no harm..."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, like we're going to buy-"
Street snagged the hanging ends of his scraggly mane and sniffed at it.
I stared at her.
After a moment she dropped the locks."Runey's discontinued butternut-squash shampoo... Sorry kid, it was a good catch, but his story checks out."
I paled. "This place has a shower?"
Street nodded. "The shipping office is half way livable, it's sort of why I brought us here."
I winced. Oh...
Street looked over the exhaused, broken stallion and lowered her gun. "You really shouldn't break into private buildings."
He looked down. "Quite sorry about that ma'am. I... I didn't have anywhere else to go."
I lowered my weapon. This... This was getting uncomfortable. "Wait, why haven't you gone to a shelter? Do you have any family?"
He chuckled ruefully. "When you keep falling asleep on your hooves shelters don't know what to do with ye'. The same goes for jobs. As for family, well..." He shrugged. "I used to think of the guard as my family, but I got m'self a bit too sloshed at one point and..." He gestured to his cracked horn.
I felt a pit forming in my gut.
He held up a hoof. "I ain't lookin' for sympathy sonny. It was me' own blasted fault. Funny thing, the magic works just fine, but I tend to conk out when things get all intense."
Street and I exchanged a look. Note to self: Cracked horns are still functional.
He cleared his throat. "Anyway, ye' folks have got better things to do than listen to an old stallion ramble. Would ye' be so kind as to let me take my leave?" He gestured to the cuffs.
Street winced, unlocking his hooves, giving him an apologetic look. He pantomimed tipping a hat and said. "Thank ye' kindly Ma'am I'll be off."
That said, the old stallion started limping away.
I know he'd just broken into a building, but... Staring at that gaunt, scraggly old man limp his way out of the safest place he'd found... It didn't feel great.
Street was having similar thoughts. She held up a hoof. "Wait... Do you have a name sir?"
The Stallion blinked, pausing to glance back over his shoulder. "Uh... The call me 'Sweeper' Ma'am."
Street nodded. "Right... Sweeper... Would you like a job?"
I raised an eyebrow. What?
Street reached into her vest and pulled out a fairly substantial pile of bits. "Listen, you've been here for a bit, and you clearly found a way past the door. We're a couple of professional bounty hunters looking to set up base camp and we'll need maintenance and security. I'd be willing to give you a hundred bit sign on-bonus and charge you just one bit a month in rent if you agree to stick around and fix this place up to the best of your ability."
Sweeper stared at her. "Beggin' your pardon Ma'am, but ye' could do a lot better than an old wreck like me."
Street snorted. "Please, you know the layout, and you probably know all the little cracks in this place's defenses. I'd be a fool to not want you around."
The Stallion Gulped, eyeing the stack of money uncertainly...
Finally he took the bits. "Thank you Ma'am. I can't promise I won't let you down; I've let down too many ponies to say that... But I'll try."
Street smirked. "That's all I'm asking."
The Stallion gave my partner a salute and started to turn around...
It was a perfect guard salute.
"Wait!" I called out.
Sweeper paused.
I grabbed a fist full of bits from my bag. "You'll need money to get cleaning supplies... Try the thrift store on third, they have tons of stuff that can help you make this place liveable. Pick some new clothes up while your at it. Can't have our employees working in rags right?"
The Stallion eyed me... Then took the bits with a smile. "Of course sir! I'll make sure to get some tarps and paint and the like."
That said, he trotted out the door with a look of purpose in his eyes.
I turned to Street. "We did a good thing today."
She nodded "Yep."
"He's going to spend that all on booze and forget we ever existed isn't he?"
Street shrugged. "Probably. Now help me clear off a desk. We've got a diamond smuggler to track."
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
I leaned over my desk, hooves clasped together. "Tell me, what do you mean by 'captured'."
Silent Seeker winced, shrinking into the mahogany depths of my office. "I'm sorry Director, the asset was pursued by Bounty Hunters, they located him and captured him."
I narrowed my eyes. "Then send in the retrieval team."
My agent gulped. "They... The bounty hunters captured the retrieval team sir."
I stared at her. "Bounty hunters captured the retrieval team? Bounty hunters ? What, was this some sort of massive crime profiteering army?"
She shook her head. "It was just the firm that held his bond sir, but they hired some serious muscle. Detective Street Justice, formally of the Fillydelphia PD and a former Royal Guard candidate named Swift Spear. Both of them appeared to have access to non conventional weaponry, which makes sense as both of their files indicate personal interests in engineering."
I nodded. My troops still should have been able to handle a pair of hobbyist tinkerers, but imagining my men being assaulted by a pair of mad scientists with military backgrounds was at least a bit more palatable. "I assume the recovery team has kept silent?"
Silent nodded. "They've followed all operational guidelines so far. We may be able to bail them out, but it's going to be complicated... And pricey."
I looked at the balance sheet in front of me. Our little operation was quite lucrative... But we were nowhere near our income quota.
Still, leaders that did not look after their men lost them. Those troops sitting in the jailhouse may have been incompetent, but I couldn't afford to have anyone questioning their loyalties right now. The less Internal Affairs knew the better. The less my underlings knew the better.
I let out a breath and gave Silent a nod. "Make sure our men are extracted. We still have our other projects progressing well correct?"
Silent nodded. "Yes sir, we'll be able to fill the budget gap with significant room to spare."
I allowed myself a small smile. "Good. Please tell our men to be wary of any more interference, from bounty hunters or otherwise. Is that all?"
She shook her head. "Alpha Prime wanted to see you. She's looking for an update."
"Very well then, you may leave me Silent."
She bowed and left the room. I made sure to lock the door behind me and keyed the runes on the floor.
A whirl of magic filled the room and there was a loud crackle and the smell of ozone as raw power filled the air.
From that power emerged a figure. I made sure to give it a smile.
"What can I do for you Princess?"
I grabbed a hold of Swift Spear and kissed him hard.
He, of course, froze in shock. I leaned over to his ear and whispered. "Don't move. We're being tailed."
He let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank Celestia..."
I chose to ignore that. Canterlot, being a cosmopolitan place, didn't so much as flinch at our little public display of affection, but they gave us a wide berth. Unfortunately I knew that the ponies watching us would be more professional.
