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Prologue: In Which "Lazy Sombra" Receives A Mediocre Book Review
“The Weekly Book Nook” by Ryan Harding—NY Times guest columnist.
This week’s review: “Lazy Sombra: Or Why You Might Be Living Next To A Pony Now ”.
219 pages, $23.99 hardcover, published through Random House.
Writing a book review for Lazy Sombra almost feels like a redundancy. The book’s been on the best seller’s list since the moment it hit the shelves, and if the numbers I hear are accurate, that means a quarter of Americans already own themselves a copy of the thin text and have probably already lent it to a friend. So is there much chance of my opinion on the book swaying whether you read it or not? I highly doubt it. But let’s give it a try anyways.
Here’s a brief synopsis of the book, if you’ve somehow managed to have your head buried in the sand for the past six months:
In the magical land of Equestria, a tyrannical unicorn by the name of King Sombra is defeated in spectacular fashion and sent flying across space and time to land in a middle-aged human’s condo. The human in question is a man named Steve (we’ll talk more about him later). Very soon, the dark pony and easygoing human soon form an uneasy bond, and when a group of seven mares from Sombra’s original home world come to take him back, Steve follows them close behind in rescue of his furry friend.
What those mares failed to mention at the onset, though (and here’s where things get a little complicated), is that they’re actually not from the original Equestria at all, but a duplicate Equestria that was created the moment King Sombra was destroyed. And this Equestria, having never been meant to exist in the first place, soon comes under attack from monsters from other worlds we’d rather have stayed put in our worst nightmares.
Still following along well enough? (I’ll add a link on our web page to a 60 Minutes interview with Discord the draconequus who explains it in more detail.)
The leader of this group of desperate mares that takes Sombra from Earth is probably someone you know quite well by now—Princess Twilight Sparkle. Having lost her family and mentors in a crumbling, horror-filled version of her home, she decides the best course of action is to recreate what started it all to begin with. Namely: the explosion-heavy death of King Sombra.
So here you have the basic plot of Lazy Sombra ; an overwrought tale of a human literally going to the ends of the Earth just to get his pony back, all the while changing the course of human history for all time.
I think we can all remember what we were in the middle of doing when we heard news that millions of pony-like creatures had miraculously appeared in the heart of the United States—talking and singing and happy to be away from that terrible place they’d called home.
Midway through my read of Lazy Sombra , I asked our editor if an interview with Steve might be possible, only to learn Steve had stopped making public appearances altogether and had gone into hiding alongside his moody pony friend. Truthfully, I don’t blame him one bit for running away—not when the name “Steve” became a household name in less than a day, now akin to Earth’s single-named Madonna or Cher. Sure, he might’ve singlehandedly saved an entire race from extinction, but he did so without the consent or approval of either humans or ponies.
Since his return, Steve has become a highly divisive figure—given accolades by celebrities and politicians while also viciously hounded by the small minority that have yet to warm up to our talking horse brethren.
If you’ve somehow managed to miss out on current events for the past half-year, then a quick read of Lazy Sombra should be the next thing you plan on doing. At 219 pages, it’s short enough and told with just enough sarcasm that Steve’s mediocre first-person writing style shouldn’t put too much of a damper on things—even if the second half of the book becomes a little too grim for its own good.
What are the reviewer’s thoughts on the world we live in now following “Pony Gate?”
Honestly, I really don’t have all that much to complain about. All the ponies I’ve interviewed so far have been some of the kindest subjects I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, and each morning when I get to work, our new mare secretary gives me the same wonderful cup of joe with that bright smile of hers.
No, humans should have very little to complain about. The one figure in all this that deserves more attention than she’s getting is Twilight Sparkle, actually, the only alicorn to make it back to Earth and that last of her kind. With no real family left and with her (horribly misguided) plans of global suicide derailed at the last minute, she’ll need to rely on her friends and that weird looking boyfriend of hers to see her through. And, with any luck, the humans of Earth will help her out as well.
To paraphrase an old film quote to make my stance on the subject perfectly clear:
“I, for one, welcome our new pony overlords.”
And hopefully you will too. Everyone needs a little help once in a while. Even talking ponies.
Lazy Sombra: Or Why You Might Be Living Next To A Pony Now : 3.5/5 STARS.
Sept. 18th, 2015, NY Times Newspaper.
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Chapter 1: In Which Discord Convinces Twilight To Leave The Apartment For Once
A bit of dust fell from the ceiling and entered Twilight’s vision, causing her to take her eyes off the TV for the first time in an hour. The channel had been switched when Discord crossed the room and stepped on it by accident, flipping the TV to an infomercial about some tomato slicing gadget that could be hers for only three easy payments of $19.99.
Standing beside the couch, Discord had asked her something and she’d missed it completely.
“What was that?” she asked, quickly blinking her eyes.
Discord held a sharp claw towards the ceiling. “Those blasted neighbors of ours! TV always blaring; weird little human baby always crying; both of them thumping against the floorboards like their feet were made out of cinderblocks.”
Twilight sighed and slid further into their couch. “Well, we get what we pay for. And considering we don’t pay all that much already....”
Crossing his arms over his chest, Discord shot smoke out from his nostrils. “That’s still no excuse. I’m going up there. I’ve had it up to here with them!” He stretched out one arm until it hit the fridge in the nearby kitchen.
Twilight rubbed at her eyes. “Please don’t do that again. The landpony—lady—is pretty annoyed with you already. It’s also her job to deal with tenants. Just talk to her and have her deal with—”
Snap!
“—it.”
In a flash of light, Discord had already snapped himself from the room.
Twilight looked up the moment he heard a series of screams coming from the floor above—one clearly a woman’s and one a man’s. A moment later, she heard Discord’s distinct voice as he tried to calm them down. Then he suddenly stopped. And that’s when he started yelling.
“Put that down! Right now! Ow! Knock that off! You know what I could do to you if I wanted to? I’m the Spirit of Chaos, for Celestia’s sake! So I’d be very careful if—ow! What did I just say?”
Snap!
Discord reappeared in the middle of their living room, rubbing at the side of his head with a paw while grumbling under his breath.
“How’d it go?” Twilight asked.
Discord frowned. “They hit me with a broom. Hard. What’s their deal, even? That’s only the third time I’ve surprised them like that; also the first time I haven’t interrupted one of their little family gatherings.” He feigned some mock sadness. “Is it my fault I also happen to enjoy a good cheese spread every once in awhile? They could always do the nice thing and invite us over.”
“I really wish you hadn’t done that.”
Discord smiled, flicking away a bit of non-existent dust from his shoulder. “Well, I did. And you know what? I’m glad I did. Hear their TV anymore? Nope! All taken care of!” He happily rubbed his hands together. “Isn’t that what good husbands are supposed to do? Fix stuff?”
With a weary chuckle, Twilight laid her head on one of the couch’s armrests and peered up at him. “The only problem, Discord, is that we’re not married—better yet, can’t get married. That bill for pony to pony marriage passed pretty quick, but the one you started for pony and draconequus seems to be stuck on hold.”
As though he had no bones to speak of, Discord collapsed to the floor and slithered towards the couch, lightly pressing his nose against hers. He rubbed a soft thumb underneath her chin. “But you would, if I were to ask… say, right now?” He gave her a one-sided grin and raised a mischievous brow right off his head to hover in the air.
“You know I would,” she said, angling her head so her chin fell into his palm. “You’re the closest friend I have anymore, Discord. After everything that’s happened… with alternate universes and Steve and all that…” She sighed. “It’s not easy forgetting all the friends and family I lost in Equestria, but I guess we never would have found each other, were it not for all that.”
The other side of Discord’s mouth formed into a smile. “We sure did. And didn’t you luck out?”
Twilight matched his expression. “And, to think, all it took to show me how good you could be was the end of the world. Funny how apocalypses can change some ponies…”
Pulling away from her, Discord sat cross-legged by the side of the couch and looked away.
He told her, “I wish I could make you as happy as you used to be, Twilight. More than anything, I wish I could do that.”
Twilight furrowed her brows. “What do you mean by that?”
“I mean…” Discord thought on it for a moment. “I mean, more than anything, I want to see some of that old Twilight again—the happier Twilight, the one with the edge to her, the one that didn’t hesitate to put me in my place when she knew I deserved it.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes. “You want me to be mad at you?”
“All I want is an emotion from you again; some of that old fire you used to have.”
“And what if all I want is to go home?”
Silence filled their cramped one-bedroom apartment.
Discord took a moment to glance at their secondhand couch with its half-dozen rips and tears; their lime-green kitchen table with matching chairs that another tenant had given to them instead of throwing away; the tube TV with basic cable package that came complimentary with the rent.
Discord asked her softly, “You don’t think you could ever consider this place home?”
Twilight sighed, but left her head on his hand. “This is Earth. And so far it doesn’t feel at all like Equestria. Not even the one we escaped from.”
In one swift motion, Discord sprang to his feet and held out both arms wide. “Then how about we spruce up the place!? We could always use a chocolate water fountain. Or how about a cellar that leads to the center of the earth? Or a chandelier so big that it reaches the floor? You say what you want, Twilight, and I’ll make it happen in a snap! Whaddya say?”
Twilight finally pried herself off the couch. “I’d rather not attract any more attention to ourselves. As far as tenants are concerned, I don’t think we’re on the top of anyone’s list.”
Discord slid his back along the peeling wallpaper to cover a rather large hole. “We could always find a better place—a place a whole lot nicer than this.”
“We’d need currency for that. Actual Earth currency.”
With his lion’s paw, Discord pulled on the tip of his beard. “We could always ask Steve to send us more of those checks of his.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I never wanted that money to begin with—you did. Plus, I just don’t feel comfortable taking his money. I know he has a lot of it now with that book deal of his, but… still, I feel like we wronged him on so many levels doing what we did.”
Discord snapped his fingers and the ratty rug below the coffee table changed design, moving and rippling like a thin body of water. He giggled a bit like his older self. “You mean that one time when you and your friends came to Earth to kidnap Steve’s pet pony with the sole intention of blowing him up in order to combine two parallel yet vastly opposite Equestrias?”
Twilight glared up at him. “You really need to stop putting it like that. You make me sound like a seriously crazy pony when you do that.”
Discord knelt down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “But I love crazy ponies, remember?”
Try as she might to stay mad at him for the comment, Twilight eventually loosened and ran a hoof down the side of his neck. Considering Discord was one of the last good things she had left in the world, she was finding it much harder and harder to stay angry at him when all he honestly wanted to do was cheer her up.
As much as Discord told her the world had accepted ponies with open arms, Twilight had so far never been able to shake off the constant feeling of being watched—the knowledge that wherever she went, she’d forever be the center of attention, and only for being a small pony in a world full of humans.
Perhaps that’s why she rarely left their tiny apartment—why she continuously turned down TV appearances and interviews with large checks attached to them. More than anything, she didn’t want to add anymore attention to herself if she could help it.
Although her and Discord had only on occasion met those type of humans that didn’t take too kindly to them, she knew from watching the news during the day that a good chunk of the population didn’t exactly know what to make of them at all—and a smaller amount of them flat-out hated the denizens of Equestria all together.
And, sadly, Twilight couldn’t even blame them for feeling that way. How would Equestria have handled the sudden influx of four million new inhabitants, begging for shelter and for aid and for an (unwarranted) place in your lives?
Knock-knock-knock.
Discord pursed his lips. “Now I wonder who that could be?”
“Ms. Sparkle? This is Judith from downstairs. Your… uh... roommate has been harassing tenants again. That means that you and I need to have ourselves another chat.”
Discord’s pupils shrunk as he tried his sweetest face on Twilight. Sadly, Discord’s sweetest face only appeared mildly bitter at best. “Sounds like the landlady again, sweetie. Do you mind talking to her? You always have such a nice way of making people not so mad at us.”
Shutting her eyes and trying to calm herself, Twilight went to their door and tried her best not to get them both evicted.
***
“I’d rather we’d just stayed in tonight,” Twilight said, right after she’d received her twelfth look from a person passing her by on the sidewalk.
Walking beside her, Discord snickered aloud. “We’ve been keeping out of sight for far too long, my dear, and I think some fresh air might do you some good. I can’t have you keep lounging around the apartment in front of a TV all day. You don’t want to end up like Sombra, do you?”
On the other side of the street, a younger child let go of their parent’s hand to run to the edge of the curb and stare at them. And to make it abundantly clear to anyone around exactly what it was they were gazing at, they pointed a finger in their direction and mouthed the word, “Pony!”
Less than a second later, their parent grabbed hold of their hand again and nearly dragged them on their way.
Twilight could already feel her face growing red. “I just don’t like being the center of attention all the time. Wherever we go, people stare, and I find I can’t even blame them. It must’ve been the same for all those humans that ended up in our Equestria. But at least we were able to get them back home in a few weeks at most.”
With a snap of his fingers, Discord created a batch of colorful flowers that he handed over to Twilight.
“Of course they’re staring! Do you have any idea how ravishing you look every moment of every day? My word, Twilight, you really should spend more time in front of the mirror like I do.”
Twilight quietly took a small nibble from a flower in the bouquet, leaving the rest alone.
Snapping them away, Discord sighed. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have a rather solid suspicion that all those stares are actually for yours truly and no one else. Come to think of it, whenever you’re seen with me, I must make you look rather normal by comparison.” His eyes widened as his lips curled into a grin. “I know what I can do!”
Snap!
In a flash, Discord shrunk a good three feet and took the form of a pony with a grey coat and dark mane and tail. Above his red-and-yellow eyes he had a horn and white bushy eyebrows. A tad curious, Twilight took a quick glance at his flank, discovering he’d given himself a swirling cyclone cutie mark.
“Not too bad, right?” Discord exclaimed, giggling richly. He swung his plot into Twilight’s as they continued to stroll up the street. Wrapping a leg around her, he added, “Now we just look like two ponies out on the town! Nothing wrong about that!”
A car parked in front of a red light pounded on its horn, causing Twilight to jolt and turn to look. The car’s back window rolled down and a middle-aged human stuck his head out.
“Hey! Ponies! Over here!”
From the shout, Discord leapt onto Twilight’s back to get a better view, frantically waving a leg in their direction. “Yes! We are ponies! Isn’t it great?”
The guy in the car gave them the peace sign with his fingers before the light changed. “Keep on rocking, little guys!”
Discord gave them one last wave. “Thank you! Thank you very much! We will indeed continue to do so!”
Sliding his legs off Twilight’s back, he pressed his smiling face against hers.
“See? Not everybody here hates ponies. How can you even hate a pony to being with? Hating ponies is absurd. It must just be systematically impossible!”
Gently, Twilight shoved him away. “I never said every human here hates ponies, Discord. Actually, I would expect only a small percentage of them do. What bothers me is being stared at all the time.” She stared down at her hooves. “But what else are they supposed to do? We all must look so weird to them.”
