Banana Pones vs Potato Pones

by The Psychopath

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 4258

Discord is invited by the princesses to attend a dinner. He grows bored and decides to bring life to the potatoes and bananas.

Discord was invited to attend a private dinner with the two princesses of Equestria, but it's tremendously boring, so he decides to spice things up a bit. What else would a uselessly long table be for?

Published 2015-10-04 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-04 20:50:01 UTC

Starch vs Potassium

"This is so boooooring!" Discord groaned at the top of his lungs.

He, Celestia, and Luna were all sitting in the dining lounge. It was a private feast so there was nopony else, not even guards. All three sat at an excessively long table that was rather common in noble households. The wood it was made from was a deep, polished brown, the edges were carved to curve down into two layers, and the legs were decorated with all manner of wooden fruits and vegetables. The walls were white on the upper half and covered with a floral wallpaper; Its background was purple and had a wide variety of flowers of different shades of pink and purple interconnected by green vines. Luckily, though, the floor was only made of black marble illuminated by only source of light for the room which were three enormous windows behind Celestia. They extended all the way to the top of the room which was taller than most houses in Ponyville. Sitting on the table were a wide variety of herbivorous treats. There were several flower salads with a glaze of salad dressing, of varying colors for each salad, poured atop them and sprinkled with sparkling seasonings; special dishes from across the sea that were made from corn and tomato sauce; and even something as unknown as spaghetti and sushi. Discord was the only one sitting on a chair, although, to be fair, his was made of porcupines and a lovely pink sash wrapped around the 'arm holds'.

Luna slammed a fork on the table with her telekinesis and glared at Discord whose head had bent over behind the top of his seat. "We are here to have a tranquil meal together and talk. I won't tolerate you besmirching our generosity."

Discord's head twisted from around the back of his chair as if it were a serpent and stared at her blankly with disappointment. "Really? What are we talking about then, Moon Butt?"

"I told you to stop calling me that!"

Discord righted himself up and crossed his arms. "Fine. What are we to discuss, Lunar Derriére?"

Luna started to become red with rage but controlled herself with some deep breathing. Unfortunately, she was at a loss for words and turned to her sister. "What...ARE we to discuss, sister?"

Celestia set down her cup before replying."Anything, certainly. Like, how was your day? What have you done lately?"

Discord groaned internally and let his face fall off his head and onto the table with a thunk. The two princesses ignored his antics and continued to talk together. The draconequus' body pointed to a large fruit bowl full of bananas and a pan full of potato-based cooking. These gave Discord an exciting new idea, so he snapped his fingers to get his face back to where it's supposed to be and swirled around the table to grab both bowls. Naturally, he didn't misuse this opportunity to 'decorate' the two alicorns. Luna found two carrots lodged up her muzzle, a slice of melon in her mouth, two cherry-tomatoes on her eyes, and some parsley in her ears. As for Celestia, her treatment was a bit more sugary; Unlike her sister, her hair had been twirled into an ice cream swirl shape, covered with whipped cream, and had a small candy cherry placed at its top. Her teeth were browned with fudge and her face was covered in blue icing.

"Hahaha!"

Both ponies coughed a bit and wiped their make-up off.

What is the meaning of--" Luna tried to demand.

Discord cut her off and, with a flick of his wrist, brought to life the whole table's food. The bananas ended up on Celestia's side and a banana mush started to spread across the table where they formed into hills, trees, and even mountains. Several little huts started to grow right next to Celestia as well alongside some 'rivers', one could assume. In front of Discord grew the same thing, but this time, they were made of mashed potatoes.

The draconequus looked at it all with a scrunched face normally by people being overloaded with cuteness or excitement. He even had his paw and claw scrunched up under his chin. However, Luna was less than keen with what was happening.

"Discord? What is--"

Discord stretched from his chair and put a finger onto Luna's mouth and continuously shushed her. While he shushed, one of his horns stretched onto the table and lift a piece of pie and brought it towards a stressing alicorn. She could only watch in horror as he slowly opened her mouth and shoved the pie in it, then assisted her in the chewing just to slowly stretch back to his seat. Celestia opened her mouth to say something but lowered her hoof and closed her mouth instead, preferring to not delve any deeper.

