A Game of Screwball

by Jongoji245

Rating: everyone
Tags: Screwball, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 4208

Through out his life, Cosgrove has always outwitted Screwball by games of chance.

Almost two millennium after she was created, Screwball has always caused trouble in her father's place. However, she has no recognition by anypony, everyone except Cosgrove.

Throughout his life, Cosgrove has somehow managed to answer all of Screwball's riddles and completed her challenges. Now recovering from the Brobdingnag fiasco, can he manage to outwit her again?

Takes Place After Ballad of the Brobdingnag in the Old Timeline, but told throughout seasons 2 through 4.

* However, with a few details altered, most of the chapters here can occur in the New Timeline.

Published 2015-09-26 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-26 23:30:02 UTC

The Only Chapter

One thousand years before today

All of Equestria is in a massive disarray. The floor is unevenly colored. The buildings are afloat. Buffalo dancing in tutus. Herds of long legged rabbits roam the chaotic plains. A river of slippery soap trailed part of the plains. And lining the skies that went from day to night and back again in a flash are pink cotton candy clouds that rain chocolate milk.

On the top of a checkered hill, sitting on a crimson chair was a most unusual being. His body was most certainly serpentine, but his anatomy was such a hodgepodge. His head had an antler and a goat horn and only one tusk on the left side of the mouth, his left arm was consistent with his torso if it wasn’t for the eagle claw while his right arm looked like a lions limb, his left leg was cow like while his right leg was reptilian in nature as was his scaly tail. All this was the form of a deceitful pony known by one name: Discord.

This was his territory that he made with a snap of the fingers. Discord could make everything he desired. He could have all the riches of the world. All the ponies that lived in the area fled, only to find that their safe haven would be turned chaotic as well. Nothing was safe from the draconequus.

But for all this, Discord felt rather lonely. Nopony was willing to share the chaos with him. He would occasionally make duplicates of himself, but that was just as much as talking to a mirror… which he does often. In the recesses of his chaotic mind however, another being started to gain consciousness. One chaotic day, Discord’s nose was literally stuffed up, it was larger than his head. It took hundreds of tissue paper, but when it did happen, a creature came out of him. This being looked exactly like a filly, the sole difference being the eyes. Rather than a regular eye balls, her eyes were purple with pink swirls. And also, the pony actually approved of the chaos around her.

“There is one thing missing...” the draconequus thought long and hard until he smiled and snapped his fingers. Immediately a propellor hat was donned on the fillies head.

“That’s better!” Discord donned a nanny dress as he cradled the little filly. “Now… Let me teach all about chaos, my little Screwball…”

Out in the field, Discord taught Screwball the fundamentals of chaos. While not having fingers, Screwball made up for this by clapping her hooves together. While nowhere as powerful as her creator, Screwball was still a force to be reckoned with. She would cause chaos to children’s birthday parties, swap a ponies species and gender, and even wipe out populations. When she is not practicing her skills, Screwball floats around while dribbling her lips with her hoof, which nonetheless signals other ponies to flee.

Screwball and Discord were having a ball with reshaping the world around them at everypony’s expense. But alas, joy cannot live forever. Screwball began to notice that her world was losing chaos. She came over to the spot where her creator’s chair is, only to spy two Alicorns standing in front of a statue of Discord, posed as if singing in a shower. The two ponies lifted the statue with their magic and flew away.

The chaos pony became torn. The one thing that she would have called father is gone to her. and not being as powerful as Discord is she couldn’t protect what was left of her paradise. She went into seclusion, eventually living in a cave.

...

Eight years, three months before today

While hardly any chaos was going on around Equestria, Screwball, now much more sapient, was certainly making her marks. Many strange stories throughout the last millennia were spoken of a bogey mare that would attack foals when they were acting naughty prior to going to bed. These stories are in vain; Even though the foals went to sleep, Screwball would still scare the bejeebies out of them.

Screwball’s power was certainly improving. She didn’t want her lessons go to waste. She has caused earthquakes and volcanic eruptions that weren’t scheduled. And what is best that nopony could trace the actual perpetrator. This and fear of the unknown would have caused constant warfare had it not been for Princess Celestia’s intervention.