Discord lifted her chin up with a hoof. “I know Earth may not be as colorful or peaceful or as randomly musical as Equestria, but I think if you and I gave it some time, it could become more like home. Did you like Ponyville the second you arrived there? Didn’t it take some time to grow on you?”
“Well, I might not have loved Ponyville the very first day I was there, but it also didn’t take over a year to start to call the place home. And we’ve already been here that long—longer, actually.”
Discord snapped himself into his usual lengthy form and bent down to her. “I know what you need: a good meal!”
Twilight breathed out a sigh of relief. “So we can go back to the apartment, then?”
He waved a hand. “I didn’t mean that! What you need is a good human meal. I’m sure at least one of these weird human meat-bags around here can cook.”
Before she could argue any more, Discord grabbed hold of her leg and snapped them off the street, landing in front of a tall skyscraper with a large, modernized restaurant and bar operating at its base.
Discord extended a hand towards its glass doors. “Shall we?”
Looking up at him, Twilight bluntly asked, “This wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with today being my birthday, would it?”
Discord smacked himself in the cheek with his palm. “Your birthday’s today!? Why… I had no idea! No idea at all! But since we’re out and about and since I need to give a certain party planner time to decorate, why not enjoy something nice and slightly expensive?”
Through the restaurant’s large rectangular windows, Twilight watched a waitress set down a plate for a table of eight. Beyond that group was another whole row of tables, all loaded with happily eating and drinking humans. Doing a quick estimate based on the place’s size and a guess at the size of their kitchen, Twilight thought the establishment could hold anywhere from two-hundred to three-hundred people at any time. And it just so happened to be a Friday during peak hours.
Twilight bit the tip of her tongue. “I doubt they even serve ponies here.”
With a chuckle, Discord reminded her, “Every place serves ponies. It’s the law. Remember that bill that was passed that first month we all arrived here? Plus…” with a claw, he indicated a small hanging sign on one of the restaurant’s doors that boldly stated: “PONIES WELCOME!”
As Discord took a step towards the building, Twilight stopped him with a leg. “Discord, I still don’t think this is a good idea. We really don’t have the money to afford anything like this.”
From a makeshift pocket in his side, Discord pulled out a small stack of green bills and ran a finger through them. He flashed a wicked grin. “I’ll think we’ll be just fine, honey bun. Come on now. Food’s getting cold.”
Twilight felt an elastic arm wrap all the way around her torso, pulling her along. Reluctantly, she went with Discord as her mind tried to think of something else.
“That isn’t more of that Earth currency you created yourself, is it? We went over this before, Discord. Stuff like that’s illegal.”
He gently ruffled her mane as they drew closer to the restaurant. “Not fake, I promise. I don’t think I’ll be trying to make my own currency again anytime soon. Not after that one store owner pulled that gun on me that night.” He snorted. “It was almost like he’d never seen a draconequus trying to buy a Slurpee with a bill depicting the future President of the United States! It’s not my fault they’re all going to vote for that idiot!”
Twilight stopped moving altogether, forcing Discord to place a hand on her plot and literally shove her onward.
Standing her ground, Twilight grimaced. “That’s not Steve’s money, is it? You know how I feel about him supporting us.”
Discord added a second hand to his Twilight plot-shoving project. “So what if it is? I gave him a call; asked how the restraining order was holding up; told him I needed a little bit of moolah for something special coming up and he sent it! No strings attached!” He grunted as he pushed her another couple feet. “You’d be surprised, Twilight, how easygoing that guy is. The whole Equestrian apocalypse, I don’t think I even heard him swear once! You’d think he was Canadian or something!”
Taking a step to her left, Twilight whirled around, causing Discord to lose his balance and come crashing to the ground.
She stood overtop of him, not completely able to meet his eyes. “Can we just go back to the apartment, please? I don’t… I just don’t want to be the center of attention anymore, okay? There must be hundreds of humans in there, and if we go in, that would make us the only ponies in the entire place.” She hesitated, before adding, “Or… the only pony and draconequus, but you understand what I’m saying, don’t you? Please?”
Still spread out flat on the sidewalk, Discord mashed her face between both hands. “But what if I told you that there were already over a dozen ponies inside there? And what if I told you our booth happened to be only steps away from two tables already full of ponies?”
“You made reservations?” Twilight said through mashed lips.
“Made ‘em a month ago. Just for us. I did a little research and this place is actually very pony-friendly.”
Twilight felt warmth behind her eyes. “I didn’t even think you knew when my birthday was.”
Discord gave her a single nod before kissing her deeply.
After he pulled away, he said, “I’m only trying to show you that there’s no reason we can’t exist here—actually live here and not just watch TV inside all day. Whether they want to or not, humans will get used to us. And if you feel as though you’re the center of attention in there, just imagine they’re all looking at me, because there’s an awfully good chance that’s exactly what they’re doing.”
Twilight smiled faintly at that. “Just promise me you won’t freak anyone out, all right? If this place is as pony friendly as you say it is, it might be nice to have a restaurant we can come back to.”
Discord’s single fang poked his lower lip. “My thoughts exactly. And I wouldn’t worry about a thing. Unless something completely beyond my control happens to pop up tonight, I’ll be on my best behavior. It’s just dinner, isn’t it?”
Is it? Twilight thought as she gave Discord one last kiss before going inside.
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Chapter 2: In Which A Human Expresses His Severe Distain For Ponies
“Chaos? You said our last name was Chaos?” Twilight asked once they’d both been escorted to a booth near the back and given a pair of menus and a wine list.
Discord seemed unperturbed. “What? ‘Discord—Spirit of Chaos.’ Last name: Chaos. What’s so wrong with that?”
Twilight leaned across the table. “You couldn’t have gone with Sparkle? Or even just Discord?”
Blocking most of his face with his menu, Discord added, “You really think I’ll be taking your last name once we get married?”
“I…” Twilight froze for a moment. “Ponies don’t even exchange last names.”
“But you’re forgetting we’re now on Earth, sweetie honey-bun banana dear.”
Using her horn, Twilight brought up her own menu to prop open. “Don’t think I’ll be forgetting that anytime soon…”
“Good evening, you two!”
A waitress dressed in white with a black apron stood by their table with pencil and pad in hand. When the waitress turned to Twilight, she fixed her with a beaming smile so bright that it could’ve made even Pinkie Pie jealous.
“I must say, this place is certainly becoming quite the hotspot for ponies,” she continued on warmly. “We must have at least six tables booked tonight just for you guys.”
Twilight took a second to glance behind her, spying a couple mares sharing both a booth and a slice of cheesecake. Across from them were a stallion and another mare, munching on some kind of cheese and bread appetizer. When the mare at the second table caught Twilight looking at them, she flashed her a smile alongside a wave. Twilight did the same in return, although with not nearly as much enthusiasm.
Twilight turned back to the waitress. “So… you cater to a lot of ponies here?”
The waitress—with the nametag reading “DIANA—Ask us what our specials are!”—lowered her pad to place her hands on her hips.
“Not so much when you guys first arrived, I’ll admit. But recently we’ve been seeing a lot of ponies coming through our doors, with a lot of them coming back again and again.” She leaned in close as if sharing a secret. “I think it might have something to do with our sign outside or our specialty pony menu at the back. Twelve dishes—all vegetarian and geared towards ponies. Tasty, too.” She laughed, a little too loud. “Not saying you can’t order whatever you want on the menu, but so far it’s been a pretty big success. I think our busboy—no, wait, I still have a habit of saying that wrong—our buspony must order something from that part of the menu every time he’s done another shift.”
Twilight’s resting wings fluttered a bit. “You have ponies working here? Like here , like right now ?” she asked, her words sounding close to a gasp. “Do they all bus tables?”
With a good-natured laugh, the waitress shook her head. “No. Just the one. An Earth pony that applied a few months ago once he saw that we were hiring. I think a few people were a little worried at first, but once we told him it wasn’t all too sanitary picking stuff up with his mouth, he found a way to do it with his hooves while balancing a tray on his back.” She whistled tunelessly. “And here I am, clumsy as can be with a perfectly functioning set of hands.”
The waitress brought a single finger to her lips as she noticed something.
“You couldn’t be… Twilight Sparkle, could you? Wings. Horn. Purple.”
Twilight felt a lump of ice drop into her gut.
“It really is you, isn’t it? Wow. My first major celebrity. Don’t worry, I won’t make a scene or ask for an autograph or anything. Just saying ‘Hi’ should be enough. I really can’t believe I didn’t recognize you earlier! I must’ve read that Lazy Sombra book until the spine nearly gave out! Not the most well written book I’ve ever enjoyed, but entertaining enough.”
Twilight scratched at the side of her face. “You do realize that book was based on fact, right? As in that all the stuff that happened to us was true and that’s why we’re here now? Certainly not something I’d call entertaining.”
Dropping her pad and pencil to the floor, the waitress grabbed at her chest with both hands. “Oh, how insensitive of me, bringing it up like that without even thinking! I just have such a hard time wrapping my mind around everything’s that happened—and the fact that it was all true!”
Still with his face hidden behind his menu, Discord asked her, “Does this thoughtless remark mean we get an appetizer on the house?”
The waitress didn’t even turn in his direction, but nodded regardless. “Yes! Of course. Whatever you’d like.”
Twilight closed her menu and placed both hooves on the table. “You said other ponies worked here. Would you mind telling me about them?”
The waitress showcased that same smile from earlier, clearly happy to be back on a cheerful subject. “Well, there’s a pegasus that does deliveries for us now. A mare, I believe—I’ve only seen her the one time, but I hear she’s fantastic. No more downtown traffic jams; no more gas or speeding tickets. Once the owners bought her a little handy-dandy GPS system and a backpack thingy to hold everything in, she was flying out with deliveries almost as fast as people were placing them. From what I understand, a lot of customers that want something delivered first call ahead to ask if she’s working before even asking for stuff. That must be why the owner’s been out looking for another pegasus to hire.”
She cocked a heavily plucked brow. “You wouldn’t happen to know anyone, would you?”
Twilight felt her cheeks growing red. “Sorry. No. My pegasus friends don’t live in the same city as we do.”
The waitress nodded, before her eyes suddenly sprung open. “And here I almost forgot about Star Burst! Everyone just adores Star Burst here.”
Twilight couldn’t recall the name. “Star Burst?”
Nodding with vigor, she added, “He’s a unicorn that runs the bar three times a week, although I think we’re trying to get him up to five. Everything I said about the delivery pony, I could say triple for him. Everyone that comes here just loves the way he mixes drinks.”
As if lost in thought, the waitress looked away from Twilight to stare in the direction of the restaurant’s dimly lit bar.
“Somehow he uses his horn and voila… all these different glasses and colorful drinks start flying above his head and pouring into one another. It’s wonderful. It’s really just like a magic show!” Her last sentence gave her pause. “Actually, it is a magic show, isn’t it? A magic show with alcohol. So even better! And last week, the owner even added a few pony-oriented drinks to the alcohol list—one’s an apple cider, and I think the other’s more of a fruity drink with a whole bunch of colors. I haven’t tried either yet, but I’m sure they’re pretty good.”
As much as Twilight had been enjoying hearing about all the ways the restaurant had been working alongside ponies, a far more important thought came to mind and refused to depart.
“Does…” she started meekly, before starting again. “I mean, do they seem happy, though? The three of them… when they’re at work or going home?”
The waitress took the opportunity to pick her pencil and pad up off the floor.
“I think so, although you’d need to get to know them to be sure. I know our busboy—buspony , darn it! I know our buspony lost a few of his family members when your Canterlot was attacked, but I think he’s adjusting all right. I think at the beginning he was worried that he wouldn’t work out or that no one would like him. I think maybe that’s how most of them felt. Personally, I can’t understand anyone that could hate you guys. A colorful pony that talks? Sounds fine to me! Plus, every pony I’ve ever met has been just as sweet as sugar. You sure Equestria wasn’t actually located in Canada?”
The waitress brought a hand to her mouth to chuckle at her own joke. Sadly, she was the only one doing so.
Discord softly flipped to another page of the menu. “We already did the Canada joke, thank you.”
Once again, the waitress ignored him, focusing on Twilight.
“And how could someone possibly hate such an adorable little face?”
Before Twilight could respond, the waitress scratched at her head with her fingers, causing her to tense. The moment she realized what she was doing, the waitress whipped her hand away in shock.
The waitress’ gaping mouth formed a near perfect circle. “I’m so, so sorry about that! That was so wrong of me. I’m sorry, it’s just… you see someone cute and you just wanna squeeze ‘em and…” She shut her eyes for a moment. “I’ll stop now.”
Illuminating her horn, Twilight tried to re-straighten her mane. “It’s fine. Really, it is. Oddly enough, this has happened before tonight and I’m sure it’ll happen again.”
Finally, Discord set his menu on the table to stare at the waitress.
“So you don’t think I’m cute, too? No head scratches for adorable little Discord?”
Now the waitress’ near perfect circle mouth flipped upside-down into a grimace.
“How ‘bout now?” Discord inquired, before he snapped his fingers and turned himself into a colt version of his prior pony self.
With his pony features, he gave her a rather crooked grin—his sharp teeth and toxic red-and-yellow eyes not completely selling the fact he was trying to be cute.
“Yes…” the waitress eventually mumbled out, clutching her thin pad to her chest. “So … cute. Yes. Much cute. Very.”
Leaning across the table again, Twilight gave Discord’s horn a forceful flick. “Knock it off, Discord. Be nice.”
Discord stared at her. “I’m always nice, Twilight. What most people fail to grasp is just how many levels of nicety there actually are.”
Another loud snap and Discord returned to his normal stature, albeit this time wearing a pair of half-moon spectacles. He gently flipped open his menu again.
“Mares always order first. Twilight, what would you like?”
Having entirely forgotten that fact that she was supposed to order and eat a meal there, Twilight awkwardly leafed through the menu’s numerous pages of listed items and accompanying pictures until finding the half-page at the back labeled: “PONY MENU”. After a quick scan, she looked at the waitress again. “I’ll have the cranberry and pecan salad with dressing on the side, please.”
The waitress appeared to have gotten herself under control again, as she shakily jotted down her order. “Anything to drink?”
“Do you have lemonade?”
“Yep. Sure do.”
Discord shot out a hand, causing the waitress to flinch back.
“Nope. No lemonade for my special somepony. At least not tonight. Tonight she’ll be having one of those nifty apple ciders. The ones I’ve heard mentioned only a single time and presume must be good.”
The waitress kept her eyes on her writing pad. “Oh. Uh. All right. And will you also be ordering from the pony menu?”
Discord gave her a sour look. “Do I look like a pony to you?”
The waitress thought for a long time, before admitting, “You actually look like a lot of things; a lot of things that weren’t meant to be put together.”
Discord remained silent for close to ten seconds before guffawing aloud, frightening a few patrons close by. He pointed an eagle’s claw at her. “Oh, I like you! I like you a lot! I think I might keep you now.”
