Twilight Sparkle and Her Unwanted Love Life

Chapters

[Character Page] |Light Spoilers|
Friendship is Awkward |Part One|
Friendship is Awkard |Part Two|
Dawn Guard Saga |One Unfavorable Morning|
Dawn Guard Saga |Really Bad Exposition & Knuckles| (redux)
Dawn Guard Saga |Look into the Burning Sky|
Dawn Guard Saga |Between a Heart and Five Aces|

[Character Page] |Light Spoilers|

Author's Note

Character page is updated the series goes on, and I'll come back to it later. I'm uploading it now because even I was confused at my horrible attempt at comedic story telling, and I NEED this uploaded as soon as possible before I suddenly get disheartened at my quality.

There's bits of backstory, Rainbow Blitz's being the most detailed because it's so finely detailed, I might make a chapter around it. It's not spoilers because it's not going to be mentioned much, unless the characters are stuck focusing on the past. I just needed a way to stop being disliked because the Mane Six is 'out of character'

I'm also going to change the pace from a tongue in cheek story that doesn't take itself seriously to a harem revolving around serious problems that affects the mind and the body, while also keeping the comedic tone. Like lonliness, like affairs, stuff like that.

Contains spoilers, but they aren't BIG spoilers like OMFGGG!!! TWILIGHT DIED WTF WHY WOULD U SPOIL THAT???!?!!!! :fluttercry: :raritycry: :raritydespair:

Chill out, Rarity, I noticed some people getting confused at the characters and raging that they're out of character.

I realized that I'm moving way too slow in remaking the debut/prologue chapter, and I'll keep getting hated on First Impressions because of my fuck up on that chapter.

Let me say, that while writing this story is very fun as a parody, but, I can't bring myself to write in a different style like I did for Friendship is Awkward. It looks ugly. Parodies should be as good to read as the original source, but the original source will always be better because it's the original [quack]ing souce!

TL;DR: YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ Friendship is Awkward TO GET AN UNDERSTANDING OF ANY STORY WHAT-SO EVER.

This story is broken into sagas, some of them have an impact to the story, some of them true to the show, some of them are not. Remember when I said this is not official? Vengeful Spirit probably has an idea I'm doing this, but either he doesn't mind, or he's filing up a lawsuit to [squawk] me up the [oink] hole.

This is a tribute, a fanfiction of a fanfiction, a parody, a tongue in cheek story, but it's a very gritty story under the harem charm. Trust me, I'm going to earn that 'Dark' tag.

Now that this is almost completed, I need to remake Friendship is Awkward so it doesn't suck.

[Character Page] |Light Spoilers|

The Bookworm

When she's not being sarcastic, she's being awkward.

Twilight Sparkle and Cannon Twilight Sparkle highly contrast in character development, but her physical appearance only changes in a minor way. Twilight's right ear is mangled, chewed up seemingly, leaving it deaf and paralyzed. Although this has no effect on her personality, it has affected Twilight socially. Twilight Sparkle is aromantic, meaning she does not fall in love, although, she has a tendency to quickly be attached to an object or person. Rare cases, actually find herself affectionate around some ponies accidentally.

Twilight is highly literal and does not respond to sarcasm well, despite her usage of said sarcasm in her snarky remarks/thoughts. Twilight does not always retort, but only retorts to those who actually mean something. Why she responds to Rainbow Blitz's insults with nut-punches is unknown, probably for comedic relief but some people deserve a good ol' kick to the nuts.

Twilight does not respond to being flirted, for she has no reply to being hit on. She finds being courted shameful, not for her but for ones trying to court her, because the majority of them want nothing in regards of a relationship unless it involves intercourse and that's just gross. Twilight hates it when the stallions compete for her affection, mainly leaving them to duke it out for no reason.

Twilight chose to be alone in her youth, finding disdain and dislike for the ponies in her foal-hood leading up to age ten. She kept to herself and read, she read any thing she could get her hooves onto like phone-books to User Manuel to the Nintendon't 69. Because of her love for reading at such a young age, she became extremely knowledgeable in regards of literacy. Twilight also makes refrences to literacy occasionally, but will never understand Television Vision/TV Show/Movie references. Twilight Sparkle isn't a gamer, but she understands Gaming Pop Culture from magazines like GameController or The Escrapist.

Twilight Sparkle grew to be very anti-social before meeting Prince Solaris in her Final Exam in the Magic School for Gifted Unicorns, where she was tasked into hatching an chicken egg. An explosion of colors triggered a mental barrier to be released and Twilight's true potential shined, she causes the egg to hatch. Little did the ponies know, she accidentally hatched a Dragon Egg, later the very jerkass Barbra. The last unicorn to do such was Starswirl the Bearded. She became Solaris's apprentice shortly after.

Solaris is convinced she's internally hurting because of her ear, that she was shunned because of her ear. Twilight Sparkle tells Artemis that she simply does not like other ponies, sometimes for no reason. The Elements of Harmony are the only ponies Twilight has ever tolerated in her life.

Twilight is the Main Character and is usually accompanied by Barbra, her rude sidekick, or one of the Mane 6.

The Very Rude Companion

This dragon's sassy, she's judgmental, and almost eighteen in Pony Years but only seven in Dracon Years.

Barbra can be the worst female you can ever meet or the best friend you ever had, it all depends on how you make your first impression. Barbra is harsh at first, but when you learn that she's actually trying to connect with other ponies because she has no personality except to be an asshole. She's a defected dragon, due to the color of her egg she was thrown out and shunned by her dragon peers before being found by Butterscotch and donated to the castle because he had no room to store anymore chickens.

Barbra was hatched with a complication in her that keeps her from developing any heredity traits, literally making her a bland and uninteresting character. However, as she grew along with Twilight, they developed a very strong and unbreakable bond. Of course, she's sour doing chores, but she would rather be doing chores and live in a clean environment than be lazy and live in a dirty environment.

As Twilight Sparkle grew into her teenage years, the bond strains to hold a dragon pretending to be an asshole to avoid being nothing. Twilight Sparkle and Barbra will bicker and fight, almost rarely getting physical, but both will always stand up for each other because that's what family does. Barbra enjoys hanging out with other ponies, especially on errands, while Twilight studies.

For some reason, she develops a crush on Elusive. It grows stronger as time goes on,although Barbra will eventually grow out of it. Barbra is naturally a protective dragon, and can be very selfish. Although it isn't a big fact, but worth mentioning, Barbra is a big fan of movies, music, and video games and makes tons of refrences like: "Where in Cloudsdale is Carmen Sandiego...?" and "I've heard better speeches from Nickle Cage than that garbage, Senator Stallion."

Barbra and Twilight met prior to the story, Barbra has no interest in romancing Twilight Sparkle and even gets disturbed when anyone brings up a possibility of a romance between Twilight Sparkle and Barbra. Barbra is a reoccurring/semi-main character, she has a minor-major role in every story-arc (which I call Saga to poke fun at DBZ) except for Dawn Guard.

The Lonely, Quiet Guy

He later gets a haircut and contacts.

The kind, nerdy, adorkable stallion.

Butterscotch is the prime example of a stallion who cares a little too much, setting himself up with the promises that life will always get better for him if he becomes a better stallion. Butterscotch does not work out regularly but has a strict fruits and veggie diet; he's skinny, he's fragile, but at least he won't suffer a heart attack like somepony would.

Butterscotch does not like it when you go into his backyard without permission, Butterscotch houses sick, endangered, or elderly animals in his backyard. His backyard contains of a fresh water stream that leads to a pond filled with schools of exotic fishes, grass so finely cut it feels like a carpet, and multiple trees to hide from the glaring heat of the sun. Some of them bearing fruit for consumption.

Stay out of his shed. At all costs.

it is later learned that he was Jack the Ripper in his VERY VERY past life

Butterscotch wears rectangular glasses, the glasses are for Butterscotch's inability to read, write, or see correctly without them. He later gets contacts. Butterscotch is a book writer and a illustrator, but only in his off time does he write stories. Butterscotch writes archives about the animals he sees so he never forgets how to take care of said animal, he also has finely detailed sketches of the animals in the books along with information.

Butterscotch is a huge fan of video games, especially Metal Gear Solid because he had a boyhood crush on Solid Snake and Naked Snake/Venom "Punished" Snake/Big Boss. During Twilight's invasion into the Forbidden Scroll Room chapter and the Metal Gear Sparkle story-arc/saga, he acts as Otacon. Butterscotch is the combination of Octacon and Fluttershy, because of reasons. Butterscotch also is very attracted to Twilight's accidental cosplay of Solid Snake, but at the same time attracted to Bubble Berry's purposeful cosplay of a Third Echelon Agent. Butterscotch is bisexual, but he's more attracted to Twilight Sparkle than any-pony else.

Butterscotch carries around the Book of Elements for emergencies, he became the first pegasus to ever cast a spell in hundreds of years after regenerating the Elements of Harmony from their inactive state. Butterscotch doesn't do spells, however, as it makes him feel physically ill every time he casts a spell.

Butterscotch is a coward, he's timid, he's antisocial to the point where he would stay silent for an entire day and no one would notice. Butterscotch talks quietly and yells even quieter, but if he's pissed off or REALLY excited, he can be louder than Thomas the Train and a Banshee from the Halo franchise fucking each other in a thorn bush -- yes, that loud.

Butterscotch relies on Angel, his pet rabbit, for support sometimes. Butterscotch would mostly be traveling around with the pet bunny, because Butterscotch would not travel anywhere else on his own due to his really uncanny ability to be the unluckiest stallion on the face of this earth. Angel's mother, Dannie, is Butterscotch's first friend, however, Angel grew up to be an asshole who only stays with Butterscotch out of pity. Everyone's an Asshole Because of Comedy.

Like Twilight, Butterscotch never had friends before the Stallion/Mane 5, later 6. Unlike Twilight, Butterscotch didn't have a choice to be alone or not. Butterscotch internally tormented himself during his childhood; viewing his problems as his fault for being spineless, he looks onto other ponies playing sports or having fun. Butterscotch never punished himself by cutting, or not eating, or suicidal thoughts, but he would scold himself to the point where he would look in the mirror and hate the pony he sees. Because that pony is why Butterscotch was alone, his own enemy, his wall from the outside world.

Butterscotch hates small talk with a passion.

Butterscotch and Twilight Sparkle met during Friendship is Awkward pt. 2 as a parody to the show and the source material, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine. (T.U.L.L.O.D.S (tul-odes)). Butterscotch didn't know what to think about Twilight Sparkle and/or her ear, but he falls in love shortly after the Dawn Guard Saga after Twilight Sparkle saves him from a landslide.

Twilight Sparkle and Butterscotch has a rather silent branch to sit on, which you will see later on.

The Foul Mouthed Jerk with a Rainbow Heart
(not homosexual I pinkie promise)

He later gets a mane cut.

(and color because coloring takes forever)

The cocky, loud, brash, and arrogant pony with a mouth for a sailor and a heart of gold

Lets be frank, Rainbow Blitz is a troublemaker punk. Rainbow Blitz has almost never thought of any pony other than himself until meeting Gildo, a Griffin, in Flight School. Gildo and Rainbow Blitz ruled the school until they both graduated, they became roommates for a short period of time before Gildo moved away to live on his own. Rainbow Blitz is a jerk, but he's always got your back when you need him the most.

Rainbow Blitz swears a lot, almost to the point where I thought about making this story M Rated instead of T Rated because of his vulgar mouth. Rainbow Blitz insults everyone, especially Butterscotch to the point where Butterscotch isn't even phased by his rainbow-headed friend's mockery. Piss Rainbow Blitz off and he'll bark thunder and scream lighting, verbally driving even the most harden pony into tears. Rainbow Blitz is cocky, arrogant, and sometimes even stupid but he's not all talk.

Rainbow Blitz is a black belt in Karate, although it's unspecified what Dan he is or where he learned Karate. All that's explained is who taught Rainbow Blitz, Mr Miagi. However, he is undisciplined and pretty much goes against Mr. Miagi's teachings to never use Karate in anger or vengeance. Which he does anyways. This means Rainbow Blitz can get his ass whooped by an opponent who is cool headed and tactical.

Rainbow Blitz is highly cultured in modern references, as he loves to watch T.V, Sports, movies, music, video games, and plays. Rainbow Blitz is only basic in his reading and has a tough time knowing what complex words mean or any story-book refrences. Rainbow Blitz is a big sports fan, but an even better gamer. He cosplay`s as video game characters at conventions, even know he'll heavily deny being there.

Rainbow Blitz plays as Liquid Snake/Liquid Ocelot in the Metal Gear Sparkle Saga/Story Arc.

Rainbow Blitz wasn't always foul mouthed, short tempered, and obsessed with joining the Wonderbolts. He use to be a prankster punk, always tongue in cheek, filled with piss and vinegar. The 'bad colt' of every filly's dreams.
When Rainbow Blitz was eighteen, after Gildo moved away, he fell in love with a mare named Lightning Dust. He met Lightning Dust in a hotel by mistake during a really bad storm, the front desk colt accidentally gave him a spare to another room. Rainbow Blitz walked in on Lightning Dust about to get in the shower, which was awkward at first but quickly explained by Blitz.

The power went out, meaning the room was locked until the generator starts working again. For some reason, Lightning Dust continues with her shower but leaves the bathroom door purposefully open. She seduces Rainbow Blitz to avoid awkward tensions.

They have a one night stand.

They meet again by sheer luck and had another.

And another.

Lightning Dust moved into Cloudsdale and became friends with benefits with Rainbow Blitz for almost a year.

Lightning Dust might as well been a carbon copy of Rainbow Blitz, because they were probably a match made in heaven. It was a case of Bonnie and Clyde, they pulled pranks on everyone they knew, on each other, and allegedly once robbed a bank. After becoming an official couple, they moved closer to Ponyville so Rainbow Blitz could work on the weather without flying for miles or taking a train. Rainbow Blitz met Applejack in Running of the Leaves marathon, being tied for first place. A brief bromance happened but it didn't last long after meeting the rest of the Mane 5, later 6.

Rainbow Blitz's relationship with Lightning Dust was passionate, they had a very, very, very active sex life.

That's three 'very'`s, that's pretty serious. Rainbow Blitz was in love so hard, he ignored Applejack's warnings of Lightning Dust being unfaithful with him and only focused on her and her alone. After a year, Lightning Dust goes on to become a Wonderbolt Trainee, moving to Canterlot. Rainbow Blitz couldn't afford moving again, money was tight then. They had a long distance relationship, occasionally flying out to meet her. Rainbow Blitz even had a jar full of bits labeled A Ring for My Love.

He was going to propose to her when she visits him.

The day of her visit, two months later, Rainbow Blitz received a letter. The letter was in Lightning Dust's handwriting, but the smell of cologne hung over it. The letter was an apology, a confession. Lightning Dust didn't become a Wonderbolt Trainee, she lied so she had an excuse to live in Canterlot. In Canterlot was a stallion named Flash Sentry, she had been in two relationships - meeting Rainbow Blitz first. It was going on for a while, a month after getting together.

Rainbow Blitz was devastated, the betrayal wrenched his heart and molded it until it left with Lightning Dust. For weeks Rainbow Blitz kept looking at himself in the mirror, thinking he was the reason for her cheating. He falls under depression, refusing help from his friends out of pride. His depression, the missing chunk of his heart turns him into the incredibly rude, foulmouthed, jerk Twilight Sparkle sees today. He obsesses about joining the Wonderbolts to fill the still hurting hole in his heart.

Rainbow Blitz is a 'friend' who'll help someone out when they need it the most, because he knows what it felt like to be abandoned and wanting help, even if the pony refuses help. Another reason is he hates Lightning Dust with a fiery passion, the worst thing that could ever happen to Rainbow Blitz is if he weasels out of a situation and abandons some-pony.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Blitz met in Friendship is Awkward pt. 2 after Rainbow Blitz crashes into Twilight Sparkle on accident. Twilight Sparkle sits on his balls accidentally, which instead of making sexually attraction like a bad clop fiction, it actually hurt his testicles. The scene is a parody of Dragon Ball Z Abridged to Vegeta's rage scream and a parody of the source material, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, where Dusk Shine has his face in Rainbow Dash's lower regions.

Rainbow Blitz and Twilight Sparkle share a love--hate tension, although it is unknown why Twilight Sparkle feels so negatively about Rainbow Blitz. Rainbow Blitz flirts with Twilight Sparkle relentlessly because he knows she hates it, which could mean that Rainbow Blitz messes with Twilight just to spite her. Although, he got extremely jealous when ~~Knighty~~ Night-Terror Knight used his mist to molest Twilight's mouth and ears.

The Barrel of Cactus, Honesty, Sweat, Blood, and Apples

Much like Mick Foley, who I strongly compare to this character, Applejack is an honest pony who doesn't go to the extremes.
He goes hard-fucking-core.

Simply, Apple Cactus Jack is his canon show counterpart, he's born on the farm and he plans on dying on that farm. Honesty is the best policy for this stallion, for he's great at sniffing out the line between truth and fiction--lies and truths, so you best put on your truth serum hat because he does not fool around with liars. Nor can he lie himself, in fact, he's terrible at lying.

Applejack has a knack for going to the extremes, sometimes pushing his body way past the limit and straining himself to the point of injury. Injury, however, doesn't just piss off Applejack, he seems to have a tendency to get riskier with each injury he suffers. Sort of like bloodlust, the more he gets knocked down - the more he comes right back up to hit harder. This is how he's able to buck so many trees on his farm despite knowing he's sore, injured, or ill. Pain drives him to work harder, but not smarter.

Almost getting cut to ribbons by Night-Terror Knight wasn't enough for the dare devil Farm-pony, Applejack tackled the Knight into tacks, which were on a table, which was lit on fire. Doing so, he begun to smile despite the blood running down his face. Despite this, Applejack is probably the most sanest out of the group, following Butterscotch.

Applejack, much like his tendency to get nuts, is brutally honest. Sometimes, Applejack doesn't know how much a truth would hurt, and he would practically shower you in truth. For the better this quality has, this is also a quality Applejack really needs to get rid of if he values any sort of trust between him or his friends. This is a reason why there's a rocky relationship between him and Rainbow Blitz, as they both are prone to clash for sometimes no reason.

Applejack is highly competitive, which causes him to occasionally butt-heads with Rainbow Blitz and Elusive. Why Elusive? Applejack once made a bet with Elusive that he could stay clean the entire day while also doing his farm work. If Elusive lost, he'd die his hair green. If Applejack lost, he gets a girly makeover. It didn't end in either's favor, and now it's semi-personal

Applejack had a bromance with Rainbow Blitz, but it was short-lived after learning about Lightning Dust.

Applejack plays Revolver Ocelot in the Metal Gear Sparkle Saga.

Applejack personifies his faults, instead of repressing them. Applejack would sometimes feel really risky and competitive one day, but then feel fatherly and wise the next day. His middle name is Cactus Barrel Fruit, but shorten to Cactus. Applejack has a lot of theories why, but the most realistic one is that AJ's mother was not faithful one day. It would explain why he enjoys risks while his brother and sister does not. He calls his other half of himself Cactus Jack, but not a lot of times.

Applejack is incredibly strong, could be the strongest in Ponyville if it wasn't for Rainbow Blitz or Red Gala. Yes, his older sister is still very strong.

Applejack enjoys chewing on hay, onion weeds, and even sometimes cigarettes--even though he doesn't smoke. Applejack hates smoking, he would forcefully take out any cigarette he sees and snaps it in half.

Applejack sucks at fighting and would get his ass kicked in a fair fight, but if it's a no hold bared brawl, may the hair on Solaris's bollocks help you. EIther your leaving in a stretcher or Applejack's leaving in a body bag.

Twilight Sparkle and Apple Jack met in Friendship is Awkward Pt. 1 when Twilight Sparkle visits the farm and has a feast with the Apple Family. Twilight Sparkle learns that she has a undying love for pop tarts, which will never be explained. Grandpappy remarks about Applejack pairing up with the unicorn, even going as far as naming names for the children. Applejack complains that he JUST met this mare, and she's VERY awkward.

Twilight Sparkle and Applejack are literally a case of a When a City Girl meets a Farm Boy, there's just something about each other that just feels... right. In a way... I don't know, fucking sue me like Vengeful Spirit did.

Friendship is Awkward |Part One|

"I didn't care what friendship could be, (MY LITTLE PONY!) until Solaris basically forced it onto me!"

TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S UNWANTED LOVE LIFE

By CondesendingSarcasm

Do you know of the Muffin Man?

Not Twilight either, she never really payed attention to the entire lesson of the Muffin Colt but she believed that the Muffin Colt is the reason why Equestria makes so many muffins in such a short time span.

The entirety of the time that Twilight sits in the Royal Bakeries is spent procrastinating. A bookworm who procrastinates by taking notes of the procedure of the slightly uncomfortable bakers.

So far she has the entire recipe and the mixed reactions of having a mare stalking a couple of stallions with a notepad, scribbling everything they do down.

Twilight actually has gone to the Royal Bakeries in search of the Muffin Colt, because she was that determined to find proof that she wasn’t just a stupid ten year old who has to ask permission to go to Disney.hof because her mum said so.

After an entire manhunt later, Twilight was found by a dragon and was kidnapped – actually it was a dragon-like turtle but there’s not a difference—

“Who the bloody hell wrote this! This is slander! I should sue!” Twilight looks up from the newspaper which claims to have been the completely ‘accurate’ biography of Twilight Sparkle. “I would never go outside or—”

Barbra stopped Twilight right there.

“That’s pretty much why no one really knows you, Twilight,” Barb, Twilight’s dragon assistant, answers from downstairs. “No one can write a biography about you if you refuse to step outside for more than three minutes without complaining you might get a hernia.”

“Hey! If you ever gotten a hernia, you’d know how much they’d hurt!” Twilight rubs her lower abdomen, where a bandage still remains. “It hurts badly!”

“You had the hernia surgery a month ago, Twilight…” Barbra finally appears from down-stairs, which happens to be the library main floor.

The upstairs is more or less a balcony with Twilight’s room being on the far side of the elevated floor. “Besides, you were souped up on pain pills—I started calling you Max Pain!”

Twilight shudders, the feeling of being addicted to those pills to avoid the sharp piercing pain of a hernia.

“That’s beside the point!” Twilight snarls, slamming the newspaper on the table with a scowl. “I would never, ever, not pay attention to Solaris!”

“Because you had a filly-crush on him when you were twelve?” Barbra deadpans, taking off her pink apron. “Even though Solaris is older than sin.”

