Every night, before I go to sleep, Rarity comes to my room to say goodnight. It’s like that since I remember and I’m pretty sure it was happening when I was too young to keep track of it.
I yawn, turning in my bed. There’s some shadow on the wall and my heart skips a beat as I look at it. It’s not like I’m afraid of it. It just... surprised me, that’s all. After all, it’s just a shadow. It’s not a monster hiding in the closet or under the bed. I’m far too old to believe in monsters.
When I was younger, Rarity was scaring the monsters off. She didn’t even have to look under the bed or open the closet’s door. She’d enter the room and all the monsters would disappear, scared of her. Not even a faintest noise could be heard once she entered my room to say goodnight to me.
I turn in my bed again, causing the old springs to make a noise that grinds into my ears and makes me take a look at the closet. I’m not sure why. The doors are well-oiled and they don’t creak. Besides, the only being hiding in the closet may be Scootaloo. But it was a long time ago, in Apple Bloom’s house. I never knew Apple Bloom had so many bows.
Something creaks again. Maybe it’s the door? The closet’s hinges may be well-oiled, but same cannot be said about the door of my room – after all, I have to hear when Rarity comes to say goodnight to me.
Slowly, I turn my head towards the door. Nothing. The door is closed. I sigh, covering myself with a blanket. Maybe I’d just fall asleep soon? But that way, I won’t hear her. It would be bad if I didn’t.
I think my sister cares about me. Like, she really does. She may be busy with her dresses or friends, but she always comes to say goodnight to me. She definitely loves me, I’m sure of that. I need her and she needs me.
I snap out of that bizarre state between being asleep and awake; my eyes shoot open and I nearly dart out of the bed, as if it was morning. But no, the moon is still shining at my window, casting an eerie shadow on the wall. Eerie is a funny word. I learned it from Rarity.
I sit on my bed and stretch my hooves. Rarity is still not here and I really want to sleep. If I fell asleep before she comes... I simply can’t do that. I want, but, deep down, something tells me that if I did, bad things would happen. That’s funny, but at the same moment, terrible cold overwhelms me. Not even the blanket stops it. It comes from the inside of me.
Okay, it stops being funny. I want to sleep, but apparently I can’t. There’s no way for me to fall asleep, unless Rarity comes. Should I go and look for her? No. Never. It’s always her who comes to me to say goodnight and if I went to her... that’d mean that...
It’d mean that she failed me. And Rarity wouldn’t want to fail me. If she did, she’d be mad at herself, at me, at the whole world. I wouldn’t be able to watch her being like that. That’d make things even worse.
I struggle to keep my eyes open. Rarity is my big sister. I can’t make her fail me. That would be my fault. I’d fail her and then she’d fail me.
I sigh, staring at the ceiling. My whole life is one continuous blur of failures. I can’t even stay awake for long enough to see Rarity. To hear her saying goodnight to me. To wait patiently till she closes the door of my room and goes to sleep. Straighten the blankets and go to sleep myself like a good filly should.
I bang my hoof against the pillow. Sometimes I think it shouldn’t be like this. That maybe Apple Bloom doesn’t wait till Applejack comes to say goodnight to her and just goes to sleep. And how about Scootaloo and her parents? I’ve never seen them during sleepovers. Applejack sometimes comes to the clubhouse, but it’s not like she stays for long.
Whenever my friends come to me for sleepovers, Rarity never comes to say goodnight to me. I guess she doesn’t want my friends to see that. Maybe she doesn’t want me to feel stupid or foalish? I have no idea. It’s strange – when my friends are there, I can fall asleep just fine without Rarity being there.
Now? I’m scared. Not like, a scared foal who can’t sleep. I’m not afraid of the moon, shadows, monsters, clowns, not even the purple watchmaker of light... Just scared of falling asleep, even though there’s nothing I want more than fading into darkness. Where is Rarity? Maybe something happened to her?
No. I can’t think of that. Nothing can happen to Rarity because if it did, I’d never be able to sleep again and this just isn’t possible, right? Right? Rarity is probably fine, just working late. After all, Rarity is strong and always cares about me and comes to say goodnight, every night since I remember.
Sometimes I think I’m scared of Rarity. But only a bit.
I kick the blanket off of me and let cold overwhelm me. I shudder, standing up. A quick look around the room. The soft carpet, the window, lots of toys. Drawings on the walls. Door that is still closed, because Rarity is still not here. On the other hoof, the window is open which is why the room is so cold. I walk to it. The carpet bends slightly under my hooves as I trot, limping slightly.
I close the window, trying not to look at the world behind it. There’s nothing interesting there. Well, at least not now. I’m tired, sleepy, cold, and scared, and yet I can’t do anything about it. I doubt anyone in the world can. Even Rarity wo–
Wait. What am I talking about? Rarity can do anything! She’s an adult. She’s an accomplished fashionista. I learned the word ‘accomplished’ from her. Rarity is, well, Rarity and I’m myself.
Unfortunately.
My head low, I walk back to the bed and drop on it without any finesse or grace. I couldn’t do that in any other way even if I was fine. After all, I’m just a clumsy little filly who can’t even get her cutie mark. In fact, I can’t even bring myself to actually care about the lack of my cutie mark.
I will never tell that to Apple Bloom, but being a blank flank is the least of the things that bother me. There are so many failures in me that this particular one is just not worth worrying about. I wish I could be like Rarity. I wouldn’t lie here trying not to think about my stupid life. Who knows, maybe I’d have a little sister to say goodnight to?
I stifle a sob. There are a few things in the world I wouldn’t want to see anymore and one of them is Rarity seeing me crying. She’s always trying to cheer me up, but deep inside, I know what she is hiding: the feeling that I failed her yet again.
I bury my face in the pillow. I definitely don’t want to see Rarity pity me again.
On nights like this one, I just want everything to end. As far as I can tell, it wasn’t always like that, but now the brief time between me going to bed and Rarity coming to say goodnight to me is even worse than–
I hear the lock clicking. The hinges creak, followed by the very familiar hoofsteps. I don’t even have to turn to know who’s that. After all, every night, before I go to sleep, Rarity comes to my room to say goodnight.
Sometimes I wish she didn’t.
