Well, this is Awkward...

by Masterweaver

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Shining Armor
Length: 3702

Cadance and Shining Armor are finally married! There's just one problem...

After all the stress of the wedding--what with the cake, the dresses, and the invasion of an army of love-sucking shapeshifters--Cadance is glad to finally be with her Shining Armor. He loves her, she loves him, and they've got the best honeymoon suite in Canterlot. She's been looking forward to this night for a real long time, and she intends for the both of them to enjoy it!

...there is, however, one eensy teensy weensy little hiccup in her plans.

Specifically, that Shining doesn't seem to get what her plans entail.

Cover art is All the Right Buttons by dm29

Published 2015-11-26 05:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-14 21:58:02 UTC

...so very, very awkward.

"After you, milady." Shining Armor stood to the side, holding the door open with his magic and a large smile on his face.

"Such a gentlecolt," Cadance purred, nuzzling his cheek and trailing her tail across his back as she walked past him. Her jaw dropped as she stepped into the room, eyes roaming around. "Oh my gosh... this is incredible!"

"Only the best for the best," Shining quipped, shutting the door behind him as he entered.

Cadance walked, as if in a trance, across the lush patterned rug. She brushed a wing across the heart-shaped coffee table, noting the small icebox built into the oak. A smile formed on her face as her gaze shifted to the plush sofa with arms and back encircling exceptionally large cushions. Across the room was a wall of windows, broken only by the stained glass doors depicting a scene of swans and kingfishers; a single massive drape was set to either side of the image, hanging open to allow the pair a view of the Canterhorn's base beyond the balcony.

"Did you save up your guard pay for all this?" Cadance asked light-heartedly, peering into the bedroom. "Oooo, the attached bath has a hot tub!"

Shining Armor rubbed the back of his head. "Actually.... Princess Luna was the one who arranged this. I was going to do it myself, but she... insisted. Very firmly."

The pink alicorn glanced back, a wry smile on her lips. "She does do that, doesn't she?"

"Force ponies to accept her gifts? Mmm... yes."

"Yeah, I kind of think she's overcompensating for the whole Nightmare Moon thing." Cadance frowned. "Shining, is it weird that we can talk casually about world-threatening entities? Because that's happening a lot lately, Nightmare Moon, Discord, the changelings..."

"To be fair, the changelings were more of an invading army than a world-threatening entity," Shining Armor pointed out. "But... yeah, it is kind of weird. Especially with Twilight involved in all of them."

"We certainly live in interesting times. Ten to one our next threat is an evil overlord from the distant past."

"I'd put more odds on 'zombie army from another dimension.'"

"Ha! Fair enough." Cadance trotted up to him, a sultry smile gracing her face. "But let's not talk about that right now, Shineshine. After all, this is our honeymoon." She trailed a hoof up his foreleg. "For right now, the rest of the world doesn't matter; it's just you and me for... how long did Princess Luna say she had this booked?"

Shining grinned broadly. "She said she gave it to us... for a full moon."

Cadance snorted despite herself. "Oh, gosh, that's horrible."

"I don't think she was even being ironic..."

"Yes, well, that just means I have a full moon to make the best of this situation." Cadance wrapped a hoof around Shining's neck and drew him closer, lidding her eyes. "I think we both know what that means, hmm?"

Shining Armor smiled back. "Just you and me, relaxing together for a whole moon."

"...weeeeeeell." Cadance gave him a sly smirk, pulling at the drapes with her magic and letting them fall over the windows. "I suppose that it could be considered relaxing..."

A look of confusion passed over the stallion's face. "...I'd have thought that after being in the caves you'd have wanted windows drawn at all times..."

"What?" Cadance shook her head. "Oh. Well, I'll admit I was glad to see the sun again, but it's not really what I missed the most while I was down there. And it's not like I can't head outside whenever I need it. Unless you're planning on holding me down against my will?" she teased.

"Of course not!" Shining frowned. "How could you even think--?"

"Relax, hon. I was joking." Cadance rolled her eyes. "I'd only let you hold me down if you were comfortable with it."