They were good, whoever they were. In fact I'm pretty sure they knew I made them. I became certain only when the lovely couple decided on what they wanted from the coffee cart and fled out of sight. Worse still, they were a pair of unicorns, and I'd noticed that the flicker in their horns had a little more to it than telekinesis.
Listening spells, of course. I'd spent long enough on the beat to know what surveillance magic looked like.
Honestly after the last throw down I was hoping we were dealing with stupid, if well trained thugs. But these two had cloak and dagger written all over them. Were the Dark Kitten Catchers watching us? Or had our mark gotten her hand on some assets to hire her own muscle?
"What do we do?" Swift whispered, as I pushed him against the wall with a (obviously faked) coquettish look in my eye.
"We play it cool." I said, kissing him again. Thank Luna he'd brushed his teeth. "Then we get a sleazy hotel room, shake them, and go dumpster diving."
He raised an eyebrow. "Dumpster diving?"
I nuzzled at his ear, hiding my next words. "We're dealing with some serious magic this time. I think some countermeasures are in order..."
A scurry down a seedy hotel's fire escape later, we found ourselves back at the warehouse.
When we opened the door to said wreck, we found an old unicorn asleep on a pile of bags from stable depot.
I gave him a gentle shake. "Sweeper?"
He cracked an eye open. "Swift Spear?" He blanched. "Oh no!" He stood bolt upright. "I'm behind schedule! I'm sorry sir, I started cleaning, but then I needed supplies from the hardware store and..." He gulped. "Please don't fire me. I swear it won't happen again."
"Sweeper we..." I thought about it for a moment. What could I possibly say that wouldn't sound insulting?
Fortunately I was saved by a massive crash of supplies. "Found 'em!" Street called. She rushed over with a packet of... Something and a stupid grin on her face.
She was also trailing an entire shelf's worth of... Well it was either garbage or impossibly valuable alchemical supplies, in this mess it was hard to tell.
I winced. "Street don't you think leaving all that stuff lying around is a bad idea?"
She blinked at me, confused. "Huh? Oh, sure. Sweeper could you put that stuff on a shelf?"
Sweeper gave her a salute and made for the pile. Oh no she wasn't...
"Sweeper stop!" I barked.
The old pony froze. Street looked lost. "What?"
I looked the detective right in the eye. "We may have hired somepony to do maintenance, but that doesn't mean you get to throw chemicals containing Celestia knows what all over the floor and then pass your mess off like a five year old. It's unsafe and it's not fair to Sweeper."
She stared at me. She was trying to keep up her usual grimace, but I knew guilt when I saw it... But there was something else in her eyes too. Something I didn't understand.
Why would making a mess scare her?
She shook herself. "When you're right, you're right kid. Sorry Sweeps. If you're serious about fixing the place up just clean around that for a bit okay? It's just a pile of old pharmaceuticals, so don't worry about explosions (all the real dangerous stuff is labeled. I'll pick it up in a bit okay?"
Sweeper saluted. "Yes Ma'am!" That said he started gathering up his shopping bags and busied himself checking the walls.
That done, Street let out a breath and held out her prize. "We're fighting magic this time kid, and not the good old fashioned lasers to the face kind. If we ever want to shower in privacy again, we'll need counter measures."
She held out a package containing some frighteningly large looking pills. "My friend Runey and I worked on these back in the day. They're an alchemical formula designed to add a little background static to a pony's natural magic. It ain't a military stealth tech, but it'll mess with any hexes they feel like laying down."
I picked up the package, raising an eyebrow. "Wait, so we just swallow a pill and we're resistant to enchantments?"
Street looked away, blushing. "Basically... It's just, uh... A slightly different administration method."
I tilted my head, completely lost. "Huh?"
She winced. "Yeah, there's kind of a reason we never managed to market these. You're going to want to go to the bathroom to take this. Don't worry, It's really not as bad as it sounds..."
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
Today was proving to be one of the most uncomfortable days of my life...
I was currently crammed in a dumpster praying lit cigars weren't going to be tossed at me so I could electrocute a gem smuggler. This of course put me in a sitting position and the absolute last thing wanted to do was sit .
Making matters worse Street Justice was stuffed in right next to me.
Don't get me wrong, she was growing on me (like mold, but still) after having her kiss me and being close enough to smell her over the garbage, I was coming to a revelation.
Street Justice was a mare.
Okay, yes , I learned that about two minutes after meeting her, but... It was hard to grock okay? When a 400lb mountain of muscle with a gruff voice and world weary attitude shows up you don't tend to think of them as female.
Still, you could see it, if you really looked. She had just the slightest curves to her muscle and the camoflage bow she wore seemed like a subtle nod to femininity.
A whole pile of things were falling into place. Being a girl and looking like that probably sucked. How much of the world weary misery was based on her years as a cop and how much of it was because she was trapped in a body she hated? I didn't know much about dysphoria, but it sounded even worse than my OCD.
All the misery, all the sarcasm... And beneath that exterior she was just a delicate flower.
A flower I was always laying my problems on.
I grit my teeth. Well not anymore! I knew what it was like to have personal problems and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to be more supportive! I had to start treating her like a mare, do some things that she would like.
What did mares like again?
"HIYA!"
My thoughts were cut off as Street leaped out of the dumpster and tackled our target, slamming the mare into a nearby wall with the force of a wrecking ball and hoof cuffing her with practiced precision. "Tranquil Cove! You are under arrest for violation of the conditions of your bail."
The mare stared at her, terrified. "W-what? You can't do this."
Street narrowed her eyes. "If you didn't want bounty hunters coming after you, then maybe you should have paid your own bail. Now, you're coming with us." She got right up in Tranquil's face. "And while I'd rather you walked under your own power, I will not hesitate to break your legs if you try to start something, capische?"
The deeply traumatized mare shuddered... And nodded.
Street snorted, letting her down. "Good, now if a certain lazy ass partner will get his butt out of the junk heap, we'll get going."
I blinked, still in a bit of shock. "Oh! Right! Sorry..."
