Chapters Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 1 - She's working on it
Ponyville, gem of the Equestrian plains, home of the Harmony Six, and pretty much Chaos Central (particularly since the Lord of Chaos, Discord, had moved there) was known for many things, among which Harmony Castle, a huge tree-shaped crystal structure that happens to be the residence of the newest member of the Equestrian Royalty, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and her number one assistant, Spike the Dragon.
Said dragon was currently acting as tour guide to one of his newest friends, a red-scaled, pink-maned dragon named Mina.
"...and this is the Hall of Harmony, where Twilight and her friends answer the calls of the Harmony Map. It's also where we play Oubliettes and Ogres on dead days."
Mina looked in astonishment at the table, where a perfect three-dimensional map of Equestria was projected.
"Red rubies, Spike! It's awesome! I mean, it's as if I could reach over and pick up Canterlot... Also, you know, it looks..." the draconette licked her lips... "...delicious."
Spike looked at here for a moment, then snickered:
"Don't trust the appearances, Mina... The castle pretty much tastes foul. I guess it's a defense against having a dragon living inside."
Continuing the tour, the two passed close to a large, closed door bearimg the complex purple-on-white design that was Princess Twilight's cutie mark. To Mina's confusion, Spike simply moved on, barely giving the doorway a glance. She reached over, tapping her friend's shoulder, and tilted her head towards the door.
"That's Twilight's study. She's working on a project or something... I offered to help her, but when she heard that I was going to have a guest she insisted that I take a day off, and leave everything in her hooves - and Owlowiscious's talons."
"Who?"
"Owlowiscious... you know, Twilight's number two assistant and owl."
"I didn't ask anything!"
Spike looked at his friend, then at the now open door, where an exhausted-looking owl was looking at him in desperation. He had seen that look many times in the past... usually in the mirror, after one of Twilight's "groundbreaking" endeavors.
"Hey, Owlowiscious... How is Twi's latest pet project coming?"
The small owl looked at Spike, then turned around and headbutted the wall.
"THAT bad?"
"Whoo."
Spike looked at Mina apologetically: "Would you mind if I took a moment to help? Apparently, Twilight's work is going pretty much nowhere, and I don't think I could forgive myself if she drove herself crazy. Again."
Mina grinned widely, then grabbed Spike's arm and moved firmly towards the door.
"Mind? Red rubies, I want to help! Sure, this might not be my field of expertise... I'm just a comic store manager... but one head and two hands more never hurted, right?"
Spike simply nodded, and Owlowiscious flew up to perch on her shoulder, nuzzling her affectionately. The trio stepped through the door...
...and right in the middle of what looked like an explosion in a paper mill. What once had been stacks of documents was now a flurry of sheets swirling across the room, while others had been folded into origami swans and sent flying: ink spots were decorating the walls, and a handful of quills were embedded in the bookcase. And, in the middle of the maelstrom, was perfectly visible a very, very frustrated purple alicorn.
Twilight, hearing the door opening, looked up. She looked like something that had been spat out of Tartarus: frazzled hair, wild eyes and a grin that made Spike want to turn and run... the last time he had seen that smile, half of Ponyville had ended up brawling over an old rag doll.
"Oh, hello, Spike! And you must be Mina! Are you having fun? Enjoying the castle? Appreciating the architecture? Admiring the nuances? Inspecting the..."
"Twi, you're having a breakdown. Take a deep breath and tell me what's the problem."
Twilight looked at him with a face just as honest as Flim and Flam's average sales pitch: "What makes you think I'm having a breakdown, Spike? I'm perfectly calm and collected, can't you see?"
Spike, rather than answer, looked with a sardonic expression at the entire collection of desk stationery that once decorated her workplace, and that now was spelling "I hate all of this!" on the wall.
Twilight let out an embarrassed giggle: "...yeah, sorry... it's just that this project is driving me insane! You see, Princess Celestia asked me to assemble some guards... you know, like hers and Luna's. The problem is, I have absolutely no experience with all of this! I have worked on so many possibilities, but none of them seems right!"
