Not Exactly the Savior of the Universe
Twilight Sparkle wasn't sure if everyone at this school was crazy, or if it was just her.
A small part of her was piloting her body by person after person who smiled, waved, and greeted her. Based on past experience, that would be merely unusual, were it not for the fact that they were all greeting her by name. The rest of her was trying to think of an explanation for this phenomenon and failing.
Though, thinking about it, what did it say about her that people being nice to her qualified as a surreal, disturbing experience? For that matter, what did it say about Canterlot High, Crystal Prep Academy, and the relative difference between their respective student bodies and administrative policies? The delta value between the two schools, so to speak. Of course, Twilight would need much more data about Canterlot High, and as interesting as an attempt to quantize scholastic cultures sounded, she had rather more pressing concerns.
Walking into someone wasn't what she meant when she thought that, but it soon became her principal concern.
"Twilight?" And the orange blob whose guitar case she was straddling knew her name. Of course he did. "I almost didn't recognize you. When did you start wearing glasses?"
What a bizarre question. A more pressing one was why he wasn't helping find her glasses. Still, alienating him wasn't likely to encourage his assistance, and her blind groping wasn't likely to find the blasted things. Remembering her attack of logorrhea on the bus, Twilight tried to translate her usual vernacular to Common Teenager. "Um, like, since forever?"
"Oh." He sounded confused. Twilight could empathize. "So how long are you here for?"
"Just for the Friendship Games." Twilight moved for another portion of the floor and ran up against a firm, warm substance. She really hoped it wasn't the boy's chest. That would just be horribly awkward.
"Right. Of course." The blob shifted colors and slid her glasses onto her face, revealing the boy's smile. "We'll totally win with you here."
Twilight supposed the boy was attractive from a relatively objective viewpoint, but that insult clarified matters. He had perfected Sour Sweet's personality, combining superficial politeness and sincere hostility into a seamless whole. It was almost impressive, in a horrible sort of way.
Thankfully, the spectrocapacitor beeped, drawing Twilight's attention. A nearby anomaly! Now to smoothly draw the conversation to a natural close. "Uh, I gotta go."
Flash Sentry watched Twilight run off. "Uh, okay. Bye?" He sagged. "Aw."
Flash felt someone patting his back. He turned and gave a flat look to Ditzy Doo. “Seriously?”
She smiled. “Hey, I know exactly how you feel.”
He blinked. “You do?”
“Sure," Ditzy said with a nod. "You have no idea what just went wrong or how.”
“Huh." Flash gave a chuckle. "Yeah, I guess you do.”
Ditzy winked. “Good news is, I can explain this one.”
Flash's jaw dropped. A girl willing to explain what they thought. His prayers were officially answered. "Well... sure!"
“So..." Ditzy tented her fingers. "Did Twilight seem any different to you?”
“You mean the glasses?”
She gave him and a row of lockers a funny look. “Anything else?"
"Well, she was wearing her hair differently." Ditzy's expression didn't shift. Flash kept thinking. "And she had a new outfit?" He fidgeted under the persistent, off-kilter stare. "Ditzy, I really don't know what else I was supposed to notice."
The girl sighed and counted off further points on her fingers. "She didn't recognize anyone, including you. She didn't ball up her hands when she wasn't using her fingers. She was able to form complete sentences around you. She—“
Flash held up a hand. “I think I get it.”
Ditzy crossed her arms. “So, what does that all tell you?”
Flash bit his lip. After a few moments, he said, "Uh... amnesia?”
"Amnesia." Ditzy's flat tone made her opinion on that idea clear.
"Well, she didn't recognize anyone."
Ditzy rubbed her temples. “I keep telling Pinkie we need to print that pamphlet. It'd answer so many questions." She sighed. "Look, that was clearly not the Twilight we all know, love, and allow to participate in extracurricular activities despite not attending any classes.”
Flash frowned. “Then who was it?”
“The one from this world, I guess. You know, the actually human one, as opposed to the one who’s a magical flying alien princess horse.” Ditzy flapped her hands for emphasis.
“Oh. Right." Flash shuddered. "I… try not to think about that.”
Ditzy nodded. “Can’t say I blame you.”
