Patty Cake Battle!

by realmjumper

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Spitfire, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1950

A nonsensical parody battle between Applebloom and Spitfire.

This is a short, stupidly funny story of a battle between Spitfire and an young adult version of Applebloom.

I am totally making fun of as many anime/anime cliches I can.

DBZ, Naruto, Bleach, Every final rival showdown, and too late romance in animes. (These are according to me for the sake of being silly. Hope you enjoy)

Also LunaDerp for the win

Published 2015-09-18 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-18 23:00:02 UTC

Out of Mah' Bar!

Spitfire sat with her friends, drinking the day away on one of the rare days off she had from Wonderblot training.

Slamming the tankard down, she gave a loud gasp of pleasure, sucking in the sweet air, only made sweeter by the cider that danced upon her tongue in such a wonder way, she wanted to sing.

“AAAhhh, that hit the spot!”

“Which spot?” Soarin asked, a goofy grin on his face. He swayed slightly, his cheeks a little red tinged.

“All of them.” Spitfire laughed. “I'll tell you, this Apple Cider is the stuff! Hey, tender, get me another, will ya?”

Apple Bloom sighed, filling up a fifth tankard for the flying captain, giving it to Sweetie Belle, who took it to the fiery Pegasus. “Do us all a fav',” She asked, as Sweetie Bell gave the large cup, filled to the brim with the simmering, amber liquor to the thirsty Pegasus. “An' take it easy? Ah' don't wan'na cut ya off b'fore noon.”

Spitfire, however, wasn't listening, already guzzling down the foamy beverage like a horse dying of thirst. “Another!” She crowed after slamming it down.

The bartender could only sigh, as she started to fill another cup. She was stopped by the sound of a slap, then a smack.

“OW!” Spitfire shouted, getting the attention of the whole bar.

Sweetie Belle was glowering at her, hoof still raised. “That's NOT on the menu! If you want a dessert, buy dinner first!”

Spitfire glowered at the white unicorn, with a microphone inside of a pink heart for a cutie mark. “You bare wench! How dare you smack me?! Do you know who I am?!?” The yellow flight captain's face was becoming orange with rage as her many drinks began mixing with her judgment.

“The pony Ah'm a'bout ta' cut off!” Apple Bloom answered for her friend.

Scootaloo, walked over to Spitfire's side from the bar door. “Come'on.” She said in a practiced neutral voice, that spoke of volumes of boredom. “I'll call a sky cab.” She placed a hoof on Spitfire's shoulder.

“Don't.” Spitfire looked over her shoulder, standing up so fast that Scootaloo missed it, even without blinking. The Wonderbolt moved her hooves in a curious way, tapping them together, then thrusting them out, catching the orange mare in the chest, blasting her across the bar to crash against the wall. “Touch me!”

The bar went dead still. Spitfire gave a cocky smirk, sitting down, crossing her legs and waved for her drink.

Apple Bloom brought it over, a raging fire in her eyes. Setting it down lightly on the wooden table, she looked at the smirking captain, who merely raised her eyebrows in reply.

“Neat trick.” The bartender commented, her hoof still on the wooden cup. In a blur of movement, she tapped a curious tempo on the table, her chest and back the tankard, taping it three times.

Spitfire snorted, picking up the tankard, putting it to her lips. As she started to take a long sip, the wooden container exploded in her face, showering her with foam and cider.

“But, ya' ain't the only one who can Patty Cake.” Apple Bloom snorted. “Na'h out of mah' bar!”

Spitfire, after coughing and sputtering the liquid out of the wrong pipe, stood, noses to nose with the bartender. “You'll pay for that!”

In a flash, Apple Bloom tapped a quick tempo with both hooves, then threw one out, but it was caught by Spitfire's own hoof. Spitfire released her grip on Apple Bloom's hoof, to clap her own, tap her chest and do a double slap to the bartender, who caught the attack.

Spitfire smirked. “Settle this outside like real mares?”

“Only if ya' don't fly off like a crow like a rattl'r.” Apple Boom quipped.

The bar erupted in 'oooohhhhhhh' at the burn.

“Callin' me a crow?” Spitfire challenged.

“Nah' that'd be 'n insult.” Apple Bloom replied coolly. “To the crow maybe.”

A second 'OOOOHHHHH' ran through the bar.

Spitfire clenched her teeth, snarling at the younger pony. “You'll pay for that!”

“Ya said that already, an' actually.” Apple Bloom smiled. “You'll be payin'. Yer' tab is still open. Generous of ya ta buy the whole bar a round of drinks.”

This was received with a whooping round of applause.

Spitfire, at a loss for words, and head to far gone with drink, stamped her hind hooves in a quick tattoo, and pushed again with her fore hooves. Apple Bloom was blasted back, demolishing a few chairs and tables before she slide to a stop.

Getting up slowly Apple Bloom eyed her opponent, who seemed rather pleased with herself, flexing her forelegs and wings in dramatic poses, to the approval of her drunk friends.

Apple Bloom tapped a rhythm with her front hooves, starting to chant “Patteeeee, patteeeeee, Pattteeeeeeeeee-” Spitfire looked at what the younger pony was doing. “CAAAAAAAAKKE!” Thrusting two hooves forward, a beam of light and plasma rushed to Spitfire, who was striking a Super Stallion Pose, catching her full in the chest, launching her out of the bar, via wooden wall, and into a tree, where she crumpled.

“Ouch.” Spitfire got to her hind hooves. “Looks like this won't be over in ten seconds, like Dashie.”

