TCB: Celestia Gets Trolled

by The Rogue Gunslinger

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1429

A little crackfic of what would liekly happen to Celestia if meeting a different world of humans

Celestia failed, epically, at taking over the Earth. Very, very epically failed. Who knew she could fuck up that bad?

A crackfic/trollfic. [Fixed]

Published 2015-09-18 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-18 00:10:01 UTC

Trolled

Princess Celestia looked out over her kingdom. Unlike the world she had seen through the Veil, it was one of peace and harmony. To her, at least. The 'humans' she had discovered and studied, just now finding her research once again, were primitive. They had no magic, never bothered to talk peacefully. The appearance of a few over the centuries had only proved that.

It was because of that she had lied to her sister and her student. Neither Luna nor Twilight knew exactly what the new threat was, but they knew it was dangerous, she had convinced them of that. She told them that she would be moving Equestria herself to this new world to save the ponies there from chaos.

A chaos that was very nearly non-existent. You see, Celestia did not know that in a thousand years, mankind had jumped years ahead of Equestria. Even without magic that had far more advanced technology that would not develop in Equestria for decades, if not hundreds, of years.

Humans being a very chaotic species, Discord had been spying on them for his entire time in stone, and then some. He knew what Celestia did not, mankind would wind in the event of a war.

What ponies had, mankind had made for themselves. Ponykind had magic, mankind had technology. Ponies were strong themselves, humans had made machines far stronger. Ponies had swords, humans had guns, bombs, missiles, and so much more.

And it was this that doomed Celestia.

It was glorious year for all countries across the globe. There had been no new wars started and the old ones had finally settled. Peace treaties had been enacted and it seemed there would be no bloodshed for a long, long, time.

As such, not a single country on Earth could've expected that a war would come, no matter how short it would be.

It was at 8:40 am when Equestria appeared at 36.143185, -160.748640 latitude and longitude. It took a further fifteen minutes before the new country registered on the satellites and was seen by scientist in the first country that received the information. In this instance, it happened to be the United States of America.

After the matter was given a positive affirmation, the President issued an online press conference with the diplomatic leaders across the world.

"My dear friends, it would seem that without warning a new land has appeared in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. 36.143185, -160.748640 to be exact," he said, waiting for the translators to pass on the information to multiple countries. For the sake of storyline and plot, we'll ignore language barriers.

"Quite right there, old chap," The Prime Minister of England answered. "We detected her merely moments ago."

"Then you know about the cities?" The President addressed the Minister.

"Indeed, rather odd assortment aren't they?" He raised an eyebrow, smiling.

"Yes," answered Japan, "Colorful too."

"I assume you've already sent ships as well?" The president asked the Japanese diplomat.

"Yes, what about you Australia?" He addressed the Australian.

"Yup, be there as fast as a kangaroo," he said.

"Good," the president said, "Anyone else have ships inbound?"

The resounding nos echoed,and he spoke up once more, "Alright, we three will converse once our ships reach the location.

Celestia looked out at the ocean with a sigh. It appeared her aim had been off, however, the Barrier had begun its expansion. It might take hours before the humans would begin conversion but she would be sure that they would.

Now, we can very easily call Celestia stupid just because she even bothered to come to the planet, however, it was mostly foolish. Even more foolish was using thousand year old knowledge.

She had screwed herself before she had started. The Barrier had begun expanding and had expanded around yard from the small nation, and it was only 9:30 am. A couple of days later, the ships met up, satellites having failed against the barrier.

Even at this point, Equestria was within visual range, and well within enhanced distance technology. It was at this point, the ships slowed and got ready to anchor, sending reports to their countries.

Ponies, sir. Its nothing but ponies. Really colorful they are too. There are even pegasi and unicorns!

This message was quickly relayed to diplomats around the world. Of course, this took around another hour, in which time, due to Celestia finally managing to speed up her Barrier, Some of the ships had been overcome by the Barrier. The others, watching with horror as their comrades turned into horses as well, began reversing as fast as possible eventually clear enough to send another report.

They're all horses! Every single one of them!

They're gone! We can't hear them!

Of course, during this time Celestia had felt their presence pass through the Barrier and teleported in. What she was greeted by surprised her. The humans-turned-ponies were attempting to hold their guns.

"DAMN IT. I can't pick her up!" This came from a pony covered in camouflaged attire and a gruff look to him.

A response was yelled in Japanese from another ship.

"Oh shut it! You've been horsed too!" He yelled out, eliciting a rather angry sounding yell from the other ships. "Bah! You can't do shit either!"

Celestia got ready to speak only to be interrupted by another, younger, looking pony. "What the hell is that?"

"Fuck if I know! Its got some goddamn wings and a horn," growled the older man. "Probably their damn leader."

Celestia smiled, "Very apt! I see you humans can be smart when you try."

This got a collective deadpan from everyone, including the other ships, weirdly enough. "Well, she's rude."

"Ain't that the truth. #PonyLadyIsABitch," A younger soldier told his shipmates, getting a lot of nodding from them.

Celestia assumed 'bitch' was a deragotory term, "I will have you know, I am an Alicorn who is over a thousand years old and can control the Sun."

"CoughBullshitcough," said the same soldier. The rest of the people on the ship cracked up, as well as those on the other ships.

"Don't you know about science lady?' One of the laughing soldiers asked, "The Sun is 93 million miles away AND its over a thousand times the size of this planet. We ORBIT it."

"No. The Sun is only a fourth the size of the planet and it needs to be moved by magic," Celestia said matter of factly.

"Fine, try to move it," one of the soldiers snorted, almost tearing up. "I'll even throw in a million dollars if you can."

Celestia smirked and grabbed the Sun with her magic, willing it to move...Except, she couldn't. Not just that, but an explosion sent her back.

Quickly filled with rage, she flew off the deck of the ship, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SUN?"

One of the soldiers began to mock her, "Hey look at me," he had placed a toilet paper roll, who knew where from, and had splayed out his new wings, and began in a higher pitched voice, "I'm a pony lady who controls the Sun, I'm a thousand years old."

After enduring a few seconds of laughter she powered up a spell and fired, only to miss and to send the boats sailing backward with the waves.

As soon as the boats exited the Barrier, the people on board turne d human again. "Oh look! We're normal again!"

The people on board each ship cheered and the captain's started up the ships and called their countries as well as the other ships.

We're fine, once we left that magic wall thing, we turned human again. We needn't bother with the horses, they can't do anything.

Some hours later, Celestia was left alone in her castle, all residents of Equestria having returned home after sending a message saying they had no control over their mad princess and her ridiculous notions. At which time, the countries accepted their apologies and quarantined the island.

Once every resident had left, aside from Celestia, a ship was launched to make the area a new town.

The once-princess looked out her window and sighed, knowing she was doomed. Before she fell asleep, a stallion greeted her.

"It was foolish you know, attacking humans. They're not the greatest species but they are very, very, persistent and stubborn. You were doomed from the beginning, aside from that, thanks for bringing me back here. Its where I belong," he turned around and walked away.

Author's Note

Well, this exists now.