Twilight started pacing. Nothing good ever came from her pacing...
"You see, a princess's guards must exemplify her domain... Celestia's are clad in gold, white and grey, to symbolize her link to the sun - always wondered what the deal with the grey is, though - and Luna's troopers look like nocturnal predators, showing her connection to the night... But what could I use that says "friendship"?"
Spike looked at her, then nodded.
"I'd say we take a look at all this, and see what comes out, Twi. The more, the merrier."
He and Mina sat on the floor, starting to pick up and read many of the papers, while Twilight went back to her desk. Owlowiscious, with a sigh of relief (that, unsurprisingly, sounded like "whooo"), went back to his perch.
Hours later, the four were pretty much back at square one; they had checked every idea, every concept Twilight had come up with (Spike was sure that the paper saying "get Cadance to send me the sexy sexy orange guard" in triplicate was when Twilight had snapped), with no result. Spike had been pretty much sure that Twilight was losing it when she asked MINA to send a message... with the result of turning the parchment into ashes.
Suddenly, Mina snapped her head up, away from the paper she was reading.
"I think I got it, your Twilightship! Here's what you overlooked!"
The draconette tapped with a claw the paper, then started reading.
"Bulk Biceps, pegasus. Big MacIntosh Apple, earth pony. Caramel, earth pony. Time Turner, earth pony. Thunderlane, pegasus. Pony. Pony. Pony. Pony. Pony."
Twilight was looking at Mina in utter confusion: "Well, yes... what's your point?"
"My point, your Twilightship, is that maybe you should look at any and all Equestrian citizens! For example, I happen to be a proud citizen of Fillidelphia, and I know of a griffon that is an awesome cook... also, while I was coming here I saw a zebra. Sorry to say it, your Twilightship, but if friendship transcends things like species and origin you're sending the wrong message by only choosing ponies!"
Now, Mina did have a fairly decent idea of how royalty should behave, so she was pretty much caught by surprise when Twilight bounded out from behind the desk and tackled her in a crushing hug.
"That's it! You're right! Why didn't I think of it before! Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you..."
"Twi..."
"Yes, spike?"
"You're choking her."
Embarrassed, the alicorn princess of friendship released the half-suffocated draconette and started pacing again, this time with a triumphant grin on her snout. Her unkempt mane had snapped back in place, and her eyes were glowing. Literally.
"I'll send a message all across Equestria, asking for volunteers! This will be a first, revolutionary attempt, something that will send a message to every creature everywhere! I'll call this guard force... Twilight Sparkle's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force!"
Mina, still dizzy, looked at her friend, with a half grin.
"Name needs work."
The following day, after giving Mina a guided tour of the entire Ponyville - which, of course, included the classic explanation of "it's not you, it's them" after, as usual, the flower trio went into a panic at the mere sight of her - and getting the customary Pinkie Pie "Welcome to Ponyville even if you're only staying a day and sorry for not having more gem based pastries but after the last time we had to rush Derpy to the hospital the authorities forbade us to make any unless it's on explicit order" party, Twilight and Spike escorted the draconette to her train, together with her friends.
As they were waving goodbye, Twilight turned to Spike: "Well, that was fun. Now, we have to send the message I told you about yesterday... although maybe we should see what non-pony races are actual citizens of Equestria. I mean, we know for sure that the Yaks aren't Equestrian, unlike donkeys and diamond dogs..."
"Actually, Twi, diamond dogs aren't equestrian either. They come from the kingdom of Diamondia, in the west. Not a really big place, and pretty much forgettable, but still not Equestrian land. The ones near ponyville are exiles, for all I know."
Twilight swiveled her head around in surprise to look at Rainbow Dash, who was hovering slightly above the others: "How do you know that, Dash?"
"Eh, been there. It was fun."
"Anyway, that's exactly the point! I could simply send a dispatch around Equestria, but what if I forgot some races? I wouldn't want to appear as insensitive, or a hypocrite, or someone who doesn't think things through, or..."