The waitress seemed amused by the first two things that Discord said, but not so much by the third. Steeling herself, she asked him: “So what can I get for you, then?”
Casually, Discord shoved his closed menu to the side of the table. “I’ll have the steak sandwich—rare. With a slice of key lime pie.”
The waitress stopped writing. “You want the pie alongside your main course or afterwards?”
“On top of the steak, actually. With extra whipped cream, if you can. And accompanied by the darkest beer you have kicking around the joint.”
Adding a couple extra notes to the side of her pad, the waitress tucked the paper into her apron and nodded curtly. “I’ll go place your orders, then.”
When the waitress left the table, disappearing into the kitchen, Discord slid to the edge of his seat and grabbed both of Twilight’s hooves with his hands. He exhaled loudly and gave Twilight a smoldering look.
“You know, Twilight, with the snap of my fingers I could turn everyone in this place into a pony, right now. Wouldn’t that be a hoot? A whole restaurant full of people suddenly finding themselves with four hooves and a tail?” He removed a hand to pull on his wispy beard, narrowing his eyes as he glanced around at neighboring tables. “Better yet, why not all of Earth? If a rare few of them don’t take kindly to the existence of ponies, then I’ll just solve the problem altogether by making everyone a pony! Oh, how’d I just love to watch the official address from the President afterwards.”
Straightening his back, Discord did his best official sounding voice.
“My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that last night, Earth’s entire population of homo sapiens was somehow changed into small, colorful pony-like creatures. And I, having never been a fan of wearing clothes in the first place, am totally all right with this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fly around the White House for a bit because I once had a dream I could do that and now I can.”
When Twilight laughed at that last part, Discord smirked and traced his thumb around her hoof. Twilight could hardly remember the last time she’d actually laughed at something and meant it.
One of Discord’s red pupils formed into a spiral and began bouncing around his eye. From past experiences, Twilight knew this meant a terrible notion had buried itself deep inside the draconequus’ skull.
“So that means you’ll let me?” he pleaded to her like a child.
Twilight’s chuckles ended in an instant. “I thought you were kidding.”
“But I never kid about chaos, sweetie-pie dragonfly! Okay. We’ll split the difference. How ‘bout half the population, then? More ponies to be friends with, right? We could have a games night at the apartment!”
Twilight shook her head. “No, Discord. No turning humans into ponies. I think since everyone’s already read that book of Steve’s, they’d realize just who’s to blame pretty quick.”
Discord tapped a claw against his cheek. “I guess you’re right. And I’d just hate to do that to Fluttershy, what with her starting that new job of hers.”
Twilight laughed again, and Discord edged closer to the table until his stomach pressed against it.
He raised a brow. “Happy you finally left the apartment?”
First taking a moment to stare at her hooves, Twilight glanced from Discord to the two tables of ponies behind them—the furthest of which was in the midst of being bussed by a shorter stallion with a tray of dirty dishes balanced on his back.
“I am, actually. It’s nice here. It’s… nice meeting people that are so accepting of ponies—even seeing other ponies out and about is a welcome change. Things have kinda evolved in the last year, haven’t they? You really don’t notice all that much staying inside, do you?”
“I knew you wouldn’t regret it!” Discord displayed a single-fanged grin. “Now let’s get you all liquored up so you’ll actually laugh at all my jokes for once!”
***
Arthur Mitchell wasn’t having the best of nights. Actually, if he wanted to get technical about it, his whole week hadn’t been all that great. Oddly enough, he found he could even trace the cause of his dismay to a particular day—a particular day a little over a year ago. A day forever labeled as “Pony Gate.” What was the world full of the day before “Pony Gate?” Not ponies , that’s for sure. Or at least no ponies that could talk and take the world by storm in less than a handful of hours, filling up newspapers and TV programs and bookstores and anything else you could think of.
So what was Arthur Mitchell’s problem again?
Oh, right. Ponies.
Ponies and their very existence in a world he thought they never should have come to.
In a dimly lit bar, Arthur sipped on his latest rum and Coke and turned to face his friend; a friend busily munching his way through his fifth handful of complimentary peanuts.
“Would you believe I used to like coming to this place?” Arthur said bitterly. “Used to be people got drunk while watching the home team lose; snacking on greasy crap while moaning about their love lives. You have any idea what’s taken over this place now ?”
Arthur’s cohort, Robert Gray, split open another peanut to pop into his mouth, not once taking his eyes off the flat-screen above the bar.
“Ponies.” He didn’t even state it like a question.
Arthur shoved a finger into his face. “No, not ponies. Fucking ponies. As in fuck every last one of them.”
With a sigh, Robert rolled his eyes. “Are we really going to have this conversation again? If you don’t like ponies spending time in your bars, then stop going to those bars. Simple as that. Truth be told, this bar isn’t even that great. Just your average place on the drive home connected to some restaurant and grill. You don’t like it, then find another place to complain about your watery rum-and-Cokes.”
Perhaps, if Arthur had been on his first drink of the night, he might’ve let things go and changed the topic to something that didn’t infuriate him as much. But already on drink number—one, two, three, four—five … once the topic of ponies came to his mildly inebriated mind, he found he could barely keep himself from thinking about it.
Arthur painfully pinched the bridge of his nose. “But, Robert, that’s not the point. That’s not the point at all.” He huffed out angrily. “We were here first—humans were here first. And now look what’s happening. A restaurant with its own little pony corner? Its own little pony menu, too?”
Morosely, Robert finally pried his eyes from the overhead TV. “I still think you’re making a whole lot of something outta nothing, Arthur. When I walked in here, I saw… what? Six ponies altogether? Doing what? Eating dinner?” He feigned shock. “Oh, Christ! There goes the neighborhood! Ready those bomb shelters, lads, because this looks like the beginning of the end!”
In one long sip, Arthur polished off his latest drink and flagged the bartender down for the next.
While waiting for his order to come, he said, “Sure. It might start with six of them. But then what? Twelve? Twenty? Forty? Who’s to say this place doesn’t become the next big pony go-to place? Hundreds of ponies as far as the eye can see!”
His friend pursed his lips. “That actually sounds pretty cute.”
Slamming his palm against the edge of the bar, Arthur caused the bowl of peanuts close by to bounce.
“Fucking hell ! They’ve gotten to you, too, haven’t they? Sure. Cute little colorful ponies. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, would they? Super nice. Always polite. And somehow none of that seems odd to you? That maybe, just maybe it all might be a plot of some kind? I mean, technically, they are aliens, right? Teleported here by some last minute pony wish or some shit. But who ever said aliens even need to look all that extraterrestrial? No E.T. bullshit. No Aliens horror crap. No. No! This time they’ve come as adorable little ponies with magical tramp stamps on their asses!”
Arthur loudly clapped his hands together. “First, they’ll lull us into a false sense of security, demanding equal rights and showing up on TV and on Ellen and all that crap and then BAM! Complete global annihilation! And all of that just because we thought all those pony fuckers were too damn cute to be planning such a thing. Who’s to say what’s really behind those big, creepy eyes of theirs?”
“Sprinkles and rainbows?” Robert suggested dryly, clearly not taking the subject as close to heart as he should. “Did you even read that Lazy Sombra book? It basically outlines everything that’s happened to them and why they ended up here. They’re just refugees, really. Escaped from some screwed up alternate dimension with monsters raining down from the sky. Sounded fucking terrible.”
With a fresh drink in hand, Arthur pulled up to the bar and settled down, scratching at his unshaven chin. “I might’ve flipped through that book the one time,” Arthur admitted, “but only the once. Got it as a stocking stuffer from the wife. She has her own copy and thought I’d want to give it a read someday. The next morning, I looked the thing up online, saw a couple reviews saying they thought it was funny .” He snorted. “If that crap is honestly someone’s idea of ‘funny,’ I really must be outta touch with the world of today.”
He took another pull from his drink.
“But that reminds me who I really should be placing the blame on for all this pony non-sense: Steve. Steve and that stupid pet pony of his.” He bawled a hand into a fist. “Man, if I could find that pony-loving dick—even just for a second —I’d clock him in the jaw so hard I’d send him to a third Equal-estria to mess with.”
“Equestria,” Robert corrected absently. “And I’m pretty sure if you somehow managed to first find Steve and then go on to punch him in the face, that pet pony of his would rip your arm off for it.”
Arthur grumbled in his throat. “Then I’d just punch him in the nose, too; I guess with whatever arm he didn’t chew through.” He sat up and stretched out his back, muscles still sore from the twelve hour shift he’d pulled before driving there. “Near the end of Lazy Sombra , you ever get that Lord of the Rings -type vibe?”
His friend cocked a brow at that. “You’re going to need to expand on that.”
“I mean, in the third Lord of the Rings movie, when Fido and that—”
“Frodo,” Robert dryly corrected again.
“Whatever. When Frodo and Sam are on that rock in the middle of all that lava and they’re all talking in whispers and shit and how they’re super-duper friends and all that… I just… I just remember sitting in the theatre about to shit my pants because a part of me half-expected them to start making out at any moment.”
Robert angled his head in his direction. “You were hoping to find a gay scene in the middle of Lord of the Rings ?”
Arthur grimaced and took a hurried drink from his glass. “That’s not what I was getting at, actually. Just Steve and that stupid pony of his and how close they… oh, forget it. Just talking about that sarcastic asshole is making me madder than I already am.”
“Then how about you stop talking about ponies if it gets you so riled up. You started this conversation, remember?” Robert suggested, throwing another peanut into his mouth. “I, for one, really couldn’t care less about them. At my job, there’s this new pony starting pretty soon. I think you know how it is lately; how the company goes and gets a pony on board, hoping it makes them seem like a friendlier company or whatever. Anyways, what I’m thinking is, I’m gonna try and ask this new pony co-worker if they’ll come to my daughter’s birthday next month.”
Arthur furrowed his brows. “Why bother?”
Robert chuckled. “You kidding me? Kids have been flipping out over ponies lately—especially little girls around my daughter’s age. So if Daddy just so happened to bring his new pony friend over to meet her on her birthday? I think I’d be guaranteed that World’s Number One Father coffee mug come next Father’s Day.”
As the flat-screen above the bar changed to a news show, Arthur grumbled under his breath and drank what little liquid remained in his glass before raising his hand to signal to the bartender.
Only for someone else to come trotting over.
“Evening gents! How can I be of service tonight?” asked the wide-smiling unicorn clad in a black button-up vest. The horn poking through his carefully-gelled mane was wrapped in a silver aura, levitating in the air a stainless steel measuring cup and bottle of clear alcohol. “You want to hear about tonight’s specials? Friday means it’s—”
“I don’t care what Friday means,” Arthur cut him off thickly. “I just want another rum and Coke.”
The unicorn held onto his smile. “Coming right up!”
“No!” Arthur added more emphasis to his outburst by slamming his closed fist against the bar. He used that same hand to run through his disheveled hair. “What I meant,” he said much quieter, “is I want a rum and Coke from a bartender—a real bartender. Not some pony playing dress-up.”
The unicorn’s infectious grin started to droop around the edges, his ears flat against his head. “Well, sir, I actually am the bartender here. The last bartender’s shift ended a few minutes ago, and if it’s because you don’t think I have my license or something, I assure you, I do. I even passed at the top of my class.”
Arthur rolled his eyes dramatically. “Well, isn’t that just peachy, Mr… ?”
“Star Burst,” the unicorn answered with a nod.
“Star Burst? So… what? You’re part candy product?”
“Not that I know of,” he replied, slightly confused.
Robert waved a hurried hand between the pair. “Not to interrupt whatever’s going on here, but could I get one of those multi-colored drinks you have on special? You know, the one where you flip all the drinks around and pour them upside down and stuff?”
At once, the unicorn perked up from the request. “You mean the Sonic Jager-Boom?”
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Coming right up, my good sir!”
With his first order of the night in, the unicorn spun on his hooves and began gathering a rather long list of various colorful bottles and cups, half with his hooves and half with his horn. Once he had everything in place on the bar, he began spinning them in the air while adding a faint glow to each clear bottle.
Arthur angrily poked his friend in the side—the friend who was busily enjoying the magical juggling act in front of him.
“You knew this pony was gonna be here, didn’t you?”
“Of course,” Robert replied, chuckling like a child when the unicorn balanced a glass on the tip of his horn. “Everyone at work said Star Burst does the late shift on Fridays, so I figured I’d check him out. They said each specialty drink he makes takes anywhere from two to five minutes to make. Not too bad considering I think this drink alone costs almost twenty bucks.”
Jamming his thumbs into his eyes, Arthur exited his barstool and began furiously rubbing at both temples. “Fucking ponies, man…” he griped to himself. “Taking over one job at a time.”
“You say something?” Robert asked him from behind, half of his focus still on the alcoholic magic act before him.
Arthur shot him a look. “Yeah. I’m going to go get some air. Maybe see if I can get a normal drink from a normal person in this place.”
Then, trying his best to vacate the dimly lit bar without jamming his knee into a table, Arthur entered the much larger section of the restaurant with one very clear goal in mind:
To ruin some pony’s night.
View Online
Chapter 3: In Which A Draconequus Becomes Enraged
When Discord’s and Twilight’s drink orders came, Discord snapped himself a swirly straw to slurp up his dark beer greedily. By the time Twilight took a lone dainty sip from her apple cider, Discord was already moving his straw around the bottom of his glass in search of what liquids remained.
Discord set his straw back into a makeshift breast pocket. “Not bad, not great. I’ll need another dozen or so of those if I want to get really crazy tonight. How’s the cider?”
“A little strong,” Twilight said, taking another small sip from her glass.
“Exactly what I wanted to hear! A few more mouthfuls of that and I just might be able to ask you a question that’s been bugging me for some time.”
“A question about us?”
“No.”
“A question about me?”
Discord leaned back in his seat with a sigh. “That university called again; while you were in the shower the other day. They’re still trying to offer you that teaching position. They seem almost desperate to get you on board.”
Twilight gently spun her glass with her hooves. “Teaching humans about Equestrian history.”
Discord nodded. “And I’m sure other things, too… and I’m sure some ponies would attend. Plus, it would mean some extra—”
“Income,” Twilight finished for him.
“Yes. And the chance to get out and meet people—humans or ponies or whatever. Hasn’t it always been a dream of yours to teach, Twilight?”
Twilight thought about it for a moment. “Yes. But I’d always imagined teaching others about friendship or magic or something close to that. Not the general history of Equestria to a bunch of humans that may or may not even believe it exists at all.”
Discord chuckled. “My dear, we’re living proof Equestria exists.”
“Not exactly. Some people still think we arrived when some comet crashed into the planet. Even more believe the government had been working on a ‘Pony Project’ that was accidentally released into the world, therefore giving them the need to make up Equestria and all the things that go along with it.”
“Well, just passing on information. I’m sure whatever course you’d like to teach, they’d be more than happy to oblige you.” He slid out from the table. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to visit the little draconequus’ room. Maybe if I’m lucky, our food will have arrived by the time I get back.”
