The Curious Predicament of The Princess of Friendship
By MidnightDancer
The little yellow filly bounced around Twilight Sparkle in a passable imitation of the self-same purple pony years ago. "YesyesYES! Thank you, Princess Twilight!"
Twilight chuckled, settling a wing gently on Apple Bloom's back to slow her bouncing. "Of course! I can always use help here, especially with Spike gone to help Princess Luna, and I think you might learn some very important lessons from it!" She beamed beatifically at Apple Bloom, who beamed right back.
"Gosh, Twilight, you sounded just like Princess Celestia! I guess bein' a Princess really does suit you." The playful jab was shaken off with grace, and the two ponies laughed together as they headed for the thrones. The Cutie Map was spread out before them, showing the entire land of Equestria and beyond. Apple Bloom's eyes widened as they approached. "So that there's the thing that sends y'all out on your missions?"
Smiling indulgently, Twilight nodded. "That's right! But as you can see, there's nothing up there today." She glanced at the door, brow furrowed slightly. "Which is good, since today is the day I start seeing petitioners."
Seeing Twilight's expression, Apple Bloom frowned. "But that's good, isn't it? Now ponies can come talk to ya about whatever's botherin' 'em."
Nodding, Twilight slid into her throne, a look of deep contemplation on her face. "It is, Apple Bloom. But, what if ponies don't like my advice? What if I do a bad job? What if I tell them the wrong thing to do? It's a lot of responsibility."
Apple Bloom hopped up into her sister's throne beside Twilight, beaming. "Yeah, but if Princess Celestia didn't think you could do it, I'm not so sure she woulda made ya a princess to begin with. I mean, you're one of the smartest ponies I know! I bet you do fine." The little filly nodded sagely, full of all the wisdom that comes with a whole entire eight years of life.
Twilight looked down into the filly's smiling face, and felt herself relax. "Maybe you're right. I just need to think critically and use my best judgement!" She stomped one hoof on her throne, a true smile finally gracing her features. "Alright, let's do this. Guards?"
Two pegasus guards, decked out in Solar armor, darted from the upper reaches of the castle to land solidly by the door. Twilight turned to Apple Bloom again, levitating a scroll to her. "Now, Apple Bloom, this is the order the first petitioners are in. I want you to be the one to announce them!"
Eyes widening, Apple Bloom took the list from Twilight, nodding her head so violently that Twilight feared it might break off. "O-of course, Princess Twilight!" The little filly saluted once, then cleared her throat. "*a-CHEM*. First Petitioner before the Court of Friendship will be Time Turner!"
The doors opened to admit a tan earth pony stallion, bright blue eyes darting from place to place and never alighting on any one thing too long. His eyes fixed on Twilight, and a relieved smile broke out across his face. "Princess!" Galloping to the center of the atrium, he stopped for a perfunctory bow.
Concerned, Twilight rose from her throne, trotting to stand before the Earth pony. "Are you alright, Time Turner?" She tilted her head at him, concerned, as he stood shakily and took a deep breath.
"Yes. Well, I say yes, but no. No-ish. Sort of?" He rubbed between his eyes with a hoof, taking a deep breath. "Okay. Right."
"Take your time. Let me know how I can help you today, okay?" The Princess smiled, sitting as regally as she supposed she could upon the floor as she watched the stallion take several deep, cleansing breaths. I wonder what's got him so worked up? She was vaguely concerned, given how trouble seemed to follow Time Turner wherever he went.
After one last breath, he smiled apologetically at Twilight. "Right. It's just... downright disorienting to wake up and find... find that I've been stolen from." At Twilight's gasp, he nodded sadly. "Indeed. I have in my possession down in my laboratory some of the most delicate and sensitive measuring equipment known to ponykind. I can measure the breath of an ant or the vibration of an atom or the scope of the Medusa Cascade itself." He was towering now, hooves beneath him solidly as Apple Bloom came and sat beside Twilight, sharing the awe of this pony. "I can see and measure the lifespans of foals born in two years' time, and the rise and fall of empires in the blink of an eye." Fire danced in the stallion's eyes, and for a moment, even Twilight quailed beneath his gaze, pulling Apple Bloom to her in an instinctive movement of protectiveness.
"All of this I can see and measure across space and time itself after decades, centuries of work. I can measure everything, Princess Twilight Sparkle..." Here, he paused in his tirade, lip beginning to quiver. Confused, Twilight sat up straighter as the stallion finally broke down. "But now that somepony stole my most prized possession... I can't make my eggs!" He finally gave in, sobbing, as Twilight blinked in surprise.