At this point, the crowd on the train platform had started backing off, since most Ponyvillians had learned all too well what happened when their beloved purple princess snapped. Her friends, being more used to her coo-coo moments, simply facehooved. Thankfully, a series of wise regulations posted by Mayor Mare had long made bringing any source of caffeine within thirty miles of Ponyville a criminal offense for that very reason (well, mostly... the other, and more important, reason was Pinkie Pie), but still, even without chemical support, her hyperactive mind was reaching boiling point. Something had to be done. And someone did.
Spike turned to Twilight and asked: "Say, Twi... I've seen Celestia's and Luna's guards... but what do the other guards look like? I mean, there is at least another prince and princess in Equestria that I know of..."
Twilight's thought train skidded to a halt, as her memories were jogged towards a few events in her past...
Princess celestia had been attending day court with her newly acquired Faithful Student, when suddenly the doors had opened. Kibitz, the old, faithful butler and assistant of the princess had stepped in, looking serious and dignified. His eyes, though, were sending a very different message to young Twilight: "Run if you value your sanity, little one. It's too late for me."
After clearing his throat (an action that sounded curiously like *coughsaveyourselvescough*) The old, mustached pony stood to attention and made a proclamation.
"Prince Blueblood, wise *coughBULLcough* member of the Royal Family *coughCelestiahelpuscough* demands an audience with our most beloved ruler, Princess Celestia."
No soon had he made this announcement, the blond Prince had stepped in, literally shoving Kibitz aside: "Why, thank you, old man. Here, have a bit. Buy some lozenges for that cough."
Celestia looked at her self-absorbed nephew as he marched in.
"Hello, Blueblood. What can I do for you today?"
The poncy prince fluffed up, looking as proud as a mother hen: "Oh, Auntie! Just the pony I wanted to see! I finally decided on the look my personal guard must have, had the armor enchanted and everything, and I must say that they look PERFECT! Let me show you!"
Right after Blueblood's word, a platoon of armored guards marched in, as everypony in the room fell into complete, horrified, deafening silence. Never breaking formation, they stood in front of Celestia, standing still in a parade perfect pose.
It was only after a few minutes that the prince's pride gave way to curiosity: "Well, Auntie? What do you think?"
"Blueblood, they... they all look exactly like you!"
"As I said, perfect."
Many years later, in the crystal empire...
"So, honeybunch, what do you think of my new Love Guard uniform concept?"
"Cadance, sweetie... maybe we should stick to the classic Crystal Guard uniform. I mean, it's practical, and our subjects are used to it, maybe we could add a crystal heart motif to the front plate and..."
"Shiny, are you telling me that you don't like my concept?"
"No, it's pretty, it's just that... oh, buck this. Cadance, it's a set of panties and fishnet stockings! Isn't it a bit "in the face" as a love message?"
"Well, maybe you'll change idea after I wear them for you tonight... there will be candlelight, sparkling wine and OH CELESTIA HI THERE TWILIGHT DIDN'T HEAR YOU KNOCKING HOW ARE YOU Shining get rid of that ponnequin CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?"
Twilight toppled over.
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 2 - Talking about it
Princess Twilight Sparkle had been hard at work on her Guard project (pretty much nopony wanted to call it "Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force" - except for Pinkie Pie, because she found it an extremely amusing tongue twister) for a few days. She had sent her project to Celestia and Luna and received their approval, consulted with technical experts from Canterlot, worked on the guard's emblem (to no avail). She even rejected Spike's application for the Force no less than three times.
"But Twilight! Rarity goes nuts for stallions in uniform!" "Spike... Point first, it could be seen as nepotism. Second, it'd be a problem for you to be both a trooper AND my assistant. Third, you're too young."
In the end, she received from Celestia a (quite incomplete) list of non-pony citizens of Equestria, along with what at first she thought was a bit of senility from the aeon old Ruling Princess: a suggestion that she consult the very symbol of multi-ethnicity in Equestria.
Namely, Discord.