The stallion opened his mouth, blinked, and closed it for a second. "...wait, what?"

"...you really don't know about that?" The alicorn shrugged her wings. "Huh. Well, that's fine. I mean, it's best for couples to build a level of trust before they go into even light BDSM, anyway, I can explain that later."

"BDSM...?"

"Later," Cadance repeated, firmly pushing a hoof into Shining's chest. "I guess for now we should just go with vanilla, okay?"

Shining backed away, just a step. "Vanilla... you want room service to bring us ice cream?"

"I... no! I mean, plain, basic, vanilla!" Cadance sat down, releasing a sigh as she rubbed her furrowed brows. "Honestly, Shining, what in Equestria makes you think--I mean, ice cream is great and all, but I don't want it right now, you know?"

"I..." Shining Armor sighed, stepping forward. "Look, hon, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm so confused about this, or what I'm misreading here. I just..." He nuzzled into her neck gently. "I want this to be a happy time for both of us."

Cadance hummed in contentment, leaning into the nuzzle. "I know, that's what I want too. Just, well... maybe I'm overthinking things," she admitted. "I've been looking forward to this for so long... I shouldn't have expected perfection immediately." She chuckled. "Actually, expecting anything close to perfection is ruining the whole point, isn't it...?"

"Whatever you say, Caddy."

She smiled despite herself, putting a hoof on his shoulder and looking into his eyes. Her muzzle inched forward, and soon enough their lips were pressed together. And now, she explored, reaching out to taste what he tasted, running across his ivories...

After some tongue wrestling, the two parted, Shining Armor blushing and smiling. "Wow, that was... uh..." He glanced nervously at his wife, who was trailing kisses down his neck. "Um. Cadance? What... what are you doing?"

The alicorn purred, kissing back up to his face. "Just leading an expedition south."

"Uh..." He folded his ears back. "This... I'm sorry, but that's another thing I don't understand..."

Cadance rolled her eyes. "What, you thought kisses had to be on the lips?"

"...yeeeeeeees?" Shining replied hesitantly.

The alicorn leaned back, peering at his confused expression. He smiled, hesitantly, eyes occasionally flicking left and right.

"...Okay, so," Cadance finally managed, "how were you expecting this to go?"

"Uh, well, we'd get married, I'd take you to the honeymoon suite, we'd relax together for--"

"No, not our marriage," she clarified. "This. Right here. What did you think the horizontal tango would be like?"

"The... what?"

Cadance blinked. "You know. You, me. Roll in the hay. Mounting the saddle. Tangling the bedsheets."

Shining Armor stared at her. "Are these all honeymoon traditions? Because I've never heard of--"

"Sex, Shining!" Cadance shouted. "How did you think we'd have sex?!"

The stallion stared at her, uncomprehending. "...Cadance, I don't know if you've noticed, but you are a mare."

"Yes, I know that!"

"Cadance, sweetheart?" Shining put a hoof on her shoulder. "That's your sex. You're a mare. Unless, of course, you don't want to be," he added quickly, "which I admit might take some adjustment but I'd support you in any endeavor, of course--"

"Wait, wait wait." The alicorn held up a hoof, a terrible suspicion beginning to form in her head. "Shining, when I say the word sex, what do you think of?"

"Well.... sex is whether you're male or female," Shining Armor replied slowly.

"And, let's say I use the word fuck--"

Shining frowned. "That's a very crude word, hon."

"And do you know why it's crude?"

"I..." The stallion blinked. "I think it means something in a griffon language?"

Cadance, princess of love, stared dumbfounded at her husband for a while.

"...Caddy? Hon?" Shining waved a hoof in front of her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"...you really don't know, do you?" she murmured.

"Know... what, exactly?"

Cadance opened her mouth.

She shut it.

She opened it again.

She shut it, tilting her head.

And then, with a slightly hysterical giggle, she swept over to the couch. "You don't know. You don't know! Oh my gosh. You really... okay. Okay." Her magic tugged at the icebox built into the table. "I can handle this. I can. Shining, can you just... sit next to me?"

