Don't Touch My Stuff!

by MisterNick

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor, Sex, Flash Sentry, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 3018

Shining Armor hates it when he's dragged along on one of Princess Cadence's decorating sprees. Even worse she's set her sights on his prized game room and his military offices. He may have to do the unexpected to keep them the way he likes.

Shining Armor hates being dragged along on Princess Cadence's decorating sprees. However, when he hears that she's planning on transforming his prized game room and military offices he realizes he has to put his hoof down and may have to resort to unorthodox tactics to convince her otherwise.

Will Shining Armor prevail or will he wind up mired in a world of apricot bows and possibly other frou frou designs?

Tagged sex for the assumptions of certain characters

The song lyrics follow the music of The Dead Kennedys' Holiday in Cambodia

Published 2015-09-24 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-24 22:00:02 UTC

Don't Touch My Stuff!

Shining Armor’s frown was in full bloom as he trudged behind his wife. He hated decorating. He hated looking at swatches of fabric. He loathed the three by three color samples that were taped to various walls and that required him to imagine that color in the entire room. What was worst of all though was that his wife, Princess Cadence, knew he didn’t like any of this and yet insisted on dragging him along; well he and a couple of decorators that would agree with anything she said. They were typical sycophants.

The unicorn lived by three rules of design and insisted that when it came to his game room his guard offices that they be followed. They were simple rules. The first rule was if it were comfortable sit on it. The second if it were sturdy put something on it and finally if it could make the music louder and sound better rock out with it. They were simple, effective and had served him well. Fortunately for him Cadence had promised when they first moved into the Crystal Castle that he could keep those rooms the way he liked them.

“These apricot bows will be perfect in his game room,” said Princess Cadence.

Shining Armor’s ears perked up as the words echoed throughout the antechamber that led to his part of the castle. “What do you mean ‘in his game room’?”

“Oh weren’t you paying attention earlier? I’m redoing your part of the castle,” said a smiling Cadence as she flipped through various swatches, “It’s just so drab and doesn’t go with anything else around here.”

Shining Armor shook his head rapidly, every muscle under his white coat clenched more than when he had that hernia test back in basic training. He could feel the blood rush to his face as his horn began to spark. He knew if he weren’t careful he just might catch his blue mane on fire. It was bad enough that she didn’t seem to consider his opinion on various policies important, but to also take away his sanctuary, with apricot bows no less? “Honey,” said Shining Armor slowly, “We talked about this. You said I could keep those rooms the way I liked them. They’re mine to do with as I see fit.”

“Well you have and now I’m going to make it right,” said Cadence as she swished her tail, “For starters your instruments were strewn all over said game room.”

“They are on the right side of the room in their stands. Well, except for the stratocaster, I was using that last night.”

“Also, your tabletop gaming supplies were just stuffed willy-nilly on the book cases.”

“I put those back where they belong, alphabetized and categorized. I learned that from my sister.”

“The military offices-“

“Are simple and well organized,” interrupted Shining Armor, “Anypony who works there can find what they need fairly quickly.”

“They need a princess’ touch,” replied the pink alicorn princess curtly.

“She’s redoing them sir,” said the shorter of the two designers in a haughty tone, “Clearly your wife has a better taste and frankly is not so obsessed with the utilitarian.” The taller of the two designers nodded in agreement, much to Cadence’s delight.

The former guard captain, current prince could feel his blood boiling. He shut his eyes and imagined what he would do. First, he would wring the necks of the designers and toss them off of the balcony. Heck, it would be downright satisfying. Then he could contend with his wife. Each delicious plan ran through his mind and played to his worst instincts. Maybe he could use some of the tactics that a changeling had used on him and make some of her stuff look dull. If he concentrated hard enough maybe could drain her magic, weaken her, and get her to give into anything he wanted.

