1. AIs have a sense of humor too!
10th of Winter Season, 10,056 AC
Present Day
As the jumpship Storm Cloud orbited near the rings of a deep purple gas giant, trouble had broken out in the ship’s cockpit.
“What do you mean the replicators can’t make more Zap Apple jam?” Blue Lightning shouted, the machine next to him flashing red lights, much to his dismay.
Maybe if you didn’t abuse that function so much, it’d still work. A voice said, lacking in inflection entirely. Though SHADOW didn’t need much more than word choice to get under his pilot’s skin.
“Maybe if you didn’t switch it off just to mess with me, it’d still work!” Blue huffed as he tried keying in an apple into the machine with a hoof, only to be met with similar results. “...or maybe it’s just busted.” Blue sighed. “SHADOW, run a diagnostic on the replicator system.”
It’s just that unit, you featherbrain. Maybe if you left the cockpit, you could get something to eat.
“Fine,” Blue said, “But if you let the ship fall out of orbit again…”
The situation was under control. I just calculated that the best way to calculate the surface density of that moon was to crash the ship into it. For science.
“And we’re absolutely sure you’re not defective?”
As far as the techs know.
“Have I told you you’re insufferable sometimes?”
2,352 times, Blue. I take pride in my consistency.
“Sure you do.” Just then, red warning lights began flashing wildly on the console. “What in the-”
Several contacts detected rounding the giant behind us. They must have used the ion storms in the planet’s atmosphere to mask their jump signatures.
“What are we looking at?”
One Pegasus fleet carrier, plus escorts. We are so outgunned it isn’t funny. We have an incoming hail, want me to put it onscreen, or do you fancy us getting shot down?
“Onscreen.” The display in front of Blue flickered to life, showing the face of a scarred beige pegasus mare with blood red eyes.
“This is Colonel Sandstorm of the Imperial Carrier Cloudsdale. Unidentified vessel, you’re in a restricted area, and you’d better have a damned good reason you’re in the system without authorization.” Blue pressed the mute button on the comms, before sighing deeply.
“SHADOW, I thought you said this system was uninhabited?”
There are no colonies in this system on record…
“Well, this is what I get for traveling through Imperial space.” Blue pressed the button again. “This is Blue Lightning with the Galactic Express jumpship Storm Cloud. I wasn’t aware of this system’s restricted status, and I’ll depart immediately once my ship is at speed.” Sandstorm narrowed her eyes.
“Likely story. I’m under orders to take any trespassers into custody, so don’t make any sudden course changes or I’ll blow you out of this Celestia-damned sky. Sandstorm out.” With that, the screen blinked to black, leaving Blue slack-jawed in his seat.
Are we going to comply, or make a break for it?
“The better question,” Blue replied, “Is whether or not the Storm Cloud can outrun the Gunships long enough to make the jump into Earth Pony space.” Blue tapped his chin with a hoof. “There were no Restricted Access beacons in-system when we jumped in, so I have to assume Col. Sandstorm is flying rogue. Are we in position for a gravity whip?”
We’re in a position to get whipped. Blue glared at the camera on the ship’s dashboard. Do all ponies have no sense of humor? And you call us AI dull. We’re in position, ready to get our flanks gone on your mark. Blue pressed the confirmation command on his console, and with a groan, the Storm Cloud’s engines began to accelerate it, picking up speed as the ship began to whip around the gas giant. Pursuing Gunships have opened fire, but at this range, their fire is either inaccurate or inneffectual. It almost tickles! Blue facehoofed.
“Just get us out of here before we’re a specific kind of cheese.” The ship shook and groaned, almost listing to one side. “What was that?”
Critical damage to one of the starboard thruster clusters. We’re going to have to break orbit soon, or we’re kissing atmo.
"Do we have enough speed?" Blue asked, as yanking frantically with both hooves and wings on the controls in an attempt to stabilize the ship.
We won't have enough speed without that cluster unless we crash into the planet. Blue madly flipped through menus with his wings, causing several different red lights to ignite on the console.
"I've disabled the safety restrictions, just get us out of here!"
Where--
"Anywhere! Just get us out of Pegasus space!"
If you say so, hotshot. With several warning sirens going off all around, the stars became a blur, and the Storm Cloud jumped from the system.
The tingle of the FTL passed as space resumed around the Storm Cloud. Looking around at the displays, Blue cocked an eyebrow.
"SHADOW, where are we?"
To be honest, I punched coordinates in at random... are we dead?
"Just tell me about the surrounding area- then we'll decide."
There's a lot of... nothing. Blue's heartbeat stopped cold.
"N-nothing? There has to be a star, a planet, something!" Then Blue saw a blip on his display. "There- a star system not too far out. What's the status of our engines?"
Utterly fucked. Blue put a hoof on his temple.