But the past millennia has brought forth new and improved markets. Among a more recent one being the Barn and Bayley Circus. While no chaos was there, Screwball did enjoy going to the circus. Being a spirit of chaos, she would usually confine herself to viewing from the top of the tent. Tempted as she would, nothing would help to ruin the show.

One visit, Screwball wanted to snoop around the performer’s tents. She would poke around pony’s drawers and even find the secrets to the tricks done by magicians. When she visited the tent of famed acrobat Night Dancer, she found a most certain oddity. It was a colt that had purple stripes and additional dewclaws on each primary hoof. Even though young enough to still only have eye color, the colt was very brave. He approached her up close enough to attempt reaching out to her.

“Brave little baby,” - Screwball grabbed the rubber ball the foal was playing recently - “but certainly not smart.

The baby began to whimper.

"Oh oh, don't cry!" Screwball thought hard until a light bulb popped in out of her head.

"Hey How about a game,” Screwball challenged. “You say your first word and I’ll give back your ball.”

A challenge easier proposed than done. Since the foal couldn’t speak, the game quickly became boring. “You know I can keep this ball anyway. Why would a foal like you deserve such a thing anyhow?” She stated.

Screwball continued talking to the foal as he began speaking baby garble. “Buh...Buh…Ball…” the colt finally answered. Screwball looked at the colt, gave a shrug, and dropped the ball. ”So what, it is not like you to develop a full sentence anytime soon.” Screwball remarked as she pinched his cheeks. “Call it a lucky break.” When she disappeared, the acrobat mare returned to the tent. The child again spoke out “ball” as she lifted him up as she hopped onto her bed.

Screwball spied from an opening in the canopy. As the mare embraced the three toed colt, Screwball started to feel stuffy. The only other time she saw such care in the world was when Discord was still among the moving. She rubbed her nose and started to float away as the light became extinguished.

...

Six years, two months before today

Screwball’s power has improved very little since her encounter with the foal. But she has expanded her chaos to beyond playing the bogeypony. She also played the role of the leprechaun, causing common pursuits in an effort to find the so called pot of gold. Her biggest caper was playing Santa Hooves in an effort to replace all the toys the good children have with fruit cakes.

Taking a break from holiday capers, Screwball again took a visit to the circus. She did notice a slight degredation in quality compared to the last two years, but other than that, the circus was still in good condition. Screwball continued to float around when she spotted a group of foals running away from what appeared to be a lion cub. Getting a closer look she found that the lion cub was actually a colt in a lion suit. Once he tired, he immediately started his little trip back to his tent.

Screwball immediately recognized the color of the tent and thus that is the same three toed colt she met two years ago. Slightly taller, his eyes now having pupils, the colt started taking off his costume when he noticed a shadow.

“I’m sorry, Night Dancer said no outside vi-” the colt turned around to find the swirl-eyed filly. He gave a very thorough look at her.

“Oh don’t look so smart.” answered Screwball. “You were only a baby when we played that game.” The colt was merely dumbfounded by such a statement. Of course, nopony would have remembered that far early in their life. Screwball gave a smug look. “Of course we haven’t given proper introductions.” She stated.

The colt scratched the ground. Aside from the more famous performers such as Night Dancer, the circus folk had a “only in death do you get noticed” form of habit. He took a deep breath. “I’m Cosgrove.” he stated as he extended his right foreleg. Cosgrove was expecting a response, so he shook his forelimb before lowering it while still having an awkward smile. “You are still a little thick headed, my multi-toed friend.” Screwball answered. “This isn’t a conversation: it’s a game… you have to guess my name.”

Cosgrove looked around awkwardly for clues. He leaned his neck to the left then straightened out.

“Is it… Screwball?” Cosgrove guessed. The chaos pony then sprang up.

“How did you…?!” “Night Dancer said you can guess a pony’s name by their cutie mark.” Cosgrove answered to a blustered Screwball, who looked back and found a screw and a baseball on her left and right flank. “What is a cutie mark?” Screwball questioned.

“Its a mark that represents your special talent.” the colt answered. “From the looks of it you are very good at playing baseball.”

“Then what is your mark? A clown costume?” Screwball asked.

Cosgrove shook his head before saying, “I don’t have a cutie mark.” He began walking around to behind a rack of clothes.

“Which confuses me,” he quickly got tossed the lion costume , “I would have been certain that changing costumes would be my special talent.” As he finished his quote, Cosgrove quickly changed from a lion costume to a pirate costume. However, he saw that the pink filly was gone. Cosgrove laid his tummy down on the floor and held his head up with his left hoof. “I should really stop talking to myself.”

