The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Poniverse
Chapter 1:We May be in the Wrong book
Twilight Sparkle was sitting at her dining table having, what she thought, was a wonderful breakfast. Spike ran through the doors and breathlessly said, "They're about to demolish Quills and Sofas!"
Twilight let out a small gasp, "But that's the only store where we can buy quills in all of Ponyville! Why didn't the owner notify us, I would have bought all the quills he had in stock."
"He didn't know, he and Doctor Whooves are laying out in front of the bulldozers now!"
"What? That can't be right." Twilight felt intrigued, a little sorry for the poor stallion, and as though it was her duty as the princess of friendship to figure out exactly what was going on.
To an outside observer it would be hard to understand why the Princess of Friendship would care at all about the demolitions of a small shop. Especially when the outside observer would probably see that Princess Twilight made frequent trips to the capitol city of Canterlot, a place that, as of last count, had twenty-one individual shop that specialized in selling quills. They could also see that there were an additional four hundred shops that simply sold quills. And so this outside observer would concluded that since Canterlot seemed to only be a short ways away that she simply wouldn't care at all about the local business. But that outside observer wouldn't see one thing, Twilight considered the owner her friend and that was all she apparently needed to abandon a perfectly good breakfast and run out of her castle and all the way to the Quills and Sofa's shop where Doctor Whooves was laying down on his back and talking to Davenport.
She walked up to the pair of stallions when Davenport noticed her and said, "Good! Princess you’re here! Perhaps you can talk some sense into him. He won't go drinking with me!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" Twilight asked ignoring the Davenport's ramblings.
"Well yesterday morning I got a letter from the mayor’s office. It said that Davenports shop and my home, just behind it, were to be demolished to make way for a new road that was to make it easier to get to the main town square. Then when I went down to town hall to see the plans and complain they told me that the plans were in the works for months and it was too late to change them and I was expected to just go along with it."
"That's horrible!" Twilight said, "Well certainly..."
"Never mind that!" Davenport interrupted. "We really need to go for drinks!"
"Davenport! Don't interrupt the princess." Whooves scolded.
"It doesn't matter! We need to go get some cider in you." Davenport said with such urgency that Davenport almost agreed to go with him.
"I can't leave Davenport, they'll demolish both our houses!”
Davenport rolled his eyes, “It doesn’t matter, there just houses.”
“It matters to me” Whooves said defensively.
“We just need to get some cider into you and you’ll be fine.”
Princess Twilight, who the two stallions (and the author) had forgotten was even there, spoke up, "I can help".
Whooves jumped at the declaration and Davenport saw an out, "Great! A good old fashioned Deus Ex Machina. That would be delightful. Order him to get up and have a drink with me."
"That's not what I meant." Twilight said turning to the work force of earth ponies. "Stop." She commanded, "I want to investigate this matter."
Every signal worker groaned. The one that seemed to be in charge stepped forward. "With all due respect your Highness a royal inquiry isn't necessary. He was notified beforehoof and these plans have been in the works for months."
"I received the letter yesterday!" Whooves shouted so he could be heard by the leader of the constriction ponies.
"We are wasting time." Davenport said disappointed with the princess’s decision to save a doomed house and shop. Then it happened, above them all hung a yellow cube that seemed to simply refuse to obey gravity's laws. Then a weird thing seemed to happen as voices seemed to come from the windows of every house. The voice was craggily and might have been what a particularly ugly toad might sound like. It said, "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I'm told you can hear me. Anywise, we are here to perform the deconstruction of your planet to make way for an inter-space bypass. This announcement is the final call for any who wish to evacuate..." The pause lasted for all of three seconds, "We are seeing no sign of any of you leaving..." At this point some cleaver unicorn seemed to have figured a way to communicate with whatever was about to deconstruct the planet. "I don't care if you keep your slaves here. You had plenty of time to move them... What do you mean 'this is the first you've heard of the plans' they've been in your local Star-Quarter for the last fifty years... It's not our fault you've never been there. You should take a more active role in your local government... Well you’re a bigger one... Oh, in that case, you’re a royal one!" There was a clicking sound followed by some grumbling, "Condemned thing..." There was another click.
Then Davenport felt a buzz from his satchel and dug into it. After pulling out his towel and moving past the 'book' that had in large friendly letters, "Don't Panic" he found it his Electronic Hoof. A device that used the sub-ether net to allow him to flag down passing ships. Then it began to flash, "We're out of time." He said as he threw himself towards Whooves. However he forgot that Twilight was in between Whooves and himself and so the two of them disappeared from sight.