“He is not!” Roars Twilight, even though what Barbra said true. “Sin was created two years before Solaris! Then Sin died giving birth to Eris…”

“Are you even going to attempt to deny the accusation of you having a crush on him when you were twelve?” Barbra asks, her eyebrows raising slightly before one of them lowered to a suspicious look.

“Deny what was true?” Twilight throws the newspaper out the window, the paper landing on two jogging – and rich – ponies down below. Twilight simply closes the window to avoid apologizing to the two jogging ponies. “I stopped a year after that, because I happened to mature when I’m thirteen.”

“You changed your entire sexuality because you got rejected by your thousand year old teacher,” Barbra reminds, her claws tapping the walls with no real rhythym or reason behind the action. She was just bored. “I mean, if you’re a real asexual—then it’s all downhill from here.”

“I’m not an asexual because Solaris doesn’t love me that way, Barb!” Twilight scoffs, her violet eyes rolling in her skull. “I don’t like romance, not one bit, I mean those who can get romance can be happy – I just don’t need a significant other to be happy if I have friends!”

“No,” Barbra sighs, “You don’t have friends, Twilight.”

“Bon-Bon was nice!” Twilight defends, crossing her forelegs across her chest. “So was Treble Clef, he played me a song!”

“Have you never been hit on before?” Barbra raises her eyebrow again, “As smart as you are…”

“Why would someone hit me? What have I done?” Twilight ignores the fact she dropped the newspaper onto two unsuspecting ponies below her.

“What—no” Barbra slides her head into her hand before looking back up, “Twilight, they were flirting with you, you daft bugger.”

“They were?” Twilight groans, feeling like an idiot the more she spoke of this topic. “Why is it so hard for me to actually develop a friendship with another pony without them falling hooves over snout for me.”

“Because it’s not in a stallion’s best interest be just friends, and unless you find a stallion who does otherwise, chances of love is high…” Barbra says, which leads to Twilight raising her own eyebrows now in suspicion.

“Who are you and what have you done with me assistant?” Twilight feigns an Irish accent to get her point across. “Because the last few times I spoke to her, she didn’t say anything about being a philosopher.”

“I read it out of a magazine,” Barbra admits.

“Figures,” Twilight says, her eyes unintentionally looking to the right. “You shouldn’t read those magazines, it’s all just taboo that’ll get idiots to read.”

“A lot of ponies read the Tell-Tall magazine, Twilight,” Barbra points out.

“That’ll get idiots to read,” Twilight repeats herself. “Quite frankly, they named me the Star-Student…”

“That’s not that bad – I guess,”

“They named me the Star Student because I’m—quote on quote—attractive as a model but smarter than Solaris himself,” Twilight finishes, a vein throbbing on her forehead. “And pictures of my flank to prove their point.”

“It was your Cutie Mark, and they had an artist draw it.” Barbra points out, “It’s not that hard to draw a Cutie Mark, ever seen any action-spy play yet?”

“Not my thing,” Twilight mumbles. “I prefer the adventures that fantasy offers rather than the cliché rogue agent saving the world of a nuclear threat.”

“Wow, you’re really uncultured,” Barbra muses, “First you go off on magazine readers, then go off on stallions flirting, and then finally never seeing an action play.”

“Bollocks,” Twilight mumbles again, “I guess the days have changed from the old classics being the most popular genre…”

“Oh, they still are,” Barbra picks up a book by Edgy Alley Boe, “Honestly the best thing to be read, but not every pony can read.”

“I’m quite aware of the illiteracy in Equestria, my dear Watson,” Oh course the snarky retort from Twilight was all Barbra needs to finally look at Twilight with a strange look.

“You alright?” Barbra asks, “You’re acting strange.”

“Well, no one would take me seriously because I’m a mare…”

“You told everyone you were looking for ‘humans’ last year,” Barbra deadpans, receiving a glare from Twilight in return. “And today, you went sprinting through the town ranting about how the nightmare was coming.”

“I might have panicked but that proves nothing!” Twilight exclaims, her chest puffing out for a moment before deflating. “Ah bloody hell, I just realized I sent that letter to Solaris.”

“I actually burned it,”

“Right, quick thinking but never do it again,” Twilight half-praises Barbra, “Now take a letter.”

Dear Prince Solaris,

Regarding my last report of Night-Terror Knight, and how his inevitable return would be in my lifetime, I have conducted a full analyses of the myth and concluded it to be completely true and placed into history.

While you pass it off as fodder, the evidence that Equestira’s history provides otherwise – as there is a black spot in history that was claimed to be destroyed in an uprising against Harmony.

However, in the state of emergency, I feel the need for preparations of the defense against Night-Terror Knight to be implicated in a timely manner for the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle

“Excellent,” Twilight smiles, “Now I’ll just wait for the response and get ready to get into the fallout shelter…”

“Hold on a second,” Barbra expels fire and out popped a scroll. She snorts when she reads the first paragragh of the lengthy message. “He thinks you’re on drugs.”

“WHAT?!!” Roars Twilight, trying to snatching the scroll from a dragon dying in laughter. “LET ME SEE!!”

Barbra holds the letter away from Twilight, continuing to read the long letter. “HOLD ON, I’M NOT DONE!”

“BARBRA!”

“IT’S A REALLY LONG LETTER!”

“THAT’S MY MAIL,”

“I AM YOUR MAILBOX, YOU TWIT, WAIT!”

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I honestly pray that you have not been eating those medicinal plants again, because this is the kind of letter I would have received from a drug addict having a horrible trip. And I know a bad trip when I see one.

If you’re not sober and actually bugging me with this nonsense, I will sell everything you love in a poker game.

(Okay maybe not, but you get my point)

I want you to get a bloody life, mate! Nosing around a bedtime story and calling the boogey-colt real with this so-called ‘evidence’ is as useful as giving anonymous tips on Jack the Ripper. Go outside, for once, and make friends with anything – I don’t care if it’s even breathing or moves – at least make an effort to get attached to an earthworm.

Get a pet.

Or a hobby, either or works.

Or better yet, you’re twenty one now—Twilight—go get laid or something. Stop looking into bedtime stories to scare foals into not leaving their beds and go be an irresponsible adult! Do some drugs, drink some alcohol, have fun!

(Never in my life had I ever had a student who refused to rebel me in their teenage years, and I still can’t believe I have to tell you to disobey my Health Class so you don’t end up alone)

It’s the years of your youth and you’re going to end up like a cat lady librarian who hates cats.

Once you’re sober, and I hope you’re not sober as your reading this, pack your luggage. I have a new assignment that requires you to move out of your home and go to a town called Ponyville. (It’s literally two miles south of here, you can’t miss it if you take a train.)

Watch over the Summer Sun Celebration and get acquainted with your new house.

I accidentally sold your house in a game of Texas Hold-Em, and might not get it back. (I’m fully aware that I’m a Prince, or a King if you decide, and can do whatever I want but I’m feeling very lazy and squashing another uprising because of something like a diet of cakes is just asinine.)

So all in all: Get a life.

Love, Prince Solaris.

P.S: I’m not joking, I would rather you be a mare who is addicted to partying and destroying your organs than a mare who ends up a serial killer in her thirties.

P.S.S: Okay, don’t destroy your organs, keep the partying to a minimum. Just stop being an antisocial nerd.

P.S.S.S: I actually sold your house, on the back of the scroll is an eviction notice taped on.

P.S.S.S.S: Don’t be a serial killer.

P.S.S.S.S.S: There’s an ulterior motive of me booting you out of Great Canterlot you nerd, stop reading and go make some friends.

“I hate the train,” Twilight groans, holding the ticket gingerly in her magical aura. Twilight and Barbra are sitting on a bench, Twilight scowling at every train cart that dared to arrive.

“I love the trains,” Of course, Barbra had to say that—just to spite Twilight. “Only because you hate them so much!”

“I figured so as much,” Twilight growls, sinking into the bench further. Staring at the platform with distaste.

“You hate trains?” Barbra asks, looking at Twilight with a confused look. Of course, the hatred of trains are unusual for Twilight—

Then again, losing your house because your teacher gambled your house away isn’t the best message she seen so far – but when you combine it with the message of the letter – you’d be pretty pissed off too.

Off the train, finally.

Except it takes Twilight an hour and a half to finish her drafting of the checklist in complicated and detailed fasion.

“Next time I leave Canterlot, I’m taking the chariot,” Twilight growls, finishing the drafting of a checklist on an empty parchment. “I don’t care if I fall off, I suddenly hate everything that moves unnaturally.”

“That’s really anti-you,” Barbra smugly yawns, “You would leap yourself at the train to figure out how it moves.”

“Oh goody, I have to lecture you about line-crossing,” Twilight places the quill into her saddlebag and draws a line in the sand. “That’s the line—” She strikes her hoof over the line, obliterating it from existence. “And that’s how you cross it.”

“So… did I cross the line?”

“Yes, Barbs, you did,”

“The – jumping in from of a train – bit?” Barbs climbs up onto Twilight’s back and just rests there, then she sprawls out into a comfortable position.

“Are you being purposefully dense?” Twilight turned her head behind her, glaring at Barbra.

Barbs makes a stupid face, her voice heavy with feigned stupidity. “Huh?”

“I have the urge to smother you in your sleep…” Twilight mumbles/whispers, prompting Barbs to raise her head quickly.

“I beg your pardon?” Barbs said, sticking her pinkie into whatever she has that’s called an ear, “I didn’t hear, I was admiring all of the nice clouds we have today.”

“No worries, I said we’re going to have to go without sleep—” Twilight began before a snort by Barbs loudly rings in her ear.

So she has the audacity to climb onto my back, expecting a pony back ride, but doesn’t even have the decency to not be loud so close to my ears.

“Oh bugger that! I need my beauty sleep!” Barbs exclaims, puffing her chest out. “These beautiful scales don’t grow on their own!”

“Whoever told you that is an idiot,” Twilight retorts, even know she knows perfectly well of who told her that exact quote. “Things can grow on their own!”

“You told me that,” Barbra rolls her eyes before lying on her back which rests on Twilight’s back, “Anyways, what’s the first thing on the list?”

“Oh, erm,” Twilight unfolds the parchment, “Food— oof!”

She hadn’t even realized she was walking and she bumps into a pink stallion, with even pinker mane, as a result. The stallion’s facing the other direction and he seems to tense up when Twilight speaks.

“Sorry!” Twilight smiles sheepishly, “I wasn’t paying any bother to the road…” Here’s a good chance to knock off the make some friends part of the letter. “My name’s Twilight Sparkle, I’m from Canterlot, could you point me in the direction of… erm…”

Back to the checklist, which the name Sweet Apple Acres is neatly (chicken scratch) written on.

“Ah yes, could you point me in the direction of S—shaking, why are you shaking?” The Pink Stallion is shaking. What the devil? “Was it something I said?”

“You alright there, mate?” Barbs looks over Twilight’s mane and unicorn.

The stallion turns around, with the straightest face – no – the most serial killer-like face only a mother could ‘love’—quote on quote.

“Twilight, I’ll distract him while you RUN,” Barbs whispers in Twilight’s ear, “Actually, bump all that, I’m going to run the second you don’t.”

“You alright?” Twilight nervously asks, unsure if she should run or see how this plays out. “I’m sorry, for bumping into you there, you know, right there on the bum—but I was doing the one thing my mum told me not to do—”

“Drinking and Carting?” Barbs condescendingly asks.

“Barbs, SHH!” Twilight hisses at the dragon on her back, “Or you’ll be walking back to Canterlot with a bag full of—BLOODY NORA, YOU’RE MENTAL!!”

A sharp gasp shakes Twilight’s ear and she whips around to find the pink stallion hover in the air with an over-exaggerated face; gasping for a good thirty seconds, a breath that could put the best diver in Equestria to shame.

TL;DR—The pink stallion jumps in the air and gasps,

As quickly as it happened, the stallion lands on the ground and hightails it away from Twilight; leaving a trail of dust and two very confused females.

Twilight Sparkle stares after the stallion as he takes a left and disappears, her eyebrow twitching from the sudden incident.

“Where’s that train, I’m jumping in front of that train— Barb!” Twilight looks over her shoulder to find a dragon dying of laughter.

And the cure is a light session of strangulation.

Twilight rubs her raw cheek, pouting at the satisfied dragon. “You didn’t have to smack me so hard—it was uncalled for.”

“Bugger off, you were one trying to choke me,” Barbs raises an eyebrow at Twilight, “I thought you learned the last time you did that.”

“I was arrested, and then got let off,” Twilight deadpans, continuing to walk on the dirt path to Sweet Apple Acres. “No one wants to be the one who arrested Solaris’s protégé, no one.”

“Not even the Captain?”

“We’re not even going to touch that thing with a three light year pole, c’mon,” Twilight shrugs, continuing to walk the path.

“Why doesn’t Gleaming Shield visit you anymore?” Barbs asks, but glares at Twilight when Twilight looks back at Barbra with a look. “You don’t exactly share everything with me, you know!”

“Yes, Spike, I do,” Twilight shakes her head, “Except for this one, I’ll tell you another time.”

An awkward silence falls over them.

“Did you call me Spike?” Barbs snorted, suppressing a giggle. “That’s the third time this week! Pay up!”

“I always wanted to call you Spike!” Twilight lights up her horn and removes twenty bits from her inventory into Barb’s claws. “But then you were named Spines, because you’re a girl, and then you changed it to Barbs!” Twilight growls again. “Now it’s Barbra!”

“What if I told you, I did this for a profit?” The dragon asks, “For all the years I’ve been alive?”

“…” Twilight thought for a moment before realizing the brilliance behind Barbra’s words and name changing, then the bets to make Twilight feel like a betting mare—“Clever girl…!”

“YEE HAW!” Was the words echoing through the air, the uncertainty starting to flood Twilight’s chest and belly.

There was a barn, a couple of farming tools, and a field of trees, but it looks deserted. Provided that deserted meant that there was one pony kicking trees like a madman, instead of picking it naturally.

(Twilight calls it deserted because that orange pony gives off the impression that he’s not all there—mentally uh.)

“Alright, this doesn’t look that bad, let’s try meeting this stallion—” Twilight takes in a deep breath and then expels it.

“The only time you’ll ever say that in your life,” Barbra mumbles as Twilight passes under the sign and into the field carefully. Twilight pauses to see the orange stallion buck a tree trunk, causing apples to be dispensed from the branches.

“Is that even possible?” Barbra asks Twilight, who was more or less being intimidated by how strong the orange stallion was.

The stallion looks at Twilight, who was frozen mid-step like a deer in some headlights. The stallion has a still look on his face, seemingly thinking, before his face brightens up with a smile. The stallion approaches and Twilight second guesses her decision to start from the top of the list.

“Well, Howdy there, Missus!” The stallion greeted with vigor-like friendliness. “Ah was expectin’ some pony! Ah received word that some city-folks were coming over, so I tidied up the farm – real nice!”

“...right?” Twilight replies with a small voice, still threatened by entire three inch advantage that this orange pony was. Twilight quickly puts space between the two and tries to quick-talk her way out of this. “Well, I don’t want to keep you—cheerio!”

“Hold on a second!” Twilight’s heart froze when the stallion’s voice raised up, realizing she wasn’t going anywhere. “Ah ain’t as stupid as Ah thought! You must be them!” The stallion’s right ear twitched, detecting the accent in Twilight’s voice. “Ah thought Ah heard an Austailian accent!”

“It’s a Canterlis accent, actually, but that’s pretty close…” Twilight squeaked, looking over to Barb for help – but Barb was off and about, helping a yellow foal push a bucket of apples. “And yes, we would be the ones looking over the food…”

“Hold on there, cowgirl! There’s no need for that scured tone!” the stallion smiles brightly at Twilight, which helped her confidence a small bit but not anywhere of mentioning. “Every-pony who visits Sweet Apple Acre are almost as close as family!”

“Rightly speaking, I’m actually just here to see the Summer Celebrations—” Twilight inhales, exhales, and tries to push the intimidation down her chest—

“Ah know Ah’m a scary looking stallion, but Ah’m nowhere near as big as my sis’!” The stallion chuckles, hearing the hesitation in her voice. “But don’t you worry, missus! Ah ain’t no violent farm boy as those books say, heck, Ah’ve never even tussled with my own younger brother!”

“Right,” Twilight adds her sarcastic retort, but it flies over the stallion’s head. “Well, why don’t you— wagh!”

The stallion takes her right hoof and shakes it vigorously, completely throwing the entire façade Twilight tried to pull out of the ballpark. Twilight couldn’t do much except allow her right leg to wiggle like a wet noodle.

“Ah forgot my manners! Ah can hear Grand-pappy screaming in my ears now!” Still. Not. Stopping. The. Hoof. Shake. “The name’s Applejack, proud member of th’ Apple Family!”

The second the stallion releases her foreleg, Twilight took a step back. A bigger smile appears on his face. “Well Ah can’t call you Missus forever! You got a name?”

“Twilight Sparkle… Blimey! I think you turned my hoof to jelly!” Twilight stomps her hoof onto the ground, pins and needles somehow forming in her hoof and shooting down her name.

“If Ah wanted to, Ah would have turned it to jam!”

“Smashing,” Twilight says, of course with sarcasm. “Speaking of which, back to the checklist so I don’t have to overstay my welcome.”

“It’s no biggie, Twilight!” Applejack says dismissively, a quick wave of his hoof to tell Twilight off politely. “But it’s a doozy of an apple assortment of food we have, c’mon and I’ll show you!”

“No, trust me, I’m already two minutes on the farm and I feel like stress eating,” Twilight mumbles, although Applejack didn’t catch what she said.

Following Applejack, Twilight finds a table with an assortment of ponies scattered on every side of the combined long table. It’s a picnic, with mountains and mountains of freshly made food.

“Y’all lucky ta come here first, Sparkler,” says Applejack, he gave a quick laugh at his own joke at Twilight’s name. “Yer just in time fer the Apple family reunion!”

Twilight smiles awkwardly and shakes her head. “Wait, what’re you on about?” she asks. “I just need you to tell what food you’re serving. You really don’t have to introduce me to your whole family.”

“That’s th’ best thing about our family,” Applejack said with pride. “Ah can both at once!” Twilight waves her hoof in a panicky manner.

“No need, I insist!” Twilight pleads, Applejack didn’t even notice her existence as he took a long and deep breath. “I honestly, and seriously couldn’t care less about their names! I just need to know the quality!”

“We got Apple Cobbler, Apple Strudel, Carmel Apples, Jack Daniels, Hard Apple Cider, Soft Apple Cider, Apple Strudel, Apple Poptart, Apple Salad, Cousin Jazz Apples, Apple Wine, Ant’ & Uncle Orange, Blood Orange, Orange Crush, Tangerine—she’s just adorable ain’t she?” Applejack smiles at the small little filly in Orange Crush’s orange hooves.

Twilight, thinking about remembering all of those names, starts thinking about how much time she would have to spend to climb one of these trees to get a proper noose around.

But then again, Cousin Jazz Apples looks bucking HOT in those stockings she has on for… whatever purposes she has for them… Twilight’s not complaining, it makes for a nice few of the plot—

And the sudden need for a rope around her neck arrives once again.

“On my side of the family: little Applebuck, Red Gala, and finally, Gran-Pappy Smith.” Applejack points over to a green, sleeping elder whose unconsciously rocking on a really old chair. “Come on Gran-pappy Smith! Look alive! We got company!”

They all face Twilight, flashing a big toothy grin at her. Twilight almost wilts under the attention, but her voice doesn’t fade from her.

“I can’t truly say yes,” Gasps, as expected, a lot of down-beat sighs and ‘Aww’s were shared and they did weigh on Twilight’s shoulders, but Twilight has better things to do than just stuff her face.

“I have an assignment to do, I also have to prepare my apocalypse bunker—since someone sold my old house, which had a shelter inside of it, in a poker game—so you must think I’m absolutely bonkers if you think I’m going to—oh you have pop-tarts…”

“A lot of ‘em!” Apple Poptart says proudly. “All you can eat!”

“I forgot what I was talking about, I want those pop-tarts—THEY ARE MINE!!” Twilight, forgetting all table manners, crams as many of the pastries as she can into her jaws animalistically.

“Heh, that’s th’ spirit! Dig in, every-pony!” Applejack chuckles at Twilight’s sudden change of manner, being refined mare to a cowgirl that’ll make three generations of the Apple family proud.

Applejack looks down at Barb, who was looking on hungrily. Applejack chuckles at Barb, raising her up to a char and sliding a plate in front of her with pretty much one of everything—and that’s pretty much a lot.

“You too, sugarcube! There ain’t no hungry bellies when theirs food to share!”

Pop-tart has a proud look on his face as Twilight practically wolfs down three pasteries per second, which pretty much was the norm in the family; as it’s only proper to smash your face into the mountains of blueberry/apple pop-tarts and practically become a Manticore while doing so.

“Ah always knew you’d bring th’ right girl onto th’ farm someday,” Gran-Pappy Smith grins at Applejack. “She mighty cute, big appetite, sum’ brains, and one feisty mare under that shell of hers.”

“She ain’t my mare-friend!” Applejack counters, a blush shooting on his face out of embarrassment. “She’s a guest! Ah would have treated any-pony the same way!”

“Non-sense! Some-pony as fine as her is bound to be taken by some lucky colt, no-pony is a lucky as an Apple!” Gran-Pappy Smith insists, “There ain’t no pony more perfect for that mare than an Apple, I’m already thinking of the names of the little young-uns you’re gonna have wit’ her…”

“Slow your role, Grand-Pappy!” Applejack complains, “Ah just met her!”

They only managed to get off of the farm when Twilight drove herself into the bushes. Basically, her innards played baseball with her stomach and scored a homerun. For a few minutes hurling in the bush.

“Are you done almost done honking?” Barbra asks rudely, glaring at the bush Twilight refuses to leave in because of vomiting reasons. “This is what happens when you start gobbling three meters of pop-tarts, either your stomach explodes or your body’s rejecting it harder than Flash Sentry rejected you.”

“Low blow,” Twilight says from the bushes, finally.

Then she vomits.

“You want a mint?” Barbra asks, holding up a pack of spray. “This is the closest thing I could pinch from the local dentist.”

“You robbed a dentist office? Barbra!” Twilight looks shocked, then angry, then confused, “Who robs a dentist?!”

“I’ll return it, soon,” –This translation from Barbra’s language into Equine for a better understanding of what she actually means: “I’m never gonna give this up, never gonna put this down,”

“You’re going to write up quite the apology to the dentist after I’m done with you,” Twilight glares even harder as she takes the mint spray, uncaps the top, and sprays once on the tongue – and another one in the back of the throat.

