Two Ponies Walk Into A Bar...
Two Ponies Walk Into A Bar...
Twilight stepped cautiously through the swinging door of the bar, her hooves still shaking. “Did we have to buzz the orphanage so low?” Her teeth chattered as she spoke, her wings almost vibrating as she folded them back.
“Of course we did, Scootaloo was watching!” Rainbow Dash grinned, trotting up to the bar as if nothing had happened. Of course, in the most important sense, nothing bad had happened — they hadn’t crashed, and although Twilight still had trouble keeping up with Dash, she was certainly improving. Initially she had found Dash’s intensity and “throw her in the deep end” style of teaching to be off-putting, but she now understood that it was just Dash’s way of making sure that Twilight took flying seriously and pushed herself hard. Still, in some ways, Twilight would be content just to stick with some weekend courses on commuter flying. It would involve less split-s turns that put her so close to the rooftops she could graze them with her hooves.
“Are you sure? I mean, I didn’t even see her?”
“You’ll get better at spotting ponies on the fly once you do it more. Remember how you ‘tricked’ me into memorizing all that history by looking at it out of the corner of my eye? We’ll have you doing something like that soon enough.” Dash sidled up to the bar and tapped her hoof on it. “Maybe if I have Spike scatter some books around in a field you’ll pay better attention!”
“You better not be doing that with my first editions!” Twilight moved in next to Rainbow, sitting down and waiting for the bartender. He was an alert, attentive stallion and had two fresh, cold ciders in front of the mares before they even asked. Twilight took hers gingerly, sipping it. She didn’t realized how much she needed it, the cold liquid tempering and relaxing her body as it went down smooth as silk.
Rainbow Dash was halfway through her mug before she even set it down. “Well, it’s not Sweet Apple Acre’s private reserve, but it’s better than the swill you normally serve me!” Dash waved her half empty mug at the bartender, who rolled his eyes a bit and resumed serving other customers.
“Do you...come in here a lot then?” Twilight suddenly realized that she had never been in this bar before, and indeed she hadn’t really been to one in a long time. They were always so noisy and crowded, with bad lighting and no place to go and read. They just weren’t her kind of place, usually. But Rainbow Dash seemed to like them, probably because she could get drunk and be the center of attention. Two of her favorite things, really.
“Sometimes. I mean, it’s near Scootaloo, so when I’m done checking in on her, it’s convenient. But it’s a bit far away from my place, so unless I’ve got a reason to be out here…” She sipped at her cider, turning around and leaning on the bar to get a look at the place. “Wait, have I been here before? I’m not sure. Is this Tapper’s?” She looked around for a bit and, finding nothing that caught her interest, resumed drinking her cider. “Well, the drinks are good, so who cares what this place is?”
“I’d think you’d want to know where you were spending your money, if only so you could come back again.” The cider was pleasant, but the cold temperature and warm alcohol forced her to keep it slow. How could ponies like Rainbow Dash and Pinkie chug this stuff without getting a massive headache? Or maybe they just didn’t care?
Rainbow Dash finished her drink and set it down on the counter. The bartender removed the empty mug and replaced it almost as fast as it hit the wood. “Oh, that reminds me, Twilight, can you spot me on this one? It’s just payday isn’t for two more days and…”
“Fine…” Twilight reached into her saddlebag and retrieved several bits, placing them on the counter. They disappeared in a flash. “I seem to be covering you a lot lately. In fact I seem to always be covering you.”
“Isn’t that your job as princess?” Rainbow Dash picked up her mug and began downing it, although she stopped after only a quarter was gone this time. “Consider it the price you pay for free flying lessons. You know I charge a lot of parents like, fifty bits a lesson to train their foals. You should be happy I just make you pay my bar tab.”
“With as much as you drink, that’s hardly a discount.” Twilight was halfway through her cider now, and began to explore the room. It was a pleasant place, with plenty of seating, although the low lighting made it hard to see who all was here. Just a mix of assorted earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi of both genders talking, enjoying drinks and chomping down on onion rings and fried alfalfa. “But seriously Dash, where ARE we?”