I got out of the dumpster and finished up Tranquil's restraints. Then we started the long walk to the station, Street glaring at the mare without a hint of mercy.
Perhaps 'delicate flower' wasn't the right phrase...
#
"Sooo... how many bits would I have to pay you to let me go?"
I sighed. If all our targets were going to act like this I was seriously considering investing in some gags.
We were carrying our capture down the streets of Canterlot. Completely openly of course, we had nothing to hide. We weren't even getting that many looks. I had a leash on her so I assumed the ponies around us thought we were just an incredibly kinky couple and kept their distance.
The only pony eyeing me was Swift... In fact, he was eyeing me a lot for some reason.
"You know," I said, not bothering to look back at him. "Typically when one has captured a dangerous criminal they tend to watch the criminal , not their partner's plot."
Swift turned crimson. "Uh... I'm sorry, I wasn't. It's just you really look like a mare you know?"
My horseshoes screeched with how fast I stopped. I'm not sure what kind of face I gave him, but it was enough to make him gulp. Even Tranquil Cove was shaking her head, her hoofcuffs jangling as she did so.
He held up his hooves. "I just meant to not take what Sweeper said too seriously you know? You do look like a girl, I mean it's subtle, but the hormones definitely did something."
Tranquil groaned. "She doesn't 'look like a mare' she is a mare! Trans people are born with the bodies of stallions and the minds of mares, and I mean that on a physical, biochemical level. Are you really that ignorant?"
I raised an eyebrow at the bound mare. "Thank you for the lecture, but I can defend myself." Whatever she was playing at I wasn't having any of it.
Swift looked lost. "I'm not attacking you! Street, I was just trying to make you feel better..."
My expression softened. The sad part was that he was probably telling the truth. "Look, the term you're looking for is passing . When a trans mare is indistinguishable from a cis mare they are considered passing . However..." I shook my head. "Hormones may have made me look a little more feminine, but I don't pass. I know it, everyone else knows it. And that's not going to change becaus it's down to my bone structure okay?"
I let out a sigh. It wasn't really something I liked spelling out. "Now can we please stop triggering my gender dysphoria and talk about anything else?"
"Personally I think you look great, passing or not." Tranquil noted.
"Thank you," I said. "I'm still not letting you go."
"Aw..."
A new voice came from around the corner. "Halt!:
I turned to see a pair of royal guards walking towards us. I produced my ID and the warrant immediately. "Bail bond recovery agent Street Justice at your service. This is my associate Swift Spear. As you can see this mare has an outstanding warrant. We were just transporting her to the nearest guard station."
The guards, a pair of white unicorn mares in the traditional armor, looked over the paperwork.
I kept my grip tightly on the leash. Something felt... Off.
Finally the guards nodded. One turned to me. "Understood. Excellent work Mr. Street Justice."
"It's Miss, actually." I corrected.
She held up her hooves. "We're just going off of the license Ma'am, no offense intended. In any case, we'll happily take the prisoner into custody."
I nodded. "Great, let's walk her down to the station then."
To my surprise, one of the guards flinched.
Alarm bells went off. Take it easy Street, maybe they're just transphobic cops that don't like bounty hunters... Oh please let them just be looking for personal credit or something.
"There's no need to trouble yourself ma'am." One of the guards said. "We can take it from here."
I narrowed my eyes. "That isn't standard procedure." I got between them and the prisoner. "You know I didn't actually see your badges..."
The guard on the left narrowed their eyes. The one on the right was more smooth. "Ma'am if anything your identity is more in question. In fact, why don't I take-."
"Oh screw this!" The mare on the right's horn flared and I was surrounded by a malevolent purple aura. Powerful magic poured into me and my eyes went wide with shock.
And... Then the magic faded and I stifled a yawn, but that was about it.
Now the 'guards' were the ones looking scared. "You were supposed to fall unconscious!" The one on the left sputtered.
"Suppositories." I replied.
They blinked. "What does-?"
They didn't finish, mostly because I leaped over to them and slammed their horns together, resulting in hairline fractures and screams of agony.
Unicorns... When fighting them every second counted.
I thew the leash to Swift Spear. "Here, hold this." That said, I swept the first mare off her hooves and pepper sprayed the second.
Oleoresin Capsicum, or pepper spray, is a somewhat risky weapon. Though it will blind and disorient ponies and causes rather extreme pain, it affects ponies differently, ranging from completely incapacitating them to just rendering their vision impaired... And then there were the allergic reaction cases, but I prayed to never cause one of those.
Never the less, the weapon was far less lethal than a shock cloud like the one in Swift's staff. And while you could train a pony to put up some kind of resistance after being sprayed... They were still blind and in searing pain, it had saved my butt on patrol let me tell you.
My aim was true, and the already debilitated unicorn stumbled to the ground, coughing and squirming in agony.
I took a moment to scream for the actual guard... Unfortunately, the now significantly spicier guard's partner recovered faster than I anticipated. I barely ducked as she sent a guard issue spear straight for my head. She grazed my ear and I felt something rip. I let out a cry of shock and pain.
Fortunately for me, my partner was still on his feet. He sent a bolt through the phony without a moment's hesitation.
"Cuffs now!" I snapped. I was already restraining the first unicorn. Swift was slower, but he managed to restrain his target.
I took a moment to glance at our capture. Sure enough, Swift still had Tranquil's leash wrapped around his forehoof.
I blinked at him, the adrenaline slowly wearing off. Suddenly the slow cuffing seemed more impressive."You did all of that with one hoof? Dang!" I think that spell might have been catching up with me... I felt beat.
Swift Spear smiled. "I may not be good with people, but I'm damn good at my job. Say, is your ear-?"
"DROP YOUR WEAPONS OR WE WILL TAKE YOU BY FORCE!!!"
It was about then that I noticed a large group of unicorn guardsmen teleporting around us in a circle and what appeared to be an entire division of pegasi guards closing us into a dome.
And so there we were! A pair of huge, masculine looking ponies sitting on a trio of handcuffed mares. One of whom we were leading around with a leash... Right in the middle of Equestria's capital city.
I dropped my gear and threw up my hooves. This was going to take some explaining...
