Top Gear: Equestria

by DontTreadOnMe777777

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2188

Three idiots and multiple cameras meet colorful poines. Insanity ensues.

Three idiots and multiple cameras meet colorful poines. Insanity ensues.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-26 21:53:34 UTC

Chapter 1

All around the world, people crowded around their TVs, refreshments and snacks close at hand. They were all preparing for, if the hype was any indicator, one of the best Top Gear specials yet. The intro was quickly over, giving way to three men standing next to each other, surrounded by a packed crowd.

Any Top Gear fan would instantly recognize them as the three hosts: Jeremy Clarkson, who was in the center, arms folded across his chest. Richard Hammond, the “angry yob”, was to his left, and James May was to his right, arms clasped behind his back as he gave the camera a wide smile.

“Hello, and welcome to a Top Gear special! Tonight, we’ve got something quite special for you all,” Jeremy started his narration.

“Indeed. The producers, as we all know, are always looking for challenges to make us look stupid. However, they’ve really outdone themselves this time,” James' smile was replaced with a grimace.

“That they have. We were told to buy a people carrier in England for less than 3,000 quid, and then we were supposed to meet back here at the studio with our people carriers. There was a hint included, which was to buy one with good gas mileage.” Richard glanced at the other two hosts.

A grey people carrier sat in the center of the track just outside the studio. Jeremy stood next to it. “I’m very happy with my choice. You see, I have chosen a Toyota Previa from 1997. It’s got 22 highway miles per gallon, it’s a manual, it doesn’t have very much electronic wiring, it’s got four-wheel drive, and it will get me through anything the world throws at me.”

As he gazed proudly at his choice of car, the roar of another engine in the distance caught his attention. “That,” Jeremy turned to the camera, “is the sound of a V6 coming up behind me, which, obviously, heralds the imminent approach of an idiot.”

As it turned out, James was driving the new arrival, which was a green first-generation Renault Espace. Jeremy patiently waited as James slowed to a stop, before leaning into the open driver-side window. "You idiot!"

“What?” James asked innocently as he opened the door, Jeremy stepping back.

“That doesn’t count, it’s a crossover!”

“So it’s my fault I didn’t get a football mom car,” James shot back.

“Yes! That,” Jeremy pointed to the Renault, “is a breaking of the rules. It’s like Iraq all over again!”

“They never said it couldn't be a crossover, and therefore, it is legal."

"Why a Renault Espace, anyways? Surely there's a better option than that." Jeremy asked.

"Because it's a classic!" James exclaimed. Jeremy had to concede that one, quietly nodding in agreement. "Anyways, I bet I know exactly what Hammond has.”

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “And what's that?"

“It’s a Japanese car. It has to be."

“Yes, most likely. For those of you who don't know," Jeremy turned to look at the camera, "Richard Hammond is an absolute nut for Japanese cars. If there was a Subaru people carrier available in Britain, he would be behind the wheel.”

James was about to add to the discussion, but the distant thrum of an engine stopped him. Both of the men turned around to see a golden car driving up to them in the distance. It was a Japanese car, sure enough. But one that raised eyebrows amongst Hammond’s colleagues.

“Is that what I think it is?” James asked incredulously as Richard pulled up to the two.

“If you’re thinking Honda Shuttle, then yes.” Jeremy answered, also stupefied by Richard’s choice of car.

“What d’ya think?” Richard asked as he opened his door.

“I think you’re even more of a imbecile than Jeremy.” James snarked.

“Honestly, I agree. Why in the world would you get a Honda Shuttle?”

“Because, if I’m honest, it was the only thing I could find. But, that’s not to say it isn’t a bad deal. A 2.2 liter inline 4-cylinder engine, front-wheel drive, not bad if I do say so myself.” Richard patted the hood of his Shuttle affectionately.

“Well, now I’m certain my car’s best.” James pointed to the Espace.

“A first-generation Espace!? That belongs in the British Museum more than it belongs on the road!” Richard cried.

“Yeah, because it’s a classic!” James defended.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen, we have a challenge.” Jeremy plucked the golden envelope from the hand of the lab-coated scientist who had walked over while James and Richard were arguing, then opened it and pulled the card out. The two others immediately stopped their argument and walked over to Jeremy, waiting for him to begin reading aloud.

“You three,” Jeremy began, “will drive your people carriers just outside the studio. What happens next…” the tall bloke fell silent as he continued to read.

“Well, what’s it say?” James leaned over Jeremy’s shoulder.

“Whew… It says, ‘what happens next is something that has never been done, even thought of, ever. You will drive your cars into another dimension.’”

“Another dimension?” Richard let the question hang.

“This is a joke, right?” James turned to the crew, eyes wide. “I mean, this is obviously a joke. That's not possible. Right?” The other two and the crew refused to answer.

“Well,” Richard heaved a breath, “I guess if we die, we’ll die together.”

“That’s comforting.” As usual, no sentimental feelings were lost between the three.

“Shut up, you knob. C’mon, let’s go.” Jeremy opened up his car door, and James and Richard quickly followed suit.

The edge of the studio wasn’t too far, and everyone was present within a few minutes. The three co-presenters had their people carriers, and the camera crew had their two Fords.

Flanked by plastic, Jeremy gave a disdainful look around the interior of his Previa, before holding the walkie-talkie that had been installed by the crew up to his mouth. “James.”

“Yeah?”

“This car isn’t a looker, I’ll admit.”

“We’re in people carriers, they were designed to look bad.”

“No, but seriously,” Jeremy insisted, “there’s no nice decor anywhere in this car. It’s like they went into a room, sat there trying to design an interior, and then decided that it should look like the inside of Jodie Marsh’s face. ” James grinned.