Twilight stopped him with a hoof, looking bewildered. “I can’t remember a time in our entire relationship when you had to use the washroom. I didn’t even think draconequuses had to, honestly.”
With a smirk, he explained, “First time for everything, right? But, realistically, I only tend to go once a year if I drink a lot of liquids. That beer must’ve shot right through me. Back in a flash!”
Twilight watched Discord disappear around a corner, elongating his body and curving it into an arch to avoid a rushing server carrying a loaded tray of plates. Once alone, Twilight finished off the first third of her cider and sunk into the comfy booth behind her. At once, she could tell the alcohol was doing its job; she hadn’t thought she’d felt this calm in months.
“This isn’t so bad. I don’t think,” she said to herself, watching the restaurant’s buspony take another tray through the kitchen’s swinging doors.
Since she’d arrived on Earth, she’d locked herself away, ignoring the present and focusing on the past. If thoughts of her lost loved ones caused her nothing but pain, why had she surrounded herself with nothing else but that? Everyone that had escaped from their alternate Equestria had lost more than anyone should, but still they’d soldiered on, getting themselves jobs and trying their best to assimilate into an unknown world. If they had the strength to move on, why couldn’t she find that same courage?
At first, the answer seemed simple: humans. Humans would never take to ponies. But was that even true anymore? How would she even know, having spent every hour of every day for the past year shut up in her home, brooding and isolated from the world? So far tonight, she hadn’t met a single human that told her she didn’t belong there. Sure, it would take years before the stares stopped or even noticeably lessened, but as an alicorn in Equestria, hadn’t she gotten used to constant attention anyways?
Maybe it’s you ¸ she thought. Maybe you don’t want to get used to this world—maybe you don’t want to start a life here. Maybe the only place you could ever call home is gone and there’s very little chance of going back and it hurts so bad, you only want to—
A glass smashed to the floor behind her.
Turning to look, she found a man in his late thirties standing in the middle of the aisle, squarely in the thick of several tables of ponies. For a moment, the man stared at the broken glass by his feet, before glancing back up, almost appearing surprised.
“Got your attention?” he asked the hushed cluster of tables, before clapping his hands together. “Good! Because I’m feeling the need to let you all in on a little something—a little something that I doubt many of you have heard all that much since you first arrived in my city. Well, here it is. A message just for you.”
He pointed a finger to each table of ponies in turn. “You are not welcome here. You will never be welcome here. Earth is not your home and it shouldn’t be. Humans have enough problems dealing with other humans as is, so all you guys are doing… is just fucking it up even worse.”
He grabbed a pony’s drink off the table behind him and used his shirt to wipe around the rim. “You think you’re cute? Adorable, even? You might have most people wrapped around your little hooves or whatever, but don’t think for a second you’ve fooled everyone. All you guys are doing is making life harder for us. A pony friendly menu? A pony friendly restaurant and bar? It isn’t us who should have to change for you. It’s you who should be changing for us. Or better yet, go somewhere the fuck else!”
He brought the glass to his lips, then pretended to gag, setting it back on the table and making the ponies there flinch. “Can’t believe I almost drank that—right after a pony slobbered all over it.”
“I did not slobber on—” started the stallion, whose glass he took.
“And don’t forget how weird you all look,” the man continued, unperturbed. “Wings? Horn? What the fuck? Are you guys Mr. Potato Heads? Pick and choose whatever extra body part you want? Especially you!”
Twilight felt her face turn red when he pointed at her directly.
“Wings and a horn? What a fancy bitch you must be!”
***
“How’s your night going?” Discord asked the man using the urinal next to him.
“Uh… uh, it’s fine, I guess,” the man whispered back, his hair damp with sweat and his breath ragged.
“Aren’t you done yet? I heard you stop the moment I stood next to you.”
The man gulped dryly, creating an odd clicking noise in his throat. “I… uh… can’t go when I’m nervous.”
“Nervous?” Discord giggled playfully. “Nervous of me? Do I really look that scary to you?”
“Uh…umm… well,” the man stuttered out, wholly frozen in place.
“I said do I really look that scary to you!? ” Discord screamed at him, adding another foot to his height while turning both of his eye-sockets into black pits of flames.
The man shrieked and turned away from him, remaining where he stood. A second later Discord could hear the man continuing his business with the urinal.
Discord zipped up. “See? All you needed was a little motivation. See you out there, sport!”
The man flinched when the washroom door slammed shut.
“I think I need new pants.”
***
It didn’t take long for Discord to tell that something bad had happened while he’d been gone. It wasn’t only in the expressions of the patrons in the room that let him know: the hushed whispers between humans at nearby tables; the mare currently comforting her friend with a leg around her shoulder; the stallion and mare couple who were anxiously paying their bill without more than a word between them. He could also feel it in the air—like some silent electricity that had hummed throughout the place when they’d arrived, only to be shut down with the mere flick of a switch.
Discord slid back into his booth and noticed Twilight had pushed her drink away. “What happened here?”
Twilight’s eyes had a faint shimmer to them. “Nothing. It’s fine. Really.” She tried for a smile, only for it to collapse on itself.
Discord roughly grabbed at one of her legs and held it. “Tell me what happened here, Twilight.”
“Some drunk man made a scene and then left. That’s basically it.”
Discord frowned. “If that was basically it, Twilight, then I doubt you’d be as close to tears as you are right now.”
Forgoing the wider smile, Twilight settled on a smaller, tighter one. “It’s not important. I don’t want it to ruin anything. I’m having a good time here and I think our food should be coming out soon. I’d… I’d just rather not talk about it. Okay?”
Less than a second later, their waitress from before strolled down the aisle of tables and set their meals down. As pleased as Discord was that the chefs had actually followed through on his pie on top of steak, it did little to sooth his currently unfavorable mood.
Once her hands were empty, their waitress knelt down beside Twilight. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. That idiot doesn’t know what he’s talking about and don’t you think any different. If you two still have room for dessert, I’ll put it on the house for you; same as the other tables that heard any of that nasty business.”
Twilight awkwardly chewed on her tongue as Discord spun his head to the waitress, teeth shut tight in a rather unfriendly smile.
“Nasty business, you say?” he hissed out between his teeth. “I must have missed it while I was away. Care to explain what happened here, exactly?”
The waitress waved a hand and rolled her eyes. “Some liquored up jerk stumbled into the dining room from the bar and started ranting and raving about ponies and humans. The manager’s just waiting for him or his friend to pay their tab and then he says he’ll be banned. Good riddance. Again, sorry you had to hear all that. Always know we’d love to have you both back.”
A small nod and wink later, the waitress left the pair alone.
While Discord tried to keep his regularly expressive face under some level of control, inside his mouth he bit through his tongue and then quickly sewed it back on. “Are you okay?”
Twilight ran a leg under her eyes. “I am. It’s okay. Can’t expect everyone to love ponies in a little over a year. Plus… he was drunk… he wasn’t thinking…”
“That’s still no excuse,” Discord told her thickly. “I can fix this, Twilight. I can fix this very fast. Do you want me to?”
“I’d rather you just made me feel better. Tell me a joke?”
Eyes still a little glossy, Twilight grabbed her fork in her aura and started on her salad, trying her best to move the night along. Taking a long breath, Discord attempted to do the same, first cutting his steak and pie with a spoon before eating it with the saltshaker.
He raised a curious brow. “Tell me if you’ve heard this goody before, Twilight. A man walks into a bar to get a drink, but when he leaves…”
Well , he thought, she never said ‘no’ exactly.
Discord silently snapped his fingers below the table.
***
Arthur collapsed back onto his barstool, an ear-splitting grin dividing his face. Although it had taken close to seven minutes once he’d entered the restaurant to flag down a waiter to buy another drink, the wide-eyed and cartoonish expressions of all those ponies that heard him made the trip more than worth it.
Until someone pinched his shoulder and spun him around.
“You really are an ass, aren’t you?” Robert told him sternly, his other hand busy counting out bills onto the counter. “Couldn’t have kept your comments to yourself for one night?”
Arthur wasn’t about to lose his good feelings after only having them for a moment. “What’s your problem? So I spoke my mind. What ever happened to freedom of speech?”
While Robert awkwardly crammed his wallet back into his pants, he took a series of large gulps from his tall and colorful drink, umbrellas and mounds of whipped cream threatening to stab or stain his face. “I just spent sixteen-fifty on this drink, Arthur—which is pretty fucking good, by the way—and now I’m being told I need to get you outta here and into a taxi for causing a scene, meaning I can’t even sit here and enjoy this thing! You know this drink somehow changes color the more you drink from it?”
Arthur grabbed a few peanuts from the bowl. “Don’t listen to them. They gave you a warning, same as me. I’ll be good from here on out, I promise. I said what I wanted to say and now I’ll leave it at that.” He snickered. “I think during my little speech, I even managed to piss off one of those deluxe ponies you don’t see all that often. You know, the ones with wings and horns?”
Finding no one in their vicinity attempting to throw them out, Robert slowly sank back into his seat and scooted his garish drink next to him. “You mean wings and a horn?”
“Sure.”
“Alicorns.”
“That’s right!” Arthur chewed on a handful of peanuts pleasantly. “One of those weirdoes. How common are they? I can’t remember. One out of a hundred? Something like that.”
“There’s only one left, actually. Twilight Sparkle. She was mentioned in that book a lot.”
Arthur tried his best to keep his vision on his friend and the bar behind him, so that Star Burst and his tiny flock of thirsty customers remained well out of sight. “Wow. So didn’t I luck out or what? Met and annoyed my first celebrity all in one night. Does this deserve another drink? I think it does.”
Robert stopped sipping from his glass as his brows creased in thought. It seemed he didn’t like what was slowly coming to mind.
He asked Arthur in a hushed tone, “Was Twilight with anyone else?”
Some of Arthur’s original giddiness seeped from him. “I… I don’t think so. I can’t remember, really. I was kinda looking everywhere while I spoke.”
Robert wrapped Arthur’s collar into his fist. “Was she sitting next to Discord ? That’s all I really need to know.”
“Another pony?”
“No. A draconequus. Twilight Sparkle came to Earth with a draconequus and now I need to know if you just made a very bad mistake and pissed him off.”
“I… .” The clear agitation in his friend’s face allowed Arthur to think clearly for a moment. He tried hard to think back—to the tables that overheard him and all the heads that turned his way… including that tiny purple alicorn’s. “No. She was alone. I’m pretty sure she was.”
Sluggishly, his friend let go of his shirt and gripped his drink again, evidently not as enthused about it as he was a moment ago. “I hope to God you know what you’re talking about, Arthur. Otherwise I’d be running outta the nearest exit as fast as I could.”
Arthur shrugged. “Why?”
Robert looked like he was chewing on something sour. “Because Discord’s fucking insane and if—” his sentence died in his throat, as it looked as though he wanted to somehow both choke and vomit at the same time. He exclaimed in something even lower than a whisper, “You fucking idiot! I hope you know how much I hate you right now! ”
“Wait. What?”
Arthur followed his friend’s stare towards the entrance to the bar, where a seven foot tall snake-like monstrosity had just arrived. If Arthur could’ve recalled some of his childhood books loaded with colorful pictures of animals, he might’ve had a chance at describing all the parts that formed the creature. But considering his childhood had died a slow and miserable death centuries ago, Arthur instead clammed up and pretended to stare at the dartboard next to him.
The creature his friend had called Discord narrowed his eyes in the gloom of the bar. He crossed his mismatched arms behind his back and casually moved towards them.
Arthur found the strength to spin his stool around so he could glance at his friend, who was now hugging his oversized drink to his chest like a life preserver.
“Evening, gents,” Discord greeted them dryly, placing one hand on the back of each of their seats. “Having a swell time tonight, I hope?”
Robert made that choking sound again, before muttering out, “… yep.”
Arthur nodded and turned to face the overhead TV. Taking a quiet breath, he found himself not as afraid as his friend thought he should be.
What’s a Discord, even? he thought rather evenly. He wouldn’t do anything here, would he? He’s sort of famous, so he can’t. He’d get in shit and get in the papers. But if he wants a fight, I’d still give him one. He might be tall as all hell, but that doesn’t make him strong. Right? I think so. I hope so. And who’s to say he’s not just getting a drink? Supporting another one of his pony pals? Who’s to say he even heard what I said?
“Has someone been saying nasty things about ponies in here?” Discord softly oozed out, his warm breath heavy on the back of Arthur’s neck.
Arthur found his mouth dry as he tried to reevaluate his situation.
I would’ve seen him in the restaurant. A seven foot tall dragon stands out a bit. Maybe he doesn’t know? Maybe he’s just asking around?
Keeping his hand as still as he could, Arthur took another peanut from the bowl and popped it into his mouth. “Not sure who said that, but I don’t think it wasn’t anyone in here.” Not once did he turn his face from the TV screen. “But I heard some loud ass leave the bar a few minutes ago. Maybe find him and ask.”
Arthur felt another warm batch of breath on his neck, hotter than the first.
“You sure this is the way you’d like to proceed?”
Arthur choked on a peanut stuck in his throat, before roughly spitting it out onto the bar. “I’m only here to watch the game, pal.”
“All right,” Discord cooed happily, before giggling. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”
Arthur felt the hand on his seat let go and watched Discord stroll towards the other end of the bar. Using his mismatching arms, Discord parted the gaggle of mostly human girls encircling Star Burst to take a seat right in front of him, his long lizard tail curled tight around a neighboring barstool.
Robert didn’t turn to him when he announced, “We’re leaving. Now.”
Arthur ate another peanut, finding his throat not so dry anymore. “But he didn’t even do anything. Why was I supposed to be afraid of him again?”
“Not explaining. I’m leaving and getting a cab. Wanna split it or do you want to end up as a living, breathing mound of pudding when he eventually figures out it was you?”
“He turns things into pudding? Is that what he does to people?”
Arthur could tell his friend had reached his limit for most everything that night, jokes especially.
Arthur hooked a thumb behind him. “Three quick shots. A washroom break. Then we’ll get the hell out of here.”
***
The moment Star Burst set Discord’s latest beer on the bar, he snatched it up with a claw and tilted the glass on its side to pour it up his nose. Then he sneezed, spraying bits of foam all around the place.
Discord belched. “Sorry about that.”
“Totally fine, sir! Drink however you’d like.” Star Burst took the order of another customer—another girl between twenty-one and thirty—and slid their colorful concoction up to them. After paying and leaving a rather generous tip, the girl spun on her heels and flipped out her phone to snap a picture of her with Star Burst in the background. Star Burst, as bubbly as could be, leapt up into the air to be visible in the shot.
“You’re the best, Star Burst!” the girl exclaimed, before running off to join her table of similar acting friends.
Discord noted the blush on Star Burst’s cheeks. “You seem like quite the popular bartender here,” he began.
