Dear Secret Diary, my name is Diamond Tiara – DT or Tia for short. I like Tia – it sounds like part of Princess Celestia's name. It's also what my daddy calls me when I'm sad, or sick – it usually helps me to feel better. I'm going to call you Sedi – for secret diary – get it? I know you can't really talk back to me, but it's nice to be able to talk to somepony – or somebook, maybe? - without having anypony else listening. I got you at my Cute-ceanera, did you know that? It's been a while since then now – it feels like forever, but also like it just happened, sort of. Time's weird. Anyway, the only reason I even picked you up at all is that I'm confused – I know that's not nice, but you're just a book anyway.
If you actually had a brain, maybe you'd be wondering what I'm so confused about – I know Silver Spoon would be, if I was talking to her about this. She's my best friend, by the way. Maybe my only friend. That's kind of part of the reason I'm writing to you, even though you're just pages. See, I've always had the best of everything. Always. Toys, cakes, sweets, dresses, jewellery – anything I wanted. I've always been one of the richest fillies in Ponyville, and I've got a lot of attention because of that. Sure, it's pretty obvious when some ponies just hang off my words in case I'll give them stuff, but I sometimes wonder whether it's always that easy to tell. The only filly I know for absolutely-positively-sure isn't hanging around me for my richness and treats is Silvie – that's Silver Spoon – and that's because I've known her for ever and ever. Oh, and she's pretty rich too – I guess that might help.
If I thought you could answer me, I'd ask what you thought of that – whether you had any ideas about how to tell if somepony just cares about my daddy's money – but again, you're just a book. I know, I know, why not ask my daddy? Well, I would, but then I'd have to tell him that I don't know if I even have any real friends who aren't Silvie, that I don't know how to tell who cares about the money and who cares about me. He's seen me playing with lots of fillies and colts, and I think it would hurt him if he thought that his richness might be stopping me from having real friends. I know that's not the only thing, but I think it's what he'd think, and I don't want to hurt my daddy. There aren't many ponies I care much about – I know I'm a crosspatch – but my daddy loves me, and I love him, and I don't want him to think that it's all his fault.
Didn't expect a filly with a pretty, elegant name like mine to be a crosspatch, did you Sedi? (If you could expect things at all) I am, though. To my daddy, I'm a precious little princess, but I'm not serene and all-loving at all. I get cross, I get greedy, I get jealous, I get mean. I've always been self-centered – I guess I don't really understand the whole 'magic of friendship' thing everypony puts so much stock in. Is there something wrong with me? I've tried to be friendly – I'm not lying! I have. It's just... Some ponies really rub me up the wrong way – and it happens waaaaay to often.
It's like I'm not a real pony at all – like I have some weird angry Manticore all snarled up in my soul. I've heard some older ponies whispering that it's my daddy's fault – I make sure to be extra bratty to them. It's not daddy's fault at all – at least, not as much as they think. Yes, my daddy is rich. Yes, my daddy buys me all sorts of things. Yes, maybe I'm a tiny bit spoiled. That much is true – I know what spoiled means, and I know what brat means – I looked them up to check after a while, just to be sure. I am a rotten spoiled brat – but that doesn't mean it's all on daddy. Ponies think he just caves and gives me whatever I want – that isn't true! He makes me do things I don't want to all the time! I hate eating broccoli, but I have to 'because it's healthy'. I don't like tidying my room, or washing the dishes – I still have to do it.
My daddy does have rules, and I do have to follow them – I just have way too many rough edges, that's all. I try not to let him see what a horrible pony I am – I just know he'd be disappointed in me – but I can't help being who I am. Maybe I'm destined to be a brat – that's the other part of why I started writing. It's about my cutie mark. The most important day of a young filly or colt's life is the day they get their cutie mark, and learn what it means to be them. A moment that tells you who you're meant to be. I was so proud when I saw that I had mine – and it was so pretty! I felt like I would cry, I was so pleased. There's a secret, though. I don't know what precise moment it appeared. You might think that's a stupid thing to be worrying about, but it's really not.
A cutie mark appears the moment a pony has a realisation about something that forms the core of who they are – at least, that's what I was told – so the moment itself is actually very important. Do you have any idea how many thoughts run through my head all the time, and how quickly? Not to mention, I was a little preoccupied with what I was doing for most of the day that I got my mark – it could have appeared at a number of different times, and I wouldn't have noticed. Why? I was playing a game – kind of a mixture of Capture the Flag and Paint Balloons – which meant I was wearing things to help me blend in with the woods. No, not the Everfree Forest – I'm not stupid. That one place where they do the Running of the Leaves – I forget the name.
Anyway, you might not think that games like that would really appeal to a 'perfect little princess' like me – you'd be wrong. Mud, that I hate, but paint is different. Nopony could mistake bright colours for animal poop, after all, and it stinks less. Besides, games like that usually mean teams – which mean leaders. I like to be the leader – and I was. I had a team of my very own to lead. I'll freely admit – to you – that I have an ego – but I think I earn it sometimes. After all, I did lead my team to victory. But I'm skipping the other important parts, and that's not good. This all sounded so much better inside my head, you know. I have to write it down, though – I don't want to forget all this when I'm grown up and know precisely who I am and what I'm meant to be... like I should now.
