My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

by Jar of Dirt

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy
Length: 20206

"So ladies," Twilight Sparkle asked the others. "What do you know about cocaine?&quot

A brain-melting, cancer-inducing, AIDS-promoting parody of the pilot episode of MLP: FiM. I have no idea how or why I wrote this.

Contains unhealthy amounts of sex, drugs, racial jokes, Old English, general retardedness and Tellytubbies. You can't say I didn't warn you.

Published 2012-06-02 23:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-15 18:01:55 UTC

Don't read this. No seriously, don't.

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

by

I have a jar of dirt

Now, let us assume that you actually found this story. Let us assume that you, the reader, blatantly ignored the chapter warning: you know, the one that says "Don't read this. No seriously, don't." Let us assume that you actually busted through this part and scoffed, and then proceeded to actually read the fic in its entirety. By now, you would be prompted to ask yourself "what kind of retarededly demented turgid piece of decrepit ass shit is this?" or even "what kind of person writes this disgusting slough of cystic anal acid?"

Well here's your answer.

"Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions."-The Bible, Ezekiel 23:19 through 23:20

So you see, God was my inspiration.

Our setting for this shitstorm begins in the royal capital of Equestria, Canterlot. I will now leave over the narrative to our dear guest David Attenborough.

The sun rises over the grand city of Canterlot, as the native inhabitants of equellus caballus, more coloquially know as ponies, leave their homes. The workers are always under close scrutiny by their princess and her loyal guard, so the ponies must work quickly to gain her favors, lest they are deported to the princess' chambers and become her sex slaves for the rest of their lives.

Viewed from above, the ponies show some resemblance to an ant hive, with the drones as the regular ponies, the soldiers as guards, and of course, the princess as their queen, even with her slightly misguiding name. We can observe the crowds of equines moving in a similar fashion to their insect counterparts too, scuttling around the ground in search of gifts to improve the lair (in this case, Canterlot) and make the princess content.

One of the workers seem to diverge from the crowd, emerging into a full gallop and screaming over the top of his lungs something incoherent about democracy. This is typical behavior of the most weak willed individuals of the pony society, who finally crack under the pressure of living under their tyrant's shadow. The guards are quick to pursue the interloper. A short chase begins, finally ending when the guards manage to tackle the insane pony to the ground and drag him off to the royal castle, where the princess will severly punish him for his actions.

Let us now shift our perspective to the royal bedroom. The unfortunate criminal is pushed inside a rather spacious room painted in pink while the door is firmly locked behind him, preventing any further escape from his plight. The princess approaches the terrified victim, clad in leather and with a whip in her mouth, while her prey desperately bangs at the walls adorned with phallic symbols-

Thank you Mr Attenborough, but we shall move on now.

While the benevolent princess Molestia violently raped the poor soul in her bedroom, Twilight Sparke, whose name implies a disturbing similarity to the only vocabulary present among most pre-teen females nowadays, was desperately plowing (lol) through the royal library alongside her assistant (slave) baby dragon, Spike. The latter was clad in a very elegant three-piece suit, completed with a red bowtie, a monocle and a most exquisite MOOSHTASH.

"Twilight darling," the dragon twirled his moostash. "You really shouln't occupy yourself with such trivilalities. The Summer Sun celebration is just around the corner; you wouldn't dream of disappointing your beloved mentor and benevolent tyrant wench, would you?"

"Just because the rest of the populace doesn't know what's going to happen doesn't mean I should take a rest," the unicorn answered back. "Don't you understand, you untermenschen? The other ponies are too occupied kissing Molestia's ass to understand that Mooning Nightmare is returning! And the only way of stopping her is to use the Elements of Harmony, but I have no clue where to find them!"

"Surely you jest miss Sparkle," Spike scoffed while lighting a cigar. "The Elements are a myth, just like Mooning herself. If you feel such concern on the matter, how about a nice chat with the princess over a cup of tea?"

Twilight laughed like an asshole. "Of course you retarded plebian! Maybe I should just as well ask her if she could shove her futa penis up my ass!" She leaned in closer to Spike's face, who blowed smoke in her face. Twilight coughed and smacked the cigar away with her hoof. "No one interrupts Molestia during punishment. Can't you hear it?"

They listened carefully through the library door. The sounds of aroused moaning, desperate wailing and whipping echoed across the palace.

"How about a letter then?" Suggested Spike. "It doesn't technically count as barging into her chambers."

"That semi-brilliant, Spike! I don't get scarred for life seeing Molestia at work, we get the message through, and it gives me a reason to shove something down your throat even though I don't have a dick!"

"How marvelous," the dragon simply said.

"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" His mistress bellowed. At this point, Twilight's alzheimer's kicked in, sending her falling down on the floor, uncontrollable spasms rocking her body.

"Twilight dear, How many times did I tell you to take your pills? Obviously working for Molestia and building up secret feelings towards her while still fearing the day she will take you and force you into violent sexual activities has all but crippled your blood pressure."

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," she bellowed, repeatedly smacking her head against the floor until large blisters appeared on Twilight's face. Another fit struck her, sending her flying into the bookshelves with the force of a grenade and killing a leprechaun that had taken refuge in the wall behind. Twilight turned towards the dragon, her eyes filled with so much blood, rage and pus he would have been atomized on the spot if glares could kill. Her tongue was sticking out of her mouth, rolling around in a similar fashion to what lesbians do to sexually arouse each other, a bit of spit and foam escaping her mouth while her nose dripped with snot. She had another fit.

"WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUU!!!"

"My name is Spike," her assistant calmly answered, "and your pain is my pleasure, you filthy mongrel. Now please calm down before you bite your tongue off."

The unicorn exhaled profoundly. Several terrified Chaos deamons fled her mouth and teleported ack into the Warp, preferring their unholy plane of exisitence over the mad purple creature that walked the normal realm. Twilight Sparkle brought up a quill and parchment and shoved them into Spike's hands.

"Write, peasant." She cleared her throat. "Dear princess Molestia, I have come to the conclusion that in the near future, Mooning Nightmare will escape her prison and rape Equestria in the ass. The only way to stop her is to use the Elements of Harmony, which means that I require your permission to go and look for them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

With the letter finished, Twilight took it and forced it down Spike's throat, who quickly swallowed it.

After a short while, Spike vomited on Twilight, the foul, greenish substance covering half her body and making small disgusting bits stick themselves to her mane, which prompted the unicorn to vomit herself, making the nauseating pile on the floor grow and spread all over the room. Molestia's scroll rolled off in the corner, covered in vomit, semen and a little blood.

Spike muttered a quick "I say" before picking up the scroll and reading. "My faithful cow whore milk slut twat, the amount of fucks I don't give is immeasurable. How about you get your fat pimply ass to Ponyville for some friendship lessons, you bitch tit udder licking skank. Now leave me the fuck alone while I fuck my willing and eligible stallion, or I will pump my cawk and spray your face with jizz. Love, (not) Molestia. There's a message at the bottom. It says HELP in blood."

Twilight exploded in anger again. "HUERERERKKRERKEU-"

And then Canterlot castle blew up.

A dragon with a monocle and moostash accompanied by a lavender unicorn in a straightjacket flew across the land aboard one of the royal carriages. It thundered across the sky, not stopping at any signs and almost killing a few other pegasi by ramming (lol) into them. Not surprising when the number plate stated "We brake for no one."

"How DARE she!" Twilight fumed. "How DARE she ignore the threat! Equestria is about to get cockslapped by the pony equivalent of Cthulhu and yet our dear queen bitch prefers to fornicate the living daylights out of all our colts! I'm the only one who sane! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHEUEUKLRKR-" Twilight gagged on the last part as Spike shoved a teat in her mouth, which the unicorn eagerly sucked (lol) and calmed down.

"Mmmm, strawberry..."

"My dear, please, think of your cholesterol levels. This constant state of unbridled rage cannot go on for much longer."

"But Spike you fucking moron, the country's in danger!"

"These are princess Molestia's orders my dear," Spike stated calmly while smoking a cigar. "As... Peculiar our leader's habits might be, remember she is very old and wise. She would not send us to Ponyville without a reason, hm?"

"Yes, because a ponified, female Peter North is obviously wise, right?" Twilight snarked. "She doesn't even use condoms, Spike! How the fuck isn't she pregnant twenty-four hours seven? Someone must have twisted the uterus into a balloon animal on that god damned cumdumpster whore."

Finally, after another hour of Twilight Sparkle's banter, the carriage descended towards Ponyville. It smashed into the side of a cripple's orphanage and splattered several foals, painting their guts on the wall nearby. A disembodied voice from the sky shouted "Monster Kill!" while Twilight and Spike exited the carriage, not giving a single fuck. The unicorn took out a scroll.

"Alright, so the Summer Sun Celebration is due soon and there are five different ponies leading the preparations." The orphanage burst into flames behind them. "First one on the list is called Pinkie Pie and is the main organizer for the decortions."

She set the scroll down. "Pinkie Pie? Seriously? That's the kind of name I'd expect to find in a children's cartoon."

Spike twirled his moostash again. "My word, Twilight Sparkle, you just made a meta reference!"

"Okay, so we find these idiots, check 'em off, and then we actually do what matters and try to stop Mooning Nightmare."

The duo walked off to the local bakery, which was comically formed like a gingerbread house. A pink (as in PIIIIIINK) pony approached Twilight Sparkle, jumping on her hind legs since she held several burning and screaming orphans.

"Let me guess," Twilight asked her. "Since you are pink and jumping around like an invalid child, you must be Pinkie Pie. Once again, logic wins the day."

The jumpy mare ignored the cries of foals and twisted her neck 180 degrees, a genuinely creepy grin stretching out to cover 75 percent of her face. "Sviđa mi se sjenica jebeni!"

Twilight chuckled nervously. "Okay... Well, I see you seem to have everything under control, then. I'll just be going over there were I will try to keep myself as far away from you as possible while you do... Whatever it is you do with these children."

The bubbly pink mare nodded vigorously, like Molestia pumps her cawk right now thinking of you. "Meine Hunde denke, mein Gewürz Farne sind Juden!" Then she proceeded to take all the foals with her, climbed up to her bedroom by levitating herself to the window and then locked it. Molestia's envoys fled the scene in panic.

Twilight and Spike arrived at the Sweet Apple Acres farm shortly after. The place was without a doubt filthy as all fuck. Manure was piled up everywhere in huge mountains to be used on the fields, with patches of feces littering every part of the farm. Literally nowhere was safe from the deluge of shit.

They approached the place with ill foreboding and heavy stomachs. The air was putrid and festering, like dozens of newborns dipped in blood, licking shit of each other while a pedophile jizzed all over them. Then the infants were thrown into furnaces and burned with ammonium as fuel while old crippled faggots vomited down the furnace chimney and sodomized each other.

A shot rang out and almost hit them, striking just a few feet before them.

"Shit! Sniper!" Twilight cried out as she and Spike dove for cover behind a cart. There was shit on it.

A little yellow filly with red mane and a bow in her hair emerged from the house, holding a smoking shotgun. "Get off our lawn, ya stinkin' fellers! Ain't no outsiders welcome here!"

The unicorn cleared her throat and peeked out from behind the cart. "H- Hello? What's your name?"

"Name's Applebloom, an' imma kick yo city ass outta our family's heritage, ya fag lover!"

"Listen -Applebloom, was it?-, my name's Twilight Sparkle we're just here to check out the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration! There's not need for anything rash!"

The little filly contemplated her words for a while before lowering the shotgun. "Awrigh't, but if ye prove to be Pinkie's frien' imma shoot ya on th' spot!" She then turned towards the house and bellowed with all the force her throat could muster. "BIG MAC! GET OFF YA SISTA'! WE GOT COMPANY!"

Spike started feeling a bit sick. "Dear Molestia, do all country ponies practice inbreeding?"

"Let's hope not. I don't want to witness that in my life."

An orange pony with a Stetson hat left the house after a short while, looking mildly exhausted. Her flank was adorned by three apples as a cutie mark. Also, there was a thin line of white liquid dripping from her behind.

"Phooey!" The mare sighed. "Excuse me fer th' hospitality, but that darn colt jes' keeps on goin' all day long."

"I'm sure that is correct," Twilight say. "After all, this place is like every damn southern redneck stereotype assembled into one single entity."

"What diddya say?"

"I was complimenting your... Southern charm."

"Oh, OK."

The cowpony led the unicorn and dragon to their barn. Twilight was pleasantly surprised: the food looked pretty much untouched by the filth that contaminated the rest of the farm; in fact, it looked pretty damn delicious.

"Not bad," she said. "I can check that from the list then. The dinner seems perfect."

"Yep, got th' whole setup ready fer t'night!" Applejack proclaimed proudly. "Now if ye excuse meh, I gotta brother t' please. Th' whole Apple family is headin' over fer sum fun an' I gotta make sure Big Mac finishes up in time b'fore eh get's too tired fer th' reunion. Gonna be a proper cowmare show!"

It took Twilight two seconds to realise what Applejack had implied. Her brain 404'd.

"Ugh... I'm glad to stay away from that fuckfest. And I'm meaning it literally. Like saying the word cockpit and implying that other meaning."