"Care to elaborate?"
Well, the cluster the Pegasi shot is still offline, and we're running on auxiliary power. Must have ran into an ion storm during the jump.
"Can the reactor be fixed?"
I don't know, can it? I don't exactly have the means to repair it myself. We have the parts, but let's hope you can do some DIY mechanical work.
"Have I told you I hate you?"
7,632 times. You ask like you don't know!
"If you were a pony, I'd smack you."
I know. Good luck storming the castle, buddy! If you need instructions, I'll try not to blow you up.
"How encouraging."
I try. Sighing again, Blue got up from his chair and began to make the hike to the reactor core.
Blue pulled himself from beneath the Dark Matter reactor, his face streaked with oil stains. He brought up a display with a flick of his wing, and with a couple wing strokes, the reactor whirred to life.
“Finally. Feels like it’s been days!” Blue exclaimed.
It’s been four hours and twenty-five minutes, Blue. You’re getting sloppy.
“Hey, this isn’t one of those fairy tales where I can just blast the broken reactor with a friendship laser and be done with it.” Blue shook his head. “Now that we’ve got primary power, how about be see to getting to that star system?” As he says that, red lights and an alarm flare to life around him. “I thought I told you to cut the damage alerts!”
We have a planet-sized object approaching fast- it’s practically on top of us!
“Why didn’t you mention this sooner?”
I was blind.
“SHADOW, see if you can’t use the directional thrusters to get a landing solution that doesn’t end with us as space dust.”
Last time I took control of a moving spaceship, I got a speeding ticket from the space cops.
“Just do it!” Blue shouted, before breaking into a gallop towards the hyperlift. “I’ll get up there as soon as I can!”
Just so you know- If I die, it’s your fault.
“Noted.” Blue clammered into the hyperlift, doors sliding shut behind him. As the lift hissed through the ship, Blue fluttered his wings anxiously. They couldn’t find purchase on the air or anything, but it felt like it was the one thing that would keep him up here, instead of a smear on some space rock. The lift doors slid open, and Blue began his mad dash across the lion’s share of the ship left between him and the bridge.
Sweet Celestia, mother of Equus, have mercy on us, for we have cookies and you’re nice and-- Blue sped through the bridge doors.
“Shut up and give me the situation!” he yelled, before looking out the viewscreen. The sight that greeted him was a black disk, blotting out starlight behind it. It covered nearly the entire field of view of the screen, and was growing larger by the second.
Planetoid measures 1.3x the mass of Equus, minimal atmosphere, and seems to be made mostly of some kind of silliconic compound. Oh, and it’s going to hit us. Soon.
“How soon?”
Very. Five minutes or less, depending on what you want to do.
“Vector in a landing point, preferably somewhere flat.”
The surface is really jagged and uneven… There! A canyon in the Southern Hemisphere. Should be flat enough for a safe landing.
“Should?”
We have more of a chance than anywhere else, featherbrain.
“Understood.” Grasping the control sticks, Blue’s eyes narrowed. “Angle us for an approach. I’ll take care of the final touches.” A green light flashed on the console in an affirmative, and the cockpit screen lit with the flames of re-entry. Screaming metal and flashing lights greeted Blue when he entered atmosphere. The Storm Cloud was never meant to land on a planet, after all. Ahead, in the darkness, the light from the relatively nearby sun showed Blue his first glimpse of the planet. Great crystalline spires of dark crystal rose high above the surroundings, and the ground beneath them was broken, shattered, even. Blue couldn’t take long to admire the scenery though, because just ahead laid a narrow strip of relatively flat ground. There was only one problem.
“Uhh, SHADOW?” Blue stammered. “That is really narrow!”
Well, what do we do? Blue pondered for a moment.
“Charge the mining laser. Fire at formations that have the highest probability of collision.” With as much finesse as he could muster, Blue lowered the goliath jumpship into the canyon. The ship rocked and creaked as it crashed through crystalline spires. As the ship continued to descend, bright spears of light shot from the ship, carving white-hot holes in the walls of the canyon. Moments later, the ship slammed into the ground, shuddering and shrieking as metal met rock, and after a tense minute of sliding, the Storm Cloud finally came to a halt. Blue let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and his tense body relaxed, his wings falling at his sides.
“Good job, SHADOW. We did it.”
Oh. We did. There was a moment of silence. All my planning was for a scenario where we were both dead.
Blue facehoofed.
“Glad to know you were confident.”
I was plenty confident… that we were going to die. ...in my defense.
“Sure you were.” Blue leaned back in his chair. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am exhausted, and I’m going to take a nap. Wake me when the aliens attack.”
Sensors don’t detect any--
“Then don’t wake me! Jeez…” With that, Blue Lightning took a nap in his pilot’s chair.
