Lose Yourself

by Mikleo

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Sad
Length: 4876

Death is unforgiving. Dark. Cold. Somebody close to Rainbow Dash is dead, taken away by a simple accident. Dash doesn't like being cold.

Death is unforgiving. Dark. Cold. Somebody close to Rainbow Dash is dead, taken away by a simple accident.

Dash doesn't like being cold.

Entry for contest here.

Published 2015-10-16 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-16 14:40:01 UTC

It's Too Cold

I took in a deep breath, feeling shaky and unstable. Smoke. My eyes stung as I squinted to block out the intensity of the flames. This wasn’t happening. No. I’m hallucinating. This isn’t real.

Bright red was all I could see. From fire and light; my god, the lights, they’re flashing everywhere. Ringing. Blaring sirens pelted my ears with an onslaught of high pitched ringing. Ring, ring. I swear my ears were bleeding.

Twilight walked up to me, standing by my side.

“I-I didn’t… this wasn’t supposed to…”

Sunset’s enraged screaming powered over her as she practically tackled Twilight. Reds danced across her already fiery-orange skin, spinning around and doing little twirls. She smelled strongly like smoke too, and my lungs began to burn from breathing it in.

Blue. It streamed down her cheeks. She had her fists clenched, nails digging into her skin. More red. More smoke.  But…

But, but, but.

Where was she?

I wandered over to the curb, dodging a few chaotic medical workers.  Everything was supposed to be okay. Twilight didn’t know what she was doing. Who the hell let her drive a car anyways? Me?

Oh wait.

It’s too cold.

The cart carrying her whizzed past me. I felt myself begin to shake.

My eyes met hers. At least, they would’ve if her eyelids weren’t in the way. Dumb, aren’t they? Who needs to blink? My legs were shaking. I needed to sit down.

Cough, cough.

There was Fluttershy, shaking like my legs on the curb next to me as a nurse or whatever wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, tending to her wounds while mumbling reassurances. It was bullshit though. I heard something about a broken leg before she burst into tears, the nurse frantically trying to calm her. I looked away into the distance.

I began to smell apples.

Applejack.

She needed to be here-

Pft.

Nothing’s even happened.

It’s all okay.

They said there was a chance.

But that was before they started shouting about a defibrillator or something...

My hands crossed each other and wrapped around my waist.

I’m leaning beside Pinkie, a mug of hot chocolate warming my palms as controlled flames flickered before me. The smell of it wafts into my nose and heats up my nostrils, my mouth watering. I swish it around in my mouth to savor the sugary taste, and the feeling of being warm to the point where it almost burned, in a good way. Pinkie laughed a high pitched, girly laugh. She wore a goofy yellow hat and matching scarf, and a purple, fluffy coat.

She hadn’t been wearing an oxygen mask then.

It wasn’t cold then.

Sunset had pushed Twilight down on the ground, which now looked as if it had been rained on. Sunset wasn’t such a firebrand before this whole mess. What was Pinkie doing to us while she slept?

“It’s too cold for you here.”

She didn’t say that though.

“C’mon, silly, why sulk around in the snow?”

She had said that before she took me in for a drink.

I turned around from the curb, blocking the setting sun from my eyes.

But she wasn’t there. There were only frantic paramedics and firemen rushing around as an ambulance sped off. The screech of tires and shared sad looks were all that filled the air.

She was somewhere.

Not in there though. Not in that truck; it’s only for…

Pinkie’s fine, she doesn’t need that.

I looked around the site of the accident. Rarity was crying, quietly for once. One hand covered her mouth and one arm was wrapped around her chest. Smoke blew out from behind her, black plumes buffeted by the harsh autumn winds, wavering and spiraling upwards into the sky.

Rarity turned around only to let out a sob.

The car.

“Twilight, why are you driving?”

I stood out in front of the mess of confetti and stickers that was Pinkie’s home, tapping a foot against the pavement as I held the phone to my ear. I heard a car door slam in the background before she spoke.

“Dash, these things are easy to use. Permit shermit, those things are useless. I can take my dad’s car for a spin to play around, andtake Pinkie home at the same time. Multitasking!”

I snorted.

“Since when do you ‘play around’ with things?”