The unicorn and dragon briskly trotted away from Sweet Apple Acres and made their way back to Ponyville. Both stopped for a short moment to pour some brain bleach through their ears before continuing along the path. Dark clouds were forming across the sky, darkening the entire town as they entered it. Spike reopened the scroll and read.

"The weather patrol is handled by a certain miss "Rainbow Dash," who should be around here somewhere."

"Well obviously the bitch ain't doing her job," Twiligt muttered and pointed a hoof to the grey skies. "Look at this shit! The weather is supposed to be clear and all I'm seeing is Karl Marx's beard covering the sun! Where art this Rainbow Dash thou speaketh of?"

"I'm right here, sweetie."

They both turned around. A cyan pegasus with rainbow-colored mane was lying on a cloud a few feet above them, winking at Twilight and licking her lips while wiggling her hips in a seductive manner.

"You called me?" She asked in a sultry voice.

"Why yes you obvious lesbian," Twilight groaned. "You said you would have the sky completely free of clouds for the celebration, but all I'm seeing up there is the kind of shit I find under my bed when I don't clean it for weeks."

Rainbow Dash descended form her cloud and got so close to the unicorn's face they could practically touch. The pegasus brought a hoof up and caressed the other mare's mane while eliciting a soft moan. "All your talk of beds and dirty things interests me..." she said slowly before smirking. "I like that."

Twilight grew increasingly nervous. For the mighty Fuck's sake, she's too close for comfort... With her face smelling of daisies and wonderfully... Proportioned... Nostrils! She composed herself and batted Rainbow's hoof away.

"Listen you walking gay pride poster," the unicorn growled. "You can make your not at all welcome advances on me later, but right now I want these clouds gone before the Princess comes, or she'll... Uh, uh... FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A STALLION INSTEAD!!!"

Rainbow gasped in horror and fell onto her knees.

"No, please! Anything but that! In my entire life have I been feeding on female cum juices, gaining my sweet prize by seducing and fucking every mare I could come across! It is my life force, the water that fills my Holy Grail, my ambrosium, my nectar from the Gods of sexuality! It is my curse and my divine gift, that can only be tainted by the most vile of substances; semen, the only concotion known to ponykind that can kill me! Please do not impose this cruelty upon me; I'll do anything! I will be your slave, serving your every bidding and even taking flaccid dildos up the ass while I'm bound in leather to a chair made of labial lips!" The pegasus paused briefly in her rant. "Actually, that would be pretty hot. But still! Please do not punish me so unescessarily! Anything but such impunity!"

Twilight Sparkle cackled like a maniac towards the unfortunate mare lying in front of her and raised her hooves while lightning descended from the heavens, crackling loudly across the sky. She leaned in closely.

"Anything, you say?"

"Yes! Anything!"

"Alright then. Clear out those clouds, and then I have something in store for you, something that I think you'll like..."

The terrified pegasus nodded vigorously. "Y- yes, mistress..."

Rainbow Dash tried to wiggle herself free from the sofa in vain; the cords and the metal cage holding her eyes open were simply too strong. The television in front of her sprung to life, the harsh illumination in complete opposition to darkness of the room she was trapped in. She widened her eyes in shock at the screen.

That's professor Snape. Is he... Oh god, his penis looks so much like roquefort... Wha- Oh god no, that's Tinky Winky! No, no, nononono... OH SWEET MOLESTIA THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE!!! LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT-

A madly grinning Twilight Sparkle walked down the street towards the Carousel boutique, a disgruntled Spike in tow.

"My dear, there is a fine line between kinky punishment and barbarism," Spike stated. "Letting that mare watch a cartoon specifically designed by the Chinese to traumatize and brainwash our youth is one matter, but forcing others to watch Rule 34 of it is without a doubt an act so terrible it makes Caligula look like a charitable and jolly pleasant fellow. You could be sent to the Hague tribunal for crimes against Lif itself, you know."

"Nah, I would probably be shot on sight and then let crows feast on my insides while a legless black man played the tuba," his slave driver answered matter-of-factly. "But enough of that. We only have to inspect the clothing and the music, and then we can stop Mooning Nightmare."

They entered the boutique. Contrary to the farm, this place was immaculately clean, with several magnificent well-designed dresses sparkling with gems hanging neatly in displays. The indigo walls were adorned with beautiful decorations in various pleasant colors.

"Finally someone who hopefully has some class in this incestual town," Twilight said and smiled in appreciation.

The supposed owner of the shop descended down the stairs. Spike gasped in awe. The unicorn in question was a beautiful mare, with a bright white coat and a perfectly combed, twirly purple mane. Ocean blue eyes stared into the dragon's soul and melted his heart, making him fill up with all sorts of conflicting feelings.

"'Sup, foo?"

Then he died.

The unicorn approached Twilight and high-hoofed her. The purple mare returned the gesture with some suspicion.

"Don't ya just stand there, gurl," the owner exclaimed in a very broad accent and patted her on the back. "My crib is yo crib! Welcome to Rarity's boutique, nigga! Where everythin' is chic, unique and magnifique an' all that shit!"

"Uh, yes, I can see that," Twilight chuckled nervously. Canterlot citizens usually looked down upon the whole nigger culture, and Molestia's student was no different. This creature didn't seem too invasive in her opinion though: maybe they weren't all that bad.

Rarity led them deeper into the shop. To Twilight's surprise, Tupac was sitting on a chair in the corner, reading through the latest edition of "Da Hoodz magazine." He bore a heavy gold chain with the words "Warrior" hanging from it over his sleeveless shirt and a cap.

"Tupac?" Twilight gasped. "But... You're dead!"

"Nuh uh brutha," the black ex-rapper shook his head. "The God almighty gave this nigga a second chance in spreadin' the luv here in Equestria, an' imma do my part in serving the Lord, see? Rarity here," he pointed towards the mare, who gave him a quick "yo" as a greeting, "she understands my philosophy, see? We gonna spread the word on the streets, and all the cats out there are gonna hear it."

"Amen brotha," the white unicorn stated before sharing a brofist-hoof with Tupac.

"S' right. Ain't no one."

There was a cry outside and a loud gunshot, followed by several shouts.

"Gimme ya money, bitch! Dontcha try anything stupid!" A painfully white voice was heard.

"Help! A wild wigger is robbing me!"

Tupac shot up from the sofa and adorned a pair of black sunglasses before turning towards the ponies in the room.

"The streets are cryin' for help against the crackheads, an' Tupac's gonna answer that cry!"

Then he pulled out two Glocks, jumped out of the window by smashing it and rode away on a bike towards the commotion. Rarity wiped away a tear.

"Go on an' make me proud brutha," she whispered. "Ain't no one."

It took Twilight a while to get her hands on the Necronomicon and revive Spike before they pressed on to the cottage outside of town. The dragon had desperately tried to get his hands on a Bible to "pray the black away" (that fucking closet Westboro baptist), but his search was fruitless.

As they arrived towards the secluded house on the hill, they marveled at how idyllic the place was. Little critters skipped around and chased each others playfully while birds chirped in the tree branches.

Several beautiful singing voices could be heard coming from a field nearby. The duo emerged into it and saw a canary-yellow pegasus with a pink mane conducting several singing birds, all perfectly whistling a tune that echoed across the calm nature.

Almost all the birds. One of them kept screeching more than making any melodic sounds at all. The pegasus mare stopped them to correct the offending bird. That's when Twilight decided to approach her. The mare heard her approaching and turned to face Twilight, a smile gracing her features that could sooth Belzebub himself.

"Oh, hello," the pegasus said. Her voice was very gentle.

"Sorry to disturb you now, but I couldn't simply interrupt the music. That was wonderful!"

The mare's smile grew a bit wider. "Oh, well thank you. We've been practicing hard for the celebration, and everyone is trying their hardest for the performance." She extended her hoof. "I'm Fluttershy." The unicorn shook it.

"Twilight Sparkle, pleasure to meet you. I was sent here to oversee the preparations, but everything seems to be in order here."

"Well, thank you."

Spike brought up the scroll and checked her off while Twilight yawned and streched herself. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll head back to town. It's been a busy day."

"But of course," Fluttershy nodded in understanding. "See you at the celebration then."

What a pleasant filly, Twilight mused as she and Spike walked back to Ponyville. At least someone's sane in this town.

Fluttershy watched Molestia's envoys disappear behind the trees and turned towards the bird that had sung out of tune. It shrunk back in fear.

"Now now little birdy," the pegasus grinned wickedly. "You've been a bad wittle cwitter and deserve to be punished..."

She took out a long, sharp knife and sliced the bird in two parts vertically, spilling blood and intestines all over the field. Fluttershy proceeded to yank out the eyeballs with her weapon and shove them into each lung by puncturing them, spraying even more gore across the grass in a small fountain of red. Then she ripped out the guts, hacked them up and forced the remains down the other mortified birds' throats as capital punishment. Fluttershy moaned in excitement as she inserted the two corpse halves into her vag and pumped, spraying female orgasm juices all over it after several minutes of self-pleasuring.

And I did not just make a retarded necrophiliac parody of Cupcakes. Nuh uh.

Twilight and Spike entered the library (which was in a tree, by the way, as you might not have known, 'cause that's how things are done in Ponyville), which had been set up as her base of operations in the town by royal decree.

"Finally home," she sighed. "I've spent all day running around and dealing with a pedo creature born from the bowels of 4chan, an incestual redneck family, a lesbian slut and a negro unicorn that is housing the still living Tupac. I'm getting too old for this shit."

"Twilight dear, you are barely of legal age, not implying it pornographically," Spike stated.

"Shut the fuck up gentleasshole," the unicorn growled. "I've always wanted to say that, and I'm damn well gonna say it. Now let's do what's actually important and find the Elements to stop Mooning Nightmare."

She pushed the door open.

"SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA!"

Twilight was pushed back by the force of the shouting. When she got back on her feet, her eyes widened and she dropped her jaw at the sight. The library was filled with ponies partying their flanks off, with the usual festivity clichés going on like unsober ponies lying on the floor, couples fucking in the bathroom, loud obnoxious music and even a drunken fight or two. A large banner hang from the ceiling, with the words "Welcome to Ponyville" stenciled upon it. Also, someone had used a red marker to draw a squirting penis on the banner with the words "twolgt spakl suks dic" written under.

The pink tornado of destruction that was called Pinkie Pie twirled across the room and stopped a few inches in front of Twilight's face, who was unnervingly reminded of Rainbow Dash's little teasing.

Those... Damn... Nostrils!

Pinkie took a deep breath before verbally assaulting Twilight. "Nuclearweaponsdeliverythetechnologyandsystemsusedtobringanuclearweapontoitstargetisanimportantaspectofnuclearweaponsrelatingbothtonuclearweapondesignandnuclearstrategyadditionallydevelopmentandmaintenanceofdeliveryoptionsisamongthemostresourceintensiveaspectsofanuclearweaponsprogramaccordingtooneestimatedeploymentcostsaccountedfor57%ofthetotalfinancialresourcesspentbytheunitedstatesinrelationtonuclearweaponssince1940-"

Applejack shoved an apple into Pinkie's mouth to silence her. It tasted like raisins. "Pinkie, don't ya scare our guest off. Ah'm done with brother now, so you can have a go if ya want."

The pink pony gasped before flying to the toilets, loudly proclaiming "I am watching you pee!" and then fell up the stairs to the bedroom. The cowmare chuckled at her antics before pulling up Twilight, who was lying on the ground. The unicorn eyes were lazily spinning around.

"Error, Windows has encountered an error and must now delete System 32," she slurred. "Are you sure you want to proceed?" She returned back to normal and shook her head. "Holy Molestia of Nazareth, what the flying fuck just happened?"

"Eh, that's just Pinkie for ya," the orange pony answered her before smiling widely at her. "Well c'mon in! We've got drinks, LSD-"

"How'd it get burned?" A stallion at the far side of the room shouted. "How'd it get burned?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED??!!"

"-Yep, and sum' pleasant company. It's all gonna be dandy!"

Twilight seethed with barely contained irritation. "I don't have time for this shit!" She hissed through gritted teeth before rudely pushing Applejack out of the way. "I've got a world to save and you inbreds keep stalling me!"

Spike followed her into one of the unoccupied rooms of the library. She slammed the door shut.

"Gee, what's her problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, having witnessed the whole affair from afar.

"Dunno pardner, but she sure ain't friendly."

They stayed there in silence for a while. Suddenly, Rainbow smacked Applejack on the ass.

"OW! Ya rascal!"

"That's what you get for calling me a fag earlier today, bitch!"

"Imma mighty tired of ya ways, Rainbow! If I had mah shotgun, ya would be full of holes!"

"Oh yeah? Try me then! Try me-"

Then they made out.

"...Onee vialeth of witchs bloodeth, thou has onceth procured oneth peneth ofeth the elketh, grindeth it withethhth a pesteleth and mortareth. Andth thiseth howeth youeth maketh metheth."

Twilight threw away the book in frustration which promptly collided with Spike's head.

"Damn it! Not a single book references the location of the Elements of Harmony! This is hopeless!"

The dragon assistant as meanwhile muttering something under his breath and rubbing his head. "At least your aim isn't hopeless, darling."