Flash gasped, groaned, and facepalmed. “I just treated a total stranger like... Oh man, I must have looked like the world’s biggest slimeball to her.”
“Well, you did kind of hit on a perfect stranger, but you’d have a lot of stiff competition for world’s biggest slimeball.” Ditzy noted Flash’s frown. “Not helping?”
“Not helping.”
She gave a nervous giggle. “Sorry.”
Flash sighed. “Well, at least I understand what I did wrong.” He frowned. "But how'd you figure all of this out?"
"Just because my eyes are wonky doesn't mean I don't pay attention to things, especially not magical flying alien princess horses. If she played card games, she'd represent just about every major interest I've had since I was four." Ditzy smirked. "I don't even like girls and I'm kind of jealous of how much she likes you."
"Uh... thanks?"
"Sure let's go with that." Ditzy stuck out her tongue. "I'm pretty sure that was supposed to be a compliment."
Twilight walked by again, folded in on herself at the side of a very severe-looking woman.
Once they went by, Ditzy said, "And there we have the villain of our piece."
Flash turned to her. "Huh?"
She pointed in the direction the pair had gone. "We have a Twilight Sparkle on the premises during a major extracurricular event. I would bet good money on there being some kind of magical catastrophe before the end of the Friendship Games, and the woman who looks like a Whinny villainess will probably be involved somehow."
"Aren't you judging the book by its cover there?"
Ditzy hummed to herself for a moment. "Well, going by past experience, she should be about our age and her skin tone should—" She bit her lip. "Call it a hunch."
Flash decided it was best to let that go. "I just hope the disaster can wait until after I apologize to Twilight."
Ditzy shrugged. "I can't make any promises there."
Flash sighed. The meet-and-greet party was going nowhere, but it could have been the social event of the year and he'd still feel as down as he did now. He watched Twilight, standing by herself, clearly out of her element. He felt the same way. The only difference was that he was sitting in the bleachers.
"I'm telling you, Lyra, there have been multiple credible eyewitness accounts of the Arimaspi in the Hyperboreans."
"I thought I was supposed to be the crazy one in this relationship."
Flash blinked and looked down. He wasn't sure when Lyra and Bonbon had sat below him, but he wasn't going to pass up another opportunity to get some help from his Friendship Games teammates. "Uh, girls?"
They turned to face him and mirrored his frown "What's got you down, Flash?" said Lyra.
"I..." He took a deep breath. "I really messed up with Twilight."
She tilted her head. "Which one?"
Flash blinked. "Wait, you know about that mess?"
Bonbon rolled her eyes. "Lyra thinks way too much about that kind of thing."
Lyra nudged her with an elbow. "Says the girl who wanted to look for Bigfoot during that camping trip in eighth grade."
"Anyway," said a blushing Bonbon, "after she walked past us without a hint of recognition, we knew something was up. I still haven't ruled out doppelgangers."
Lyra snorted. "It'd be the worst doppelganger in history. Aren't they supposed to look exactly like their targets?"
Bonbon held up a finger. "They do according to legend. We don't know what the truth is."
Flash cleared his throat. "Uh, girls?"
They turned back to him. Lyra gave an awkward chuckle. "So, uh, what's the problem?"
"Well, earlier today, I walked into that Twilight over there—"
Both rolled their eyes and chorused, "Of course you did."
"Yeah, yeah, yuck it up. Anyway, I thought she was, you know, the other Twilight. Now she must think I'm a huge creep."
Lyra hissed through her teeth. "Yeah, that does seem like a big no-no in parallel universe etiquette. Still, if you apologize, you may be able to salvage the situation."
"That's what I thought at first, but..." Flash shook his head. "What do I say? 'Sorry, I thought you were you?'"
"Just explain that it's a case of mistaken Twidentity."
Bonbon gave Lyra a light smack, despite the smirk on her own face. "Obviously, you don't mention the whole magical counterpart thing. But if a calm, rational apology for something like that will work on anyone, it'll work on Twilight Sparkle."
"Thanks, girls. Now, I just need to..." Flash trailed off and looked about the gymnasium. "Where'd she go?"
