55 Gallons of Lube On The Wall: Part One of the Nonsense Trilogy

by Slowpoke

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Sex, Spike, Gummy, Random
Length: 4898

Twilight accidentally orders 55 gallons of anal lube.

Twilight accidentally orders 55 gallons of anal lube and tries to find practical uses for it.

Collab with B_25

Editor: Sacrificial LambKestrel

Published 2015-10-05 17:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-05 17:50:02 UTC

Story

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! it’s here!” Twilight bounced down the stairs as soon as she heard the knock on the door. “My new book!”

She flung the door open, revealing the mailmare.

“Deliver for a Ms. Twilight Sparkle!”

Twilight couldn’t contain her excitement any longer. “Where is it? I need this, like, right now!”

“Heh, here it is Ms. Sparkle!” The mailman levitated a rather large box into her doorway. “Enjoy!”

The box was a bit larger than she expected for a book, but it was super rare, so maybe it was just for added protection.

Without a second thought, she levitated it into her living area and tore it open.

“Yes, yes! What the…”

From the torn packaging, was a barrel. But it was no ordinary barrel, no, it was a barrel filled to brim with anal lube. Fifty-five gallons to be exact.

“This.. this is… What?!” Twilight searched the scattered cardboard for the small slip of paper that would assure her that she had ordered a book. Not lube.

Unfortunately, the paper was a liar. For not only did it tell her she ordered anal lube—it also told her there were no refunds upon opening the package.

“No, no. This can’t be. I-I ordered a book! There’s-there’s no way.” Twilight sat down on her haunches as she tried to steady her breathing. “How could this have happened?”

"Thank you for calling Mainshep Shipping. My name is Summer, how may I help you?"

"Yes, I was calling in regards to an incorrect order I received and was wondering if I could possibly get it shipped back?" Twilight clutched the phone to her ear whilst glancing at the offending product in her living room.

"Alright, what's the order number?"

"Umm, let's see here... 12483HC."

"Alright, give me just a moment."

Twilight twirled her mane and paced around the phone awaiting a response.

"Oh, ha-ha! You're the one with the anal lube, right?"

Twilight's cheeks flushed red. "Y-Yes, that's me. But it wasn't supposed to be anal lube. It was supposed to be a book! A nice, wholesome book. About magic!"

"Uh-huh, sure. I have to apologize ma'am, but we don't accept returns on that particular item."

"What! Why not?"

"Because, our policy states that once an item is returned it has to be sold under the 'pre-owned' section. And, for obvious reasons, we can't sell 'pre-owned anal lube'. Not good for business."

Before she could respond, Twilight heard the line click.

“Ugh, I hate customer service! What am I supposed to do with fifty-five gallons of body lubrication!?”

Horror came to Twilight’s ears, as she heard the familiar happy hum of her number-one assistant. The number-one dragon she didn’t want to see. He strolled on through into the library.

“Heyo, Twili—” Spike’s eyes popped open. “Um, Twilight?”

Twilight groaned in response. “Yes, Spike?”

“We’ve known each other for a long time and we’ve always been completely honest with each other, so please be completely honest with me when I ask you this: Why did you buy fifty-five gallons of anal lube?”

“Ugh, I didn’t!”

Spike cocked his eyebrow and motioned toward the evidence.

“No, I mean I didn’t mean to order it. I was trying to buy a new book, but I got this instead!” Twilight thrust her hooves in the air and brought them over her face.

“Wow. How’d you manage that?”

“I don’t know! The catalogue had a shoddy user interface. Don’t blame me. But now, the real problem is what to do with it. I can’t return it, and I certainly don’t have a use for it…”

“Heh, that’d be funny. Buying used lube.” Spike chuckled but halted upon notice of the death glare Twilight sent his way. “Well, maybe you could find somepony else who could use it. I mean, just because it’s usually used for, well, adult purposes, that doesn’t mean that’s all it can be used for. Why not take a look around town and find someone you can pawn it off on. That way it won’t go to waste.”

“Spike, that’s a great idea!” She ran over and gave him a big hug. “All I need to do now is find the right ponies to take it off my hooves.” Twilight rubbed her hooves together in glee. “Meanwhile, Spike, you do the same. See if you can’t find some, shall we say, practical uses for it. Alright?”

Spike stood tall and saluted. “Aye aye, cap’n.”

Spike and Twilight dashed out the front door with vigor, off to make the best use possible of their slippery predicament.

