Applejack lay in bed on her side, having just woken up. She gave her powerful muscles a long sultry stretch and sat up from bed - it was extra warm in bed, so it was harder to summon the willpower to get out and on her feet. Grabbing her hat from the bedpost, she slowly walked to her bedroom window to take in the morning view.
She watched with blissful satisfaction through the window as dawn broke over Sweet Apple acres. As the sun peeked over the horizon, beautiful crepuscular rays shone onto the famous apple crop, spreading quickly from the east orchard to the west one. Birds began to sing, the last of the vampire bats fled the light, and bunnies scurried about the trees. To wrap up the gorgeous scene, the dark purple and pink of dawn gently transitioned into the bright blue sky and white puffy cumulus of the day.
That view never got old. Applejack let out a contented sigh, and she decided she could get away with a short snooze before starting chores. She climbed back into bed and under the covers, tilted her hat on her head and snuggled her pillow, thinking of the clouds lazily drifting by. After laying on one side for a bit, she rolled onto her other side and came face to face with Discord. He was also under the covers.
She screamed.
Discord smiled dreamily and screamed provocatively along with her.
Seconds later the door exploded, blown off its hinges followed by the red blur that was Big Macintosh. As soon as he saw them in bed together he froze and went weak in the knees, horrified by the scene. Apple Bloom was peeking out from behind him.
"...Uuhh...SIS?! DISCORD?!" His eyes darted back and forth between the two and pleaded for an explanation.
"Well, I'm afraid that's all the time we have Applejack, see you next week? Same bat-time, same bat-channel! Toodles!"
And with that, the prankster disappeared. Applejack hadn't recovered fast enough from her shock to give an answer; All she could do was stare in horror as the scene unfolded.
Apple Bloom bounded through the broken doorway.
"Whoa big sis! Ah didn't know you were gettin' it on! No wonder yer so tired all the time! Was it good fer you?!"
Applejack would have given all the apples on the farm if she could die right then and there.
Big Mac rounded on Bloom confused, angry and terrified all at once.
"THIS DON'T CONCERN Y'ALL! LEAVE!"
"Ah shucks, ah'm not too little for grown up talk...." She grumbled on her way out. Big Mac stormed after her.
"How do y'all know about...uuh, the birds and the bees?" He cried angrily. After a moment Applejack could hear the argument carry on in the den.
Then Granny hobbled over the threshold.
"Oh my Goddess...here we go..." Applejack whispered to herself. The realization that she was about to face Granny's wrath suddenly brought her back into the land of coherent thought.
"Now Granny, this ain't at all what it looks like..." said Applejack, her voice shaking.
"APPLEJACK! For Goddess' sake, how could you?" She clambered into the bed and started to smack her granddaughter on the head - Said granddaughter did her best to soften the blows by holding her hat tight like a shield, which it was clearly not designed for.
The Elder Smith grabbed the Stetson and proceeded to beat the hay out of Applejack with her own hat, an irony that was not lost on the orange farm pony.
"Granny! Please listen, OW, it really ain't what it looks like! OW, Honest!" she appealed.
Granny Smith halted her hat-beating, but fury radiated from her eyes.
"What would your parents think?! I'm glad they can't see what's happened to their little filly!" She raised the hat again, preparing to score a critical hit on Applejack square across the nose.
"Granny, PLEASE let me explain!" cried Applejack, now actually fearing for her life.
"You don't have to explain, HARLOT!" screeched Granny Smith as she struck true, stunning the orange pony. Them she plunged the hat into Applejack's mouth.
"MPPH! GRMMMYY! SHTOOPP!!" She struggled to get her hat out of her mouth as Granny continued her wrath. She wanted to roll out of the bed and flee but Granny was on top of her, and she didn't want to hurt the old mare by throwing her off.
"By all that is good in Equestria, how could you allow yourself to go all the waaay!" She accentuated the "way" with rapid pummels to the younger horse, who finally managed to cough out the hat. She had had enough.
"GRANNY! CUT IT OUT!" Applejack grabbed her grandmother and tossed her off the side of the bed as gently as she could. Seizing the opportunity, she scrambled out of bed and sprinted out the shattered doorframe. Granny called out behind her.