Her voice’s tone instantly switched to ‘all-mighty nerd’ as I heard the engine rumble.

“Since I discovered a fascinating new mechanism that could advance our automotive technology by decades, revolutionize this era, and take us into the future of transportation! I just need to test-drive it first, heh.”

“Well… okay Twilight, go science. But don’t go screwing things up.”

With one final gush of water from the hose on the other side of the upturned car, the burning in my lungs was put to rest as the fire closest to me faded into oblivion. Meanwhile Rarity was escorted away as a house lit ablaze. I glanced around.

Twilight and Sunset were split up, on opposite sides of the street. I’d seen Fluttershy call some cops who had to break it up, but not before Twi had gotten a black eye and a broken nose.

My teeth chattered. I felt pricks of stinging cold travel throughout my body.

It’s too cold.

Pinkie, where are you?

I’d kill for some hot cocoa by the fire again.

Oh wait, you left me.

...no you didn’t.

You couldn’t have.

C’mon Pinkie, it’s sweater weather! Where are you in a ridiculous clashing, brightly colored sweater? With fuzzy pants to match?

I looked around, the world spinning. Not a hint of pink.

You’re not gone. It’s too cold there. You’re here.

Applejack came running up from behind. She put a hand on my shoulder, panting. I turned to face her.

“Rarity called me, sobbing. Somethin’ ‘bout a car wreck or… o-or whatever. What the hell’s going on?”

“It’s too cold for you here.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Dash?”

I wasn’t going to cry. No, I wasn’t. She’s here.

Pinkie didn’t die in the car crash.

“She’s gone, Applejack. Pinkie died.”

What was I saying? She’s alive.

She’s…

“Rainbow Dash…”

I had fallen into her arms. I was crying. I wasn’t even holding myself up, legs curling under me. All she could do was give me a bewildered look.

“It’ll be… what am Ah saying Dash, what are we gonna do without her?”

My hands tightened their grip on the back of her shirt. At least she was warm and smelled like apples. Bittersweet ones, though.

But what about Pinkie? She’s alone. She’s cold.

No she’s not.

Yes she is.

I opened my eyes to see my tears run down the back of Applejack’s coat. Why was I doing this? But then as I shifted my head to her shoulder, the sun’s light caught on something in her front pocket: her phone. Before she could stop me my hand darted to grab it, my other pushing her away as I crawled off my knees. Rubbing away tears with my sleeve and rapidly jabbing in Pinkie’s phone number, I turned away from Applejack and lifted the phone to my ear.

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

She’d pick up eventually. Then all the people looking at me would understand.

Ring…

Ri-

“He-ya, you’ve reached the voicemail of Pinkie Pie! Sorry I’m not here to pick up the phone, probably busy with cake or the Cakes! Hah, that’s funny; they share the same name! Anyways, leave a message at the beep-y noise.”

Beep.

I couldn’t say anything.

The phone slipped from my hand.

Applejack had been talking to one of the medical staff there, looking as if she was about to snap. I could tell she was choking back tears. Turning back towards me, seeing the phone on the ground while my hands began to shake, she spoke.

“Dash… she’s gone. They got the news a few minutes ago.”

“No she’s not.”

Applejack persisted.

“Dash, just listen-”

“Pinkie’s just busy.”

“Look, Rainbow Dash-”

“I said she’s fine, AJ, so just shut up and-”

“She’s dead!”

All the mumbling and other crazy sounds around me ceased once more. Applejack threw her hands over her mouth, her pupils growing as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. I could hear her raspy whispers through them: “I’m… I-I’m… Oh God, it is too cold…”

But that didn’t matter.

I was ready to murder myself. I had let it happen.

I needed to listen to the cold, hard truth.

 Pinkie was dead.

I felt it leave my lips hurriedly, voice cracking as I clenched my hands into fists.

“I-I need to go.”

Applejack tried to place herself in front of me, but I pushed her away and made a break for the corner. Feet pounding against the ground, I cried. I didn’t care if anyone saw, I just needed to cry.

Because Applejack was right.

One love, one house. But that house was gone.

She left me.

I’m going to be cold forever.