He inhaled deeply ready to lay a curse so hard upon the design team they would think that King Sombra had returned to terrorize them and yet when he opened his eyes he knew he couldn’t. There she was in front of him, the pony he loved, Cadence. He’d pursued her, fought for her and in turn she had fought for him in battles versus changelings, crystal kings and even monsters from the very pits of Tartarus. Shining Armor sighed, he loved her too much to do that to her. He would have to do something else.

Slowly, the Prince backed his way to the pillar farthest from the group. Once there, he reached behind it and pulled a small carefully concealed cord, three long pulls followed by three short pulls. “Dear,” he called out sweetly, “Do you remember our honeymoon?”

“Well of course I remember out honeymoon sweetie,” said Princess Cadence smiling cheerfully as she examined various fabrics for new drapes, “Why do you ask?”

Shining Armor sighed and looked down as he dug his hoof into the tile a bit. He looked up and noticed three shadows taking their positions behind various pillars on the opposite end of the antechamber, “Well do you remember how we spent all night watching movies? I mean we were just so tired after everything that had happened.”

“Yeah, why do you ask,” said Cadence as she levitated a new book of swatches in front of her.

“I know you’ve got a great memory,” said Shining Armor smiling softly as he slowly walked up to her, “Do you happen to remember what they were?”

“Really,” asked Princess Cadence as she quirked her brow, “That’s what you want to know about, right now?”

“Yeah, it’s kind of important.”

Cadence sighed and thought back as she continued to look through the various fabric samples stopping on some violet velvet that shone in the sunlight just perfectly, “Well, yes I remember a couple of them. Let’s see there was that one about the seaponies digging for buried treasure at the bottom of the ocean. “

“That was Poseidon Adventure. Kind of a classic. ”

“Yeah, and then there was that scary one with the vampire who took up dentistry.”

“Vampire Dentist. I never liked that one but, when you’re tired you sort of forgive that sort of thing.”

“True and you know I never liked going to the dentist. Something about somepony’s hooves in your mouth asking you to spit and swallow is just unnerving,” she said with a shiver.

Shining Armor nodded in agreement as he sidled up to his wife, “Yeah, but you know there was one more that I know we saw that I’m certain you’d remember.”

Princess Cadence blinked handing the fabric to the two now frustrated designers, as a slight blush kissed her cheeks, “Um, I’m not sure dear. It-it seems to have slipped my mind.”

“Oh I think you remember it.”

“Um- maybe I do.”

“Does a little movie called Boogie Knights ring any bells?”

At the mere mention of the movie one of the designers gasped audibly. The princess’ blush deepened and brushed her hair back from her face as she looked into her husband’s eyes, “Um- yes? I – I think I remember it.”

Shining Armor gently caressed her face, before cupping it gently in his hooves. His gaze was tender at first but rapidly cooled, “If you touch my stuff, if you don’t respect my wishes, darling, things are going to change. One of those things is that I’m going to live my life in the way that my screen idol Dirt Digger lived his!”

“Oh my,” gasped the shorter designer as he collapsed to the floor.

Cadence blinked and shook her head, “Wait what? But doesn’t he- Didn’t he- At the end- What!?”

Shining Armor put one of his forelegs around her pulling her close the other stretched out briefly gestured to the open sky and said, “I will do it all! The songs, the wild physical acrobatics, all of it!”

“You will not!”

“I will too and I’ll tell you something else, I won’t be a mere Boogie Knight! No ma’am,” he said his voice growing louder and more manic by the second, “I will be a King!”

Cadence stared at her husband, mouth agape. Periodically he had come up with some bizarre ideas. Once he’d suggested a reunion tour of his band The Mystic Knights of the Electric Stable and even wanted to release a new album called Dead Mare’s Party. Another time he wanted to create an army of tatzlewurm’s to invade Yakyakistan because they were poor party guests, and because he really wanted one of their hats. This however, was completely insane! “But, darling,” she said slowly, “You’re already a prince and I’m a princess. We rule together! We just need to pretty up your stuff is all. Your stuff needs to match my stuff! That’s how it works!”