"Your... your eggs...?" The Princess tilted her head the other way, glancing down at Apple Bloom, who wore a similar mask of confusion.
"Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Turner, but how do eggs figure into measurin' time n' space?"
Time Turner threw out his hooves, exasperated. "Don't you see?! Without my most precious instrument, my eggs are doomed! Eggs are one of nature's own most delicate things, both in physical form and in recipes! If it's boiled even a second too long, the egg is tough and unappealing! Boiled a second to early, and the egg is mushy and runny and I hate runny eggs!" He collapsed to the floor dramatically, flailing his hooves. "But somepony stole my precious and oft-coveted egg timer, precisely calibrated to the exact right time to boil an egg at 212° Fahrenheit for the most perfect boiled eggs known to ponykind!"
Apple Bloom swallowed the laughter running up her throat, clearing it a bit too loudly as she glanced at Twilight. For her part, Twilight Sparkle looked incredulously down at the pony below her. "And, Mr. Turner, I assume you need me to find it, somehow?"
"Of course! Your magic is the strongest in the land! I'm sure you could make a homing spell, or something!"
"Mr. Turner... is it possible you misplaced it? I have been to your home to speak at length on magical theory and the applications of time magic and trust me, I did enjoy those sessions! But... maybe it's just not where you thought you left it?" Twilight reached out a hoof, pulling Time Turner gently to his hooves. "We need to at least entertain that possibility."
"I've looked everywhere, Princess, I swear! It's... gone." His ears drooped low.
Twilight and Apple Bloom just looked at each other, the former rather blankly and the latter with high confusion. Taking the initiative, Apple Bloom stepped forward. "Beg your pardon once more, sir, but if'n you're good at buildin' all this time stuff, can't ya just build a new one?"
Time Turner blinked, then looked down, scuffing a hoof against the tiling. "I didn't... build it, exactly. I just added a spring to an existing egg timer to make it go off at the ACTUAL best time."
"So..."
"But the timer was shaped like an adorable cow. I haven't been able to find the like!" His nose nearly touched the floor at his head bowing, and he glanced up under his ruffled mane at Twilight. "Please, Princess. My cutie mark is in Time, not in Finding Stuff."
Twilight just sighed. "Alright, alright." She concentrated, a ball of magenta light building at her horn before detaching and zooming from the castle. The three ponies sat quietly, Twilight's eyes closed, until the ball returned a moment later, settling on her horn and imparting its information wordlessly. She opened her eyes.
"Derpy Hooves has it. I imagine she simply meant to borrow it and forgot. She's a good pony, I'm sure she didn't mean to." She smiled lightly. "And it is awfully cute. I'm sure if you just remind her, she'll give it back." At Time Turner's answering nod, Twilight let the stress flow from her body finally. "Alright. Was there anything else I can help you with?"
"Nope!" With that, the newly energized stallion cantered from the throne room, multi-colored scarf flagging out behind him. Somewhat grumpily, Twilight plodded back to her throne and sat down.
"He can be really forgetful sometimes... he's a brilliant stallion, just a little scatterbrained." Sitting up straight again as Apple Bloom hopped up beside her, Twilight summoned her smile again. "But hey, that was sort of a friendship problem, and we solved it! So! What's next for us, Apple Bloom?"
Clearing her throat again, the filly sat up straighter, peering at the paper before her. "The next Petitioner before the Court of Friendship is Roseluck!"
The door opened again, admitting the cream colored earth pony mare to the throne room. She dropped in a perfunctory bow to the Princess, clearly favoring her right foreleg, before rising. Left foreleg still held a few inches off the floor, she shook her rose mane from her eyes and addressed Twilight. "Princess, I've run into a bit of a problem, and I was hoping you could help me out."
Twilight smiled, nodding gracefully. "Of course. What can I do to help out, Roseluck?"
"Well... you know how I run my flower stand with the other girls, Lily and Daisy, right?"
Twilight nodded, smiling happily. "Of course! You three grow the most beautiful flowers in Equestria!"
"Right, well, about that..." Roseluck rubbed one foreleg against the other unconsciously, wincing away suddenly as if hurt. "The thing is, we got into... a bit of a disagreement. It got a little physical."
Eyes widening, Twilight again descended her throne. "Oh no! Is everypony okay? What happened?" She draped a concerned wing over the flower pony, who bowed her head sadly, sniffling.