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
When pulled into an interrogation room by the authorities there are several rules you should follow. Rule number one is to shut the buck up until your lawyer gets there.
That rule went right out the window when a yellow unicorn walked in.
I stared at her, my pulse pounding. Sunny Day, head of the House Guard, personal guardian of Princess Celestia and one of the most powerful magic wielders on the planet, sat down across from me, floating a file in her magic. She gave me a look that could melt steel. "Street Justice... What the buck were you thinking?"
I choked. This was a mare I'd known since even before she was a guard, a pony that loved to drink, help the elderly, and 'experiment' with anything she could talk into bed.
There was none of that here, not anymore.
She opened up my file with an exasperated flick. "Brawls in the street? Really? I knew you'd fallen, but I never knew just how far."
I gulped. "S-Sunny you have to believe me, I was attacked . It was a busy street, I'm sure there are witnesses."
She narrowed her eyes. "Oh I've interviewed the witnesses, Street. They say you were surrounded by some kind of aura, shook it off instantly and then smashed the horns of two unicorn mares. Have you ever heard of disproportional response?"
"The only reason I shrugged it off was because of Runey's tech Sunny! You know... What's his name, Soylent's friend? It... It was like taking a spear to the mail okay? I got lucky, but I knew I had to act fast."
Sunny rolled her eyes. "His name is Silent." She put her hooves together and eyed me, "This is some serious shit Street, but things will go easier for you if you tell me exactly what you know about those guard impersonators."
I shifted in my chair, as much as the hoof cuffs would let me. Somehow I retained enough presence of mind to ask the most pertinent question. "Would you be interested enough in that information to grant me complete immunity from prosecution?" Technically I'd just been brought in for questioning, but I wasn't taking any chances.
She stared at me. "Really? You know how these things work Street every second we spend delaying here is another second whoever sent those ponies can do more damage. Or are you just being disorganized again?"
I narrowed my eyes. "Making sure I'm still there for my partner at the end of today will take all of two seconds. We both know this room is being recorded. Besides, I-" I gulped. "I really was disorganized Sunny. I know I sucked, but you have to believe I was trying my best."
She glared at me. "It's funny how your best is never good enough. Ponies rely on us to not be chemically unstable on duty Street. They don't teach that at the academy, but that's because it's common sense."
I winced. The dam I used to keep a thousand horrible memories at bay was starting to crack. I bit my lip. "Are you charging me with something or not?"
The unicorn let out a breath. "No... And that's on the record. Now, are you going to tell us what you know, or do you feel like putting more of my friends in danger?"
Friends... I wasn't sure if this mare had ever thought of me as one, but I suppose I knew where I stood now. I sighed. "I'm certain you've already gotten the reports. This isn't the first time someone's interfered with one of my bounties. My boss, Golden Bounty... She claims that there's an organization trying to smuggle ponies away from bail bond recovery agents."
She raised an eyebrow. "A secret society of bounty hunter haters? Really?"
"Damn it Sunny, this is serious! They had access to royal guard armor and weapons. They probably had fake badges too, but I think they were afraid I'd spot the difference. That takes resources and planning. I don't know what's going on, but it's something big ."
Sunny rubbed at her head, as though trying to dispel a headache. "Fine... Lucky for you your partner's story is consistent with yours, it's a bit out there, but it could explain a few things." She shot me a nasty look. "Speaking of your partner, that kid is seriously mentally ill and not fit for duty of any kind, even if it's glorified debt collecting. I can't believe you're dragging him around just to relive your glory days."
Okay, now I was angry. "Swift Spear is one of the most skilled fighters I've ever seen. He saved my life, twice . you can throw as many barbs at me as you want, but he's a good kid."
"I'm not saying he's a bad pony Street, but he needs help. Frankly so do you."
I... I had nothing to say to that. "Are... Are you going to take off these cuffs?"
A burst of magic flowed around my hooves and the manacles fell to the floor. I made beeline for the door, not even pausing to rub at my hooves.
"We'd still take you back you know."
I froze.
"Supervised research and development." She said. "Detective work may be off the table, but there are still ways you can help us."
Help... That was the last thing I'd do. "Sunny I can't make guns. You know what its like to have destructive power and if I..." I was shaking at this point. I was actually going to do it. I was going to turn down an invitation back into the guard over philosophy .
I clenched my teeth. "My kind of power... Some day a five year old is going to get their hooves on it. I can't let that happen."
She glanced back to her cutie mark, a blazing sun. On her perky little flank it looked welcoming, but we both knew it meant she could make a heat lance so hot it could carve Canterlot in two.
"I can respect that." She said simply.
I nodded. I supposed that was the best I was going to get. I looked down at her. All the anger had drained out of her. Now she just looked... Sad.
"F-for what it's worth." I said, not even sure what I was saying. "You were always the pony I wanted to be."
Sunny Day sighed it was a painful, hopeless sound. "For what it's worth I know you tried... Now get out of my city."
And so I left.
There were a lot of things I expected to see when Street Justice came out of that interrogation room. She could be pissed, beaten up, still in chains...
I never expected her to be crying.
She cantered right up to me. "Swift! Are... Are you okay?"
I nodded, putting a hoof on her shoulder. "Of course... Are you okay?"
She hugged me. It was so sudden I had no idea what to make of it.
She nearly covered me entirely, but I don't think she'd ever felt smaller.
"Canterlot sucks," She said, between sobs. "Can... Can we never come back here ever again?"
I squeezed her back. "That... That sounds like a plan."
Ponies were staring at us. She finally let me go, still sniffling. "I need some air okay? Meet you at Donut Joe's at ten?"
I nodded. "Sure. Are you-" That said, she trotted out into the street.
"Cadet Swift Spear?"
I froze. Standing behind me was Captain Sunny Day.
She walked over to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. "You know she's not your job right?"
I blinked. The head of Princess Celestia's protection unit was standing right in front of me and I had no idea what to say. "W-what?"
The living legend sighed. "I've known Street Justice for a long time and I've given her lots of chances, but she's the single most self destructive pony I've ever met. Maybe some miracle will happen and she'll get a happy ending some day, but it isn't likely. You on the other hand..."