“Nope I will be king. I will be the king that Dirt Digger always wanted to be upside down maps, banana peels and all,” laughed Shining Armor, “You will be my queen and this country will no longer be called the Crystal Empire!”

Princess Cadence’s eyes widened as she took a step back. She looked over at the designers, one of whom was fanning the other, and found no help. Her eyes darted back to her husband. She’d have to talk him out of this mania, “O-okay dear, what will you call it?”

“Baculum; and I will be The King of the Boners,” he shouted triumphantly before bursting into mad power hungry giggling.

“Oh sweet Celestia,” cried Cadence.

“It’ll be great! With my cunning, agility and strength I’ll be able to pull boners all over Baculum!

“You’re mad!”

“No! I’ll be living,” He shouted hooves raised in the air, “I’ll pull boners here, on the street, in court, at birthday parties, and anywhere else I can all to the delight of onlookers young and old!”

“I’d pay to see it,” said the conscious designer.

Princess Cadence shot an icy glance at the design pony and stared him down as he dragged his unconscious partner from their presence. Her back knotted up as she tried to calm herself with the breathing technique that she’d taught her sister in-law, Twilight Sparkle, “Do you even know what you’re saying?”

Shining Armor oblivious to her question continued, “They’ll come from all over just to watch me do it! I’ll become famous for my boners and then they will say, ‘All hail The Boner King Shining Armor and Cadence the Bone-“

“No! Don’t you even think of finishing that sentence,” she shouted, “I am the rightful Princess of the Crystal Empire! I will not be referred to as that.”

“Oh but you will!”

“Oh no I won’t,” growled Cadence as she trembled in anger, “You’ve gone barking mad!”

“Then don’t lay one hoof on what you’d promised you wouldn’t touch!”

“I’ll touch whatever I want,” screeched Princess Cadence.

Suddenly the strumming of an electric guitar echoed through the chamber soon followed by a drum set and other guitars. Cadence glanced about in shock. Had she gone mad? Had her husband pushed her to the brink of insanity? The princess backed up toward a pillar as Shining Armor watched her nodding to the beat of the song. Then without much warning he opened his mouth and began singing in a way that she’d never heard before.

“So you’ve been the ruler for a year or two

And you think you know it all.

But you forgot that I’ll go to pot

If I don’t have space to grow.

Alicorns act like they know all the facts

Cause no one will say no.

So you run around, and act like a clown

Unaware, the anger you sow.

It’s time, for you, to learn a lesson here.

You won’t, even, need a seer.

Need space my loving dear.

Need space my loving dear.

Or I’ll take a holiday in Equestria

And party without strife!

A holiday in Equestria!

Where I’ll forget about my wife!

You’ve got a heart on your flank, but act just like a tank

You always wanna run me down

Pretend that I’m not even there

Even though we share the crown.

Well now it’s all up to you, so whatcha gonna do

When the changelings invade again?

Feed them love until they use you up

Then raze this place, the end?

This ending is pretty tough

So please just don’t, touch my stuff.

Or I will split from here

Or I will split from here.

On a holiday in Equestria

Where the princess of the night

On that Holiday in Equestria

Might just treat me right.

Lu Na Lu Na

Lu Na Lu Na

Lu Na Lu Na

Holiday in Equestria,

Where all the drinks are cold

Holiday in Equestria

Where my stuff won’t be sold.

Lu Na!”

As the music faded from the room Cadence stared at her husband in disbelief. She gazed into his piercing blue eyes that were filled with the confidence of a would be rock star. A smile slowly crept over her face and she began to giggle.

“What,” asked Shining Armor his own confident smirk starting to quiver.

“Oh my,” she started before her giggling erupted into full on laughter. “You totally co-opted that song and just made up lyrics that fit!”

“No- no I didn’t,” sputtered Shining Armor, “It’s totally original!”

“Uh, no it’s not,” shouted a voice from behind one of the pillars.