She skimmed through the books again.

No... No... Nothing... No... AHA! I knew it!

Twilight pulled out a volume entitled "Where to find the Elements of Harmony" from the pile and read through it.

Maybe this book could give me a clue!

She opened up the first page.

"The Princess arrives!" A guard exclaimed from the main room. Twilight groaned in frustration and put the book back into the shelf, memorizing its location before trotting out to witness Molestia's arrival.

All of the ponies were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their beloved monarch. The mayor of Ponyville trotted up to the altar and cleared her throat before beggining her speech.

"Fillies and gentlecolts-"

"YEAH!!! YOU ROCK!!!"

"Why thank you," she smiled. "it is a great honor to-"

"I MEAN IT! YOU ROCK!"

"Yes, well, it is a great honor to-"

"GODDAMN, COUGAR! YOU'RE HOT!"

The mayor visibly blushed. "Eh, uh, well..."

"SHOW ME SOME ASS!!!"

The mayor was now hiding her burning cheeks from the crowd. A couple of guards escorted the disturbing colt out of the room, who continuedly kept screaming obscenities and praising the mayor's "dat ass." She regained her composture and cleared her throat again.

"As I said, it is a great honor-"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA!!!"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" The mayor bellowed and stormed down the stage. Too late she realized who stood on the balcony above her. When she noticed the shocked expressions of the other ponies, she turned around and gasped.

Towering above the crowd stood an alicorn black as night, with snake-like eyes gazing down deviously at the fearful ponies. She was adorned in silvery armor, covering her horn and chest, while her dark blue mane and tail waved in the air with stars sparkling in them.

Also she had a huge ass that could rival the mayor's.

In short, Mooning Nightmare had arrived.

She bellowed another stereotypical villain laugh. Lightning descended from the heavens and the souls of undead infants and german fatsos clad in bratwurst suits singing songs about rye bread screamed overhead, terrifying the ponies and forcing into cover.

"Whores and gentlepimps! I, Mooning Nightmare, haveth returned from mine banishment on the moon, and shalt overthrow the rule of thine tyrant Molestia! Under my rule, there shalt be nothing but eternal night, and mountains worth of anal rape! For I am... MOONING NIGHTMARE!!!"

She flashed her ass towards the crowd as more lightning cracked overhead. Rainbow Dash orgasmed.

"You won't get away with this, you toilet slut!" Twilight challenged. "Molestia will come and fuck you up the butthole like a french prostitute Mooning, remenber that!"

"And yet, I doth not see her in thine presence," the ruler of night and asses countered with a smirk.

There was a long silence weighting on the room: nobody dared to move. Mooning Nightmare laughed again and even more lightning fell down onto the ground. She looked up.

"Hey! I told you to tone down with the fucking lightning!" She turned back to the ponies below. "Well then, pray tell, where dost thou beloved monarch reside, hmm? Feh! Thine cowardly ruler has fled! And now I shall rule these lands as my own!"

She stopped in mid-stride and cursed. "Damn it! My obligatory anus sex toys! I forgot them! Oh well, this shall not take long." Then the dreaded mistress of the night and asses spread (lol) her wings and took off into the sky.

The crowd erupted into a panic.

"No! She's gonna buttrape us!"

"I don't wanna die!"

"My ears are pointy!"

Twilight disappeared into the commotion and made her way to the library again. Rainbow Dash noticed her and waved over her friends, who quickly followed the unicorn.

"Nononono... Ah! There it was!" She quickly skimmed through the pages of the book. "There! The Elements of Harmony can be found in the Old Royal Castle, situated in the Everfree forest!"

"What the fuck are the Hellements of Armory?"

"Gah!"

Twilight blinked at the sight of Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy standing over her.

"What are you doing here?!"

"That's not important!" Rainbow Dash spat. "You know how to stop her, right? Then say how!"

Twilight sighed in frustration. "The Elements are five old magical doohickeys; the Elements of Generosity, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter and Loyalty, that can combine like some sort of Gundam or shit and reveal the sixth element, which is Magic. Then it makes an orbital frienship cannon that blasts evil guys and restores peace and everyone is happy and sunshine and has teh friends." She groaned. "Wow, this must be how Peter Chimaera feels."

"So them thingys can stop Mooning?" Applejack asked.

"Yeah, only they happen to be in the fucking Everfree forest. And that sucks."

The mares contemplated the challenge in silence. Fluttershy interrupted them.

"Where's Molestia anyway?"

The slaughter house's walls were lined with burning upside down crosses, which all cast an eerie light on princess Molestia as she slowly leaned over the ninety year old jewish black Christian Eurasian white gay retarded cancer patient's face and spread her own very light ass-cheeks. Hitler and Stalin gasped in awe and ecstasy as they watched and sodomized each other. Molestia strained, perspiration breaking out across the massive swastika tattooed across her face. Snort cocaine off a priest's dick.

The six ponies stood at the very edge of the Everfree forest. Unearthly growls and terrifying shrieks coupled with Michael Jackson's giggling echoed across the treeline. The trees were actually not trees at all, but sinister, rusty contraptions sprouting out fleshy tendrils into the sky. Tortured souls were fused into said vegetation, crying out bone-chilling screams as their guts were forced out of their stomach and throat and their bloated, swollen bodies pulsated with pus-filled cancer tumors and bloody hooks impaling their bodies and dismembering them without actually killing the victims. Some of the branches were instead rotten gallows, where all kinds of skeletons dangled in the putrid air. A few of them were undead, forced to spend the rest of their lives in intense agony as all kinds of masochistic eldritch abominations took terrible pleasure in torturing them and themselves by reading the complete Twilight series... Forever.

"Meh, I've seen worse," Twilight Sparkle said and casually shrugged. When the others gave her questioning looks, she simply answered "Molestia's torture room." The others shivered.

The group entered the hellish place, which immediately tried to scare away the brave travellers. Harpies and butts with bat wings descended upon them, cawing and brandishing their claws in their faces. An infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters spawned from nowhere and began typing the complete works of Shakespeare. They even saw the shadow of Freddy Krueger stalking them, occasionally dragging the corpse of a victim and dumping it in front of the trembling mares before fleeing into the foilage (the bushes were burning, by the way).

A manticore sprung out in front of them, roaring and bareing its bloodied, jagged teeth. Its scorpion-like tail waved around menacingly in front of them as the manticore prepared to pounce on the defenceless ponies.

Fluttershy, however, simply smiled and pulled out a cherry-flavored lollipop before advancing towards the damned creature, ignoring the warnings of her friends.

"Flutters! Come back!"

"Yo dawg, dat's dangerous!"

Fluttershy was standing just a few inches in front of it now, smiling sweetly at the manticore and offering the treat, which it greedily took from her. The creature gave it a taste and barked, starting to suck (lol) on the wonderful sugary food the nice pegasus had offered it.

"See?" Fluttershy turned towards the others. "All you need to do sometimes is to show a little kindness."

Then she sliced the manticore's throat open with a surgical knife and tore out the larynx. The creature let out a strangled cry before the blood eventually filled its lungs and drowned it on dry land. Fluttershy grinned and wrapped herself in the slimy tube she had acquired.

"Look Rarity! I'm fashionable!"

"Not cool dawg. Not cool."

I never asked for this.

Author's notes: Surprise muthafuckas! You are about to read the second chapter of this politically incorrect, racist, sexist, jewish, faggot story! I bet you are all super excited for more of this cheap Encyclopedia Dramatica ripoff.

...

Not.

DISCLAIMER: Be fucking glad I don't own MLP, or the show would have less friendship and more unbirth. Just sayin'.

Deep in the bowels of the ancient Castle of the Royal Sisters situated in the hellish landscape that was the Everfree forest, an evil black Alicorn sat in front of her laptop and stared intensively at the screen, weaving together her next deliciously evil masterplan while leaning in closer to her work, her ass-brown stool with shitty lumbar support creaking loudly. Tissue paper was scattered across the room, along with several bottles of Lubriderm. The alicorn typed frantically, her nostrils breathing in the cocaine haze that hung heavily in the room.

Mary-Sue had an little Alicorn OC, its coat was as black as ebony...

Suddenly, she screamed in frustration at her work and flipped the table, sending her computer and several rolls of paper flying around.

"Damn it!" Mooning Nightmare bellowed and gave a nearby manticore a cardiac arrest. "Why can't I write well anymore? It's like my literary balls have dried up!" She growled in irritation. "How the hell am I supposed to finish my awesome flawless self-insert at this rate?"

An evil light grew in her eye. "Of course. A little story to clear my head. A little... Erotic story."

She put the table and laptop back in position using her magic and laid her front hooves on the keyboard, eager to write. Nothing happened. She groaned and stared at the screen in furor.

"Damn it," she growled, "I'm terrible at sex stuff!" She looked at the screen blankly. "Maybe if I close my eyes and let my hooves do the work... Yeah!" Grinning in satisfaction, Mooning Nightmare closed her eyes and soon felt her hooves move on their own accord.

"I must have some great subconsious erotica in the old noggin," she said to herself. After a while of typing she opened her eyes to see what she had written. When she saw, her eyes went wide as dinner plates and her jaw hung loose.

Twilight Sparkle's immaculate flanks glistened in the sunlight with the water from the sprinkler, her perfectly shaped plot bulging and straining to escape the tiny piece of sexy lingerie underwear she wore.

"Oh mistress Mooning," she moaned. "You are so incredibly attractive and so much more of a mare than Molestia and can do anything she can only better. I'll let you recharge my mana pool any day."

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Mooning Nightmare and quickly deleted the document. "Wow, um... I sure am glad no one was around to see that." She cleared her throat. "That Twilight bitch. Always foiling my plans and... Uh..."

Sighing, she streched her hooves. "Okay, time to try this again. I better censor myself- that was very disturbing."

It was a hot summer's night in Devil's Canyon New Mexico, the latest site of Miley Cyrus's triple abortion celebration. However, this is not a story of teen whore's demonic abortions, but rather one of a most particular pony, princess Molestia, and her disgusting whore of a girlfriend.

And this…is her story.

"Hi Molestia!" said Twilight Sparkle the COW WHORE BITCH.

"HI!" said Molestia.

And then she raped her.

Sadly her miniscule baby penis could barely penetrate Twilight's anus, and soon she became flaccid due to her own gayness and collapsed in a pile of her own urine and feces to cry like the PATHETIC WORM CHILD FILTH POT SHIT that she was.

"Wow," said Twilight the CUM BITCH as she pulled her torn panties back up. "Somehow that was almost disappointing."

"I am a worthless disgrace of a mare compared to my awesome enemy Mooning Nightmare, who will crush all life in this galaxy and lie with the holy virgin herself," said Molestia. "As I breathe, I inhale the breath of fetid death and exhale nothing but swamp gas, burning the eyes, the decaying filth of ages. Fallen am I from the necrotic underbelly of the worst ethnic ghetto, sprung from the dead bodies of vagrant crack whores and the dead eyes of murderers and rapists. I am nothing, I am less than filth. I am the fly that lands on the seed and blood soaked breast of headless Kali as she lies with a retarded nigger."

Then she killed herself.

"I am a toilet slut," said Twilight THAT FILTHY DISGUSTING WHORE.

"Ha ha!" Mooning Nightmare laughed. "Take that Molestia, and your incredibly ugly whore of a girlfriend too!" She took a look around the room.

Then she went on Facebook and looked up Twilight's spring break album.

I have a jar of dirt

presents

the continuation no one wanted but the author still wrote to flip the bird at everything innocent and holy

MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL

Chapter 2

...

Fukken dramatic.

"Twilight babe?"

"Hm?"

Rainbow Dash flew closer to the lavender mare as she and the others trotted through the Everfree forest and landed beside her, fully intent on seducing her even after the little Tellytubby incident (which Rainbow was willing to forgive; after all, she knew first hand what hormones did to total bookworm cuties like Twi).

"So," the cyan mare began, "I've been thinking lately..."

"Oh really?" Twilight said with a sarcasm-laden voice. "I thought it was beyond your mental capacity."

Rainbow ignored that comment and shuffled closer to the subject to her desires. "I was thinking, it must be awfully stressful, knowing that the fate of Equestria is in your hands..."

"Yes, I'm leading a bunch of mismatched rejects belonging to a bad comedy show or an italian political party through what looks like the nine layers of hell to stop a supervillain with an anal fetish, all in the name of a futa bitch with the power of moving a nuclear furnace across the sky on a daily basis. I don't know where my life got so fucked up along the way."

"After this whole ordeal is over, how about you and I... Get to know each other?" She leant in closer to Twilight's ear and whispered: "Working out some stress?"

The unicorn turned towards Rainbow. "You know, you could just ask me up front if I want to fuck you instead of being cliché-ass suggestive," she deadpanned.

The pegasus became hopeful. "So you'll accept?"

"No."

"Aw c'mon," the cyan mare licked her lips and wiggled herself even closer to Twilight. "What do you like to do?"

The unicorn sighed in frustration but quickly developed a devious smile. Perhaps by playing her cards right, she could avoid the lesbian mare for at least a while. "Alright, I'll play your little game. What do you want?"