Shining Armor bit his lip. "Um... Maybe I should call a therapist, you might be having some sort of delayed panic attack from being in the caves--"

"Shining, trust me, that is not what's upsetting me. Just..." She sighed, pulling a wine bottle from the icebox and popping the cork. "I never expected I'd need to give the talk before I got pregnant."

Shining opened his mouth. "Give the talk--?"

"Please, Shining, just... sit down, okay?" She patted the couch next to her. "I promise I'm not going to bite your head off."

With slow and deliberate steps, the unicorn approached his appointed perch, his eyes fixed on her horn as he settled onto the cushion.

"Right." Cadance took a brief sip of the wine. "Right, okay. It's best to figure out what you know first... Have you ever seen strange pictures of ponies?"

"Uh... strange, how?"

"Ponies that were close to each other," Cadance explained. "Like, awkward position close. Usually a stallion and a mare. Or maybe just one pony, with their rear legs spread apart."

"I... hmm. I don't... think so?"

"So you've gone your whole life without ever seeing one bit of porn?"

"Porn?" Shining's ears perked. "Is that short for pornography?"

Cadance grinned. "Yes! Yes it is, actually!"

"Well, Twilight did hide some pornography books under my bed once," Shining explained. "She said it would be more believable if it was under my bed, but she didn't want me to look at them. And, well, she was my little sister and she seemed so embarrassed, so I never asked. Of course Dad found them eventually, and when I tried to tell him they belonged to Twilight he just laughed. He said I was becoming a real stallion. Then he said I should never have the books in the house, and he tossed them out. Twilight was real upset when she learned about that, but she told me later that she was able to rescue the books and hide them in her room somewhere..."

Cadance's jaw dropped. "And... and your dad never told you what was actually in the books?"

"Well, no. Should he have?"

The alicorn took a gulp from her wine bottle. "Well. I think..." She shook her head. "There was definitely a misunderstanding there. Okay, so porn is out... Shining, you know where foals come from, right?"

"Pregnant mares," Shining replied with a nod. "The foal grows inside them, and then they go to the hospital to have them extracted via surgery."

"Okay, first of all, the surgery is only necessary in certain cases," Cadance clarified. "Usually, we push them out our... you know what a vagina is, right?"

Shining frowned. "That's... I'm not actually sure. I know mares have them, and some of my squadmates would say they'd fill them with chickens?"

Cadance groaned. "Cock. They said cock, right?"

"Well... now that I think about it, yeah."

"Okay, cock is slang for penis. Which mares don't have. We have vaginas instead."

The stallion blinked. "Oh. I... Hold on... filling with..." His eyes widened. "Wait. They said they'd stick parts of themselves into other ponies?"

Cadance took another swig of her wine. "Mmmyep. That's considered a perfectly normal part of a romantic relationship, least after a lot of trust has been built up."

"That's... okay, that's... what?"

"Did you think that mares just spontaneously started growing foals in their womb?"

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I know Mom had a lot of weird cravings during her pregnancy, I assumed that all the weird food she ate was turned into... a foal... somehow." He leaned away from Cadance's flat stare with a grimace. "...I got that wrong, didn't I?"

"Okay. So. Sex, as a verb, means two things." Cadance held up her wing. "One: The very very basic version. Stallion sticks penis in mare vagina, stallion ejaculates semen, semen is filled with sperm, sperm swims up to the womb, finds egg cell, fertilizes it, and a new foal starts to grow. In the strictly biological sense, that is sex."

She took a long draw from her winebottle.

"TWO!" Cadance's other wing unfurled. "Two is basically everything that can lead up to that point. It's two ponies rubbing their bodies together, exploring each other, trailing kisses everywhere as they enjoy the feelings. Because physically speaking, sex is pleasurable. It's like... it's kind of like ice cream for the whole body. Not cold, I mean, but... you know how Celestia acts when she eats cake? Sex is that, but not just for the taste buds. Also, the high point is called an orgasm, which usually happens at the same time as ejaculation."

Shining frowned. "I... think I get it?"