"What's it missing, what's it missing?" Discord tapped his chin several times. "I know! Ponies! There's nothing more easy to manipulate and direct than a pony! You should all be called 'sheepies' or something."

"Oh. Oh ho. That was quite witty, Discord. You clearly aren't the god of 'chaos' for nothing," Luna retorted.

Discord pouted and glared at her from the side of his eyes and proceeded to bring life into the world. Curved, banana-shaped ponies with black marbles for eyes came out of the huts near Celestia and looked around, apparently unaware of the 'godlike' beings watching them from above. On the other side, round and chubby potato ponies with white dots for eyes.

"Oh look! They're emerging! What are the banana pones doing on your side, Celestia?"

"I would appreciate if you could call us by our titles, Discord," Luna suggested.

"Pfff. Titles have no meaning. Ponies only call others by a nomination because they fear or respect them."

"And what would your title be caused by?"

"A perfect sense of humor." Discord flaunted himself and adjusted a monocle that had not been present earlier.

"Probably a sense of humor by your mere presence. You are laughable."

"Indeed. Why, you lived things better than I. I mean, everypony loved you for centuries while I was encased in stone. OH WAIT!"

Luna narrowed her eyes while Discord put on a rapper's costume complete with upside-down baseball cap and baggy pants dropping all the way to his feet.

"You dun got swerved!" Discord followed by dropping a microphone onto the ground.

"Hey hey! They started to use these banana chunks against the banana animals...You made them carnivores?" Celestia jerked her head back in confusion.

Discord now wore a safari costume and looked down at the creatures with a long telescope. "Uhhh, those are clearly stohnes, and they are CLEARLY herbivores. The 'animals', as you so speak, " he spoke in a nasally but irritating accent.

"But...but the animals are alive--"

"I SAID HERBIVORES!"

Discord's eyes bulged out of his face in pure anger and pointed a trembling claw at the mare.

"The potatoes are doing something else with them. They're carving the potatoes into sharp stones."

The potato pones had indeed started their first tools a bit earlier than the banana pones and were already making mortars and knives. The three 'deities' watched on as the days of these tiny beings seemed to fly by faster than their own time. Already, the banana pones were starting to develop scriptures and architecture while the potato pones focused more on crafting and discovering early instances of medicine.

"Hey, Luna, look at this one. I think he's going to try that plant and see if it's poisonous or not."

Discord watched in anticipation while Luna could not do much but watch in horror and feel a vice grip her heart. There were three potato pones on a hillside looking at a bush with six-tipped leaves. Two of them were much smaller than the one checking out the plants, and as he bit into one, he grabbed his chest in horror and toppled over. He was dead. The smaller pones tried to wake him, but when they failed after several minutes of trying, they started to cry. Discord exploded in laughter.

"Hahaha! What an idiot! You don't 'eat' a plant to see if it's poisonous."

"Discord! How could you be so cruel? That creature just lost its life in front of what I assume to be its children," Celestia scolded.

The draconequus just waved a hand at her in disapproval. "Oh please. They were apprentices." He pointed at the one crying on the body. "She was supposed to become a hunter, but, due to an argument with her parents and a few neighbors, ended up becoming an apprentice to the first doctor of the potato pones. This one," he pointed to the other, "was just trying to surpass his intellectual abilities. An unusual, I'd say. Might be a fabled genius. Too bad they haven't developed scriptures yet."

"I will help them out by giving them their own night sky. A miniature one would be easy to make," Luna spoke as she started focusing magic into her horn.

Discord lifted a finger in protest, but it was too quiet. "Luna, I wouldn't...No. Go ahead." He crossed his arms and layed back onto nothing.

With but a smidgen of focus, the lunar princess brought forth a blanket of her beautiful night sky that waved over the table like an aurora borealis. It was dark, like any night sky, but it sparkled with lights of various colors and size as though it were the galaxy bring its majesty to simplistic minds just so they could awe in its beauty, and this blanket wouldn't stop gently waving as if it were an ocean.