Apple Bloom strutted forward, out of the dust cloud, her hooves working over time, as she tapped complicated rhythms on with her hooves, slapping her body in time with her steps, mumbling different rhymes.

Spitfire started doing the same, her hooves moving at blinding speed, as she created different rhymes off the top of her drunken head.

“Patty cake, daddy bake, with whole. Wheat. Bran. He called it sweet and cooked it in a CAAAAAANNNN!”

Both ponies shot focused plasma at each other, meeting in the middle, for a blinding explosion. Before Spitfire could blink, Apple Bloom, quite literally, moved so fast in front of her that it seemed like she teliported. The Patty Cake strikes caught her off guard, as she took several to the chest, stomach, a few to the face, strangely a few to her inner thighs, and one particularly painful one to her kidney. She dropped like a stone.

“Ah' don't know why Dash com'pairs 'erself ta you..” Apple Bloom said, easily. “At least she can last ten seconds.”

Spitfire groaned. “I already made that joke.”

Apple Bloom looked a little disappointed. “Well, yer' cut off for the day.”

The yellow earth pony walked away, making her way back to the bar, where several spectator were peeking out of the Spitfire shaped hole in the wall with wide eyes.

“Hey,” Spitfire, struggled to her hooves. “Don't count me out yet.” She threw her head back and channeled all her Patty Cake Rage, PCR for short, into a loud battle cry, energy rushing through her body, forcing her mane up into a spiky golden form, as an energy aura blazed around her. “I still have bits left for a continue!”

She dashed forward, catching Apple Bloom off guard, launching her in the air with a mighty fifty strike blow, which only took a millisecond to tap out because....because....Reasons.

“HAH! That's how it's done!” She pumped a foreleg up in victory.

Her victory was short lived though, as a kick lifted her into the air, rendering her wings useless. A shadowy form followed behind her.

“Continues? Really?” Apple Bloom's kick caught her in the side, driving all wind out of Spitfire's lunges. “That's so lame, Ah've seen ah three legged cow hobble better'n ya' lame come backs.”

Apple Bloom spun in air, defying gravity because, because, PCR, driving Spitfire to the ground, creating a large creator in the middle of Ponyville, spreading a massive dust cloud of destruction that leveled everything, but the bar in it's wake.

Before the dust could even settle, Spitfire was back in Apple Bloom's face, wielding a large sword, that seemed to come out of nowhere, only to be met with Apple Blooms's own katanna. They hacked and slashed at each other, their PCR levels rising, till they both yelled out, “Baker Stallion!” in which their swords exploded into exotic forms as they continued fighting on.

The epic sword fight, mixed with energy blasts, terrible puns and awful one liners, kept going, until all of Equestria was in ruins. Soon, too soon, there was nothing but a desolate, barren battle ground where Equestria once stood, as Spitfire and Apple Bloom struggled to fight on.

“You'll never understand!” Spitfire yelled out, tears falling down her face. “You have all the cider in the world! You can have it everyday! I only can have it once a month! Do you know how torturous that is?!”

Apple Bloom blocked the onslaught of angry slashes, before counting with her own.

“You think I asked for this?!” She demanded, as Spitfire struggled to block her own frenzy. “I'm a barkeeper because that's what my cutie mark tells me I should be! I'd rather be a teacher of the Patty Cake way! But I can't, because that's not my destiny! I am a slave to destiny! You love what she has given you! You could NEVER understand the pain I suffer everyday as I serve ponies something that I have stopped loving since the day I first served it!”

In a finally despite attempt to tend the conflict once and for all, Spitfire opened her defense, letting Apple Bloom's sword pass through her gut. Apple Bloom, a gasped that her fierce enemy should let herself be slain so easily, didn't see the sword taking herself through the stomach, until it was hilt deep, dripping with her own blood, inside of her.

With the setting of the sun, the two figures stood, still holding their swords, until the last of their strength gave out, and they fell side by side.

“Y-you were tough.” Spitfire choked out weakly, a slow smile spreading across her face.

Apple Bloom, laughed a little, which end with her coughing up some blood. “You weren't bad yourself.”

Spitfire put a hoof out. “I-if things were different, I think we could have been friends.”

Apple Bloom took the Pegasus's hoof in her own. “Best...of friends.”

Spitfire's eyes, started to close as the last of her energy ran dry. “Maybe...more.” With a sigh, her eyes closed for the last time.

Apple Bloom, eyes shining as she realized the one pony she always loved, always will love, and always wanted to love, just left this world behind her, to fly onto eternal skies.

“Wait for me,” She whispered. “I'm...coming.”

Luna sat straight up in her bed, screaming as the last of Apple Bloom's life let her eyes.

“Mmmm, what's wrong?” A sleepy Derpy asked her, rubbing her tired eyes from where she lay.

“I...I...I just had the strangest, most feared dream I have ever dreamed in over a thousand years!” Luna shivered.

Derpy blinked blurry eyed for a moment. “Did you stay up late watching anime without me?”

Luna, who was calming herself, caught her breath. She knew what the rules were. Derpy had laid them down quite firmly when she moved into Luna's bed. Muffins were to be ready at any time of the day, Derpy alone could preen Luna, and no anime without Derpy. Luna looked down at her sleepy partner, with a guilty looking, holding her breath, wanting to say no.

Derpy rolled her skewampus eyes and pulled her Princess down to the bed with a wing. “Come here.” She sighed. “Since you woke me up, you might as well snuggle me.”

Luna obeyed, happily, giggling as Derpy tickled her flanks with feather light wing tips, fervently promising to never watch anime late at night again.