Currently cleaning a glass, Star Burst flashed him a smile. “Why thank you, sir!”
“For a changeling,” he finished.
The glass hovering in Star Burst’s aura dropped to the floor and shattered into pieces. The blush on his cheeks darkened to crimson. “Changeling? Don’t know if I follow you, sir. I’ve been a unicorn since the day I was born. Happy to be one, too!”
“Oh? Oh, really?” Discord brought his fingers before his eyes to stare at tiredly. “So if I, say, were to snap my fingers and reveal all the changelings in the room, you wouldn’t have a problem with that?”
Star Burst’s mouth twitched. “Or… or you could not do that.”
“But I kinda want to, though.”
The moment Discord brought his fingers into a snapping position, an aura wrapped around them, forcing them apart. Hurriedly, his hand was slapped onto the top of the bar where Star Burst began pinning them down with his hooves.
“Dude!” Star Burst shouted, before lowering his voice. “Dude, just don’t. All right? You got me , okay? You win! Just… just don’t make a big deal out of it.”
Effortlessly, Discord flicked away Star Burst’s hard hooves. “Fine. I really didn’t come here to ruin a pony’s evening, anyways. So, then, why aren’t you with the rest of your colony? Since Chrysalis is gone, I understand they’ve been looking for a new leader.”
Star Burst rested his forelegs on the bar, careful to keep his voice out of earshot. “They are. And I hear it’s going terribly so far. When we were all transported here, everyone voted to move to Florida because it was hot. But by the time we all left, I… just didn’t want to follow along anymore.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because I made some friends—Star Burst made some friends.” The unicorn lined himself up a shot and downed it, offering an identical one to Discord. With a shrug, Discord drank it, too. Star Burst shook out his body before continuing, “That first month here, everything was weird and scary, and food was hard to come by. So I made up a new persona based off a unicorn I saw walking down the street. Eventually, I named him Star Burst.”
Discord pinched the bridge of his nose. “You based it off the candy, didn’t you?”
Star Burst nodded. “Then there was this flyer for a house with three other stallions, looking for a fourth to help pay rent, so I went to them and that’s where I live now. They’re really nice guys, dude. Once a week, we have game night. And pizza night. And sometimes, dude, they invite mares over and—”
“You say ‘dude’ an awful lot.”
“My roommates say it all the time, so I guess it’s rubbed off on me.” He gasped, realizing his terrible position all over again. “Please don’t ruin this for me, huh? I really like the guys and I consider them my friends. Next month we’re planning on putting our money together and getting a PS4. I don’t know what that is, exactly, but they all seem really excited about it, so—”
“I already said I didn’t come here to ruin somepony’s night.” Discord eyed his empty glass. “As long as you keep filling this up without adding it to my tab.”
Nodding energetically, Star Burst went about filling his order.
Discord said to him, “So then explain this job to me. You actually like tending a bar into the wee hours of the morning; inebriated nitwits screaming at you for another glass of slow-acting poison?”
Star Burst’s eyes almost twinkled as he spoke. “I love it. I love it because they love me . It didn’t start like that in the beginning, but, now, I have a whole group of customers—mainly female customers—that come back to see me again and again when they know I’ll be here. And most human girls just love cute ponies that give them booze.” He looked on the verge of salivating. “Girl’s night here, it’s like a whole buffet of love. I’m almost worried I’m going to get fat someday because of it. Either that or one of my roommates will start wondering why I never eat anything with much substance.”
Discord pulled on his beard. “You’ve really got it made, don’t you?”
Star Burst glanced down with a shy grin. “I kind of do, don’t I?”
“Shame if I snapped my fingers and ruined that all for you.”
“Dude! I already said I’d give you all the drinks you wanted!”
“But now I want something else, dude . Now I want to know if there was a human in here tonight with a particularly bad case of pony distaste.” Discord raised his head and sniffed at the air. “I can smell it, yes. I can tell they haven’t gone far, but now I just need to know who .”
Star Burst exhaled a sigh of relief. “Oh. Is that all you want?” He angled his head to the side. “It was that guy over there. Messy hair, unshaven face. His friend told him to stay in the bar, but he did it anyways.”
Discord smirked. “You must hear an awful lot of gossip around here.”
“Indeed I do.”
“You want to know which one of your roommates is actually a changeling, too? Or which one has a secret crush on you?”
Star Burst’s mouth popped open. “Dude? ”
“I’m only kidding. Or maybe I’m not. Either way…” Discord leaned in closer. “Should you happen to hear of something odd occurring in the next couple of minutes, it would be in your best interests if you tried to pretend it didn’t happen, all right? You never saw me . You never saw those two gentlemen by the end of the bar. Got it?”
Star Burst nodded timidly. “Got it.”
“By the way, you mentioned a ‘game night,’ earlier. Could my misses and I attend sometime?”
“Who’s your misses?”
“One Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
Star Burst grimaced. “The last time I saw her, she kicked my ass and shot me far into the distance using the power of love.”
“Well, then, consider it close to the same. Now she’ll just kick your ass at Monopoly , instead.”
“We don’t play Monopoly . I heard it ruins friendships.”
Discord raised his hand again, fingers poised to snap.
“Or …” Star Burst quickly clarified, “we do play Monopoly .”
Discord gave him a smirk. “That’s a good pony. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some rather important business to attend to.”
That was when Discord snapped himself from the room, making most heads turn in his direction. Gathering up his rag to wipe at the bar, something finally occurred to Star Burst.
“I didn’t even exchange information with that dude.”
***
Arthur forwent the urinal for one of the stalls for fear of stumbling and somehow soiling himself. He undid his pants and sat down with a moan, running a hand down his sweaty and creased forehead. As he unloaded the contents of his bladder, he found the vivid image of the creature named Discord waiting for him every time he closed his eyes.
Might be time to find a new bar , he thought solemnly, if that dragon-thing plans to keep eating here. What did Discord end up doing in that book? Anything? I think I skipped most of his parts. I know he snapped his fingers and that was when shit happened, but…
Then a more pressing concern came to light.
Wonder if Robert will want to get takeout before we get a cab. I know at least three places around here that won’t break the bank.
The sound of a thin tree branch cleanly snapping in two echoed off the washroom’s walls, causing Arthur to look up.
Not hearing anything more, he ran another hand down his face—although this time it wasn’t as soothing as it should have been. That was weird. Also, the toilet seat he was on somehow felt much larger than before; the lock on the door to the stall a good twelve inches higher than it should’ve been.
Disregarding these minor discrepancies, Arthur stood and didn’t bother to flush, reaching up and sliding the lock across the door with as much grace as a gorilla using a closed fist. The whole night’s worth of drinks must’ve finally caught up with him, because Arthur’s pants fell effortlessly to the floor and stayed behind, his newly exposed butt and legs not nearly as naked or unusual as it should’ve felt.
Or as cold with the restaurant’s chilly air conditioning system.
“What the fuck?”
The lock on the stall had been weird enough. Now Arthur found himself looking up at a washroom sink, unable to even glimpse himself in the mirror.
“What is this?” he mumbled out sleepily. “A sink for basketball players? Oh, that makes sense.”
Arthur had spotted the last sink in the room—the one with the small set of stairs leading up to it with a pony decal on the side. First using his front pair of hooves, he awkwardly grabbed at the top step before swinging the rest of his small frame to stand before the mirror. As his bushy tail brushed against his exposed stomach, he surprised himself with a giggle.
“Since when did you get in here?” he asked the pony in the mirror—a stallion with a caramel-colored coat and straw-colored mane. “Hey, buddy, why don’t you get out of my face before I…”
It was odd how well the stallion’s mouth matched his own—even the way his eyes blinked at the exact same time. The pony’s mouth even dropped and hung limp the moment Arthur’s did.
“Pony…” Arthur croaked, a sickness forming in his stomach that hadn’t been there a moment ago. “No… no, that isn’t right. That can’t—”
“What have I become… my sweetest friend…? ”
Arthur spun around on the set of stairs, tripping over his own legs and crashing down to the linoleum floor. He rubbed at his pained side—his side now covered in soft fur—and looked up to find a black speaker system fixed into every corner of the room. Arthur didn’t think those had been there when he’d first entered.
“Everyone I know goes away in the end…
“And you could have it all… my empire of dirt… ”
Johnny Cash. ‘Hurt.’ Arthur had heard the song enough to know it well, although never before had he heard a version where Johnny Cash’s voice had been replaced by Discord’s.
“I will let you down… I will make you hurt…
“I will make you hurt…
“I will make you hurt… ”
The last line repeated for some time.
Author's Note
Warning: the following chapter will contain some darker material.
You can't be surprised, can you?
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Chapter 4: In Which A Certain Someone's Night Goes From Bad To Worse
“Hey there, bud. You feeling all right?”
Someone was touching Arthur’s hair. Or, no—not touching. Petting.
“You should be careful how much you drink. Glasses might be bigger here than they were back in Equestria.”
“What?” Arthur licked his lips and found his mouth tasted terrible, which would help explain the wide circle of vomit on the washroom floor below the sink.
He blinked, trying to get his sight back into focus. He found he was sprawled out on the floor, his bare skin against the cool linoleum. So what’d happened to his clothes? And why was his head resting on some guy’s leg while he ran a hand over his head?
“Put him down and let’s get out of here,” said another male voice, closer to the door. “Leave it to the staff to take care of him.”
The hand touching Arthur’s head settled on his back. It was odd how soothing it felt, considering how horrifically uncomfortable this situation should’ve been making him.
The one petting him said to his friend, “But he’s sick and looks terrible. And he reminds me of my dog for some reason. They’re almost the same size. I feel kind of bad for the pony.”
Pony.
Pony , Arthur thought, before cold, hard awareness took control.
“Gah!” Arthur leapt to his hooves and stumbled immediately as one of them clipped the edges of the vomit puddle. He looked down at his hooves and shuddered at the sight, then brought one up to poke around at his new muzzle and ears, moaning the entire time. “No, no, no, no, oh, God, no!” He stopped and looked at the mid-twenties male still sitting cross-legged on the floor.
“I’m a pony,” he said bluntly.
The male nodded. “I noticed. You feeling okay?”
Arthur shook his head. “No. I’m a pony, but I’m not supposed to be.”
“So you’re not feeling okay? Want someone to call you a cab?”
Now both scared and annoyed, Arthur trotted to the stall he’d exited from before passing out and pushed the door inwards. He looked on the floor for his clothes, mainly his pants which held his phone, ID, and wallet. The sight of the empty stall only added to his growing anxiety.
More things began clicking into place.
“Discord,” he said. “He took my shit and turned me into a pony. He took my shit and turned me into a motherfucking pony !”
The guy by the door nudged his friend in the shoulder. “You ever seen an angry pony before? This is kinda neat.”
Arthur turned to them, cheeks burning red. “I am not a pony, you stupid fuckwads! I… just happen to look like one right now, but… I’ll… I’ll figure this out. I’ll fix this!” He narrowed his eyes to the guy that had been petting him. “And who said you could touch me!? Someone happens to pass out on the floor and your first thought was to scratch their head?”
The guy shrugged and rose to stand. “Hey, don’t go twisting yourself in a knot. I know a few ponies in school that love head scratches. You looked sick, so I thought it would help. Obviously, I crossed a line. No hard feelings.”
Arthur tried to steady himself by only breathing through his nose. Sadly, his new snout and heightened senses only filled him with the smell of vomit. He turned to the pair. “How long was I out?”
“Ten minutes, give or take,” the one by the door said. “But we found you on the floor, so it’s hard to say how long you were there to begin with.”
“I need to find my friend. He’ll understand. He’ll know what to do.”
“A pony friend?”
Grumbling under his breath, Arthur gathered what nerves remained and rushed past the pair of nitwits and out the door. Never before had he felt so naked or exposed.
Or plain terrified.
***
Once Arthur got to the bar and didn’t see Robert nearby, he awkwardly pushed a chair aside to leap up and balance on his back legs so he could look over the bar.
“Star Burst! Over here!” he called, surprised he could recall the bartender’s name at all.
“Hello, again!” Star Burst greeted warmly. “Interested in any specials tonight?”
“No. I’m looking for my friend—tall, thin, ordered some fruity drink earlier. Sat right here and probably ate three bowls of peanuts by himself. I need to know where he went to.”
Star Burst pursed his lips and turned to the side to ponder. “Sorry, can’t say that I remember such a person. Then again, I do see a lot of people during my shift.”
“Seriously? We sat right here just fifteen minutes ago and—” something Star Burst had said before made him pause. “You said ‘hello, again’ when I came up to the bar. What did you mean by that? The last time I spoke to you, I was human. Now I’m a pony that you shouldn’t even be able to recognize.”
Star Burst coughed out a few jittery chuckles. “Umm… I’m afraid if this is a joke, I must not be following it all that well. You’re saying you used to be a human, but got turned into a pony?”
Arthur nodded vigorously, his tail energetically swinging behind him.
Star Burst furrowed his brows. “I must say that’s strange, sir. I don’t have any recollection of you being a human at all. You’ve always been a pony. I should know—I’ve been here all night.”
Arthur clicked his teeth together. “You lying sack of shit! It’s because I insulted you, isn’t it? Tell me! You know exactly what’s going on here!”
Star Burst sighed. “I’m afraid I’m going to need to cut you off, sir. Yelling at bar staff is against restaurant policy, and you ought to know that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed at the other end of the bar.”
Choking on his rage, Arthur popped off the counter and back down to the floor, catching sight of a large red light behind him. Near the bar’s exit was a flashing neon sign of a thick arrow pointing towards the doors leading outside. The neon sign soon reformed itself to read: “GET YOUR PONY PLOT OUT THE DOOR BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO PUDDING”.
Arthur gulped, and eventually did what he was told.
***
Discord sat on the lip of the rooftop overlooking the alleyway, his thin legs dangling over the edge and busily kicking at the air. He watched as Arthur—the brand new pony—hesitantly left the safety of the bar and entered the trash-filled and dimly-lit patch of pavement behind the restaurant. The shutting door nipped on the tip of Arthur’s tail, causing him to yelp and gallop forward a few more paces. There he stopped and looked around, one leg rubbing against the other.
“Hello?” Arthur said. “I got your message loud and clear, so if you want to talk, I’d be more than happy to. I think there’s been a slight misunderstanding here.”
For a moment, Discord shut his eyes and saw what his duplicate he had snapped into reality was doing back in the restaurant with Twilight. The duplicate was trying to decide on a dessert while convincing Twilight she still had room for something sweet. It must’ve been hard for the mare, he knew, only having the one stomach and not the thirty one that he had—including the six specially designed to hold chocolate and sweets.
Convinced things were peachy keen in there, Discord redirected his attention to the newly minted pony below. Everything seemed to startle the poor thing; an empty garbage bag blowing in the wind; the dry crunch of a leaf underneath his new hooves. Even from such a distance, Discord could see him trembling. That was good. That was nice . Almost as sweet as dessert.