“Shut up Flash! It totally is,” shouted Shining Armor as he tried to cover his face.

“You dork,” laughed Cadence, “It is not. I have that album. We used to listen to it pretty regularly senior year. You should know by now that I love Jello’s music.”

“Oh, yeah that’s right,” replied Shining Armor as the memories of many a study session slowly returned to him. He then chuckled and said with a smirk, “I guess that’s true.”

Cadence sidled up to Shining Armor and gently swatted him on the back of the head with one of her wings, “Well of all of the things I expected today, a musical ambush wasn’t one of them.”

“Classic military tactics dear,” replied Shining Armor puffing out his chest a bit, “You know the kind of things I draw up in my office or my game room.”

Cadence smirked and kissed him on the cheek, “Honey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to mess with your stuff. I guess we all need our own spaces to relax or work in without somepony else tinkering with them.”

“Thanks sweetie,” said Shining Armor as he pulled Cadence close and gave her a kiss, “And if on occasion maybe you want to visit and listen to me and the new Knights of the Electric Stable or something I think it could be arranged.”

“Ooh, I get to be a groupie,” commented playfully as she looked behind her husband, “So who’s behind the pillars?”

“Oh just some of the guys,” said Shining Armor waving a hoof to dismiss them.

“Really? They aren’t bad,” said Cadence as the various guards started heading for the door. “Was that Flash Sentry on bass?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey Flash, get over here,” called out Cadence.

The orange guard pony turned about with a gulp and trotted over to the couple, “Yes your highnesses.”

“Oh knock it off,” said Cadence, “I know you two are buddies. Only real friends would back each other up in such a bizarre way.”

“I guess so your high- er Cadence.”

“You’re pretty good on the bass. Keep it up okay?”

Flash smiled, “Well, thanks!”

Cadence looked about the antechamber and noted that her designers and their supplies had disappeared. She shrugged, “Well I guess I’m not going to be doing anymore decorating for now. So, what are you up to tonight?”

Shining Armor paused briefly and looked at Flash, “Well Twilight is coming over and we’re going to start up a new D&D campaign with a couple of others. She says she’s written this one herself.”

“Really now, she's not going to use any books at all?"

Shining Armor gave an exaggerated sigh, “Well, that remains to be seen.”

“She likes to dress up for it. Sometimes if you look closely at her robes, you can see where she’s trying to hide the module she’s using, ” said Flash who then quickly glanced over to Shining Armor, “Not that I was really looking mind you! Guard’s honor!”

“You know,” said Cadence slowly, “I haven’t rolled in a long time.”

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow, “Are you saying you want to play even though my room is so unseemly?”

Cadence smiled and swatted him in the back of the head with her wing again, “Does Celestia raise the sun,” she said and trotted off.

Shining Armor and Flash Sentry watched as Cadence headed off. Flash shook his head, “You two are kind of weird, you know that don’t you?”

“Oh yeah,” said Shining Armor as the two walked toward the game room.

“And this was a really bizarre fight.”

“Yeah,” said Shining Armor with a shrug, “But you know, if you find somepony that you can share your weirdness with, even when you get the occasional dust up, it’s pretty fun.”

“Yeah well, I think I’m gonna stay single for now. I don’t know enough chords to handle a relationship,” said Flash who then cast a side long glance at Shining Armor, “What the heck was all of that about boners and changing the name of the Crystal Empire?”

“Well, Cadence doesn’t really like ponies making obvious mistakes and blunders for humor. She likes to be surprised or the joke to be witty,” said Shining Armor with a shrug, “As far as the name goes, honestly, I opened the dictionary closed my eyes and picked a word. I don’t even know what it means.”

“Oh,” said Flash as he handed the bass over to Shining Armor, “So, usual time and more snacks because we’re plus one now?”

“Yep.”

“Okay then,” said Flash Sentry as he headed off, “I’ll tell the others.”