The pones of both sides left their homes and others halted their activities to look up and stare at the blanket. Luna was expecting them to all get closer to each other or just stare in marvel, but, instead, they all started to panic and scream in high-pitched squeals, stunning Luna for the worse. Some galloped into a wall while others decided to strangle each other for some sort of weird reason, probably involving a comedic sketch.

"Luna, they've been in the sun for their whole lives. Just randomly plunging them in the darkness won't do much but traumatize and terrorize them," Celestia explained. "I'll give them the same cycle we have so they can become accustomed to it."

The lunar princess pouted and turned her back to the table. "Hmph. When you do it it's fine, but when my night comes nopony likes it."

Discord sighed like a steam pot and tried to console Luna despite it probably damaging his stocks in heckledom. "Luna, if it makes you feel any better, if it were the reverse and your sister put them into the sun, their retinas and skin would have probably started burning is if they were in a barbecue and they would have hated her tremendously."

"R-really?" Luna slowly turned and asked with hope.

"Yes." Discord smiled and nodded.

"...I think I might need to get Luna to a psychiatrist...or separate her from Discord. He might be a bad influence on her."

"Ohohohoho! Look!" Discord shouted.

The banana pones were facing a banana pone standing on a podium and making a speech. Shortly after a statue was erected, showing a pony with six bug eyes; six limbs, four on the front; a very sleek frame; a simple horn that bent into a forward-facing, crescent moon and a mane and tail that were both very thin and made in the impression of a wave. It stood on its hind legs and had a very firm and powerful expression on its face.

Discord couldn't help but explode in laughter. "That's how they see you? That's YOU, Luna! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

The draconequus quite literally fell to pieces on the floor but quickly stopped when Luna poured boiling mushroom soup onto him. Celestia, meanwhile leaned against the table near the potato pones to see a statue had already been erected that looked like a giant bipedal creature with an extremely large body, especially at the upper body reason. It wore a suit of armor with no real distinguishable features save for a t-shaped slit on the helmet. It held a spear in its right arm with a shield in its left that seemed to be decorated with jewels, if they were even that. There were several hexagon-shaped platforms with obvious observatories sitting above them from whence several philosophers stood and looked through telescopes at the sky.

Discord chuckled and picked up a piece of corn and threw it at them slowly, making it rotate at the same speed as its movement and eventually start flaming. The ponies at the observatories looked on in horror and started to panic, forcing Celestia to slap him on the back of his head. "Discord!"

"Fine!"

With a movement of his finger, the corn broke into several pieces and disintegrated in the 'night' sky, becoming akin to a meteor shower and bringing awe and inspiration.

"Awww. Sometimes you can bring great things around," Celestia said.

"Hmph." Discord pouted.

In naught but an hour the pones had reached what could be considered as the medieval era, although the castles were quite large and the issues of poverty and filth were not present here. The table had been splits into several different fiefdoms and kingdoms of the pones and they had begun creating trade routes and using what looked like an upside-down ape as steeds for carriages.

"They haven't done much here except build castles and churches around what they assume to be Luna," Discord chuckled.

"That may be, but they've made knightly orders around these deities, if I'm not mistaken. Some of them are more war-like than anything," Celestia observed.

"Sister, look. Explorers from both sides are going to cross the mountain ranges."

What Luna noted was indeed true. The potato pones had a five-pone exploration crew with two carriages moving towards the mountains whilst the banana pones only had a three-pone exploration crew with a single carriage going towards them. Their trip was not an easy one, however. The banana pones were attacked by strange beasts that had no actual way to describe and lost a pone on the mountains when a rock slide occurred. The potato pones, however, had underestimated the food and water reserves they would ave need and were both parched and starving, as were their steeds.

"Looks like they won't make it," Discord said as he picked his nose using a sculpting pick and hammer.

"I can't stand by anymore and let them die while I watch!" Luna shouted.

The lunar princess used her powers to morph a hole into one of the mountains, just a few feet from the trail the potato pones were on, and conjured up a blizzard that pushed them far towards it rather forcefully. All landed in a pile of 'snow' and their gaze was attracted towards the cave to their left that glistened with bright lights. It had a water source and several trees, bushes, and roots of food. One of the pones fell to its knees and prayed to its deity.