She looked me straight in the eye. "I've seen your file. You're a gifted, capable pony who just happens to be a little sick right now. If you get treatment you could do anything you wanted. Even if the guard isn't right for you there are so many ways you can make the world a better place, I learned that from Celestia herself."
I blinked. "What? What are you saying?"
She looked down at the floor. "I'm saying I don't want to see you waste yourself by going down with a sinking ship."
Huh? Now I was totally lost. "Captain Day, Ma'am... Street isn't a sinking ship. She's smart, she works hard, she cares about ponies... If she was a bad pony before I can guarantee she isn't anymore."
Sunny Day frowned. "Swift Spear, those things may be true in a twisted, twisted way, but I just spoke to her. She hasn't changed e-"
I pulled back from her hoof. Hay, I put a couple feet between us. "You... You were the one talking to her?"
She blinked. "Of course. I-"
I snarled. "Then with all do respect Captain Day , you made my partner cry, and I have no interest in your opinion."
And so, after insulting one of the most powerful ponies on the planet, I left.
I'd save my panic attack for when Street was okay.
Author's Note
Sunny Day used with Anzel 's Permission.
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
The Great Wyrm snarled at me, "You come here asking for the key, and you have not so much as located the vault?"
I sighed. I could feel the smoke from her breath flowing through the holes in my legs, chafing at my chiton.
This was my worst life.
"Mistress, I only seek to serve you better." I pleaded, "The princess has been pleased with my harvests so far. All I need do is continue to earn her trust. The vault will be yours mistress, I promise."
The dragon snorted. "The promises of a lost changeling mean little to me. Are you not grateful child? Do you not think saving you from that monster of a queen was enough? All I ask is that you return to me what was stolen. Then you shall have a place at my side..."
She stretched out to her full massive height and craned her head down to me. "And then you shall have my trust, but not sooner."
I bowed, shaking. The dragoness snorted. "You shall get the key to the vault when you have shown me proof of it's location. Not before. Am I clear?"
I nodded. "Yes Mistress."
"At least you have ears... Off with you then, and don't bother calling me back until you've found something useful."
That said, she engulfed me in flame... and I found myself back in my office, right in front of the fireplace.
I brushed the soot off myself and donned my disguise. It was an unassuming one, honestly. A brown coated pegasus with a dark blue mane, carefully styled. I put on my suit, checked the clock, and sat down for my second life.
Princess Celestia entered moments later.
The Sun Princess did not look pleased. "Director Smith, we need to talk. Your little fund-raising operation is getting out of control."
I raised an eyebrow. "Straight to the point I see... Princess we have suffered two setbacks, two . In an operation this large there are bound to be minor misscalculations-"
She narrowed her eyes. "Your 'miscalculations' put five operatives in prison, and generated no money for the EIA budget. Worse, ponies are starting to suspect there's more organization behind the bail bond industry's woes."
I groaned. "Princess, just because some deranged bond servers are babbling conspiracy theories-"
"Captain Day is asking questions Smith." The princess stated. "If my personal bodyguard is digging into intelligence records, we're going to have an issue."
My eyes widened. That was unexpected. I pondered it for a moment... Maybe I could play this to my advantage. "Princess, I will level with you, this operation was always a stop-gap measure. I know bills to raise black box funding are hard to pass..."
Celestia frowned. It was as close as she got to glaring. "The people of Equestria are peaceful, I have enough trouble maintaining a standing military budget to patrol our borders and you know it. You think I'm going to be able to sell a bill funding spies?" She shook her head.
I sighed, stroking my chin. "You're not wrong... There is another option though."
The princess raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
I shrugged. "Canterlot has an entire second treasury hidden from the populace. All we'd need to do is open the old vault and take our fill, problem solved, and no more risk to our agents."
Celestia's eyes went wide. "You... You are not supposed to know about that. How do you know about the vault?"
A not so little dragon told me. I allowed myself a smirk. "You ask how your spymaster uncovered a secret? Princess with all due respect, I'm the one who doctors your documents."
Celestia considered that, then smirked. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." She looked down. "But that vault was hidden for a reason. It may have more than a few piles of gold and gems, but the artifacts inside are extremely dangerous."
I raised an eyebrow. "More dangerous than stealing from bounty hunters?"
She let out a breath. "The things I do to keep my little ponies safe... I'll think about it, but for now the operation goes on as planned. Even if I wanted to open that door, the key is lost and trying to drill into the mountainside would draw too much attention. I could spend some time picking the lock, but..."
I snorted. "Princess, you are speaking to the head of a team of infiltration specialists, cracking magical locks would be easy for us. Just point us at the door and-"
She held up a hoof. "If you don't know it's location yet, it's best to keep that information compartmentalized for now. Skies forbid you get captured..."
I wanted to argue the point... but I could tell she was at her limit today. I needed to be patient, push too far and she'd get suspicious.
It was practically my mantra at this point.
"Very well princess," I replied, "but do let us know if you change your mind. Quite frankly, you're right. This operation is dangerous."
"Like I said I'm considering it..." That said, she left.
After I finished up some paperwork, I proceeded to life number three.
I opened the door to my house only to be promptly embraced by my wife. "Sweetie! You'll never guess what happened!"
I felt her love flow into me and I couldn't help but smile. "What is it dear?"
She gave me a brilliant grin "One of my toys is headed for the Canterlot children's museum hall of fame! Can you believe it?
I put my briefcase in the corner, "That's great dear, which one?"
She blushed. "Captain Squiggles the Piggles! Foals love their fuzzy pig slinkies. Oh! Here, let me get that." She took my coat and hung it up. "So, rough day?"
I sighed. "You know I can't tell you that Joy."
She snorted. "Alright Mr. confidential law firm man, I'll interpret it from your downer face... But I've got just the thing to cheer you up!"
She walked over to the kitchen door and slid it open. A positively heavenly smell wafted out of the room.
My eyes widened. "Truffles? How on earth did you get your hooves on truffles ?"
She smirked, flicking her hair playfully. "Let's just say the pigs liked the good press. Now are you ready for something delicious?"
I smiled... Though there was a bitterness to it. "Of course dear, Let's eat."