So, here she was, sitting in her study, facing what looked like the result of somepony mashing together many different animal themed puzzles and then trying to hide the result under a few layers of paint.
"Gee, it's not as if you're Adonis yourself, buddy."
Twilight looked in utter confusion at the slightly miffed Spirit of Chaos staring at a random angle between the ceiling and the walls: "Um, what?"
"Nevermind, nevermind. So, Celestia told me about your Omnicluttered Multitennis Alabama Defense Force..."
"Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing!"
"That's what I said. And, as fate wills, and even if it doesn't, because who cares, I do have a few suggestions. First, add a word to the name. Something like, say, "Normal". You know, to emphasize the "average joe" nature of the Force. It'd sound well."
Twilight nodded, taking a note with a magically floated quill. "Well, that's sensible. Still, most people tell me to remove terms from the name..."
Then, something clicked in her mind. She stared at Discord's broad grin in irritation.
"Seriously, Discord? Seriously? N.O.M.A.D. Force?"
The serpentine creature winked at her: "But of course! Why, I could even help by enchanting them to blink in and out all over Equestria... possibly controllably, possibly not. Who knows. But it'd be interesting."
Twilight crumpled her note, with a deep sigh. "So much for "sensible". So, what are the other suggestions?"
"Well, as a second suggestion I'd say check with your friends and acquaintances for possible suggestions. I mean, Pinkie and Dash both have griffon pals, Matilda has her bug, Cranky has Steven... the list is potentially endless."
"Where's the trick?"
"The trick is... that there is no trick. I'm Chaos, remember? I don't follow rules, not even my own."
Twilight nodded again. Discord or not, the new suggestion was very, very reasonable. "And the third?"
Discord summoned a chair - well, potentially a chair, since it looked like Rarity's chaise longue had had a forbidden affair with a bubble blower and a stack of old records - and looked at her seriously. Oh boy, this was going to be a doozy.
"Do NOT - and I mean ever - consider me as a possible trooper."
"I wasn't. I mean, you're not the most reliable ally around, after all."
"Thank you. But compliments aside, the reason is that I happen not to be an Equestrian Citizen."
Twilight blinked. That sounded like the rational thing to do, so she did it again, for good measure. "What."
"I happen to be a Badlander. You know, same as Tirek and Scorpan. Used to work for their father, Vorak the Mighty. Swell person, let me tell you. As good as a Centaur will ever be."
Discord pulled out from somewhere a wallet, then opened it to pull out a photo. He handed it delicately, almost affectionately, to Twilight, who looked it over.
In the photo, a tall, regal looking Centaur was holding gently a tiny Gargoyle cub, looking lovingly at a female, tired-looking Gargoyle that was lying in bed, looking at him with eyes that reciprocated all that love. In the background, Discord was blowing raspberries on the belly of a baby Centaur, that was laughing and squirming to escape.
"Uh..."
"Yes, that was me. And the Royal Family. You see, I was part of the Badlander court, and also Tirek and Scorpan's godfather."
To say that Twilight was flabbergasted would be the understatement of the year; she kept shifting her gaze from the photo to Discord's somber expression.
"Well, the cat is finally out of the bag." With those words, Opalescence rolled out of a bag Discord had - somehow - at his never-noticed-before belt and walked out with as much dignity as a miffed feline can muster. "You always wondered why I chose Tirek over Fluttershy, right? Well, it isn't only because of my duty - strange as it sounds - to the Badlander royal crown... it was because while she's friend, he's family. And let's be honest, I was hoping for him to still like his Uncle Discord. And he... and he..."
A single tear rolled from Discord's mismatched eyes. Upwards.
"How could he do that to me, Twilight? Didn't I try to be the best pal a baby centaur could have? What did I do? Where did we go so wrong? Why did you do this to me, Titters? WHY?"
With that, Discord finally broke down, and Spike walked in to the weird scene of an alicorn princess awkwardly trying to cheer up a wailing draconequus.
