When Your Roommate Starts a Cult
Bon Bon whistled happily to herself as she trotted home after a long day working at the candy shop. She was in high spirits, she'd gotten a bonus, had really pleasant customers, overall it had just been a great day and now she looked forward to going out with a couple friends for bowling, then returning for a nice relaxing evening at home, maybe curl up on the couch with a good book and a bowl of ice cream. She was just imagining the possibilities for the night as she neared her destination, the quaint little cottage which she shared with her best friend and room mate, Lyra. Bon Bon trotted up the garden path, not a care in the world, and opened up the front door, singing out "I'm home Lyra!" Then she blinked... And blinked... And blinked a few more times.
There, in front of her, in the lounge room, stood Lyra, hunched over podium with a large book on it, a quill held in her magic. She was dressed in a yellow edged black hooded robe, the hood half covering her eyes. On either side of the podium sat two ponies she didn't recognise, both dressed in the same robes as her friend with the hoods pulled down so she could see their muzzles and barely see their eyes. Both were mares, one was yellow with purple eyes and the other was a blue with green eyes, and looking closer she could see the yellow mare had put holes in her robe for her wings, so she was a pegasus.
"Hey Bon Bon!" Lyra said, smiling as she waved to her friend.
Bon Bon stared blankly before asking, "what are you doing?"
"Writing," came her simple response as she looked down to the book, quill moving on the paper.
"Aha... What's with the robes? Are you going to a fancy dress party or something?"
"Nope, I just like robes." Lyra seemed really focused on her writing.
"O...kay. Um... Who are the ponies beside you?"
"Hmm?" Lyra looked up.
"The ponies sitting on the ground, on either side of you," Bon Bon gestured to them with her hoof.
"Oh them. They're acolytes." Lyra looked to them, smiling.
Bon Bon looked confused, "whose Acolytes?"
"Mine!" Lyra said with a look of glee on her face.
"Lyra...?"
"No! Not Lyra! I am now... Origin." Lyra lowered her head, hiding her face in shadows.
"Okay... Origin?"
"Yes?" Lyra, or Origin as she now wanted to be called, looked back up to Bon Bon.
"What's happening?"
"I, Bon Bon, am now the leader of the one and only true religion."
"Really"
"Yes."
"Do you still work at the music store?"
"No, I work only in Her service." Lyra raised her hooves to the ceiling.
"Of course, what was I thinking?" Bon Bon proceeded to remove her saddlebags and put them on a shelf by the door. "Do you still help to pay rent? I only ask because it's due tomorrow, and if your 'Acolytes' want to crash here I think we need to have a chat."
"This is a holy place now. We won't be paying to worship."
"Really? And what are you worshiping exactly?"
"Her!" Lyra levitated up an adorable bumblebee plushie, and immediately the Acolytes threw themselves to the floor in worship. "ADORE HER!" Lyra commanded. "Adore her, for without her you would not be! Without her foresight, her creativity, her adorable-ness, and her awesome power, YOU would not exist!"
"Sure, sure..."
"BOW DOWN TO QUEEN BEE!" Lyra leapt up onto the podium, standing on her hind hooves, but being careful not to stand on the book.
Bon Bon gave her friend a look that just screamed 'seriously?'. She'd had just about enough of this. "Lyra, I'm going out later and to do that I need to have a shower and get ready. I'm sorry, but I don't have time for your make-believe."
"Make-Believe?!" came the simultaneous cries from the two Acolytes who were suddenly standing on either side of Bon Bon, so close she could smell their breath.
"Err, that's a little creepy..."
"Do you not believe?"
"In... the bumblebee?" Bon Bon asked incredulously.
"Those of her creations who do not believe. They are damned. They should be DESTROYED!" Lyra proclaimed, her hoof in the air.
"I just walked in the door Lyra, I haven't really had time to 'believe' yet." Bon Bon tried to back away from the so-called Acolytes, but they began to circle her.