A delicious meal, a cuddle session, and a bit more than a cuddle session later, I found myself in the shower, shivering in hot water.
It was times like these, with the steam pouring down around me, and my true form revealed that certain... thoughts crept in.
When I first replaced Joy Buzzer's late husband I thought nothing of it. It was how you were supposed to survive after all, and with the swarm scattered I had to get my meals somewhere .
But she was so... So much more than I ever thought she could be. I... I felt for her. And here I was, a walking corpse, sharing her bed like it was nothing...
This was my favorite life, but it wasn't my real life. Slaves like me didn't get to have real lives.
I grit my fangs, practically shaking with rage. I didn't want to work for a princess, or a dragon or a hive queen. I wanted to be real... To be me.
I started repeating the incantation over and over to calm myself down. It was worthless without the elixer, but it made me feel safer.
You will be free, you must !
It was in that vault. If I could just play them all just right...
I sighed. This was going to be difficult I needed the location to get the key, and the key to open the vault. Two immortals to fool.
I had to convince Celestia her plan was stupid. All I needed was more disruptions...
I smiled. I think I had an idea.
I hopped out of the shower, put my disguise back on, and snuggled into bed.
The sleeping Joy snuggled into me on reflex, she was so warm, so beautiful....
I frowned. I knew it wasn't real, but maybe I could make it real... And with the Elixer, I doubted anyone could stop me.
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.
Street Justice finished her fifth doughnut with a sigh. "A little..."
We were sitting at Doughnut Joe's doughnut shop, Canterlot's best kept secret. Street had barely talked since we got here.
"You know you shouldn't let that bitch get to you." I said firmly.
Street shot me a nasty look. "That "bitch" has saved more lives than I can count and is personally responsible for the protection of the pony that moves the Sun. Show some respect."
I narrowed my eyes. "And you haven't saved lives? How many years were you a cop?" If she was going to plunge herself into a rage I was at least going to make her be logical about it.
"It's not the same." Street continued, "I put lives in danger too."
I raised an eyebrow. "By getting sick?"
"Yes! I mean, no I..." She shook her head. "I was supposed to be protecting ponies and I was too messed up to do it."
"Yeah, but was that really your fault?" I pressed. "I mean, you were getting used to new medications and going through something really shitty. Shouldn't-"
Street held up a hoof. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Sunny good, me bad, end of story. Now, where do we stand on our bounty for the gem smuggler?"
I sighed. Obviously it wasn't the end of the story, but even I could tell I wasn't going to get anywhere right now. "We did get the bounty processed... Two in a row this fast is actually kind of a lot."
Street snorted. "Not when you factor in travel expenses... And food... And medical attention when we inevitably get way more banged up than we already-"
I groaned. "Okay, seriously Street, that's enough! You are going to implode if you keep up like this. You need a break. Don't you ever do anything fun ?"
I slid open the rough sheet metal door and looked around.
This place was... Better. Not perfect, but better.
I found the reason for that sleeping at the front desk... Apparently we had a front desk now.
I bent over and tapped the desk lightly. "Sweeper?"
The old stallion snorted awake. He shot me a terrified salute. "Ma'am! I'm sorry Ma'am. It won't-"
I held up a hoof. "Sweeper. It's going to happen again, and again, and again. But in time it's going to happen less and less. You are going to get better. It won't be fast or anything, but I can wait okay?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Ma'am?"
I put a hoof on his shoulder. "I love what you've done with the place. Want to show me what happened to my drawing table?"
After some shuffling of old furniture, I found the thing. It was sitting next to a bin full of ashes and a stack of blank paper, both of which I pulled out.
Swift was baffled. "Wait, you draw ?"
I snorted. "More like plan." I picked up a pencil and got to work. I had hunks of walnut left over, but... "Hey Sweeper, do you know what happened to my steel ingots?"
The old guardsman blinked. "Uh... I think I saw some in the back, but they were too heavy to organize."
I nodded. "Gotcha, not an earth pony, that's okay. How about my lathe? Is it still in good shape?"
Swift got in front of me. "Okay, wait a minute, what are we doing here?"
I smirked. "Going to my happy place."
The next few hours were a flurry of working with my hooves, planning and measuring, carving and machining. My cutie mark sang to me as I worked the wood and steel like clay.
It was my gift, my horrible, comforting gift.
I double checked my barrel. It was fairly smooth off the lathe, but I'd need to do some filing. Everything else was measured out and ready for oiling and assembly.
"Hey Swift, can you-?"
I turned to seen my two favorite stallions asleep on the floor.
They were cuddling in their sleep. I had to repress an 'Aww'.
I looked outside. The light of early morning was starting to fade in. How long had I been working?
I looked back at the two stallions tuckered out on the floor. They had grease and wood shavings in their fur. How long had they been helping me?
Greedy. I couldn't help but think. I was sad because of something bad I did and then these two came in and helped me feel better. A screw up like me didn't deserve ponies like them...
But I still had them.
I picked myself up and scrounged out a blanket and some pillows off the cots in the office, making sure my intrepid assistants were comfortable.
Then I sat down at the table and got back to work.
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
I rolled my eyes. "Do we really have to do this?"
Guidance Counselor (no, seriously, that was her name) nodded. "If you want me to recommend a 3 month supply of medication, then yes, I want to talk to you."
I rolled over on the couch. I swear, she had a couch, just like in old movies. I know she was trying to make the room more soothing, but it just felt creepily generic.
She leaned back in her armchair. "So, how have things been since your... Change in employment status?"
She meant when I got sacked. "Expensive," I mumbled. I was really trying to hold on to my dwindling supply of bits, and here this tightwad said I had to have an uninsured hundred bit session with her or I couldn't get the medication I needed to live.
At least she had the sense to wince. "Remind me to ask my secretary about giving you an adjusted payment schedule, but I was more referring to your personal life."
I put a hoof to my chin. "Hmm... Let's see, all of my friends were cops and they refuse to talk to me, my sister is in Chicacolt living it up with some rich jerk who refuses to admit I exist and I have had exactly one job offer."
She tilted her head. "Only the one? Where else have you applied? Did you look at my list?"