Later, after sending Discord back home with Fluttershy and a bag of his favorite cookies (more chocolate, more jalapeno peppers, more concrete and JUST a sprinkling of arsenic for accent) and taking care of the newly created Discord River, Twilight began consulting with her friends. Rainbow Dash, while not knowing any equestrian griffons, offered to contact the Wonderbolts for eventual suggestions. Pinkie Pie did, in fact, remember her bakery pal Gustave Le Grand, and Applejack could easily relay a message to the Thunderhooves tribe. Rarity promised to let the voice spread through the fashion grapevine, and Spike wrote a letter to Mina. All in all, a decent start. It was time to start sending the dispatches to all the major Equestrian settlements and protectorates.
The following day, Twilight received a visit: a tall, almost regal looking griffon, with an elegant, thin mustache and a proud plumage.
"Salut, La Princesse! Well met! As you can see, Gustave Le Grand has arrived, and has bientot advice pour vous! Mais, if je ne suis pas imposing, that would have to be, as you would say, in private."
He turned to Spike, with a kind smile. "But let's not say that Gustave is not, as you would say, unreasonable. Here's something for you, jeune dragon, to snack on while I and La Princesse shoot, as they say, ze wind."
With that, he handed Spike a paper bag. Spike opened it with an offended expression that lasted all of six seconds, only to be replaced by a famished, ravenous expression as the content sparkled like the entire crown jewels of Equestria.
"Ah, my sapphire-ruby-diamond beignets have, as they say, hit ze spot, non? Bien sur, jeune dragon... now please, leave nous alone. What I have to reveal to La Princesse is of utmost importance."
Spike left, trying to show offended importance while hiding his desire to tuck in like a deranged parasprite. He failed on all accounts.
After the door was closed, Gustave stared at Twilight, his eagle eyes literally boring through her.
"Before I start, princess, I want your word that everything I say will stay within these walls. No voices, no rumors, nothing."
"You have my word, Gus... wait a moment! What happenned to "La Princesse"?"
Gustave sighed, and his awesome posture seemed to collapse as he relaxed. He looked at Twilight with an amused grin.
"Weird what a few lessons of Prench can do, right? They make you sound exotic, important, interesting. And they make the Canterlot twits buy pastries from Gustave Le Grand... while they would never, ever buy any from plain, old Gus Griffon of Bridleway."
With that, he pulled off what turned out to be a fake mustache, and unruffled his feathers, literally deflating into a smaller griffon.
"Well, now so you know. Just as I know that I can trust you. I do have a debt I'll never be able to repay to your friends, you know, so I'm here to give you some friendly advice."
Twilight looked at him in puzzlement. "You mean the MMMM?"
Gustave smirked. It was surprising how expressive his beak could be. "Ah, peck that sucrose nightmare! I'm talking about my niece. Little ball of feathers, never was able to leave Griffonstone for good. Acts all tough, but she's got a big, big heart. Never been able to fool uncle Gus, she was."
"You mean Gilda?"
"No, I mean the King's Statue. Of course I mean Gilda! Ahem. Sorry. You may have noticed that us griffons have a bit of a temper. Comes from being predators, you see. And that leads us to what I wanted to tell you: when talking to a griffon, watch your words. Griffons have three main components to their upbringing: dignity, pride and, I'm sorry to say, greed. Touch them the wrong way and we blow up like an unicorn smoking in a powderkeg. Old griffon saying, sorry."
Twilight remembered Gilda's reaction to Rainbow Dash's pranks. That definitely made sense. Then she remembered something else Pinkie reported to her...
"Pardon me, Gus... when she last was in Ponyville, Gilda acted, well, like a jerk: frightening some ponies, bullying others, stealing food... That doesn't sound like the way a proud, dignified griffon would act."
Gus winced. "...ouch. That's one trait that Equestrian griffons have been mostly able to get rid of, and Griffonstone griffons haven't yet. Basically, it's atavism."
Twilight blinked in confusion. She didn't expect that. "Atavism?"
