Author's Note

So this started after I'd read Bucking Nonsense's chapter of 'I'm going to save' that featured the Ballmer's peak. I looked it up and chuckled, then I thought "What if there are other peaks?" This is the result. I regret nothing other than how long it took me to get back to it and finish it.

One more couldn't hurt, right?

Princess Celestia sat at her dinner table, eating her favorite meal. It was a wonderful salad, complete with green peppers, carrots, tomatoes, and mushrooms all sprinkled with a wonderful dressing one of her old chefs had made from scratch years ago. She'd kept the recipe, and Caesar's name would forever be linked to the most wondrous salads ever eaten in the Canterlot Palace. The best part though, was the dessert. A beautiful and scrumptious slice of angel food cake.

Cake; it was her vice and she knew it. Tartarus, everyone knew it after the Foal Free Press incident. It wasn't like she went out of her way to hide her love of the pastry either. More ponies knowing she liked cake meant more cakes sent her way as nobles tried to worm their way into her good graces. One would think the sheer number of cakes sent her way by brown nosers and social climbers would bring a tear to her eye but no, that tear was reserved for the final fate of those cakes. Originally her dietician had started intercepting every extra cake sent her way. While it was technically his job to make sure she stayed healthy, the stallion became a tad overzealous sometimes. One day she'd asked what he was doing with all of those extra cakes, and he'd simply said he disposed of them.

Celestia had nearly launched him from the balcony at such a blasphemous idea, but had settled on correcting the error. She'd made the unicorn send the extra cakes to the Canterlot Orphanage, or her School for the Gifted, or even the Equestrian Military Academy. Certainly it was painful knowing all those sweets meant for her never reached her, but it was a better fate then a garbage dump. At least somepony was able to enjoy them.

Soon her meal was finished, the princess retiring to her room for the evening. Her dietician did his silly check of her room for hidden snacks as he always did, then she shut the door and removed a book from the shelf. Even as she reclined on her couch to read, her horn glowed, a single slice of strawberry cheesecake descending from its hiding place in her chandelier. She giggled as she partook of the forbidden treat. Why did things you weren't supposed to eat have to taste so good?

Finishing her extra snack as well as an additional chapter of the newest science fiction novel, an interesting novel about a young alien farmer who finds himself in the midst of a galactic war, the princess retired for the night. She slipped into her plush covers, snuggling into the warm nest of pillows to let her mind rest.

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The next morning dawned bright and early. Well, it would soon enough anyway. The sun didn't rise until she did, after all. Wiping the last vestiges of sleep from her eyes, Celestia made her way to her balcony, raising the sun as she had for longer than Equestria had existed. The princess slipped out of her room, passing by the guards stationed outside her door. That was when she first noticed something was wrong.

The guards grunted, doubling over and groaning in what sounded to her like pain. Instantly she had turned around to check on them, only to hear another gasp from farther down the hallway. Tearing her sight from the curled up guards, she caught sight of a young serving pony, the mare staring off into the distance with tears in her eyes.

The alicorn was thoroughly confused now. What hurt her ponies? She'd not seen anything pass by her, so what was causing them pain? As she started moving to the maid, one of the guards grunted again, followed by a pitiable whine of pain.

"No more, please..." he mumbled softly. The other guard was staring off into the distance much like the maid was. A few seconds later, she saw the second guard blink a few times, returning to this reality. Certain he could help his comrade while she tended to the maid, she took three steps before the second guard whimpered, grunting a second time. By the time she turned to look again, his eyes had rolled back.

'What in Tartarus is going on here?' the princess wondered. She finally reached the serving mare, and noticed exactly what was wrong. The mare had suffered...an orgasm? The Prench outfit the little pegasus was wearing was dripping wet right at the back, while the mare was absolutely dead to the world. Turning back to the doubled over guards, Celestia blanched, the thick scent of semen reaching her nose.