"Sure I did, they said no." It was only half a lie. That list of jobs she'd given me had been just a pile of retail and customer service jobs. I had too many scars to sell ponies makeup or bake cookies...
Honestly there wasn't much call for a mare like me in general.
Counselor bit her lip. "I'm sorry to hear that, but... I have to say are you absolutely sure that sort of job is right for you?"
I sighed. "It's either that or living in a cardboard box. Besides, I always did want to see Equestria. I guess now's my chance."
"But you realize it's dangerous?" She cautioned.
I snorted. "I was a cop, I'm used to it."
I'd been in enough interrogation rooms to know she was suppressing some serious twitching. "In your last job you had more support though, more authority, more..."
"Dignity?" I asked.
She looked away. Good god, I'd managed to make a psychologist show emotion. The sky was falling.
Aw heck, I must have really bugged her...
I held up a hoof. "Look, I get it, you're worried and bail bonding ain't the most savory business in Equestria, but I'll be alright. Besides, right now it's all I've got."
I thought back to my empty fridge. It really, really was...
Guidance paused for a moment... Then nodded in acceptance. "Okay, but that means this is going to be our only chance for a dosage adjustment for some time. Have you spoken with your endocrinologist?"
I nodded. "They think my current dose won't need a change for a while. My blood tests are more than stable. So, how about it? Are you going to let me go?"
She pulled out a note-pad. "After I ask a few questions about your transition. Now, how high would you say your dysphoria has been in the last month?"
I groaned. This was going to take a long, long time...
I fiddled with my hooves as I waited for my name to be called, asking myself a flurry of questions. Why oh why did I steal that key? Why did the Royal Guard not want recruits in the janitor's closet? Why didn't I just wait and buy myself some more disinfectant during the next leave?
And of course, the most obvious question, why was I taking this job ?
Because I don't have any money. My brain provided unhelpfully.
I guess I could have gone back home, but... When I'd left home I'd told myself it was for good. My mom and dad were... Alright, but Neigh Jersey just wasn't a good place for anypony . Plus they'd been a wreck since the divorce.
So here I was, 19 years old and trying to become a bounty hunter... My future looked so bright.
The only other person inside was some weird earth pony stallion with a wicked utility harness and a camouflage bow hair tie. He had bloodshot eyes and when he first came he made a beeline for the water fountain and swallowed a hoof full of pills.
I could have sworn I saw a mare's name on the prescription bottle.
He was just sitting there, idly leafing through an old copy of "Cannons Monthly" and I had a sinking feeling that he was my co-worker.
I bit my lip. Ooh boy.
Finally, the receptionist, a soul drainingly grey mule, called us up. "Mr. Swift Spear? Miss Street Justice? The bondsmare will see you now."
To my great surprise, the (apparently female?) Burly earth pony picked herself up and walked into the office. I followed after her with only a little hesitation.
Inside the door was a bright lavender room with a pile of pictures of kittens piled around. Behind the desk was our new employer, a fluffy golden maned mare named Miss Golden Bounty... I couldn't shake the feeling that her parents wanted her to grow wheat or something.
She held out a few files. "Welcome to the Caring Hooves Bail Bonding Association! I trust you all have your licensing stuff in order?"
We both nodded, producing our ID paperwork... It had been worryingly easy to obtain.
She looked over our information and smiled. "Well, that was about the last formality, welcome to the team! It's orientation time!"
She trotted out from behind her desk and gestured to a wall of cat pictures. "I want you to think of yourselves as kitten caretakers!"
We both blinked.
Street Justice coughed. "Umm... Pardon me ma'am, but this is a for profit bounty hun-"
"Shhh!" She shushed her. "Don't call yourselves that! It's so much better when you refer to yourselves as "bail bond recovery agents."
She turned back to the kittens. "But anywho, as I was saying, the world is full of lots of cute little kittens, and they need to be kept inside where they're safe so they don't wander off and get hurt, or even hurt someone else!"
I... I had no idea where she was going with this, so all I said was, "Oookay."
She nodded. "When kitties get lost it's important to find them so they can go back to kitten court and learn their kitten sentences. However, it's important to remember they're kittens , not something mean that deserves to die like your ex-husband!"
Street and I exchanged a look... Then nodded.
"So that's the big lesson! It's okay if the kitties get a little banged up, just so long as the kitties aren't seriously hurt. So remember, beating kittens is okay, breaking their little paws with a sledge hammer is a no-no!"
She turned to us with an odd little glint in her eye. "You're going to help me wrangle all of the adorable kittens that have lost their way. I like kittens, I need kittens..." She narrowed her eyes. "And you do not want to buck with me. If you can't get enough kittens back, or you give kitten catchers a bad name well..." She shrugged. "Use you're imagination."
I tried very hard not to.
Golden Bounty smiled. "So do you have any questions before your first assignment?"
Street just kind of sputtered, "N-no ma'am!"
Golden giggled. "Great! Mimsy will give you your packets. they've got all the information you need to catch your first kitten. Good luck!
That said, she shooed us out the door.
We didn't need much encouragement.
View Online
The Swift Spear of Street Justice
I have some internal hemorhaging to attend to.
I shook at the ice pack strapped to my forehead and winced. It was a nice gesture, but I would have felt better if I was in a clinic instead of an interrogation room.
I glanced at the terrified pegasus next to me. "For what it's worth kid, I'm really sorry about all this."
The kid twitched. He too had an icepack, but his was held to his ribs. "C-Can you stop calling me that...?"
I smirked. "Sure kid."
"Will you two shut up!" Our target cried, rattling his handcuffs. "I can't stand your constant bickering..."
I snorted, shifting my metal bindings as I leaned back. "You didn't mind before."
He snarled a "THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS A DISTRACTION HELPING MY MEN EXTRACT ME FROM YOUR MEASLY HOOVES!!! NOW SHOVE IT!"
I smiled. "Okay." I turned to the one way mirror. "You get all that?"
Sherriff Silver Star's voice came through the tube. "Yup, that'll do nicely for a confession. Thank ya kindly." He wandered into the interrogation room and undid our handcuffs.
The guilty stallion blanched. "Wha-? What?" He glared at me. "You tricked me!"