"W-Well, Lily said that her flowers were the best. And we've always worked together and promoted each other's wares because it's just been a good business model for us, you know? So I asked her what she meant by that, a-and she said roses were stupid because even if they taste good, they look awful and the th-thorns aren't worth dealing with and..." Roseluck broke off there, a small sob escaping her as Twilight pulled her closer with a downy wing.
"Shh, shh. It's okay now, you're here, and we can figure out what to do to repair your friendship."
"O-Oh. No we... we patched it up. It's just still raw, you know? But she said sorry and we made up." Wiping a foreleg across her nose, she turned her watery green eyes to Twilight's. "It's just, during the argument, she threw a bushel of my best Buck Roses at me." At Twilight's blank stare, Roseluck sighed. "They're quite thorny..."
"I see. Well, physical violence is never the way to solve problems—" Twilight was cut off from a loud sneeze from Apple Bloom that sounded suspiciously like aaah ahhh chhhhhhhhhhhanglings, but elected to ignore it. "But I'm glad you two worked it out." Gears in her head turned and thunked into place finally, and she raised an eyebrow. "So... what is it I can help with? Lingering feelings of betrayal? Advice on how to make sure such a rift doesn't occur again?"
Roseluck blinked up at her one last sniffle leaving her muzzle. "Oh no, of course not. Just, when she threw those roses at me, well, they cut me. On my foreleg." She raised her left foreleg, presenting Twilight with a gash roughly a hoof length long down her knee. "It hurts a bunch, and I'm scared it might get infected."
Twilight dropped her wings back to her side, sighing. "So you want me to..."
"To fix it up. I can't sell food with a bleeding leg! Market has been open for over an hour now, and I need to fix this so I can get back to my stand!"
"Roseluck... you... you literally just need a bandage wrap."
The earth pony nodded emphatically. "So, can you help me?"
Repressing the urge to rub her temples, Twilight couldn't contain her curiosity. "Why didn't you just bandage it with your first aid kit at home?" At Roseluck's blank stare at that concept, Twilight sighed. "Fine, but why not go see Nurse Redheart?"
"Your castle thing is closer to market than the hospital is."
Biting back an exasperated sigh, Twilight took another deep, cleaning breath. "Oh, Apple Bloom? If you'd be so kind."
Taking the hint, the filly cantered off to the kitchen, returning with a large white box gripped in her mouth. Opening it carefully, she removed a roll of gauze, some antibiotic cream, some alcohol wipes, and finally some medical tape from it, standing each aid next to each other beside the Princess. "Roseluck," began Princess Twilight, "you work with roses. It is almost inevitable something like this will happen. I will show you how I do this. Then I want you to trot over to Barnyard Bargains and buy a first aid kit.."
Huffing, Roseluck presented her leg to Twilight, who started off by tearing the alcohol wipe packet with her hooves and rubbing them on Roseluck's wound. "I—oh Celestia, that burns!—I don't usually get hurt. This is the first time. I can't do stuff like this," she gestured with her good foreleg at the neat application of antibiotic cream Twilight was gently rubbing onto the wound. "My cutie mark is in rose growing, not first aid!"
Finally allowing herself a small eyeroll, Twilight finished wrapping up the wound and taping it in place. "Just... just go easy on it for a few days. Wash and change the bandages as needed, like I just showed you, with the first aid kit you will purchase today."
Sensing the Princess' apparent annoyance, Roseluck bowed. "Of... of course. I'm sure I can get somepony to help me with it..." She bowed once more to the Princess, before turning to hobble from the throne room.
Apple Bloom fidgeted on her sister's throne beside Twilight. "Um, Twilight?"
Forcing a calm smile on her face, she turned to the filly. "Yes, Apple Bloom?"
"Does gettin' a cutie mark make ponies stupid?"
Dragging a hoof down her face, Twilight shook her head. "Did getting your cutie mark make you stupid?"
"Eenope."
"Alright then. They're not stupid, just... they're doing stuff they're not used to. That's why they're coming here for help." Nodding vigorously to herself at this excuse, she smiled, this time a bit more relaxed. "Now, who's next?"
"But... but basic first aid?"
Grinding her teeth in frustration, Twilight turned back to the filly. "Who. Is next. Apple. Bloom."
"Right, right." Sparing Twilight a sidelong glance, she continued. "Ahem. The next Petitioner before the Court of Friendship is Doctor Stable!"
The doctor pushed past the guards brusquely, trotting efficiently to the table before the throne. His brief bow revealed, surprisingly, a lamp balanced carefully on his back. Curious, Twilight signaled for him to rise. "Greetings, Doctor Stable. What can I help you with today?"