Whooves, blinked twice. The leader of the construction crew, blinked twice. Applejack, who had seen Twilight and was coming over to see what was going on, blinked twice. A seemingly normal newt, blinked once, then bellowed in rage that her target had just teleported away. To everypony else it sounded like a low squeak. This squeak alerted a nearby crow to the newt’s presence and the crow promptly killed and ate it. This would be the last meal ever had on the planet as just as soon as the crow swallowed its meal the planet was evaporated.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Poniverse
Twilight Sparkle felt herself fall through the dark and land hard. There was a scuffling behind her, "Is anypony there?" She asked.
"Whooves, you sure sound like a mare." Davenports voice echoed in the dark.
"That's because I am a mare." Twilight said. She tried to stand up but found herself unable to move the majority of her body.
"Whooves! You've been hiding this from me for all this time? The mind wanders."
"I'm not Whooves." Twilight said with just a hint of panic and annoyance in her voice as she tried to move her body, "It's me, Twilight. Why can't I move?!"
Davenport heard the urgency in her voice and said, "Relax princess, you should get feeling back soon. Why did you think I wanted to get a few mugs of cider into Whooves? So this wouldn't happen." There was a pause as Davenport thought for a moment, "How'd you get here?"
"I don't know. Last thing I remember was that you threw yourself onto me and..."
"I threw myself onto you! I was aiming for Whooves! Now how am I going to repay my debt?" Davenport interrupted.
Twilight Sparkle wanted to ask about the debt, however there was a more pressing concern on her mind, "Davenport, where are we."
"The pogon deconstruction fleet's command ship." Davenport said rummaging through his bag. "Now hold still." He said pulling out a small jar, "I'm just going to put this fish in your ear."
"You’re going to do what?!"
"It's just a babel fish" Davenport assured her. As he got closer and closer with the fish she tried harder and harder to move. But she couldn't, and as he pressed the jar to her ear she could feel the slimy fish swim its way into her ear.
"There we go" Davenport said smiling.
The babel fish is one of the ponyverse's weirdest little creatures. This is, as an oh so wonderful book which has yet to be brought up properly in this story describes, because of two reasons. The first reason is because of its inert psychic magic it can translate any language that it encounters so long as it is lodged in one's ear canal. The second reason is because it isn't actually from the poniverse, this fact is supported by biologist, physicist, and the great mages alike. This in itself, is incredibly impressive as it is one of the few things that the scientific community and magical community can agree on.
Due to all of this many have used the babel fish to disprove multiverse theory. The argument goes as such. The poniverse decides to split when a decision is made. "Oh no." Says pony kind, "If you did that then certainly the babel fish, not being a creation of this poniverse, would not be able to split with you and so the mere presence of the babel fish in the poniverse proves that we are not splitting off into multiple realities. This particular line of thinking often falls flat however when a pony realizes that the babel fish comes from another universe itself. But that rarely happens.
Twilight's face was one of disgust with him as the feeling in her left hind leg began to return.
Elsewhere on the ship the leader of the pogons, Prostetnic Pogon Jeltz was grumbling to himself, "Stupid annoying royal..." he did say more however the he was interrupted by one of the shiny red lights on one of his interfaces. This particular red light made him smile, it was the light that meant that hitchhikers were on his ship. He so loved it when the Dentrassis, there chiefs, allowed hitchhikers on his ship just so he could have some fun.
The section titled Pogons in that wholly spectacular book that has still yet to be properly introduced into the story says, "Don't bother with them, just don't." This book would have more to say about the pogons as a race. However due to several thousand law suits from the pogons the publishing corporation of this stupendous book, Megadodo Publications, has decided that it would be better just to fallow the books advice and stop bothering with them.
Prostetnic Pogon Jeltz Reached over for the microphone.
Twilight was now fully able to move her left hind leg, right wing, and front right hoof. Davenport was talking with a yellow bug eyed creature who was looking at her with what was either intrigue or disgust. She really couldn't tell.
Davenport smiled, nodded, and walked over to Twilight, "How would you like a skolt?" He asked.
"What's a skolt?" Twilight asked.
"It's like a sandwich, except instead of bread they use... Never mind it doesn't matter. Do you want one?"
Twilight was about to respond when there was a clicking and a voice that, thanks to the especially crisp quality of the speakers, now sounded like what a particularly ugly deep sea fish, "Ha. You thought you could hide! Did you?!" if it wasn't for the particularly disgusting nature of the voice then Twilight would have been able to hear the joy in it. Davenport, promptly, began to run, only to be stopped not ten feet later by a pogon.