*****

Twilight teleported inside of Sugarcube Corner, a large thud sounding next to her. Her flashy entrance gained the attention of the customer currently enjoying their treats inside of the establishment. Upon viewing Twilight’s unorthodox guest, however, most lost their appetites.

Looking around, Twilight felt her cheeks warm with all the eyes on her and her lube.

Oh boy, she thought. She coughed to speak, but found making a sales pitch about her lube died in her throat. So she stood there, smiling and trying not to be awkward.

After a while, someone had to ask. “Uh, Twilight? What are you doing here with a canister of… of..” The mare didn’t posses the courage to say the “a” word.

“Oh, about that,” Twilight muttered. She scratched her forehoof as her mind raced. Then she smiled. “Of course! Didn’t you know? The secret ingredient they add to their bakeries is anal lube... of course!”

That did not come out right!

As for the guests:They screamed. They spat. They cursed and left the bakery as fast as their hooves could take them to nearest store that sold mouthwash. Twilight’s pitch didn’t go as expected, her being the only customer left.

The commotion caused Pinkie to come out onto the sales floor. She raised a brow at the once full room.

“Twilight?” Pinkie said. “What are you doing here? And where did all the customers go?”

Twilight didn’t have an answer and resorted to biting her tongue. Pinkie then noticed the barrel.

“What’s up with the canister?”

Once again, Twilight didn’t have an answer. She didn’t even have the energy to speak. Instead, she turned the barrel over, displaying the label.

Pinkie held her mouth open, pointing a hoof at the canister. She suffered the same condition as Twilight, as all she could do was point. For the first time, Twilight had out-randomed Pinkie.

Sighing, Twilight finally spoke. “Do you want me to explain what happened?”

Pinkie shook her head. “Not really,” she answered. “But, do you mind if I borrow some?”

“What!?” Twilight shouted. She quickly scolded herself.

What need does Pinkie need with anal lube!? Wait, no need to ask. Just get rid of it.

“I mean, you’ll take it!?” Twilight excitedly asked.

“Not all of it, silly,” Pinkie giggled. “Just a bucket’s worth.”

“What do you mean only—” Twilight stuck a hoof her mouth, muffling out the rest of her sentence.

Progress is progress, Twilight. She thought to herself. Progress is progress.

“That’s fine, Pinkie,” Twilight said. Pinkie smiled and left to go fetch a bucket.

Twilight felt the weight on her shoulder loosen a bit. She went to go pry off the lid off the canister. Thanks to her levitation spell, the lid came off easy and fell to the floor. The floor got wet.

Peering over the rim, Twilight inspecting the lube for the first time. She had, of course, seen lube before in the books, but seeing it firsthoof felt alien.

Pinkie returned to the room carrying a bucket with her mouth. She approached the barrel and peered over it as well, and glee at seeing the substance. Dunking the bucket into the barrel, it slowly succumbed to the lube, filling with the bucket with it’s albino liquid.

Once satisfied, Pinkie pulled the bucket out from the barrel and placed it on a nearby table. She bowed her head at Twilight.

“Thanks, Twilight!” Pinkie cheered. Once again leaving the room.

“Don’t mention it!” Twilight replied. “Seriously, don’t mention it,” she whispered to herself.

Pinkie came back dangling Gummy’s tail out from her mouth. She swung him onto the same table as the bucket and looked at the two with a smile that reached both ears. She giggled and rubbed her hooves together.

Twilight tucked in her lips as she watched the event before her. She wasn’t sure what was about to go down; she also wasn’t sure if she wanted to be a witness.

Pinkie made that decision for her. “Uh, Twilight. Not to be super rude, but I think both me and Gummy would enjoy our privacy.”

“Uh, yeah!” Twilight nervously answered. “Of course. I’ll… just be on my way out!”

Twilight never teleported out of somewhere more quickly than she did at that moment. That was including when her very nation was under attack.

Alone with her toothless alligator, Pinkie began the joyous process of dipping her hooves into the bucket and lathering her arms.

Gummy blinked. A leather strap wrapped around his body that kept him secure against the table. After that, he felt pink hooves lathering his body with anal lube.

“There you go, Gummy!” Pinkie cheered. “This should help you from drying out!”

Spike had been strolling through town to find a solution to Twilight’s problem. But no matter how much he thought, he just couldn’t think of any other ways anal lube could be used. He stopped short of Sugarcube Corner, deciding to give himself a break. He looked through the window at the establishment.

Dear sweet Celestia.