Her face scrunched up in confusion. Was it a disease? Perhaps Discord had finally stumbled upon a biology book and learned where foals came from and decided to mess around with her subjects? Perhaps it was changelings, attempting to weaken her ponies, leaving them incapable of defending themselves!

In a flash the princess was in her personal armory, fitting herself in her golden armor. She laid the main section over her barrel, strapped on her leg guards, applied her helmet, and placed her spear from its sheath over her back. Taking a few steps towards the door, the alicorn stopped, staring at a mirror.

Most of the armor still fit, as it had for centuries. Towards the back though the armor seemed to be, strained for lack of a better word. Using her magic, she pulled it down to fit properly only to hear a pop as one of the golden links gave way, causing a cascade effect of similar pops, eventually leaving her flanks exposed as the armor peeled back like a banana's skin.

Celestia blushed at the scene, cursing her enemies once again. It seemed the fiends had shrunk her armor as well! They were certainly well prepared.

Removing the damaged armor and making a mental note to have it repaired before too long, the princess felt the familiar call of her sister. Relieved that the other alicorn was still up and about, Celestia teleported again, this time to the lunar mare's room.

"Luna, something's happening! I don't know who, but I believe somepony is planning an attack on Canterlot!"

Luna blinked awake at the sudden interruption and explosion of worry from her sister. "Tia, do you not think you are being a bit too worried? The last time you tried to convince me of something like this it was a mouse stealing your sweet-wheats."

"I'm telling you, Lulu! Something tampered with my armor!"

"Tia, you haven't worn it in centuries. Of course it doesn't fit anymore," the darker alicorn deadpanned.

"Something attacked two guards and a maid in my presence and I saw nothing! How do you explain that one, sister?" Celestia responded in a rush, eyes darting back and forth as she scanned the room.

Luna just huffed, finally getting up out of her bed. Considering there were no ponies screaming, it was likely her sister was overreacting once more.

"Alright Tia, we'll scan the area for anything you may have miss- you did do a magical scan to check for invisible creatures, did you not?"

At Celestia's nervous chuckle, Luna rolled her eyes.

"Fear not, Tia. I shall check under thy bed for the beast that has waylaid thy guards and maid."

The two found the guards and maid being seen to by other guards, though to Luna's confusion the new guards were jeering at their fellows and making light of the situation. Picking up her pace, she reached them first.

"Pray tell, what was it that occurred to these individuals?"

Celestia, still nervous about being attacked, began looking around the halls for any sign of the attacker. She cast the spells that would allow her to detect any individuals not visible to the naked eye as her sister suggested, only flickering an ear when her sister began laughing along with the new guards. They were all fools, it would strike them when they least expected, she just knew-

A few grunts and squeaks of surprise from behind her caused her to whip around, her horn blazing with power as she began casting every detection spell she knew. It had struck again! This time even Luna was staring off into the distance, her legs shaking. She heard a grunt behind her and spun, seeing yet another pair of guards on their faces before her sister and the first group were waylaid again! It was madness! She couldn't sense anything, she knew something was attacking them, but couldn't detect it no matter what she did!

Teleporting out of the hallway and into her personal study, she tried to calm herself and called out to one she knew would either admit to the wrongdoing or be able to identify the issue.

"Discord! Where are you?"

"No need to shout. I'm right over here, Tia," Discord replied, lounging on her window sill with a pamphlet titled The Wall and You.

"Something's wrong. Something's in the castle!"

The draconequus blinked and stared at her.

"You don't say."

"This is serious, Discord! It hit Luna!"

That seemed to perk the trickster's curiosity. With a snap of his talons he was gone, likely to inspect the scene of the attack.

As she paced the room nervously looking about for any sign of the attacker and debating on siccing The Six on this thing, the Spirit of Chaos returned, a confused look on his face.

"That was possibly one of the strangest things I've ever seen," he muttered to himself, walking back over to his windowsill. "I mean, they didn't look hurt, but they certainly weren't able to move. And those smells, those dopey grins, it must mean something...tell me, Tia, what was it that-

Celestia, having looked away for a moment, stopped in horror. It had struck again, she knew it. Turning around, she found Discord had melted into a large pile of...batter? Cake batter, from the looks of it. She shook off her confusion. There was only one possibility. She had to see Twilight. Her student and friend would certainly be able to get to the bottom of this!