"My lamp, Princess." He carefully removed it from his back, setting the brass base down on the table with a clunk. "It doesn't work."
"I see." Twilight thought for a second, then brightened. "So, did it stop working after you lent it to somepony?"
The stallion's face twisted in confusion. "No, no. Just, when I went to turn on the light switch last night when I got home, it wouldn't turn on. It doesn't work."
"Ah." Twilight studiously ignored the little filly beside her who was rubbing her face with a hoof. "And, Doctor Stable, did you check the lightbulb?"
He snorted. "It has one, Princess. I'm a doctor, for Celestia's sake. I'm not an idiot."
Holding out a placating hoof, Twilight nodded. "No, of course not! I know you're a very bright stallion, Doctor Stable, and I can't thank you enough for patching up Rainbow Dash as often as you d—" She stopped dead, eyes widening and then narrowing ever so slightly. "So, out of curiosity, Doctor, did you happen to see Roseluck outside when you were waiting to be seen?"
The doctor brightened visibly, and he nodded. "Oh, yes. We had a lovely discussion about April Moons. They're my favorite. Said she'd make sure to keep a batch for me when they're ready to be harvested."
"Ah. She saw a doctor outside. An actual medical professional and... you know what? Doesn't matter. Moving on. Anyway, back to your petition." She entirely ignored that Apple Bloom had tumbled from her sister's throne entirely and was currently curled under the table, shaking with silent laughter.
"Yes!" He nudged the lamp across the crystalline table, the screeeeek of brass on crystal liable to haunt Twilight's dreams thereafter. "Can you fix it?"
"Sure! Let's go over what you tried first, so we don't repeat any steps and waste time." Twilight plastered an uncomfortable smile on her face, looking at the brass monstrosity.
"Well, I flicked the light switch on the wall. It didn't work. So then I looked, and there's a lightbulb in there. So I went back to the light switch and flicked it a couple more times and nothing happened." Doctor Stable nodded solemnly. "That's why I brought it here, I knew if anypony knew what to do, it'd be our resident Princess!"
Biting her lip, Twilight inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Lifting the lamp in her magic, Twilight trotted to a power outlet situated next to her favorite reading chair in the throne room. Carefully, she plugged in the lamp, and then flicked the knob below the light bulb.
Her eyes slammed shut as she had been, she internally admitted, stupidly staring at the light bulb as she turned it on and a wash of radiance bathed the room. Flicking it off a bit more forcefully than necessary, Twilight turned, blinking the light spots from her eyes, and deposited the lamp back on the floor beside a thrilled Doctor Stable. "Doctor Stable? I have a question."
"Of course, Princess!"
"Do you remember when you were taking the lamp out of your home to bring it here?" Twilight settled back on the throne, shaking her head violently in a futile attempt to clear the spots.
Doctor Stable thought for a second, then nodded. "Yes. I simply picked it up from the table and carried it out. Easy."
As Twilight groaned softly, Apple Bloom piped up. "Excuse me for interruptin', but I reckon the Princess has a bit of a headache after that light. So, y'all don't remember unpluggin' it before you left?"
Silence fell between the three ponies.
Doctor Stable cleared his throat. "Well. No, I don't."
"Oh, well that's an easy fix then! Whenever y'all get home, just make sure it's plugged up before ya try ta switch it on!" While Apple Bloom's explanation was provided with earnest, childish helpfulness, Twilight Sparkle sunk lower in her throne, groaning.
As she predicted, Doctor Stable bristled. "Well... well it's not like I'm a line tech, or something, little miss! I'm a doctor! My cutie mark is in healing ponies, not fixing lamps!" Huffing, he tossed the lamp onto his back, trotting out in high-hoofed indigence as Twilight straightened on her throne.
"Apple Bloom, I'm not saying you gave him the wrong advice. I'm not even saying you did that on purpose."
"Did what?"
"You sounded super sarcastic." Twilight rubbed her temples, the start of a headache forming. "But you're a filly, and a nice one at that, so I know you weren't."
"I mean, maybe a tiny bit." Apple Bloom smiled innocently at Twilight, who, after the day she'd had, finally broke down into hysterical laughter. Apple Bloom looked on, slightly concerned, as Twilight's mane became more wild-looking by the moment.
"Ohhh, Apple Bloom! Don't you see? Princess Celestia must be playing a prank on me!"
"A... a prank? Would Princess Celestia do that, Twilight?" Apple Bloom cocked her head, trying to wrap her head around the idea.