He was treated to the scene of an alligator, strapped down to a table. With Pinkie, dunking her hooves into anal lube to lather up the poor soul. Spike blinked at what he saw. Yet he couldn’t look away. He couldn’t look away…

What? What is this!?

“I am the great and powerful Trixie!”

Spike turned his head at the disappointing sight of Trixie with her blue hat. “What the heck, Trixie?”

Trixie ignored him. “And I am here tell you! … That you have something growing between your legs,” she whispered.

“What now!?” He looked down to confirm she was telling the truth. He groaned as he tried to hide it with his claws.

Spike’s eyes once again caught a glimpse through the window. Then something grew bigger.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“This is my fetish?”

Trixie shuffled backwards. “Trixie… doesn’t mind so much.”

Spike whipped his head. “Wait seriously?” Trixie nodded.

He smiled, as a realization stiked him. Spike pumped his claw to the sky as he knew how he was going to save Twilight.

“I know what to do!”

"You still have something growing there."

“Crap.” Spike quickly hid his excitement, grabbed Trixie by her hoof, and dashed off to who knows where.

*****

Next stop: Rarity’s house!

Twilight swiftly opened the door of the Carousel Boutique. “Rarity!”

“Oh, darling,” a shrill voice replied. “Give me just a moment.”

Rarity quickly arrived down the stairs. “Sorry, I was just taking care of a little something. How can I help you, Twilight?”

“Oh, nothing much. I was just, you know, in the area and was wondering if you needed help with anything. You know, maybe if you needed help with getting your dresses stitched, organized… lubricated?”

“Oh! Twilight, there is something I could use your opinion with. Follow me, will you, dear?” Rarity motioned with her hoof to have Twilight follow her up the stairs and led her to the bathroom.

“Okay, Rarity, any particular reason we’re in your bathroom?”

“Look at my eyes and tell me what you see,” she swiftly replied.

“Um… they’re blue?”

“They’re baggy!” Rarity wailed out and dropped to her knees. “They’re baggy and listless because they’re dry! Oh, of all the terrible things to happen to a pony. And none of my creams seem to be working!”

Twilight’s face immediately broke into a smile. A better opportunity couldn’t have presented itself.

“Oh, you don’t say, Rarity! Well, I have just the thing for you. Wait right here.”

With a flash, Twilight disappeared and returned with small bowl of lube.

“Here, try putting this on your face.”

Rarity sniffled and took a meager amount of the substance onto her hoof. “What is it?”

“Oh, you know, just some body moisturizer…”

“Will it work?”

“Trust me, it’s what it’s designed for.”

Rarity cautiously applied the lubricant to her face and her frown immediately disappeared. “Oh... OH my goodness, Twilight. I can feel it working already! My face feels so relaxed and replenished. You simply must tell me what brand this is!”

“Oh, I can’t remember, but I promise I’ll let you know as soon as I do.” Twilight smiled at Rarity and began backing out of the room. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got tons of other ponies to see and things to do, so I’ll just be making my way out.”

Rarity turned to Twilight whilst applying generous amounts of the substance to her face. “Oh, was that it, Twilight? That’s all you needed?”

“Yep, that effectively fills my friendship quota for today. See you around!”

Before she could say or do anything to ruin the success of her trip, Twilight raced down the stairs and out the building.

“Well, that was easier than expected!”

She took a quick look around and noticed Spike off in the distance casually talking to a couple ponies, Lyra and Bon Bon to be exact.

“Huh, well I hope he’s having as much luck with this sticky situation as I am. Now, onto the next stop!”

Next stop: Sweet Apple Acres

With a zap, Twilight found herself on a farm with the hot sun overhead.

Oh, Applejack! This is going to be perfect. Knowing how much supplies the farm must go through, surely Applejack will have plenty of need for lube.

In the distance, Applejack bucked a tree, resulting in apples falling into the basket. She was sweating, and looking around with concern. Twilight approached her.

“Hi, Applejack!” Twilight said. Applejack whirled around to face her guest.

“Oh, howdy to you, Twilight,” Applejack greeted, tipping her stenstion. “My, what brings you out here?”

“Oh, I figured I’d come by and visit.”

“That so?” AJ muttered to herself. She looked around herself.

“Applejack, are you okay?”

“Well, truth be honest, Sugarcube, I’ve found myself in a pickle.” She pointed her hoof over to the barn. Twilight followed the hoof the find the Apple Family all together again and starting up a feast.

“Hey, the Apple family is back!” Twilight cheered.