"Big word from a baker, isn't it? I happen to be a cultured griffon, princess. Don't let the appearances fool you. Basically, it comes from our eagle" - he spread his wings briefly - "and lion" - his tail swished for a moment - " parts. Basically, they tell us that a griffon must stake a territory, chase off any competitors and gather provisions and needed goods. And that includes other griffons. Why, I remember when I was an apprentice cook I kept chasing off the other apprentices screeching and roaring... Luckily, my master was very, very patient."
"He must have been an exceptional pony!"
"She. And she was. Mon dieu, was she ever... she was gentle, friendly, kind, polite, forthcoming and always, always helpful. She was graceful, beautiful and sublime. She was also married."
Gustave let out a big, deep sigh.
"An old griffon can dream, now can't he?"
Twilight smiled at him. "I can see where you learned to talk to young ones, like you did with Spike."
Gustave smiled back, shaking his head: "No, no... you got it wrong, princess. You see, it's just that, well... aside from being an uncle, I know the only real truth of pastry baking: the adult might pay, but who settles the sale is the child." Gustave seemed to be lost in thought for a moment... " ...and the Princess. Seriously, where does the Lady Celestia put all that stuff? If I ate that much cake I wouldn't be able to walk! Why, I remember a cousin from my youth... he was such a glutton! Ate so much that he couldn't touch the floor. We had to roll him around or use a specially made slingshot to send him across Griffonstone. He was always annoyed at that, even if he never did anything to change the situation. We used to call him the Angry Bird."
In her room at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie felt the sudden impulse to execute a rimshot, and didn't know why. But she did anyway, because it felt reasonable.
After helping her guest put his disguise back and escorting him to the door, Twilight called Spike back to her studio.
"So, Twi... any helpful idea from mr. LeGrand?"
"I think so, Spike. Now, I need you to take a couple of letters for me."
The little dragon pulled out paper and quill: "Ready!"
"Good! Now:
Dear ~~Princess~~ Celestia,
Do you have any book about the culture and behavior of non-pony races in Equestria and beyond? It would help me greatly in my project.
Love,
Your always faithful ex-student
Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Zecora,
I'd like to consult you about the behavior of potential recruits of Zebrican descent.
~~I really don't want to mess up. Spike, remove that.~~
I'd really be grateful for your help.
Your friend,
Twilight Sparkle."
"...Sparkle. Done. I'll send the first now, and ask Owlowiscious to deliver the second."
Twilight smiled, then got out from behind the desk and gave Spike a light hug. "This is it, Spike. Just days from now the first volunteers will show up. The Force is gonna be a reality. NOTHING can go wrong now!"
Back at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie executed a second rimshot.
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 3 - Filling the ranks, day 1
Author's Note
This chapter (and maybe the next) is a bit less about the fun, and more bout introducing the troops. I'll resume doing stupid jokes in a bit. Sorry.
Chapter 3 - Filling the ranks, day 1
A few days had passed, and the news of the new branch of the Equestrian military (and its weird name) had spread like wildfire. Ponies and otherwise had started to gather within Ponyville and right outside it, and with each passing day more and more were arriving. It was time to start the interviews among the potential volunteers.
Of course, that meant that Twilight was having a massive panic attack; her insecurities were having a field day, something that had annoyed even Fluttershy. On the outside, she was stoic and dignified, the perfect portrait of an Equestrian princess, but on the inside she was pretty much breaking down big time. She was regretting the decision of meeting the candidates personally, rather than having them fill some forms. Forms were orderly, forms were rational, forms were complete... She loved forms... Oh well. With a deep sigh, she lighted her horn and sent Spike the signal to send the first candidate in. The door opened... and then closed again.
Twilight looked in utter puzzlement at the door. "Hello?"
tug.
Twilight, feeling the slight tug to her tail, literally shot out of the chair, perching on the desk like a frightened cat.
"Wh-what was that?"
tug, tug.