Black. Red to black. Two months of fighting among us and this was finally it. Black, black, black. I wore a black dress. I hated dresses, and Rarity did nothing to change my mind with this one.

Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Sunset, and Applejack all wore black dresses. They hated the dresses, too. I’m sure of it.

The clouds were pitch black and hung low, shaped like a spiral above us, thick with rain. Just perfect. I saw that all of Pinkie’s family was there too, but other than that no one else. This was the private funeral. The school and everyone else had done the visitation two days ago.

It had snowed, a thin sheet of it covering the yellowed grass around us. A few patches were thick here and there though. In the distance a red house was visible, since we’d decided to bury Pinkie in a small field behind Applejack’s orchard-- it just felt right to have her resting by one of her friends, not alone in some graveyard. She was lonely enough as it is.

It’d be too cold for her too. She looked too cold, anyway, in that coffin, with a dark dress like ours. It didn’t fit her at all. Where were the funky colors and mixed fashion trends? That wasn’t Pinkie there, just a body to go in the ground that happened to have her face. Who even chose this stupid dress?

I stared at her while the others silently murmured consolatory words. Her eyes were closed like they had been at the crash, face paler than usual. Had they opened when they put all those stupid chemicals in her body to make her like this? Did they look scared? Terrified?

Because I am.

Twilight stood by me while everyone else stood between us and Sunset. There were rumours at the school that she nearly strangled Twilight in gym when the teachers left to break up another fight in the hallway. But my eyes locked back on Pinkie’s blank face.

Lookit Pinkie, hogging all her smiles and laughter to her corpse.

No, what am I saying?

Look at her, she’s a doll. She’s flawless. Light pink skin, perfectly curled and frizzy hair, the smell of roses, the baby smooth skin. While the others looked down to pay respects at this time, I admired this doll. Even in death, she was so beautiful. Big Mac couldn’t bury her yet.

Beautifully dead.

I smiled and cried at the same time while the others held their tears in to remeber her. Remember what? How she made us laugh? How this was all some kind of sick, screwed-up joke played by life? Ha ha, you heard the news that she’s dead and you guys are next!

It smelled rotten all of the sudden, like the apples on all the trees around here had gone bad. But it wasn’t a tree. It was the people. Well, excluding Pinkie’s family.

How dare they show up here.

Would Pinkie want Sunset and Twilight to fight? Would she want Rarity to shut down her boutique and quit showing up at school for weeks on end? Would she want Fluttershy to cry in class all the time? Would she want Applejack to be on antidepressants?

Would she want me thinking this?

I began walking to the coffin, slowly, to not alert everyone else. My boots muffled the crunch of snow as I walked, though I still had to suppress small sobs as I continued to cry while keeping on a grin. I walked into a spiderweb, and felt it land on my face. I didn’t care.

What’s the point of thinking ‘Would she…’ anyway? Would she come back to life and kill us all? Probably not. She’s dead, she can’t do anything. Pinkie’s gone. She can’t do anything.

My fingers brushed up on her cheek. Cold, cold, cold.

I let out a particularly loud sob now, grin gone, but who cares? I was disgusted with myself, because I let this happen. I could almost see her seethe, whispering, “You’re too mean. Where’s your smile? Fuck you anyways.”

A doll shouldn’t be cold unless it hasn’t been used for a while now. She was a doll. Pinkie Pie had been flawless, Pinkie Pie had made us happy, Pinkie Pie had led us when we cried.

This wasn’t Pinkie Pie. I killed Pinkie by letting Twilight mess up.

“You were a doll, you were flawless.”

I whispered the words before I felt something tap me on the shoulder.

“Rainbow Dash, she has to be buried.”

I continued to stroke her cheek. The voice spoke again.

“T-This isn’t right, please stop.”

Who cares about what’s right and wrong when your whole world has been wronged.

“Stop.”

No.

“Dash, stop now.”

No way.

“Please, Rainbow-”

No!

I whirled around and popped whoever was standing behind me right in the jaw. I felt my fist connect with their skin and they stumbled back and fell into a patch of snow. Crunch. I was left to fall to my knees and cry as I realized who it was.

I had just punched Fluttershy.