“Exactly. We’re having a family luncheon and it’s Apple family tradition to bring your own creation to the table. From apples to pie, you bring something uniquely your own. This time, we chose to use apple dipping sauce.”

“And somepony forgot to make the sauce,” Twilight said.

Applejack stuck the ground with her hoof. “Applebloom to be exact. She spent the entirety of compounding the apples out hanging with her friends! Now I’m in a rush to make much dippin’ sauce as possible.”

The light bulb glowed above her head.

Twilight you genius!

Of course I’m genius, but please - go on!

I mean, not only have you found means to get rid of your anal lube, but you’ve also found ways to help your friends.

I know. I know. I’m the greatest friend they could ask for. But quiet now, voice! For I must provide Applejack with a very special dipping sauce.

Twilight spoke with confidence. “Applejack, I think I have a solution to your dipping sauce problem.”

Applejack’s face lifted up. Wiping the sweat from her brow. “Well that’s good to hear, Twilight. I sure could use any help by now.”

“Does it have to be apple flavor?” Twilight asked.

“Well,” Applejack thought, “I suppose not. As long as it tastes good.”

“Then I’ll be right back!” And with a flash, Twilight disappeared then reappeared, with a small bowl. “I got your awesome dipping sauce right here!”

Applejack looked down at the bowl. “Uh, Sugarcube? Are you sure about this?”

Twilight levitated the lid off, exposing the substance to the hot sun.

“It’s totally good, trust me,” Twilight said. Polishing her hoof against her chest. “After all, I am a princess. The stuff royalty sends me are always good!”

“Well—” Applejack remained hesitant—“if it’s coming from the folks from Canterlot, then I reckon it must be decent.”

“Well, if you’re concerned, Applejack, then why not try some?” Twilight said. She mentally punched hersef.

NO! Why would I say that? She’s going to know for sure.

“If you insist Twilight,” Applejack said. She dipped her hoof on the surface of the liquid, and placed it on her tongue. She played around with it in her mouth and swallowed.

Twilight swallowed back her vomit.

“Twilight?”

“Y-Yes Applejack?”

“You’re a liar.”

Twilight’s pupils shrank to an unseeable size. She knows. It’s over. Twilight was ready to receive the lashing she was deserving of.

What she wasn’t ready for, was Applejack giving her a big bear hug.

“Thank you, Twilight! The sauce tastes better than great! It’s amazing!”

“Riiiiight,” Twilight said, returning the hug and exhaling a deep breath. “I just wanted to surprise you is all.”

"Do you wanna try some?"

Twilight exited the hug and stepped back. “Me? I don’t need anything. You taking it off my hooves is more than enough.”

“What? You didn’t want any bits for it?” Applejack looked at the large bowl. “That’s quite the amount to give away for free.”

“You’re my friend, Applejack.”

“Alright, Twilight. Say, you gonna stay for supper?”

“Unfortunately not. Spike and I have some plans to attend to, but you enjoy your feast.”

“Thank you, Twilight.” Applejack picked up the wooden barrel and loaded it onto a cart. She put on the harness and began to pull the cart back to the barn. “You take care now!”

“You as well!” Twilight waved. Sighing as the weight on her shoulders as well as her abundance of lube becoming lighter.

*****

Next Stop: Rainbow Dash

“Alright, it’s exactly three o’clock now, so Rainbow Dash should be taking her midday nap.” Twilight trotted down the dirt path leading out of town where Rainbow Dash was known to go to relax on a cloud of her choice. She darted her eyes back and forth across the sky in search for her friend.

“Aha, there she is,” she said, noticing a rainbow coloured tail dangling down from a low-hanging cloud. “Rainbow!”

Rainbow waved her hoof in the air. “Oh, hey Twilight,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Not much. You know, same old, same old.”

Rainbow stood up and stretched out her wings before flying down. “Ahh, nothing like a good nap after a long morning of doing absolutely nothing. Gets pretty tiring.”

“Oh, I hear you, Rainbow,” Twilight replied.

Rainbow let out a loud yawn. “Yep, yep. Now, ehh… I need a drink.”

“A drink?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “I must’ve slept with my mouth open or something because my throat is dry as a desert.”

For the fourth inappropriate time today, a lightbulb went off in Twilight’s head.

This is perfect!

“You know, Rainbow, I think I may have the perfect solution for your problem.”

“You do?”

“Yep!” Twilight said with a beaming smile. “Wait right here.”

In a flash of light, Twilight disappeared and quickly returned with a glass of liquid.

“Rainbow, may I present to you the newest technology in thirst quenching and dry-mouth relief.” Twilight held the cup of thick liquid out to Rainbow.