“Hello?” Arthur said again. “If you’re out here, please answer me!”
Discord needed to get him moving—needed to force him out of the alleyway. Arthur might’ve been hoping for a quick conversation and follow-up lesson about being a complete and total jerk, but before any such thing could occur, Discord wanted to soften him up a bit.
Shouldn’t take long , he thought, given how fragile he already seems.
He snapped his fingers together.
***
Pacing in a slow circle, Arthur tried to take in every inch of the alleyway at once. In his chest, his heart beat away like a jackhammer. He gulped, remembering the vomit taste in his mouth again. At least vomiting had removed most of the alcohol from his system—his currently much smaller system—so he had more clarity on the matter at hand. Hoof? No. No, he couldn’t start thinking like that.
Everything around him made him want to scream: the noise of nearby cars blaring their horns; the upbeat top 40s music he could hear from inside the bar; even his own hooves steadily clopping against the ground.
As his fear gave him the awareness to think clearly, Arthur strained to recall all the parts of Discord in that book of Steve’s. With the snap of his fingers, Discord could do most anything. Anything at all. Like, for example, turn humans into ponies. But would it stop there? Or would Discord kill him for insulting Twilight? If anyone found a dead pony behind the restaurant, Arthur doubted many would take a wild stab in the dark that perhaps that pony started the night out as a man. Or did Discord have something worse in store for him? Perhaps he’d be turned into a sentient beer bottle, first drunk and then thrown in the trash?
Or was he really going to be turned into pudding like the sign suggested?
“Oh, please let this be a dream,” Arthur whispered. “I drank too much, passed out in the washroom, slept on the toilet. That sounds great. Let’s go with that.”
A low grumbling from behind him pulled at his attention.
He turned in time to watch as the large, green dumpster pressed against the restaurant’s wall opened its lid to reveal two rows of razor-sharp metal teeth, each one dripping with grease and bits of garbage and food. Behind the hundreds of jagged teeth sat a pit of darkness—one giant slice of cheese pizza slithering around inside like a tongue.
The dumpster opened its lid and roared, rising a foot into the air, the wheels on its side forming into stubby working legs. The dumpsters plastic lid curved upwards and downwards to create a jaw, loudly snapping at the air in front of it. It took a few steps from its position, then spun to display its dripping fangs to Arthur—a full hamburger dropping from its mouth as it screeched at him.
Arthur’s tail shot up between his legs and he shrieked, a sound so high in pitch he could’ve easily passed for a train whistle. The moment he turned, he lost his footing, face colliding with the ground. The dumpster monster behind him took another step closer towards him, the rotten smell of garbage growing with every alley-shaking step.
The smell gave Arthur the drive to get away. As fast as he could, he beat his hooves against the cement, soon finding a rhythm. His legs wobbled underneath him, threatening to buckle; he had to concentrate not to trip.
A few meters ahead lay the mouth of the alleyway. Becoming desperate, the hungry dumpster behind him changed its game, turning its stubby metal legs into large wheels that rolled across the ground with ease. As the garbage monster’s pizza-tongue licked at his tail, Arthur screamed again, sparing a quick glance to find some of his fur coated with bits of cheese and grease.
Up ahead, Arthur saw a smattering of people and cars. The second he exited the dimly lit alleyway, he skidded on a puddle and sailed across the sidewalk, plot and shoulders smashing into a vehicle parked beside the sidewalk. A large grey van.
Arthur gasped and looked back down the alleyway.
No hungry dumpsters lay in wait. No evil draconequuses, either. It was as if nothing had changed at all.
“This isn’t going well,” Arthur admitted, biting back his first batch of tears.
“You okay there, pony guy?” asked a male voice from overhead.
Arthur looked up and saw a younger man sticking his head out of the window of the van he slid into. The man had on a backwards facing cap and a thin white shirt with its sleeves cut off.
Arthur quivered out a breath. “No. Not really.”
He gave him a one-sided grin. “Well, that’s too bad.”
That was when Arthur was roughly pulled inside the van.
***
“Sure you don’t want a bite?” Discord asked with a pepper-grinder caked in mashed potatoes and bits of brownie held in front of him.
Twilight shook her head. “I’m good. That salad was enough. I didn’t actually think you could physically eat that much dessert.”
“When it’s free and you’re someone like me, you make the necessary room, Twilight. Did I ever tell you how many stomachs I have?”
“I’ll never understand all there is to know about you, will I?”
Discord grinned, lips covered in random mush. “That’s what makes it fun!” He took another bite. “You feeling a little better? Still glad you came out tonight?”
Twilight looked at the table. “I am feeling better, actually. You’re right; it was only that one guy saying those things. He doesn’t represent everyone’s opinion on us. So far… so far, everyone’s been really nice. I like this place. Maybe I was too quick to judge humans. It’s not like I’ve really interacted with them at all.”
“I’m glad we came, too,” Discord said with a cocky grin, as his duplicate watched Arthur get chased out of the alleyway by a living, breathing dumpster monster. “And I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself, Twilight. You were living in the equivalent of hell for nine months straight. It’s entirely possible your brains might’ve got a little scrambled on the way over here. But that’s why you got someone like me to help put things in perspective! Aren’t you lucky?”
Twilight glared at him. “Scrambled? You think my brains got scrambled?”
He rolled his eyes. “Okay, maybe poached. Speaking about brains, how’s your head feeling?”
Twilight glanced at her empty glass. “A little light, I guess. Why?”
“Because then I can ask you another question that’s been on my mind for a while.”
“Will I like this question?”
“You should like all my questions, Twilight.” Discord ran a paw over his mouth to remove some of the mess. Then he grabbed at Twilight’s hoof with the same paw and held onto it. “One word: kids. Whaddya say?”
Twilight blanched and immediately regretted having nothing left to drink. “Children? As in… you and I have children? Can we, even? I mean, I’ve never really looked into that, but, knowing you, I’m sure it’s possible.”
Discord added his other hand to Twilight’s hoof. “Of course it’s possible, silly billy. With me, anything’s possible. And I was thinking—how ‘bout a cute little filly for you, and a big, strong male draconequus for me? One of each! I could even teach them both how to play hoofball when they’re older!”
“You could guarantee we’d get exactly that, couldn’t you?”
He nodded happily.
“You really want to be a father?”
“It’s something I’ve always wanted to try and it’s something I think I’d be good at. I could be the cool parent that lets the kids stay up late and eat junk food while you could be the stern one that makes them do their homework when they’re supposed to.”
Twilight exhaled slowly. “But what makes you think I’d make a good mother, though?”
Discord looked at her sternly. “Because I love you, and I know a great many other ponies that love you, too. I know you like to teach others and help them when you can. And I think that deep down, you’ve always wanted to have children of your own. And what better place to have them than here on Earth? So that when they’re born, this’ll just be ‘home’ for them and nothing more—loved and cared for by their totally rad and ridiculously good-looking parents.”
“This isn’t another ploy to get me to like Earth more, is it?”
“Twilight, I’d ask you the very same question if you and I were together on Equestria.”
Twilight pursed her lips. “Can I think about it? Give you an answer later?”
Discord snickered. “Well, obviously! I think you’d be the first one to notice if I was trying to get you pregnant.”
***
In the flat back of the cargo van Arthur had been pulled into were three other human males somewhere in their early twenties. Another guy sat in the driver’s seat, drumming his thumbs on the wheel while listening to whatever music he had playing in his head.
Every human inside the vehicle wore similar clothing. The one that had yanked him into the van held a clipboard over a knee with a pen in his hand. He crossed another item off the list.
“Found a pony—check,” he read. “Picture with pony—uncheck.”
He brought out a phone from his pocket and held it up and away from him. He mashed his head next to Arthur’s so they were both inside the frame.
“Smile!” he said, before he snapped the photo of himself next to the terrified pony. He turned back to the clipboard. “Picture with pony—check.”
“What… why are you doing this?” Arthur asked. “I’d like to go now, please. At it is, I’m rather in a serious situation right now, so—”
A heavy hand fell to his shoulder, pinning him to the floor on the van.
The man with the clipboard shook his head. “Just be a few more moments, Mr. Pony Guy. You see, the five of us are on a scavenger hunt of sorts. Four other teams are on the same hunt as us tonight. The team to check everything off the list first and report in? They get to enter the Delta Tau Chi frat, no questions asked.”
“DELTA TAU CHI! ” the other four exclaimed, before slapping their chests with their fists.
“Now,” the clipboard guy continued, “some items on the list are pretty simple. Egg a house. Break and enter. Rob someone. Hack into someone’s wifi network. But seeing as how all you pony guys showed up outta nowhere, this year’s list is kind of different. So when I heard this restaurant in particular caters towards you little guys, I just had them park the van and wait. And as luck would have it, you just trotted right into our arms. I must say that was rather kind of you, so thank you for that.”
One of the men that sat by the rear of the van pulled a black duffle bag out from behind him and set it on his lap. Once he unzipped it, he began searching around inside. Something large and metallic rattled within.
Arthur glanced at the nearest exit—the sliding doors behind the man with the clipboard. He honestly didn’t know if his hooves would even be able to grip it and slid it open.
The man scanned his list again. “The first two pony related tasks here are pretty tame—find pony, take picture with pony. Stuff that won’t frighten the pony, I guess. But the next two items…” he looked at Arthur uneasily, “…you might not like very much. Number 21: shave a pony. Number 22: return with their tail.”
If there was anything left on the pony portion of the list, Arthur didn’t give them the chance to finish. Whirling around, he hunkered to the ground and shot out his back legs, catching the man with the clipboard in the chin and another of them in the shoulder.
Using what little momentum that allowed him, Arthur lunged for the door handle behind him and tried to grip it. It was clear from the onset that his hooves were just too big for the job.
“Hold him down.”
It seemed getting kicked by a pony hadn’t done as much damage as Arthur had hoped.
Several pairs of hands tightly gripped his legs and middle and forced him to the floor of the van. The man with the duffle bag handed out two pairs of electric razors to the men that sat beside him, before pulling out a very rusty pair of gardening shears to loudly snap together.
The man with the clipboard’s face filled Arthur’s vision. “Tails grow back, don’t they?”
Arthur tried to scream, but a hand was already there to keep his muzzle shut.
The man whispered to him. “Maybe this is the moment when you realized you fucked up rather badly, Arthur Mitchell.” When the clipboard man looked at him again, his eyes had turned into giant pools of hypnotic yellow and red, his pupils and irises colliding together as if in a dance.
He made scissor motions with his fingers. “Snip-snip!”
Just out of sight, Arthur saw the shears lower towards him until the man holding them snapped them shut. Arthur waited for a pain that never arrived.
Immediately afterwards, the van vanished altogether and he fell to the cold concrete below.
***
Even as Arthur writhed around on the ground, grabbing at his back and sides, he could sense that someone was standing over him. He hitched in a breath, debating with himself whether to open his eyes and glimpse the figure above him or instead keep clutching at his wounds.
“Get up, Arthur. There’s still much left for us to do tonight.”
Discord. Much giddier than he’d sounded back in the bar.
“Please,” Arthur pleaded to him, opening a single eye to the lengthy monstrosity towering above him. “I’ve learnt my lesson! I shouldn’t have said what I said! It was a mistake and it’ll never happen again! I promise!”
A lone light illuminated Discord from overhead, casting his heavily lined features in deep pockets of shadow. Somehow, even in that dark, Arthur could perfectly make out each one of his sharp teeth and fangs—hanging in the middle of all that darkness like a Cheshire cat’s grin.
Discord angled his head. “You promise, do you? How splendid to hear!”
Effortlessly, Discord scooped him up off the ground and into the crook of his arm before setting him down on a step. He lowered until they were face to face. “So that means you’ve changed your mind about ponies, eh, Arthur?”
By Discord’s maniac smile, Arthur could tell he’d need to watch his words carefully. “Umm… yes. I, uh, believe they deserve to live freely and… uh, not be bothered—”
“By people like you,” Discord interrupted.
Arthur nodded. “By people like me.”
“Asshole, dickish, narrow-minded idiots like you.”
Arthur gulped. “Yes. Those things.”
“Which things, exactly?”
“Asshole, dickish, narrow-minded idiots like me.”
With his eagle’s claw, Discord pinched one of his cheeks. “That sure is some super-duper good news, Arthur ol’ chum! Guess I can’t fault someone for taking their sweet ass time getting on board with things. Well, I won’t bother wasting anymore of your time, then. Tootles!”
Discord popped his hands into new pockets on his sides and casually strolled away, whistling a merry tune out of key.
Arthur’s eyes went from one of his hooves back to Discord. “Wait. What are you doing!? Change me back! I said I was sorry! I’ve learnt my lesson! Seriously! Change me back!”
In the time it took Arthur to blink only once, Discord had returned to him, his snout pressed up against his. Although his smirk might’ve suggested he was in a rather playful mood, Discord’s eyes couldn’t completely hide the burning malice just below the surface.
“But I thought you said you liked ponies,” Discord said thickly.
“I… did, but—”
Discord raised a brow. “But what? I thought that if you liked ponies now, you’d have no problem remaining as one until the end of your days. Unless….” Discord’s smile dropped. “Unless you just lied to me to save your skin a moment ago, Arthur. That was rather unwise, if that’s what you did.”
Arthur didn’t have a single inch to retreat to—his head and plot pressed firmly into the wall behind him. “No. I… still think ponies are fine, I mean, it’s just that…” He tried to think of something else—anything else—that might save himself. “The only reason I said all those things in the restaurant was because there’s a good chance I’m going to be fired from my job soon—fired and then replaced by some pony named Sunflower. You know how embarrassing that could be? A grown man being replaced by a small, talking horse? It’s… it’s…”
By Discord’s continued dour expression, Arthur could tell his revelation had done little to sway him.
“Please! I have a wife and kid! I can’t just come home as a pony! They wouldn’t understand! It would change everything!”
Discord bared his teeth. “What did I tell you about lying, Arthur? You have a girlfriend, yes, one that’s been living in your home for three months. Kids? No kids to speak of. But from what I understand, that girlfriend of yours is a very supportive individual. Must be… to want to be around you for any length of time.”
Arthur said weakly, “I just wanna go home.”
“I know you do. So I’ll help. Can’t wait to hear how you explain everything to her.”
Discord snapped his fingers again.
***
On her way back from the washroom, Twilight nearly collided with the buspony as he was exiting from the kitchen. Before the tray he had kept balanced on his back could hit the floor, Twilight grabbed it in her aura and gave it back to him.
He gave her a smile and a nod. “Nice catch. Thanks.”
“No problem. I should’ve been paying more attention, honestly. A lot on the mind tonight. Alcohol included.”
The buspony used his mouth to set the tray up on his back again. “Don’t know if you caught me yet, but I’ve been staring at your table a lot tonight; haven’t really seen Princess Twilight Sparkle out all that often since we got here. Almost thought that was odd, how I heard you still lived in the city and all.”