Moving on – I was leading a team, Silvie was in charge of the other. We'd done this before, so we both knew plenty about how – gah, phrasing. Why didn't I use pencil? I knew how she usually acted, and she knew how I'd probably act – that's what I meant. It was a challenge, and there was a tub of the most delicious ice cream at stake. It was a flavour me and Silvie both adore, but it's not a local product, so we don't see it in Ponyville very often. I knew that I would have to be sneaky – some of the ponies at school think that Silvie just follows me and agrees with everything I say, but she's actually smart – just, not as assertive as I am. Probably.
You probably think that I like being in charge because I like it when other ponies pay attention to me, and do what I say – and that's the truth. It's just not the whole truth. I'm good at bossing other ponies around, and getting them to do what I want. I'm also good at figuring out what to boss them into doing, in games like that one. It doesn't really tend to work out like that all the time in other kinds of stuff. So, I could guess where Silvie would hide her flag, and where she'd send her troops to try and get mine. I also knew more about the fillies and colts on her team than she thought I did – I knew which ones I could probably convince to switch sides for the promise of something they wanted. Learning things about other ponies and how to use them to get my way is another thing I'm good at.
Don't go thinking that's awful – even if it is, a bit. Silvie tried to do the same with my troops – we always do that. It started when we were having those lessons on that one war way back when – but that's not the point. The point is, I had more than one moment that day when I had a realisation, and my flank was covered the whole time! Did my cutie mark appear when I won the game - my best victory yet? Or maybe, when I came up with the plan that led to it? Did it appear when I convinced that one colt to play for me instead of Silvie? I thought that maybe it appeared after I won, when I had that thought that I deserved to win, because I'm Diamond Tiara – because I always get what I want.
Thinking about it, that's a very not-harmonious kind of cutie mark – and it wouldn't really mean what I thought it meant – that I would always get what I wanted. Would it mean I was destined to be a spoiled rotten filly for all time? What if it was when I was getting some of Silvie's team to switch sides? Would that mean that I've got a special talent for making traitors? Looks like my tiara of destiny is a lot heavier than I thought it would be. Would it be any better if it was a cutie mark for bossing other ponies around? I'm not gonna lie and blame my cutie mark for all my behaviour – empathy's never really been something I 'get', if that makes any sense, but it doesn't help. In a way, it's kind of a twisted version of something I've always wanted.
I've told you that I'm daddy's little princess, right? Well, one of my secret dreams has always been to be a real princess one day, and have my own kingdom of subjects to rule. I'd be beautiful, everypony would love me, and nopony would dare do anything to MY kingdom, because I'd know exactly how to make them sorry! Maybe it's silly – the only princesses around now have wings and horns, and I don't have either. Plus, my daddy's rich, not a king. Still, it's a dream I've had since I knew what my name meant.
Now I have a tiara on my flank as well as on my head and in my name, but instead of showing me a world of potential, I just feel empty inside – and bitter and jealous and angry. Everypony else gets to understand who they are when they get their cutie marks – they get to become all kinds of things. What can I grow into, if all my stupid butt is telling me I am is a rich jerk? It's not fair... And don't get me started on the blank flanks! They could still be anything, they still have all the older ponies telling them they just have to believe in themselves, and they'll find out something wonderful about who they are and what they're meant to be.
Why should they get to have that, when it didn't work like that for me? I know it's not very nice to lash out – I'm not proud of myself for it, but I don't feel sorry about it. Not as much as I should be. I guess I really am full of myself – all I can think about is how it's not fair, how I should be so much more. Does it mean that I'm a bad pony, if I don't think about other ponies before myself? If I don't think as much about their feelings as my own? I don't know how not to do that. Everypony makes it look so easy – as though they're all so perfect and harmonious and lovely. Maybe that's part of why I like to pick at their weaknesses – to prove to myself that they aren't really perfect, that I'm not as far behind. When I do that, though, it kind of proves that I'm worse, doesn't it?
Who am I really, Sedi? Can I still be me, if I'm selfish and horrible? Can I still be anything I want, now that I have my cutie mark? Will I ever find a way to make everything not awful anymore? Would I still be me, if I wasn't so mean? I'm afraid, Sedi. I've seen what happens to mean ponies in the stories – I've seen that pathetic Trixie and her boasts, and I could see me turning into her. I don't want to be like Trixie! She looked so stupid and fake, when everypony knew that she was mostly boast, and all the ponies that liked her show didn't like her any more. I don't know what happened to her, or where she went, but I don't want to end up like that. Maybe I already have, though – maybe it's too late? I don't know what to think. I'm gonna go for a walk now, and think about stuff. I don't know when I'll be back, or if I'll ever write to you again. Maybe if I ever work things out. Goodbye, then. Thanks for being, well, a book. Books can't judge ponies.