She turned around, looking at her tail... and saw what was pretty much the personification of adorableness. It looked like a tiny, soft crossbreed of a kitten and a baby bunny, holding a tray of cookies with the paw that was not closed around her tail. Its fur was bright pink, and its eyes were big, shiny and decorated by long, supple eyelashes. Its short, cottony tail was wiggling in excitement, and its nose was twitching just above a tiny, cute smile.
"Er. Are you, um, candidate n. #1, by any chance?"
nod.
"Sorry for asking, but... what are you?"
The kitten-bunny-thingy pulled out from a small backpack a map, with the forest of Leota highlighted, then handed Twilight a pink, glittery book. It was, basically, the story of a race of beings of pure love and friendliness, who lived in a small village right in the middle of the forest. They had lived there for eras, loving and being loved by the beasts of Leota.
Then somepony had shot the changelings right in the middle of the village.
Twilight grimaced. Apparently, the land they had used as a prison for Chrysalis was inhabited. "Er... Sorry, we didn't know about that."
shrug.
"Wait, but... if you were there, why didn't you contact us when we got to the village?"
The little creature pulled out a sheet of paper and a felt tip pen. The changelings. They need us.
Twilight looked at the little creature (a luvcat, according to the book) with a slight frown: "But... wouldn't that endanger your life?"
That's what we are. What we do.
"Oh. Well, back to the original topic... Um, can you talk?"
nod.
"Then, wouldn't it be easier to simply talk, rather than write?"
The luvcat opened its mouth, and no sound came out... but cracks started forming on the crystal walls of the room.
"Ultrasonic frequencies?"
nod.
"Oh. Anyway, your race doesn't seem to have a single violent bone in their body."
That's because we don't.
"Then, why joining a military unit? I mean, the military is supposed to..."
As she was speaking, the little one had been writing fast, as if possessed. He lifted up the paper.
You've been helping. Rescuing. Supporting. Aiding. Your troops probably will do the same. I want in.
Twilight smiled. That was an excellent reason. "Well, I think we'll give it a shot. Welcome to the force, miss..."
For the first time, the luvcat's smile faltered. It started writing again.
Sunlight Kissing The Morning Flowers... but my friend call me Kissy. And I'm a boy.
Twilight blushed. "I... I'm sorry, Kissy. And, again, welcome."
The tiny luvcat hugged her tightly, again smiling, then scampered out.
Well, that had been weird. And embarrassing. Twilight shook her head, with a bemused smile; at least the next candidate would be more normal...
Which only shows that among the many, many powers of the Princess of Friendship there isn't prescience.
Again, there was a knock at the door, and Twilight sat up, trying to strike a dignified pose. And, as the door opened, promptly lost said pose to hide behind her desk.
In her defense, one could say that meeting again with a Centaur in such a short time span wasn't something she expected.
The tall, red and black creature looked at the desk, confused.
"Princess... Sparkle? Hello?"
Twilight peeked out of behind the desk. The huge six-limbed creature in front of her was imposing, sure, but he wasn't Tirek.
"Er, hello. Sorry, I dropped a quill. And I was retrieving it. On the floor. Where it fell. Because that's what one does when quills fall."
The tall creature cracked a half smile, then tilted his head.
"How about I step out and then back in and we resume from the start?"
Twilight smiled back.
"It won't be necessary, mr....?"
"Garmak. My name is Garmak."
Twilight nodded.
"That's a nice name. I couldn't help but notice, though, that..."
Garmak crossed his powerful arms.
"It's cultural. All Centaur names end in K, all Gargoyle names in N, all Gremlin names in T. There's another race whose name ends in D, but you already know him, right?"
Twilight let out a half giggle.
"We could say that, yes. So, mr. Garmak, what makes you think that the Force would be good for you?"
Garmak's smile grew wide: "I like it. Down in the Badlands, YOU are the one good for the army, not otherwise. You'll be a good leader."
Twilight blushed, as Garmak resumed talking.