“Relax, chum!” Barbra’s face fell into a grin, revealing the receipt on the back of the mint spray. “I wouldn’t risk a dimes worth of jail over something as a bloody mint—”

Barbs stops midsentence.

“Uh….Barbs… do you hear that…?” Twilight’s ear flickers to the left, a booming scream coming out from the heavens.

“…I feel that…” Barbs turns her head to Twilight.

Solaris sits on his throne, masterminding everything that has taken place so far. He strokes his glorious beard as he continues to procrastinate with a magical eight ball.

“What in my name is that noise?” Solaris looks up with a confused look, a scream worthy of gods piercing the soundproof barriers of his throne room.

As the statue starts to chip, and break off pieces, it rumbles and tumbles and other onomatopoeias for Eris breaking free.

Finally out of her stone cocoon, the god of chaos has broken free of this prison Solaris has placed her in! Time for her revenge—

A scream shakes the ground, she looks up the sky with a bewildered look in her eyes. At first, it sounded like her father watching Two Mares One Cup, but then to realize her father’s dead and that scream had to come from Tartarus itself.

“…You know what, I think I’m just going to wait another season or two…” Eris clicks her claws together, reforming the stone and encasing herself once more.

Author's Note

I really didn't want to cut it off here, but Word was messing up and I couldn't save any files. I'll have it fixed by next chapter!

Friendship is Awkard |Part Two|

A flash of light, blurry vision with stars, distorted hearing, a loud whine ringing in the ears—that is generally what some-pony would call the effects of being struck off guard, especially somewhere the old noggin.

For Twilight, this meant a screaming blue meteorite striking the very place Twilight was standing in somehow perfect ballistic and accuracy.

That’s a problem for a different time, if Twilight has to sue the asteroid belt for damages and possibly a concussion. Twilight didn’t rightly know what hit her, if it wasn’t a blue meteorite, but it’s certainly has a really raw voice after that scream.

TL;DR—Twilight was struck by a smooth criminal, going near Mach-speed, screaming like someone took a dragon’s prized jewels.

As Twilight tries to fix her googly eyes, she hears a rugged voice under her – groaning in what Twilight assumes to be pain.

“You’re… sitting… on my balls… lady…” the stallion wheezes out, Twilight doesn’t hear him. “And not the good kind, I mean the kind that actually hurts…”

“Are you alright?!” Twilight growls at the stallion, the loud ringing in her ear starting to fade. “You’re lucky I’m protected by plot armor! I would have been killed!”

“That would totally be bad,” The stallion retorts condescendingly, “Now get the buck off my balls.”

Instant hatred.

Why is that a new thing with all the ponies she meets that they flip around from asshole to kindness in a moment’s notice, like they were bipolar or something likely out of a shitty start to fan fiction

Twilight looks down to see that she was straddling the blue stallion, her face changing from a pissed off unicorn who got hit in the side of the head by a falling stallion from the clouds to a unicorn who is straddling the very falling stallion that hit her on the side of a head with a rock.

That long sentence meant a blush shoots across her face as her one good ear starts to flicker uncontrollably.

Twilight quickly rolls off of him, sits up, and starts brushing the dirt and gravel off of her coat and mane. The stallion does the same, after nursing his foreshadow-heavy hurt testicles.

“So, for the sake of your dignity and my reputation, that never happened,” The stallion bluntly says, “I would rather not be the colt who ran into a stranger that… looks totally uncool.”

“Rude!” Twilight growls, “I’ll have you know that I am the personal protégé of Prince Solaris himself!”

“Oh… buck…” The stallion gets a shocked look on his face, his breath slipping from his mouth.

“Oh buck indeed!” Twilight pops her neck, relieving tension in the bones.

“You’re a NERD!” The stallion laughs, crumbling to the ground to hold his sides while he laughs at the one thing Twilight has worked so hard to earn. “Oh! I know! You’re an egghead!”

“Don’t call me that,” Twilight’s right eye twitches.

“And because you’re purple, you’re an eggplant!” Barbs joins in the laughter, the stallion grins at Barb.

“BARB! THE BETRAYL!” Twilight shouts, glaring at the dragon rolling on the ground.

“This girl gets it!” The stallion chuckles.

This continues for a couple of minutes, or until the author decided so – he doesn’t know how to tell time based on the sun or how long scene breaks are.

The stallion sits up.

“Done?”

“Yeah-yeah, I’m done,” The stallion’s eyes look at Twilight’s mane, most particularly, her ears. “Whoa! What happened to your right ear? It’s all shredded and stuff!”

Twilight subconsciously flickers her mangled ear, “Don’t worry about it,”

“But I want to know!” The stallion complains, “What could be so bad about telling me about something as stupid as torn ear?”

“Stupid?” Twilight asks, narrowing her eyes to a dangerous level of barely seeing.

I’m going to enjoy this more than I should…

“GOSH! I ONLY ASKED WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU HIT ME ON MY BALLS!” The stallion cups his jewels and rolls around on the ground in pain, Twilight rolls her right hoof clockwise—not really use to physical violence.

It took one quick hit on the male genitalia that’s worthy of all stallions to cross their legs and hiss like rattlesnakes on a train, to shut the stallion up. Even Barb – who doesn’t even have what the blue stallion has – still closes her legs tighter than she normally would.

“Now if you excuse me, I have to go find this Rainbow Blitz bloke,” Twilight, satisfied with the amount of times she slammed her hoof into the stallion’s family jewels, says with venom leaking out of her voice. “And talk to him about the weather—cheerio, you sod.”

“Ay!” The stallion sits back up, done cupping his now-blue jewels. “That happens to be me, the fastest thing alive, total lady-killer, and the one perfect for the Wonderbolts!—what? You didn’t see my totally kick-ass mane?!”

“Oh goddess damn it, me and my luck…” Twilight mumbles under her breath, pinching her snout with her hoof. “I don’t even want to talk to you for more than I should, so I’ll make it simple.”

“Buck you too,” Rainbow Blitz answers, his high pain tolerance the reason he stops hurting in his jewels.

“We want a clear sky for the celebration, not a cloudy day,” Twilight explains to the rainbow haired stallion, who was following along.

“I see,” The stallion shrugs, “Why should I care when it gets done, I could have it done in ten seconds.”

“Impossible,” Twilight declares, looking at a whole group of clouds starting to bunch together – not to mention the amount of clouds there are on this cloudy day. “You’d have to be moving near the speed of sound, and I hate to break it to you – and I mean I don’t – you’re not fast—”

“Done,” Rainbow Blitz lands in front of Twilight, causing a stray gust of wind to blast her from the right side of her face.

“Hold on, I’m not done mocking you,” Twilight opens her eyes again, expecting to see clouds in the sky – and what she saw was a whole lot of blue and a sun.

Twilight’s internal organs feel like they’ve been replaced with ice, to avoid a lethal and mental breakdown she decided to flip sides. “See? You cleared all of the clouds…”

“Lady, your man-…” Rainbow Blitz starts, but Barbra quickly makes a ‘No Bueno’ motion with her hands.

“Meaning you went near the speed of sound, by the calculations of how many words I said and how long it should have took—What are you looking at?” Twilight turns back around to them, Barbra and Rainbow Blitz literally on tears to avoid from screaming out.

“Your mane,” Rainbow Blitz suppresses a laugh (and by suppress, I mean loudly laughing in her face while pointing.) “Oh my god, you totally look like that one guy from that play!”

“Fanny, from the GameTrumps?!”

“YES!!”

Twilight didn’t hear him, her mane puffed out into the most fabulous curly-afro Barbra and Rainbow Blitz ever seen. The mane covers her good ear, because of the gust of wind, instead of her right, chewed up ear.

“Hey!” Rainbow Blitz yells into the mangled ear of Twilight, “I’m trying to make fun of you here and it only works when you can hear me!”

Still nothing.

“Oi!” Barb calls to Rainbow Blitz, climbing back up to Twilight’s back and points at her bad ear. “That’s completely deaf, unless you scream your voice into a megaphone –she might notice you.”

“What happened to it?” Rainbow Blitz questions, Barb shrugs in return. “I’d only assume that you know what happened because you live with her!’

“It was before I was born, even then, she won’t tell me,” Barbra defends, “She won’t tell anyone, not even Solaris knows what happened to her ear.”

“What?” Twilight calls out, hearing almost next to nothing.

“So… Is that why she totally went psycho when I asked about it?” Rainbow Blitz asks, “That’s the first time a mare has kicked – and kept kicking me – me in the balls for asking a question…”

“Touchy subject, I guess,” Barbs shrugs again, moving the hair out of Twilight’s good ear. “Anyways, I’m Barbra and she’s Twilight.”

“You already know mine,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, “So what’s the big deal with her?”

“Huh?” Barbra blinks, not understanding the question. “Sorry, culture differences, what do you mean?”

“I mean, what’s put her in such a bad mood?”

“Besides the whole crashing into her and acting like a dick for no reason?” Barbra condescendingly shrugs, “Solaris basically lost our house in a card game and we’re forced to live here.”

“What, so she thinks she’s better than us?!” Roars Rainbow Blitz, glaring at the confused as hell unicorn. “Just because she’s Solaris’s special student?!”

“Not really,” Barbra quickly answers, and thus quieting down Rainbow Blitz’s easily triggered rage for now. “She doesn’t exactly enjoy attention, she practically hates it.”

“A mare who doesn’t like attention, what are the odds…” Rainbow Blitz mumbles, “I know someone who acts the exact same way, except he doesn’t talk as much as her.”

“You should be thankful she’s making a coherent response to you,” Barbra brings up, “You can’t find a more awkward conversation with another pony, even if you talk about taxes during sex. Probably what she’ll do.”

“Whoa, you got quite the imagination,” Rainbow Blitz raises an eyebrow at Barbra, “How old are you?”

“Pony years or Dracon years?” Barbra fires back, “Dragons live for a damn long time, especially female dragons,”

“Let’s try Pony years,” says Rainbow Blitz.

“…Okay… its 300 C.E… divide that by ten point five…” Barbra mumbles, math equations filling her head to the brim. “Carry the four… Seventeen.”

“Wow, what about Dracon years?”

“Don’t even bring that up, I made a mistake to, that’s going to take me all day to calculate,” Barbra warns, “Don’t even worry about it.”

“I can dig it,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, a smile on his face lasting no longer than three seconds. “Anyways, I’m sure you got some other thing going on – and I gotta practice for my entrance to the Wonderbolts – so I’ll catch ya later.”

“Cheerio,” Barbra says, watching the stallion burst into the air. She looks back to Twilight and pulls her ear out of the frizzy, and awfully scratchy, mane.

“What happened?” Twilight spaced out, “What did he say?”

“Heh, nice try, we’re moving on,” Barba says bluntly, “What’s next on the list?”

“Oh… erm… Decorations,” Twilight answers, but looks back to Barbra. “Are you sure? It looked like you two were laughing… by the way… did you stick a cotton ball into my ear?”

“Are you being purposefully dense right now, do you not feel how frizzy your mane is right about now?” Barba tugs on a strand of hair, “It got into your good ear.”

“I don’t even want to see my mane, but” Twilight says dejectedly, feeling like an idiot. “I’m embarrassed about the way I acted and I want to apologize to him.”

“Okay, you social anxious mare, c’mon!” Barbra taps Twilight on the head, “You can do that later—”

As the two leave, Rainbow Blitz lands and stares after them—mostly towards Twilight and her flank. The stallion grins and shakes his head.

“For an egghead, she ain’t bad looking,” He says to himself, thoughts shooting throughout his head. “Yep, totally going to bang her.”

“In, and out,” Twilight instructs, standing at the door of the really fancy boutique. “I want to hurry up and get to our new house and unpack everything, it’s been a long day.”

“At least you met someone, especially the way that Rainbow stallion looked at you,” Barbra teases, receiving a death glare from Sparkle. “What? Too soon to talk about the pent up sexual aggression you two obviously share?”

“…Good god, Barbra, what in Tartarus kind of magazines are you reading?!” Twilight exclaims, “Blimey!”

“Beside the point, you actually have a chance at not being alone…” Barbra begins, but is cut off by Twilight’s interjection.

“But that’s pretty much what I want…” Twilight mumbles, “But no, every-must have friends and whatnots. Especially a stallion who towers over me and an arsehole with a gay mane-cut. What good ponies…?”

“Applejack was pretty nice,” Barbra shrugs, “You could always go for the farmboy route…”

“Must I remind you of my sexual orientation?” says Twilight Sparkle, sharply spoken.

“For all I know, you’ll wine and dine with a bookmark,” OF COURSE BARBRA HAS TO BRING UP LAST YEAR’S HEART’S WARMING EVE.

“Mush!” Twilight hisses at Barbra, who just simply shrugs and takes her seat on the back of Twilight.

Opening the door is like opening a lid off of the pickle jar, it just wasn’t happening, no matter how hard you pull.

“C’mon Twilight! Stop faffing about!” Barbra chastised, “I’m going to get a tan while you do this!”

“You! Can’t! TAN!” Twilight finally learns to push, instead of pulling the door off of the hinges. Indeed while pulling so hard, only for it not to move, she pushes the door open – successfully making about twenty brain cells commit suicide.

“Crickey!” Barbra stands, pushing on Twilight’s spine uncomfortably, “Look at the beauty!”

Twilight picks up a strand of ribbons, noticing the quality to be professional but something about it… made it… seem… off… maybe the fabric being made out of fuckin’ gold is the reason. “Top notch work, okay, let’s leave…”

“Not the physically impossible ribbons, you chufa! I mean HIM!” Looking centered stage, Twilight notices a white stallion hard at work. His mane was purple and in curls, and the author mentions this because of the way it looks girlish.

“Ten bits says he’s gay,” Twilight says to Barbra, who would have made the deal if it wasn’t for the way she hovers in the air with hearts appearing in her eyes.

“He blooming better not be!” Barbra puffs out her chest before looking at Twilight, “YOU HAVE TO BE MY WINGPONY!”

“You don’t have a chufa’s chance in hell with him,” Twilight deadpans, looking through her cold hard reality eyes instead of Barbra’s heart eyes. “And he’s completely out of my league, out of my ballpark, out of my sport, out of my nation to be right.”

“Good thing I’m not the one who sleeps with a doll,” Barbra growls, hearts still for eyes, “Be my wingpony or I’ll nark to every-pony about that stupid doll!”

“Don’t you dare bring Mr. Smartypants into this, you chufa!” Twilight warns, “And stop using yellow nutsedge an insult! It doesn’t even make sense!”

Barbra was unmoved.

“Bloody Nora, you’re a tough chufa to crack,” Twilight relinquishes, “Why am I having déjà vu?”

“Because you’re meeting a stallion against your will again?! Hurry up before you’re social anxiety kicks in, you swot!” Barbra, acting like a rat in a kitchen, tugs on Twilight’s mane forward. “C’mon!”

“Uh… Hullo… erm…” A blank goes through Twilight’s mind and she stands there awkwardly, fishing for the correct words but can’t.

Even when Twilight does find the words, it seems incredibly rude to just stop someone from working on their job—Twilight doesn’t want to be the cause of someone not getting work done, that’s just ludicrous.

The white stallion looks up after Twilight sneezes, his pupils shrinking into pinpricks as he cuts off the mechanical sewing machine. Twilight, however, doesn’t notice.

“Oh, um, hullo again,” Twilight fumbled the greeting, how nice. “I just wanted to tell you about our lord and savior, sol— oof!” One sharp nudge from Barbra later. “I wanted to… um… put the good word in for my friend…!”

“My Goodness! Your mane!” The stallion shoots up, receiving a quickly retreating mare in return. “Who would do such a thing to a lady’s mane!?”

“…I was going to fix it at home…”

“Good Solaris! The bravery!” The white stallion cries, not literally crying but saying ‘says’ all the time is just saying the author’s not very clever with his dialog ending, “It’s… soo…”

“Jewfro?” Twilight answers with sarcasm, but it seems the unicorn took her seriously.

“Exactly! This must get corrected right this instant!” The unicorn levitates up several of combs, blow dryers, and sprays. “HERE! NOW! I FIX MANE!”

“Oh! Um! No need! I don’t want to waste your time!” Twilight quickly retreats, and fumbles and excuse. “We’re just leaving!”

“Whose ‘we’?” Barbra asks, breaking out of her trance, floating over to Twilight. “Come on! You HAVE to take one for the team!”

“Barbra!” Twilight whines, “He’s a nutcase!”

“It’s not about this!” Barbra makes imaginary lines appear out of her finger tips as she draws a circle in midair, “Or this!” She draws a triangle. “It’s all about THIS!” She draws a rectangle.

“That’s incredibly vague!”

"Oh no, Madame, I insist!” The stallion puts on the most serial killer – like face one a mother could love—quote on quote. “And I will not take no for an answer.”

“I need an adult…” Twilight mumbles as she sits on a stylist chair that came out of somewhere.

“I am an adult!” the stallion says, getting ready to style.

(what is it with Twilight and her luck of finding a Farm Boy, a jerk-ass, and a psycho all in one day?!)

As Elusive styled Twilight’s mane in multiple different fashions, Twilight decided to keep her usual mane-cut, they had a bit of a chin wag.

Not what you’re probably thinking, it means they had a bit of a chit-chat.

It sounded more or less like a test, to Twilight, and it only managed to shut her up further than any of the two colts she met so far.

Of course, the white unicorn never pried and respected her silence on certain questions—especially about the ear.

Twilight learns that the stallion’s name is Elusive, and regarding Twilight’s bet for him being a bender is completely irreverent now.

“I don’t remember catching your name, darling,” Elusive says.

“Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight answers, allowing him to completely comb and brush her mane to a sheen.

“Ms. Sparkle, I faintly remember your name,” Elusive continues, “Is it okay if I call you Ms. Sparkle?”

“As long as it’s not Sparkler, or eggplant, or egghead, I’m easy,” Twilight shrugs, “Honestly, being called in a professional manner isn’t exactly the worst thing to happen to me so far.”

“Yes, such ruffians like Rainbow Blitz or Applejack are in no right to treating a lady right!” Elusive clucks his tongue, which is a noise Twilight instantly despises now but decided not to interrupt because of that reason.

“I beg your pardon?” Twilight quips up, deciding to keep quiet of the fact Elusive practically forced Twilight into a mane-cut. “Applejack wasn’t completely off his rocker as Rainbow Blitz—I say,”

Twilight coughs into her hoof, “or as you”

“Sorry, I was concentrating on something different, is your dragon okay?” Elusive looked up to see a STILL floating dragoness with hearts replacing eyes. “She’s a little… how do I say… being weird…”

Twilight coughs again into her hoof, “and bob’s your uncle”

“She’s fine, her name’s Barbra,” Twilight shot a glare, “I’m lucky she isn’t a boy.”

“Why’s that?” Elusive asks.

“She’d be raping your leg,”

GOD DAMMIT TWILIGHT, YOU AND YOUR STUPID WORDS.

“Oh my—that’s… not something you’d hear every day.” Elusive awkwardly replies.

“Cor blimey…” Twilight mumbles, “I’m sorry, I’m just not use to talking to… erm… other individuals of my own race…”

“Oh, it’s quite alright darling!” Elusive coughs awkwardly into his hoof, “It just caught me off guard, that’s all!”

“Sorry…” Twilight chuckles forcefully, “I panic sometimes under pressure and would say the first thing that goes to my mind…”

“…meaning you were thinking about Barbra doing a horrid deed on someone’s leg?” Elusive raises an eyebrow, “Again, not something I hear every day…”

“That’s irreverent,” Twilight feels a blood vessel popping from the sheer amount of awkwardness spewing from her mouth. “So I pretty much spoke about myself, what about you – could you tell me about yourself, rather?”

“Well, since you asked, I’ve always wanted to live among nobles in Canterlot!” Elusive sighs dreamily, “Riches aside, I want to talk with like-minded ponies – conversations that only they have, but most of all: my dream of finding the perfect bride!”

“That sounds lovely!” Twilight actually gives a real smile, for the first time in the day.

“Mm-hmm, but the only thing stopping me is how fair it would exactly be on my friends here if I just up-and abandoned them,” Elusive sprays something in Twilight’s hair, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“Right—”

“I have recently gotten another goal, however,”

“Pray tell?”

“Of being the best of mates with you, Ms. Sparkle,” Elusive gives a sly smiles, and Twilight offers a small half-smile back.

“Well that sounds love—wait a second…”

Processing.

TwilightSparkleAlarm.exe fully functioning and online.

Status:

RED FLAGS!

RED FUCKING FLAPPY FLAGS!

NOT PENALTY FLAGS.

REDDER THAN FUCKING BLOOD FLAGS.

“You don’t have a Canterlis Accent…” Twilight’s smile drops and an alarm siren echoes throughout her head.

Twilight shoots up from her seat and snatches Barbra from the air. “Oh bloody nora! Do you see the time! WEDON’TWANTTOBELATEFORTHEPREPERATIONSTHATIAMNOTATTENDINGOKAYGOODBYEANDGOODRIDDANCE!!”

One mindset Twilight had in mind.

RUNNING

HELL

AWAY FROM THIS WHACKO OF A STALLION!!

Or until she ran out of breath.

“I should… have… paid… attention in P.E!” Twilight regrets so hard, her heart beating so fast and lively – her mangled ear was feeling pulses. “UGH!” Twilight holds her chest, feeling the beats of the heart.

“Don’t have a heart attack now!” Barbra leans over Twilight’s head, “This will teach you to not work out, ya lazy squish!”

“Bite me, I’m trying my hardest not to flip out here,” Twilight retorts, panting. “It’s been one hell of a day! I just want some peace and quiet now, maybe a cuppa, but that’s just the rambling of a mare tired of other species of my own race.”

“So, should we skip the next thing on the list then?” Barbra asks, even though she knows the answer.

“No!” Twilight rubs her chest, a light headed feeling approaching her head. “Solaris will hang me by his bloody beard if he finds out I skipped a block!”

“Really?”

Twilight snorts. “Of course not, but you’ll be swinging.”

“You cheeky…” Barbra begins but shakes her head, realizing that their bickering will only go back and forth. “What is the next thing on the list?”

“Music… huh… you’d think they’d get Treble Clef to do that task,” Twilight comments, moving to a swift and nervous trot.

And for the sake of time, they found who they were looking for.

And unlike the Unexpected Love Live, Twilight didn’t fall head over tit for the yellow stallion, however, Twilight would admit that he looks even closer to a geek than Twilight does.

For one, he wears glasses, which Twilight found ABSOLUTELY Adorkable. Another thing was his voice, which is soft and light on her ear instead of the booming and rugged voice of Blitz or The loud and close Applejack.