...

Two Years before today.

Despite having improved powers, Screwball was rather bored. She didn’t want to just create natural disasters or perform holiday capers, she wanted to have the paradise she lived in one thousand years ago. She floated around aimlessly, disguising her presence within a mass of clouds. This had consequences when the pegasi pushed the cloud she was in to make a larger raincloud.

One day, when floating above Sweet Apple Acres, Screwball noticed something off. Her cloud started to become pink and delicious and felt chocolate condensing on her skin. She popped out of the cloud and saw that the corn stalks fly out and exploded, releasing popcorn. As she floated higher she bumped into somepony. After she turned around, Screwball’s face gave a very massive smile.

A few “normal” hours later, Ponyville returned to being the paradise she had so craved for a millennia. What is best was that Screwball and Discord actually had time to catch up on lost time.

“And with the Elements of Harmony turned against each other, Equestria will be our oyster!” Discord haughtily laughed just when Screwball gave him an embrace. “Now float along and have fun. Remember… Double D loves you!” He added. Screwball was actually happy that her creator actually called her as his daughter.

Screwball floated along, dribbling her lips. She floated past a grayish purple unicorn with a crown on her head. She turned around, stared at the unicorn, before sarcastically shaking her head and floating along. Inattentively, she floated past Cosgrove. Now much taller and older, but still small enough to be called a foal. Aside from leg hair extensions, Cosgrove wore no costume. Immediately she returned to the colt.

“Ah my number one colt. How is the circus industry working for you?” Screwball asked.

Cosgrove didn’t say anything but continued looking at the ground.

"Speaking of which," - Screwball looked around, “Where is the circus anyway? I’m sure Daddy Discord would have loved to see it.”

Cosgrove continued to say nothing.

“You know it is quite rude to-”

“Why bother," - Cosgrove interuppted - "I would be just talking to a figment of my imagination.”

The chaos pony then looked up and started rubbing her hooves together with a smile. Cosgrove still believes her to be an imaginary friend. She decided to fully reveal herself as a real being by performing a trick Discord did to the Elements of Harmony.

“Oh I am very much real.” She stated as she placed her hoof onto Cosgrove’s furry head. His color wasn’t changing into a greyish yellow and purple. She immediately starting tapping his head harder.

“What are you trying to do?!” Cosgrove sprang up in irritation.

“Huh, I guess I am not that powerful yet…” Screwball answered. “But you must admit you felt that, right?” Screwball saw that Cosgrove was walking away from her.

“Aw come on, you be angry all the time.” Screwball commented while walking backwards upside down.

Cosgrove then increased his pace ahead of her.

“You know, how about we pay a game," - Screwball asked as she floated in an orbit around him - "Games always make me happy.”

“Okay, I’ll play your game." Cosgrove stopped in his tracks "But I’m adding a stake to this.”

Screwball gave a slight smug look. Nopony had given a challenge to her.

“If I win, you must find me a home to live in this backwater world.” Cosgrove stated.

“And if I win… " Screwball's lips curved upwards before twisting her body - "You have to do something for me…”

The two pounded their hooves together.

“What is your game?” Cosgrove asked.

“When I am born, I am lonesome. But after I pass through a gate to the park, I am joined by six others and walk together as a team. Who am I?”

Throughout the next half hour, Cosgrove walked around in a circle, trying to figure out an answer. Screwball merely floated above him, her eyes closed with a smile on her face. Suddenly the ground began to shake. Screwball awoke to a massive stream of colors streaking across the sky as they touched the ground.

“A rainbow!” - Cosgrove caught her attention - “It’s a rainbow isn’t it?”

A dome started to form around the chaotic Ponyville. Screwball started to fly away as fast as she could.

“Hey! What about our-” The dome closed around him and emitted a bright light. When he opened his eyes, Ponyville was returned to a normal state. Cosgrove gave a huff and continued walking.

“If you continue walking to your right you’ll find your home.” a voice whispered.

Cosgrove did as the voice told him and found a disarrayed house next to the Everfree Forest.

With a sigh, “A home is a home…” Cosgrove then walked inside.

...

One year before today.

