‘’Ugh, where the fuck am I?’’
I opened my eyes, to stare blindly into the lamps shining down on me. It appeared I was in some kind of hospital or something.
Just as I was about to stand up, I realized I couldn’t move my arms. I looked at them, to see them chained to the bed I was lying in. Now I was starting to panic. Where the fuck am I?
I tilted my head to look around the room. The of was left of where the bed was, and there was a table with chair on the right side of the room. That were the only things in the room (except me)
I layed my head back on the pillow of the bed. I shot a few magic beams on the handcuffs that held me on the bed, with no success, which was weird, seeing as the handcuffs should have broke. I was woken from my thoughts when I heard the door towards my room open. I looked up, and saw the main six walking inside.
‘’Okay, is this some kind of prank? Did you do this, Pinkie?’’ I asked half humored and laughing. It was actually a relief to see them. This meant that I was not in danger. They didn’t seem to pick up on my newly found relief, though, as they kept their mouth shut, and simply walked towards me.
‘’Hey, did something happen to your speech or something? Come on, you got me good. Now open the cuffs please.’’
Before I could say anything else, Pinkie reached behind her back, and got a big knife from it.
‘’Uh, what are you going to-’’
Pinkie reared backwards, and started stabbing me.
‘’Pinkie, stop!’’ I yelled. My yelling was immediately followed by screams of pain from me.
‘’Pinkie?! PINKIEAAAAAAAH!’’
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I shot out of bed screaming.
‘’Wha- What’s-’’
I recognised the place where I was, and calmed down after that. I stood up, still shaking from the nightmare I just had. I sat back on the bed. I noticed the bed was wet from my sweat.
‘’Probably because of the nightmare...’’ I thought as my heart finally decided to calm down somewhat.
‘’Kevin, it was just a dream. Doesn’t matter that it is the sixth nightmare in a row where one of your friends decides to kill you, it’s still a dream!’’ I said as I laid down in my with sweat covered bed to continue to sleep.
…
‘’I’m not able to sleep anymore tonight, right?’’ I asked to nobody. I waited a few moments
‘’Nope’’ I answered to myself
…………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I awoken to the sun coming through the blinds of my house.
‘’Huh, apparently I did succeed at falling asleep again,’’ I thought by myself.
I yawned, and decided it was time to get out of bed. I threw the blankets from me, and set foot on the cold wooden floor of my bedroom.
‘’Damn, I really need a carpet or something,’’ I said as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. ‘’This floor is killing me!’’
I stepped from my bed, and walked to the closet. I grabbed the first clothes I could find, put them on, and walked out the bedroom.
I now stood into a small hallway. Next to my room was another room, which was just an extra bedroom. At the end of the hallway, there was another door, leading towards the living room. On the opposite of that room, was my playroom (not like that, you perv!) where I had stacked different games and other things to keep me busy.
I walked into the living room. In the middle of the room stood a couch with a lounge table in front of it. Some distance behind the couch, stood the dinner table. Right next to it, was the kitchen. Only fenced of with the use of a chest high wall. There were a few chairs at the wall as well (I used it as a makeshift bar)
And that was basically my house. Oh, and the shitter was behind another door from the living room. Not to unimportant.
I walked towards the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. Let me tell you that it was a real pain in the ass to get a coffee machine in Equestria. Apparently, ponies don’t like coffee, so there were no coffee machines in a small village like Ponyville.
After searching the whole damn countryside for one, I eventually gave up and traveled to Canterlot.
And don't you know it: still had to search the whole damn city! Eventually I found a small store experienced in exotic food and drinks. The whole store had a scent of herbs.
It had two types of coffee machines: one really old-fashioned were you had to basically do the whole coffee making progress yourself, or a somewhat modern machine that worked like a regular coffee maker from earth.
The modern one was 150 bits more expensive, but it was worth it, dammit!
It did mean I had to travel to Canterlot once a month to get new coffee for the machine, but hey, you gotta do something for your caffeine addiction.
I woke up from my train of thought by a small beeping sound. I looked at the pot under the machine, which was now filled with the dark liquid. Apparently the coffee was already done for a few minutes.
