H. P, F. D, Meatball and Me!

by I_Heart_Derpy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 1730

Feather Quill is a very social pony, one day, she decides to have her friends over for the night. Meatball, Headsplit, Fallout, and her all watch "My Little Humans" and read fanfics about those "odd people things" they see on TV.

Feather Quill is a very social pony, one day, she decides to have her friends over for the night. Meatball, Headsplit, Fallout, and her all watch "My Little Humans" and read fanfics about those "odd people things" they see on TV.
I wonder what happens, I'd better read this right now and give it a million likes…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-17 01:52:27 UTC

Headsplit, the Doll, and the War

        "K. See you in a bit!" I hung up the phone. I had just gotten off of the phone with my friend, Headsplit. I dialed  another number and waited. 'Click'

         "Hello? Fallout Dude speaking,"

         "F D! Hi!" I exclaimed, "HP  is coming over to see a the new 'My Little Human' episode with me, would you like to come?"

        "Ummm, yeah! I should be able to come!" He said, "Is Meatball Gonna be there, too?"

       "Oh! Meatball is next on my call- for - new- episode list!" (Meatball, Headsplit, and Fallout Dude are all nicknames,) " Thanks!" I beamed as I put down the phone.

        I dialed another number, waiting longer for this one to pick up than the last. "Feather Quill? That you?" A voice from the other line called.

        " No, Meatball, it's president Barack Obama. " I said sarcastically "I've come for your lunch money."

        "No, president! " He joked, "I already gave it to DJ Pon 3"

        "Ok, truce, I was just wondering if you would like to come over to watch the new episode today,"

"Yeah, I'll come, hold on, NO, MA! YOU PUT ON THE JACKET HEADFIRST!!!" 'click'

        I jumped over the back of the leather couch and landed on the cushion. The remote was juuust out of my reach. My policy is that if thou cannot reacheth thoust remote, thou must doeth something else. I then got up and walked up the stairs into my bedroom, I looked in the mirror and saw a light-turquoise mare with a fuchsia and white mane staring back at me.        I heard the doorbell ring. I opened the door and Headsplit, Meatball, and Fallout were there, I let them in and noticed Headsplit had an overstuffed backpack on.

        "Hey, HP," I said, peering behind him, what's in that backpack of yours, hm?"

        He smiled, "oh, nothing," he said innocently. I circled around him, grabbed his pack, and ripped it open. Inside was a bunch of school stuff, an I phone, and a big old Applebloom doll. It was her pony version, so it didn't look too wierd. It did have a pretty torn up muzzle, though.

        He looked down in shame, "I make out with it in the dark..." he confessed.

        "Ooooooooh!!!" We all chimed, "Someone just got BUSTED!" Fallout Dude said. I burst out laughing, I laughed so hard I fell on the floor and my ribs hurt. I laughed until Meatball spit into my face. Then I got up, it was on.

        "Ayeeayeeayeeayeeay!!!" I screamed my battle cry as we ran through the house, chasing each other, spitting at each other, (Spit wars are common in Phillydelphia) Headsplit pinned Meatball down and kept yo-yoing a blob of saliva in his face, right up until Fallout and I tackled them, once again starting the chase.

       After I knocked over a bookcase and broke a table, we decided to stop.

      "Hey, dude," I painted,"Do you have a Derpy doll in there, too? " he looked at me like I was crazy, or gay. "Not for me!" I said, "I thought Derpy was your favorite pony." He nodded, also panting from the war.

        "I have one for every human in the cannon. I steal them from my little sister." He mused, we all have him 'the look' and he rolled his eyes.

        "C'mon, guys! I'm joking!" He exclaimed, I don't think any of us believed him. "This is a chew toy for my dog, Feline!" He continued. " Plus, even if I did happen to make out with a toy, I would make sure it was Derpy!" Meatball raised an eyebrow at him.

        "The Applebloom doll is mine, but it's the only ones okay?" He lied, I had been to his house, he didn't know it, but while he was in the bathroom, I had snuck a peek into his closet. Believe me, there were more.

Fallout Dude, the Scare, and the Slug

        After a war, a confession, a lie, and a brief game of tug-of-war with Headsplit's doll, everyone voted to walk to Licorice and Lemon Drops, (an old fashion candy shop down the street from my house that sells candy for from 1¢ to $1.00 ) and spend $20.00 on a stash for the night.

        Halfway down the street, Meatball stopped,

        "Guys, I think we lost Fallout." he said.

        "Either that or he's using sneak mode and we just can't see his gamer tag." I joked, "Maybe he glitched out and left the game!" Headsplit was not amused.

         His phone dinged twice, then Meatball's and mine. I checked to see if I had gotten a text, nope, an email.

        "It's from F. D." I tapped the text and typed in my password, "He sent us a link labeled 'Cupcakes'. Probably a prank."