Dash finished her second drink and began to look around as she began her third. “Well, the bartender is a stallion, so it’s not a lesbian bar…” She sipped it gently, scanning the room. “And there aren’t enough leather-clad hunks with large moustaches for it to be a gay bar...Did I tell you that story? The time I accidentally went into a gay bar?”
“You told me that it was the most fun you ever had with your saddlebags on, but crossing off those two possibilities still doesn’t tell me where we are.” Twilight was beginning to get worried. If she didn’t know where she was, neither did anypony else. What if somepony needed her? What if there was some sort of friendship crisis, or another emergency that needed her urgent attention? “Besides, it’s getting late, let’s just finish our ciders and head back home. I’m sure the work has been piling up and -”
“Two things, Twilight. One, the sun isn’t even down yet, and two, I doubt that the whole land of Equestria is entering a crisis so big that it demands your immediate attention when we’ve only been gone a couple hours.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “A couple hours? Just like you’ve only had a couple ciders?” Twilight sipped hers a bit more. It was getting closer to room temperature now, but the flavor remained pleasant and inviting. Whatever pony had made this certainly knew their craft. “Seriously Rainbow Dash, we need to figure out where we are.”
“A couple ciders? I thought this was like, number three, or number four.” Regardless of the number, she finished her current cider and moved on to the next one. This one she sipped slowly, tasting each mouthful before swallowing. “And you worry too much. We’re in this great little bar, I’m buzzing like a bee, and we just had a great flying lesson. Everything’s fine!” She leaned back on the bar a bit more, her face now almost as red as one of the strands in her mane.
Twilight was going to retort with some harsh words, but then thought better of it. She’d find out the name of this place and beat Rainbow Dash at her own game. Maybe it was the cider talking, but the idea of knocking Dash down a peg, or at least having her admit her ignorance, seemed brilliant. At the very least, she could remind her friend which one of them was the ‘egghead’ with her own castle, instead of a brash show-off with no direction in life.
“I bet you’re just acting like you don’t care because you don’t know!” Twilight sipped her cider and looked Dash right in the eyes. “You just don’t want to look dumb to your smart friend. Don’t worry Dash, you don’t have to play smart for me, I like you just as you are.” It had taken awhile, and several embarrassing incidents, but Twilight had learned that sometimes words that were supposed to make Dash more comfortable instead just made her more upset about the fact she wasn’t “perfect.” She’d never tried it deliberately, but she got the results she wanted.
“Why are you so smug about it, egghead? I thought you were the one who was all worried somepony might not be able to find us!” Rainbow Dash got to her hooves, swaying slightly. She blinked a bit, reaching out to grab the bar to steady herself. “Besides, I could find out the name of this bar with my eyes closed! I’d just have to go outside and read the sign!”
“I’ll not mention the problem of reading something with your eyes closed.” Twilight tapped her cider down on the counter and grinned. Time to have some fun at Dash’s expense, since Dash had been doing the reverse during the whole flying lesson. “Let’s make it a game, then. First one to figure out the name of the bar without reading the sign and without asking wins, and the loser has to pay the tab.” Twilight put her cider to her lips and finished it, tapping her hoof for a second. “And you’d better win, Dash, I know you don’t have enough bits to cover your own drinks, much less my own, and I imagine you’ve got better plans for tonight than washing glasses.”
“Oh I’ll show...show you!” Dash hiccuped, her swaying getting more and more wild as she overcorrected one way and then the other. “And I don’t need to ask or read nothing! I’ll...I’ll show you that you don’t have to be an egghead in a bar!” She stumbled towards the nearest table, leaning on it and beginning to tell a story about herself a bit too loudly. The other ponies were startled but listened politely, intrigued by Dash enough to pay attention and not move to another spot.