She stood bent over with a hand on the place I’d hit her, a look of pure shock stuck on her face as Sunset began to shout something inaudible. She was always picking an opportunity to yell these days, but all I could hear by now was ringing. Ring, ring.

Pinkie’s phone never answered.

I then heard for a moment.

“Well, Twilight, if you hadn’t killed her then Dash wouldn’t have done it!”

I hated the word ‘would’. It’s so fake. I would’ve done it no matter how she died. Even if she didn’t die, I still would’ve done something. I would’ve.

I glanced up at the rumbling black clouds, watching blue spikes flash across them. Peeking back, I saw Maud and the rest of them just watching us like deer caught in a headlight. Trying to stop my crying for a second, I listened in to the rest of my friends again to see just why they were so scared.

“Can’t we just mourn her, ya’ll? This is ridiculous to do here!”

“I have to say I agree with Applejack on this one, we need to show some respect!”

“Rarity, shut up! You know as well as I do that Twilight’s responsible for all this!”

“I’m sorry, Sunset. So, so, sorry...”

“Sorry’s not going to bring her back, Twilight!”

My ears were beginning to hurt as that awful stench of death began to fill me again. A tingling sensation up my arms followed it, and I wanted to scream as I stood up from the ground. They caused me pain by now. But Fluttershy spoke for me.

“I just can’t wait for love to destroy us.”

She spoke with a stern, steady voice. No one but me heard her. Standing up beside me, we both shared a look. I tasted bile in my mouth when I saw how disappointed she was in us. It was like staring Pinkie in the eyes when she broke up a fight. Disappointment.

Fluttershy’s eyes then darted at Pinkie one last time before she ran off to her car, wiping tears away with one hand while the other was clenched in a fist.

I looked back at us. Big Mac was doing the deed, the coffin already in the hole he’d dug beside it. It dropped in. Sunset slapped Twilight mid argument. Rarity stood crying to the side while Applejack broke up the fight and shared that disappointed look.

A few days later Fluttershy moved to the city across from ours.

I wanted to drink bleach.

I hated the beach. I despised its sand, the roar of the waves crashing onto it, seagulls screeching while I walked past them, that lingering salt taste- it all sucked. I used to love this place.

Pinkie loved it too.

I felt the tears coming back up.

But I didn’t let them out.

I kept on walking, step after step. My therapist told me to stop doing this- it’s not healthy. Everything reminds me of her. The pale sunbeams peeking through the fluffy white clouds, leaving scattered patches of sunlight on my path. She’d have loved that, probably jumping into them or something.

I should leave, shouldn’t I? I know I keep on thinking bad things. This really isn’t right, it’s been a few months now.

Yet I kept on walking. I guess it was just to remember. The sand found its way into my shoes. It grated against my feet and made it even more uncomfortable to move. The sun also blinded me from my right, forcing one of my hands to shield my face.

I eventually let my hand fall down, deciding to squint instead. It was too exhausting to leave it up there. Eventually it slipped into my sweater. I remembered something my therapist asked: Why? Why did I miss her? Why did the beach remind me of her?

Stupid beach, reminding me of Pinkie.

It reminded me of her because she’d blind me with her happiness and laughter. Yeah, pretty stupid and cliche. Something I’d never tell anyone, even Mrs. Brookes-my therapist-because it was too… personal, I guess. She was too happy at times.

I’d be crying over something stupid and she’d be smiling at me like the big doofus she was. She’d tell me that I was being stupid and it’d be easier to be happy than all dumpy. Then I’d become a doofus with her and we’d be doofuses together, being all stupid and happy. Playing pranks, going to the beach-

I stopped, slipping my sneaker on with a small pop. Wow, I didn’t even remember emptying my shoes.

 A low-pitched rumble resonated through the silence and I smelled a fresh wave of salt. I tasted it, too. Blegh. Seawater collapsed onto the shore and darted up the sand, some of it even nipping the edges of my feet before pulling back out. High tide was coming.

Why did I have to think of her?

Let it go.

It’s ice cold. I shivered.

A little voice in my head kept telling me that. Every time I thought of her giggly voice, the smell of lilac and cotton candy in her hair, the look of her kooky and brightly-colored clothes, the feel of her soft, pink hand in mine—

No, stop remembering.

Or keep on remembering?