The rookie and I rubbed our hooves and stood up. I smirked "Fair's fair." That said we walked right out the door.
The sheriff followed us out of the interrogation room... As did a torrent of very creative profanity, but that quieted down as we wandered away. "Thanks for the help... I presume Golden Bounty sent you?"
The rookie stared at him. "You know the boss?"
The sheriff nodded. "Yup, we work pretty well with her."
As a former policemare, I raised an eyebrow.
The sheriff chuckled. "I know it sounds strange, but around these parts there ain't enough law ponies to go around. If I can get a little help from bounty hunters now an' then I ain't exactly in a position to say no."
Things really were different in the desert. The captain back home would have pulled his own teeth out before he asked for help from the likes of... Well, us.
Still, I wasn't going to look a gift pony in the mouth. "It was no problem Sheriff. Do you folks have a telegraph line? We should let Golden know the suspect is in custody."
He nodded. "I don't have any fancy tech lying around, but I'll be happy to get the paperwork for y'all. I suspect you're going to be hankering for that commission."
I shrugged. I couldn't lie, having actual money would be nice, and considering his resources his bail had been set pretty high... but I still wasn't used to this kind of work.
I glanced back at the interrogation room. I had caught a criminal. I had legitimately removed a danger to society. And I was in a police station on business...
I smiled. It wasn't ideal, but maybe I could make this work. I turned back to the sheriff "I am, thanks."
"Just doing our duty sir!" The kid said with a perfect salute.
The sheriff nodded, giving an uneasy salute in return. "Alright then, I'm afraid I've got a bunch of forms to fill out. Do y'all want to wait for them?"
I smirked. "That depends, do you have terrible police station coffee?"
He nodded. "The worst."
"Count me in!"
It was absolutely the most putrid coffee I had ever tasted. It felt like drinking ground charcoal... But Street Justice was having a good time, so I suppose I could bear it.
To be honest I was having a good time too.
There was a time... A long time ago... When I had friends in the royal guard. They were an amazing bunch, we'd hang out and chat and drink whatever weird stuff we could find... Okay, I'd just take a sip because I was scared I'd lose my self control, but that's not the point!
The point is... Before the ponies in the guard knew how messed up I was, the rest of the recruits had actually liked me.
Listening to the deputy tell stories while the chief did paperwork... It almost felt like I was back home.
"So this mean bunch of cattle came to town see? They wanted to rustle all our apples out of storage... And let me tell you, we did not have the horsepower to stop them! But Sheriff had a plan see? He got this local buffalo to paint himself all kinds of colors? And then when those cattle were least expecting it, he leaped out of the bushes and spooked them with-"
"And done!" The Sheriff said, stamping his hoof on a stack of papers. "This should be all you ponies need to collect your bounty."
I blinked. "Wait, we aren't taking him back? The bounty is in Fillydelphia."
The Sheriff looked confused. Street just held up her hoof. "Prisoner transfer is a different department kid. Don't worry, he'll get to trial." She picked herself up. I guess it was time to go.
I looked at street. There was something... Oddly bitter about her expression.
I... No one had ever accused me of being socially astute, but...
"Mr Deputy Sir?" I asked.
He tilted his head. "Yes son?"
I took another glug of liquid tartarus and gave him an uneasy smile. "Would you have time for just one more story? Please?"
He blinked and turned to the Sheriff.
The Sheriff nodded.
The deputy smirked and cleared his throat. Street sat back down, smiling.
"So this one time we had this cockatrice problem..."
Our boss was pacing. "Oh... I know this... This is the work of the Dark Kitten Catchers ... That's for sure!" Golden shouted.
A few stories, a train ride, and a trip to the office later we found ourselves in for another one of Golden Bounty's rants.
I cleared my throat. "Okay... I'm genuinely terrified to ask, but... Dark Kitten Catchers ?"
Golden Bounty nodded, staring up at her creepy cat clock. "Yes... They've been stealing my kittens for years! And they do the same to other Kitten Catchers..."
The kid looked nervous... Well, he always looked nervous, but now he looked more so. "So..." he said, "Are you saying that every time we go after somepony they're going to be guarded?"
Bounty shook her head. "Nope! Not every kitten engages their services, and they're hard to find. It's annoying!" She ground her teeth. "Whenever we catch them they clam right up! Don't say a word to the authorities and do their time in silence..."
Okay, that sort of behavior I was familiar with. Huh... So there was an organized crime ring of some kind that smuggled away ponies that got their hands on bail bonds...? I'll admit, it seemed pretty strange at first glance. What would be the motive? Anyone who had to take out a bail bond to escape prison certainly couldn't pay off a crime family.
I didn't have enough information. I turned Golden Harvest. "Ma'am, what do you know about these... Uh... Dark kitten catchers? If they're a threat we'll need to be prepared for them."
She shook her head, her golden locks settling down in a frizz. "Nope! Sorry, I'm not telling you anything..."
I raised an eyebrow. "What? Why won't you tell us!"
Even Swift Spear couldn't swallow that. "I'm sorry Ma'am," He said, "but that doesn't make sense. Your income is tied to our success and these... Dark Kitten Catchers... are clearly a detriment to that."
She giggled. "Silly guardling! That's not how this works."
She leaned over her desk, all the levity drained from her. "You may have brought me a kitten, but that doesn't mean I trust you, not yet . You get me more kittens and these little shits cause you trouble again, then maybe, maybe , I'll talk, but until I know you're not working for them you're on probation."
Okay it was long past time to beat a retreat. I picked Swift up and put him behind me. "Right... Okay Ma'am... Is there anything else?"
She nodded. "I have your next assignment lined up. It's taking you to Canterlot so I'm sure your experience with city police work will come in handy."
I nodded back, then turned tail and headed for the door.
"Street?" She said, stopping me.
I turned around... Slowly. "Yes Ma'am?"
She smiled. "For the record you both did good work out there. Rest assured, these meanies are on my shit list and I'll be doing whatever I can to take them down. Playing my cards close to my chest... It's nothing personal. I just can't risk telling you this early in our relationship."
I smirked, backing slowly away. "I love you too Golden."