"Believe or be damned," said the pegasus.
"Believe or I don't like you!" cried the other.
"Live like I do or don't live at all," said the pegasus again.
"Believe or die," said the other mare.
"What in Tartarus is going on Lyra, why are they talking like that?" Bon Bon said, getting annoyed.
"To not believe is a sin against us and that is punishable by death!" Lyra said, eerily serious sounding.
"You're going to actually kill ponies for not believing a plush bumblebee created the universe?" Bon Bon asked.
"Yep"
"So far, apart from you guys, I'm the only one who knows about this. Are you saying that everyone else in the world is damned? All our friends and families?"
"They will hear the word, and they WILL accept Her into their lives," Lyra replied, magically shoving the bumblebee into Bon Bon's face.
"But what if they don't hear the word?" Bon Bon asked, leaning away from the toy and wondering if Lyra had always been this crazy.
"They WILL hear the word," Lyra replied with certainty in her voice.
"Well, what if they... What if they're primitive tribal ponies who live in a little village deep in some massive jungle on the other side of the world?"
"Fear not Bon Bon," Lyra chuckled. "Their ignorance shall be punished in the afterlife."
"Oh well that's certainly a relief." Sarcasm oozed from Bon Bon's voice.
Suddenly, as if having teleported, Bon Bon found her vision filled with angry mint unicorn. "DO NOT MOCK US!" Lyra shouted.
"Why not?" Bon Bon dared.
At that, the three mares threw back their hoods, revealing that one of Lyra's 'acolytes', the black and blue maned yellow pegasus, was Honey Sweets, a fellow candy maker who specialised in honey based candy. The other mare was a navy maned blue earth pony, named Postal Trip, who worked at the Ponyville post office. What shocked Bon Bon though was that all three mares were wearing headbands adorned with bee antenna. Honey spoke up then. "We have no sense of humor," she deadpanned.
"But not to worry," Postal spoke up as Lyra and Honey held Bon Bons shoulders, "for She is forgiving! No matter what pain you have caused to others in your life, no matter what sick, perverse, immoral things. All you need to do is accept her and you shall be absolved of all guilt."
"That seems like a bit of an easy way out... So I can do anything and still be forgiven?" Bon Bon asked.
"Yes!" Postal replied eagerly.
"Rape?"
"Yes" Honey replied.
"Cannibalism?"
"Ooh yes," Lyra smiled.
"Genocide?"
"Anything!" Postal replied with a wave of her hoof.
"Wow, so tempting. A licence to do whatever with, no consequences, and all I have to do is lie and say I believe that thing controls the universe." Bon Bon was getting tired of this.
"Accept Her!" Lyra shouted.
"You do know that bumblebee is mine, right?"
This seemed to stop the 3 mares dead, they stared at Bon Bon, shock written all over their faces. "What?" murmured Lyra.
Bon Bon sighed, finally facehoofing. "You've been in my room again."
Ignoring Bon Bons remark, Lyra gasped. "Are you saying you created Her?"
"No, I'm saying I won her by bobbing for apples."
"Then..." Honey murmured.
"SHE'S NOT YOUR GODDESS!" Bon Bon shouted at them.
While Honey and Postal looked crestfallen, Lyra looked thoughtful. Hoof to chin, she hummed for a few moments before her eyes lit up suddenly. With a huge smile, she pointed at Bon Bon "how could I not see it before? Forgive me Bon Bon for I was blind, but I realise it now, YOU sent Her to us!"
"I... What?" Bon Bon asked, perplexed.
"You sent Her here... To teach us your word!" Lyra exclaimed.
"She's your prophet" Honey said in wonder.
"PROPHET!" Postal shouted.
"Alright, sure, She's my prophet," Bon Bon said. Immediately the mares fell to their knees, bowing to their supposed God. Bon Bon watched them a moment before sighing. "Alright, well I'm gonna go have a shower," she said, before turning and heading down the hall. It didn't take her long to realise that the three were crawling along behind her. "What are you doing?"