She teleported away, not noticing the pile of batter had manifested a pair of sunglasses. Nor did she hear the draconequus' pained utterance of 'Dat assss...' as his lips slowly melted away.

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Twilight Sparkle was interrupted from her studies by the door being flung open, Celestia carrying an unconscious Rainbow Dash on her back as she nervously entered the room.

"Princess Celestia! It's nice to see- oh horse feathers, I stayed up all night again, didn't I," the purple alicorn groused, rubbing her temple with a hoof.

"Later, Twilight! I need you to find out what keeps attacking ponies every time I turn my back! It even took out Discord and Luna! It must be stopped before there's nopony left!" the white mare nearly shouted, eyes still darting about as she looked for the attacker.

"Something took out- is it the same thing that took out Rainbow Dash? Is she okay?!?" Fatigue gave way to concern as Twilight approached, carefully checking the pegasus and noticing nothing out of place aside from the goofy grin on her face and the faint scent of arousal.

"I don't see anything wrong. Let me run a few tests on her and I'll find out what hit her. Go ahead and stay here princess. I'll be sure to keep a shield spell active over the Castle. Nothing gets in or out without my consent." With a flare of magic, the purple mare teleported herself and her prismatic friend into her lab, strapping the blue speedster onto a chair and running as many scans as quickly as possible.

As she was collating the data, she was surprised to hear a faint moan from the pony on the chair. Dash was awake! The data had so far been inconclusive, so perhaps an eye-witness account would help?

"Dash? Rainbow Dash, are you alright? What happened?"

"Huh? Oh, hey Twilight. I just saw the most awesome thing in the world. I know ponies were making fun of me, saying I was a filly-fooler and all but I think I'm totally okay with that now. It was just so beautiful..."

"What was it?" Twilight repeated the question, leaning up on the chair to get closer to the other mare's muzzle. "What did you see?"

"The most beautiful, most perfect flank in existence," Dash answered dreamily.

Twilight returned to the study some time later, finding Pinkie Pie insensate on the floor in a puddle of her own fluids as Celestia panicked and rushed around the room, looking for an attacker that didn't exist. Now that she knew the answer, it was kind of obvious, actually. It also raised several questions, questions she wasn't sure she was ready to receive the answers to.

"Princess Celestia, please calm down. There is no attacker."

"What? What are you talking about?!? It attacked your friend, even though you said-"

"Princess, there is no attacker. All of the data is pointing to one source of this reaction. After watching you running around my study for the last few minutes, I think I can safely say it's your butt that's causing this," Twilight answered with a faint blush on her cheeks. "It's too perfect."

Celestia stared at her student in confusion.

"My flank? How? How could it have done this? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Celestia, I was feeling aroused every time you ran by, showing your flank to me."

"So?"

"I'm asexual. I don't feel any attraction to mares or stallions."

Celestia blinked in confusion at the admission. Then her mind latched onto the additional fact. A pony who felt no attraction to other ponies at all found her sexy. Therefore ponies who did feel things about others...

"But, but I can't rule like this! I don't have any dresses that will fit me anymore! The last thing I had tailored was my armor, and that was five hundred years ago! How am I supposed to fix this!"

Calmly flying over Pinkie Puddle to her desk, Twilight began scribbling out a few lines on a spare piece of paper. She marked it with a spell and floated it over to the alicorn of the sun.

"An exercise regimen, for starters. I also suggest avoiding sweets for a while until you can drop back out of the 'Perfect Flanks' level. The spell will remind you if you forget to actually do the exercise. If you skip it completely it will alert me and I'll alert the Royal Physician."

Staring at the scroll and feeling its magic bind to her own, Celestia wept. Why did her flank have to be so perfect? All she wanted was to have her cake.