While trotting up to the stallion, Twilight clears her throat – preferably a raw voice from talking for so long. This action successfully scares away the stallion’s birds, leaving feathers in their wake.

Also the stallion, he clings to a tree branch high in the air with a yelp – his glasses tilted almost off of his face, but was held up by the force or something like that. The branch shivers and shake like a shitty Ybox controller, that, or a Nintendon’t 69 Rumble Pak.

The stallion lasts up there for a minute before the branch snaps, because of the weight of the stallion. Twilight looks on with disdain now, if it wasn’t annoyance panging through her head then she doesn’t know what.

“You don’t think that was even a LITTLE of an overreaction?” Twilight deadpans, looking over the yellow stallion’s body. Twilight picks up the stallion’s glasses with levitation, landing the glasses into her hooves. “Blimey, I thought I was bad.”

“Sorry,” The stallion quickly gets up, brushing the dirt off of his coat. The stallion faces a bench, as if Twilight was there. “I didn’t expect company, or an audience…”

“I’m over here, mate,” Twilight taps the stallion on the shoulder, causing the stallion to flinch slightly. “C’mon you, get your glasses on.” Twilight carefully places the glasses onto his snout, his pupils contracts in focus before relaxing. “Much better, I’m Twilight Sparkle.”

The stallion’s cheeks go red at the proximity of the two, literally inches from each other. Twilight notices this and quickly backs up, an awkward silence falling over them.

“…” The stallion says, keeping his jaws wired shut.

“…” Twilight replies, biting her tongue to avoid shouting out a random answer on Quantum Physics.

“Butterscotch,” The stallion answers softly, finally too-writing silence is too easy to write and boring to read. Mostly into the deaf ear of Twilight Sparkle.

“Sorry?” Twilight flicks her bad ear, “That ear doesn’t work, don’t ask—won’t tell.”

“Oh, sorry,” The stallion blinks, a flustered look shooting across his face. “It’s—” He mumbles.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight leans in closer, left ear on full alert.

“No, it’s—OH MY GOODNESS!! IS THAT A BABY DRAGON!!??” Fluttershy shouts, causing Twilight to reel back in a sharp-like pain-trance.

“WAGH!” Twilight wails, she holds her only good ear as it rings it’s painful high pitch wail. Twilight rubs her ear gingerly, it starts to throb lively.

“Sorry!” The stallion goes back to his normal level of volume, “It’s Butterscotch,” He turns back to the dragon. “I never seen a baby dragon before! What’s your name? What can you say about dragons!”

“Barbra,” Says the dragoness dryly, picking her teeth. “What are you, writing a book?”

“Oh, yes!” The stallion makes a squeak, exactly like you’d expect out of a toy. “I love to make archives of the different species I seen, I’ve never seen a dragon before!”

“I think I figured that out,” Barbra retorts, “Well, if you want my life story – I’m more than happy to chat.”

“No need, I’ll be heading home,” Twilight says, walking in the direction of the address printed on the back of the Eviction Notice. “Enjoy your chat, I wouldn’t mind an eternal night anymore. Good day.”

“It all started when Twilight didn’t pay attention to Solaris…” Barbra begins, which halts Twilight in her tracks. Twilight’s dead ear twitches, even though she can’t feel it. “About the Muffin Mare…”

I will buck you off of my back, I swear to the father of Solaris, if you share that slander I will send you to the stars.

Note to self, kill Barbra in her sleep via Space Rocket zooming into the sun. BECAUSE SHE DID THAT JUST TO SPITE TWILIGHT, AGAIN, THE BETRAYL.

Barbra didn’t leave any details, any of them, pretty much telling everything about Twilight to this stallion that they just met.

“And that’s everything leading up to today.” Barbra finishes, smugly grinning at Twilight.

“I never knew this red plumber saved you, he must be a real hero!” Butterscotch says softly, but eagerly to speak to Twilight because of OUT OF CHARACTER CHARM. “Or about a stallion named Peter, who can spit webs out of his hooves.”

“Me neither,” Twilight really wants to end the conversation, entirely fed up with life. “It’s been really nice to talk, but I need to get ready for eternal night.”

“Aren’t you going to invite him for tea?” Barbra asks, again, condescendingly.

“What’s that?” Twilight points to an empty sky, making Butterscotch turn around.

“I don’t see anything?” The yellow stallion turns around to see a dazed dragon on the ground and a unicorn mare picking him back up. “Oh my! Is he alright?”

“Peachy, but I think she needs a nap,” Twilight coos, “She can’t even keep upright!”

“Sleep is very important for a growing boy,” Butterscotch agrees, “Perhaps we could meet again, Twilight?”

“Soon, (when hell freezes over)” Twilight replies, opening the door to her new house, looking at all of her things just tossed onto the side of the front door. “I swear those guards hate me…”

Twilight enters through the door, flipping on the lights to the dark hollow tree.

Twilight’s heart leaps. “SURPRISE!!!” Ponies yells, left, right, and centered stage. The pink stallion blows a kazoo in Twilight’s face, as if to end the surprise.

All eyes were on her. All of them. Staring. Smiling. Applejack and Rainbow Blitz and Elusive and Butterscotch. Every-pony else too.

Heart. Beating. Faster.

Faster.

FASTER.

“Hi! I’M Bubble Berry, but you can call me Bubble like every-pony else! What’s your name!? I hope to be best of friends! WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!” Bubble rambles, and with the marking of his words –out came a poster reading ~~IT’S A GIRL~~ WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!

Twilight huffs, and then puffs, and then bawls her eyes out –racing through the crowd of ponies to reach upstairs.

“….” Bubble Berry didn’t move from, “Maybe she’s just crying tears of joy!”

Barbra raced in the house, waking up from her ‘nap’ “What’s going on…. No… No-ho-ho, you didn’t!”

“Do what?” Rainbow Blitz asks, “What? She has a fear of fun?”

“No, well maybe, but not that!” Barbra sighs, “She doesn’t like attention drawn to her. At all!”

“Yeah?” Rainbow Blitz has yet to put two and two together, “So?”

“That also means she doesn’t like other ponies around her, looking at her, talking to her, or even hearing her all at once!” Barbra points to the party banner, “Congratulations, it’s a girl sobbing her eyes out upstairs.”

“So, party’s canceled?” A stranger asks, receiving groans of dismissal and annoyance in return.

“Not really, just let her ease into it. Have at it, I’ll talk to her later.”

“YAY!” Booms Bubble, “PARTY TIME!”

And indeed it was .

For hours.

And hours.

And then for a couple of seconds break…

And then for an hour.

Throughout the party, Twilight covers her head in a soaked with tears pillow, an attempt to keep the sound out of her mind. Some quiet noise, some mental health, something to shut everything up for just a moment. Twilight wants silence, always wanted it, longed for to be alone without feeling lonely.

The door opens and Twilight gives out a death stare worthy of a remodel of the Death Star. Bubble Berry has a lampshade for a hat, or covering his entire head if you will.

Twilight’s favorite lampshade.

“Hey, snoozy doozy! I was just checking up on you!” The stallion says, “It’s me! Berry Bubble!”

His voice.

Instantly despised.

Twilight remains silent, sighing as she ducks her head back into her pillow. “Just go away, you bugger.”

“Nada! If we’re going to straight-copy the Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine, we might as well do it correctly!” Bubble Berry grins, wearing a sign for a not so shady/obvious sponsership about a soon to be updated storyline. “Anyways, why are you sad? Is it because the Joker’s dead?”

“What?!” Twilight shoots up, fearing an actual dead clown in her new house.

“The clown! He’s dead!” Bubble groans, “Didn’t you pay attention to the comic?!”

“Well, no, because I don’t even realize they still make comics…” Twilight huffs, “Blimey, you scared me for a second!”

“How about a deck of cards? You know how the Germanes sell good things?” Twilight gets a face full of cards, cards of hearts falling from the deck. “Okay, maybe not, but how about magazines? You got Hooters, Cooters, Tutors, Computers!”

“I beg your pardon?!—”

“What I’m trying to say is, I can’t possible scare you!” Bubble strokes his chin as he smokes on a bubble pipe, wearing a tuxedo and a top hat. “Indeed, pip pip, old chap!”

“Where’d you get those?!”

“Party USA, but that’s not important!” Bubble says, “I’m trying to make you feel better, how else would a normal Canterlot Pony would act in Canterlot?”

“WHAT ARE THOOOSE??!!” Twilight points at the tuxedo hoof-shoes violently, never seeing a stallion wear a black dress shoes in ages.

“My crocodile!” The shoe moves, a alligator painted black. “Isn’t she just cute?!”

“WHAT—NO, I AM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RUBBISH! I AM GOING TO – oh... hugging works too…” Twilight has her head pressing into the chest of Bubble, the smell of a bakery invading her nose. Bubble wraps Twilight into a hug.

“A hug fixes everything! Except criminal charges!” Bubble Berry grins. “Now that you’re calm, tell me everything what’s wrong.”

And Twilight did.

“So, how can we fix my problems?” Twilight asks finally.

“Huh? I was focusing on the time.”

“For twenty minutes, I’ve been explaining in detail why this day was crumby,” Twilight mumbles, “Thanks for contributing.”

“I will tell you a story about a really unlucky barnacle,” Bubble Berry says. “Once upon a time, there was a female barnacle named Starlight Twinkle...”

“HEY!”

“This barnacle was so unlucky, that everything she came across of fell in love with her…”

“Please stop,”

“But the barnacle didn’t enjoy attention,” Bubble Berry continues.

“You’re not stopping, are you?” Twilight concludes.

“So she continued to live on life unluckily, (“That’s not even a correct way to word a story!”) that every-pony dies from a meteor.”

“…” Twilight sigh, lowering her head. “That didn’t help at all!”

“Didja think about any pony else?” Bubble Berry smiles, “How they are affected by your mood?”

“What are you trying to say, I’m so confused!” Twilight groans, “I had a better time deciphering Romane Messages than this!”

“Aren’t they unsolvable?” Bubble Berry asks.

“THAT’S THE POINT!” Twilight yells, stuffing her head into the pillow like an ostrich. “Seriously, if you have something sensible to say, say it or go.”

“Well, I tried that route… time to rip off The Unexpected Love Life – again.” Bubble Berry shrugs, “Twilight, what exactly are you going to find under the pillow?”

“my head?” Twilight muffles out.

“Well duh! But what else? You realize that instead of making friends and defeating Nightmare Moon – Er – Night-Terror Knight, you’ve been complaining nonstop about the entire situation!”

“How do you know—”

“Barb spilled the beans,” Bubble admits.

“Figures,” Twilight rolls her eyes. “But you’re right, but..”

“YES?!” Bubble Berry bounces in place.

“I give up,” Twilight says, snuggling up to her pillow. “I’m done with that sod-ish story, It’s a myth and a legend told by millions of ponies of thousands of years. It’s nonsense.”

“But!”

“I didn’t even care about it to begin with!” Twilight rolls on her bed, cocooning herself in her sheets. “I mean, I did, but I stopped.”

“…” Bubble Berry strokes his chin. “You’re just giving up?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Twilight mumbles.

“Why?” Bubble Berry asks.

“You have everything you want, you all do, like motivation that drives you like mindless drones with the promises of everything getting better tomorrow,” Twilight rants/muffles. “You know what I want? Quiet. Peace. Alone time! Not a bloody party!”

“And Eternal darkness for eons of horrible torture and punishment of ponies, causing a great famine for everyone?”

“…If I go to the Celebration and there’s no Night-Terror Knight, I’m going to kill myself,” Twilight emerges from the sheets.

“THAT’S THE SPIRIT!”

Twilight sits there, staring at the curtains, occasionally checking the crowd for her sister but alas, she wasn’t there.

“I’m getting the noose ready,” Twilight says finally, standing up and walking down the aisle – only to be lead back to her seat by an annoyed Rainbow Blitz.

Twilight notices a old colt, not as old as her grandparents but old enough to sport grey hair. The stallion clears his throat. “Fillies and Gentle-colts, welcome to the two-thousandth celebration of the summer sun, I am your reprwsenative – Senator Stallion… sorry for my monotone – it’s too early for me,”

A few ponies chuckle, others give a blank stare as they try to rub the sleep out of their eyes. Twilight broods while Rainbow Blitz waits in anticipation, Applejack chewing on a strand of onion-weed, Elusive watching Twilight diligently, Butterscotch practicing his conducting while the birds do a quick harmonizing.

“BUT, without delay because I need sleep, I introduce our glorious leader: Prince Solaris!” The Senator Stallion cues the curtain fall, but instead of our ponified Mayan sun god – it’s Hitler!

“THE FUCK’S A ‘HITLER’?!” Some pony in the crowd shouts. “WHY IS IT STANDING ON HIS LEGS!?? WHY IS HE SPEAKING SUCH A VIOLET LANGUAGE?!”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home,” Rainbow Blitz stretches his wings and was about to sour, until a booming voice came from beyond the bipedal organism wearing a weird outfit with a seemingly offensive symbol.

“HITLER! WHAT HAVE WE TOLD THEE TO DO?!” Booms a really dark, edgy, and Voldemort-like voice. “BAD HUMAN, THAT’S A BAD HUMAN!”

“Es tut uns leid Vater ...” The human lowered his head, disappearing into smoke, being replaced by Night-Terror Knight.

“HELLO!” Knightly screams, or talks normally but it sounds like a scream. “YOUR LORD AMD SAVIOR IS HERE, PEASENTS, HOWS IT GOING? GOING GOOD?”

“Screw you!” a pony in the crowd screams.

“WHOA, NO NEED FOR ALL THAT HOSTILITY, SQUIRE!” Knightly says, his voice full of friendliness but his appearance and actions are otherwise as he practically snaps the neck of that pony in the crowd with a cloud-mist. “SORRY, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE US. WE JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG!”

“Hey! You killed him!” Rainbow Blitz shoots up. “What the hay is wrong with you?!”

“WE DID?” Knightly asks, condescendingly. “WE WERE HOPING HE WOULD DIE FROM DIRE AIDS, TRULY A SAD SIGHT!”

“Bloody Nora!” Twilight exclaims.

“SO, MUCH LIKE WORLD OF WARCRAFT, NON OF YOU ARE HERE BY CHOICE ANYMORE.” Knightly says, pacing in front of the Ponies. “YOU ARE ALL UNDER MY RULE NOW.”

“What about Solaris?!” Twilight shouts, “What have you done to him?!”

“NOTHING! HE JUST SURRENDED!” Knightly says, “WE KIDDTH YOU NAWT! WE HAVE HIM IMPRISONED!”

Gasps.

“ALSO YOUR PET LIZARD AND BUNNY!”

“Barb?!” Twilight looks behind her to find the rude dragon not on her perch of Twilight’s back. “Oh no!”

“Angel?!” Butterscotch searches frantically. “oh no…”

“OH YEAH!!!” Knightly screams while holding the shift button down. “NOW WE WILL ENGULF YOU INTO ETERNAL NIGHT!”

“You sound like a cool dude, but you’re acting like a dick!” Some pony yells.

“Yeah, man, that’s just, like, fucking mean.” Another pony says in hippie.

“THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE FUCKING EVIL!” Knightly continues to hold down shift because he’s not a capslock nerd. “I WIN. YOU LOSE. NOW ENJOY THE NIGHT, FOR IT WILL FOREVER!”

Forever

Echoes

Echoes.

Echoes

Echoes.

“You’ll never get away with this!” Twilight snarls, receiving a chuckle from Knightly.

“WHO IS GOING TO STOP US?” Knightly uses his cloud-mist to strangle the guards around him. “YOU? WE THINK NAWT.”

Knightly appears in front of Twilight, slyly grinning. “We have other plans for you, cutie.”

“I NEED AN ADULT,” Twilight cries out.

“WE ARE AN ADULT!” Knightly replies, trailing his tongue up Twilight’s jawbone.

“HOOFS OFF MY FUTURE BRIDE!” Elusive screeches, charging ahead, but was met with a ghostly bitch slap from Hitler that will be honored for generations.

Elusive crashes into a wall.

“Oh god, not the Nazi bitch slap!” Bubble gasps, “That’s an equivalent to a poorly timed Holocaust joke!”

Rainbow Blitz gotten a pimp slap from Stalin, while Applejack wrestled Donald Trump to a standstill.

Of course, they disappeared once Knightly taken his place back onto the stage, winking at Twilight. “WAKA WAKA!” Night-Terror Knight escapes, leaving behind a very disturbed and violated Twilight and a lot of dead ponies.

“HEY!!” Roars Rainbow Blitz chasing after the cloud until it somehow outran him and his mare counterpart. “COME BACK HERE YOU PUSSY! FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!”

Rainbow Blitz sees the new unicorn in town that he has a high urge to bang for no reason reason other than the satisfaction of being on top of her?

How else does OTPs happen – the author doesn’t fucking know don’t ask him—

ask the situation.

SMASHING THROUGH TWILIGHT’S WINDOW WITH VIGOR, while the others calmly walk through the front door, RAINBOW BLITZ LANDS IN FRONT OF TWILIGHT AND STARTS INTERROGATION.

“FIRST of all, and to finally be able to say this, are you a spy?!” Rainbow Blitz gets into Twilight’s personal space, looking for hints of the kind of spy-thingies spy kids would wear on spy missions to spy while being spied on by their spy mum and sly dad on a really spy movie.

“I literally had my only thing close to a friend I have taken away from me, of course I’m not a spy!” Twilight deadpans.

“LIKEly story! But that’s something a SPY would say!” Blitz hollers.

“…” Twilight remains silent.

“FIRST, while everyone goes to their loved ones – you go to the library!” Rainbow Blitz accues.

“…because I’m looking up a way to thwart Knightly’s plans of destruction?” Twilight wilts under the attention all five of them giving. “I don’t have any loved ones in Ponyville."

“SOMETHING A SPY WOULD SAY!” Rainbow Blitz shrugs off. “Second! You come into Pontville exactly the same time as Knight! Explain!”

“Coincidence?” Twilight offers.

“I THINK NOT!” Rainbow Blitz says, “MAYBE you win but I’m keeping my eyes on you, you sexy thing.”

“W-what—w-wow okay—creep” Twilight stutters, “Right, anyone has any idea how to stop them?”

Nope.

“Someone?”

Nope.

“Bloody hell, I don’t have all the answers!” Twilight struggles, her mind drawing a blank.

“But yer smart, Ah’m purty sure you can figure it out!” Applejack encourages, “Just use that big noggin of yers!”

“DO IT,” Bubble Berry yells, “JUST. DO. IT.”

“Come on, you fucking egghead! Figure something out with that big brain!” Rainbow Blitz roars.

“Take your time, darling, don’t rush yourself my love~” Elusive encourages.

“I need my angel back, I feel so lost without her…” Butterscotch pleads.

Everything just boils over now.

“E, LOOK FOR ELEMENTS! GOD SAKE LOOK EVERYWHERE!” Twilight’s irises turn red, her coat covered in so much white-hot magic – turns white, and her mane and tail burst into literal fucking fire.

The stallions stare at her, nervousness creeping up their necks.

And then there’s Blitz, with an awkward boner from the sheer amount of badassery that just emits from Twilight.

It takes… no longer than a few minutes of destroying the library to find the book. Twilight had cooled down back to her normal self, and Blitz has too after taking his sweet time in the bathroom to rid himself of that erection.

So they learned one more noble truth: Don’t push Twilight too far or she’ll start whooping some ass.

“Ahh, let’s see,” Twilight flips through. “Some generic poem-rubbish, some facts about Necrosis – ew – Here!”

“Well, the Elements of Harmony seems to be some kind of stone that’s used to banish Knight into the moon.”

“Well, where is it?” Rainbow Blitz questions, “On the moon.”

“Even worse—

The Everfree Forest!” Twilight exclaims.

“That’s just great,” Rainbow Blitz complains, “It should be the moon, at least we can bounce around until we suffacte.”

“Yep, you’ll get mauled and eaten here,” Twilight answers, “I got this.”

“Hold on there, sugarcube, yer not thinking about going - right?” Applejack questions, “You’ll get killed!”

“Point?” Twilight asks bluntly, “That guy has my assistant, no one left behind!”

“So let us come with!” Rainbow Blitz flies, “We’ll pvide backup!”

“Anything that harms my love is going to be destroyed, Blitz, Destroyed.” Elusive glares at Blitz for his ‘sexy’ quote a while back.

“YAY!” Bubble Berry says, “OFF TO NEVERLAND WE GO!”

“F-For Angel…” Butterscotch preps himself, but realizes he’s been left behind. “H-hey!” Butterscotch quickly darts up, flying after them.

“It’s so spooky…” Elusive comments, “Are you sure you don’t need me by your side, my love?”

“ABSOLUTELY SURE,” Twilight looks behind them. “Wait—

“What?!” Rainbow Blitz growls, “You being a chickenshit is going to get us killed!”

“Where’s Butterscotch?” Twilight asks, raising several red flags in each of the five pony’s heads.

Butterscotch bumps into Knightly, who looks at Butterscotch with disdain.

“WHAT ARE THEE DOING HERE!?”

“Oh… you know… um… flying around…”

“FLYING AROUND?”

“flying around,”

“TWARTING OUR PLANS?”

“thwarting your p-plans?”

“ARE YOU?”

“no…”

“GOOD, BECAUSE THAT’LL BE BAD.”

“how bad?”

“WE’D HAVE TO KILL YOU!”

“that’s bad…”

“INDEED!” Knightly looks at the Elements book, noticing it says Twilight on the cover “STUPID VAMPIRE ROMANCE BOOK YOU GOT THERE.”

Butterscotch holds the book closer to himself. “yes… it’s a romance… and nothing else.” Butterscotch added the last bit roughly.

“WELL DUH, THAT’S HOW A ROMANCE BOOK WORKS,” Knightly says. “DUMBASS.”

“…”

“….”

“can I, um, help you?” Butterscotch asks, politely telling Night-Terror Knight to fuck off.

“NO, BUT WE CAN HELP YOU…” Knightly strokes the face of Butterscotch, holding a rape-like face.

“I need an adult—OOF!!”

“WE ARE AN ADULT!” Knightly slams his hoof into Butterscotch’s face and then stomping onto his belly, (“ARGH!” Butterscotch screams)knocking him out cold.. “BY THE WAY, WE ONLY HIT THEE BECAUSE OF OUR PENT UP HATE FOR SOLARIS.”

“…”

“TAKE THAT!” Knightly fades into mist as the gang finds him, gasping and sorry for leaving behind poor Butterscotch.

They soon come across a cliff.

“Blizy!~” Bubble says once more, for the soma-thousandth time.

“NOW WHAT?!”