Meanwhile, the banana pones were being attacked by some sort of nightmarish beast from the Abyss. Two massive arms with large forearms and two smaller ones with the same features above them; a long, lower body ending in pins and a forked tail; and a face with a tri-linked maw filled with teeth and six black eyes resting above the maw. It was about to kill the exploration crew when Luna 'punched' it into the mountain, tearing its top off and causing it to tumble to the bottom of its once mighty form. The banana pones watched in shock at the divine intervention that just occurred and rejoiced.

"Awww. They brought a statue of their changeling goddess," Discord cooed.

"You should watch when you perform those 'divine interventions', Luna. You didn't help their friend before but helped them now. Doing so might lead to conflicts in the future and a hatred towards you. Deities shouldn't intervene so casually in the lives of all their worshipers," Celestia warned.

Luna started thinking deeply about what her sister spoke about, but while she did so, she missed the two pone kinds meeting each other in the mountains. The initial meeting was yelling and fear, but when they started to notice similarities between each other, that started to talk to each other but learned that event their linguistics were different. To get through this, they went into a cave for protection and started to discuss and trade words while using images to demonstrate their word for it. Luckily, they forgot to mention their deities to each other and parted ways to trade the tales to their own kind as well as a few gifts received. The banana pones seemed more open to the exchange while the potato pones were more reluctant to believe.

"The potatoes are just like Celestia," Discord said.

Celestia lift a brow in irritation. "How so?" she wondered.

"They don't want their 'perfect world' to be ruined. They even have nobles devouring thrice their own body weight in cakes, just like you!"

Celestia tossed a chair at Discord and missed him narrowly. "Why, Celestia. I didn't know you had this kind of side to you."

"I'll show an even more painful side if you do that again."

"What's the matter, sister? Can't deal with a little heckling?" Luna teased.

"Luna is right. You might act all 'Wise and Wisdom' outside, but inside, you're still the same playful filly that tried to stop me during my glorious reign of chaos so long ago." Discord stuck his snake tongue out at Celestia.

"What are they doing now?" Luna wondered.

The tiny pones had stretched their lands towards the mountains and now it seemed as though they were trying to find safer routed through the mountains. Unfortunately, not many made it through, and Luna was starting to tremble with anxiety.

"Quick! Tackle her!" Discord shouted.

The floor tiles rose up and were apparently football players. It was easy enough to explain what happened next, and Luna found herself pinned to the floor and unable to move.

"Oh, we missed it," Discord complained.

"Missed what?" Luna muffled.

"They already found a safer pathway and now the leaders of both sides are fighting between each other to see who goes where first and who gets to hold negotiations. Ah. Now they're literally fighting together. Reminds me of discussions between nobles, only they aren't-there's the chair slam."

Celestia looked at Discord. "My ponies do not use chairs."

"You're right. They use each other. They'll hit a jimmy-rustler with ANOTHER jimmy-rustler."

"No they wouldn't!"

"Yes they would. They really would." Discord nodded.

"I--"

"Hate speeech! They went there directly and they haven't even reached the Enlightenment Period! What a bunch of morons," Discord said.

It did indeed seem like the potato pones and banana pones were starting to slanderize each other simply based on their appearances, and it became clear when both sides had 'young'uns' travel across the mountain ranges to start pranking each other that things wouldn't end well.

"Hmmm. I wonder if they have their own god of chaos..." Discord pondered with a paw on his chin.

He pulled out his right eye and narrowed into a telescope for him to look through, but, unfortunately, no matter how he scoured, he could not find anything. "Now that's a shame," he complained as he slammed his tot-eye pole back into his skull.

"They're going to war," Luna said ambivalently.

Discord was now wearing a baseball referee's uniform. "And it looks like the banana pones have started attacking this ancient fort built into the wall of the mountains, but the potato pones here are from an ancient sect of warriors, and it seems the bananas weren't expecting that and have been kicked out, but not without significant damage to the brick. It would require much repair, but I think it will collapse soon, taking hundreds with it. Banana pones zero; Potato pones one!" Discord pulled on his right horn, making his eyes spin into a zero on the left and a one on the right.

"Even I can't let that happen," Celestia said.