Cadance sighed. "You know, it's usually the parent's job to explain all this. I think your dad found the porn stash and thought you'd figured it out on your own... whatever." She shifted on the couch, furling her wings. "Look... Shining. This isn't actually your fault... it's really not anypony's fault, all things considered. I just... you're such a mature pony in other ways, I thought you knew. Because, honestly, most adults know about this at some level... and now, I just..."

"...you had your honeymoon plans thrown off?" Shining offered meekly.

"Yeah... a bit. Yeah." Cadance sighed. "For today, I think we should just... stay close. I don't think you should have sex until you've had time to let the... the implications sink in. And... well, I'm just going to stay here. With this wine bottle."

The unicorn looked at her as she started to drain the last of the wine away.

"...Cadance... I... I may not fully understand this sex thing, but..." He wrapped a foreleg around her withers. "I can see it's important to you. And I... I love you, and I trust you, you know that?"

"Yes. Which is why I, as a pony who loves and trusts you, am not going to take advantage of your ignorance."

"Even if I ask you to?"

The alicorn put her bottle on the table, giving her husband a long look.

"...not today," she finally managed. "We'll... work toward it, starting tomorrow. But today, I think... I think that this is just too much."

Shining Armor nuzzled her. "That's fine by me."

After a moment, he kissed her neck gently. "Maybe I could start my own expedition south?"

"Good place to start," Cadance agreed, giving him a warm smile. "For now, though... let's just cuddle."

"...um. Like... with stuffed animals?"

The alicorn blinked. Then she let out a long, pained groan.

Shining is incredibly awkward...

Cadence rolled onto her back, a broad smile on her face as she absently levitated one of the silken sheets over herself. "Hmmmm."

The process had taken about a week. First getting Shiny comfortable with exposing himself, then with how his own body reacted, and then slowly working him closer and closer to her. It certainly helped that he was always very eager to please her, and she had taken care to make sure he was completely ready for every step. But at last, the princess of love had made love to the pony she loved. And it felt... wonderful.

Shining Armor cleared his throat. "So... I did good, then?"

Cadence rolled her eyes. "Yes, Shining, you did very good."

"That's great. I mean, I kinda thought I was, uh, messing up for a bit there--"

"Shining, this is literally the first time you've ever had sex." Cadence pushed herself up on her side, nuzzling the stallion warmly. "It's okay. Even if you did make mistakes, you'll learn from them, right?"

"I guess so."

"And it felt good, didn't it?"

Shining Armor blushed. "...I guess it did."

Cadence put on a mock frown. "You guess?"

"Okay, okay, it felt... wow. Phenomenal." He rolled his shoulders. "Bit tiring, though..."

"That's normal. Your body is wired to release relaxants after you go through a bout." She wrapped a wing around him. "And I do mean your body. It's not necessarily male exclusive, but a lot of mares end up disappointed when their stallion doesn't want a post-coitus cuddle."

The stallion smiled as his foreleg snaked around her shoulders. "I'm not that tired."

"And that is one of the many, many reasons I'm happy I married a guard. Endurance." Cadence nuzzled into his neck. "Just think, you and I could be doing this all... day... long."

Shining Armor blinked. "...I... thought you said ponies had sex once or twice a day, usually."

The mare let out a giggle. "Yes. Usually. But usually ponies don't marry other ponies without knowing the details of what they're getting into. Usually ponies aren't a guard and an alicorn. Usually ponies aren't on a moon-long honeymoon." She gave Shining a lewd grin. "I can wait if I need to, of course, but I really, really want to take advantage of this."

Her husband returned the smile. "Well... I suppose I do need the practice...." He leaned forward, tracing her ear with his nose. "Just tell me what to do."

"Mmm. Well, I suppose it's only fair for us to do a little exploring of fetishes..."

Shining froze.

"...you're going to ask what fetishes are."

"Well... from your tone I'm assuming they're not small religious statues," he offered.

"Not the ones I'm talking about, no... although I'm sure some fetishes involve fetishes." Cadance snorted. "A fetish, kink, taste, there's a lot of words... it's like, one specific kind of sex you like."