Remember what the people said.

“Rainbow Dash, it’s been a while now. Almost a year. You’re acting like it was a few weeks ago… yeah, I’m sounding like a real bitch, aren’t I? But we’ve all moved on, not to say we’ve forgotten her! We’re remembering her, and we’ve already mourned her. So, maybe it’s time you moved on with us? Kinda forget those great times with her, but keep it in mind? I don’t know how it works, but I did it and so can you! You’ve been mourning her for an awful long time now.”

I forget who had said that. Twilight trying to make herself look good after she was accused of being responsible for Pinkie’s… Or maybe Applejack after seeing me burst into tears in the middle of stupid geometry. Thanks for pushing me, Ms. Cheerilee! Or Rarity… but she wouldn’t have said the forbidden ‘b’ word. Fluttershy’s kinda strayed off like me. New town, new life. Move to a place so far away…

 Sunset’s always tense and angry when we try to talk to her.

Or was it me to myself?

I don’t know.

I wasn’t listening at all.

I was sitting down in the sand, and my hands were clenched by my sides. I smelled salt, and too much of it. I was breathing too fast. My chest was vibrating with my heart beat. But no matter how hard I tried, my hands only grew stiffer.

Crying.

Who was it coming from? Not me this time.

My eyes were closed. Tight. It hurt. I slowly opened them, adjusting to the beaming light as sand squeezed in between my fingers, glancing forward.

“Twilight?”

She didn’t hear me.

Why was she here?

To remember Pinkie too, no matter how unhealthy it is? She’s smarter than that.

My hands were too tightly locked to move towards her. Her hair was done up in a ponytail, and she wore a teal sweater with skinny jeans. She usually didn’t wear that kind of stuff, just plain t-shirts and sweatpants. And as a breeze blew through, I could even smell… perfume?

What’s going on?

She was walking. To what? The ocean? Why was she walking towards the water—

I stood up.

“Oh come on Twilight!”

Despite the rushing water, I raced towards her through the slippery sand and crunching shells. Her face had a look. It was that look Fluttershy wore at the funeral, one Pinkie would wear. It was the disapproving look…

Did she disapprove of herself?

She took another step forward. I ran three steps forward.

“Pinkie, I’m sorry. So, so sorry. Forgive me?”

“Twilight, you blithering idiot!”

Hopefully fancy vocabulary would penetrate her thick egghead skull.

Before she could fall into the sea and do whatever dark stuff to herself, I grabbed her shoulder and dug my nails into her clothes, yanking her back. A strong smell of flowers quite literally smacked me in the face as Twilight stumbled back into me, pushing us both down into the sand. I didn’t scream while Twilight cried out like an injured animal. She grunted and rolled away, and I sat up rubbing my forehead. It still hurt.

“Geeze Twi, lay off the ice cream! Ow!”

“R-Rainbow Dash?” she said, her voice sounding cracked. She turned towards me. “I-I…”

A wave nearly crashed onto us, and I grabbed her hand as mist sprayed into my eyes.

“C’mon, this isn’t the best place to talk.”

She stood up beside me, all jittery, and we both scanned the area for somewhere to sit down. I spotted a bench by the dunes, and we both hiked up to it. Sitting her down, we both stared out at the ocean.

The sun was beginning to set, a trail of yellow lining up in front of it across the water. A dark pink followed by purple and eventually navy blue surrounded the edges, sparkling as flashes of white danced across the whole spectrum. I still smelled salt, mixed with flowers.

“Twilight, why the perfume?”

Never thought I’d ask that in my life.

She was quick to answer.

“Thought I might as well smell pretty before I die.”

A hand darted to her mouth and her pupils widened.

I had a flashback to Rarity and the fire, and my hand smacked hers away. I looked her in the eyes, her face saying it all: why?

“We’re not going to have a sobfest here full of ‘it’s okay’, ‘it’s not your fault’, and ‘sorry Pinkie’. Talk to me like an adult, not a kid crying about a toy they broke.”

Remember what everyone said. I have to be harsh to get her to let go too… right?

Her bottom lip quivered, and a hint of anger flashed across her face. I realized I’d said something fucked up.