“CONFLICT!” Bubble screams out as the rocks around Twilight crumbles and shatters, sending the sprawling main character screaming for her life.

Applejack dives after her, while Rainbow Blitz flies around and away.

Twilight slides on the land slide, dodging a stick that would have meant her implement and the shitty ending to a promising story. She avoids a rock to not be a squished marecake, all the while screaming.

Applejack practically goes full bad and rides the stick down the mountain, taking the lasso from under his Stetson and swinging it in a impossible fashion. Applejack tosses the lasso and lands it on the rock. Applejack slides as he runs out of time, Twilight approaching the cliff faster than Rainbow Dash can fly.

Applejack grabs hold of Twilight’s hoof firmly with his left hoof, but holds on tight to the rope with his right. Applejack standing on a slant between death and a rock. Applejack tries to pull up, but the rock threatened to drop they candy asses to the ground by wiggling.

“Hey Applejack!” Bubble says over the cliff.

“WHAT IN TARNATION IS SO IMPORTANT?!”

“I figured out what the rock is cooking!” Bubble Berry said, “And that’s a really awkward romance happening between you two!”

“WHAT?!” Twilight yells.

The rock opens up a mouth, “IF YOU CAN SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *GASP* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL-AH!” The rock abuses the letter E, “WHAT THE ROCK, IS COOKING!”

“Why must y’all do this now?!”

“BECAUSE THE ROCK SAID SO!!” Bubble screams.

“Twilight! Ah can’t hold on for much longer!” Applejack groans, panting as his muscles start to ache. (“HA!” Exclaims Pervy Sensei) Applejack looks up to see a blip of blue, “Yer going to hafta let go!”

“LET GO, ARE YOU MAD?!” Twilight screams at Applejack, “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU, but IT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY BUCKING FAR DROP TO ME!”

“Twi’ Ah would never lead you off the right, honest path…” Applejack loosens his grips, his green eyes digging deep into Twilight’s. “Trust me.”

“…I do…”

Damn his pretty eyes…

Applejack forcefully raises his hoof, flinging Twilight off of the cliff’s side, watching with hope as she reaches out for Applejack – who was fighting the strong urge to dive after her – as she disappears from his view.

And for the second time, Twilight slams into a blue meteorite, oh wait, never mind, it was just Rainbow Blitz catching a violently sobbing Twilight. (For this reason, and this reason only,) Blitz didn’t buck her off of him so she could cry into his chest in peace.

Hey, she almost died by someone she should trust throwing her off of a cliff to be caught in probably her enemy’s arms: fucking call the wambulance if you want – let her have this moment to cry.

An awkward silence falls over them, Elusive refusing to leave Twilight’s side – no matter what. Both Blitz and Applejack look at Twilight occasionally, making sure she was alright with her first near death experience. Bubble was carrying the Rock on his shoulders – his name is Dwayne, and Butterscotch still unconscious and riding on the back of Applejack now.

“I spy… with my little eye… something black!” Bubble Berry grins.

“Your eye, if you don’t shut your mouth!” Blitz growls. “This isn’t a game, this bastard killed a dozen ponies already!”

A mist trail catches his eyes and he flares up. “THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT, NIGHT-TAINT WUSS!”

“BLITZ WAIT!”

Rainbow Blitz chases the Mist trail, while the others minus Butterscotch chase after him. Leading them to a decayed bridge.

“BLITZ, YOU HARDHEAD WAIT FER US!” Applejack screams, “We can’t cross this bridge!”

“HES NOT GOING TO GET AWAY!!” Blitz enters the Mist, panting and snorting pure venom. “COME OUT!”

A swift buck to the sides struck Blitz, into the awaiting hooves of a pony that lacked heat. The pony behind Rainbow Blitz held him in a full nelson, little did they know Rainbow Blitz is actually a black belt in Kung Fu. (Look it up on CMC chronicles)

Rainbow Blitz slams the back of his head into the pony holding him in a submission hold. Rainbow Blitz frees his foreleg and he bends down to flip the pony over his shoulder before slamming his hoof onto the temple of the pony. Rainbow Blitz shoots back up onto his hind legs, wings flapping furiously, his arms in defense.

Another pony tries to charge him, but receives a joint to the neck and a one way trip to the rapid rivers below. Rainbow Blitz slams his hoof rapidly into the chest of another pony, then finishing the fake pony with an uppercut.

“YOU MANAGE TO DEFEAT TWO OUT OF THREE SHADOWBOLTS!” Knightly proudly exclaims “AND THE OTHER ONE IS NOW DROWINING IN THE RAPIDS! GOOD WORK!”

Rainbow Blitz aims a jab to Knight, but Knight merely slams his hoof into Blitz’s stomach – sending the black belt to his side, coughing and sputtering in pain. “God dammit, I didn’t plan that at all!”

“WHICH IS WHY WE DON’T KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!” Knightly chuckles, “WE HAVE AN OFFER TO MAKE YOU!”

“I’ll kill you!” Another attempt to attack, Rainbow Blitz slams into a tree – which breaks in half – and then flips onto the ground painfully.

“YOU WILL DIE TRYING,” Knightly warns. “LISTEN TO MY OFFER BEFORE I TOSS YOU IN THE RAPIDS!”

“Ask away—!” Blitz says, dazes.

“JOIN US, THE SHADOWBOLTS, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL RULE.”

“Fuck you, you laughed at your own man’s death – who the fuck does that?!” Blitz growls, “Why should I give you my loyalty when you offer none?”

“DAMNED IT YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON’T!”

“You drive a very hard bargin,” Rainbow Blitz sat up. “Kill me then, because I refuse to turn my back on those who need it the most—

“WE NEED IT THE MOST!”

“Fuck you!” Blitz spits on the hooves of a demon and receives being slammed into the ground multiple times. “Ow – that hurt – a lot...”

Blitz plays dead, leading to Knight to move on.

“God dammit, I’m going to rut that fucking nerd so hard when I get out of this forest…” Blitz ties up the bridge, leading to the others following.

“Blitz! You alright?” Twilight asks first, looking over his various of injuries. Especially the bruising mark on his cheek, because she ends up pecking him on the cheek. “Thanks for mot deserting us.” She whispers.

“FUCK. YOU.” Loudest whisper ever.

Pretty much cut and copy from the show, just a bit of awkwardness. Also, Twilight slips ahead, wising to put an end to this NOW.

Twilight enters the castle, her hooves clicking against the chilly cobblestone. “Gee, it’s cold...”

“BUT IT IS HOT NOW! YOU HAVE WALKED IN, MY LOVE.” Knight simply tosses the elements at Twilight’s hooves, each of them smashed to smithereens. He sits on the throne, smiling diligently. “COME! SIT WITH YOUR KING, MY QUEEN! WE HAVE A LOT TO RULE! AND A LOT OF SEX TO DO.”

“…” Twilight feels her eye twitching. QUICKLY gathering the elements. “no…”

RED FLAGS.

“…NO GOD,” Twilight screams. “NO GOD PLEASE NO. NO. NO!"

Knightly waited.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

One sided battle later, a defeated Twilight is held by the neck of Knight’s whip, being strangled. While her friends are powerless to do except watch. The Knight stands over Twilight, hoof on her belly, he whispers sweet nothing into the deaf ear, occasionally biting it but Twilight can’t feel the ear.

The world around Twilight becomes fuzzy, unfocused, her head screaming for oxygen but lungs unable to supply. Twilight’s face feels strained as she loses consciousness.

Butterscotch flips through the book, a caption under the unicorn spell. “that’s convenient...” Butterscotch speaks the language, which is dead by tongue so writing it would be the same purpose as drawing a dick on an animal.

The elements start to glow.

“AY!” Knight screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“what am I doing?!”

“THWARTING OUR PLANS?!”

“thwarting your plans?”

“ARE YOU?!”

“…” Butterscotch considered his answer. “yes.”

“….WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!”

Twilight and the gang them their strength replenished as the Elements start circling around each of them, and you heard this song and dance before.

The book flares as Butterscotch becomes the first Pegasus to ever cast a spell, fixing the Elements and restoring them to their proper form. The light emitting from the book shines off of Butterscotch’s glasses, making his eyes appear white.

Twilight’s eyes, however, became white as the Element of Friendship—

“Magic,” Bubble argues with the author, successfully breaking the fifth wall. “I’m not going to be friend-zoned and completely stray from any sort of continuity because you want to be refreshing! Stick to the manuscript!”

//My manuscript tells me that it should end here, Bubble, with all of you being friend-zoned.\

“DRAW UP A NEW ONE!” Bubble yells, knocking on the monitor of the Author's screen. “HAVE HER END UP WITH ME”

//since you asked so nicely, I’ll draw up another manuscript, it might take me a second\

The jeopardy theme song plays.

//Done, you spoiled shit\

“YAY!!!”

Twilight’s eyes, however, became white as the last element adorns her head – surging her magical tenfold. It was the Element of Magic.

With the combined effort, they banished Knightly into the same place Cotton Eye Joe came from.

Solaris appears behind them. “My plan, has, been, successful!” The sun god thinks for a second. “I HOPE, that sort of blast kind-a killed Sin.”

“Solaris!” Twilight exclaims as she runs into the Stallions embrace, which there was no embrace to run into so it was more like a surprise hug you’d give your dad.

“Crickey, Twilight! My back is as awesome as it is ever, but not my heart!” Solaris chuckles, rubbing Twilight’s mane. “Don’t get choked out next time, I thought I had to intervene!”

“Wait—what?” Twilight pulls away from her mentor to give him a look of disbelief, “You didn’t…”

“What, I’ve been ruler for this long and non of you even questioned the idea of me sending her to specifically Ponyville?” Solaris grins, a mischievous look staining his noble face. “I planned the entire thing. Every detail.”

“Exactly how accurate was the plan?” Twilight asks, “Because he killed some ponies!”

“Nope, all Night-Terror who done the deed…” Solaris says darkly, “I shouldn’t have let them get murdered, that’s my mistake and I’ll lag for it myself.”

“Where do you think you’re going, bucko!?” Blitz pins a stallion, only an inch shorter than Twilight, “I’ve got half a body throbbing in pain because of you, lets see you speak your wiseass retort when I knock the sense out of you!”

“Rainbow Blitz, release him!” Solaris commands, his comedic tone dropping. “You will not lay a harming hoof onto my brother!”

“brother—what wait… hold on…” Twilight feels like a spiral going through her head. “I… don’t understand…”

“Me either, yer highness…” Applejack agrees, sitting as confused as ever. “Ah thought you were an only child?”

“NOPE,” Solaris, again with the childish tone masking his noble one. “As the Element of Honesty, you should have determined that to be a lie.”

“So this guy’s just going to walk?!” Blitz still holds the smaller Knight in his hooves. “He’s a psycho, he doesn’t belong in the same world as us…”

“His name is not Night-Terror Knight! It’s Artemis!” Solaris separates Rainbow Blitz and Artemis, who was now looking at all six stallions plus one mare staring at him. “A if there’s anyone you should be mad at, it should be me.”

“Why you?” Bubble asks, “It was him who was such a meanie pants!”

“He lived his entire life in my shadow,” Solaris says darkly, “These kinds of things will manifest if you let it grow in your mind, it’ll make your heart dark.”

Artemis looks at Twilight occasionally, both ponies quiet throughout the entire discussion but somehow they shared a connection that seems to bind them through the only constant they have.

Exactly damaged like Twilight, but in his own way.

Forced to slip on the shadow to avoid the glare of reality, because the real world’s cold. It’s bright.

But too bright for some, more than others.

“Did you hear me, Twilight?” Solaris notices her gaze into space.

“Oh, uh, not really...” Twilight looks up. Barbra’s asleep on her back, Angel asleep on Butterscotch’s arms.

“You still have a lot to learn about friendship…”

NO.

“so from here on out…”

NO.

“you will remain in Ponyville…”

OH GOD WHY.

Author's Note

Refrence Drinking game, for evwry reference you get, take a drink.

Dawn Guard Saga |One Unfavorable Morning|

Author's Note

Okay, so the prologue is pretty much being rewritten when I have time.

Back to the usual writing style.

Dawn Guard Saga |One Unfavorable Morning|

DAWN GUARD SAGA

|Chapter One: ONE UNFAVORABLE MORNING|

By Condescending-Sarcasm

“Blast it!” Twilight swears, rattling the locked door to her house. Twilight had left the keys inside of the library, which also acts as her house. Her house is the Golden Oaks Library, which is a library and also her house. Twilight chose this house because no other house looks interesting enough to hold all of her delectable books, that, and she’s the main character so she gets whatever she wants.

*//Did the narrator also mention it’s her house?\*

*//We had to fire the old narrator we had for the ‘Friendship is Awkward’ chapter/pilot/prologue as he did a terrible job of telling the story arc. He’s currently suing for an undisclosed amount of money, even though we have no money after being sued by Vengeful Spirit.\*

It's a few weeks and a half after the whole Night-Terror Knight situation and it’s been relatively quiet, peacefully busy the town of Ponyville is despite being on the verge of death and destruction. Like the My Little Pony version of Townsville; no matter what happens, it’s always keep calm and carrying on – like that iconic poster in Canterlot.

Ponyville, Townsville, what are the odds?

What is Canterlot? A town where the Princes resides, looking over the lands in a structurally impossible castle right, by an even bigger waterfall. Canterlot, breaking the fourth wall for reasons of getting the point across, is the MLP adaptation of Great Britain – which is why Twilight has a British accent.

*//Hi again, it’s the author. I’m sure you’re either not laughing at the references I’m making or down-voting the story because it’s a straight rip off, I’d down-vote it too because I’m a terrible author… but enough of my self-deprecation and onto a unwanted explanation: It’s called a Canterlis accent, because saying Cantish accent sounds like an insult.\*

Where’s Barbra? Barbra’s staying at Butterscotch’s house to help the yellow shy stallion work on his archive. Why isn’t she swooning over Elusive, as usual? Twilight has no clue. A stallion who writes a book for every species on the planet is something to keep an eye on, the book, not the stallion – although Butterscotch is quite adorable.

HOWEVER, Butterscotch is quite scary when you piss him off. How do you piss off the one stallion who is seemingly un-pissing off-able? Either the obvious go into his shed, which is just full of tools, or go into his backyard without permission. What does he do when you go into his backyard?

One time, a bear entered his backyard—looking to eat Angel. Butterscotch tried to calm the bear down and lead him away, but the bear gets into his backyard. Butterscotch straight-up snapped the motherfucker’s neck, like he’s done it before.

//I don’t think you understand, he snapped a bear’s neck. A bear. You try even being NEAR a bear and that son of a bitch will maul you to a carcass.\

TL; DR—don’t go into his shed, at all. Ask permission before going into his backyard or he’ll go Agent 47 on your candy ass.

Twilight tries again to open the door, hoping that the true meaning of insanity wasn’t being applied to the current situation. It didn’t budge.

Twilight leans her forehead onto the door, feeling the urge to buck the door down – however rich she is, she doesn’t want to go all NY Police Department on her house and spend hundreds of bits on a replacement of her door.

Its mahogany wood, you can only get that shit in the Griffon Kingdom. The Griffins, despite their kingdom being called Griffon with an ‘ON’ instead of an ‘IN’, tend to eat ponies who even breathes in their air the wrong way.

Yeah, it’s pretty expensive.

“Bloody nora!!” Twilight yells her soon-to-be annoying catchphrase, banging on the door. Twilight backs away from the door, unable to get inside. “How do you even get locked out of your own house and leave the keys. INSIDE?!”

Twilight groans, “I could pull a Rainbow Blitz and smash through the window…” Twilight shakes her head at this. “I’ll get hurt, glass shards are a bugger to get out.” Twilight sits down on her haunches, hoof pressed against her chin firmly.

A remedy to this situation, maybe she could open her window inside? Twilight looks upwards, towards her window, and grimaces. It’s a pretty long climb up, falling would either be The Universe’s fatality or a very awkward trip to the Emergency Room.

“Bugger it,” Twilight hisses, feeling herself betraying her own character. “I’ll go… ugh…” It’s a hard word to say for Twilight, as Twilight spent all her free time inside reading. Not preforming scientifically irresponsible experiments – those are on Saturdays only – or fucking up a very important spell because of the Pink Tasmanian Devil; those are on a Monday, Twilight hates Mondays.

The magical word was, socialize. Twilight gags at the thought, pretty much not liking anyone in this god damned town. Twilight isn’t her canon self, meaning her character development isn’t instantaneous – she’s a loner and a loner she will be. Because of this, she doesn’t know how to have a conversation without fucking up.

“I guess I’ll go check Myspace…” Twilight says grimly, walking towards town center. Twilight approaches a mailbox, with Myspace’s logo graffiti tagged on the side. There’s a lot, Twilight means a lot of cobwebs on it.

Twilight Sparkle flares up her horn in a magical aura, logging onto the ancient forum system. “A lot of messages… okay… let’s look…” Twilight deadpans, skimming over the majority of them.

“They’re all asking me for sex, great,” Twilight looks at her brimming friend-request, none of them new since every-pony doesn’t use Myspace anymore. Oh Tom, you automated bastard, you’re Twilight’s only friend who doesn’t mock Twilight or flirts.

Sometimes, at the same time.

“Hey how you doin’, sexy egghead?” A rugged voice flirts/mocks at the same time above, Twilight looks upwards with a glare. “You still on Myspace? My god, you’re fucking uncultured.”

“The way you flirt is shameful,” Twilight growls. Remember when the narrator said she has friends? Scratch that, she has no friends, Butterscotch and Applejack are the only ones who gets the title of Associate.

“What do you want, cluck-head?” Twilight scowls, crossing her forelegs across her chest. “I’m busy.”

“Busy looking at a dead website,” Rainbow Blitz retorts, still leaning over the cloud he stands on. “Seriously, switch over to Facebook – and no, you Canterlis bookworm-y shit, there’s no books.”

That foul-mouth is Rainbow Blitz, Twilight’s worse pony that she’s ever met and the Element of Loyalty. Rainbow Blitz somehow picked up that Twilight hates attention, when she cried in front of her surprise party, and he pretty much flirts with her nonstop. He knows Twilight hates it, but he does it anyways.

“Why are you bothering me?” Twilight asks, closing the website VIA discharging her magic. “Why today? Can’t you see I’m already having a bad day without you breaking my property/brain cells?”

“Because I feel like it,” Rainbow Blitz shrugs, “What? You’re going to tell the guards on me?”

“I should!”

“…” Rainbow Blitz stays silent for a second, flicking his right year. Twilight waits, then turns around to walk away. “Fuck the police, coming straight from the underground.”

“The what?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just quoting a song I heard,” Rainbow Blitz shook his head, “Anyways, what are you doing out of your grave? I thought you died.”

“Not yet, not for a long time I hope,” Twilight replies awkwardly, trying to leave the conversation but Rainbow Blitz follows her by flying. Twilight walks faster, hoping to dissuade the fastest thing alive from chasing her.

“Stop following me!” Twilight whips around, glaring at Rainbow Blitz. “It’s creepy!”

Rainbow Blitz feigns a gasp, landing next to Twilight. “Do my ears perceive me?! Is the one and only Twilight Sparkle, the most awkward pony since Butterscotch, telling me to fuck off?”

“Yes!” Twilight exclaims, “Go away, do something worthwhile! On your bike you go!”

“I don’t have a bike, is one of your eyes as bad as your right ears?” Rainbow Blitz retorts, he grins as he continues to mock Twilight. “As smart as you are—OW!! FUCK!!—” Twilight snatches a cane from a limping pony and slams the object between Rainbow Blitz’s legs, hitting his family jewels.

“Sorry, did that hurt?” Twilight asks Rainbow Blitz as he groans and rolls on the ground, giving back the cane to the limping pony. “It meant to shut you up.”

“Yeah it hurt, why don’t you kiss it to make it feel better?” Rainbow Blitz retorts/flirts, he glares at Twilight Sparkle, whom glares back. “Or better yet, use that horn of yours to conjure yourself a male-you and go fuck yourself!”

“As long as it’s not you,” Twilight scoffs, walking away from Rainbow Blitz. Twilight Sparkle mentally smacks herself for coming up with such an awkward reply to what she said. She turns around and walks back to Blitz.

“Sorry,” She says, “For acting like a… erm…”

“Bitch,” Rainbow Blitz finished. “You were acting like a bitch.”

“Yeah, that,” Twilight says, an awkward silence falling between them. “So… can I ask for a favor?”

“As long as it doesn’t involve me taking car—” Rainbow Blitz begins before Twilight cuts him off with an awfully blunt favor.

“I need you to break into my house,” Twilight bluntly says, “I got locked out of my house.”

“What’s in it for me?” Rainbow Blitz asks, feeling like this is a trap. “What do I get in return?”

“Satisfaction of being a Good Samaritan?”

“Fuck your Samaritans,” Rainbow Blitz swears. Rainbow Blitz thinks for a second before sighing, he speaks again. “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Blitz walks to the Golden Oaks Library silently, neither of them talking. This is pretty much the good side of Rainbow Blitz that Twilight’s ever seen, his loyalty, his drive to help those who need him the most. Twilight, being locked out of her house, is exactly that.

Twilight Sparkle takes a minute to look at him, addressing all of his features. Being an athletic stallion, he is muscular and lean – not as muscular as Applejack or as tall as the said farmer, but still impressive to for a Pegasus. His mane is zig zags, all of them a respective color of the spectrum. His eyebrows zig-zags. Even his tail. Rainbow Blitz has a bandage on his nose, multiple strips on his legs, and a couple on his body.

Approaching the house were two ponies, Earth Ponies, both of them wearing red cloth under their chainmail armor. They hold swords in their sheaths, but the one on the left holds a scroll in his mouth while the one on his right holds his sword handle. Uneasiness fills both Rainbow Blitz and Twilight Sparkle.

“Twilight Sparkle?” The earth pony on the left asks. His voice was hoarse, rougher than Rainbow Blitz’s voice. The chainmail looked chinked, old blood staining the armor, this stallion has been through his fair share of war. The stallion wears an eyepatch as well, the end of a scar piercing his eyebrow.

“Who’s asking?” Rainbow Blitz answers for Twilight, standing in front of her protectively. Twilight silently thanks Blitz before looking back to the two stallions, cladded in armor. “And what’s with the steel?”

“I am Chief Petty Officer First Class, Battalion Vortex. The gentle-colt on my right is Private Fawn.” The stallion on the right declares. Vortex is nicely groomed, his coat a shiny charcoal black, his mane clipped to a buzz cut and covered by a helmet. His voice is strong, as any pony in high rank positions would be, but not prideful. This is odd, Twilight thinks. The stallion on the left has definitely been through more peril, more deserving of either a promotion or a higher rank.