‘’Must have dozed of,’’ I thought by myself. I took the pot and poured myself a mug of coffee. I opened the fridge, took the milk, and poured some of it in with the coffee.
…
What? I like my coffee with a lot of sugar and milk
…
No, I’m not a sissy!
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
After finishing my coffee and breakfast, I put up my plate and mug, washed them and put them back on the places the belonged. I grabbed my coat, opened the door and went out.
It was beautiful weather outside which was certainly pleasant. I started walking towards the town.
Oh yeah, after the whole ‘setting me free’ part, I was given an house by Celestia, as compensation that I would never see my home planet again
…
Yeah, it was pretty shitty trade, but hey, if a house was the only thing I could get in terms of a compensation, I’ll take it!
But anyway, the house was placed just outside of Ponyville. It was like a few minutes of walking to get into Ponyville from my house, so yeah. It was actually the perfect location, seeing as the damn ponies can get on your nerves, so some distance between them and your house is great in that situation.
I finally reached my destination: the town hall. I walked inside, past ponies waiting in line to get some kind of bureaucratic permit for parties or something, to my office
I opened the door to my office, closed it when inside, and put my coat on the chair behind me in the room. The room had one desk with a chair behind it, and a few file cabinet on either side of the room.
After I put my coat there, I walked to the file cabinet on the left side of the room. I opened it, got the files I needed, and closed the door of the cabinet.
I sat down and started to work.
This was my daily routine for at least five days a week. Looking over permits and making sure that everything is in place
It sounds as exciting as it is. But now that I’m not a genie anymore, I can’t just poof up stuff like I used to. So I need something to pay the bills, and this was the only job I was qualifiable enough to do.
‘’As soon as I find another job, I’ll quit right away,’’ I thought by myself.
Truth was, I could get another job at Sugarcube Corner, but I totally suck at baking. And the cakes were scared that I might scare customers.
Damn racists
… wait, it’s not like I’m another race. Damn humanists.
...Wait, that’s not what I mean, dammit!
But while boring, that was not the worst part of the job.
‘’Hey Kevin!’’
‘’God, not now!’’
The door to my office opened, and there stood a very angry unicorn.
‘’Why the hay didn’t you fix the Janson permits yet?!’’ He almost shouted at me.
This was seriously the most annoying boss ever. You know the kind I’m talking about. Who are always shouting and putting the blame on his workers.
‘’Well, you told me the reports of Tuesday had priority over the-’’
‘’Stop making up excuses, you worthless foal! Everypony would know to finish the Janson permits first! Don’t put this on me!’’
The anger I felt was intense, but I thought I masked it well.
‘’I’m sorry, boss. I’ll finish them right now,’’ I said as nicely as possible. The pony walked outside of my office to let me get to work again.
‘’How does that fucking asshole think he can talk to me like that? I have more power in one finger then he has in whole his damn body! I could fucking destroy him if I wanted.’’
I stood up from my chair, walked to the cabinet again, took out the Janson permits and started working on them.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
After hours of work on the damn files, I finally finished the Janson permits. I stood up and walked to the lunch room.
And wouldn’t you know it: no tea left. Fucking great!
I walked back to my office. I snapped my fingers and made a small sandwich. Luckily for me, there was a sandwich spell.
Yeah I know, how does a spell so specific even exist?
I came into my office, took the files from the table, and walked to my boss his office while still eating the sandwich.
I knocked on the door of his office, and walked inside. He was sitting at his way bigger desk working on what other paperwork.
He glanced up from his paperwork for a second, and once realizing it was me, immediately got back to his work.
‘’What do you want, Kevin?’’ He said while not looking up from his paper again.
‘’I came to bring you the Janson permits,’’ I said to him.
‘’Finally,’’ He said while yanking the files from my hands with his magic. ‘’Now I can give my peers what they wanted to have tomorrow.’’
‘’So you didn’t even need the files today, you fucking asshole’’
I turned around and tried to walk out as fast as possible to make sure this asshole wouldn’t say anything else to me, but luck didn’t really like me today. As I was almost out of his office he called my name again.
