It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"You're crazy! This is a bad prank, and you should feel bad for thinking about it!"
"I have to agree with Sweetie Belle on this one."
"Ah'm not talking about actually making her my slave," Apple Bloom said, "Ah'm just scaring her a little, that's all."
"You're gonna get in trouble!" Sweetie Belle replied.
"Look, I want to get back at Diamond Tiara as much as the next pony," Scootaloo put in, "but there has got to be a better way to do it. What if she believes you?"
"Ha! What're the chances of that happening? Look, Ah've got this covered guys, Ah even got Zecora's help with the incantation. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Famous last words."
"Shhh! Here she comes!"
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo hid in the bushes, making sure Apple Bloom knew that she was alone in this endeavor. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon approached the schoolyard. The two "sugarlump" fillies always took the time to insult the Cutie Mark Crusaders after school, individually if not all at once. You could practically set your clock by it.
"Well, well, well," Diamond Tiara started, "if it isn't the founding crusader herself, Apple Blank."
"It's Apple Bloom, and you know it."
"Oops! I guess I was distracted by your blank flank!"
Silver Spoon rolled her eyes. She adored her purple friend, but honestly, her insults had gotten progressively worse as time went on. Snips and Snails once sold tickets to the daily insult session, but provided refunds after Diamond's third blank-flank insult.
Apple Bloom took a deep breath. "Still thy tongue, thou retched cur, lest you're absolutely sure that your soul is worth the price of your vile vicious vice!"
She began to circle Diamond Tiara like a predator, while Diamond Tiara tried to decipher the Shakesponian language. "Did you just call me a-"
"Silence! Since you spoke your mind, then I will put you in a bind!" Apple Bloom stopped in front of of her adversary and leaned in so close, Diamond Tiara could feel the heat of her breath on her lips. "From this 'til my death, or thine, your body...heart...and soul...are mine."
Before Diamond Tiara could react, Apple Bloom leaned in and kissed her. It wasn't a long kiss, but long enough for Silver Spoon to be stunned and for the other crusaders to be horrified.
A similarly horrified Diamond Tiara broke the kiss. "Wh-what the BUCK was that?"
"That," Apple Bloom replied, "was a little something Ah picked up during Twilight Time. Come tomorrow morning you'll be hopelessly devoted to me."
"Y-you're bluffing! The Princess would never teach a spell like that! You're not even a unicorn!"
"Never said Ah was." Apple Bloom turned and sauntered off with Diamond's eyes following her. "See you tomorrow, slave. Don't be late."
When Silver Spoon recovered from the shock, she noticed that her friend hadn't moved. "Still distracted by her blank flank, huh?" she teased.
"Sh-shut up!"
The next day, the CMC arrived at school the same time as always, but this time without the usual insults from Team Sugarlump. Instead, Diamond Tiara merely gave them an odd look as they passed on the road.
"See girls?" Apple Bloom said once they were out of earshot, "We finally got those two off our backs!"
"Did you guys hear a squee?" Scootaloo asked, "I thought I heard Silver Spoon squee."
"Was it a knowing squee, or a fan-girl squee?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"What's the difference?"
"Actually, not as much as you would think."
"Who cares what kinda squee it was?" Apple Bloom exclaimed, "We won the war!"
"Yeah, but at what price?" Sweetie Belle said, "You gave your first kiss to Diamond Tiara! I didn't even know you swung that way!"
"It was for a prank," Apple Bloom replied, "so it doesn't count as mah first. Besides, Ah don't swing that way. Remember the crush Ah had on Rumble?"
"That doesn't mean you are straight," Scootaloo put in, "since that was years ago and you didn't even know what sex was. It is possible that you're attracted to both stallions and mares, which would make you bisexual, or pansexual depending on how you feel about transgender ponies. Of course, who you fall in love with might be a different story altogether."
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stared at their pegasus friend. "What? You hang out with Rainbow Dash long enough, you pick up a few things."
The rest of the school day went by without incident. In fact, Diamond Tiara was so silent that Ms. Cheerilee had to double check to make sure that she was there. At the end of the the day, however, the CMC found their old antagonists outside at the usual time. Sweetie Belle knew it was too good to last.