The lights cut out, replaced a moment later by a disco ball. "If I had to guess," began Lyra.
Bonbon finished the thought as confetti began to rain from the ceiling. "Pinkie Pie."
Flash beamed. Twilight had to be in a good mood after she won the last part of the academic decathalon. This was the perfect time to redeem himself. "Congratulations!" he said as she stepped down from the stage. "You were really great!"
Her necklace lit up. She held up a finger. "I'm sorry. Excuse me."
"Okay, then." Flash wilted. "Aw." He looked around the room. More advice was clearly the way to go. He caught Bonbon's gaze for just long enough to see her snarl at him. Right. Still mad at him for the frosted loaf of bread. Definitely not going to help him out anymore, and Lyra would probably support her best friend.
He settled on someone else, who was pacing in a corner of the gym. "Uh, Ditzy? A little help?"
No response. Flash got closer, enough to hear her muttering. "Did the Crystal Prep kids slip me different compounds? Was it the burner fuel?"
"Ditzy?" Flash said a little more loudly.
"Huh?" Ditzy turned. Her eyes bobbled about in her head for a few moments before approximately focusing on Flash. "Oh. Hi, Flash. What's up?"
"I could use a bit more advice with Twilight, if that's okay."
Ditzy sighed and shook her head. "Look, I have much more pressing matters to worry about than your love life right now. I think I broke chemistry."
Flash blinked. "You what?"
"I asked Ms. Punch after the chemistry event, and she confirmed that the compounds we were using shouldn't have been able to explode." Ditzy ran her fingers through her hair. "Does this mean I'm magical now? Maybe Sunset could—"
"Sunset! Of course!" Flash raced off. Ditzy shouted something at him, but his course was clear. He knew this was what he needed to do.
Once Flash was out of the school, he spotted Sunset with several of her friends. "Hey!" he called as he ran to them.
They all turned, their reactions mixed. Rarity and Applejack seemed nervous, Pinkie Pie was shaking her head, Rainbow Dash was smirking—never a good sign—and Sunset...
Flash stopped in his tracks, pinned down by a glare he hadn't seen since before the Fall Formal. Sunset stalked towards him. "What is it, Flash?"
He gulped, a chill going down his spine. Sunset had a lot of different kinds of anger, and that forced tone was reserved for the most intense varieties. "I... I was hoping you could help me with a problem I'm having with Twilight." A chill went down Flash's spine as he heard himself. That had sounded a lot better in his head.
The other girls gave a chorus of groans and hisses. Flash distinctly heard Rarity mutter, "Oh, you poor besotted fool."
Then he heard the first laugh escape Sunset's lips, sounding more like a cough. Then there was another, and another, until they were pouring out of her. Sunset fell to her knees, clutching her sides.
Flash took a step back. "Uh, if this is a bad time—"
In a blink, Sunset was face to face with him, clutching his jacket's lapels. "Which one, Flash? The one who never answered my pleas for help and is now totally inaccessible, or the one who took away my one way home? Or is there a third one, because why wouldn't there be? Whatever delinquent gods oversee this universe clearly have nothing better to do than mess with me, so—"
At that point, Applejack and Rainbow Dash managed to pry Sunset off of him, the former covering her mouth, which only muffled the ongoing rant.
"You'll have to pardon her, Flash," Rarity said as she straightened his jacket. "She's under a tremendous amount of stress right now."
Flash nodded as he backed away. "Uh, sure."
Sunset stopped thrashing and held up her hands. Her friends carefully released her. "Okay. Okay, I'm good. I think I needed that." She took a deep breath. "Sorry, Flash."
"It's fine." He kept his distance. "Uh, is there any way I can help?"
Sunset shook her head. "Thanks, but unless you picked up a thaumology degree since we broke up, you wouldn't even understand what the problem is. Right now, I'd say the probability of these games ending in mind control or demons—"
"Or mind-controlling demons," said Pinkie.
"I'd put it at forty percent and rising. I'm the only one who has any hope of keeping that from happening." Sunset grimaced. "Well, in theory. The point is, your personal life is pretty high on the list of things I don't have time for right now."