“I’ve been around,” Twilight answered hesitantly. “Maybe not as much as I could be. It’s taken me some time to get used to this place—forgetting about Equestria, too. Do you actually like it here? Working and living here?”
The buspony turned to the side. “I mean, it’s not super amazing or anything, but it pays the bills. And, so far, everyone’s been pretty nice to me. I mean, you do what you got to do, right?”
Twilight nodded faintly, before the buspony surprised her with a hug, knocking his tray back to the floor with the motion.
Once he let her go, he said, “Sorry, just thought you could use that. You’ve looked kind of sad all evening. And, also, I guess that’s my way of saying thanks for everything you’ve done for us.”
Twilight furrowed her brows. “Us?”
“Us, as in all the ponies that made it out of that terrible version of Equestria. Without your help, I don’t think any of us would have survived there, or at least not for long.”
“You do understand my original plan wasn’t to evacuate everyone to Earth, right? It was…” Twilight shook her head. “Well, I’d rather not talk about it.”
He put a hoof on her shoulder. “I know what you were trying to do—I read the book, too. But at least you were trying to help everyone there. And if you didn’t try the way you had, then Steve never would’ve switched your plans at the last minute and gotten us all here. But you still attempted something and I’d say that still counts.” He awkwardly scratched at his mane. “Truth be told, all the ponies I’ve been talking to have been a little worried about you. We all thought you’d make the best of it here. Make it easier for us, somehow. Show humans how smart and creative and wonderful some of us can be. I mean, I’m not saying staying inside all day is the worst thing you could do, but…” his cheeks turned a little red. “I’m going to stop talking now, but it was nice meeting you.”
Twilight stopped him with a hoof. “Wait, just one more thing. I heard you lost some family in that version of Equestria. I lost family there, too, and friends. Don’t you find it hard to continue on without them here, in a place that’s really nothing like Equestria?”
He smiled thinly. “Sure, it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes. But I’ve always tried to do the best that I can, no matter what. Some of my family might be gone, same as my friends, but that doesn’t mean I’m gone too. This might not be Equestria, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make it more like home. Things will change here—slowly, probably. But I know things will get better in time. I find that’s usually the way things work.”
Twilight almost hoped he’d hug her again. “How can you stay so optimistic throughout all of this?”
He stared at her quizzically. “From knowing about you, obviously. I don’t think there’s a single Twilight Sparkle story where she’d given up hope completely. You’d be surprised how many ponies that get interviewed refer to the adventures of you and your friends when asked what gives them strength.”
Twilight hesitated, before asking him, “You’re really good at giving hugs. Could I have another one before you go?”
So he did, and Twilight had to be careful not to squeeze him until it hurt.
***
Into a vortex of blinding light, Arthur had wholly disappeared, reappearing in the middle of his hallway at home. The door directly in front of him was the bedroom he and his girlfriend, Courtney, shared. By the crack of light at the bottom of the door, Arthur knew she was still awake. Now came two very hard, but nonetheless important tasks:
Opening the door using only his hooves.
Explaining to his girlfriend that he’d been turned into a pony and asking if she’d be okay with that.
A single step to the door and already Arthur wanted to turn tail and run.
Maybe it would be better if he planned out a speech.
“Courtney, this may be hard to explain, but… you’ve always liked horses, haven’t you? Didn’t you ride some as a kid?”
He shook his head.
“Courtney, I did something a little stupid tonight, but I’m sure we’ll laugh it off in time. Just like that time I bought that jet-ski using your credit card and didn’t tell you about it.”
He shook his head again.
“Courtney, sweetie… oh, Goddamn it.”
Standing in front of the door, Arthur steadied his thoughts and sighed. Then after finding his best grip on the knob, he turned it and stepped inside.
Arthur kept his eyes closed. “Now before you say anything, Courtney, let me try and—”
“Arthur? I thought you’d still be with Robert.”
He opened his eyes to find his girlfriend in bed, the covers pulled up tight to hide her bare chest. To her side was a lump of covers doing a terrible job of concealing a body underneath.
Courtney relaxed a little by the sight of him. “Oh, wait. You’re not Arthur. You’re a pony. How’d you get in here?”
Arthur felt his blood boil. “Who’s in the bed with you!? ”
A stallion with a bright yellow coat and dirty brown mane stuck his head outside the covers. “Sorry about this. She said this was her place and that she was single.”
“Sunflower? No. No, you can’t—” Arthur’s vision went hazy as he nearly collapsed to the floor. While he looked away, both Courtney and Sunflower had been replaced by laughing Discords, all pointing at him while wiping tears from their eyes.
“Having fun yet?” Discord asked, before he snapped him somewhere else.
***
When his shift ended, the restaurant’s buspony exited the building from its back doors, a paper bag of leftovers held tightly between his teeth. By the time he stepped outside, the air had gotten a chill to it. He shivered a single time and reminded himself to buy a scarf next time he had a free day.
The buspony took only a single step outside before he heard someone crying close to him.
“Af ou al wrigh? ” he asked the crying stallion through the bag in his mouth.
A stallion with a caramel colored coat and light yellow mane had curled himself into a tight little ball on the steps outside the restaurant. “I don’t want to be a pony anymore,” he croaked between sobs.
The buspony spat out his bag and sat next to him. “Why’s that? Rough night?”
The crying pony popped his head up from his self-formed ball just long enough to give him a once over. “You’re not Discord, are you?”
The buspony shook his head. “Nope. I just bus tables. What’s your name?”
“Arthur Mitchell.”
“That’s a weird name for a pony.”
“That’s because I’m not supposed to be a pony.”
“I see.”
Arthur kept on crying.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong, then? Maybe I can help fix it.”
Arthur wiped at his face. “I’d rather be left alone.”
“I see.”
The buspony opened his paper bag and pulled out a Styrofoam container. He popped it open and brought it to his mouth to leisurely slurp at a noodle from his stir-fry dish. “You want a bite? Good food always makes me feel better when I get sad.”
Arthur glared at him. “What don’t you understand about wanting to be left alone?”
The buspony munched on a piece of fried broccoli. “That wouldn’t make me a very good pony, now would it? Leaving someone alone who’s feeling down isn’t really my thing.”
Arthur sniffed at the air. “That smells pretty good. I got sick in the bathroom earlier and gave all my dinner to the floor.”
“It is good. Have a bite.”
The buspony ripped the top part of the container off and slid a portion of the noodles into it. He handed it over.
Arthur took the small container of food and stared at it blankly. “Why are you being so nice to me? You don’t know me. I don’t know you.”
The buspony dabbed at his mouth with a napkin. “Because helping others makes me happy; and hearing a pony say he doesn’t want to be a pony anymore kind of hurts, you know?”
With next to no grace, Arthur took a large bite out of his noodle dish. “But I don’t want to be a pony anymore.”
“So you’d rather be a human?”
“Yes!”
The buspony wrapped a leg around his shoulder. “It might seem tough right now, but I know things will get better for us. If you’re having trouble getting a job or having a place to stay, I’m sure one of those pony support groups could help. I could even ask my manager if there’re positions available. But, please, don’t go believing you’d rather be a human than a pony. All you have to realize is that we’re all here for each other—all of us . And sometimes a small gesture goes a long way. If it weren’t for small gestures, I wouldn’t have even gotten my job to begin with. Here, I heard I’m pretty good at these.”
The buspony wrapped his other foreleg around Arthur’s shoulder, pulling him towards him. At first Arthur stiffened, before he returned the embrace and quietly sobbed into his shoulder.
Arthur sniffled. “You really are good at hugs.”
“I know.”
“You guys always looked soft and fluffy.”
“Feeling better?”
“A little.” Arthur paused for a while, clutching him tight. “I’m sorry about what I said. I mean it this time.”
“Sorry about what?”
“About…” Arthur stopped. “You wouldn’t understand. It’s not important, anyways. Just tell me everything is going to be all right.”
The buspony pulled away from him and gave him a light slap on the back. “Of course it is! We all survived to live another day! Doesn’t mean that particular day will be perfect or even close, but we can always try and make the best of it, can’t we?”
“I guess.”
The buspony hurriedly gathered his empty container and threw it into the dumpster behind them. “Sorry I can’t stay any longer, but I need to go catch my bus. If you want to talk some more, I’ll be here the same time tomorrow. Don’t lose faith. You’ll feel better soon.”
In a blast of light, Arthur disappeared from the steps, causing the buspony to briefly shield his eyes with a leg.
“I didn’t think Earth ponies could do that,” he said, before trotting away to catch his bus.
***
As if pulled out of a deep slumber, Arthur snapped awake with a jolt and momentarily forgot about the night’s events. Then, like a rolling avalanche, it hit him hard and he brought a hand up to his face to inspect.
A hand. A real human hand with fingers and everything.
He looked down and found legs inside of pants, as well as his stomach inside a shirt. Below his lap was the same toilet he’d been sitting on when he’d been changed into a pony and all the horrors began. Had he passed out while relieving himself and dreamt everything up? Could that really have been—
“Think again, friendo! ”
The door to his stall was violently kicked inwards, clipping the edges of his knees. Outside the stall was Discord, his arms crossed over his chest.
Arthur screamed. And screamed and screamed. Then he screamed some more.
From behind his back, Discord brought out an audio-recording device and pressed a button, causing the tape to rewind. When he pressed another button, he played back the series of screams Arthur had just so loudly loosed.
As he listened, Discord made conductor movements with his arms. “This is nice. I’ll make sure to listen to this every night before bed.”
Arthur pulled his feet up onto the bowl and brought his hands up to shield himself. “No more! No more! Please!”
“No more? Are you sure? I thought you were starting to get the hang of being a pony.”
Arthur didn’t reply—he only grimaced at what might or might not have been in store for him.
Discord rolled his eyes. “You humans. So lightweight. If I was anything like my older self, you would never have been seen again—left spinning and screaming in a dimension of my own creation, filled with horrors so twisted it would make you think that I’m insane. But, thankfully for you , my duplicate’s currently paying for our bill and I need to make sure Twilight has my full attention for the rest of the night. So looks like our little game is over.”
Arthur exhaled in relief, lowering one of his hands. “Really? I can go now?”
“Yep. Right after I tell you this little, itty bitty bit of advice. Ready to hear it?”
Discord entered the cramped stall until Arthur could feel his breath on his face. All the joy in Discord’s expression melted away as what replaced it was as hard as stone.
He whispered to him, “You insulted and hurt the love of my life tonight. That was very unwise of you. If you ever say anything bad about ponies again, I will know. Don’t think I will know—I will . And then I’ll take off the kiddy gloves and actually throw you in a dimension of my own creation with the sole purpose of hurting you. Comprendre, Arthur Mitchell?”
Arthur nodded, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead.
Discord backed away. “Swell! Maybe if we cross paths again, I’ll buy you a beer! Or not. Who knows?”
Then he snapped himself from the room, leaving Arthur alone for the remainder of the night.
Hesitant to know if it was all another trick, Arthur remained in that same washroom stall until a late-night janitor found him in there and was forced to escort him out.
Arthur had never been more polite to a unicorn in all his life.
Author's Note
Last part up tomorrow.
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Chapter 5: In Which A Birthday Girl Finds Hope
After they’d paid their bill, Twilight and Discord left the restaurant and made their way back to the apartment on hoof. Up above, the darkened sky twinkled with thousands of stars and when Twilight took a moment to watch them, Discord plucked her off the sidewalk and set her high up on his shoulders.
She laughed. “I’m not too old for piggyback rides?”
Discord held onto her legs so she wouldn’t slip off. “Ponyback rides. And, no, you’re not too old for anything. I’m the one that should be too old for things. If we were to truly compare the age difference between us, I’d actually look like some kind of monster—considering I could’ve watched your conception and the conception of both your parents and their parents and their parents and—”
“I get it.”
“Just making sure.”
They walked in silence for a time, Twilight stargazing while Discord casually strolled up the street. By that time in the evening, most people were either in their homes or on the street in their cars, so that left the pair more or less to themselves. The solitude gave Twilight time to think—time to think back on everything that had happened to them in the last couple of years.
“I spoke with that buspony earlier,” Twilight said. “I asked him how he was liking it here.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said it was hard, but that he didn’t mind it too much—that things usually get better in time.”
“Sounds like quite the hopeful chap.”
Twilight rested her head on top of Discord’s, mindful of the horns. “Yeah.” She thought about the next thing she wanted to say; like something she could feel building up inside of her the entire night. “I think I’ve been making excuses to hate this place,” she admitted quietly.
“The apartment?”
“Earth. I think I’ve been going out of my way so I’d never feel comfortable here. I lock myself inside and say that humans are the reason I won’t go out. I tell myself it’s the stares and finger-pointing that makes me want to disconnect from everything, but is that really it?”
Discord didn’t answer her, only waited for her to continue.
Twilight sighed. “I miss Shining Armor and Cadence and Princess Celestia and Luna and Spike and all of them just as much as I ever have. But do you think this is how they’d want to see me? Moping around all day, ignoring everything around me when I could be doing something more? Something positive ?”
“I’d be careful there, Twilight,” Discord warned her, “you’re almost starting to sound like your former self.”
“I could always try to make this place feel more like home.”
“You do understand that home is just a word, don’t you? Anything could become a home with the right ingredients. What did Equestria have that let you call it home? Friends? Family? Things that made you happy?” He paused. “Even if they’re not in the city anymore, Twilight, your friends are still there for you. I’m there for you. And if we were to wed one day, then that would make us a family as well. And if we were to have kids—”
“I still don’t have an answer to that, Discord.”
He chuckled. “And you could always create your own type of happiness here. If teaching others makes you happy, then that’s something you should do. Helping others? I’m sure loads of ponies could use your help right now, adjusting to their new surroundings. You always spoke about traveling to our original Equestria without damaging the barriers between worlds. I’m sure more than a few scientists on this rock would want in on that type of discovery.”
Twilight smiled faintly, then kissed the top of his head.
“Thanks for tonight. I… I think I needed it. It was a nice birthday. A weird one, sure, but a nice one.”
Discord snapped a birthday hat onto her head. “But who says it’s over?”
***
“SURPRISE! ”
The moment they opened the door to their apartment, Twilight was shoved back out into the hall as five mares collapsed on top of her for a hug. The one in the lead was Pinkie Pie with a birthday hat of her own. At the back of the pack was Fluttershy, who might’ve just let herself get pushed out of the way by the others. Regardless, she still latched onto Rarity’s back and gave it a tight squeeze.
“I had the oddest feeling I’d see you girls tonight,” Twilight said, once they detached from her and re-entered the apartment.
Applejack grinned. “Shucks, Twilight. You think we wouldn’t be around for your birthday? It’s not like getting here’s a big deal or anything—not when that boyfriend of yours can just snap us here just like that.”
“Twilight!” Apple Bloom yelled, trotting towards her.