        When we got to the shop, I checked the text, waiting for my phone to die or my apps to delete themselves or something like that. I sat down at a chessboard table in the corner of the small store.

        "Want anything?" Headsplit asked. I shook my head and looked back down at my phone. It was a website called Fimfiction.net, and it was some sort of an MLH fanfiction site. It immediately took me to a story called Cupcakes.

        I read the first paragraph and started to wonder why Fallout had sent this... Then I got to the real reason he sent it, and I thought Pinkie Pie was his favorite human...

        "Feather Quill! We're ready to go!" Headsplit called as he paid for their loot. They had gotten four grocery bags full of sweets. Meatball choked on a wrapper as he shoved Tootsie Rolls into his mouth. When he got outside he spit out a huge glob of chocolate caramel with piece of wax paper stuck in it.

        "Now," he said, "what exactly were you doing on your phone for a half hour that was more important than looting a candy store with your bros?" I read it aloud to them as we walked back to my house. I had almost finished as we got to the driveway.

        "Ugh," I groaned, "I think I'm gonna be sick, that story plus two pounds of pure sugar do not equal a happy pony." I unlocked the front door and F. D. jumped out with a Pinkie Pie mask and straight pink wig on.

         " Oh, my BUCKING CELESTIA, DAMMIT!!!" I screamed, " SHE HAS COME TO HARVEST OUR INTERNAL ORGANS!!!" I think I peed a little, and I KNOW H. P. did, because a leetle puddle formed under his left hoof.

        I realized who it was and let out a sigh of relief, then I slugged him.

        "oops," I said weakly as he got up, nose bleeding, " if you look at it through my perspective, you kind of deserved it," Meatball and Headsplit looked like they were going to explode, they were trying not to laugh so hard.

Meatball, the Rant, and The End

        After H. P. cleaned himself up, Fallout's snout stopped bleeding, and Meatball almost laughed himself to death, the new episode started. We all huddled around the TV and sang along to the theme song. (We did better than last time!) Then, disaster struck, THE POWER WENT OUT!

        "NOOOOO!!!!!" Meatball cried, standing up, "NOT ON THE SEASON FINALE!!!" He fell to his knees, "WHY?!?! WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME?!?!"

        I got up and went to the garage to check the fuse box. As I reached to unlatch the cover, I noticed a burning smell.

        "OW!!" I yelped as I touched the handle with my hoof. In the words of Applejack, 'That dern door was hotter than the hinges on the gates. of hell'

        "Are you okay?" Fallout asked, peeking through the garage door, "I heard you yell," I nodded, and he went back inside. I grabbed an oil cloth and carefully opened it. No wonder the power went out, a wire had popped and the rubber was melting into the metal, causing everything to short circuit. I trotted back into the house and told the dudes what had happened, and that I had to call a GVEC guy to come and fix it. Meatball looked up, ears pricked.

         "I can fix that," he said, almost to himself, "I can save the day, like Twilight did in season one, when The Great and Powerful Trixie claimed to have vanquished the Ursa Major, and Snips and Snails brought the Ursa Minor into ponyville, She used a spell to lull it to sleep, and brought it back to its cave in the Everfree Forest."

        He was right, that was what happened in the episode, but the thing that REALLY mattered was that he might be able to fix it.

        I led him to the garage, and he immediately went to work on the wiring, his hands worked quickly, but carefully. We all watched in awe as he rewired and restarted the power, all with only an x-acto knife and a cigarette lighter.

        "And that," He said, apparently very proud of himself, "Is how you save the day,"

I gasped, the episode was almost already through. Meatball messed with the TV settings until the time setting jumped a half hour back. Meatball squealed as the theme song ended, causing many judging looks to be thrown his way.

        The episode was supposed to be very important. We all groaned as the purple human, Twilight Sparkle, burst into song, 'Morning in Ponyville shimmerrrrrrrs, Morning in Ponyville Shii-i-iiines' The rest of the episode was fairly good, though. Riiight up until Twilight turned into Twilicorn. It was then that Meatball and I EXPLODED.

        "WHAT THE HELL!!!" I shouted, "WHAT THE BUCKING HELL!!!" then it was Meatball's turn.

        "OH MY FREAKING CELESTIA!!! WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT?!?! WHAT THE BUCK!?!?" If I tried to bleep out the rest, it would sound like Morse code. So. Much. Twilicorn. So. Many. Curse words.

        After about an hour, Meatball became hoarse (get it? hoarse? it sounds like horse? eh? eh? aw, never mind,) and sat down.

        As for the rest of the night, we ding-dong ditched the neighbors, then ate about twenty pounds of candy, four ghost pepper enchiladas, (one each) and six cases of Sweet Apple Acres hard cider,  then we all passed out on the floor.

THE END