Never Okay

by GjallarFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad
Length: 930

Even a happy, healthy, loving relationship can't cure Twilight's depression.

Twilight's been depressed for a long time. Even through all of her adventures. Even through all of her shenanigans with her friends. Even when she feels like she's on top of the world. Even when she has the most beautiful and sweetest marefriend anypony could ever have. The weight of that burden only ever grows. But sometimes, the right person can make it just a little easier to handle.

Trigger warnings: Suicidal thoughts

Published 2016-02-22 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-22 22:30:01 UTC

I'm Sorry

"It's getting bad again, isn't it?" a soft voice, barely louder than a whisper, asked. The pegasus who owned the voice looked over at Twilight with an expression of deep concern. She'd been abnormally quiet for almost a week, and Fluttershy couldn't just shake off the anxiety anymore. When the unicorn didn't respond, Fluttershy placed her hoof over Twilight's.

Twilight raised her eyes to meet Fluttershy's and then looked away again, her eyelids drooping and her gaze falling to the floor as though weighted with lead contact lenses.

"Twily, it hurts to see you like this..." Fluttershy choked out, standing up briefly to take a seat next to Twilight, wrapping her wing around the quiet unicorn. "And it hurts more when you don't tell me when it's bothering you..."

Twilight seemed to shrink at the comment. Her entire body tensed up and moved slightly away from Fluttershy, as though she were uncomfortable with her proximity. But for all of that, she still remained silent, not the slightest sound escaping her.

"C-Can... can you a-at least u-u-um... a-answer a few questions...?" Fluttershy barely managed to stammer out.

Twilight closed her eyes and turned her head away before nodding just enough to be seen.

"Are you thinking of dying again...?" Her voice was barely audible, even in such close proximity. The ambient noise of crickets chirping outside was almost louder than her words.

Twilight simply nodded in response, keeping her head turned away from her marefriend so she wouldn't see the tears starting to roll down her cheek. It was a point of pride for her to look and be strong to her marefriend. She wanted to be Fluttershy's rock, and protector. But here she was crying for no reason.

"Is there anything I can do to help...?" the pegasus continued with her questions, pulling Twilight just a little closer to her with her wing.

Twilight shook her head sniffling as tears began to fall from her face to the floor, crashing down with the force of meteors. Fluttershy winced a little, and turned Twilight by the cheek with a hoof to face her. She wiped away the tears staining her face and gave her a sweet but weak smile, and a kiss on her forehead just under her horn. The pegasus didn't bother asking anything more. What more could words really do at that point, than just be simple vibrations in the air? Fluttershy knew better than to keep talking. She let her head fall and rest across Twilight's hooves, her wing still wrapped tightly around her marefriend.

For a while, they just stayed like that. It didn't matter that it was long past midnight on a Tuesday. It didn't matter that Twilight was feeling suicidal again. It didn't matter how many times this had happened before. All that counted was that Fluttershy was there for her, insisting on comforting her as best she could, even if it was all in vain; the warmth of her wings, and the slight push of her chest expanding and contracting with every soft breath, and the gentle rhythm of her heartbeat, and the way she looked so calm and peaceful when Twilight looked down at her.

Twilight pulled a hoof out from under Fluttershy's chin, bringing it up and running it through Fluttershy's mane as though she were petting a cat. Fluttershy didn't seem to mind, though, as she just smiled contentedly and let out a satisfied sigh. And Twilight continued absently stroking her lover's mane, staring out the window into the dark.

"I'm sorry I'm like this, Shy," Twilight murmured just over a whisper. "I'm sorry you got stuck with me for a marefriend."

"Twilight Sparkle!" Fluttershy gasped in faux indignation. "I am surprised at you!"

Twilight's face faltered.

"You apologize for being the sweetest, smartest, bravest, most amazing mare ever? How dare you!" Fluttershy gushed, kissing Twilight on the cheek several times between adjectives. "I'm proud to be 'stuck with you,' my love."

Twilight smiled weakly for the first time in a week. She nuzzled her marefriend and pulled her into a hug, wanting nothing more than maximum contact with her. "I'm sorry I'm never okay anymore..."

"I love you," Fluttershy whispered directly into the unicorn's ear.

"Fluttershy..."

"You don't have to be my rock. I'm more than happy to be yours," the pegasus in question replied.

"I just... I want to be strong for you and I just start thinking that—"

"Twilight, love, we both know how dangerous that can be," Fluttershy interrupted with a smile, taking the hoof Twilight had been using to stroke her mane in her own and starting to get said hoof moving again. "I think that you should just stop thinking for a while. You know, like meditation..."

"I've actually tried that once with the Princess," Twilight murmured in response.

"Oh? Am I detecting a story?" Fluttershy purred.

"Well there wasn't much of a story. But essentially Celestia said something similar to what you just said, and the next day we tried meditation. Within five minutes I was asking her what we were doing," Twilight recounted with a faint smile.

"That... That sounds exactly like what you'd do," Fluttershy giggled.

"And then she said 'we're not thinking' I just remember whining in my tiny filly voice 'BUT NOT THINKING IS SO BORING' and she just started laughing," Twilight finished, chuckling a bit to herself. "Never realized why she thought that was so funny until now."

"Well now that you're smiling, stop thinking and kiss me the way that makes my heart beat weird."