Twilight calls a lie on the recruit bit mentally, why is this Vortex seemingly untouched when the recruit is older and more experienced? “I’m representing the guild of Dawn Guard and the Kingdom of the Sun.”

Twilight’s ear flickers. Does she know what the Dawn Guard Guild is? Yes, it’s the group of soldiers who helps Solaris’s military, The Kingdom of the Sun, fight in wars. Sometimes, they run errands for Solaris. In these errands, they would never send a high rank to do them, so why is he here?

“Yeah? So?” Rainbow Blitz sneers, “What exactly do you two want?”

“We have an arrest warrant – signed by Prince Solaris himself,” Vortex says, beckoning Fawn to come forward with the scroll. Twilight took the scroll and unwrapped it, reading the words for what they hold is the truth.

Twilight’s chest strikes deep, as if an ice cold sword had stabbed her. She continues to read. The scroll was Solaris’s M.O, being tediously long and filled with unnecessary sentences. However, it only truly stings when Twilight reads her name – no charges were listed but it’s still for arrest.

Twilight Sparkle read’s Solaris’s signature over and over and over again, refusing to believe that this happens today – the same time Twilight loses her keys to her house. Today just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

“For Twilight Sparkle,” Twilight grimly finishes, looking back to the two stallions. Twilight’s bad ear flickers subconsciously, Twilight’s breath feels like stones dripping from her mouth, the cold vice capturing her chest.

“Yes ma’am,” Vortex nods his head, he looks at Rainbow Blitz – who snatches the paper from Twilight’s hooves. Rainbow Blitz reads over the paper, despite his limited skill in literacy he still figures out the severity of the words. Vortex’s ready to draw his sword, so is Fawn. “We don’t know what for, all we know is: you’re accused of a crime and we have to escort you to Solaris’s castle for questioning.”

“We would appreciate it if you cooperate, Ms. Sparkle,” Fawn adds, his blue eye filled with anticipation but glossy with hesitance. “We’re aware of your status with Solaris and know of your history, you probably did nothing but it would do you good to come with us.”

“The hell she is!” Before Twilight could speak, Rainbow Blitz answered for Twilight. This time, Twilight silently curses him for that before looking back at the stallions. “She’s done nothing and you can’t prove she did shit!”

Twilight remains quiet, fearful of speaking and drawing attention onto her. She couldn’t let an altercation break out between a Dawn Guard soldier and Rainbow Blitz happen, however, so Twilight quietly, but shamefully, circles around Blitz and sits in front of the stallions. Twilight’s heart echoes in her ear. “I’ll come quietly, but only under one condition – besides the do as you say or get cut down consideration.”

“What is it, fair madam?” Vortex lifts his hoof up, over his shoulder, to silence Fawn – who was going to decline. “We wish naught harm upon you, tell us your wishes – quickly too.”

“I want the Elements of Harmony with me as we travel,” says Twilight, confidence only minimal in her voice. “Applejack, Butterscotch, Bubble Berry, Rainbow Blitz, and Elusive.”

“I’m Rainbow Blitz,” Blitz says, glaring.

“Very well,” Vortex nods his head, flickering his hoof to send Fawn away to round up the ponies. “Fawn, go collect Applejack, Butterscotch, Bubble Berry, and Elusive.”

“Sir, I don’t think—”

“That’s your problem,” Vortex glares, turning to Fawn and baring his teeth at the recruit. “You don’t think, now go get the ponies – that’s an order! On the double!”

Dawn Guard Saga |Really Bad Exposition & Knuckles| (redux)

Twilight’s Unwanted Love Life

By Condescending-Sarcasm

“This is fucking bullshit,” Rainbow Blitz states, his forelegs crossed his chest as he sits in the train cart with the rest of the ponies, or rather the Elements of Harmony. Twilight sits in hoof-cuffs, but doesn’t complain. Butterscotch holds Angel in his arms, Angel glaring at every-pony occasionally. “Twilight didn’t even go outside, how the hell could she have done anything?”

“Only time will tell, Blitz,” Twilight replies dryly, wishing for the silence to come back and save her from a discussion or whine-fest.

“Are you alright, Darling?” Elusive frets, “Did those ruffians hurt you? Is the cuffs on too tight?”

“I’ll live,” Twilight retorts, “Can I read my book in silence now?”

Although, Blitz is right. Twilight thinks, shuffling in her seat. This is rubbish. The Six are in a train, riding towards Canterlot. The train is even better than the commercial train, running on water rather than coal, the loud chug of the wheels were quieter, and the rumbling is almost nonexistent. Like in a shitty Ybox controller.

Twilight reads her book, fear not in her body for she has nothing to fear. Twilight’s been in her house for a while, there’s no possible way she could have committed a crime worthy of the Dawn Guard to be sent out.

Elusive frets over Twilight’s hooves, crying out that their either too tight or that their dirty. Applejack holds his hat over his eyes and naps, but alert. Bubble Berry was, well, being Bubble Berry.

“So, who are these ‘Dawn Guard’ fellers. Twi’?” Applejack lifts his hat, the farm-pony chews on his strand of onion weed. “They sound mighty bad.”

“Yeah!” Bubble Berry grumbles, “They wouldn’t even let me throw them a party! That’s just mean, those meanie pants are!”

“Well,” Twilight looks up from her book again, thinking for a second. Twilight looks back to Applejack and the rest of the Stallions. “Take the worst possible thing ever, the worst deepest, darkest nightmare that you can create and then combine them together…”

“…Well that’s bad,” Applejack comments.

“And then multiply it by cancer,” Twilight finishes, she loses the comedic voice and replaces it with one of seriousness. “These guys are one of the best guilds, they are sponsored by Solaris himself.”

“That’s pretty MLG,” Bubble Berry uncaps a bottle of Mountain Dew, a loud air horn blares out from the hiss of the carbonation being released. Twilight was about to question until she remembers, there’s no fighting crazy. Twilight rolls her eyes before going back into her book, reading about the Detective with hyperactive disorder who also is a serial killer.

What a good book.

It’s been a while since Solaris questioned his apprentice about the crime, about a day and a half. Twilight did not do the crime (shock), but that means one other suspect lives on. Memorial Dancer, a stallion who disappeared after the time of the murder took place.

Twilight Sparkle was named a suspect after an extensive longshot for a name to be hunted for. Twilight Sparkle was claimed to be the last person to see the victim before death. However unlikely it seems, Solaris would rather bother Twilight than be tit-for-tat.

Which means he comes up with bugger all. Solaris and Artemis sits on their throne, waiting for Twilight and her friends’ arrival to his court. Not court in a sense of investigation, Twilight was cleared of all charges, but it would be better if The Elements of Harmony were aware of the situation at hand (or hoof).

“It’s pretty straight forward, she did not kill Vigor Valance,” Solaris scratches his cheek, leaning on his pimp throne. “That only leaves one other suspect, and I’m not liking the chances of this investigation looking to be solved.”

“Why was Twilight ever a suspect, dear brother?” Artemis questions, sitting on his less than pimp-like throne. “We thought she was not even one to hurt a fly unless she’s really angry. It’s unlike her to be prone to rage.”

“That’s my fear,” Solaris answers, he turns to his younger brother with a grim look on his face. “I fear that one day, Twilight might become unstable.”

“What makes you say that?” Artemis asks. Solaris honestly didn’t have an answer for that, so he quickly scratches up a dodge to the question, if it worked or not is up to Artemis’s response.

“Whatever happened to her ear completely changed her outlook of those around her, her own kind actually,” Solaris feels uncomfortable now, wishing for the discussion to end. “Although, she’s no different than before the ear incident, but I can see it in her eyes – something I don’t like.”

Artemis blinks, “What?”

“Pain,” Solaris answers, all childlike humor drained completely from his noble voice. “I believe she feels pain, not physical or emotional, but mentally. Growing up with one ear functional and the other mangled, no one would look at Twilight and see what I see now.

They saw a damaged little lass, and the other little kiddies wouldn’t even dare go near Twilight.” Solaris continues, Artemis listening with great attention. “She didn’t grow up alone on choice, she was shunned out. Made to believe that she likes to be alone, and I don’t know if this is true, but I think she pretends to like it to NOT feel isolated.”

“Almost like me…” Artemis compares, which lead to a short nod form Solaris.

“Instead of letting it manifest, like you did, Twilight works together with it,” Solaris continues on with his very long, almost surpassing Metal Gear Solid 4 cut scene long, dialog.

“Solaris, what happened to her ear, Solaris?” Artemis asks again, his hoof pressed firmly into his chin. Again, Solaris did not have an answer to this question. The simplest thing is to completely dodge the question. “Why is her right ear mangled and her absolute silence about it?”

“I wish I knew,” Solaris looks upwards before focusing on his courtyard. Of course, Solaris knows he’s holding information from himself – information that’s buried in the crevices of his mind. “I can tell you, it had left magical burns.”

“She was attacked?” Artemis gasps. Solaris shakes his head, his head fills to the brim with even more questions than any of his educational guesses could ever answer. Solaris looks down, his greenish-blue eyes wavering as he silently vexes himself for his inability to answer the most trivial things possible – How much has Twilight truly suffered during her years of isolation? What happened to her ear? Why is does she pipe down whenever someone questions the ear?

And if she was attacked, who attacks a foal for no good reason?

“No, maybe, I hope not...” Solaris shrugs grimly, his face twists. The idea of her being purposely attacked hadn’t popped in his mind. It seems likely, but there wouldn’t be any reason to attack a filly… be mindful of how this event took place before Twilight became Solaris’s apprentice “...maybe, we’ll never know unless she truly opens up.”

“So what do we do in the mean time?” Artemis asks, but doesn’t really ask – as if he’s stating the obvious two plus two equals four to a mathematician. Solaris looks over to his brother and grins.

“We could always try working out?” Solaris says with his childlike glimmer in his eyes. Artemis rolls his eyes, a small smile pinning itself on his thin lips.

“You’ll get a hernia, fat-so,”

“Says you, Mooncake!” Solaris bickers back, playfully. Artemis catches a blush to the face, poking his own belly, it didn’t exactly jiggle but it isn’t as hard as Solaris’s abs.

(Abs, considering he pops cakes like Mentos)

“What has been said, does not leave between us,” Solaris says after a while. It was common sense for a private discussion between two rulers to remain private, however, something about this topic deemed it necessary to add the call for silence. “My worries are that of a old man looking out for his student. Any mentioning of this would only add pressure on Twilight.”

“I understand, dear brother,” Artemis places his hoof on Solaris’s hoof, Solaris doesn’t feel him however – his brother’s touch is numb to the worrying immortal. The immortal they called an unwavering god worried about the fate of a mere mortal – an apprentice that’s meant to make history. “I have another question.”

“Blimey, are you writing a book?” Solaris gives Artemis a sly smile, his eyes shining in childish humor. “Go on.”

“If the history books recall, the last apprentice you ever picked was Starswirl,” Artemis looks ahead, his brow furrows in confusion. Solaris, for the third time, drops his smile in place of masking a face of alarm. “Why pick Twilight, after centuries of Starswirl’s unfortunate passing, surely there was even more powerful unicorns.”

“…that’s a question that has no answer,” Solaris lies, “I picked Twilight Sparkle because of her potential, that’s the story and that’s the truth.”

“That was a avoidance of our question,”

“Omission,”

“—is still lying,” Artemis argues, but doesn’t raise his voice. Solaris remains quiet, making Artwmis realize he was going nowhere. “I sense a hidden meaning, but I will not pursue.”

“Sword-Striker!” Solaris calls put, his horn aura amplifying his voice like a megaphone. Sword-Striker appears in front of Solaris after entering through the front door. “Where the bloody hell is Twilight, she was supposed to be here yesterday!”

“Milord,” Sword-Striker is a mare, unlike the preceding presidents of the Dawn Guard Guild who were male. Sword-Striker wears her armor, which is a metal plated armor over leather–covered chainmail. Sword-Striker’s horn was chipped off, a nub, rendering magic useless. Despite the injury, Sword-Striker seems to take care of her hygiene and doesn’t have a trace of scars on her face. She holds her helmet to her side, her sword in her sheathe, she bows to Solaris and Artemis, her blonde mane hangs over her green eyes. “Lord Twilight has been questioned, however, it is recommended she remains in custody overnight.”

“I dispute,” Artemis leans up, irritation filling his face. “I shouldn’t be here, I have nightfall to prepare for, not wasting my time for Twilight to arrive and be left in the dark about it.”

“Our guild took a vote, milord, to let Twilight stay in a cell overnight incase of conviction,” Sword-Striker replies with tact. Artemis seems unpleasant with this answer, but a look from Solaris cancels his reply. “It was unanimous.”

“I don’t want to be serious, but I have to today,” Solaris raises his hoof, allowing Sword-Striker at rest. “That was not your task, President Sword-Striker. Please explain why a vote was held to keep a innocent pony in captivity in the first place.”

“You see, milord, whilst Ms. Sparkle came willingly,” Sword-Strike’s bearing is phenomenally textbook, no eye contact, replying with ‘milord’ instead of ‘Prince’. “Mr. Rainbow Blitz challenged Vortex, we were not aware of The Elements of Harmony and their status.”

“Sounds like Rainbow Blitz,” Solaris chuckles. “President Sword-Striker, Twilight Sparkle and her company are to be released from your custody. Today.”

Sword-Striker hesitates, but answers firmly. “Yes, milord.”

“Good,” Solaris smiles warmly, “I appreciate you looking out for my safety, however, it will not be unrewarded.”

“Thank you, milord,” Sword-Striker bows once again before turning around and marching out. Either anger or hesitancy controls her steps, her march is off balance. Solaris makes a mental note of it, even though it may mean nothing – it’s probably not even important.

Twilight stares in the mirror, not at the mirror, her ear. The mangled ear taunts her, the paralysis of the ear only makes it more painful for it to be there. Was it pain? It feels more uncomfortable, some feelings weren’t meant to be explained or expressed. The ear splits in three, stitches holding the ear together to prevent the pieces from splitting apart like a banana. Inside of the damaged ear was dried blood, this blood didn’t block any audio however as it only clung to the sides of the ear.

The ear, from the mirror, is covered by Twilight’s mane. Twilight’s face looks uninterested, almost voided of emotions. Twilight’s eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep, but Twilight never feels tired. Twilight didn’t know what she’s looking for in the mirror, or was it something on or inside of her? Twilight’s hoof slides across the mirror, her chest’s reflection. Something felt missing, something that Twilight doesn’t understand.

Twilight Sparkle will scream and brutally murder you if you say love. Twilight doesn’t need love, it’s the reason why so much potential in the world is squandered. Think of all the research that could be done if it wasn’t for love, the answer is a lot of research.

Twilight, however, leaves the bathroom to catch a couple nuzzle each other’s noses. Twilight detests it, but looks along with longing in her eyes. Twilight shakes her head and shoves it back deep in her head, down the pools of purple that was her eyes. Twilight moves on, entering the garrison. The garrison is the quickest way to get into the castle for Twilight and her company.

Why?

Gleaming Shield, the counterpart of Twilight Sparkle. Gleaming Shield is the social butterfly to Twilight’s lone wolf. In a way, Gleaming Shield is a better choice for a mate than Twilight in a evolutionary standard. Everything about the Second in Command, Gleaming Shield, is twice the mare Twilight could think of being.

Even the fucking God of Love swoons over Gleaming Shield, whereas Twilight is just bothered for intercourse. Gross.

Well, the difference for the two sisters is that Gleaming Shield kills enemies. That’s a completely different fucking sport than Twilight plays. Perhaps it’s the amount of badassery Gleaming Shield possess that attracts the stallions, perhaps it’s something else.

Did Twilight live in Gleaming’s shadow? No. Twilight is just jealous of her sister’s concepts of social interaction without twenty-five different ponies asking for sex.

The garrison is something to admire despite the rumors of soldiers living in hard cot beds with dirt and grime being their blankets, the garrison is lively with ponies walking their posts in a military order, bearings unwavering. The floors are cold marble and the walls pine wood planks, decorated with pictures of Veterans, shields, old fashion armor, and the occasional slips of paper with the General Orders on them.

“Twily!” Gleaming Shield’s voice is like honey, but like honey – it makes Twilight sick whenever her nickname is used in such an environment. The environment is a military base of operations, not a daycare. Twilight’s eyes widen at the sight of the Admiral, which is one rank below of Captain & Chief of The Royal Guards. The Admiral is the aforementioned Gleaming Shield, her white fur clean from dirt and grime as usual, blue mane brushed to a shine but held up in a bun, her eyes shine bright at seeing her little sister.

“Hullo,” Twilight says dismissively, hoping to keep any conversation from happening. It’s not that Twilight didn’t like her big sister, it’s more or less the fact Twilight would rather straighten this situation and confusion and be home in time for supper. Gleaming Shield breaks away from her activity, which looked like a really intense game of Jenga, to make her way over to the group.

“Damn, whose that hottie?” Blitz asks Twilight quietly, which earns him a glare from Twilight herself. Before you go assuming it’s jealousy, imagine someone hitting on your sister/brother. Now how uncomfortable that would be if they called your sibling a quote on quote ‘hottie’

“Don’t bother,” Twilight replies sourly, Applejack raises one eyebrow at this but remains his silence. “She’s engaged.”

“God dammit,” Rainbow Blitz huffs, but recovers his bearing. “That’s fine, I can look at two other mares I’d bother…”

Twilight glares again, Rainbow Blitz furrows his eyebrows at Twilight. “Don’t flatter yourself, I’m talking about those two fine twins over there – they’ve been eyeing me since we entered the joint.”

Indeed, Twilight notices two Pegasus twins sizing up Rainbow Blitz. They play with their mane, purposely exposing their neck and inner-wrist of their hooves. Rather unprofessional, flirting with a civvie on the job. Twilight’s dirty look remains in her head, as she doesn’t have the required amount of courage to glare at two mares who would buff-shine their horse shoes to a glass-like gloss with Twilight’s face.

“Um… who is she… if you don’t mind me asking…” Butterscotch fumbles with the Elements of Harmony book, trying to read while also walking at the same time. It’s not working out too well.

“That’s my sister, I’ll go more into detail about it later,” Twilight answers/dodges. “Her name is Gleaming Shield, don’t remember it because we’re not going to stay for long.”

“Would you sing a song about it?!” Bubble Berry pulls out a electronic accordion out of his hair/wazoo/the deep valley of cotton candy/the forbidden forest. “Promise?”

“Absolutely not,” is what Twilight wanted to say, but all that came out was just mumbles and garbles. All Bubble needed to know. Twilight, and company, now stands in front of the second most highest rank of all of the military. Well the third, if you count the Princes.

“Still rocking the awkward silence, eh chum?” Gleaming Shield smiles as she nabs Twilight into a headlock, brushing her hoof across Twilight’s head in a rough manner. Elusive looks livid as Gleaming Shield does this, but it goes unnoticed with the other things the Not-So-Main Character does.

“Nice to see you too,” Twilight mumbles her reply, not even wanting to divert her attention away from her textbook nerd reading. Twilight deadpans at the actions of her older sister, which brings a confused look onto Gleaming Shield’s face.

“Oi, what’s pissed in your tea this morning?” Gleaming Shield asks, practically closing Twilight’s book by forcing her hoof. “You seem like someone poured lemon juice into your nostrils.”

“That’s how she usually looks,” Rainbow Blitz snorts, Rainbow Blitz receives a glare from Twilight and Gleaming Shield respectively. The others just sat there, watching, because it’s pretty much a free show to see Rainbow Blitz get the shit kicked out of him by Twilight’s older sister. “What? Have you seen her in the morning, whenever she does decide to open her library?”

“…Right,” Gleaming Shield slowly blinks, unused to the amount of disrespect she’s seen from years of being a high rank official. “Who exactly are you lot?”

“Not a lot of love shared for strangers,” Rainbow Blitz, again with the disrespect. “I’m the one and only Rainbow Blitz, fastest flier in all of Equestria, and Pegasus in training for the Wonderbolts! Also twenty percentage of total badassery”

Twilight blinks.

“Ah’m Applejack, ma’am, and Ah apologize rightly for Blitz’s behavior – he’s not a big fan of authority,” Applejack tactfully says, nodding his head respectively.

“I am Elusive, ma’am, and I must say I absolutely ADORE your mane! Who styles it? I must know!” Elusive says, instead of super psycho mode, he goes into excited Chihuahua mode.

“Twenty bits says he’s gay,” Gleaming leans into Twilight’s dead ear and whispers-mumbles.

Finally, hope in Twilight’s chest.

“butterscotch,” Butterscotch whispers-mumbles. Butterscotch closes the Elements of Harmony book and tucks it under his wing, he fumbles with his rectangular glasses so they would stay on his face correctly. “I really need contacts…”

“HI! I’M BUBBLE DA VINCI BERRY!! YOU CAN CALL ME BUBBLE BERRY OR JUST BUBBLE, EVERYONE ELSE DOES! I KNOW YOU’RE THE SISITER OF TWILIGHT AND TWILIGHT IS LIKE, MY BESTEST BEST OF BEST FRIENDS BESIDES THESE FIVE, OR WOULD IT BE FOUR SINCE I DIDN’T INCLUDE MYSELF? OH WELL! SINCE ME AND TWILIGHT ARE SUCH BESTIES, THAT MEANS WE ARE BESTESTIES TOO AND I LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS!! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?! MINE IS MAGENTA, ALTHOUGH PEOPLE WOULD ARGUE IT BEING HOT PINK – WHICH I FIND HILA-RI-OUS! A COLOR CAN’T BE HOT, THAT’S JUST LUDICROUS AND I DON’T MEAN THE RAPPER, I MEAN THE WORD.”

And we’re doomed.

“…right” was all Gleaming Shield had to say in response to Bubble Berry’s loud and frantic ranting. Twilight slides her head into her hoof, wishing there was a hole she could slip into to escape the humility that’s somehow found it’s way into her head and chest. If there was any hope of this day being quicker than the interrogation she had the other day, that was pretty much squashed.

“Down, boy, down!” Rainbow Blitz pulls Bubble Berry by the orange leash, which was attached to a blue collar that was not there before. Bubble Berry gets yanked to the ground before sitting on his haunches with his curly pink tail swishing left and right like a dog.

“Shit,” Gleaming Shield mutters, she still holds Twilight in said headlock. Twilight flicks her dead ear subconsciously, as if to let her sister know that she was talking into her mangled ear. Gleaming Shield doesn’t notice, which earns a small growl from the main character. “And I thought my friends were crazy.”