‘’Kevin, are you almost done with the files from Tuesday?’’
‘’You GOT to be kidding me?’’
‘’You told me that I needed to drop those for the Janson permits,’’ I told him as I turned around to face him again. ‘’So no, I’m not almost done with the files from Tuesday,’’ I tried saying as calmly as possible
‘’That’s gonna be a late night then, cause I need those files today!’’ He yelled at me. ‘’ So I would go back to your office and start working if I were you!’’
Something snapped inside my head.
‘’Then why did you told me to drop the files hours ago for the Janson report you needed TOMORROW?!’’ I yelled at him.
‘’Don’t you talk to me like that! I’m your boss, I-’’
‘’No, fuck you!’’ I yelled at him. He was clearly taken aback by my language.
‘’You yell at me for giving Tuesday files the priority, while you gave me the order to do so yesterday, then I do the Janson permits, while you need them tomorrow! And now I need to work late again? I barely have time for myself!’’
‘’I am your boss, and you will listen to what I-’’
‘’Don’t you even fucking start, you asshole! You and I know I’m a fucking god with my powers and that I could end you with one snap of my fingers. If someone should listen, it’s you!’’
Now he was truly angry. He jumped up from his chair started yelling even harder than he did now
‘’Get out of my office, you’re fired!’’
‘’Oh, good luck finding anybody stupid enough to want to work under your bullshit,’’ I yelled back at him
‘’GET OUT!!!’’ He yelled
I shot a beam of magic out of my hands that hit the guy right in the head. The beam I fired made him shrink to the size of a rat.
‘’Wha- hey, make me normal!’’ He yelled. I walked towards him and picked him up.
‘’Not so strong now, huh?’’ I yelled in his face. I then proceeded to threw the guy trough the office. You could hear his small scream as he smacked on the floor on the other side of the room.
Oh, and by the way,'' I said while my boss was lying on ground in pain, ''this is how many fucks I give about the report!'' I shot a beam of fire out of my hand that destroyed the report that I was working on the whole day.
‘’Goodbye!’’ I yelled as I slammed the door shut while walking away.
Author's Note
Here I am again. After being for a whole year, I'm back to writing.
2: Are you gonna let me do my story?
You know, changing your boss to the size of a mouse, really makes you hungry! So I walked inside Sugarcube Corner to get something to eat. To bad that it was around lunch time, so there was a very long line for the sweets to eat.
‘’Ugh, can’t deal with that right now!’’
I focused all my energy on my hands. I was straining my muscles not to shoot the energy between my hands away.
A small blue energy ball was created between my hands. As more and more energy was being fuelled into the ball, it became harder and harder to strain my hands not to shoot the ball away. After a few seconds of fuelling the ball, small blue lightning flashes were coming from the ball.
Because of the flashes, ponies in the line started to look behind them. They looked in fear as they saw the ball.
‘’Hey, what are you-’’
I released the ball of energy to the ground. As soon as the ball touched the ground, the time around me froze.
I quickly ran past the line inside Sugarcube Corner. I knew the spell I fired would only last for around a minute, so I had to hurry.
I ran behind the corner, where Pinkie stood helping the customers, and took out some banana bread. I put the bits for the bread on the counter
‘’39,40,41, only 19 seconds left!’
I ran to one of the tables that had no ponies sitting on it. I saw that another pony was almost at the table to sit down
‘’53, 54’’
I made a dive and landed on chair just a second before the time started turning again.
‘’Ah, this is great!’’ I said to myself while lying the banana bread in front of me on the table. ‘’Let’s enjoy some-
‘’Hey, I was already walking towards that place!’’ I looked to the right of me to see a pegasus standing there.
‘’Yeah, well now it’s my place!’’ I said to him ‘’Go sit somewhere else!’’
‘’You can’t do that! I’m going to call the owners if you do not-’’
I shot a beam of magic from my hand to the food he had. As soon as the beam touched the food, it exploded right in his face.