Screwball again fell into a depressed state. Discord was again turned to stone, this time in a more frightened pose. She had lost the paradise she loved once again. But at least she was still in one piece.

Much to her joy, she didn’t have to wait another millennia. Screwball spied Celestia escorting the statue to the Mane Six. When he was released again, Screwball gave a very ecstatic smile. Mandating caution, she continued to spy on the group during dinner. She was thrown off a bit on how Discord was actually sucking up to them, and even worse when he mentioned the only other somepony who cared for him as a friend. Nonetheless, happy to know that Discord is here to stay, Screwball teleported to another area.

Cosgrove was just walking out from his first day in school. He walked along a dirt road to his now refurbished home. As he closed the door, Screwball appeared before him.

“You know, we do need to stop meeting each other randomly.” he added. Screwball floated around him and admired the work done to the house.

“How were you able to afford all this anyway?” She asked of him.

“I sell costumes.” Cosgrove walked to his room.

“Isn’t there a unicorn that already sells clothes? Oh what was her name…?” Screwball tapped a hoof on her chin.

“Rarity sells dresses, I sell costumes. There is a large difference.”

“Really, how-” Screwball turned to a face like that of a Yautja when it screamed. Screwball cowered under a chair when the mask was flopped in front of her.

“Now you know.” Cosgrove peaked under the chair before lifting up the mask - “So, what game do you wanna play this time?”

“How about… Truth or Dare…?” Screwball noticed her guest's nod of approval. “I will ask the Dare… I dare you to balance your head on a ball while rubbing your tubby with you tail.” Once Screwball turned around, Cosgrove was already in the daring position. Immediately she face hoofed herself for forgetting that he came from the circus.

“I guess that is another round won for you.” Screwball began floating upwards

“Wait,” - Cosgrove walked towards her -“I want to ask a truth… Will I have friends in this life I am taking?”

Screwball thought for a while, then answered, “You’ll find out… and I’ll be watching. And if you’re lucky I may even drop by.” Screwball poofed away from Cosgrove’s house.

Throughout the year, Screwball kept her promise and visited Cosgrove far more often than just coincidence. Cosgrove found out signs that would signal her presence such as a cotton candy cloud. She would play games that require a great deal of smarts to win. To her growing irritation, Cosgrove would always win. Discord would spy on Screwball as well as she planned her next move. Little did she knew that Discord had plans for her. Eventually, he grew accustomed to the predictions of her arrival and actually became bored with her presence. In the last month of the year, Screwball hadn’t made one appearance.

Why was she here? Of all the ponies, why me? Cosgrove thought to himself as he walked out of his house on a fine winter evening.

...

Today

It is a regular spring day at school. The foals were writing down their notes with the exceptions being Button Mash, who was playing his Neighntendo 3DS and Cosgrove who was drawing up his next costume. There was no sign of any chaos, not since the Brobdingnag incident. Everything was going normally.

“Sweetie Belle, no pets are allowed in class!” Ms. Cheerilee walked up to the Crusader

Confused, Sweetie Belle responded, “But Ms. Cheerilee, I don’t have any pets.”

“Then what is that doing here?” the teacher said as she pointed to a hamster that happened to share Shady Daze’ color.

It later joined by other hamsters that share the same color scheme as Featherweight, Sweetie Bell, Pipsqueak and Button Mash.

“What in tarnation?” Applebloom answered before she too became a hamster.

Cosgrove was the only pony in class to not be a hamster. In fact, throughout the whole epidemic he held his head with his hoof. He looked up and saw Screwball once again in four months.

“Wonderful little things hamsters are.” -Screwball landed on top of the striped colt's head -“These would be such wonderful companions for Fluttershy, though I may save the red one for you.”

She passed the one that had Applebloom’s color onto Cosgrove’s desk.

“It has been quite a long while hasn’t it Cosgrove?"

He merely responded with an eye roll.

And I am so happy that you haven’t forgotten me.” She continued on as Cosgrove began to tense his facial muscles. “I wonder, what is it between you and that farm filly? It’s the headwear isn’t it? Well, mines bigger!”

“What will it take for you to be away from me for, oh I know, a long time?” Cosgrove stretched himself to have him nose to nose with Screwball.

Screwball, amazed at the final challenge, started to chuckle, gradually becoming a laugh.