“Guys?” Richard called out.

“What is it?” James responded.

“The crew are bringing out something. Look to the right.”

Indeed, as Jeremy and James observed, the crew were bringing something out in front of the three.

It looked like a rod, with two more beams sticking into the sky from each side, like the top half of a rugby goalpost. The crew laid it out right in front of the three blokes, before hurrying off to the side.

“What the hell is that thing?”

“I don’t know, May, but it looks absolutely terrifying.” A subconscious shiver ran through Jeremy even as he spoke the words.

“Is that our interdimensional travel thingy?" Richard's comment was met with chuckles from the Espace.

"Listen, guys. If this isn't a load of horse-shit, think about it. We'll be the first humans ever to cross between dimensions. This will blow our Nile discovery out of the water." James and Richard listened to Jeremy, both of them beginning to grasp what Clarkson was hinting at.

Before any of them had much time to mull their thoughts over, the rod laid out in front of them began to spark and crackle. "What are they doing?" James squinted, trying to get a better view of what was happening yards from his tinted windscreen.

"I think they're starting up the portal-thing!"

"Oh rubbish, Hammond! There's no such thing as an on-demand portal to a different dimension!" Jeremy scoffed.

Suddenly, the sparks grew in intensity and size. Bolts of electricity began to arc between points on all three rods, standing on end the hair of everyone in the vicinity. The air itself began to become filled with electricity. "What the hell are they doing?!" Jeremy yelled.

"Creating a portal!"

"Hammond, there's no such thing as portals! There isn't!"

Just as Jeremy finished, the electricity was gone, like someone had run a vacuum over the air. The electricity on the rod, however, grew to a level of brightness where it started to hurt to look anywhere near the steel structure.

A giant bolt of electricity suddenly sprang up, accompanied by a sound not too far distant from a thunderclap. It touched the two side beams at the very top, and connected the beam on the left with its brother on the right, creating a square. Smaller, unstable bolts crisscrossed the empty air between the sides of the square, flickering on and off like a five year old with a light switch. "Is that it?" James' tone was disappointed.

"What do you mean, 'is that it?'" cried Hammond.

"Well, I was expecting something more... dramatic."

"James May, a portal to another dimension is meters away from your car, and you think that's not dramatic enough?"

"Not enough for the finder of the true source of the Nile, I'm afraid." Jeremy cracked a grin at that one. The oldest of the three quickly asked a very important question, however. "Guys, should we go now? Is it done, can we go through?"

"Well, Jeremy, I vote that you should go into it and check it out."

Jeremy didn't say anything to that. His thoughts were a different story. 'Yes! That blithering idiot, he's voted for me to become one of the most important explorers in history!'

"Well, I wouldn't want you two to get hurt. This is liable to kill at least one of us." He pandered.

"Oh, that's true!" Richard's voice came through. "Here, I'll go first then."

"No, I insist," Jeremy pressed, "I'll go first."

"Both of you two are idiots, I don't trust either of you to break something. I'll go first."

"James, you've been so hostile today! What's got your knickers twisted?"

"This stupid car! We've driven a pittance and I already hate it!"

"Why?" Richard asked. "It seemed to be working fine."

"It is working fine. It's something else." When James refused to elaborate, Jeremy pressed.

"What's wrong with it!"

"Some idiot got the chair stuck all the way back, and I have to sit on the edge to reach the petals!"

The other two were quiet for a few seconds.

A few.

"Pfft!" Jeremy and Richard broke out into peals of laughter. James' mood only soured further at listening to his co-presenters having a good laugh at his expense.

Eventually, Jeremy regained himself enough to speak. "D-do we need t-to strap some bricks to your feet?!" This wisecrack sent Richard into even more intense laughter and James, conversely, into a deeper funk.

"Alright, alright! I still think I should go first."

"Well, Captain Short," Jeremy snickered, "I guess we should let you go first. Don’t want to break our new portal.”

Richard was mortified. “Why!?”

“Because James is so concerned, we might as well.”

“Alright, gentlemen." James immediately cut off any further protest from Richard. "It’s time for me to become the explorer of both the Nile and the next dimension over.”

“Go in three!” Jeremy began a countdown.

“Two!”

“One!” James positioned his foot over the pedal.

“GO!” There was a whirr of tires as James got going.

And right as he launched himself through the portal, he got wedged.

In between two cars.

James immediately reached for his walkie-talkie. “What the hell are you doing!? I’m supposed to be the only one going through right now!”

On the other end, Richard chuckled. “Yeah, we both thought we could beat you though. Apparently…”

“Apparently not.” Jeremy couldn’t suppress a laugh of his own at the sight of the three people carriers stuck halfway through a dimensional portal. “So, nice weather.”

“So you’re just going to sit here until someone backs up so you can fit through.” James guessed, annoyed.

“That is pretty accurate, yes.”

“Well, since I now really want both of you to die, be my guest. Hopefully the portal does the dirty work for me.” James reversed, and Richard and Jeremy gunned it.

“They scratched the paint too,” James mumbled to himself as he watched the two friends go through, into the bolts of lightning.

And then everything went white, just for a second. James reflexively closed his eyes and brought up a hand to shield his eyes, but the glow was gone as soon as he did. “What the hell was that? Where’s…”

The two were gone. Nowhere to be seen. James searched the area in vain.

The camera crew next to him caught his attention by waving their arms. Once he was looking at them, they began to point at the lightning-portal. The message was unmistakable.

“Oh god.” James exhaled slowly.

He turned his body to face the dashboard camera. “Before I go, BBC, I’d like to say that you’re all insane and, for the record, Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson are utter idiots. It’s been a fun time.”

And with that, he gunned it, his car driving pell-mell through the portal.