“How could you say something like that? I just tried to kill myself! Not to mention I’m to blame for Pinkie’s death! What have you been through these past few months!?”

I could see the instant regret on her face.

I remembered why I hadn’t talked to her for so long.

“Oh,I’m sorry, are we all here to compare who has it worse? Oh yay, Pinkie’s dead, let’s have a pissing contest for who’s the saddest!”

She shut her mouth and looked away.

Tense silence.

We were both sorry.

“...Sorry, Dash.”

I sighed.

“Okay, and killing yourself is pretty serious. So yeah, I’m sorry too.”

We sat there in silence, until the shrill screech of a seagull interrupted it a brief second. I saw her stuff her hands into her sweater’s pockets, and scoot away from me to the other side. Death really does suck even when you’re not dead, doesn’t it?

“Wanna talk, or do I have to stop you from doing something stupid tomorrow, too?” I prodded at her.

She didn’t even bother glancing at me. “Well, do you ever wake up in the morning and look straight in the mirror?”

I cocked an eyebrow. She’s quick to get to the point. I still nodded.

“Well, I look in the mirror every day, Rainbow Dash. And I hate what I see. Do you ever do that? Because, that’s what it’s like to me now.”

She stared at me with glossy eyes before shutting her eyelids and looking away. She fumbled with her hands inside her sweater, taking them out to pull her hood over her head. I wanted to say something, but no words formed in my head besides “wow”. And apparently she had more to say, in that cracking voice she’d had for months now whenever I’d overheard her.

“Can’t you all just hate me?”

Twilight’s voice was brittle.

“I know Sunset already does, b-but… I’m awful, okay? I killed her. For some dumb science experiment. Those weeks I spent in a detention center will never make up for it either. J-Just make it go away… hate me so I can hate myself and get this over with.”

She began to cry again.

I’d never seen Twilight as someone to crack under pressure like this. She always stood so tall, especially during those rough times like with The Dazzlings. She led us. And even though Sunset took command there for a while, Twilight was always a step above us. Smart, understanding, ambitious- she was a perfect leader. Sunset had those traits too, but more anger than Twilight.

She continued to cry in silence.

I guess I’d never really understood how us being friends with her contributed to that, and how taking that friendship away could have... undermined her.

God, where’s laughter when I need it?

As the sky began to fade to black as night creeped upon us, I could feel the temperature drop. My breath soon turned to fog whenever I breathed. I needed to hurry this up.

“Twilight, it’s… sorta your fault. I’ll be blunt here. You’re smarter than that; you know driving when you’ve barely practiced and don’t even have a permit is extremely dangerous, and you put Pinkie’s life on the line too. But, no one ever expected that crazy dude to just fly into you guys and cause the whole accident.”

I think I understand what Brookes meant now.

“Yet you’ve… we’ve gotta let go of her. We can’t spend our whole lives feeling bad for her. We can remember her, and walk through the beach here with memories of her, but to feel sad about them isn’t going to do squat to bring her back. We just have to smile and move on.”

I took in a deep breath. Might as well be direct with it.

“So, uh, wanna come home with me tonight and watch a movie or something to start on it?”

My teeth chattered as another gust of wind smacked me in the face. Stupid wind. I miss the annoying sun now. My eyes darted back towards and I could see her scrunch up her face before sighing.

“Rainbow Dash… wow. Y-Yeah, I guess so. Let’s try to be, er, normal?”

I smiled for the first time in a while.

“Yeah. I-I… I miss her.”

I couldn’t say much more than that.

“Wow, Twilight, I miss her.”

But when I looked up she was smiling.

“C’mon Dash. Let’s just go before we get all sad again.”

“O-Okay?”

“Okay.”

Before I knew it, we both burst out into fits of awkward giggling, and her hand slipped out in between us. I grinned, slipping mine into hers. She winced a little at the sudden touch, and I raised both our hands in the air.

“Hey, you know what?” I said, hand still in the air. “It’s nice talking to you, Twilight.”

She looked at me before smiling.

“Same, Dash.”

I felt myself begin to shiver as a particularly strong gust of wind hit us. I pulled my hand from hers.

“It’s too cold for you… us here, Twilight. C’mon, let’s go. Pinkie wouldn’t want us to be cold, would she?”