Rainbow adopted a sultry tone of voice and ran a hoof across Twilight's face. "I was thinking about bringing you back home with me babe, have a nice make out session in the sofa, with a movie of your choice... You'd like a movie?"

"Yes," Twilight stated matter-of-factly, "I do enjoy watching male asian gay cock porn."

Rainbow shivered at the thought but carried on anyway. She's a mare on a mission, after all. "After that, we'd continue on into bed, where we'd consummate ourselves to our passions..."

"I like that imagery," Twilight continued unabated. "Kind of like I enjoy pornographic My Little Pony related fan art. Especially if it involves Braeburn and Soarin."

Rainbow became even more disturbed. "An- and we'd have some romantic music-"

"Indeed. Good for sucking stallion dick."

"Uh... And- and... Ah, fuck it," Rainbow fumed and flew towards the back of the group. "This isn't over, babe." Twilight merely chuckled in a very evil fashion.

A bit further back, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were briskly following the group, keeping their eyes peeled for any threats to spring out of the forest unexpectedly and drag them into the tree line to rape the shit out of them. A bit too concentrated, in fact: Pinkie Pie walked straight into Rarity's flank and bowled her over. The unicorn brushed some dirt off and gazed upon Pinkie sourly.

"Watch where you're walking nigga."

Pinkie perked up at the insult and turned around. "Hey, watchu say, nigga?"

Watch closely. You are about to experience a nigga moment. Whatever defines the nigga moment is sudden outburst of aggresive behavior towards another negro man, making them behave like an irrational, self-destructive individual. I.E., like a nigga.

The mares both pulled out Glocks and stared at each other with hate-filled eyes, aiming their guns onto each other's faces. Rarity squinted.

"What didja say, bitch nigga?"

"Ya squeeze it, nigga!"

Nigga moments are unpredictable, but they all end up bad. If they had a rating, nigga moments would be the third leading killers of black men behind pork chops and FEMA. That's a fact.

The mares continued insulting each other until the nigga moment hit the climax. The guns fired, spraying lead and death all over the area; trees shattered, unfortunate animals caught in the crossfire were turned to swiss cheese in seconds and debris was thrown around everywhere. Finally, the Glocks clicked empty.

"Hey wait man, wait!" Pinkie raised her smoking pistol in defeat. "This is stupid!"

"Yeah," Rarity lowered her gun. "Let's just walk away and go on with our business."

And so they did.

The group arrived at the banks of a rushing river. The waters were raging across the current, the thundering sound of waves crashing against each other drowning out the tortured screams of the nearby unfortunate souls. The river was made of blood by the way.

"What the fuck is this," Twilight grumbled. "There's no way we can cross this."

"Fluttershy and me could carry you over," Rainbow suggested. The lavender mare shook her head.

"No, the river is protected by a plot device. We can't fly over." She scratched her chin with a hoof. "We must obviously find and trigger the proper quicktime event to cross it."

The red river started to boil. The ponies gasped as a massive sea serpent (penis) suddenly shot out of the water: the creature (penis) was at least ten times their size, glistening purple scales rippling across his toned body. The serpent (penis) looked somewhat alike Freddie Mercury, except with blonde hair. His fingers were long and adorned with sharp claws, which he carefully retracted so as to not scratch his massively pulsating, erect cock he held in his hand. I mean seriously, it was huge. Snooki would have a hard time sucking it.

Considering all the wierd shit everypony had seen today, they simply shrugged off the fact that a sea serpent (penis) greeted them.

"Who are you?" The strangely submissive creature (penis) whimpered and cowered, cradling his cock closer to his body in a futile attempt to shield it. Because it was to big. "Go away! I already confessed I'm gay! I can't handle any more hate!"

"Whoa easy there sugarcube," Applejack comforted the wailing homosexual. "What happened?"

The serpent (penis) sighed. "Well here I was, chillaxing in the river, minding my own fucking business, when this alicorn bitch threatens to violate me in the anus if I didn't let her pass!" He straightened his hair. "Naturally my homosexual side took over and I told her that didn't sound too bad, so instead she told me that she would spread asinine lies about me having both cancer and AIDS to my past aquaintances!" As he narrated, he made dramatic gestures with his arms and body, his ginormous penis gyrating in tact with his storytelling. Big dick playa. Big dick baby.

"So I let her past," the sobbing serpent (pe- oh, you get the point) continued, "but the ungrateful slut merely laughed at me and called me such terrible things... She said I was the lovechild of mexican ghetto whores and secretely bi jewish skinheads with baby wangs, before ripping of half my moustache!" He pointed towards the hairy stub on his face. "And now I just lay here by the river, masturbating alone in my despair!" The serpent started sobbing, his salty tears dripping into the river and poisoning the various species of sweet water fish living there, since they are not supposed to ingest salt in such quantities. It was tragic.

Rarity straightened her DC cap and stared dramatically at the poor moustache remains. "Ain't leaving no nigga in the shit foo. Time for Pimp my 'Stache. Nigga."

Applejack raised an eyebrow and threw in an obligatory racist remark. "Don't seem like ya negros to share or give willingly. More like stealin'."

"Only bikes, muthafucka."

Pinkie offered her a pair of scissors she had pulled out of her vagina. The unicorn approached the poor serpent and prompty cut off a piece of her tail, which she stitched onto his face. The serpent's face immediately brightened.

"Oh thank you! I cannot possibly repay you-"

"Oh Steeeven!" A rough voice called out.

Everyone gasped as another serpent emerged from the water. This one had green scales but no hair, having shaved it off a while ago. His body was much more muscular than Steven's and covered with ugly scars and the occasional lewd sexual tattoos. His eyes glowed a malevolent dark blue, an obvious sign that he had been possesed by Mooning Nightmare. Also his penis was the size of a very sharpened pencil.

"How ya doing, you fucking prune!" The newly arrived serpent shouted in a very white and obnoxious voice, a wide grin covering his face. "Found any more faggoty friends?"

"B- Bernie?!"

"Sup, fag," Bernie turned towards the ponies. "Oh look, gay boy found himself some butt budies. Except they're not, cause they're female! HA!" Everyone facepalmed at Bernie's retarded comment because he's retarded.

Twilight eyed him suspiciously. "Steven, who's this dickhead?"

"That's Dr. Dickhead to you young lady," retorted the skinhead serpent.

"What the fuck-" began Twilight, but Steven interrupted her.

"Bernie? But, you should be in prison!"

"Oh yeah," the retard laughed. "But I clawed my way out of hell just for you, and to evade the homo assfuckers in the showers. You are my opposite, my negative, my nemesis, and I shall not rest until a thousand worms devour your flesh."

Everyone gasped. "For serious!"

"I am the anti Christ."

"Oh give me a break," groaned Twilight. "And I'm Barack fucking Hussein fucking Obama."

"You would invoke the black Jesus's name here! How dare you!"

Everyone gaped as Bernie's inhaled a huge breath of air. Evil satanic light began to glow around him, motes of blood red evil floating in ever increasingly fast circles around him. The ground shook as Bernie's jaw unhinged. Something dark, amorphous and evil spewed out of it!

"SHIT FUCK JEW WAR DICK HOLE CHEESESQUINTY EYED YAM BAG CHINAMAN WART NIGGER NOSTRIL RAPING NAIL SHITTING TERRORIST SAND NIGGER PIT LICKING GAY AIDS CUNT WAXER!"

The ponies' ears almost exploded. "AaAAGHgGH!" Their heads rang and their vision spun. Their brains felt like they was going to blow up. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy projectile vomited.

"What the fuck just happened?" Asked Twilight.

Shivering, Rainbow Dash wiped away some vomit from her mouth. "Ah... The race hate... So strong... So offensive."

Only two mares seemed unaffected by Bernie's verbal assault; Pinkie seemed completely oblivious to what had just happened and Rarity...

Rarity was furious.

The negro mare approached the skinhead serpent with slow, deliberate steps. Her entire body was quivering with anger, making the ground around them starting to shake again under the ponies' hooves. Bernie nervously moved back from Rarity when he saw her face; it was bright red like a baboon's ass, steam leaking out of her ears and nostrils like a pressure cooker.

"What did ya say... Nigga?"

"Uh..."

"WHAT DIDJA SAY, NIGGA?!"

Rarity dragged Bernie down to face her. His eyes widened in terror as the mare inhaled deeply.

She unleashed the power.

"FUCK YOU BITCH ASS PUSSY ASS NIGGA! I'LL BEAT THE MOTHERFUCKING CRAP OUT OF YOU NIGGA! FUCKING WHITE ASS PUSSY GET HIS ASS HANDLED TO HIM IN DA HOOD NIGGA! MOTHERFUCKING RACIST SHIT MOTHERFUCKER BITCH ASS NIGGA!"

Blood poured out of Bernie's ears and eyes, his pitiful screams for mercy piercing the night as he flailed around wildly; not even the most hardcore redneck can survive a full-on verbal assault from an angry black person.

Rarity jumped in the air and brough her hoof up to the skies. An enormous ball of energy shaped like a black fist materialized around it. It was AIDS, it was Ebola. It was whiplash and SID, it was broken bones and shattered dreams, 50 Cent and gunshots; it was religious intolerance and ethnic purity. It was despair and black holes and the nightmares of small children ages one through five. Everyone covered their eyes.

Rarity cannonballed through the air straight for Bernie, trailing racial sensitivity behind her. She brought her hoof to bear in a straight trajectory for Bernie's face, who uselessly tried to cover his face. Time seemed to slow down as the air parted beneath her.

"NYUKKA PAAAAUUUUUWNCH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The world exploded in a blast of energy and Kool-Aid. Rarity's hoof hit Bernie's face with the force of a thousand suns and pulverised it, the only remains being a thick red mist exploding across the forest. Everything in an area of two miles was annihilated; trees snapped and fell, animals were blown away by the gale-force winds and the other ponies including Steven had to dig their appendages into the ground, trying desperately to hold on against the Nigga Punch blast.

After several agonizing, world-shattering seconds, the blast finally died down.

Holy crap, I managed to write something!

Don't worry (maybe). I have more chapters coming up soon.

What will happen next? Will Rarity use her newfound nigga powers for good? Will the Mane Six catch Mooning Nightmare? Will the evil alicorn manage to stop them? Is Molestia raping someone?

All that, and more, in the next chapter of MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL!

In which everything is retarded.

Haelo, I aem Artyom :D

Since the last chapter was racially offensive and overall politically incorrect, I decided to adopt a more serious, professional writing style in the writing of My Little PONEY: The parody from hell. Here is what I've come up with:

Why My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a metaphor for homosexual power

by Fagpants McDeathoftheauthor

The story begins with an almost transparent metaphor; a female voice detailing the story of the royal sisters and how they "created harmony" across the magical land of Equestria. It is in this introduction that the first important symbol is presented; an image of the royal sisters trailing each other in a circle, with the sun and the moon withing their grasp; a metaphor for the estrus cycle. This quickly exemplifies the female imagery that permeates throughout the story: both sisters give the illusion of being very old and wise, which can be translated into maternal power when taking their "creation of harmony" into account: an obvious symbol for birth. Along with the bright colors and calm music in the background, the theme is clear: the show attempts to elevate female domination, which is a bit ironic considering what follows.

The description of the younger sister's transformation serves two motives. The first, more obvious reason is to create a conflict that advances the story. The second, more ulterior reason is at this point less obvious. The character of Nightmare Moon is hard to directly place in a category due to her many roles later, but her role in controlling the "night" or the "dark time" of the estrus circle makes it clear that she represents a woman on PMS, who quickly conflicts the more harmonious, brighter side of the estrus cycle; her sister.

Nightmare Moon's attempt to wrench control of her sister can be translated into the irrational, hormonal side of angry women. In an attempt to restore the balance of the estrus cycle, the older sister uses several artifacts called the "Elements of Harmony". The significance of these ovary-shaped objects is rather vague and, like Nightmare Moon, can represent many things. In this instance though, the older sister uses them to "banish" Nightmare Moon; a metaphor for hormone control pills.

After the introductory part and the theme song is over, we are presented with the main heroine of the story; Twilight Sparkle. It is clear that she too is meant to reinforce the image of the independent, capable woman, and many parallels are drawn between her and the royal sisters. She is bookish, meaning she is knowledgeable in many topics like the alicorns, and her cutie mark represents five stars circling a larger one, akin to the symbol of the royal sisters circling the moon and the sun, or the estrus symbol. By now there is no doubt: Twilight is going to be a major role figure in the storyline.

However, she is not perfect. Note that at the beginning, she refuses to be with "her friends" just to amass more knowledge; this can be seen as her naiveté to all sexual topics, since she shot down an open invitation to "hang out". A subplot develops from there; Twilight learning more about the world around her is a metaphor for her discovering her sexuality as the story progresses further.

Her assistant Spike the baby dragon is a matter of some controversy. As the first male character presented in the show, he is small compared to the ponies and serves Twilight's every command. His relationship with her is unclear, since this can either be seen as hormonal male teenagers slaving around girls to impress them, or it can further establish the message of female dominance by showing that women are clearly superior to men. As a matter of fact, Spike is seen falling down four times in the library scene. Regardless, Spike represents the role of men in the ideal matriarchal society.