‘’Now scram!’’ I said as I took a bite from my banana bread
‘’Hmm, delicious!’’
‘’That’s not nice, Kevin!’’ I looked up from my bread, to see Twilight standing next to my seat.
‘’Hey Twilight. How are you?’’ I asked her while taking another bite
‘’Why did you blow that stallions food up?’’ She said while looking angry.
‘’Want the short version or the long one?’’ I asked her while shoving the chair next to me to Twilight my foot. ‘’Take a seat, because if you choose the version we’re gonna be here for a while.’’
‘’Just tell me the normal story!’’ She said. (She did take place on the chair however)
‘’I had a horrible day at work, got fired, and now I took this guy’s seat.’’
‘’Wait, fired? How the hell did you do THAT?!’’ Twilight asked me
‘’My boss was an asshole and-’’
‘’Language please!’’ Twilight said
‘’Ugh, alright. My SUPERVISOR was an asshole and-’’
‘’KEVIN!’’
‘’What?!’’
‘’Don’t say the A-word!’’ Twilight said angrily
‘’Fine! My boss was a fucker and-’’
‘’Kev-’’
‘’Are you gonna let me do my story?!’’ I asked her while putting my bread down on the table ‘’Because this isn’t working!’’
‘’Ugh, fine!’’
‘’So he started yelling at me, like he always does, to work on other files, while I got priority on the first from him. After working on the goddamn files for hours, I turn them in, and he’s tells me he didn’t need them until tomorrow. Then he says that I need to work late again, because the files I was first working on he needed today!’’
‘’So you probably understand why I was pretty pissed at him, so I started yelling, and so he fired me.’’
‘’Pff, what an asshole!’’ Twilight immediately put her hooves to her mouth ‘’Celestiadammit, now you got me doing it!’’
‘’But yeah, gotta need to find a new job now, so that’s great,’’ I said as I took another bite from my bread.
‘’Well, good luck.’’ She said to me
‘’I’ll manage. But I think I’m going home now, seeing as I finished my bread.’’ I said as I stood up ‘’See ya later’’ I said as walked away out of the store
‘’Bye!’’
……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I opened the door to my house, walked inside and closed the door behind me. I kicked my shoes out and jumped on to the couch.
‘’Time for a good book,’’ I thought by myself as I picked up the book on the table besides the couch. I borrowed this book from Twilight, as it was pretty much not obtainable any other way.
That was, because this book had actual violence in it. You see, most books in pony land here, are what we would call ‘child books’. And most adults in this world really like those books. This only reaffirms my beliefs that all the ponies here are pussies.
But anyway, this book was released, only for it to be janked from the shelves gain, because most ponies found the violence too grotesque to have in a book. And they all used that same old argument: ‘Think of the children!’
So basically, Twilight had one of the last copies in existence.
After reading about 20 pages, there was a knock on the door.
I stood up, put the book down and walked to the front door
‘’Seriously, I can’t be left alone for one bleeding minute?’’ I said as I opened the door. I was surprised to see two royal guards standing in front of my house.
‘’Hello sir. Are you called Kevin?’’ The guard on the left of me asked me
‘’Uh, yes? May I ask why you are standing here in front of me?’’ I asked the guards.
‘’The stallion Bossy Boss has started a case against you for abusing magic. When Celestia heard there was a case against you, she send us out to get you,’’
‘’Wait, he started a case against me? Like a federal case?’’ I asked in disbelief
‘’Now can you please come with us?’’
‘’And what if I refuse to come with you?’’
‘’Then Celestia is forced to hand the case over to Ponyville Authority. And belief us, you don’t want that happening!’’ The guard explained.
‘’Are you fucking… you know what, I’m coming with you. I like to talk to Celestia about this.’’ I said as I stepped outside my house and closed the door.
We walked somewhat, before we reached a chariot. There were two pegasi in front of it.
The guard in front of me opened the cabin for me to sit in. I stepped inside, as one of the guards stepped inside with me as well. The other guard closed the door from the outside, and locked it.
‘’Do you really find it necessary to lock the door?’’ I asked the guard in front of me ‘’Because seriously, this seems a bit much!’’