"Like mares or stallions?"

"No. Well, yes, broadly speaking, but that's so basic and so widespread that it's considered an orientation." The alicorn pushed herself up on one hoof. "I'm talking about sex acts, specific... things. Like, say, a 'wing fetish' means that you like stroking the wings a touch more than the rest of the whole sex thing. Or a 'silk fetish' means you prefer to have sex on silk sheets or something."

"So it's... basically a term for preferences, then." Shining nodded. "Well, if sex is as common as you say, then it makes sense. Ponies are going to customize and individualize things, after all."

"Yeah." Cadance nuzzled him. "For example, I maaaaaay have a teensy weensy fetish for white coats."

"Oh really?" Shining Armor rose an eyebrow. "Maybe we shouldn't go to anymore of Fancypants's parties, then."

Cadance rolled her eyes and shoved him playfully. "Hey now, just because I like white coats doesn't mean I'll go chasing after any ivory pony that crosses my path. I've already got the best of the bunch right here."

"What, have you done comparisons?"

"Maaaaay-be," she singsonged.

Shining frowned. "I... hold on. What?"

"...right, still new to this." Cadance took a breath and let it out. "Shining, you've got to understand something. It's expected that married couples will fuck, but that doesn't mean that's the only relationship in which sex happens. I'm... not a virgin," she admitted.

"A what?"

"Virgin. Pony who has never had sex." Cadance gestured at herself. "I'm not one."

"Okay."

She tilted her head. "What, that's it? Okay?"

"...Yes. You've had sex before. I'm okay with that." He frowned. "Should I not be or something?"

Cadance blinked for a moment or two. "Ah... you... actually, it's fine," she managed. "It's fine. I mean... if I were to sneak off to somepony else's bed, you'd have every right to be upset, but I've never had sex with anypony I wasn't currently in a relationship with."

"Well that makes sense," Shining mused. "I mean, it would be harder to convince some random stranger to do all this than a pony who you were dating."

"What--no, that's--" Cadance took a moment to steady herself. "Okay, Shining, do you understand why married couples are expected to fuck?"

"I thought it was kind of like buying chocolates on Hearts and Hooves day. Just a way to show that I love you." He stroked a hoof down her cheek. "You... do know I love you, right?"

"Yes, I do. Trust me, I do. But that's not--" Cadance let out a small groan. "Okay, so technically speaking all that's legally required for two ponies to have sex is that they're of age, not biologically related closer than fifth cousins, they both consent, and they don't do it out in the open. Heck, it doesn't have to be just two ponies... but that's all because of what's assumed to be going into the act, you understand?"

Shining Armor nodded for a moment... then he frowned and shook his head.

"It's assumed that they trust each other," she stressed. "On a deep level. Sex is very... intimate, you know, you can't just... I mean..." Cadance sighed. "I'm not communicating this very clearly."

"What I'm getting is that if you're in a romantic relationship you don't have sex with ponies outside that relationship."

"Yes--well, mostly yes..." The mare rubbed her forehead. "There are couples that are... open. But it's always by agreement. And... I... don't even know what my point is anymore." She let her head drop onto the pillow. "What were we even talking about?"

Shining Armor shrugged. "Fetishes and virgins?"

"Right... right, exploration of fetishes." Cadance took a breath. "So. Like you said, ponies have different tastes when it comes to sex. So, if we are going to be doing this a lot, it'd be appropriate for us to, um, experiment. Figure out what we each like."

"Alright."

"Which," she admitted with reluctance, "probably means we'll be talking about things that will freak you out."

"...Ooookay?"

Cadance took a moment to consider her options. "...Why don't we just start with different positions."

"Sure. Positions of what?"

The alicorn gave him a flat look. "You're messing with me. After what we just did, you cannot possibly be that oblivious."

"Um... no." Shining gestured at himself. "Virgin, right?"

"...right. Okay." Cadance rolled her eyes and rose from the bed. "I guess I'll go order some porn for us... we can look at it over lunch."