At this point, Twilight asks Spike to send a letter to the princess. More parallels between Twilight and the royal sisters can be drawn here; Twilight clearly calls her "my dearest teacher", which implies a deeper connection between the two women. Again Spike is shown to be inferior to Twilight when writing the letter, since he cannot spell the complex, elegant words that Twilight tells him to. This is obviously another metaphor for female power; Twilight has access to much information (a fact reinforced by the library setting) and is able to easily upstage him while Spike, even with his phallic quill, is unable to cope.

Then comes the matter of Celestia sending Twilight to Ponyville. These are the first steps of Twilight's discovery of her sexuality.

She first visits the Apple family, who stereotypically represent the traditional views on sexuality and marriage. Keep in mind that since this show promotes femininity, there are no pejorative southern stereotypes present such as incest or sleazy sexual contacts; instead (as might be attributed to the "Element of Honesty") the character of Applejack might be seen as an example for women who value family and straight marriage; the latter somewhat ironic in what is to come.

The other "Elements" also show different attributes to sexuality. Rarity represents the typically seductive side of females and overall lust. This is reinforced by her somewhat elegant demeanor and manner of speech, and the fact that Spike immediately falls for her; another metaphor for female power and their dominance over males, like in this case, where Rarity shows control over the love-stricken Spike.

Rainbow Dash is an overall easy one to guess. Her tomboyish attitude and brash behavior are a generalization of lesbians and homosexuality, a fact which is reinforced by her multicolored mane; an obvious metaphor for the Gay Pride flag. An interesting fact is her personality, as mentioned before. She is loyal to her cause, but sometimes brash and quick to judge and/or threaten those who she deems against her, much like the behavior of many gay right activists. Note also that her appearance is the first part of an overall message: homosexual power. Up until now, there has been very little mention of it, except for the possibly hinted relationship between Twilight and Celestia.

Pinkie Pie represents nothing else but sex. She is fast, fun-loving and always moving around, much like the attributes you would apply to someone's sexual activities in bed. Her overall pink color scheme and her cutie mark resembling balloons (aka condoms) are another giveaway.

Finally, there is Fluttershy. Her role might be a bit more confusing: she could either represent the naturally loving and caring instinct of mothers, or just the awkward feelings of love. Nevertheless, her role will become clearer later on. Also note that all the main characters, excluding the submissive Spike, are female. By now it is unclear if the underlying message of feminine power is going even stronger, or if it is simply another subliminial ploy by vengeful feminists on society.

WIth the main cast presented, the "action" finally buids up.

The arrival of Nightmare Moon is of course a return to the chaotic PMS energies of women. To defeat her, Twilight and her friends must brave many obstacles to defeat the evil mare, each of them suggesting a close relation to sexuality. First off by letting Twilight "demonstrate" her "trust" towards Applejack; then by having Rarity use her feminine wiles to "persuade" a "sea serpent" to help them across a river; then letting Pinkie Pie "giggle at the ghosties" (a metaphor for laying down your worries for your first sexual contact); then letting Fluttershy calm a raging beast using her maternal powers; and finally letting Rainbow Dash have display faith in her loyalty to her friends (lesbians), despite pressure from the leecherous Shadowbolts (haters). It is during the course of this adventure that Twilight experiments and discovers her sexuality thanks to the other mares.

The real star of the show is though the Everfree Forest. It is described as an overall evil place by the "harmony"-loving ponies, and is a metaphor for the dangers of sexuality; the hostile wildlife and flora represent STDs while the threatening atmosphere and nighttime represent rape, since dark, threatenting places at night are the perfect setting for rape. Even then, the "Elements" trudge on fearlessly. A more docile soul might see this as a metaphor for that love conquers all.

Now comes the definite message of homosexual power. With the final confrontation against Nightmare Moon, she supposedly smashes the Elements of Harmony and claims that all hope is lost. With the purest forms of feminine power gone and the introduction of "eternal night", Nightmare Moon makes it clear that she will no longer rely upon herself or the female power for self-gratification. Coupled with the setting for the confrontation, a large hall where "pillars" shoot up from the ground into the ceiling, Nightmare Moon means that she will rely on male appendages only for sexual pleasure. By now the feminism is at its most extreme, openly claiming that male hetero activity is evil.

All hope is not lost though; Twilight uses all sexual knowledge she has acquired to make the true elements reappear and fires a LGBT beam at Nightmare Moon, cleansing her of all vile hetero desires. Only lesbianism in it's purest form can defeat her, since it proves females are superior to men and do not need them for self-gratification. Nightmare Moon transforms back into Luna and reconciles with her sister; the estrus cycle has returned to normal.

In the final scene, it shows Twilight and her newfound friends joyfully celebrating the end of hetero tyranny. With Pinkie appearing at the very end, it is clear that the party is but a clever guise for a massive lesbian orgy. Thus, homosexual power is shown to have prevailed.

I have no fucking idea what I just wrote.

Wow. That uh... Didn't really work out as planned. It makes me fear what would come out of my mind if I was drunk. Or high.

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

Chapter 3

Night was still hanging oppresively over the Everfree Forest. That particular night the sky was filled with stars, reflecting the massive universe they were situated in; vast, empty, and full of white spots, like a nude Magic: The Gathering tournament. Stars of all kinds of shapes and colors hung impassively in the sky, passively observing the struggle mortals carried out in the Everfree. White stars, blue stars, red stars, even brown stars. It takes many colors to make a politically correct star. Too bad there aren't any lesbian stars, I would totally take pictures.

After saying their goodbyes to Steven, the motley crew carried on towards the abandoned castle in the woods. They had some more mishaps along the way (like almost falling off a cliff or Rainbow being offered sexual advances from the Shadowbolts, which she promptly refused) but these events are boring and not relevant to the story.

At all.

Probably.

As they reached the foot of the gates, the mares almost had to look up to the night sky to discern the top of the walls. Virgin tears and satanic symbols coursed across the ramparts, glowing in a demonic red light. A few birds gazed solemnly down upon the visitors with dead eyes. Fluttershy couldn't help but tear up at the miserable, spindly creatures who barely looked like they could fly.

"Oh, those poor creatures..."

A pile of bird shit landed on her muzzle.

"FUCKING BIRDS!"

Fluttershy pulled out a tommy gun and held down the trigger, spraying lead and death towards the cackling assholes.

RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA

One by one, they fell from the wall as the bullets ripped through their bodies or exploded in a shower of blood and gore. Fluttershy still held down the trigger even as they all died until the weapon cicked empty. Her angry scowl was replaced by a gentle smile. She wiped off the bird shit with a hoof.

"Sorry girls. I needed to work out some stress."

"I just knew she was too nice to be true," Twilight muttered under her breath.

Slowly, they entered the massive hall.

Everyone gasped at the scene before them; Mooning Nightmare was busy clopping like fuck to some real nasty rule 34 shit on her laptop, not even bothering to acknowledge the other mares presence. Sweat ran down the alicorn face as her right hoof moved up and down in tact quickly behind her desk, while she used the left hoof to browse around.

Also the cobweb-covered Elements of Harmony were lying in the corner and gathering dust but no one gave a fuck.

"UuUungh, that's a good one," Mooning gasped in ecstasy as she fell upon a picture of Soarin and Braeburn doing the 69 position. The other ponies simply stood at the entrance with mortified expressions, too shocked to move or even register what was happening in front of them.

"Ungh.... Owaaaaaaaaa!" Mooning finally climaxed and brought the screen down violently, struggling for breath as she finished. Only then did she notice the other ponies staring at her. Her eyes widened like saucers and her jaw hung loose.

"Hey, what the fuck! I mean.... Foolish mortals!" She boomed and shoved her desk away, standing up to her full glory. "Thou would dare to enter the castle to challenge me!"

"It ends here Mooning!" Twilight challenged.

"Feh! As if!" Mooning laughed and lightning cracked across the sky. "Thou dost not hold thy power to defeat ME! The Elements are in my posession!"

Twilight rolled her eyes and used her telekinesis to float them over to her side.

"HEY! Not fair bitch!"

Mooning charged up her horn. Everyone jumped to cover behind some pillars as a dark blast of magic erupted from the alicorn and sped towards the mares. Their cover was blown apart and they were sent both screaming and flying upon each other in a big pile. Mooning then sent another blast of magic, which destroyed the Elements. Everyone gasped in horror.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Top that, bitches!"

And with that, Mooning sped further into the bowels of the castle.

Twilight was paralyzed in shock. The Elements were destroyed. Mooning had escaped. They had failed Molestia. Rainbow orgasmed.

It was all her fault.

The unicorn sunk into a state of deepest depression at her failure, tears flowing down her face. Sobs wracked her body and she fell down to the floor, burying her head underneath her front hooves and crying.

"It's all my fault! I failed everyone!"

Everyone else approached Twilight with heavy hearts and hugged to poor mare, letting their own tears flow. In the oppresive darkness of the cold and unforgiving castle, they only found comfort in each other.

Twilight bowled everyone over when she suddenly shot up from the pile of hugging ponies.

"Oh shit! Everyone's getting buttraped if we don't stop her!"

She quickly sprung to her hooves and pursued the dark alicorn.

"Twilight! Wait for us!" Rainbow shouted but was stopped when a massive black hoof slammed in her way. Standing over the other ponies was a black alicorn with red stripes and snake eyes, his cutie mark representing a skull with wings on fire. The newcomer adopted a heroic pose before speaking out in a clear voice.

"Fear not, beautiful ladies, for I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, will triumph over evil! And then have sex with you all."

"What in tarnation-"

"Everyone, that creature is a marisoo!" Fluttershy spoke in panic. "Quick! Ignore it!"

As everyone tried their best to tune out the annoying and obnoxious marisoo, said creature was dictating its entire life that was OH SO FUCKING INTERESTING.

"...and my parents were a bunch of haters who beat me every day, and I just hated life in general, because humans are evil and greedy and corrupt and shit, but then I commited suicide and got a second chance at life, so I was reincarnated here in Equestria as an alicorn..."

He never noticed the others had already left.

Twilight Sparkle fucking smashed through the floor and landed with a heavy thud, sending a miniature shockwave across the hall which destroyed several Hometrees and killing or injuring several Navi. The ground which was as hard as diamond or crystals, shattered easily under the force behind Twilight's hooves. She stood up, a child sized part of the floor stuck to her front hooves like bracelets, which she easily pried off.

"TAKE THAT YOU FURRY WHORES!" She screamed at the crying and burning blue monkeys. God damn I hate the Navi. The only thing I hate more than the Navi is the enviroment- seriously, fuck air. If you liked that movie you are a furry.

Twilight cracked her neck several times before making her way towards the exit. She stepped right into a pool of shit.

"GOD DAMN IS THIS ONE CLUSTERFUCK OF A SHITTY CESS PIT!" She yelled. The entire castle shook. "WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE!"

As Twilight continued ranting about the shit she had just stepped in, the smell started spreading across the hall and flowing into the noses of surviving Navi.

"Wait..." One asked as he sniffed the air. "What's... That... SMELL!"

"What are you-" Another one asked before his face contorted into an expression of extreme disgust. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Everywhere else the Navi's horrified faces turned towards the purple mare.

"WHAT IS THAT SHIT SHE STEPPED IN! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" The yelling Navi threw up in front of everyone else. "BLLLLAAAAARGGHGHHHHHHHHH!"

The smell of vomit incited the others to vomit as well, sending chunks of foul greenish substance in front of another group of Navi. "BLLERGEGLBLERHGBHHBHH BAR F BARF BARF HURRRRL."

And then all those Navi also vomited, projectile spewing great gouts of green spinach like liquid that smelled of vinegar and stale bagels. "BALLGHGHGGHGGH HARRRFF HAGH HACK HACK BLARRGHHHGGHGHG FLLPPPHHRRRAAAGGHGH!"

"OH MY GOD!" gasped one Navi through mouthfuls of vomit and shakily pointed towards Twilight. "The smell… it's like the rotting shit of babies slowly churned in a cow dick grinding slaughter house!"

"No!" screamed another group of Navi. "It's like a carton of rotten eggs stuffed with old custard and dick cheese and whipped into a meat pie blended with dried spit and fried boogers!"

Then all Navi began puking and shitting at the same time. "NO. NO. It's like the combined shit of ten thousand oriental farmers fertilizing an entire field of skunk cabbage FLOODED WITH MENSTRUATION JUICES!"

The Navi began throwing up their guts until they were dead. Twilight didn't give a single fuck.

She noticed Mooning Nightmare's army of undead minions flocking around her, their savage, twisted features thirsting for the mare's blood. Like always, Twilight didn't give a fuck. They were all pathetically weak and cowardly.

"HGRGRGHH. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THESE SWINE TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF THEIR CONQUEROR!"

Twilight tore a shotgun from her back and gripped it so hard it became superheated. She turned towards the zombies.

"GRAAAAAH!" Her warcry struck fear into the undead's nonexistent hearts and they ran away, but they did not get far.

"GO THEN!" she bellowed. "GO THEN, SLUTS, AND HIDE BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S SKIRTS." Then she pulled the trigger so hard all the shells in the gun fired at once. A flaming black wall of shotgun pellets erupted from the muzzle of the shotgun, which exploded, as did the rest of the shotgun from the sheer force of the blast. The trillions of pellets all condensed into one giant bullet that plowed through the mob of zombies, wreaking terror and destruction upon their weak womanly bodies.