"We're coming with you oh Great One," Lyra said, lowering her head to bow again.
"I'm not going to shower with you three watching!"
"But we must bask in your glorious-ness!" Honey cried.
"Well thanks, but you still can't watch me shower."
"How else can we worship you?" Lyra asked.
"I think you can worship me just fine from the lounge room. In fact, why don't you all head to the kitchen and worship me up a cider?" The mares all leapt to their hooves and scrambled away down the hall. Bon Bon sighed in relief, hoping now to have some peace, until she heard them returning almost immediately, bottle of cider floating in Lyra's magic. She facehoofed when it was offered to her.
"Is there something wrong with the offering?" Lyra asked, worried they might have picked the wrong cider and displeased their Goddess.
"Yes" Bon Bon said.
"What is it?" Postal asked, sounding like she might cry over disappointing Bon Bon.
"It's being offered to me by three grown mares, dressed in robes, wearing bee antenna headbands, who call themselves Origin and the Acolytes... Origin and the Acolytes, you sound like some coltband I would have listened to as a filly." Bon Bon now glared at them, mentally willing them to realise just how annoyed she was.
"Does this displease you oh Great and Glorious One?" Lyra asked.
"Oh for ponies sake..." Bon Bon groaned. "I AM NOT A GOD!" She shouted in her friends face.
"It's a test!" Postal then exclaimed.
"A test for our loyalty!" Honey agreed, and the mares dropped to bow, hugging her legs now.
"You are a Goddess oh Mighty One!" Lyra said as she clung to Bon Bon's leg like a foal clings to their mother when scared.
"I'm not mighty!" Bon Bon said as she tried t pull her hooves away.
"But you are!" Lyra insisted.
"I'm not!" Bon Bon said as Honey and Postal muttered 'Mighty'. "I'm not your Goddess!" She cried.
"But how do you know?" Lyra asked.
"Because I can't block out the Sun by stomping my hoof!" she shouted angrily as stomped her free hoof for emphasis, and...
Suddenly there was only darkness...
"Oh buck me..." Bon Bon muttered into the complete and utter darkness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MEANWHILE IN CANTERLOT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ponies of Canterlot ran through the darkened streets, screaming about the return of Nightmare Moon. Even with the light from the houses that had been set aflame, many of the ponies still blindly crashed into one another. It didn't help that all the streets were now made of soap, with Discord getting in on the action.
From their vantage point in one of Canterlot Castle's towers, Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle watched on, the former laughing her head off while the prior looked worried.
"Should we really be letting them do this? Won't it hurt their image in the public eye?"
"Oh lighten up Twilight, these stuffy Canterlot nobles need a good frightening every couple of decades, you should have seen my Solar Flare costume, it was years before anypony tried wasting my time with trivial matters like increasing pay for government officials or turning an orphanage into a spa because they didn't like all the noise the foals made!" The Princess of the Sun grinned down at the much younger alicorn. "I'll bring back the sun in a minute or two, but Luna needs this, the nobles won't try pushing her around anymore just because she's so out of touch."
Twilight sighed but nodded, it did make sense, if ponies realised that Equestria's greatest rulers could also become Equestria's worst nightmares when pushed too far, they'd be less likely to push in the first place. "And Discord?"
"Oh, he's just having some fun," Celestia grinned.
"Right..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bon Bon had been furiously stamping her hoof on the ground for the past few seconds when the light returned. The next thing she knew was that she was sitting atop the podium in the lounge room, her bumblebee held in her hooves. "What the buck was that!?"
"It was your power over the universe Bon Bon," Lyra said in awe.
"I'm not a Goddess, I'd know if I were... And... You work at the music store, and as for you two... Lyra, how'd you even convince them of this stuff?" Bon Bon said, now feeling a little nervous.
"You still don't believe? You've heard the word, you've seen your awesome power, and yet you STILL don't believe?" Lyra almost shouted.