Twilight nodded. "Oh, yes! She does when she can. She can be really sneaky! I bet she's about to walk through those doors with a 'gotcha, Twilight!' and we can all have some tea and cake!" Her mane settled down as that calming thought reached her. "After all, there's no way those particular ponies are that dumb."
Apple Bloom thought for a second. "Wait, those particular ponies? There's some y'all do think're dum—"
"Hush!" A violet hoof smooshed firmly against Apple Bloom's lips. "I hear hoofsteps!"
Indeed, the hoofsteps belying a gait much longer than that of even the town's tallest stallion approached the door. Twilight sat up expectantly, smoothing down the last bits of her frazzled mane, before reaching over to give Apple Bloom's bow a quick straightening. "Aaaany second now..." she whispered to the filly.
To their surprise, three faint knocks were heard at the door. The guards immediately opened them, no doubt coming to the same deduction as Twilight as to the owner, and stepped back and bowed deeply as Princess Celestia entered. With a happy squeak, Twilight Sparkle dashed to her mentor, crossing necks with her briefly. "Princess Celestia! Oh, you really got me... good?"
Finally taking a good look into the Sun Princess' face, Twilight could see a gauntness and a tiredness she did not recall seeing on the ruler's face since before the return of Luna. Concerned, Twilight led Celestia to the comfortable reading chair, wordlessly gesturing for her to sit. As Celestia got settled, both Twilight and Apple Bloom sat nearby.
"Are you alright, Princess? You look so tired... did something happen?" Twilight leaned forward, taking stock of the ruler's state before sitting back again, sly smile on her face. "Although... must have been pretty tiring, setting me up all those pranks today! Ha!"
Twilight found herself staring into Celestia's uncomprehending, heavily bagged, rose eyes. "What... pranks? Twilight, I've barely been able to attend to matters of state, let alone worry about setting up pranks to mess with you! And on your first day of petitions? Do you really think I'd do that?"
Twilight's mouth opened to present a rebuttal, but was interrupted. "She surely does!"
Twilight glared at the beaming Apple Bloom, who immediately looked contrite. "Oh, uh, sorry." The little filly cleared her throat, dropping into a passable curtsey. "I mean, she surely does, Your Highness."
Despite her obvious weariness, Celestia chuckled, patting Apple Bloom on the head. "You need not stand on ceremony with me, my little pony. And don't call me Shirley." Tipping the giggling filly a wink, Celestia turned her attention back to Twilight. "But a matter has arisen that threatens, on a medical level, my very sanity, dear Twilight."
Shivering, Twilight reflexively pulled Apple Bloom close under a wing again. "What is it? An ancient evil? A dangerous artifact? A benign artifact that houses an ancient evil?!" Slowly and wearily, Celestia shook her head.
"No. You see... normally, and you've probably noticed by now, Twilight, alicorns do not need sleep. However, we do need to sleep at least once a year. It helps recharge our magical fonts, and helps stave off the sleepless insanity that will take normal ponies only a week to achieve." Twilight nodded along, concerned. "But... while Luna can bring the night from her diplomatic mission, she cannot bring me sleep."
Twilight blinked.
"Why don't you just... go lay down? Close your eyes?"
Heaving a sigh, Celestia patted Twilight's head just as indulgently as she had Apple Bloom's. "Silly Twilight. My cutie mark, and my domain, are over the day and the sun. I cannot get to sleep without assistance, and Luna is not here."
Twilight Sparkle's eye twitched.
Spike raised his head, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He glanced across at the moonlit window, where Princess Luna stood silhouetted. "Princess? Did you... did you hear that?"
Luna nodded, eyes narrowing as she looked out the window, down to the craggy spires below. "It sounded like a scream. It did not, however, sound like the scream of a dragon, which I am currently surrounded by." Her ear flicked. "Seems to be coming from a long way off, as well."
Spike thought for a second as the scream continued, then smiled beatifically. "Oh. Princess, what's today?"
"Tuesday, by my mark."
"Of course it is." Concerns assuaged, the little dragon rolled back over in his bed, curling up as Twilight's elongated scream of frustration finally stopped.
Author's Note
[CONCERNED CRIES OF DISTRESS]
Inspired and written solely because of my job.
The great thing about consumer electronics is that they're available to everyone!
The main drawback, of course, is that they're available to everyone.
Helped along by Mr101, FoughtDragon01, KillerSteel, and Axel Nyan during a Skype chat. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.
Yes, I'm aware cutie marks just indicate a 'special' talent, not 'only' talent. I'm aware that ponies (and people) are capable of doing so many different things.
Now, if only they would stop using their current professions as an excuse for not knowing simple, common knowledge things!