“Hey! How come we weren’t included in the group hug?” Sweetie Belle joined her friend along with Scootaloo, hugging both of Twilight’s forelegs.
Twilight ruffled each of their manes. “Sorry, girls. I think it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. But I’m happy to see you three.”
As everyone made their way to the set of couches Discord had created in the middle of the apartment, Twilight took the time to view all the streamers and decorations adorning the room. If she had to guess, it looked like an even split between team Pinkie Pie and team Rarity—somehow both elegant while brimming with good cheer.
Piled high on the table in the kitchen were several plates of snacks and desserts. Against the wall was a tall tower of wrapped gifts, each topped with shiny bows. Twilight had to take a breath and bite the tip of her tongue when she felt her eyes start to water.
When she finally joined the rest of them in the living room, Sweetie Belle jumped at the opportunity to fill her in on what she’d missed. Turned out, school wasn’t going as bad as she thought it might’ve.
“And the principal was really nice and let all three of us in most of the same classes. What’s not nice is that our teachers won’t let us be in the same group every time, so we’re forced to pair up with other kids in class.”
“And are the other kids nice to you three?” Twilight asked, sipping from the glass of punch Discord had given to her from the kitchen.
Sweetie Belle gave an exaggerated nod. “The kids in class are nice—almost too nice. Whenever we’re supposed to pick teams in gym or recess or stuff like that, it’s always us three that are picked first. And, sometimes, kids get mad when one of us isn’t on their teams.”
“It’s like kids just love ponies or something!” Scootaloo added.
“And the best part is that not a single one of the kids have cutie marks of their own! So it’s like we’re all Cutie Mark Crusaders.” Sweetie Belle grimaced. “Well, or maybe it just means kids on Earth never find out if they’re good at anything or not.”
Rarity told her sister, “I thought I told you before that humans don’t get cutie marks, Sweetie Belle. You must still be thinking of tattoos—which are sort of like cutie marks in their own right, but don’t necessarily need to explain what that person’s talent is.”
“Not everyone can be a lepidopterist,” Discord quipped. When everyone looked at him confused, he grumbled, “It means the study of butterflies for goodness sake! Go read a book, why don’t you?”
Applejack and Apple Bloom went next, explaining where they’d settled down and about the insane enthusiasm over the new Sweet Apple Acres. As it turned out, the moment her and her family set up a new farm and orchard, public interest and overall demand for their pony-created product went through the roof and soon investors were literally pounding on their door to get their business.
After explaining the story, Applejack huffed out a breath. “I mean, having so many people wanting our family’s apples, applesauce, and cider is great and all, but there’s just no way of keeping up with demand! Big Mac tried to keep up for two days straight and it nearly killed him. There’s this one company that wants us to sign with them and go the big machine route—no more bucking trees or making jam from scratch. ‘Machines will do all the work for you,’ they said. ‘It’ll taste the same and no one will notice.’ Sounds nice and all, but Granny Smith and I agree that that’s just not the way the Apple family works.”
“They even want us in commercials,” Apple Bloom said, sitting next to Applejack on the couch, “like the whole family. And they want our pictures on the front of applesauce jars and whatever else they can stick ‘em on. They said that the ‘traditional family image’ is really important to people that buy things. They also said anything with ponies on it nowadays tends to sell.”
Rainbow Dash returned from the kitchen with a plate of cheese fondue. “So you ever make a deal with them, AJ?”
Applejack shook her head. “Not yet. Not until we straighten out some details, and not until the whole family can agree to them. More business would be nice, but at the moment, we’re still making more than we ever had back at the old Sweet Apple Acres.” She eyed up Rainbow Dash’s snack. “That looks good. Fluttershy, why don’t you tell Twilight what you’ve been up to?”
Fluttershy brought a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, right. Well, it’s really nothing special. I mean… I work at a veterinarian clinic now. I’m what they call a ‘specialist.’ Whenever they get an animal that’s behaving a little bad, I come in and try to sooth them—sometimes with a song or by talking to them. It’s amazing how gentle Earth creatures can be once you listen to what they have to say. Such a shame humans here can’t do that with them.”
With a mouth full of cheese, Rainbow Dash asked, “Didn’t you get in trouble just a short while ago?”
Fluttershy blushed and tried to hide behind her mane. “I… might have. I mean… at one time, I kept on bringing animals from work home with me to look after, not realizing their owners might not like that too much. Or my apartment’s supervisor. I truly can’t believe they won’t allow pets there. That’s why I’m trying to save up for a house, so I can have lots and lots of animal friends again.”
As the night wore on, Rainbow Dash explained to Twilight her continued plans for a full-blown Pony Olympics, including all the sponsors that already wanted in on the deal. Rarity and Sweetie Belle had created a higher-end garment store in downtown Philadelphia. At first, they only catered to the small number of ponies in the city, before expanding to accommodate humans as well. Living in the same city and attending the same school as her friends, Scootaloo lived with either the Apple family at their farm, or with Rarity in her shop. Scootaloo said the travel distance between her two homes had done wonders on strengthening her wings. Once in a blue moon, she’d even crash with Rainbow Dash when she had a few days free.
The only friend of Twilight’s that she wasn’t completely sure of was Pinkie Pie, who said she’d gotten a job somewhere in the government sector. When pressed on the subject, Pinkie Pie only gave her a smile and a nod, then said it was secret. A deep secret. Twilight decided to let it go.
To no one’s real surprise, thirteen out of the fourteen gifts labeled for Twilight ended up being books—half about human culture and the other half including some of humanities’ more well-known novels. Twilight had to admit the popular series about a boy wizard attending wizarding school sounded like her type of story, especially when she thought that humans had no horn to speak of.
Then again , Twilight thought, flipping through the first hardback in the set, I never fully understood how that spell book of Steve’s worked, either .
After Twilight had finished unwrapping all of her gifts (including a secondary one from the Apple family that had a “friendship coupon” inside, inviting her to stay with them for a week, bed and breakfast style), Discord snapped together a multicolored bookshelf to stand in the corner. When the bookshelf attempted to nibble on the first book she set inside of it, Twilight zapped it away with her horn and told Discord they’d buy a real one from Ikea when they could.
“I’m almost surprised Steve didn’t come,” Twilight said absently, organizing her books in a neat little stack by the side of the couch.
The abrupt silence in the room made her laugh. Not once that evening had a single one of them made mention of Steve or Sombra or Equestria at all. Discord must’ve asked them not to—or told them not to, as was his usual way with requests.
Twilight waved a hoof. “If you want to talk about Steve, that’s fine. It’s not that sore a subject, anyways.”
“Well, truthfully,” Rarity began, “I couldn’t care less what Steve’s been up to. We all came here to see you , Twilight. So what have you been doing all this time? Have you been working on something? Knowing you, I’m sure it must be big.”
Twilight brought her cup of punch up to her face to hide her burning cheeks. “I… uh… actually, you see—”
“Twilight’s going to be teaching at the university next semester,” Discord answered smoothly, wrapping an arm around her.
She glared at him. “Oh?”
He smirked. “Oh, yes.”
Fluttershy clapped her hooves together. “That just sounds wonderful, Twilight. You’ve always been such a good teacher. What subjects would you do?”
Discord continued for her, “Equestrian history, perhaps, the basics of magic, chemistry—”
“—and lessons in friendship,” Twilight finished.
Discord raised a brow. “Oh? That’s a new one. Hard to say how many humans would attend.”
Twilight thought about what she’d just said—the idea that had wormed its way into her head before exiting from her mouth in such a speedy fashion. “To me, it doesn’t matter who attends. It’s something I think is important. Princess Celestia taught me about the true power of friendship, and you all did, too. It would… it would be a shame to let that knowledge go to waste.”
In a blur of light blue, Rainbow Dash flew over to her. “You know, Twilight, if you ever wanted a guest speaker or something, I could probably find some time in my schedule. Remember that time I punched that dragon in the face? I’m sure everyone would love to hear that story. It was awesome!”
Twilight sighed. “Actually, I do remember, Rainbow Dash, and that wasn’t—”
With the snap of his fingers, Discord froze everyone in the apartment besides the pair.
He whispered into her ear, “Let’s get some air, honey bear.”
So they did.
***
“—the correct way of handling things,” Twilight finished inside the apartment, seated next to Discord.
Twilight watched herself and her friends through the apartment’s outside window, standing on a balcony that hadn’t been there a moment ago.
She watched her other self say something else inside and turned to Discord. “Duplicates? I hope you don’t make me say something stupid while I’m out here.”
Discord chuckled. “I’ve been using duplicates for a while now, Twilight, and so far even you haven’t taken notice. Your friends won’t know a thing—plus, they talk too much and were starting to annoy me. If they wanted to talk so much, couldn’t they talk about me?”
Twilight left the scene inside the apartment and approached the railing on the other end, resting her hooves on it. Discord stood next to her and viewed the horizon—black sky up above, thousands of tiny homes and towering skyscrapers far into the distance. In just that single view, Twilight was again reminded of how far away from home she was. But she found this time it didn’t hurt as much as it had.
“Thanks for covering for me in there,” she said.
“About the job thing?”
“Yeah.”
“What would’ve been the alternative? Explain to them the scholarly pastime known as channel surfing?”
Twilight steeled herself, before explaining, “I think that’s what I want to do. I do want to teach, but only if I can teach about what I think matters.”
Timidly, Discord turned to her. “Truthfully?”
She smiled a bit. “Yes. Explaining it to Fluttershy and the rest of them felt nice, even if it wasn’t exactly the truth. When you mentioned it, I could even see myself in front of a room full of eager students—desks full of parchment and quills.”
Discord ran a hand down his face. “Laptops , Twilight. Humans have laptops .”
“Either way, it’s… it sounds like a nice idea. Or at least something to think about.”
On the railing, Discord moved his hand to hold Twilight’s hoof. “You know what this means, don’t you? If you get a job, then I’ll need to get a job. That sucks. I can’t even remember my last job. What do you think I’d be good at? Actor? I’d be a real shoo-in for the next Bond villain. Or maybe I could be a sports mascot. The Denver Draconequuses! Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?”
Twilight laughed, resting her head on his side. “Maybe you could be the stay at home boyfriend.”
He cocked a brow. “You mean staying home and looking after the kids?”
“I mean staying home and making sure you don’t accidentally end the world—this is kind of our home, at least for now, and there’s only the one of them.”
Discord held his breath for a moment. “You called this place home just now. Did you really mean that, Twilight?”
“I think so. In time, I think I could. Tonight was a good way of showing me that it’s possible. The moment I got here, I trapped myself in a bubble … it just took some time for someone to pop it and let me actually experience this place for myself.”
Discord eyed his free hand. “My claws are awfully good at popping things. But enough seriousness for one night—that Arthur business was grim enough as it was.”
“Arthur business?”
He chuckled. “You misheard me, Twilight. I said armoire bee’s nest.”
“That still doesn’t—”
Discord pressed a finger to her lips. “Tut-tut! No more words. Close your eyes.”
“Wealy? ” she asked through mashed lips.
“Yep.”
With a sigh, Twilight climbed off the railing and shut her eyes. A moment later, she heard Discord snap something out of the air.
“All right. Open up.”
Kneeling before her, Discord held a small black box with a silver ring inside—about a half-sized larger than the wedding rings most humans wore.
He smiled playfully. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, will you do me the honor of marrying me? Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and all around amazing guy?”
Twilight wrapped a leg around his middle and buried her face into his chest. “Of course I will. You’ve always known that I would. But don’t you remember—”
He pulled a slip of paper from behind his back and unfurled it. “Ponies marrying draconequuses? That little hiccup? Finally made law a little over a week ago. And since there’s not all that many of me here on Earth, they sent it to us directly.”
“I can’t see them doing that.”
Discord frowned. “Fine. I stole it. Whatever. It just looks so much better this way.”
Twilight sighed and decided to let it go, wrapping her other leg around Discord’s middle. It was nice how warm he was in the cool night air.
“We’re going to be all right, aren’t we?” she said to his stomach.
“Was there ever any doubt? You and I, Twilight, if we put our minds to it, could rule this world!”
“Or maybe we could first try being happy and content here.”
“Fine. Have it your way.” He ran a hand along her back. “I’ll put global takeover on the back burner, then.”
“Thanks.”
“So… if you don’t have any plans for tomorrow—time for a wedding?”
“Ask me again in three months.”
Finally prying herself from him, Twilight levitated the ring from the box and slid it onto her horn, settling it down near her mane. “Look all right?”
Discord tipped her a wink. “Looks exactly like twelve thousand dollars worth of Steve’s money.”
She gave him a dirty look and he gulped.
“I mean, it looks lovely, Twilight. Now let’s go make Rarity jealous with it.”
Twilight hugged him once more. “Not too jealous, though. And, again, thanks for tonight. This was a really nice birthday. And I know you worked hard on it, and I appreciate that.”
“You know I’d do anything for you.”
“I do. And that’s why I love you.”
With a hand behind her head, he kissed her. “I love you, too, Twilight.”
Twilight turned back to the apartment and gasped. All eight of her friends and even the Twilight and Discord duplicates had found a spot by the window in which to watch them from. In Pinkie Pie’s lap was a box of popcorn that she ate from happily.
Discord coughed into a fist. “Time to go back in?”
Twilight agreed.
Author's Note
So that was sure a weird one, eh? Let’s see if I can explain.
Ever since finishing “Sombra the Highly Unmotivated”, I’ve always had random ideas about what would happen to everyone once they wound up on Earth. The first idea (and the largest) was a full blown, multi-chapter sequel much like the first story.
The first half or third would detail Steve and Som-bro Puff (what I’ve referred to his colt version as) during his rise to fame and book deal. I even thought of giving Steve a romantic interest that Sombra could become jealous of.
It would also detail Twilight and Discord as well as the rest of the mane six as they explore Earth with all its setbacks and advantages. Plus, Twilight dealing with missing her Equestria. All very slice of life stuff.
But of course, because it would be a naturalbornderpy production, the second half would reveal the darkness and the fact that by being transported to Earth, the barrier surrounding it was weakened—although not to the extent that it was in alt-Equestria.
Steve would be the first one to notice, as perhaps a race of shape-shifting aliens takes over all of Starbucks and slowly spreads all over Earth. The rest of the story would be Steve and Sombra joining with Twilight, Discord, and the rest and figuring out what to do—action and explosions and all that crap.
I didn’t hate the idea, but I never loved it, either. So that’s why I went this route instead.
Three things always interested me most when thinking of a continuation to “Unmotivated”:
Twilight missing home and not being able to accept Earth.
What Discord would do to a human that insults ponies.
How ponies and humans would blend together and how.
So that makes this story a slight combination of the three—told in five parts so I made sure I actually finished something for once.
Tl;dr: thanks for reading this odd tale. And a big thank you to my long time editor spigo for editing this. I’m starting to believe he must be a sadomasochist for sticking with me for so long.
Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t make fun of ponies or Discord will find you and eat you with ketchup and jam.
