"Evening, thank you for joining us. Before we launch into pleasantries, I feel it best if we simply move to why you are here.
Back in 1956, one monarch of considerable power, who was escorted by an armed division of the royal guard at the time, happened upon an object of considerable worth. Tales were told of how warriors fought to gain its favour in an all out brawl. The potential devastation this item could have wrought on the world was subsided quickly and its location was hidden from the local colonists. Years upon years of time and research has gone into finding the whereabouts of this object, and thankfully, its all paid off.
Your mission, is to infiltrate one of the world's most dangerous locations known to all of ponykind. Once inside, we can direct you to the correct chamber whereby you will need to scale what obstacles you may find before you.
Remember, this is a sneaking mission, so don't raise the alert. If you are captured, we will deny any knowledge of you and all files of both you and this case will be stricken from our records.
Furthermore, we will be using code names to keep identities secret. I will be going by the name Colonel. For you, we decided that the best codename would be..."
• • •
The night was cold and calm. The wind was gentle. The sky was completely clear and the moon was off doing some important business elsewhere. In other words, if was perfectly dark and perfectly quiet.
A figure dressed in black overalls slithered towards the tall structure before him. It towered above him, swaying under the slow caress of the wind. It seemed to be enjoying it, just like most trees do. Let's face it. Trees are sluts.
The sound of plodding hooves drew closer. The clink of metal with each step told the figure that these approaching hooves belonged to guards.
Discord darted behind a nearby bush. He enjoyed the experience as it was the first bush he had been in for some time. The guards however, did not hear him and merely walked on by.
Once out of earshot, Discord leaped forward, refrained from screaming "DAMACIA!" And put the giant sword in his hands down. Encroaching on the door, he gave the handle a jiggle. Locked. Searching around the door, he discovered a numberedpad. The word LOCKED, umblazened across it's tiny screen.
"1111... Incorrect. 2222... Apparently not. 3333..."
After many tries, Discord ran out of ideas as to what the passcode could be.
"9999... No. Well I'm out of ideas as stated before." He kicked a rock out of frustration. As it rolled away, something gold caught his eye.
Discord bent down and picked the key up. Grabbing the lock, he pulled it to one side, revealing a small key hole. Giving the key it a twist, Discord's heart sank a little. The door didn't move.
Not to be discouraged, Discord tried putting the key in the lock first. Giving it a twist this time, he cheered as the door swung open, revealing... Another door. Another lock. LOCKED yet again emblazoned across it's top.
Pulling out a pen, he scribbled the letters U and N in front of the word before him. The door unlocked.
Discord peered through the second door. A third door.
Sighing, Discord reached into his pocket and withdrew two halves of an apple. Bringing them together, he created a whole. Placing the ~~w~~hole on the door, he then climbed through, coming face to face with... A fourth door.
Taking a bag of sherbet and a branded fizzy drink (depends on who wants to pay me), Discord cracked open the can and took a swig.
"Smooth," he said to himself (again, whoever wants to pay me). Combining the sherbet and drink together, Discord placed the volatile concoction by the door and retreated.
The resulting BOOM shook the house in a cloud of purple bubbles. Discord emerged from a separate bush, upsetting the first bush, and approached the carnage before him. A fifth door.
"Oh to hell with this."
Discord walked over to a nearby window, opened it and climbed right in.
• • •
The room before him was darker than outside. Although some of the lighter darkness poured in through the open windows, it did nothing to discourage the rest of the rooms pure inky blackness. Discord took a knee.
"Colonel, I've made it inside."
"Well done Snake, you know what to-"
"Can you not call me that? I may be part reptilian but there is no need to resort to specious stereotyping. I could nickname you Sunburn if you like?"
"No need for name calling. Anyway, you were the one who wanted to wear an eyepatch." Came the retort.
Discord withdrew a little. "I thought it made me look cooler."
"Not important, go get the artifact." The Colonel cut the call short leaving Discord in complete silence.
Rising up, Discord gave the knee back.
• • •
Discord crawled halfway across the room before realising he could fly. Noticing the stairs, he took them down into the basement. It was noticably lighter, a single shaft of light penetrated down through the ceiling and landed, curtaining a safe at the far end.
"Careful Snake, this room may be booby trapped."
"Got it." Discord croaked.
Discord took slow, deliberate steps forward.
Squeak, squeak, squeak.
"What are you doing?" The Colonel cried. Discord stopped.
"Colonel? What's wrong?"
"You're making too much noise! Are you at the safe yet?"
"Nope, I have to kill a few more mice yet."
Squeak, squeak, squeak.
Discord reached out and placed a paw on the safe's door.
Large, silver, cuboidal in shape (if Shakespeare can invent words then so can I), the safe sat quietly in wait. Its large heavy door had no keyhole, no bolts, no egg timer dial. It was merely adorned with a large handle and a small wordpad.