"I'm not done with you young lady! You ain't gonna be orange anymore by the time I'm done with you, you'll be purple like Twilight!"
Applejack ran by Mac and Bloom in the den. They were still arguing.
"...Look, ah'm not a baby! I can go find mah own boyfriend to have fun with if Applejack can!"
"NOPE!!"
"But maybe I'll get mah cutie mark in..."
"NOPE!!"
"But ah'm practically legal!"
"NOOOOPE!!!"
Applejack continued her flee for survival out the front door and stopped for just a moment, pointing herself in the direction of the thickest orchard. Maybe if she could make it to Fluttershy's place, lie low for a while...
Just then, a lasso made its presence known around her body.
Her life flashed before her eyes as she scrabbled for grip on the ground.
"AAAPPLEJAAACK!" Granny shrieked from the front door. "YOU SORDID WHORSE!! You wait 'till I get my hooves on you!!"
Applejack screamed as she was dragged into the house, leaving hoof tracks in the ground - the door slammed shut.
Discord watched from the distant treetops roaring laughter. Applejack was having an interesting morning, and Granny Smith's old-world conservatism was playing out nicely.
Now, who was next? Loyalty? Maybe he could remove Rainbow Dash's cloud walking ability and enjoy watching her attempt to land for a nap again and again, and leave her that way for a month or so. It'd definitely teach her a lesson in humility....
"DISCORD!"
He cringed when he heard it, recognized the voice before she even finished his name.
"Uuh, um, helloooo Fluttershy!"
"Don't you hello me mister! Now you tell me what you did." The beginnings of the Stare began to make themselves known.
"Weeeell, uh, I MAY have, um, played a teensy tiny prank on your friend Applejack. Nothing too harsh, of course."
"A tiny prank? Then why is Granny Smith beating the hay out of our friend?"
Discord felt about 1 foot tall; this naturally led to him actually becoming 1 foot tall.
"Well?" Asked the normally shy mare, tapping her hoof.
"I may or may not have, aah, pretended to have...ummm...ho, this is actually quite embarrassing - slept with Applejack." He winced and waited for her response.
Fluttershy didn't move. She didn't blink, and she didn't make a sound.
Now Discord was worried - had he gone too far?
"Fluttershy...have I gone too far? Please tell me!"
Her eye twitched.
"Fluttershy, please! Say something!"
"...Did you...?" She was back to her quite whisper of a voice, except it was even quieter than normal.
"What? It was only pretend, it was a joke, a prank!" Discord began to panic.
"You were in BED. With APPLEJACK?!" She reared up, suddenly quite terrifying.
His mind screamed DANGER.
She bucked him so hard in the face that he wheeled around as if struck by a bear - his last thought was that he was sure he'd be bedded for at least a week. The blow sounded like Iron Will landing a haymaker on a punching bag.
"APPLEJAAAACK! I'LL KILL YOU!!!"
She took off sprinting in the direction of the Apple farmhouse.
Discord lie on the ground unconscious, his jaw swelling.
Fluttershy blasted open the Apple's front door to find and murder one of her best friends - but it looked like someone may have beat her to the punch.
Or punching.
Granny Smith stood over Applejack, who was curled up into a ball in a vain attempt to protect herself from the elderly mares blows. Big Mac and Apple Bloom could be heard arguing loudly upstairs about an edgy subject. The house looked like a disaster area - books, cookware and throw blankets were strewn about the floor, and the closet full of spare bows and hats was open. Subsequently the floor was scattered with bows and hats everywhere.
Fluttershy gasped as Granny grabbed a rolling pin from the kitchen and tried to bean Applejack over the head with it.
"Granny, STOP!" she and Fluttershy cried together.
Granny Smith actually stopped, looking at the rolling pin in her hand. She suddenly looked ashamed.
Fluttershy ran to the kitchen and grabbed two frying pans.
"These are much harder!"
And the Element of Kindness and Granny Smith beat Applejack on the ground with frying pans.
"WHYYYY??!' WHYYYY?!!" shreiked Applejack.
THE END