‘’Standard procedure. We had ponies in the past who tried to escape, so the guard decided to make sure they couldn’t.’’
I was going to tell him more, but the car suddenly shot forward into the car. And I took the whole situation as a man!
‘’WAAAAAH, GET ME DOWN!!!’’ I yelled very manly to the guard in front of me
…
Okay, I might have sounded like a little child, but that’s not important, dammit!
After I calmed down, it was just a trip of 10 minutes. The guards flew towards an open spot at the castle, clearly reserved for chariots from the guards.
‘’Uhh, you do know how to land this thing, right?’’
‘’Please sir, we had years of training. Of course we can land it.’’
We crashed.
Well, not like the chariot was broken, but with the landing we broke a statue of a unicorn and we came down wrong on the floor, which meant we made a few spins before we stood still
‘’You guards are pretty useless, you know that?’’ I asked while making sure my head didn’t fall off from the ride.
‘’Just keep quiet, please!’’ The guard said while facehoofing.
A guard came walking towards the door and opened it. I stepped out of as fast as possible in case the guards would screw up something else.
‘’We apologize for-’’
‘’Yeah, I don’t care. Let’s just go to Celestia so I can go home and finally finish my book!’’ I said as I already started walking towards the castle. The guards quickly followed me, one in front of me, and one behind me, probably to make sure I cannot escape
The guard in front of me opened a door to get inside the castle.
Once inside, we started walking through the long hallways.
‘’So, you guys never get lost here? It looks very big,’’ I asked them while looking over the different paintings on the walls.
‘’You get used to it pretty fast.’’
After some walking, we came at a large door.
‘’Please go inside here. The princess will see you in a minute.’’ They said as they opened the door for me. I walked inside, and heard the doors behind me close.
There were a few chairs standing at a table and that was basically it for functional stuff. Of course, the room was filled with other decorative stuff, but who gives a fuck about that?
I sat down on one of the chairs and just waited.
Eventually, I heard the door open again and saw Celestia walking inside. She closed the door behind her
‘’Can you explain to me why the hay someone started a case against you?’’ Celestia asked me
‘’Good day to you as well, princess!’’ I said as happy as ever ‘’And to answer your question, the guy was my boss and he was being a total asshole!’’
‘’Kevin, I don’t care that he was mean. You can’t just use your magic in that way! I saved you this time, but the local authorities will not be as forgiving if this happens again,’’ Celestia said as she took the seat in front of me
‘’But the dude has been an asshole to me for months! I’m sorry if I finally taught him a lesson! By the way, I could have been way harsher on him then I actually was’’
‘’And that’s the only reason I decided to help you this time. Because the stallion in question had it coming, and because you didn’t go too far. But I don’t want this happening again, alright?’’
‘’... and that’s it? Why did I need to come all the way to Canterlot while it’s 11 P.M for this?!’’ I said angrily
Celestia’s stern expression suddenly changed to a smirk
‘’Because why not?’’
…
‘’Fuck you,’’ I said while standing up from my chair. Celestia was laughing like a madmare, while I walked to the door.
‘’But Kevin,’’ Celestia started after a few seconds and before I walked outside of the room ‘’I was serious. Don’t let this happen again,’’ she said seriously.
‘’Fine!’’ I said while closing the door behind me.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………....
After trying to find my way through the castle for ten minutes, I gave up trying. I teleported myself to the platform the chariot landed. I saw two guards standing at the chariot
‘’Hey, I’m ready to head back home,’’ I said as I approached the chariot. ‘’So let’s go,’’
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Of course, the stumbling buffoons that called themselves guards, managed to crash the cart again. I stepped out of the cart, and walked to my house without saying anything to the guards.
I immediately walked to my bed. Reading wouldn’t amount to anything tonight. I undressed, put on my pajamas and got in bed. I fell asleep as soon as I touched the pillow
Author's Note
So here's the new chapter. I must admit that I released this chapter very shortly after the first one. Don't expect daily updates, though. I'm planning on having a new chapter every two weeks.