"HRRRGGH!" Twilight thrust her pelvis back and forth in the motion of a great warrior taking a willing harlot as she watched a swath of rotting blood erupt from the trench of pulverized bodies she had wrought. She looked down at the smoking handle of the shotgun in her hoof, all that remained of the puny weapon.

"FEH." Twilight cast aside the handle and it turned into dust. She turned to leave, but as she did something materialized out of thin air behind her.

Sparks in the shape of skulls cascaded down the nightmarish representation of a black and horned horse head. A cruel grin spead across its mouth, while blue fire cascaded from its eyes. From it dripped a constant deluge of smoking silver blood, encased in a sheath of blue flames. It was Mooning Nightmare, speaking remotely to Twilight Sparkle.

"SO." Said Twilight, not turning around or looking at the creature that had brought him to this place. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO, ACCURSED ONE, BRINGING TWILIGHT OF THE SPARKLE HERE TO THIS LABYRINTH, AND NOT OF HER DESIRE AT THAT?"

The head bobbed up and down on an air cushion made of screams, cackling madly. "FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WOULD CHALLENGE A GOD—A GOD OF GODS! IN THIS PLACE I AM THE MASTER, MASTER OF ALL THINGS FAIR AND FOUL!"

"FOOLISH ATHENIAN!" roared Twilight, smashing her fist into the wall which caused the wall to die. "RELEASE ME FROM THIS MADHOUSE, OR I WILL CAST YOU DOWN AS I HAVE A THOUSAND OTHER GODS BEFORE YOU!"

"NAY!" hissed the Accused Alicorn, slithering through the air like the visible head of an invisible ebony flaming serpent. "NAY, BARBARIAN, YOU WILL DO AS I BID, OR I WILL LEAVE YOU LOCKED WITHIN THIS PLACE TO SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

Twilight rounded on the arrogant trawl. "TRECHAROUS SWINE! I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I WILL NOT BE CHAINED BY ANY MAN'S WILL, GOD OR MORTAL EITHER, OR BOTH!"

"FOOL!" retorted Mooning Nightmare. "LITTLE DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS THE EQUINOX! THE SHADOWS OF ALL THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE FALL UPON YOU, WHILE I RISE TO MY TRUE POWER!"

"FOUL KNAVE!" Twilight rounded on the false god, again. "I WILL PLAY ALONG FOR NOW, BUT MARK MY WORDS; YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!".

Mooning Nightmare laughed. "HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! IF THOU WISH TO FIND ME, GET THEE FROM MY SIGHT, MUSCLE BOUND FOOL, AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE STYGIAN DEPTHS OF THE ACCURSED HALLS DAMNED SOULS KNOW AS... THE LABYRINTH!"

"BAH!" Twilight spat on the ground, her spit punching a hole through the ground, and into the earth's core. "NO ONE TOYS WITH THE SPARKLE. I SHALL LAY RUIN UPON YOU ONE DAY, SOULESS ONE, MARK MY WORDS."

With that she turned from the laughing visage of the hell god and marched into the depths of the Labyrinth. As luck would have it, though, she held in her left hoof a ball of yarn, with which she was able to unravel as she walked and so form a gigantic trip wire to trip everyone. And it was good.

From the darkness emerged a great beast, made of darkness. The foul Nightmare phage had corrupted its body into a twisted parody of strength and manhood, and it loped as a beast of the field would lope. Twilight stared into the fell eyes of the creature and her lips peeled back in a snarl.

"FOUL CUNTBUCKLER! WHAT BE THY NAME, SO I MAY KNOW THY NAME BEFORE I STRIKE YOU DOWN?"

The beast held in its hand a massive blade forged from the fused skeletons of a hundred sinners. It raised that blade above its towering head, the tip brushing the darkened ceiling, such was its length.

"THE DEVIL CALLS ME THYRIAXS. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME 'DEATH.'"

"WHAT A COINCIDENCE—" snarled Twilight Sparkle, baring her bloody teeth which were all canines. "THAT IS MY NAME AS WELL!" And then she leapt high into the air.

"HAVE AT THEE!" screamed the beast, black eyes flaring, and it swung the boneblade in an arc so mighty and so swifty that it clove the air in half.

"FEH!" Twilight brushed the blade aside, in mid air, as she jumped, and planted both rear hooves into the chest of the rotting creature, sending them both toppling backwards to the ground. The beast snapped forwards with jaws of steel and one of its mighty fangs plunged deep into Twilight's shoulder, piercing through muscle and bone alike. The Sparkle grunted from the pain and strained against the creature's vice like jaw with all hooves, trying to stop its foul maw from snapping shut around her. The stench of a million dying worlds blasted into her face, but Twilight only laughed like a mad mare into the mouth of death. Then she strained, and split the creature's lower jaw in half by doing the splits.

The monster screamed, and Twilight wrenched, pulled, and tore one of the long deadly halves of the jaw bone from its socket. Her hooves wedged between light saber sharp teeth and she smiled grimly, hauling back and then delivering a palpable blow to the side of the creature's head with its own bone!

THRYRIGIX let out a deafening roar of agony that shook the world. It clutched at the bloody mass of puss where an eye had been, only to be silenced when Twilight struck it in the throat, tearing out its throat with its own bone! The mighty warrior jumped and landed hard on the putrid snout of the beast and then brought her weapon down atop its skull, puncturing through its skull and into its brain with its own bone!

"DIE!" Twilight brought the row of deadly teeth down again and again, until the THRYAXGRAHX's brain case split open and its brain, which was made of flaming rats, spilled out and scattered its burning rodent contents all over the floor.

"YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THIS PLACE!" gurgled THYRXGRGHXXSAFXX as the last vestiges of its foul life ebbed away out of its pulverized head.

"SUCK ON THIS!" Twilight kicked its head off and walked away.

"HA!" the false god known as Mooning Nightmare bobbed up beside her, trailing a wake of floating dead people on fire. "THAT CREATURE WAS BUT THE FIRST OF MANY YOU MUST FACE IN YOUR QUEST TO FIND ME! DO YOU THINK, PUNY MORTAL, THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT THAT WHICH HAS LAIN HERE FOR CENTURIES!"

The Sparkle turned to look at her with a gaze made of steel. "THINKING IS FOR THE WEAK-I KNOW."

"FOOL!" Spluttered the equine monstrosity as blood sprayed from its crevices. All of them. "YOU WILL DIE HERE, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AND YOU WILL BE THE MASTER OF NOTHING BUT BONES, WRAPPED IN YOUR OWN REMAINS AND INHALING THE FOUL DECAY OF AGES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"YOU TALK TOO MUCH." Twilight backhoofed the floating head across the room. It smashed into a wall, but instantly regained its balance.

"I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT A THOUSAND TIMES!"

It zipped away into a nearby ventilation shaft.

Stay tuned for the next chapter.

The dramatic conclusion.

The passengers cowered in fear as the masked men travelled down the aisle of the aeroplane, holding their weapons in clear view for everyone to see. The message was clear: you move, you die. In the cockpit stood a single man with a middle-eastern complexion and a small mustache, holding a gun pressed to the terrified pilot's head and a video camera pointed towards his own face in the other hand. Suddenly, the pilot eyes widened in terror; the plane was heading right for the side of a building! His captor merely grinned and looked at the camera with a smile.

"Hi, I'm Khalid al-Mihdhar, and this is Jackass."

"What the fu-"

Everything erupted on fire.

My Little PONEY: The parody from hell

Chapter 4: IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

"ENOUGH!" roared Twilight as a wave of necrotic flesh spilled from every other ventilation shaft and rushed towards her, brandishing rusted weapons packed with bullets covered in spikes and mutated limbs weaponized by the devious designs of the Nightmare.

"WEAKLINGS! YOU WOULD DARE CHALLENGE THE SPARKLE!" She swung the deadly, man sized jaw bone and cut down the first dozen combatant forms that lurched forwards. A tsunami of shredded yellow flesh sprayed over her glistening muscles.

"I'LL SHOVE CURLY STRAWS THROUGH YOUR SKULLS AND DRINK YOUR FUCKING SOULS!" Twilight punched a zombie so hard that it died all over again, and then came back to life and she killed it again. Motherfucker.

Twilight grabbed a chain saw that was on the ground and started it. She swung it like a combat knife, sawing through wave after wave of zombies with a backhand grip, just like a pro knife fighter like Steven Segal would except with a chain saw. Billions of zombies fell to her pro-like skills, and Twilight let out a roar of triumph. She grabbed a roll of duct tape and taped the chainsaw to her horn, so that wherever she looked everything would die—assuming of course that it was close enough for her to see it. Twilight swung her head left and right, casting her chain saw laser eye beams about the dank chambers of that blood hazed torture gulag known as the Labyrinthion. A fluid that was fifty percent liquefied flesh, fifty percent blood, and ten percent fuck went everywhere, covering everything with itself.

"YES!" Twilight threw her hooves to the ceiling, caught them on their way down, and then used them like ninja sticks to beat the ever loving shit out of every single zombie in the room.

Suddenly a dinosaur attacked! It was a T-REX, its once majestic body twisted and deformed by the invasive designs of the foul, corrupting influence of steroid abuse. Where the tiny T-REX arms used primarily for mid-coital back rubs had once been, now there were equally tiny tentacular appendages used for mid-coital deep tissue massages. Also, two enormous testicular fire sacks hung from its broad chin, full of mighty cumfire ready to spray instant death.

"HEHEHEHEHEHA HA HA HA HA!" roared the T-REX in the voice of acting star and pop culture sensation Bruce Campbell, "SPARKLE, YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED TYRGRHAXGAHRATYRGRAXHARGRAX BUT YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME."

"SILENCE, GIANT SACK LIZARD." Twilight flexed her body, causing the chain saw to pop off her head and fall to the ground, its mechanism too clogged with gelatinous chunks of shredded gore meat to work anymore. Twilight picked up a half loaded assault rifle from the floor, punched into it, and pulled out a handful of bullets.

"FOOLISH PONY," laughed the Brucasaurus. "YOU NEED A GUN TO FIRE BULLETS."

"FEH," said Twilight. "I NEED NO BULLETS TO FIRE A GUN!" Then she threw the bullets at the Camballsaurus so hard that they accelerated to seven times the velocity of normal gun bullets and all penetrated the cum fire sack on the dinosaur's head. Hot napalm spewed out of the hole in the sack.

"AAAIEEEE!" screamed the T-REX in the voice of David Sedaris. "THE PAIN-THE PAIN!"

Twilight turned away like she was some pro shit. "I CARE NOT FOR YOUR SENSATIONS."

As the Dinosaur fell Twilight walked on, itching for more combat. A group of zombies barged around the corner and charged her. Among them were, shockingly, hundreds more Campbellsaurs, their massive testicle chins swinging to and fro as the charged on their huge chickensaur feet, caring for naught that they crushed puny undead beneath. But above them all stood a creature of magnitifuderence far beyond the pale of normal words. It was composed of a million dead bodies, all fused together to create a single, terrible, fleshy, bony, calciferous arm; billions of other dead bodies were also part of it, and they made up its other arm and both legs. The dead bodies had merged into a single unit, a massive flesh golem without a face, without a nose or eyes or ears—indeed, without a face, but for its massive gaping The Maw that oozed constant pus and gaseous exchanges from the continually hell furnace hot core of its rotted being. It was the size of a house—nay, two houses! The monstrosity raised one club like hand to point at Twilight Sparkle.

She stared back at the demon without a trace of fear. "THIS," stated the great warrior "IS AN ABOMINATION THAT MUST BE PURGED." She began to flex her muscles, but that was only the beginning. After she finished flexing her muscles, Twilight pulled a rail road spike from the wall and jammed it into her own chest, making a blood sacrifice to Mars, the God of War.

"OH GREAT MARS!" roared Twilight as the infinite horde approached. The literal wall of zombies toppled over, then restacked, then toppled over, spilling its towering wall of flesh over and over again as an infinite amount of undead foes pressed towards the single mare alone.

"OH GREAT MARS I CALL ON YOU IN MY HOUR OF NEED. GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CLEANSE THIS ULCER FROM THE UNDERBELLY OF THE EARTH."

The Sparkle brought up a hoof, punched into her own chest, and pulled out her own heart with the railroad spike in it, raising it high to the heavens as an offering.

Time stopped.

From the very air itself a portal emerged—a portal of screaming mouths, eyes, of souls banished to oblivion forever. A figure clad in bleached white robes and a copper crown strained from the Black Gate, pulling against a hundred maleficent arms that tried to pull him back. Twilight watched the figure struggle.

Men do not need help.

The figure finally collapsed to the ground before her, and yet when it stood it stood with stately precision and grace. The man surveyed her with brilliant eyes, hands folded humbly before her.

"So. Twilight Sparkle," said Julius Caesar. "You would make an offering of your heart to our god, Mars?"

"AYE," stated Twilight, squeezing her heart. Some blood came out. "WHAT OBJECTION DO YOU HAVE, MIGHTY CAESAR?" she asked, for she well knew that the only time men ever need to talk to each other is when they disagree.