"It's just... It's ridiculous" Bon Bon said.
"Blasphemy!" Honey and Postal cried.
"Oh shut up! I can't blaspheme against myself!" Bon Bon tried to reason as she climbed off the podium.
"But you don't believe in yourself Bon Bon," Lyra said.
"No. I mean, Bon Bon isn't exactly an awe inspiring name for a Goddess"
"Bon Bon... Bon Bon... Bon Bon... Bon Bon..." Lyra started chanting, the other two joining in as they closed in on Bon Bon.
"Believe or I hate you!" Cried Postal Trip.
"Hey!" Bon Bon pulled away as Honey Sweets grabbed her shoulder.
"Believe or be damned!" the yellow pegasus said, grinning.
"Hey guys, calm down, this is getting out of hoof!" Bon Bon was really starting to freak out as the chanting of her name continued.
"Live like I do or don't live at all!" Lyra said.
"BELIEVE OR DIE!" the three mares shouted and Bon Bon felt something hit her as the world was plunged into darkness again.
"Help!" Bon Bon screamed as Honey and Postal held her down and the light returned, only it was red. She struggled to get away as Lyra stood over her grinning wickedly.
Darkness as she broke free and something smashed, and she was battered by something.
Red light, a scream, the bumblebee covered in a thick dark sticky substance.
Darkness.
Light as Lyra raised her hooves for the final blow as Bon Bon lost her struggles against the mares. All of them were covered in the same sticky dark substance.
Darkness...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CANTERLOT IN RUINS AFTER PRANK GONE WRONG
Yesterday afternoon the citizens of Canterlot fled in terror when the sky went dark, and who could have blamed them? It seemed like Princess Luna had once more been transformed into the villainous monster known as Nightmare Moon, and to make matters worse, the God of Chaos had appeared to have joined her, turning roads to soap and making the street lights come to life. Half of Canterlot burned, though no pony knows who actually started the fires, it is believed that at least two ponies had started to burn down their houses before Nightmare Moon appeared, as they were trying to claim the insurance.
Things had seemed to take a turn for the worse when the sun returned, then turned red. Solar Flare, the evil version of our beloved Sun Princess, then made her presence known, flying from the castle to battle her sister for the title of Supreme Overlord of Equestria. The mock battle that ensued was a sight to behold, and truly terrifying despite it not actually causing any damage to the city, or hurting any of it's citizens.
The fight lasted only 5 minutes until neither princess could keep in their laughter, at which point Princess Luna dropped her disguise and proclaimed to the city in her Royal Canterlot Voice that "It's Just A Prank Bro!" to which a reply of "Aww dang it" was heard from the draconequus Discord.
When asked on her opinion, Princess Twilight Sparkle said that while she was not a fan of this extravagant type of prank, she could see the wisdom in the princesses doing it, though she refused to elaborate. When asked if she would be pulling any similar pranks in the near future, the princess replied that no, she wouldn't, after an experience in Ponyville and now this, she'd had enough pranks for at least a decade or two.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lyra groaned, staring down at her plain, boring old toast. She also groaned because of her hurt hoof which had a thick bandage on it. Bon Bon looked up from her newspaper and rolled her eyes at her friend. "It's your own fault, you shouldn't have left your jar of blackberry jam on the coffee table where it could be so easily knocked off during a life and death struggle. "
"Well you shouldn't have struggled and let me kill you, then it wouldn't have been knocked off, and I wouldn't have cut my hoof on the glass, and I wouldn't have had to spend an hour cleaning up jam," Lyra replied glumly.
"You shouldn't have been trying to kill me. Anyway, you can't kill somepony by beating them with a cushion," Bon Bon said, eating a spoonful of cereal as she continued to read the paper.
"I just wanted to start a cult, the Acolytes needed to see I was ready to defend their beliefs!" Lyra whined.
"Yeah, well, there will be no more starting cults if you want to continue being roommates."
Lyra snorted at that, "you're no fun."
The End