Disregarding the panel, Discord pulled the handle down. Then word panel span revealing three cherries before a flurry of gold coins poured out.
"I may need a few paragraphs to figure this one out."
"WHY NOT TALK TO ME THEN!!!" A cheery voice called out. "You haven't asked me about dieting or what things you can eat along the way."
"Who is this?"
"Call me the Pie-ramedic. Like paramedic but with more pun."
"Is that the only reason why you are on the team?"
".........yeah, pretty much."
"Screw this, we're skipping ahead."
• • •
He couldn't believe it. The safe was open. Open! Grasping at the tiny crack in the door, he gave it a pull. The door swung out wide. Discord peered inside. Documents, necronomicon, a perpetual motion machine, plans for global domination, gold bars, jewels, a couple of suggestive pictures of the princesses that would make statues raise an eyebrow, among other things, but no artifact. No weapon. Nothing.
"Colonel! We have a problem!"
"What is it Snake?"
"Its not here. I can't see it."
"What are you looking for?"
"Mr Smartypants." Discord called. He paused. That didn't sound like the Colonel.
He span around and came face to face with... Twilight. Discord felt himself swear a little. Busted.
"Er... Hi Discord. What are you doing in here at this time of night?"
"I, um, took a wrong turn at Albuquerque?" Pulling out a map and pith helmet. Twilight gave him a long sceptical look. Discord started sweating buckets. He tried to hold her gaze even as each one clattered to the floor.
"Not gonna talk, eh? Well you might as well stay. I have ways of making you talk."
"Go ahead. The only interrogation technique that ever worked on me was the Grasshopper."
"What's a Grasshopper?"
"One part Gin, one part rum..."
• • •
Eight grasshoppers later, Discord had already let slip his middle name was Janine, he once married a chest of draws and that he has a major crush on Queen Chrysalis.
"Its the holes man. I-mean, sure she can be a, *burp*, s'cuse me, bitch sometimes but come on! With that many minions and being alive for that long, she must have done it all." Discord slurred as he swung he arms around. Forgetting the drink in his hand, the alcohol flying all over one of the walls.
"Haven't you tried *Hick* striking a conversation with her? She's not that unopposed to villainy. Just misunderstood if you ask me." Twilight's response was muffled by the table she rested her head on.
"Course not. Look at me. I'm a mess! I haven't shaved in over a thousand years. Don't even get me started on how long it has been since I last went out with a girl. Blue balls like a smurf."
Twilight laughed, snorting a little in the process. "What, are they the same size too?"
"Dunno, I've never seen a smurfs testicles before."
"S-so, so what was this whole... Espionage mission... thing, about exactly?"
"I'm afraid I am bound by contract not to tell you. We were all given code names and everything."
"What were you called?"
Discord took a huge gulp of the last of his drink. Holding it in his palm, he smashed it to his head like a tin can before throwing it into the corner with the rest of the crushed glasses.
"Snake." He spat.
There was a pause.
"That's just insensitive."
"I know. Still, i can't tell you anything. If you can work out who hired me then you can talk to them."
"Hired you. Should be easy enough."
"I dunno, he's pretty good at keeping his identity secret." He called to the earpiece on the table.
"Isn't that right?"
"Eeyep."
"Big Mac?"
Discord's facepalmed so hard, he knocked himself off the chair.
"OK, fine. I wanted Smartypants back."
"Sorry Mackie. I'm afraid he 's mine."
Big Mac audibly sighed.
"I can buy you a different one though."
"Does this mean I can go then?"
Twilight staggered to her feet. She guided herself around the table to help Discord where they then both wandered aimlessly towards the front door. She opened it without any trouble.
Discord scrunched his eyes up.
"Hey, I have a question. Why was your house so difficult to get into? All the front doors, the safe not working and you waking up to catch me in the act. How and why?"
Twilight cocked her head and smiled an over the top grin that you would only find on what Twilight would call: the sufficiently inebriated.
"I didn't do anything. You seem to make everything go all... Wierd." She waved her hoof about for emphasis. "As for me waking up? You have less subtlety than the herd richt."
Discord laughed and waved Twilight goodbye before falling into the first bush again, singing loud, long forgotten songs.
Twilight returned inside, a soft smile still touching her face. She'd often forgotten why she liked Discord and nights like this helped here remember why. Closing the door, struggling down to the basement, she approached the open safe.
Opening the plans for domination, she read over the first few lines.
GET SMARTYPANTS INTO CANTERLOT.
REAPPLY SPELL
WATCH ALL PERISH
BECOME THE ONE TRUE QUEEN
Twilight giggled. Her laugh grew into a loud, high cackle. She was so close. And no one could stop her. And then, she paused.
"Where the hell are my pictures?" She spluttered.
• • •
Discord withdrew the pictures from his pocket. Just wait until Sombra hears about this.
Author's Note
I hope my insanity has done me well 
If you have any qualms with my story then I will be happy to direct you to the relevant authorities.