“Um, what is it?” Rainbow said, eyeing the substance questionably.

“Well, it’s a specially formulated blend of water based liquid with all-natural materials to lubricate even the driest and roughest of throats. Not to mention it tastes pretty darn good, too.”

Rainbow cocked an eyebrow and looked at Twilight. “Umm, no offense Twilight, but that looks kinda gross. I think I’d rather just grab some Flavorade or something.”

“No!” Twilight said. “Trust me on this one. All you have to do is drink down some of this and your mouth and throat will be good as new.”

“I don’t know, Twi…” Rainbow darted her eyes back and forth between the glass and Twilight’s increasingly larger eyes. “Well, what the heck.”

Rainbow snatched the glass and took a quick swig, downing the whole thing. As the thick fluid washed down through her mouth and into her body, her eyes grew wide.

“Uhh, Twilight?”

“Yes?” she said, a bead of sweat beginning to drip down her forehead.

“This was awesome!” Rainbow licked her lips and smiled. “That stuff really was great!”

Twilight let out an internal sigh of relief. “No problem, Rainbow. Of course, I’m just putting my friends first, here.”

“Well, whatever it was, it worked. Now, if you don’t mind, Tank and I have a playdate scheduled this afternoon, so I think I'm gonna head back to the house and meet up with him. Thanks again!”

Twilight smiled and watched her friend fly away. “No, Rainbow, thank you.”

*****

Fluttershy's cottage loomed out from the darkness. The sun dipped in the horizon, but having a house near the Everfree Forest guaranteed early nights.

Luckily for Twilight, Fluttershy was tending to her garden outside.

Alright, Twilight. Remember chapter two from ‘How to Act’.

Twilight brought a hoof over her head. She lowered it over her face, covering it. Once it passed by, Twilight was in character and ready to preach.

She opened her mouth when approaching Fluttershy. But closed it upon noticing her friend’s distressed state, actual concern came over Twilight.

“Fluttershy?”

“Yeep!” Fluttershy twirled around, relaxing when she saw it was just a friend. “Oh, Twilight, you shouldn’t sneak up on ponies. Especially at this time of day.”

“Oh, sorry Fluttershy.” Twilight narrowed her eyes on Fluttershy’s coat; dirt and other such things covered Fluttershy. Twilight raised her brow at such a sight. She knew Fluttershy wasn’t like Rarity, but Flutters always kept up in appearance.

Twilight wasn’t going to be rude and mention it. But Fluttershy already caught her gaze. “Twilight, I don’t suppose I could come over and borrow your shower?”

Twilight shook her head. “Why? What’s wrong with yours?” She mentally slapped herself and corrected herself. “I mean, is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine. But there’s something wrong with my pipes connecting to the water supply. And I don’t have any barrels for my back-up water.”

“Why don’t you just take a bath in the lake?

Fluttershy avoided eye contact. “I don’t like to bathe publicly.”

“I see…” Twilight looked away as well and took interest in a particular tree. “Well, I suppose it’s fine.”

Then Twilight smiled. Her mane became ever more wild. She realized what else she had at home that could help out poor Ms. Fluttershy.

“But that’s a temporary fix to your problem, you need a permanent one!” Fluttershy tilted her head. She went to ask what Twilight had meant, but she was gone in a flash.

And back with another one!

Fluttery eyed the barrel Twilight brought along.

"Twilight, what is this?"

“Well, you were saying how you didn’t have any back-up water, so I got you a replacement.”

“Oh,” Fluttershy mutter. She continued to eye the barrel with a frown. “Well, thank you, Twilight. But I don’t see any labels on it.”

“That’s because—”

“What brand is it? Is it safe for ponies to bathe in? Where did the water come from?”

Twilight shut her mouth. Fluttershy was doing that thing again. Where she could be assaulting yet so passive at the same time that you can’t really fight back. And the way how she looked at the barrel, it’s almost like she saw into it.

Was Twilight, for lack of a better word, screwed?

It’s like she knows, Twilight thought, if I lie it will confirm her suspicion.

“The thing is, Fluttershy, that this isn’t water,” Twilight admitted, unabashed.

Fluttershy tilted her head. “It isn’t?”

“Nope. It’s a special lubricant that the Princess sent me that helps better defeat the dirt in our fur and rejuvenate our bodies.”

“Lubricant?” Fluttershy said. “Sorry if this comes off as rude, Twilight, but I’d rather have some water.”