“Here is the stake:" - Screwball wrapped her arm around him -"It merely involves my name. However, it is not you who has to say or write my name backwards. You have to make me say my name or write my full name. But..." Screwball zipped her mouth shut.

Cosgrove started to unpack his belongings to allow room for the hamsters.

Screwball struggled to unzip her lip before ripping it out, before asking, “What are you doing?” the chaos pony asked.

“You cancelled class and gave me much more free time to finish a costume.” he replied.

“So are you going to play my game?”

“...No.”

“You know they will remain as hamsters.”

Cosgrove continued to walk out of the class room, “Oh that won’t be problem when I talk to your dad.”

Suddenly, a massive leg dropped down in front of him.

“You wouldn’t dare?!” The Voyager sized Screwball yelled.

“You wanna stop me, go ahead.” Cosgrove asked.

Screwball lifted her foot and attempted to squash Cosgrove. He of course dodged it and ran to the playground, where he could gain the most advantage.

He first came to the rotunda and attempted to hypnotize the chaos pony.

She merely chuckled, “Sorry, but my eyes are already in swirls.”

Grabbing the slide and swung it at Cosgrove, smashing the rotunda. Gradually, the playground became demolished. Cosgrove was able to blind Screwball when she slammed the slide onto the sand box. He quickly galloped over to the jungle gym and hunkered down. Screwball blindly slammed the slide again and again with little success. It was only when she rubbed her eyes that she found the hamster bagged colt. She tore up the jungle gym and grabbed Cosgrove.

“Oh, I win! I win!” Screwball started to float up into the air, screaming with laughter. “For once in your miserable life, you have finally known what it is like to lose!”

“Have I?” Cosgrove remarked.

Screwball looked down at the destruction she caused, and found that she spelt her name by accident. She then looked at Cosgrove who then gave a smirk. Screwball became furious. She lined up her hooves to anticipate a clap.

When she pounded them, Cosgrove awoke to being in the classroom. His classmates and teacher returned to being regular ponies. The lunch bell rang after a short while. With his lifetime foe defeated once again, he began to celebrate in a most casual of ways. Digging into his saddle bag, Cosgrove took out a turfwich and began to tear away at it.

Back at an unknown dimension, Screwball appeared on her bed and began to scream. She hopped up and down on her bed as a child would. Clapping her hooves she made a pile of stuffed animals appear, which she then threw aside. She grabbed one that looked like Cosgrove and tore it apart with her teeth. When Screwball turned around, she saw Discord in a maid dress.

“Oh Screwball, to be so angry on a very special day...” Discord crossed his arms.

“What… Special… Event…?” Screwball asked while catching her breath.

...

The following afternoon

Class resumed on schedule as if nothing had happened. Button Mash still played his handheld console while the other ponies weren’t looking. Cosgrove however, was drawing on his sketch pad. It wasn’t a costume this time. It was him and Screwball when they very first met. He gave a slight huff, and thought to himself,

“Maybe I was too hard on her…”

Just when the school bell rang, all of the students suddenly vanished. When they have appeared they were at what appears to be a massive birthday party. This was something much more grand than the compilative party Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich made for Rainbow Dash. The ground was consisted of chocolate bars and marshmallow, there were rubber slides underneath obstacle courses lining up against the walls, and there is a swimming pool next to the arcade.

The classmates were nonetheless confused, although Button Mash was giddy about the arcade machines. Suddenly Screwball appeared for the first time to the other foals. Her appearance started to frighten them and would have tried to run away had Cosgrove not walked up to her.

“Do not worry. She means no harm.” - When he saw his classmates confusion, he shouted, “Go, play! Have fun!”

Button Mash immediately ran to the arcade machine “Cow Pony’s of Moon Mesa” and started playing. The others slowly walked over to the other attractions.

“Don’t worry, I gave their families a note.” Screwball brought over cake and ice cream.

“About what I said-” Cosgrove was interrupted by a stretch of her hoof.

“No need to apologize…” Screwball said. “This is my way of showing no ill will to you.” Cosgrove looked around with a grimace. “Please don’t tell Pinkie…”

Cosgrove then patted her on the head.

“Call it a lucky break.” He said before wolfing down the slice of cake. After putting on a party hat, Cosgrove looked at the entrance to the obstacle course. “Wanna race?” Screwball then smiled and the two ran into the entrance and made their way into the tunnel.