“Isn’t she competitive!” Twilight grinned a little and sipped her cider, admiring Dash’s ability to dive into a crowd like that. She didn’t think it would help much, though, especially as long as she didn’t let the other ponies get a word in edgewise. For her own part, Twilight began to carefully look around. Most bars did something to promote and advertise themselves on the inside as well as the outside, and there was a high likelihood that she’d find a logo printed on something. She checked her surroundings. The napkin under her drink was just ordinary cloth, and her mug was likewise blank. There were plenty of bright neon signs in front of the mirror and along the walls, but they seemed to all revolve around the assorted brands of cider, beer and wine on offer, as well as the lighter side of alcoholism. There was one involving a pony with a broken foreleg trying to lay down and use his back legs to lift a beer that even got a chuckle out of her. But it brought her no closer to an answer.
She could probably use magic to find out, to hypnotize somepony into telling her unprovoked or open up a portal that revealed the signage outside, but that sort of rules-dodging always made Rainbow Dash cry “foul,” unless she thought of it first. Besides, where was the fun in that? A victory over Dash would be much more satisfying if she played as fair as possible. Dash lost so rarely, after all, and was such a delightfully sore loser as well. It would be every bit as fun as the time she beat Dash in the Running of the Leaves.
Dash was certainly trying to play fair, although her brash, interrupt-everypony’s-conversations tactics were not winning her as many friends as she thought. She would bounce from table to table, rambling for a bit and using leading questions to try and get somepony to drop the name of the place without overtly asking, but most ponies were just annoyed at being bothered by a drunk. At least everypony was polite, even if they did leap at the first opportunity to push her off to be somepony else’s problem.
The bartender walked over to Twilight, leaning over. “Is your friend okay?”
“She is if she’s still standing up.” Twilight sipped her own cider. Somehow this one tasted better than the first. Maybe because she was getting more drunk. “Don’t worry, she can take a drink, and she’s harmless. Mostly.”
“Whatever you say, Princess.” The bartender resumed cleaning some glasses. “I gotta say, it’s a real honor, having a princess in here. I mean, I know you live here and all, but your castle is way on the other side of town and I’ve been told you’re not much of a drinker — ‘scuse the offence if there is any. I mean the papers tell me you’re more for the spa-and-tea kind of relaxation.”
“No offense, and the rumors are true.” Twilight sipped her cider and then sat it down, leaning over the bar to look at the bartender. He was a handsome earth pony, his coat a subdued brown and complemented with a long blond mane. “I do tend to prefer the spa on my days off. But Rainbow Dash wanted a drink and I mean she loves it so much.”
“A bit too much.” The bartender stared at the rafters, which Rainbow Dash was now hanging from in an attempt to get everypony’s attention. “Just so you know, she’s cut off. Really I should have stopped her at three, but I got the impression she’s a pony who can take her booze.”
“Oh, she can, and don’t worry, she won’t break anything.” Just as Twilight finished speaking, Dash crashed to the floor with a thud. “I hope.” She turned to the bartender and smiled. “So you never told me your name.”
“It’s Tippler.” The bartender moved off to serve a few patrons before returning. “I guess my parents were confident that I’d take over the family business. You know, this bar has been in business since Ponyville was founded. It used to be on the outskirts, welcoming travelers from out west. But then the town grew and so here I am, halfway into town and all I did was grow older.”
“I see.” Twilight finished her cider and then set it down, smirking. If the bartender was named “Tippler,” then this place must be “Tippler’s.” Most bartenders named their bars after themselves a bit. She pulled a small stack of bits from her saddlebag and set it on the counter. “This covers everything, right?”
“It does, and gives me a handsome tip!” Tippler smiled and did a small bow. “Thank you very much princess.”
“Don’t mention it.” Twilight began to get off her stool and head towards Rainbow Dash. She’d get her money back, with interest, now that she’d won the bet. Dash probably couldn’t pay either, so maybe Twilight could negotiate some work done in trade. The higher reaches of the castle’s interior did need a good dusting, and it’s not like Rainbow Dash couldn’t just fly up there.
“Say, before you go, could I...Get a photo? I mean, if it’s okay.” He pulled out a camera from behind the counter, blowing dust off the top. “I always wanted to get a celebrity photo to hang behind the bar, but no celebrities ever stopped in here.”