Twilight bit her lower lip. It’s not working.

“Are you sure you don’t want to at least try it, Fluttershy? Rarity swears by the stuff.”

“I don’t know, Twilight. Wouldn’t the lubricant just get stuck on my body?”

“That’s why all you have to do is quickly dunk yourself into the pond.”

“But I don’t like—”

“It’d only be a quick dunk,” Twilight resorted. Then she played a trick. “It would really help me out. Celestia wants to know if the lubricant is for everypony.”

“Well…”

“Please?”

Fluttershy sighed. Peer-pressure, especially from a friend, was her weakness. “Okay Twilight. I’ll try it, but only this once!”

Twilight’s face lit up with glee. “Really? Thank you, Fluttershy!” She hugged her close friend. By the way Twilight’s mane was transforming; pretty soon, she was going to need a shower.

Twilight ended the hug. “Alright. Well, I suppose I’ll get to work on your shower.”

And with another flash, Twilight and the barrel secretly filled with anal lube disappeared.

Fluttershy stood around. Not quite sure what she should be doing. If anything, all of this happened so fast that Fluttershy wasn’t quite sure what to think. She could return tending to her plants, but she couldn’t get herself to move.

So she sat down and did nothing and thought nothing.

Eventually, Twilight returned with grease covering her normally lavender fur. Just when did Twilight become a plumber?

“It’s done!” Twilight cheered. The barrel no longer accompanied her. “Why don’t you go try it out?”

“Like, right now?”

“Yep. Right at this moment.”

Fluttershy meeped; hiding behind her mane. “Twilight. You’re not going to watch are you?”

“What!?” Twilight waved her hooves. “Nononono! I’d just want to make sure the shower works proper and your opinion on the lube.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I guess I’ll go try it out.”

I never knew I could be such a great salespony! Maybe next time, I’ll order more and find a way to sell it.

Twilight was descending into madness. And she was fine with it.

From the cottage, Twilight heard a fit of moans as well as lube splattering against the bathtub. Peeking through the window and breaking yet another promise, Twilight watched Fluttershy shower.

The lube occupied most of Fluttershy’s frame. The lube abducted most of the dirt, creating little balls of browness. It seems Twilight wasn’t lying about the lube doing wonders about combating filth.

It was like Fluttershy was given a complete makeover!

I’m going to have to ask Twilight was type of lube this is, Fluttershy thought.

Once it reached the point where her body was being weighed down by the lube, she pulled the tab to stop the flow of anal lube. Fluttershy carried that weight outside, and slowly entered the pond outside her house.

It was like Fluttershy was being lifted to heaven. As she sunk down into the water; the lube lifted up to the surface of the water. The weight Fluttershy was greatful was gone, which felt even greater!

Fluttershy emerged from the water, with a scent reminiscent of apples. She was a born-again mare.

Twilight approached her. “So… how did it feel?”

"Oh my goodness, Celestia should cover all of Equestria in this substance!"

“So, you’ll keep it?”

“Most definitely.”

“Great! I’ll be off then,” Twilight said, and left without another word.

Fluttershy would’ve questioned her awkward behaviour, but she was in total bliss. There was no need to question anything in this world.

Twilight stepped through her front door, head hanging low. As she made her way through the living room, she paused only to gaze upon the giant barrel of her demise, sitting in the middle of the floor.

“There’s just too much,” she said,. “I was able to pawn it off on all of my close friends, but that barely equaled to even a gallon!”

She let out a deep sigh and flopped onto her couch, ready to wallow in self-misery for untold amounts of time. However, that plan was quickly vanquished upon hearing the door fly open.

“Twilight, have no fear! I have found a solution!”

Twilight shot her head up to see a very determined Spike stroll through her front door… accompanied by about seven mares.

“Spike? You gotta be kidding…”

“No need to thank me, Twi,” the dragon said with a wink as the mares flooded into the room behind him. “I’m just looking out for our best interests.”

Twilight stared in disbelief as the dragon made his way up the stairs. Trixie, Lyra, Bon Bon, Octavia… he had a busy day.

“Now, Twilight, if you’ll do me a favor and teleport some lube up to my room, that’d be great.”

Trixie walked up to Spike and laced her hoof over him. “Trixie can think of several uses for it.”

“Yeah, you better just go ahead and teleport the whole barrel.”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that my life makes no sense.

Your most confused student,

Twilight Sparkle

Author's Note

Shoutout to the lovely Vexette. It's her birthday, so she gets a crappy story.

Bowchicawowow