“Gleaming, I can’t hear from that ear,” Twilight deadpans, turning her head upwards to face her older sister’s face. To prove her point, Twilight bats Gleaming Shield on the muzzle with her mangled ear. “Remember?”

“Oh right,” Gleaming Shield hears a poof and coughs from the smoke, Twilight teleports out of her sister’s grip. Gleaming Shield’s hoof, chest, and neck is now covered in purple dust-like residue. It slowly turns black, if slow meant ten seconds. Twilight Sparkle appears in front of the stallions, not really facing anyone. Twilight’s book appears under Butterscotch’s wing, the Elements books rests in her hooves.

“Bloody hell, that spell is unreliable,” Twilight levitates the Elements book and her Detective book into the air. Twilight didn’t remember having the book on the Elements of Harmony on her, and the Teleportation Spell does not span out that far from Canterlot to Ponyville. The Detective Book and the Elements book swapped places, was Twilight’s deduction. “Butterscotch, why do you have my book of the Elements of Harmony?”

“S-sorry, I was just curious about it,” Butterscotch hides behind his short mane, Twilight notices that Butterscotch’s mane reveals the top of his head and forehead down the middle. “I just sort of kept it even though it’s yours… sorry.”

“What?” Twilight blinks, Twilight shoves the book back under his wing. Butterscotch’s feathers ruffle slightly from the magical aura. “I have twenty of these books, keep it.”

“Wait, Twilight, “ Rainbow Blitz pips up, “You just teleported, right?”

“Yeah?” Twilight fixes her mane, straightening the mess Gleaming Shield made on her head. “Why?”

“You fucking idiot,” Rainbow Blitz smacks his face into his hooves. Twilight raises an eyebrow at Rainbow Blitz.

“I beg your pardon?” Twilight Sparkle glares, which faulters when Bubble Berry raises his left hoof high into the air – waving it as if Twilight was a teacher.

“Bubble?”

“Well, if you can teleport – why didn’t you teleport into your house if you were locked outside?” Bubble Berry points out, even though there’s no possible way he could have known Twilight was locked outside with the keys inside.

“Well, you see…” Twilight prepared her rambling response before realizing that Bubble Berry was completely correct in his question. Why didn’t Twilight just teleport inside of her house?! Twilight Sparkle’s eyes widen as her pupils shrink, her ears flickers twice, Twilight’s mane and tail frizzy. Twilight Sparkle feels thin liquid drip down from her nose, it taps onto the floor –blood.

“Twi’, you alright?!” Applejack shoots into attention, taking a step closer to Twilight Sparkle. Gleaming Shield, on the other hand, took a huge step back. Applejack and the rest of the stallions give Gleaming Shield a look of confusion before noticing the thin line of smoke arriving from Twilight’s horn.

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes turn from purple to red, an ellipse shape iris instead of the normal circle. Pure white-hot magic coats Twilight’s body, her hair and tail explodes into flames. Applejack and the stallions scrambles back, eyes widen from shock, Rainbow Blitz’s wings shoots out and stands at attention stiffly. Bubble Berry pulls a hat from his hair/wazoo/the forbidden forest and places it onto his head firmly, he turns it around.

“A wild Rapidash!” Bubble Berry screeches, he digs into his mane once more to pull out a foam ball colored red on top with a white bottom. A black line around the middle of the sphere, a white circle on the complete middle. “Go Pokéball!”

“WHAT THE FLYING FEATHERED-FUCK IS A RAPIDASH?!” Blitz yells at Bubble Berry, smacking him on the back of his head. “COULD YOU BE ANY MORE RANDOM?!”

“But it’s not Friday,” Bubble Berry responds.

“Poké-what?!” Elusive cries out.

The ‘Pokéball’ completely disintegrates as it comes within twelve centimeters of Twilight. “WELL WE’RE [quack]ED!” Bubble Berry’s hat disappears along with the rest of his silly get up. Twilight lets out a frustrated groan as she slams her head onto a shield over and over. Mumbling the word ‘idiot’ at every slam of her head.

“Is that normal?” Butterscotch asks Gleaming Shield, who nods. “For Twilight to go… um… ballistic – if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Yeah, this is her when she realizes that she completely forgets about something,” Gleaming Shield says casually, she leans on a table with an annoyed look on her face. “Don’t worry, she’ll be fine.”

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”

This continues for a few minutes.

“Yeah, that was totally all me,” Rainbow Blitz flexes for the two earth pony mares, who don’t hesitate to feel his muscles. “I solved the problem, me, myself, and I.” Twilight sits on her haunches, rubbing her sore forehead. Any attempt at “aid” from Elusive was quickly shot down, as she just needed a moment of silence. Gleaming Shield eyes her use-to-be prized shield, which is imprinted with Twilight’s face in multiple places.

“Right, much better, lets move on,” Twilight pipes up, her forehead lacking of injury or pain. A healing spell.

“No more flipping out?” Gleaming Shield deadpans but playfully gives Twilight Sparkle an agitated look. “You’ll probably snap my sword in half next time.”

“no promises” Twilight says in Butterscotch’s tone of voice. Twilight brushes past the Admiral, who follows suit. Applejack and Rainbow Blitz hangs back momentarily.

“Yeah, go on without me,” Rainbow Blitz says slyly to Applejack, two mare-guards under his front legs. He holds both of them in his wings, they press themselves closer to the blue Pegasus. Applejack was about to question their rank before looking at their uniform, which is for adult ponies in bootcamp. Makes sense they would leap themselves at the first stallion they see, Applejack’s been in bootcamp... “I have a… ‘close quarters combat’ lesson to attend to…”

The mares’ giggles drives a wooden stake of disappointment through Applejack’s chest. Rainbow Blitz grins at Applejack, which makes Applejack feel uneasy about just leaving him behind with these two mares – what if he gets in trouble with the higher ups? Actually, fuck him, that’s his own fault if he does. “Have fun.” Applejack says, turning around to follow the last glimpse of Butterscotch’s tail.

“C’mon…” One of the twins tugs on Rainbow Blitz’s feathers carefully, the other twin pushes against the Pegasus. Twin Two preens into his neck, she moves up his jawbone. “On the double, soldier…”

“Ma’am, yes, ma’am…!” Rainbow Blitz’s wings extends as they stride into private quarters.

Dawn Guard Saga |Look into the Burning Sky|

Author's Note

If you're wondering what Solaris sounds like to me as I write this chapter...

Dawn Guard Saga |Look into the Burning Sky|

DAWN GUARD SAGA

|Chapter Two: |Look into the Burning Sky|

By Condescending-Sarcasm

“Ah, you’re here,” Solaris’s eyes lights up from his bored look. Twilight would have charged through the crowd of stallions to hug Solaris, as usual, but something told Twilight to keep her distance. Rather it be the entire reason she’s here in the first place or that she’s internally pissed off at Solaris for selling her house and forcing her to make friends even though her personality is non-friend-able. “I was afraid you just went home.”

“I thought about it, and then I tried,” Twilight replies, she stares at the seemingly bigger throne room. Twilight scratches her cheek, they must have gotten renovations – or Twilight’s been away from the castle for so long she actually forgot what it looked like.

From the corner of her eye, she catches a mare in a doorway. – it looks like a mare due to the shape and slim look on her. She wears a helmet, which completely covers her face and neck. The mare’s insignia on her chest is a fiery sun, the mare is part of Dawn Guard. What is she doing here still? Who is she? If wearing armor in the castle prohibited, she couldn’t possible be doing this with the amount of discipline the recruits receive.

“Where’s the rainbow-bloke?” Solaris asks, he scratches his bead. “You know, the Element of Loyalty? The sailor?”

“He’s no sailor, yer highness,” Applejack answers, he looks behind him as if Rainbow Blitz was behind them but he wasn’t. “He had somethin’ important to clean up wit’ sum soldiers, it shouldn’t take him less than thirty seconds… if he can last that long.”

“He’s having an altercation with a soldier?” Solaris chuckles, he leans on his hoof as a silly giggle escape his lips. Applejack blinks, as of Solaris had just read his mind – which is possible if you were a god. Twilight grinds her teeth together, she knew she made a mistake bringing HIM along, but what did she do: she brought him along and what does he do: he goes out of his way to jump into bed with two mares, soldiers. “That’s classic him!”

“Two of them, actually,” Applejack corrects. Gleaming Shield looks PISSED, she grinds her teeth the same way and motion Twilight does – and if her teeth doesn’t turn to dust, she’s going to chew out some-pony and it’s not going to be really fucking pretty. Twilight, if her teeth doesn’t grind itself to a pulp, she’s going to chew Rainbow Blitz out and it’s going to be pathetically glorious.

I’m sure that’s an oxymoron.

“That is just great!” Solaris guffaws, this earns him a slightly disturbed look from Artemis. Twilight raises an eyebrow after calming herself down. “Ah, anyways, hullo every-pony, how’s it going? Everything going good?”

“Besides being dragged to jail, where it’s very dirty,” Twilight Sparkle begun, a vein throbbing on her forehead, “and being forced here, like I was forced into living in Ponyville, I can’t complain. Oh wait, I can.”

“I know you’re still pissed about me selling your house, and the lengthy message, and the forcing you into friendship – bit, but that’s the way it is!” Solaris replies, smiling tactfully despite his sheepish blush across his face. “But in my defense, you needed to get out more.”

“It didn’t dawn on you to use your infinite wisdom and try talking to me?” Twilight Sparkle would have said that, but she bit her tongue instead. Twilight Sparkle, yes, is incredibly pissed off at her mentor for his actions but what could she do about it? “I’d hope so, unless you weren’t sober.”

“Heh, heh…Artemis, don’t be a social outcast and join in the discussion…” Solaris coughs nervously, he turns to his brother in a pleading look.

“Excuse us, dear brother,” Artemis says casually, the stallion was fooling around with the magic eight ball. “The Royal Sphere—Consultant tells me…” Artemis shakes the ball. “It says to… erm… ‘Fuck off’.”

Applejack snorts.

“What? Is that funny?” Elusive growls, he turns on Applejack with an irritated look on his face. Bubble Berry and Butterscotch notices the tension and quickly backs away, confusion stains his face as he withdrawals dramatically. “I don’t see how using such language is appropriate to say in front of our ruler, much less funny.”

"I really don't give a shit," Solaris says, coughing as he swears.

“Excuse me, Mister Proper,” Applejack retorts, a glare forming in his eyes. Twilight Sparkle turns her head towards them, confusion staining her forehead. “But Ah found it funny so Ah laughed.”

“You what?” Elusive stands up, his right ear flickers. Applejack yawns into his hoof, not intimidated by Elusive. Twilight Sparkle’s nose twitches, her sensitive horn detecting Battle Magicka rising in a unicorn’s horn. Solaris’s eyes brighten up… along with Bubble Berry’s.

“By your beard, Solaris!” Bubble Berry’s smile is brighter than his eyes, weird. “It’s heating up, today on ECW!”

“ECW?” Solaris asks, quickly placing on his microphone onto his ear. Butterscotch, holding a camera, appeared quietly in front of Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle blinks rapidly. She confusingly stare into the camera.

“Why, the Equestria Championship Wrestling!!” Bubble Berry sits next to Solaris, an announcement table appearing in front of the throne. Solaris grins ear to ear, enjoying every moment of this insanity. “I’m Bubble Cole, and this is Solaris “the king” Lawyer, and welcome to the main event tonight here in the sold out arena of E.C.W!!”

“I have no idea what’s happening!” Solaris chirps, Artemis keeps his confusing look as he continues to judge his brother and Bubble Berry for a mental cell. Padded or no? Straight Jacket for sure.

Twilight blinks, she’s wearing a pinstripe referee outfit. Twilight Sparkle shoots up to her hind hooves and rears, neighing in a panicked manner. “WHAT THE HELL?!” Twilight swears, looking at her outfit. Twilight Sparkle peers around, finding a crowd cheering loudly. Spotlights going wild in the canvas… Canvass... in a castle... reading E.C.W... the

It was a ring, and Twilight Sparkle was a pony. The lights black out for a brief second before loud metal guitar solo begins to blare out of speakers. Country and rock music fills Twilight Sparkle’s ear, adding to the roar of the crowd. To Twilight Sparkle’s right was Barbra in a dress, holding a microphone, and standing in front of the camera. What the fuck…

“Ladies and gentlemen, this match is for the Equestrian Champion and is the main event of the evening!” Barbra enthusiastically says, smiling acutely at the camera. The crowd goes wild as the music continues. Twilight Sparkle runs her hoof through her hair, confused as hell. “Coming down the Battle Zone, The Defending Champion, weighing two hundred and fifty-one pounds!” Barbra continues. “Hailing from Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville, and one half of Public Enemy! CACTUS ‘APPLE’ JACK!!!”

Applejack, or Cactus Jack if you rather, enters the ring with a 2x4 covered in barbed wire in his hoof... Twilight’s right eye twitches, she clenches her eyes shut and tried to focus back to reality. “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…”

The music stops, the lights blacken for a brief moment before a spotlight light strikes the center of the entrance stage. Elusive raises his hoof into the air, legs spread, looking upwards. Twilight looks up as well and finds a microphone descending by the wire carefully, it lands in Elusive’s hooves. Twilight, again, runs her hoof through her mane. Steam radiating off of her horn.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, This match is scheduled for ONE FAAAAAAAAL!" Twilight hates the entrance already. Please send help or she's going to drop dead. "HE HAILS, FROM GREEN DAY MANE-CONSINNNNN-A!" Twilight's head hurts from Elusive's way of introducing himself, at least Barbra had a voice that was somewhat not annoying. "Weighing TWO HUNDRED and FORTY-FIVE POOOOUNDS!"

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS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"Oh god, kill me now..." Twilight Sparkle pleads, rubbing her ear painfully.

"ELUSIVE!!" Elusive drops the microphone, heading down to the ring. Twilight, already, wants to stick her face into Cactus Jack's barb-wired 2x4 just out of sheer pain. Also frustration, that's a factor too. Cactus Jack and Mister Elusive faces each other, the bell rings DING!!! DING!!! DING!!!. The crowd cheers as Cactus Jack mimics swinging his 2x4, Twilight groans as she rubs her eyes.

The arena was gone, save for Applejack and Elusive glaring intensively at each other.

“Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fIGHT!!” Solaris and Bubble Berry chants, their hooves pumping up and down as they bounce. “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!”

“You two, cool it,” Twilight Sparkle says, causing both Solaris and Bubble Berry to cease their instigating. Twilight, even understanding where the hell the aggression from Elusive came from, scratches her cheek. Maybe he’s bipolar, that’d make sense. However, the fact that Twilight probably just hallucinated that entire thing was enough to draw the line and stop before she sees Applejack shoot a Special Needs Cannon. “Just stop! The hell's the matter with you two?!”

"Ah don't know, ask Mr. Elusive here," Applejack turns from Elusive, Elusive does the same, both of them releasing a 'HMPF' before completely ignoring each other. Twilight Sparkle looked at Butterscotch, Bubble Berry, and the two princes. Solaris takes off his microphone, chuckling into his hoof. What a child he is. Artemis looks as if he's deciding whether or not to check his brother into a mental facility, along with Bubble Berry.

Twilight decides to drop it, realizing there's no fighting crazy. Besides, it might be Solaris's magic that done this... right? Please tell Twilight that she's right and not actually gone mad. Solaris clears his throat, regaining his composure and straightening himself out. "Right." Solaris says finally, he finally sounds like he got his giggles out for the day.

"What's their load?" Twilight Sparkle asks, to no one in particular, scratching her ear. "Why are they acting so... unlike them... mean to each other?"

"They have a bit of history," Bubble Berry chirps his reply, smiling brightly, but his smile drops as he says the next bit. Almost sadness in his eyes, even Butterscotch turned away to wipe his eyes. This must be pretty serious if it's worth fighting over something so... menial... as swearing in front of royalty. "It wasn't pretty, it's probably best if you left that alone... no joke."

"Um... I could tell you later," Butterscotch gently mumbles, he looks back to Elusive and Applejack with a small frown on his face. "If that's okay with you, of course."

"Knock yerself out," Applejack muffs out. Elusive shrugs.

"Right..." Solaris clears his throat. To break tension between the two stallions and make them focus. "So, any of you want to know why Twilight's here or are we doing our own thing here?"

"Should I ask the Magic Eight ball, Dear Brother?" Artemis questions, he shakes the sphere up and down and allowed the triangle in the middle to come to a full rest.

Well that's just rude.

"Okay then, pretending to not be hurt, moving on," Solaris commentates, looking back up at the ponies. "Well, if Twilight Sparkle didn't do it? Who did?"

"Will this be on the test?!" Bubble Berry asks... without sarcasm.

"I don't think so, but go on right ahead and ask the eight ball," Solaris replies, rolling his eyes playfully. "Although, you should be studying for pop quiz on how to breath. You know how to breath, right?"

Bubble Berry gasps. "I KNOW HOW TO BREATH!"

"Good for you, mate!" Solaris grins, but turns back to the other ponies who were busy resting their face into their hooves. "Anyways, however unlikely it was for Twilight to be the killer I had to make sure."

"You said something about a Memorial Dancer," Twilight Sparkle points out, the gears in her purple head turning. "I bet he's the one who threw my scent onto the trail, it seems situational innit?"

"You reckon?" Artemis asks, finally. "How would he go about that, if he was missing the day after, and it seems a bit odd now that we think about it?"

"Artemis, not now, the adults are talking," Solaris playfully quips, but it fell along with the rest of Bubble Berry's words. Out of the blue, into the nothingness of space.

"Well, assuming Sargent Vigor Valance was a high profile target, it's only right to shift the blame onto some-pony else immediately," Twilight Sparkle strokes her chin, thinking on the fly, her brain processing ideas probably faster than she realizes. "Who has better reason--motive to be killed, a Sargent with no problems in the military or another high profile target dodging out of the way of an inside job?"

"Your guys' accents are beautiful," Bubble Berry comments.

"You what?" Now Gleaming Shield is interested. "You think more than one pony was involved?"

"I don't think anything, really," Twilight Sparkle replies quickly, she sucks on her teeth and looks back up. Now there's more pieces in the puzzle, now how are they arranged in a way that makes sense. "I don't think Vigor Valance was the intended target, why waste efforts on a model soldier if you could have gone for someone more... politically important?"

"Maybe it was personal?" Gleaming Shield offers, but then retracts. "No... no... killing was cold, quick, it's like an assassination attempt."

"Or..." Butterscotch's head goes up, "Someone connected the dots and figured out the... uh... plans... so to speak..."

"Or a deserter to the 'plan'," Solaris strokes his beard. "Who do you think the target was, Twilight?"

"Haven't put a lot of thought to that one, I didn't..." Twilight Sparkle shrugs, a sheepish smile on her face forming. "You, Gleaming Shield, or someone else that's very important."

"I don't see how it matters," Artemis pips.

"Right, it doesn't matter," Twilight Sparkle agrees, she turns around and goes down the aisle of the Throne Room. Intending to leave the palace and find somewhere to think.

"Twilight!" Solaris calls, leaning up stiffly. "Where you going, you little bugger? This isn't a crappy Netflax detective show, you can't just go all noire on us!"

....

Wait a minute.

If there was an inside job... and if Vigor Valance knew about the hidden company... which is why he's dead... and Memorial Dancer disappeared... and suddenly the blame got shifted over to Twilight...

"Oh bollocks..." Twilight Sparkle exhales. "It seems like I got more in common with Memorial Dancer than we believe..."

"Why's that?" Elusive clears his throat, he questions.

"Because we're both being framed," Twilight replies darkly, "And if Memorial Dancer disappears on us, and he doesn't get the blame, SOMEONE has to."

"Find Memorial Dancer, Gleaming Shield, Twilight, and the rest of you lot," Solaris leans forward on his pimp throne, face engraved in stone. "Do not let Memorial Dancer escape, you will head out to his last known location in the crack of probably Eight O'Clock."

"But that's so early!!" Bubble Berry complains.

"At Nine Thirty," Solaris dismisses. "Take the guest rooms, I'll make sure the servants--erm--workers tidy up the rooms to your liking. I'll join you, but first, it's time for my tea. Extreme Tea."

Solaris's horn lights up, amplifying his voice. "ROYAL CARRIAGE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME WAS." A grey, butler--like pony appear in a bang. The stallion wore a monocle, a top hat, and a tuxedo fit for a James Bond character. "Bring me my favorite carriage!"

"Sir, you mean The Favorite Carriage or the simply titled Favorite Carriage?" The stallion had a stereotypical butler accent, it kind of suited him because of the way he looks like the Monopoly Colt from that board game.

"Either works," Solaris dismisses, but he quickly shot his voice back up. "Does it have the upgrades?!"

"Yes, sir," The stallion nods. "Your ride has been, how the kids say these days, 'pimped out and totally cracking' with the requested decal with flames, also the words Sunbutt is printed onto the side, like you asked, sir."

"Bitchin'," Solaris grins.

The crackles and pops filled Twilight's ear, the fire spreading to throughout the house. Twilight Sparkle's wings, bent, broken, useless. Twilight's horn, not energy to cast a spell. The air was poisoned in toxic gas, carbon monoxide and smoke and smog filled Twilight's lungs to the brim. Her lungs blackened. Her vision blurry. She crashes into the floor, unsure if she's dead or not.

It was dark, Twilight Sparkle was in a void. Almost Lifeless. In a lifeless void, derived of all that lives. The taste of death hung on Twilight's lips, the scent of The Reaper grew stronger with every descending breath that Twilight Sparkle struggled for. The air was still, like a morgue. The only sounds was a crackling fire, the only smell was blood, and the only sight was darkness. Twilight Sparkle's body felt numb, no movement could be felt. Her mane plastered to her face, blood being the glue.

Burning.

The sensation that could be triggered by any reaction, chemical or fire or electricity, there's different ways to mean and describe the pain of burning but to actually feel burnt; that's another feeling. It hurt so good, the fire did, the warm licks of the flame's tongue-like tips was the only feeling of existence. The dead feeling, deep inside, to feel dead or even less.

Twilight opened her eyes to white. A white light, blinding her before she adjusted her eyes. The town center, was engulfed in flames. Twilight Sparkle stood up, somehow. In front of Twilight was a pony, an alicorn with a mane made of complete fire. Twilight Sparkle blinked, she licked her lips to get the taste of death out of her mouth. Death tasted like a really rotten Durian Fruit, it made Twilight Sparkle gag.

"...who are you...?" Twilight asks, fire spreading around the two ponies. Dead bodies of ponies unrecognizable laid sprawled on the ground in various of places... Did Twilight Sparkle do this? There's too many questions to focus anymore, what the bloody hell just happened to this place? Who the hell is... this pony?