This was the first time that any pony from Equus had ever seen a pogon and Twilight Sparkle wanted this to be the last time. The pogon had the body of a slimy, wrinkled, green slug. It had four legs which appeared to be reversed, where as its forelegs looked like hind legs and its hind were fore legs. It also had two thin arms with three digits each sticking out from just above its forelegs. Its head had a nose like a green bat with eyes that despite being similar to that of ponies were a particularly ugly and crusty.
It grabbed Davenports collar with an unbelievable grip for such a thin arm. He couldn't get away and before he knew it he and Twilight were strapped down onto a pord. The pord is an invention of the pogons that was designed to be particularly uncomfortable. This was accomplished by simply taking a small knife and causing as many sharp pointy bits as possible to face up words. Davenport was never more thankful for his vest. He could only feel sorry for Twilight.
The Prostetnic Pogon Jeltz stepped forward witch to the pogons was a grin, but to the 'ponies' looked more like a scowl. "Hello" he said pulling out a book and unwrapping the battered ribbon around it. "Would you like to hear some of my poetry?"
Twilight who still didn't have any feeling in her torso and could only move her limbs looked over to Davenport as if to ask "What's going on?"
Davenport looked back at Twilight as if to say, "Be afraid. Be very afraid."
Twilight in return looked back as if to say, "Why?"
Davenport was about to look back to answer her question when Prostetnic Pogon Jeltz coughed and looked at both of them as if to say, "Stop that and answer me or I'll do something really, really bad to you."
So Davenport did, "No... Thank you but we just came from a poetry slam and were all poeted out."
Twilight didn't know what he was talking about, but due to their earlier exchange she didn't contradict him.
The reason for Davenport's little lie was simple, pogons are notoriously bad poets. Despite this, seemingly, their entire race 'practices' the art. They have produced many horrible pieces but few can stand up to Greex the Wise-ish's Ballad to That Thing I Stepped in Yesterday, Shur the Probably Should be Forgotten's I Wish I Could Gweep Like You, and last, and defiantly the least, there's Tal the Least Ugly's Live Long in Sulfur. These three works are considered by every race, except the pogons, to be the three worst pieces of poetry to ever exist. These three pieces are so bad that they are legally considered torture within several galaxies.
The pogon had been staring at the two of them and finally said, "Too bad. I want to read my poetry to you too and I will." He said pulling open the book.
Davenport began to struggle like a Voltanian walkl rat trapped in the web of a Voltanian quessel spider. Twilight on the other hoof wasn't sure why he was so scared of this pogons poetry. She quickly found out as Jeltz began. "Oh sticky thing under the tablet..."
It is at this point that the author would like to spare you readers the true terror you would be forced to experience should the poem continue. Instead the author has decided to shift the focus to that alicornsend of a book The Hitchhikers Guide to the Poniverse.
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Poniverse is described most often as the best book that one could read if they wanted to travel the Poniverse for less than sixty bittles a SPR (Standard Planetary Rotation). The Guide (slang term for The Hitchhikers Guide to the Poniverse), has in some of those more liberal galaxies completely replaced the Encyclopedia Ponatica as its main source of knowledge. This is for three reasons, it is slightly cheaper, Queen Galactica prefers it, and written on its cover are, in large pink, pony friendly letters, "Don't Panic".
Davenport's and Twilight's faces were twisted and contorted in pain. Twilight was panting when Prostetnic Pogon Jeltz smiled and asked, "What did you think of my poem?" He gave the scowl again.
"I think it was okay" Twilight said as Davenport cringed, "but I think it could use some work"
With that Davenport's face dropped, "We're doomed."
"What? Wh..."
"I poorer my heart and soul into this work and you dare to say it needs work!" Jeltz bellowed. What Twilight didn't know was the Jeltz had actually poorer his heart and soul into a blender then once it had become a nice inky black liquid he had used it as the ink for all the poems in his little book. "Throw them out the airlock! I never want to see these pests again!" He commanded and some of the nearby pogons rolled the pords that the ponies were attached to over to a large room and threw them into it.
The pords shattered on impact but before Davenport could get to the door it shut hard, almost taking off his hoof. "Is this the air lock?" Twilight asked examining the room.
It was clear that she was blissfully unaware of what an airlock was. "Yes this is an airlock." Davenport's face lit up seeing a slightly ajar metal covering, "and this is an override panel, we have a way out of h..."
He didn't get to finish because at that moment he and Twilight were ejected into open space.