What she did not expect, nor did anypony save Silver Spoon expect, was for Diamond Tiara to tackle Apple Bloom, yelling "Hold me Mistress!"
Wait, what?
"What the hay?!?" Apple Bloom exclaimed.
"Oh, Mistress Apple Bloom," Diamond Tiara said, "I tried to control myself, I tried to keep my dignity, but your spell has turned me into an ass, and I only yearn for your bosom's breath, my dear Queen Titania!"
"Wow. She really brushed up on her Shakespony." Sweetie Belle commented.
"Look," Apple Bloom said, trying to squirm out of her slave's grasp, "Ah'm flattered, really, but Ah didn't actually put a spell on you. I was just foolin'!"
"But you must have done something," Diamond Tiara countered, "for bewitchment is the only explanation for these desires deep in my heart, soul...and body." The poomf of Scootaloo's wings could be heard throughout the schoolyard.
"You seem oddly unsurprised about this." Sweetie Belle said to Silver Spoon.
"That's because Diamond Tiara has had these feelings for a while now," Silver Spoon replied, "but she's never admitted it to anyone. Not even herself."
Sweetie Belle did a double take. "Diamond Tiara has a crush on Apple Bloom?!? Actually, that does sound like a viable ship."
"Honey, you have no idea. I call it, Apple Tiara."
"Fitting."
Meanwhile, Apple Bloom had finally broke out of Diamond Tiara's hold. "Look, Ah don't want you to be mah slave!" she said.
Diamond Tiara's lip began to quiver. "You...you're repulsed by me."
"That's not what Ah-"
"No, no, I understand. I was always so mean to you, how could you love a repulsive being like me. But repulsive as I am, I will do whatever it takes to get you to notice me! Even if it means I must endure as much pain as I gave you!" She turned around and stuck her rump in Apple Bloom's face. "Punish me Mistress! My body is ready!"
"So many new fanfiction ideas..." Silver Spoon began to drool.
"Sit down, yah crazy pony!" Apple Bloom said, blushing furiously.
"Yes Mistress." Diamond Tiara obeyed without question.
"An' stop callin' me mistress!"
"Would you prefer Princess? My Lady? My Queen?"
"At this point, Ah'd prefer blank-flank!" Apple Bloom sighed. "Look, Diamond, Ah don't want a slave. Ah wasn't raised like that." Diamond Tiara' ears drooped.
"But...if you want to be mah marefriend...Ah suppose Ah wouldn't mind."
"Ohthankyouthankyouthankyou!" Diamond Tiara yelled, tackling her new marefriend, "I won't let you down! I'll be the best marefriend ever! In fact, let me take you out tonight to celebrate in style!"
"Don't you need your dad's permission?" Silver Spoon pointed out.
"You're right!" Diamond Tiara released Apple Bloom. "Come, Silver Spoon! We shall employ the double-cuteness technique! Team Sugarlump, away!"
As Diamond Tiara ran off to manipulate her father, Silver Spoon turned to Apple Bloom. "I haven't seen Diamond Tiara this happy since she got her cutie mark," she said, "you're pretty cool. For a blank-flank." Then she ran after Diamond Tiara to once again blast off at the speed of light.
"Well," Scootaloo said, her wings twice their usual size, "I've got to get home so I can...uh...preen my wings." She sped off, leaving Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
"'Ah've got this covered,' you said," Sweetie Belle teased, "'What could go wrong?' you said."
"Aw, shut up."
Author's Note
There's an old Irish philosophy:
There are only two things to worry about
Either you are well, or you are sick
If you are well
There's nothing to worry about
If you are sick
Then there are only two things to worry about
Either you will get well, or you will die
If you get well
There's nothing to worry about
If you die
Then there are only two things to worry about
Either you will go to heaven or hell
If you go to heaven
There's nothing to worry about
But if you go to hell
You'll be so damn busy shaking hands with your friends
That you won't have time to WORRY!
...in short, I regret nothing.