"I'm Wraith, Twilight Sparkle, The Monument to Your Sins," The pony replied, her fiery mane crackled and popped "You created me after you went practically Galagia on this town, well, not really because this is not really happening."

The Wraith looked to the left, "Yet."

"...what..." Twilight keeps looking around, the town burned. It reflected in Twilight Sparkle's eyes, confusion stained her forehead. "I don't understand... I just left the Throne Room..."

"No you didn't," The Wraith smiled warmly, ironical because she's made of literal fire. Although her smile comforted Twilight Sparkle slightly, Twilight Sparkle's brain still felt fried. Even worse when Twilight Sparkle realized she hadn't inhaled the entire time she stood up, she isn't breathing. "Relax, the shock is always the worst."

"What's happening.. what happened... what did I do..." Twilight tried to barrage the pony with questions, but the Wraith simply held up a hoof and silenced the hyperventilating mare.

"As I said, the shock is always the worst." The Wraith repeated herself. "I'm here because you have not realized the amount of damage your about to feel."

"Damage...?" Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Wha...?"

"You're going to be burned by love," The Wraith continued, she explained as well shortly after. "You're going to get hurt, terribly. "

"This town sucks," is what Twilight wanted to say, but something in Twilight's belly told her to remain quiet.

The Wraith clears her throat, walking closer to Twilight. "Be careful, because you've never felt any pain like a broken heart." The Wraith rolls her eyes, seemingly disgusted by the topic. "Trust me, I know what you're feeling right now too. Love sucks. So lets move on and let me explain some things now that I'm here."

"This town sucks," again is what Twilight wanted to say. "Right...?" Twilight said carefully, her heart raced slightly faster as the words sank into her head.

"Aren't you a chatty one?" The Wraith condescendingly remarked, "I'm sure you got questions, so why don't we save my vocal cords from expending themselves on a really long monologue."

"Your name?" Twilight was curious, was she The Wraith or was that what she is? This isn't perfectly clear or crystal if you rather. "What's your name?"

"Twilight Sparkle," The Wraith answered, shrugging. "I am basically you, there's no reason to think my name would be anything different. If it confuses you, call me Celestia." Celestia... hmm... "I'm basically the Personification of your fiery anger, a monument to the deadly sin of wraith. Celestia sounds hotter, however."

Now that Twilight looked at the pony in a new light, she kind of looks like Solaris if her mane was different. Even the cutie mark... is she really Twilight or Solaris's wraith...? Or maybe both?

A HEADACHE IS JUST WHAT TWILIGHT SPARKLE ASKED FOR.

"Where am I...?" Twilight questioned, looking around at her burning surroundings. "What happened...?" Twilight didn't feel sad for the town, she felt bad for the ponies without homes however, but this town wasn't important to Twilight Sparkle. Why would it be? Twilight was here for almost month and she hated every minute of it, she missed Canterlot.

Ah bollocks, a friendship report is almost due.

"Town center," Celestia answered, looking at the fire that is burning down the Town Hall. "Don't worry, every-pony is already dead." Celestia added, Solaris's childish humor coating her voice although it was a fucked up joke.

"Okay, what the hell happened?" Twilight Sparkle repeated herself, hooves gripped the burnt grass. "I can't just go from the Throne Room to being in Ponyville in two minutes, Celestia!"

"You're right," Celestia preened her wings. "You're in a guest room, you went there immediately, and I took control of your dream." Celestia stretched out her wing, her lavender colored eyes reflects the fire's glow. "You destroyed the town, pretty much killed Solaris and obliterated the Elements of Harmony. I think Rainbow Blitz struck you down, I don't know, he has this sort of Rainbow Saiyan hair sort of thing going on."

Killed Solaris.

Those words just won't sink into Twilight Sparkle's head, no way, nope, TwilightSparkleProcessing.png corrupted. No, those words did not sit well with Twilight Sparkle. Obliterated the Elements of Harmony? That's the fucking grey line, but the murdering of Solaris is not even fiction. That's just... crazy talk. It just doesn't work. No it does not.

IT JUST DOESN'T.

"You alright there?" Celestia asked, peering closer to the heavy breathing mare. "I didn't just trigger you, did I? If I did, then you probably need to get off Myspace and go to Feebler (Tumblr)."

"Whoopsie-That's-A-Fucking-Daisy!" Twilight Sparkle's right eye twitched, the temples of her forehead beginning to throb intensively. The sound of a baby screaming was heard to the left, stepping onto the very sensitive and exposed nerves of the unicorn mare. Twilight Sparkle's mane explodes into fire, her fur coats itself into pure magic. "WOULD SOMEONE SHUT THAT FUCKIN' BABY UP BEFORE I SHAKE IT?!"

"Feeling a bit explosive there, mate?" Celestia circled Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Sparkle looks to the left to find no baby. Weird. "Does the thought of your mentor being hurt anger you?"

Twilight stiffened up, her iris bleeding from purple to red. Celestia pushed further. "The Prince, Solaris, falling to his side. Bleeding. His last breath draws near..."

The flames on Twilight's mane and tail exploded in intensity, uncomprehending amounts of magic radiated from her. Celestia tilted her head, one last push. One last push should do it.

"It was your fault," Celestia whispers.

Dawn Guard Saga |Between a Heart and Five Aces|

Author's Note

Oh shit, I accidentally uploaded this chapter BEFORE it was finished!!!!!11 :twilightoops:

It should be fixed now, bloody hell aren't I an idiot? :heart:

Celestia and Twilight are one of the same, Celestia is the Monuement To Twilight's Sins, which mainly consists of wraith. Remember that avoidance of people is still wraith upon God's children, even though I'm not a Christian, my grandfather is a Pastor. :raritywink:

Also, no Solaris x Twilight or Artemis x Twilight sadly--plot reasons, it would be weird.

Dawn Guard Saga |Between a Heart and Five Aces|

Twilight Sparkle sat up quickly, her eyes shot open as she rumbled violently. Twilight Sparkle’s hold in a frantic scream. Twilight’s plush and soft bed did little to support her, the memory foam concaved in her form and simply made Twilight Sparkle sink like a ship crashing into an iceberg.

The bond between Twilight Sparkle and Solaris goes way beyond the concepts of love, between a mare and a stallion; it’s something greater and emotionally deeper than just simply being in love. It’s difficult to explain, because there’s nothing to compare the bound to unless you compare Snake/Big Boss’s relation to The Boss.

When ponies think about bonds, they usually go for love. Does it always have to be about love, can it be something far surpassing that cannot be explained? A mentor and a apprentice relationship is not romance, not to Twilight or Solaris, but instead one of the only ponies Twilight Sparkle could truly trust.

Perhaps this is why Twilight Sparkle flared out whenever she is mentioned of her mentor being killed, because she would not risk the possibility of living without the one pony to guide her in the perils of her life?

"OI SPARKLE!!!" The door was kicked open, a strong buck allows it to slam against the door. “Wake up, you lazy sloth!” the rugged voice that Twilight Sparkle all so wanted to hear right now.

Not.

Twilight sat up, feeling the all too familiar pit in her stomach with. Whatever Night Terror Knight made her breathe was affecting her mind greatly, Twilight breathed in the cold air conditioning. Twilight Sparkle’s heart raced in an aggressive manner, adrenaline fueling her body, ruining up any chances of heading back to sleep.

“What’s up, not you, c’mon!” Rainbow Blitz groaned condescendingly as he picked himself back up, having tripped seconds before. Rainbow Blitz in Twilight Sparkles room… No. He better have a god damn good explanation why he had the nerve to come into her room at night, better yet, why he went off and fooled around when the others were being briefed?! Twilight Sparkle felt like tearing his heart out, and she didn’t even give it a second thought. “Jeez, I didn’t know you weren’t a morning pony.”

Twilight Sparkle didn’t reply, she merely glared daggers.
“I know I’m totally sexy, you don’t have to rape me with your eyeballs!” Rainbow Blitz goes on after a few minutes of Twilight Sparkle glaring violently. Rainbow Blitz furrowed his eyebrows, which looked different than usual. In fact, his mane looked different. “Stop staring at me, it’s fuckin’ creepy.”

I’m going to enjoy this more than I should.

“Do you have any idea how disappointed I am in you?” Twilight Sparkle growled, she rubbed the sleep and shock out of her bloodshot eyes. Twilight Sparkle turned her body to face the blue stallion. Rainbow Blitz looked on with a disinterested look on his face, this infuriated Twilight Sparkle further. “Do you have any idea how much of a contradiction you are to your element?!”
“’bout what?” Rainbow Blitz asked, shrugging his shoulders. "Is it even a big deal?"

“Not a big deal?!”

“Not a big deal, mate.” Rainbow Blitz mocked her accent, further setting fuel to the fire that was Twilight’s stomach.

“You had sex with… not one… but with two mares! Simultaneously!” Twilight Sparkle spat as she jabbed her hoof into his chest accusingly. Rainbow Blitz wasn’t fazed, but he swiped her hoof off of his chest. “While I am here, under the spotlight, accused of murder!”

“Ay, Fun Dipshit, you’re innocent,” Rainbow Blitz blinked, his smirk dropped to be replaced by a scowl. Twilight Sparkle felt her face heat up in anger, Rainbow Blitz is drawing her last few straws, and many of them were lost by Celestia. “And it’s none of your business who I get involved with, unless you’re jealous as shit.”

“I am not!” Insignificance amount of hatred flew from her voice. Twilight Sparkle’s right eye twitched along with her ear, Rainbow Blitz drew the last straw. Twilight Sparkle’s face flushed a rosy red color, her horn tingled as Battle Magicka levels surge in her head. “You’re dodging the point, you idiot! Flipping stop flirting with me for five minutes so I can—rrg!!”

“Fucking save it,” Rainbow Blitz shot back, standing up straighter. A confident look stained his face, irritation pooling in his eyes. Twilight Sparkle felt blood roar in her ear, her dead right ear pulsed with activity. Twilight Sparkle gritted her teeth to prevent from screaming at the stallion. “We all know that you lock yourself away because you can’t stand how awesome I am compared to you.”

“You cheeky dimwit…” Twilight Sparkle seethed, her mind filled with static as she processed those words.

Twilight Sparkle reacted to his words, whether it was right or not, Twilight Sparkle swiped at him. Her hoof met his cheek and left a red hoof print, Twilight Sparkle smacked Rainbow Blitz. However strong she was, it caught Rainbow Blitz off guard and made him stumble slightly.

Rainbow Blitz stumbled a little but caught his balance, he gave a bewildered look while he tried to process what had just transpired. Twilight Sparkle’s mind drew a blank along with him, her brain finally caught up with her emotions. If it wasn’t fear that gripped Twilight’s chest, it was most definitely guilt.

“…”

“…”
Neither parties responded for a short minute, they seemed to be incubated in their own thoughts. They just stared at each other, waiting for one another to say something or do something. Twilight Sparkle waited for his retaliation, but it never came. Rainbow Blitz waited for her to hit him again, but it never happened.

Twilight felt the tension break between them, it was more of an awkward silence now. Twilight Sparkle looked down for a second, guilty for her lack of restraint and completely out of character action. No… worse than guilt… it’s the feeling of striking a pet or a sibling… or something else… It stung her heart to find his cheek imprinted with her hoof.

There was just something about Rainbow Blitz that made her blood boil, the way he just holds himself above those around him… or was that even the case?

Does he hold himself in that fashion because he can, or was it even deeper than that?

Some reason Twilight Sparkle couldn’t explain? Something that words just wouldn’t express clearly, it fought with Twilight’s mind. To connect reasoning into emotion, it obviously must connect somehow. But how? Why? Did he feel this way too, to try and find meaning in the rift between the two ponies?

Twilight’s first thought was love; did she confuse the feeling of being attracted to him with the feeling of disliking him? Was that the reason for her anger when he went off and slept with the two mares; jealousy?

Twilight Sparkle is confused.
And scared.

But why?
Does the idea of being attracted to Rainbow Blitz scare her? Does the idea of being attracted to another pony what is truly making her fearful, and if so, is she trying to deny them internally by making Rainbow Blitz a hostile?

“…Sorry…” Rainbow Blitz broke the silence after a few minutes, he rubbed his cheek before looking back at Twilight Sparkle with an apologetic look. Although it should have made Twilight Sparkle feel… better… it just didn’t. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Twilight Sparkle dismissed, subconsciously flicking her ear. Twilight Sparkle took a second to twirl her hoof in a futile attempt to take the sting out of her wrist, again not use to slapping other ponies. “I shouldn’t have hit you, regardless of the reason.”

“Start practicing on your upper body strength,” Rainbow Blitz scoffed lightly, although it was short lived. Twilight Sparkle let out a small snort before regaining the apologetic look she had on previously. “…uh… let’s just pretend that this totally didn’t happen…”

“What happened?” Twilight Sparkle agreed with him, but something about the crack in her voice caught her off guard. It didn’t feel right to just forget this, she literally just smacked the buck out of him surely he would be whooping her flank like Snake Pliskin? Maybe it isn’t just ‘not feeling right’, and Twilight Sparkle surely wouldn’t know where this feeling came from, but it felt like she just slapped a friend.

A friend!

Or something more? I hope not.

“C’mon, it’s almost time to leave,” Rainbow Blitz said, definetly without the vigor as before. Maybe his reality check hurt his pride, but without his bravado self-esteem: he just sounds empty. Twilight Sparkle felt like the worse pony ever, thinking about just taking his pride from under him by one quick action from a petty argument. "If we hurry, we could be there first."

He came to wake me up early?

Again, another strike to Twilight's chest with an icicle-like dagger.

But his voice.

It just isn’t the same without him being proud of himself.

A pinch hits her on the cutie mark, but it goes unnoticed.

Twilight opens her eyelid again to find Rainbow Blitz’s muzzle near her functioning ear. Before Twilight could react further, Rainbow Blitz grins maliciously. Twilight Sparkle can’t move her body fast enough to escape the blast of his booming yelling voice.

“SPARKLE!” Rainbow Blitz shouts in Twilight Sparkle’s ear, panicking the mare into flailing off of the queen sized bed and onto the hard floor. Rainbow Blitz leaps onto the bed and sticks his head over the bed to continue shouting. How joyful. “WAKE THE FUCK UP!!”

Her ear rings and whines loudly, her back rattle along with her teeth as the wind escapes her lips. She groans and sits up from the carpet, rubbing her sore ear. “Oww…” she whimpers, still feeling the winded effects from the fall.

Surely not, she was just walking out with Rainbow Blitz – right? That mist is severely messing with her head, perhaps it was supposed to do much more than make her drowsy… Night Terrors… Night-Terror Knighty…

So does that mean…

“Ha!” And Twilight Sparkle lost her train of thought, her ear finally stops ringing in time to hear Rainbow Blitz guffaw at his actions. “Did you see the look on your face?! You looked so fucking scared, total chicken!”

“Haha, very funny, you goat,” Is what Twilight Sparkle wants to say, but she remains quiet and stands up. Her mane stuck to her neck, and it sticks out everywhere on her head. A brush would do nicely, Rainbow Blitz can just leave for all Twilight Sparkle care… which is not entirely truthful, honestly, she finds herself actually caring about his existence.

What has that mist done to me?!

“Aw, don’t be a sour-puss!” Rainbow Blitz teases, beginning to hover over Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle scowls at him before picking herself up off the ground and walking around him. The stallion’s face contorts in confusion. “Hey, you alright? You didn’t hit me in the nuts that time…”

“You actually want to be boxed in the jewels?” Twilight Sparkle retorts, she still walks ahead of him towards the giant mare’s room. Of course, followed by Rainbow Blitz with a concerned look.
“Well, no, but I expected a… I don’t know…” Rainbow Blitz flaps his wings to keep in pace with Twilight Sparkle’s passive aggressive speed walking. Twilight didn't slow down despite his attempts to talk to Twilight. “Hey! Wait up!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be the fastest thing alive?” Twilight Sparkle asks rhetorically, speeding up her walking pace. Rainbow Blitz’s cheeks heats up in indignation, a flustered look on his face appears along with ruffled feathers.

“Hey!” Rainbow Blitz flutters faster to keep pace. Rainbow Blitz stops in front of Twilight Sparkle, subconsciously flexing and making himself look bigger by extending his wings outwards. Twilight Sparkle raises and eyebrow at his movements, even the barely noticeable psychological flirting his brain is doing is shameful. His defense of his pride is peculiar, it doesn't sound insecure but more or less concerned about what she's saying. “I am the fastest thing alive!”

“Whatever floats your boat, mate,” Twilight Sparkle says, uninterested in his words. This seems to ruffle his feathers slightly more, a noticeable strain appear in his eyes. Does Rainbow Blitz have the hots for Twilight Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle's lip corners rises to create a look of discontent, of course this is happening why not add that to the night-terrors that Twilight Sparkle just had?

But Rainbow Blitz and Twilight bonded in that last dream... is it truly right to call it a night terror? Ugh, more questions that are unwanted. What Twilight Sparkle needs right now is a shower, possibly a good session of bashing her face into the wall until the colors of the shower wall runs red along with the water down the sinkhole. Twilight turns around with a bigger scowl.

"What?!" Rainbow Blitz flaps is wings rapidly, not taking in the scene change.

"Get the hell out of the ladies shower room you dolt," Twilight Sparkle bites back metaphorically.

One twist of the facet knob was the trick to the shower in the castle, good thing Twilight Sparkle never forgot that. Twilight Sparkle looks up, anticipating the warm stream of liquid to blast her in the face. As bad as that sounded, it was pleasant to have a shower that wasn't either boiling hot or freezing cold like the shower in the Golden Oaks Library. She hates the shower in her library, although Barbs seems to make due with the water with her fire-breathing skills.

The water comes without delay, immediately spraying Twilight Sparkle in the face with the glorious warm water. Warm water, the perfect temperature for any O.C.D mare to have. The water soaks Twilight's face and mane, washing away the negative thoughts with it's mind numbing warmth. Twilight dared to tilt the red knob slightly to the left and the water became warmer with every degree of torque, her tongue hangs out of her maw as the euphoria state of the even warmer water hits her mane and her ears.

Twilight Sparkle's ear twitched to the left, soap. Twilight Sparkle picks up the bar soap and allows it to be engulfed in the holy-like water, she then rub the brick onto her hooves a little before applying the soapy application to her body; the soap leaves white and bubbly suds over her legs and body, she whips her plastered mane out of her face before returning to scrubbing her body down. She ducks under the water to allow it to wash off of her body before reapplying the soap to her body.

"Ah... bloody hell..." Moans Twilight Sparkle as she pushes her snout into the wall, still applying the soap onto her belly and as low as her naval. Twilight Sparkle switches the hooves that the soap is held in and used her magic to raise a bath-brush. Twilight Sparkle rubs the soap brick onto the rough bristles of the brush before running the soap-covered bristles up and down her spine. Oh goodness did it make Twilight's cheeks heat up slightly as the bristles ran up and down her spine, like a dog being scratched on the ear she subconsciously tapped her right hoof onto the ground.

The shower curtain suddenly opens, causing a stunned Twilight to turn around with haste. The sounds of music fill her ear, which in return gives the signal of an attack to her brain. Her heart's turns ice cold as it now pumps a slush instead of normal blood temperatures. Twilight Sparkle couldn't see past her mane, which is plastered to her face, but what she thought she saw was a knife.

"AH!! BLOODY HELL!!" Twilight Sparkle screams, using her magic to zap out and stun her attacker. Twilight Sparkle hears a squeak toy happen before a large thud onto the ground. The sounds of colts and one mare laughing made Twilight Sparkle snap the hard bristled brush into six pieces. She moves moves her mane out of her face to create the angriest face any female could ever give out ever. She uses the curtains to cover herself as she yells obscenities.

The Five ponies: Applejack, Rainbow Blitz, Solaris, Bubble Berry and Gleaming Shield basically are dying from laughter. A tear that could cure cancer rolls from Solaris's eye and down the sinkhole it goes.

"DO YOU BASTARDS MIND?!" Roars a pissed Twilight Sparkle, accurately making a representation of a skull with all six pieces that was a bath-brush. "I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE A NICE BLOODY SHOWER WITHOUT YOU LOT MESSING IT UP FOR ME! PISS OFF!!!"

Twilight Sparkle finishes up her shower, this time locking the door before continuing to shower. At least she knows what to do first, completely destroy two earth ponies, one unicorn, one pegasus, and one god. Twilight Sparkle growls as she uses the towels to dry her body, her magic flaring up to pick up a smaller brush meant for her mane and begun to brush her mane in long but quick strokes. She plans on how to assassinate a god, but decides a Foogle search of it will be suffice enough.

Maybe if she puts a ricin strip on her hoof and shook Solaris's hoof... actually... that sounds absolutely idiotic in every way shape or form and might make Suny Pictures mad at Twilight for stealing the entire plot to The Interwhew (title still pending.)

//Yes, we hired a new narrator. The old narrator quit because of how long it's taking to write these chapters and how fucking stupid I am to click publish instead of edit*\*

//Also, I received word that I'm being sued by Meme-Asuruas so that's a plus-side... I guess... WELP! Time for a third mortgage on my house!

Leaving the bathroom, purposefully a mess, she turned around and went right back into the bathroom to clean up the mes she made. Call it her being a nice person if you will, but the truth is she would rather clean up her mess than let someone else take care of it.

Twilight Sparkle left the bathroom, purposefully clean, and brimming with anger.

Question: How the hell did they get an entire fucking orcrestra to play that music behind me?!

The world may never know.

"Twilight Sparkle," Solaris greets, still smiling from the incident earlier. Twilight Sparkle merely glares back her response and sits back into her mind, her tail wraps neatly over her hooves. Her chest feels funny, her lungs felt almost... numb...

Something's off.

Twilight Sparkle turns around to find Fawn Saber and Battalion Vortex standing at attention, legs spread equally, baring top notch, face still as stone. Twilight Sparkle looks on with curiosity, gazing at the features of Vortex briefly before looking forward and back to space. That's not true, actually, for Twilight Sparkle stared into the face of Vortex. Something... feeling off... about the stallion.

"Oi, Twilight, flirt with your coltfriend later!" Solaris snaps Twilight Sparkle back to attention, looking forward. However, she couldn't focus.

Something's definitely wrong...

Twilight Sparkle not focusing? Impossible. The god in front of her rambles on about really important things, although, Twilight Sparkle counted three of
The world... the colors... ringing...

Twilight's ears ring. Ears. EARS.
Anesthetics...

Bloody hell, someone's drugged me....