"I come to offer you a warning, my daughter," said Caesar sagely. "Listen well: I smote the facile Republic of Rome and in its place imposed the hardcore rule of my iron dick-will. And yet, at the last, I stood alone at the feet of the statue of Pompey Magnus, my arch nemesis and once ally. I died there, surrounded by weak fools, the very power of Rome itself just out of grasp. So I say to you now, Twilight Sparkle, remember me: though I ruled the world with all the power one could ever have, I was never invincible. Know this as you offer your meat and blood to the God of War. Remember me. Remember me! REMEMBER ME!"

And then Great Caesar's Ghost turned and strode without fear into the black hell mouth, which closed with a crack of thunder and a rushing of sensation as time returned to normal.

Twilight nodded silently to the Ghost of Caesar, wherever he may have been. "I WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS, GREAT MENTOR, FRIEND, AND…FATHER."

Then she cut her own heart in half and threw her hoof to the sky, clutching the very essence of her life.

The fucking ceiling broke open.

A blood night red sky was revealed, and in its dead center a black moon as black as night hovered. The stars fell out of the sky all around, crashing down through the remnants of the ceiling to clatter to the floor around Twilight's feet. The black moon became bigger, bigger, larger, moving closer and closer. Everyone stared, even the zombies, until the Twilight realized what it was.

It was an eye. A great, monospherical eye, the eye of Mars himself. And the red around the eye was not the sky, but the ruddy face of Mars. And the stars that had fallen to earth were his dandruff, which was made of diamonds.

"YOU HAVE CALLED ME, AND I HAVE COME!" came a voice that shook reality itself. "YOU HAVE GIVEN ME YOUR LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER. KNOW NOW THAT ONCE SUCH A PATH IS TAKEN, IT MAY NEVER BE RECINDED UPON."

"ONLY A WEAK MARE KNOWS," spat Twilight into the eye of the god. "I DO."

"YOU HAVE SPIRIT," chortled the God. "SO BE IT!" There was a flash of light that seemed to wipe away all the shadows that had ever been cast. When the world blinked bleary eyes and looked, Twilight was holding the Spear of Destiny in her hooves.

She looked down at the weapon, then at her smooth unblemished chest where moments ago there had been a terrible wound. The Sparkle could no longer feel her heart, and the truth dawned on her.

Her body was now running on pure testosterone.

Twilight held the spear head of the spear of destiny in her hoof and turned towards the infinite undead horde. The dim light of the library glinted off the ebony length of the weapon that had killed the Christian God.

She pointed at the zombies.

"COME THEN. COME TO YOUR DEATHS."

They did, their billion footfalls shaking the very earth itself. The maniple of charging Brucesaurs that breathed liquid jizz fire charged too. Twilight growled and swung the Spear of Destiny at them. Something huge and white blossomed from the spear tip, shooting towards the zombies with a righteous fury. It was a Jesus Christ. The son of god shot into the horde at ten thousand miles per hour, spearing one of the Mega Scrotal dinosaurs in the heart. Blood and pus flew everywhere, and as The Sparkle swung the great black spear again another Jesus erupted from its tip, cutting a swath of destruction through the horde with his holy host.

The two Jesus super clones rose from the blood soaked wreckage their holy bodies had wrought and turned to each other. Each was wearing nothing but a loin cloth and two over lapping bandoliers that held nothing but bullets in the shapes of crucifixes. The first Jesus turned to Twilight.

"My daughter," he said solemnly, his flowing brown beard contrasting nicely with his very white, anglo saxon skin stretching over a bulging thirty six pack and pectorals the size of six ounce steaks. "My daughter…I require a boon of you."

Twilight took a knee. "WHAT DO YOU WISH OF ME, WHITE GOD?"

Jesus reached into his loin cloth and produced a pair of sunglasses, which he then put on.

"Guns," said the first Jesus. "Lots of guns."

Twilight nodded wordlessly, because real men speak as few words as possible to each other. She swung the spear in the general direction of the Jesuses, which as well as producing a third Jesus to join them also created an entire gun rack full of weaponry.

"Looks like we got ourselves a holy trinity," said the second Jesus to the first Jesus.

"You're blessed right," stated the third Jesus, putting on two pairs of sun glasses.

He grabbed a crossbow made of the bones of liberals off of the rack, then removed exactly twelve crucibolts from his bandolier and loaded them into the automatic loading clip on the crossbow, which was shaped like the pope's hat. At the same time, the other two Jesuses loaded up; the first Jesus equipped himself with a machine gun that shot razor blade sharp wafers at two thousand rounds per minute. The second Jesus grabbed an enormous papal mace that even he had to wield with both hands. The mace was covered in spikes shaped like the pope's hat.

"God bless," growled the first Jesus. "Let's go kill these blessed cocksuckers."

Meanwhile, the rest of the Mane 6 had pursued their companion into the bowels of the stygian halls of the Labyrinth, witnessing the destruction she had wrought in her path. Liquefied bodies and blood were smeared everywhere across the walls; not an inch of the corridors wasn't covered in messy liquids.

"Daaamn foo, Twilight cleaning up in da house tonight," said Rarity as she wiped off some brain matter that was stuck to her hooves.

The mares kept following the corpse-ridden path to Twilight before thet noticed lights emerging from a door in the middle of the corridor. As they opened the door, they were greeted with a sight that made them raise their eyebrow in surprise. Neatly organized plastic chairs and tables filled the room, where scores of Nightmare zombies milled around or stood in line for the cafeteria. An overweight zombie food lady with an apron and the meanest look you've ever seen on a regular living food lady poured some mysterious, moving greyish sludge onto the eagerly awaiting zombies' plate with her ladle. Casual conversations were heard across the room, drowning out the slow elevator music that played in the background. Hey, even undead, bloodthirsty abominations spawned from the nightmares of fat roleplayers and following the cult of an anal fetishist have to eat sometimes.

Rainbow's jaw unhinged. "What the fu-"

Every single conversation in the room went silent as all the zombies turned towards the ponies. Silverware clattered onto tables and plates were dropped in surprise as an uncomfortable silence settled over the mess hall. No one even bothered to notice the tumbleweed roll across the floor.

At that moment the cafeteria's cook burst through the kitchen door. In one hoof he held a pie that gleamed with a deadly light. He threw it like a saucer and the pie zinged towards Rainbow, who cried out in panic and threw herself to the side, narrowly avoiding being decapitated.

"FOOD FIGHT!"

Applejack and Pinkie kicked over a few tables while everypony dove to cover, french fries and salad flying over their heads and pinging against their cover. The zombies laughed madly as they slowly approached the cowering mares. One of the zombie officers stood up on a table and started waving a severed head in the air.

"HA HA HA! You will drown in your own viscera!"

A rookie zombie that wanted to be just like the veteran picked up a severed penis and started swinging it around too. Everyone interrupted the fight to stare at him. Fluttershy laughed like an asshole.

Applejack used the distraction to lob a platter of mystery meat at a group of zombies, who noticed it too late and were blown to reddish-brown meat chunks that rained own upon the other undead. The others quickly snapped back into action and started throwing food into the direction of the cowmare, forcing her to take cover again while the ponies returned fire.

"Aauugh!" screamed a female zombie as she was hit in the face by a salvo of onion rings, courtesy of Rainbow Dash. The projectiles tore a piece of her head off. She crumpled to the ground.

"You motherfuckers!" Yelled another zombie, who started lobbing hoofulls of macaroni at the mares before being hit by two onion rings in the chest. Nearby an entire cheeseburger had embedded itself into a zombie's chest. A zombie doctor stood crouched over him, trying to remove the burger as ketchup oozed from the wound.

"I'm done for doc!" gurgled the victim. "Tell my best girl... That I love her..." His mouth slowly filled with ketchup and his eyes went dark.

"Noooooo!" screamed the doctor. He stood, and started throwing cans of beans at the ponies. "Filthy ponies! Take meeeee! Take me instead!"

"War is serious business," commented Applejack. Then she threw a hotdog like a spear towards the doctor and impaled him in the head, sending the body crumpling to the ground as a blast of ketchup and mustard exploded from his shattered skull.

"Ah wonder how that penis got severed," Applejack muttered.

"Kicked in the dick?" Rainbow suggested.

Suddenly, everyone cowered in fear as the food lady jumped over the counter. Between her hands rested a massive chaingun, which she started spinning up. Rainbow urged the others to duck.

"Take cover!"

A hailstorm of superheated, armor-pirecing french fries streamed out of the weapon as spent casings clattered onto the floor. The food lady erupted into laughter as she saw the projectiles slowly eat away at the ponies' cover. She never noticed Pinkie Pie, who had managed to slip away undetected and cannonballed towards the nutrient wench at several thousand miles per second. She barely had time to scream before the pink pony slammed into her. The force was so powerful the lady exploded into a bloody mist, her eyeballs and intestines spreading out all acroos the room. Pinkie stood up from the epicenter of the blast apparently unharmed and picked up the chaingun, spraying deadly salvoes of fries at the zombies. Dozens of undead fell in the gory massacre before they managed to take cover. Still, Pinkie held down the trigger, her body shaking violently in tact with the massive weapon she cradled.

"Giggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggity!"

The last remaining zombies were quickly dispatched by the mares. A few of them tried to tackle Rarity to escape, but she quickly countered with a power fist.

"Rap Battle Blast!"

The black hadouken in the shape of DMX's head struck the zombies, who were completely vaporized on the spot. As the last few zombies were decapitated by a pizza thrown by Fluttershy, silence resettled over the room with only the calm muzzak in the background playing. Corpses littered every nook and cranny of the mess hall, many with grevious wounds caused by impalement or disemboweling by foodstuffs. A single tumbleweed rolled across the floor along with a few severed heads.

Pinkie stood up on the table with her chaingun held in one hoof and produced a pair of black shades.

"Today's special is me..." she put the shades on. "With a side order of death."

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

The Jesuses turned as one, one might say in unison, or in other words as a trinity, to face the oncoming zombie horde. The first Jesus aimed and fired his crucibow, sending a single crucibolt towards the zombies. These were no longer ordinary zombies, for they had evolved and were now covered in spikes. They were called xombies.

The crucibolt, travelling at the speed of 3 wise men combined (faster than light), slammed into the milling throng so hard that it created a crack in their bodies that spread throughout the horde as if it were one body, when in fact the crack somehow spread over all of their bodies. They all split messily in half, spilling their bloody organs everywhere in a huge sloppy eruption. But the crucibolt kept on going; it smashed into a support pillar which was made of titanium and that broke too, sending the entire ceiling crashing down. An enormous pall of dust cascaded from the shattering roof, gigantic chunks of devilish masonry falling in shadowed forms inside the cloud of dust. The sound of a giant's bones creaking filled the world as the roof caved in on itself. Chunks of metal smashed through the floor, destabilizing it and making the floor break as well. All three Jesuses looked up in surprise as an enormous chunk of ceiling shaped like Richard Dawkins boot fell right on top of them.

Then the entire Labyrinth collapsed.

Twilight found herself falling on a platform that had been torn out of the floor, keeping her footing by jamming three of her hooves three inches into the platform. She still held the spear of destiny in her remaining hoof.

Twilight looked around. She was now falling through space, stars and supernovas and black holes everywhere. Also there were planets, the planets of our Galaxy, but they were boring in comparison. A laughing sound came from behind her.

"NYHE HE HE HE HE. YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS OF THIS LABYRINTH, FOOLISH SPARKLE? BARBARIAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AWAITS."

"FEH." Twilight spat into the void. Her spit landed on a water rich planet, and from the microscopic bacteria present in it grew new life, to populate a new race of beings known to some as the Space Marines. That done, she turned to see the representation of Mooning Nightmare floating there. "YOU AGAIN? THE SPARKLE TIRES OF THIS FAÇADE." She cast her hand about the galaxies. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS, THEN, OH FALSE GOD?"

"NO TRICKERY, FOOL. THE LABYRINTH IS NOT MERELY A SERIES OF IDENTICAL HALLWAYS LEADING TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO ALSO IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH TAKE YOU TO MORE ELEVATORS WHICH TAKE YOU TO STILL MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS ALL OF WHICH TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH ALSO TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO YET MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS, AS WELL! IT IS ALSO A DIMENSION OF ITS VERY OWN, A POCKET IN TIME AND SPACE FROM WHINCE NO THING MAY ENTER NOR LEAVE. BY DESTROYING THE CORRIDORS OF THE LABYRINTH YOU HAVE MERELY RESET THE CYCLE: IN A THOUSAND YEARS, THE FIRST ATOMS OF SULPHUROUS CREATION WILL RE-ASSEMBLE. IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS THE GREAT CORRIDORS AND ELEVATORS WILL BEGIN TO BE REALIZED AGAIN, UNTIL THE LABYRINTH THAT YOU SO CASUALLY DESTROYED RISES AGAIN—AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN INTO THE HORRIFIC DARKNESS OF TIME. YOU FACE A LIVING GALAXY, A REALITY THAT KNOWS, THAT BEATS, THAT THIRSTS FOR YOUR BLOOD. NOT EVEN GOD CAN SURPASS THIS PLACE. NOT EVEN THE WEAPON THAT KILLED A GOD CAN DESTROY IT."

