Rainbow Dash Pushes Tea

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash, Random
Length: 884

Rainbow Dash is in cloud jail for blowing up the weather factory. That doesn't mean she can't run a bustling drug empire though. Except it does. Expect mangoes, crawdads, coat hangers, paper towel rolls, and retcons. And office furniture rentals.

Rainbow Dash is in cloud jail for blowing up the weather factory. That doesn't mean she can't run a bustling drug empire though. Except it does. Expect mangoes, crawdads, coat hangers, paper towel rolls, and retcons. And office furniture rentals.

PRAISE FOR THE STORY:
"This is a great example of 'Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.' Super has mentioned his lack of focus in recent blog posts; if this is all he is capable of writing right now, maybe he shouldn't be writing." ~Super Trampoline

A hearty thank you to my Patreon patrons Singularity Dream, ocalhoun, and Littlecolt! This story, being not very good, is not a Patreon story.

Published 2015-09-22 14:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-22 14:00:03 UTC

Peter New Chapter

Twilight visited Rainbow Dash in cloud jail. Rainbow was in cloud jail for blowing up the weather factory. Because environmental sabotage is uncool, m'kay.

"Hey, Twilight, I thought you were dead. Didn't you go splat or something?" Indeed, Twilight Sparkle had thrown herself off a tall building in the previous installment of this series, because she didn't want to be alive anymore. This is called suicide, and it's bad. Suicide is September Prevention Month. If you ever feel like ending your life, please don't, and instead call 1 (800) 273-8255, at least if you live in the US. Equestria doesn't have a phone system up and running yet, I guess if you live there, you're boned. But do you know what they do have? Ants. Ants are the universal constant of our world.

"Well, yes, I did indeed turn myself into a ground-piñata in the last story. However, remember, I'm a time traveller?"

"Oh yeah, you are," said Rainbow Dash, suddenly getting a headache. Still, I'm pretty sure you went splat.

"Well yes, I did in the old timeline. But then in the afterlife, George Harrison visited me and showed me a future where candy ponies could be accepted for what they were, ponies that tasted good. He said that if I made out with him on alternating dead Tuesdays for the next six months, he would give me a chance at redemption. I'm not a big fan of humans, but hey, a chance at redemption is a chance at redemption."

Dash nodded so that this story wouldn't suffer from talking heads syndrome. "So you took him up on his offer?"

Twilight smiled on the other side of the bars of ice. "I'm here now, aren't I?"

"Yes, yes, you are. But how'd you do it?" Rainbow asked inquisitively, as if every question isn't inquisitive by nature.

Twilight held up a hollow metal object. "I wore a body thimble."

Rainbow chortled, raising an eyebrow, but not in a pervy way like that one screengrab from that one daring do episode everypony hates. "Channeling Doc Brown, I see. Very nice."

Twilight is perplexed by the sudden tense shift, but she is also perplexed by her friend's statement. "Who's 'Doc Brown'," she asks.

Rainbow is surprised that she hasn't watched or at least heard of Back to the Future, "I'm surprised you haven't watched or at least heard of Back to the Future, considering how many references you make to humans."

"What's a human?"

Rainbow Dash is confused. "Weren't you literally just now talking about sticking your tongue in the mouth of a human guitarist?"

"What's a mouth?"

"ARUGHHH, Twilight, stop!"

"Stop what?" Twilight asks, having suddenly been struck by amnesia.

Rainbow Dash suddenly is scared. "Do... d-do you remember your own name?"

"Yeah," the purple unicorn replies, "I'm... I'm... I'm... oh dear, who am I?"

"You're a blockhead, that's who you are," Rainbow replies. Then she hits the pause button. Time for a do-over.

...

...Twilight held up a hollow metal object. "I wore a body thimble. Also, I'm suddenly feeling a strong case of déjà vu. Also, I didn't kill Apple Bloom this time around. But seriously, what just happened."

Rainbow shrugged. You went off script and the tense abruptly changed. I think the story path got corrupted or something. Anyway, so yeah, when you took George up on his deal, how far back did he send you?"

"He sent me to shortly before I killed Apple Bloom, while whispering the enigmatic words 'Remember to wash your mangoes.' I have no clue what that means."

"So you decided Apple Bloom could live?"

"Yes. I pictured a future where we did not have to hunt candy people like robot people are hunted in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. Especially since I now know I am one."

"A robot person?"

"No, a candy pony. I can still learn to live and maybe even love other ponies, even though I'm an alien creature, with "alien" here meaning "foreign in concept," not "out of this world. It will be like all those changeling romance stories, but stupider."

"Right. So Twilight, have you come to my cloud jail to free me from my cloud jail cell?"

"No, I came because I got a letter from you saying that you wanted to discuss some 'business proposition'. So, Miss Saboteur, what do you have in mind?"

Raindow Dash brightened considerably. "Spppt, Twilight! Want to buy some tea?"

Twilight grimaced. "Uh, thanks Dash, but I already have plenty of tea at home."

Rainbow shook her head. "No, not that kinda tea. Tea."

"Uhhhhhh"

"Grrr. Twilight, Do you want to buy some weed?"

"Weed, like, marijuana?"

"Yeah. Or as cool pones call it, 'tea'."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Literally the only place I've ever seen it called 'tea' is in Westside Story, and that's only because they couldn't get away with direct drug references in the fifties."

"Right, thank you, dork. So how about it? Buy some joints?"

"You do realize that I'm technically a government official now, right?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess, sure."

"You're trying to sell regulated drugs to a government official?"

"I mean, my last customer was Rob Ford, so yeah?"

"Uh. Let me tell you the problem with that."...

TO BE CONTINUED!!!