"Oh. Got it. Sorry." Flash gulped. "Uh, good luck with the rest of the Games?" He wilted under the girls' many looks, from pitying to scathing. "I'll be going now."
"You do that," said Sunset.
When Twilight emerged from her dark transformation, most students fled the stands in an attempt to get away from the terrifying monster. A few stayed where they were. In Flash's case, it was because all of his thoughts were consumed by trying to resolve an internal conflict.
I shouldn't find a crazy demon girl this hot.
He managed to avert his gaze from the beast and looked for a distraction. He found Ditzy Doo, paralyzed as he had been. He sidled over to her. Judging by eyes even more unfocused than usual and a muttered mantra of "This is very bad," she was petrified by fear, not... anything else.
Flash cleared his throat. "So, uh, looks like you called it."
Ditzy blinked and turned to him, mouth hanging open in incredulity. "I appreciate the thought, Flash, but we're all probably going to die or get mind controlled."
An explosion drew their attention back to the entrance. A jagged hole in the ground opened into an alien sky. "Correction," said Ditzy. "Barring a deus ex machina, we are all definitely going to die."
"Or get mind controlled."
Ditzy gestured at the hole with an outstretched hand. "Flash, she just literally tore time and space a new one. I don't think mind control is on the agenda!"
"Anything I can do to help?" asked her voice from behind them.
They turned. A little cockeyed flying horse, more of a pony, smiled at them from the other side of a tear in space. Her coat and mane were eerily familiar shades. Ditzy gaped at her, a strained croak the only thing coming out of her throat.
"Uh, you should probably stay on your side," said Flash.
The pony peered past him and sucked a breath through her teeth. "Yeah, probably. Good luck."
"We're gonna need it," said Ditzy.
"You said it, monkey self, not me."
"This isn't the way!"
The shout made Flash and Ditzy turn back to the entrance. Sunset Shimmer stood before the transformed Twilight, shouting about her own experiences with demonhood.
"What does she think she's doing?" said Flash.
Ditzy gulped and crossed her fingers. "Putting a god on a machine, hopefully."
Finding the transformed Sunset just as attractive as Twilight was little comfort to Flash.
"Boy, would Zigarre have a field day with those horns or what?"
Ditzy's commentary did nothing to help.
A few days later, Flash finally tracked down Twilight, hanging out with her new friends in front of the rebuilt Wondercolts statue. He cleared his throat. "Uh, Twilight?"
The girls all looked up at him. Flash did his best to ignore the rolled eyes. Twilight was the one who mattered, and she adjusted her glasses and said, "I'm guessing you know my Equestrian analogue?"
Flash attempted a grin. He could feel it not going well. "You could say that. Look, I just wanted to apologize for mistaking you for her when we first met. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything."
Twilight blinked blankly. "Have we met?"
Flash's mouth worked silently for a few moments. "Uh, the first day you were here? We walked into each other?"
The blank look persisted for another second before it gave way to comprehension. "Oh! Right, that." Twilight gave a sheepish grin. "I'm sorry, between the exotic energy, the spacial rifts, going mad with power... Well, I'd kind of forgotten about that."
"Oh. Uh." Flash cleared his throat. "Well then."
"Who are you, again?"
"Flash Sentry. And again, I'm sorry."
"Flash?" It was Twilight's voice, but it came from behind her. Everyone turned to see another purple girl, her brow furrowed, her tone hurt. "Why are you apologizing to my human counterpart?"
Flash supposed he should feel afraid in this situation. Instead, he felt a warm glow of pride in his chest. He moved from Twilight to Twilight, smiled, and said, "This isn't what it looks like. I can explain."
Author's Note
Yes, this instance of She of the Seven Bubbles is rather different from canon. This is a Ditzy Doo, as opposed to a Muffins. Derpologists have recorded at least four substrains of strabismic blondes across Equestrian probability space.
If the pony is an anti-monster operative, it stands to reason that the human is a cryptozoology nerd. I am positive that this is how logic works.
I think Berry Punch would make a great chemistry teacher. And it's not like we've seen her human analogue.
Zigarre is, as you may have guessed, German for cigar. Can you think of a better name for pony Freud?
And don't worry, Flash will... well, at the very least, he'll survive.