Without hesitation, she rushed forward and used her horn to create a semi-invisible, magical hold on the fort, making some of the monk-warriors there wonder who it was that was helping them. Strangely enough, they were no longer worshiping the weird, bipedal knight thingy that they were during their ancient times. Now it looked a pony with a similar mane-style as the bug from the bananas' belief, but it was on fire. From the sides of its eyes emanated a fiery flame, as did its ankles and the corners of its mouth. It appeared to be a stallion-pegasus, judging by its body shape and wings that resembled cooling magma, if the cracks were any indication. It was fierce but stood firmly on its hooves. It was quite terrifying.

"That must be Celestia. It captures your essence perfectly," Discord laughed.

The solar princess' cheek puffed up with irritation and embarrassment.

Luna looked at Celestia angrily. "I thought you said we weren't supposed to intervene."

"No, I said not to intervene when it is not necessary. This was necessary."

"It was necessary before, too!"

"Less so," Discord corrected.

The war continued with holds being lost and gained. Catapults and various war machines were invented on both sides that rattled each other's lands. It was getting to be so bad that poverty and crime were starting to take over a world that had neither of those...well...at least not poverty. There were just those that were richer than others, but that's it. Finally, an enormous army amassed near the mountain-side on the banana pones side, where shiny bits of potato and banana armor glistened in the sunlight and war machines stood behind all the troops while the flags of the banner-bearers flapped in the gentle winds. Discord brought out a bucket 'o popcorn and passed a second onto Luna who started to eat through it frantically as well while she watched with an eager face. Celestia, however, was appalled at their reaction.

"How could you two act like this?! These are living beings?"

"So? We're essentially 'gods' for them." Discord stood onto the edge of the table and raised his right paw into a fist and shouted dramatically "They must die for our amusement!"

"Plus, this reminds me of a scene from Lord of the Bracelets," Luna added.

Discord pondered for a moment then nodded in agreement."True. I hadn't thought of that."

"Well, if you two aren't going to do anything, I'll use their two gods as avatars."

"Avatars for what?" Luna wondered.

"Watch and see."

Celestia closed her eyes and focused deeply. The entire room started to darken and strange lights rotated along the walls as if they were on a ball made for that. The armies were about charging at each other and about to collide when a notable swirl of thundering storm clouds mixed with Luna's night sky formed above the battlefield, stopping the pones in place. Two balls of light flew down and impacted upon the ground, revealing themselves to be the two deities of both sides. A few skeptics from both sides, and by few I mean hundreds, still charged at the deities, thinking them to be mere trickeries from the other side. That shouldn't have done that, for they were obliterated by a beam of pure heat emanated from the flaming one's mouth while the rest were devoured by swarms of insects come from the insect deity.

Discord whispered into Luna's ear: "Yeesh. I didn't realize Celestia would use municipal powers on them."

"Wh...I don't get it. I feel like you've been trying to make references to things I don't understand today or have just been making bad jokes."

"I'm not having a good day today, okay? My astral alignment is not as it should be!" He started to cry.

"I'm still here. I only made them, like Discord. The difference is that mine have a purpose and will unite them all."

They all watched on as the deities convinced them to all lay down their weapons and join together rather than fight for petty reasons, as far as the three knew.

"Well, this became boring again," Discord pouted.

"You just made two civilizations and you're bored of them? How do you even function?" Luna wondered. She was completely baffles.

"Hey, I'm the God of Chaos! I see a tree, turn it into a monster that fires exploding acorns from its butt, that's my purpose." He turned around in suspicion after his explanation and started to slowly scan the surroundings.

"What's wrong?" Celestia asked.

"I feel like we're being observed for some reason."

"Tara, what the hell is this?"

"It's my idea for a comedy episode on Friendship is Magic, Lauren."

Faust looked at the script, then took her eyes off it and looked at strong. "It's...it's awful."

"But I worked on it for three months!" Tara started to tear up.

"You worked long enough...BUT YOU CERTAINLY DIDN'T WORK HARD ENOUGH!"

Lauren laughed evily with her hands in the air and Tara crying tears of sadness.

...I bet you were expecting Discord to be the controller of that story, but it was me, PSYCHOPATH! WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY! [ゴ

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