Twilight looked down at the spear of destiny in her hoof and scowled, then tossed it aside. "HEF! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, FALSE GOD. BUT KNOW THIS: I WILL FIND A WAY WHERE GOD FAILED."

"I THINK NOT," said the diminutive floating skull, and in a flash she was gone.

Then a shadow fell across the platform. Twilight turned, slowly, to face what had arisen behind her.

The thing was as large as a planet—larger than most planets, and that was just its torso. Its lower portions disappeared into the blackness of space out of sight of Twilight's position on her platform. Looking up its great expanse of dull, moldy green skin - she thought it was skin, though it looked more like leather - Twilight saw a massive of tentacles, drooping from a furrowed, malevolent countenance as large as a moon. Two yellow eyes that burned with the intensity of a thousand suns glared down upon her, the vast intellect behind them conceiving Twilight as nothing more than a speck of dust, a moth in the air, a bubble in the water. Twilight stared back with defiance in her heart, defiance for this being to whom the word 'defiance' meant nothing, for there was nothing that had every truly mustered the will to even think of defying it, much less actually stand in its way.

"IS THIS THE GREAT OLD ONE?" Mused Twilight as she stared up at the vast creature. "THE ONE WHO DOES NOT SLEEP BUT DOES ETERNAL LIE, OR WHATEVER? IS IT THE MASTER OF INSANITY AND FEAR, THE LORD OF CHAOS WITH AN ETERNAL HATRED FOR ALL MORTAL KIND…IS IT THE FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET?"

The abomination stared down at her with godlike indifference and raised a mighty hand the size of a moon. No creature could ever survive such a blow, Twilight knew, and there was nowhere for her to run stuck on the platform as she was. So Twilight watched as the mighty hand descended, and as she watched she revealed her mast-like erection, letting her enormous stallionhood stand proud in the face of death.

"BAH!" she yelled up into the face of the Dark God. "MY DEATH ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER."

But then, just as the gnarled hand of the mad god fell, an enormous shape erupted in the space between them, swatting aside the Final Boss of the Internet with its enormous spade like tail the size of a star. Yes, it was the giant space whale, and as Twilight watched in amazement the great beast, twice the size of the Final Boss of the Internet, pulled up beside her space platform. Its mighty blowhole inhaled the dust of eons, inhaled asteroids, black holes, and dead planets, and out from its blissfully smiling maw came new life. Twilight stepped atop the broad humpback of the Space Whale and galloped to its center, the journey across taking centuries to complete.

By the time the Final Boss of the Internet had regained its balance from almost falling over, in space, Twilight stood proud in the center of the massive whale's back. Up ahead the pony could see the ocean sized blowhole of the space whale.

The two Space Gods faced one another; the Final Boss of the Internet staring with molten golden eyes, the Great Space Whale placidly observing with liquid black pools the size of Uranus. The Sparkle held onto the anachronistically damp hide of the whale and prepared for the battle.

As the Final Boss of the Internet charged again, throwing a punch whose very gravitational pull destroyed Neptune and Saturn out of orbit, the Space Whale reared back and maneuvered with its tail, accidentally hitting mercury into the sun with its tail as it avoided the punch. The mad god's fist sunk deep into the sun itself with an audible plop, in space, and when it pulled the wound free the sun itself imploded its orange juice colored gaseous contents spurting from the rupture like the contents of an enormous orange zit. As the dark god recovered its balance the Space Whale retaliated, charging forwards and swatting the Earth aside as if it were a fly. It opened its great maw (scooping up the moon by accident) and sunk its teeth into the side of the monster. Twilight's footing barely held and she struggled to keep her balance as the whale tore, ripping an enormous chunk out of the Final Boss of the Internet and sending it reeling into the blackness on a trail of brown blood to be sucked into a black hole, causing the black hole to double into infinite size and destroy the entire galaxy.

When the dust settled Twilight found herself still atop the Space Whale, drifting in an endless void. The Final Boss of the Internet was nowhere to be seen.

"Twilight," came the telepathic mind voice of the Space Whale. "In my endless drifting from galaxy to galaxy, from dimension to dimension, from reality to unreality, I passed by and saw your dire plight within this mad creation known as the Labyrinth. Not even the infinite mind of the Space Whale can fail to take pity on such a mare as accursed as you; your plight falls in the same tragic, hardship ridden boat as that of poor Odysseus. I have come to free you from this torment."

"BAH." Twilight crossed her arms with the petulance of an asshole. "I THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS, SPACE WHALE, BUT A MARE DOES NOT DO. SHE IS."

"I'm not sure I follow," said the Space Whale.

"FEH. IN TRUTH I MAY NOT RETURN IN GOOD CONSCIENCE TO MY REALITY, WITHOUT FIRST BESTING THIS PLACE SO THAT NO POOR SOUL MUST EVER TREAD TWIXT IT AND REALITY AGAIN."

"But," ejaculated the Space Whale, "that great work has already been accomplished. What more is there to do—or rather, to is, in this place?"

"NAY, WISE OLD ONE," corrected Twilight, "FOR THERE YET REMAINS ONE LAST FINAL FIEND TO STAND AS THE PENULTIMATE ONLY CLIMATIC ENEMY THAT MUST BE DEFEATED SO THAT THIS TORRID DIMENSION MAY NEVER RETURN TO EXISTENCE."

"Ah," amended the Eminent Cetacean "I understand your plight, my little pony, but know that I am bound by the Law of Space not to interfere with the machinations of others unless they interfere directly with me, be they false equine gods or enormous sentient universal labyrinths."

Twilight knelt down, her massive erection wilted, and laid a hand on the whale's inconsistently moist skin. "I UNDERSTAND, OLDWISE ONE. THEN I MAY ASK NOTHING MORE OF YOU BUT, PERCHANCE, A BOON, TO HELP ME ON, MY WAY."

"Aye," concurred the Massive Mammal, "That you shall have, and that indeed. Bear my gift well for your final penultimate climactic the end confrontation, for I now bestow upon you a gift. Fare thee well."

Twilight closed her eyes as light enveloped her. "MY THANKS…GREAT SPACE WHALE." When she opened his eyes, she was wearing armor made out of double barreled shotguns and had a sword made from the dicks of her enemies and a shield made of a giant petrified beard. She also had a necklace with a row of tiger claws on it, one from every tiger she had ever killed, with every five meaning she had killed an extra tiger but wasn't counting it because hey, she wasn't in it for the bragging rights.

With another flash of light, Twilight returned to her friends for the final confrontation.

As the Mane 6 continued on unabated from the fight in the cafeteria, they were suddenly blinded by a bright glow that materialized itself into the shape of Twilight Sparkle. The unicorn stood proudly before her friends, her shotgun armor gleaming with an inner light in front of the tantalized mares. As she walked towards them, her shotgun armor fired off in all directions except her friends because friendly fire was turned off.

"Let's go girls. We're gonna end it once and for all."

After several minutes of walking through the darkened, empty corridors with nothing but the sound of shotgun shells being fired to accompany them, the group arrived in front of a surprisingly spartan steel door, which opened automatically at their arrival. The Mane 6 stayed alert, well in the knowledge that this could be a trap.

Suddenly, the massive steel door closed behind them with a loud bang. Mooning's laugh echoed across the dark room.

"Finally! The mighty Twilight of the Sparkle and her allies haveth arrived! I admit, I am surprised thou hast managed to defeat my minions on your way here, but it is all for naught! Soon, I will destroy you, and all of Equestria will bow before me!"

Twilight merely growled and raised her dick sword, ready to slay the foul beast. "Come at us then! Show your face, coward!"

All the ponies gasped. From the shadows emerged the unmistakable form of not only Mooning Nightmare, but also of Darth Vader, Voldemort, Sauron, Freddy Krueger and Pinhead. The evil hexinity grinned leecherously at the terrified ponies, who neitherless stood defiant in the face of the dark spawn.

"You think this will be enough to beat us?" Twilight laughed. "We're gonna love and tolerate the shit out of you, bitch! I challenge you to... A RAP BATTLE!"

(Music, bitches)

Lightning cracked overhead as Twilight grabbed a microphone, the other mares positioning themselves in a line behind her and started breakdancing as she sang the first part.

"I ain't gonna eat, I ain't gonna sleep
Ain't gonna breathe, til I see, what I wanna see
And what I wanna see, is you go to sleep, in the dirt
Permanently, you just being hurt, this ain't gonna work
For me, it just wouldn't be, sufficient enough
Cuz we, are just gonna be, enemies
As long as we breathe, I don't ever see, either of us
Coming to terms, where we can agree
There ain't gonna be, no reason, speakin wit me
You speak on my seed, then me, no speakin Englais
So we gonna beef, and keep on beefin, unless
You're gonna agree, to meet with me in the flesh
And settle this face to face, and you're gonna see
A demon unleashed in me, that you've never seen
And you're gonna see, this gangsta pee on himself
I see you D-12, and thanks, but me need no help
Me do this one all by my lonely, I don't need fifteen of my homies
When I see you, I'm seeing you, me and you only
We never met, but best believe you gon' know me
When I'm this close, to see you exposed as phony
Come on, bitch, show me, pick me up, throw me
Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me
You was gonna do, that's what I thought, you're pitiful
I'm rid of you, all you, Ja, you'll get it too!"

All of the ponies started singing now, their voices triggering several boomboxes that started falling out of the sky for no apparent reason. The Evil 6 had to cover their ears as the chorus assaulted them.

"Now go to sleep bitch!
Die, motherfucker, die! Ugh, time's up, bitch, close ya eyes
Go to sleep, bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? How many times I gotta tell ya, close ya eyes?
And go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Die motherfucker die, bye, bye, motherfucker, bye, bye!
Go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? Why, die motherfucker, ah, ah, ah...
...Go to sleep bitch!"

Mooning Nightmare recovered quickly from the verbal assault and grabbed her own microphone. She started rapping in retaliation as Vader, Voldy, Sauron, Freddy and Pinhead started freestyling to some sweet tunes.

"We got you niggaz, nervous
On purpose, to hurt your focus, you'se not MC's, you'se worthless
You'se not them G's, you'se a circus, you'se no appeal, please
You'se curtains, you use words, cool heard, slurred in two thousand third
You'se purpin, you'se no threat, who's ya servin?
We lyrically oughta bury you beneath the dirt when
You fuck with a label overseein the Earth
Shady muthafucka, O. Trice's birth
And as I mold, I become a curse
So we can put down the verse, take it to the turf
Cock and squeeze, and he who reach the hearse is he who
Depicts fiction in his verse
And as I breathe, and you be deceased
The world believe you deceived just to speak
You'se not the streets, you'se the desk
Use not your chest nigga, use a vest
Before two's choose ya rest, you chose death
Six feet deep, nigga, that's the depth"

This time, the Evil 6 also jammed through the chorus, attacking the mares with massive audio power. Walls shook and crumbled as they barely managed to hold on before it ended and everyone participated in the counterattack.

"Hey dog, I'ma walk like a beast, talk like the streets
I'ma stay blazin New York wit the heat
Stalk on the beat, walk wit my feet
Understand my pain, the rain ain't sweet
Peep how I'm moving, peep where I'm going
Shit don't seep, then sleep not knowin
But I'ma keep growing, getting larger than life
Easy-going with the same one that started the fight
He be knowing how dog get, when dog gone bite
Tried to show him the dog shit, it's dog for life
Grand champ, and my Blood Line is tight
Cuz it's all good, it's all right
Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back
Now they gots to swallow, everything in the sac
Blood Line, and, we can go track for track
Damn dog, why'd you have to do them niggas like that?"

A massive rainbow light erupted across the room. Multicoloured sparks flew everywhere as the Mane 6 ripped the final chorus with musical prowess. The Evil 6 clutched their heads in agony as the power o harmony invaded the room. A golden tiara materialized upon Twilight's head and her eyes glowed completely white from the power, while the others recieved necklaces and started floating around her. The rainbow grew in luminous intensity before a beam made of fuck and harmony and awesome shot out, headed straight for Mooning Nightmare and her evil compatriots. Darth Vader gasped in terror and reared back, raising his arms to the heavens.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

The harmonious powers collided into the dark servants, vaporising Mooning and the others and leaving behind the shape of princess Luna, who fell gracefully to the floor as the Harmony beam faded away.

As the ponies returned back to normal, they gaped in fascination at the panting form of the moon princess, who shakily stood up on all her hooves and smiled softly at her rescuers.

"Thank you, everypony, for saving me!"

The chamber was bathed in a gentle light, and princess Molestia descended from the heavens as angelic choirs sung in her appraisal. She landed besides her sister and draped a wing around her, tears of joy running down their faces at the happy reunion.

Suddenly, a black alicorn with red stripes descended from the skies too, and proudly puffed out his chest.

"'Tis I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, who has saved the day! As such, I deserve my reward from you ladie-"

He never finished his sentence as Molestia drop-kicked him into the ground, through the entire interior of the planet and into the sun. Then she laughed with a pleasant voice.

"Let's all put this in the past and have sex!"

And then they all fucked.

THE END

Titty sprinkles.