The Adventures of a Space Pirate

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 554

One space pirate, one Ted, one computer slave, and two Equestrian princesses. What could go wrong?

Why has no one ever tried capturing two unknown mythological creatures with untold powers of destruction? Most likely because that is a stupid idea and you should feel bad.

If you still aren't convinced that you'll die a horrible death if you try, here is the story of a space pirate who was probably almost as stupid as you. Unfortunately, unlike you, he didn't have any smart people like me to counteract all the stupid in the air.

So seriously, leave Celestia and Luna alone.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-19 23:26:00 UTC

ARRGH! MUTINY!

"The year was 1362 and trouble was afoot," the robotic voice of a quantum mainframe spoke.

        But the captain wasn't having any of that. "Arrgh! But it be the year 5076!" An unimpressed beep answered the accusation.

        "Sir, why are you talking in olde pirate?" A lowly spacecraft navigator questioned.

        "Arrgh, I be a pirate! But we have no time! Ye heard the robot, there be trouble afoot!" The navigator – that shall be dubbed ted henceforth – rolled his vibrant blue eyes.

        Suddenly, the aforementioned computer spoke up, "Although I cannot feel emotions, I must request that you do not address me as 'robot'. It is derived from the world 'slave', for which I am not."

        "Arrgh! Ye be but a mere prisoner of war condemned to a life of servitude! Now what be happening?!"

        "It appears that the captives have escaped. They are armed with sharp pointy sticks and very dangerous." The computer paused as it ran calculations. "They will arrive here in one second." As if on cue, the strangely out of place wooden doors leading to the hull burst open in a shower of sparks. Dust shrouded the intruders blocking them from view.

        But as the dust settled, two silhouettes could be seen, both alicorns, standing defiantly.

        The captain stumbled back is if struck and snarled menacingly towards the intruders. "Arrgh! It be a mutiny! Man the cannons!"

        "But sir, we don't have any cannons!" Ted shouted through the confusion.

        "Arrgh! Pull out the laser guns then! Incestia and Lunatic will be destroyed!"

        "You have already lost this battle!" Incestia began, "Give up now and we shall spare your life."

        After a bit of sputtering, the captain gathered his thoughts, "Arrgh! Never! I will go down with my vessel! I have never left her!"

        "That logic is inherently incorrect as you acquired this ship one year ago, exactly," the mainframe interjected.

        "Arrgh! Shut your blowhole!"

        "That logic is in-" That was as far as the computer got before a steel hook was buried deep into its screen.

        The now hookless pirate whipped around towards the ponies angrily. "Arrgh! I will go down with my vessel!"

        "Sir, you already said that," Ted reminded him.

        "Arrgh! I be checking my comebacks!" A ruffle of papers followed his statement. "...going down with my vessel...blowhole...man the cannons... Arrgh! Ye be outgunned and outnumbered!"

        Lunatic looked around suspiciously, "There are only two of thee."

        "Arrgh!"

        She continued unabated, "And we believe that thou art outgunned, for we have... this!" Lunatic brandished a dangerous piece of weaponry with devastating power. The technology for it was used many millennia in the past, but had the destructive forces to decimate worlds. Who knew what evil deeds could be done with such a weapon?

        As the captain began to sweat and his eyes became pinpricks, Ted decided to step up and take down the vile creatures. "Pfft! A pencil! Hahahahahahahah!"

        "Arrgh! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

        "But sir, we're in space! We ca-"

        "Arrgh! We be too late! Curse you Incestia and Lunatic!" The doomed leader shouted as he smashed a red button labeled, 'Air Lock'.

        Immune to the pull of a vacuum, the two equestrian princesses sat motionless, staring at the spots the humans were in before. Eventually, Incestia spoke up, "My name is Celestia, dumbfuck."