Twilight smirked and leaned on the bar, doing her best to imitate what she thought a good cider drinking pose might be with her half-empty glass. “I guess there’s no harm in it. Although if you really want somepony with celebrity status, you should ask Dash to come down out of your roof.”
“I would, but I don’t think she would exactly present a ringing endorsement as drunk as she is.” Tippler snapped the photo and then reached out his hoof for a shake. “Thanks so much, Princess. I really hope you enjoyed your drinks and that you come back again sometime.”
“I just might!” Being princess for two years had taught her the art of the diplomatic response, and a little ambiguity went a long way towards keeping her from having to make and keep promises. “But for now I think Rainbow Dash needs to go home.” Twilight popped up into the rafters to find Dash hugging one and giggling, pulling her hoof on and off one of the main supports. “Ok Dash, it’s time to go home. Get down and let’s have a nice walk back to your place.”
“But I didn’t win the bet yet!” She kept giggling and staring at something obscured by her hoof. “You’ll never guess what this place is named!”
“Oh yes I will, and I know that I figured it out before you even came up here.” Twilight put an arm around Dash’s shoulders. “It’s called ‘Tippler’s,’ after the bartender.”
“Bah! Close, but not close enough.” Rainbow Dash removed her hoof, pointing to a small engraving burnt into the wood. “Tapper’s, Erected in the 934th Year of the Reign of Princess Celestia.”
“That doesn’t prove anything, this bar could have changed names and owners a bunch of times since it was built!”
“Yeah but I didn’t change the name.” Tippler leaned over his bar, shouting up to the mares in the rafters. “Grandpa has a great name, and besides, all his customers knew it already. Didn’t you see the big sign outside? I have it lit up with firefly lamps and everything?”
Twilight blinked, then swooped down through the door and up into the sky. “TAPPER’S” was written in large old-fashioned letters, lit up brightly by a set of lamps. How had she missed it coming in? Maybe Rainbow Dash was right about Twilight’s potentially dangerous lack of focus while flying.
“I knew before we even came in, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash knocked her hoof on the engraving. “I just wanted to be able to prove it as part of the bet. And I’ve been in the rafters of enough bars to know that most owners engrave their names up here. It’s like, a tradition!”
Tippler pointed at one of the rafters. “My name is on that one. My Dad and I went up there when I turned twenty-one and started to help out. His is over in the corner, and my uncle’s is...somewhere, I don’t remember.”
“Off in the northeast corner!” Rainbow Dash pointed in its general direction. “I needed to check ‘em all to make sure that this one had the oldest date. You guys must have had a lot of happy memories in here, to keep hiding your names all over the place!” Dash let go of the rafter and flew down, landing hard by the front door. “Well Twilight, I believe you’ve already paid our bill, as I saw you doing from up here, and you offered to help me walk home?” She opened the door, looking over her shoulder at Twilight as she almost went out. “You sure we can’t splurge for a sky taxi? The moon looks way better from up here than down there.”
“Don’t push your luck, Dash, I just paid for seven drinks. I’m not made of money, you know.” Twilight followed Dash outside, looking up at the moon. She could afford a sky taxi easily, calling one down with her horn. But Dash wasn’t the only one who could be a sore loser. “Besides, I think we could both use the exercise.”
Dash pushed Twi a bit and then hugged her with her wing. “Says the egghead!” She ruffled Twilight’s mane and then stumbled forward a bit, testing her wings and smiling. “I bet I could fly home, even this drunk! But I wouldn’t wanna leave you behind. You’re so inobservant and forgetful you’d get lost even with a full moon helping!”
Twilight rolled her eyes and followed along. Well, at least Dash was a good teacher. And fun to be around. And a loyal friend. Surely all that had to be worth putting up with the occasional bout of drunkenness and a tendency to be a bit of a bad winner, right?
Author's Note
This was my first story for "Four Hooves and a Pen." I'd like to thank everyone who helped me correct and improve upon it. I look forward to doing another story with the group!