"Anyway, I moved from the Badlands to Equestria years ago, because... well, let's be honest, the place is a wasteland. I was hoping to find a place where finding food didn't take all day. Equestria is a nice place, and the Earth Ponies like me because if there's something that a Badlander isn't afraid of it's hard work." Garmak frowned. "Then Tirek arrived. He attacked the village I lived in, and robbed the ponies of their magic. I tried to defend them, and that apparently offended him, because he broke my legs. All four of them. Oh, and a few ribs too. Luckily, I got many."
Twilight looked at Garmak, impressed. "That was very brave of you. Not many would dare stand against Tirek alone."
Garmak laughed briefly. "If you call being beaten to a pulp "standing", well, I stood. Even got a medal out of it. The village's mayor personally wanted to pin it to my shirt."
Twilight frowned for a moment: "You have a shirt?"
"I don't. The mayor is almost blind without her glasses."
Twilight winced sympathetically, as she looked the towering figure lift reflexively a hand to his left nipple. "That must have hurt."
"Like you wouldn't believe. Anyway, Tirek literally poured mud on the good name of the Centaurs. I want to clean it up. Am I in?"
Twilight nodded. "You're in."
Garmak reached over with a hand, as if to shake Twilight's hoof... then sharply kneeled, bringing her hoof to his forehead.
"Then from now on I pledge my loyalty eternal to the Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, may she rule forever. My life is hers to take, if she ever wish to, and my arm is her own against any who dare oppose her wisdom."
In the ensuing silence, Garmak looked up to see Twilight look at him, with an expression that was a mix of embarrassed, confused and aghast. He stood up awkwardly, fidgeting.
"I... I don't suppose that the Equestrian military has customs similar to the Centaurs, then?"
Twilight shook her head.
"I... I'll just let myself out, Princess."
She nodded, as the towering Centaur left. One could think that the naturally crimson-skinned centaurs couldn't blush... turns out that they can. It's a muted shade of purple.
After Garmak left, Twilight found herself staring at the door, silently wishing for someone normal to enter. And, sure enough, a solid, firm knocking announced the presence of the next candidate. Twilight quickly returned to her royal stance.
"Come in, please."
The next candidate walked in slowly, her eyes shifting back and forth to examine the room. She was tall, dignified and elegant, muscular enough to hint at years of hard work but still graceful. Apparently, the concept of diamond dogs being clumsy brutes was just a stereotype.
She sat at the chair in front of the desk, without a word.
"Um, hello. So, what's your name?"
The question seemed to startle the diamond dog out of her contemplative state.
"Whu? Oh. Am Lana. You the Princess that makes non-pony guards?"
Twilight nodded, taken a little aback by Lana's abruptness. "Well, it's a bit more complex than that, but yes, basically."
Lana stared at her, appraisingly. "Want to join."
"Do you mind if I ask why?"
The diamond dog shifted to sit more comfortably, then sighed deeply.
"Could say helping pony is dream of my life. Could say being soldier is what I born to do. Could say want to serve pony Princesses. Could say all of this. Would be lying out of my fangs, though. Not that not want help pony or serve, mind. Can do that."
Twilight looked at her, puzzled: "So... why are you telling me all of this?"
Lana sighed. "Diamond Dogs are terrible liars. One not lie in pack, see. So I say the truth. And the truth is, want a place of my own, but need job to do that. If I work for Princess, ponies respect me, so I live easier."
Twilight simply nodded, gesturing for Lana to go ahead.
"Life in pack is not really bad, if one is hard worker. Raise the pups, help dig, get gems, repair carts. Is a living. Problem is, am a female."
Twilight perked an eyebrow. "You mean that they tried to take advantage of you?"
Lana laughed shortly, a rough, barking laugh: "Would like to see them try... Am much bigger than they are. Plus, pack leaders would rip their tails off! No, no... You see, I think of future. Pack is nice, but someday I want have pups. And when do, I want better for pup than hole in ground!"
Lana sighed deeply. "Really miss Diamondia sometimes."
"Why don't you simply go back then?"
"And leave pack behind?" Lana sounded genuinely offended. "Princess, you really not know how Diamond Dogs think, do you? We are pack. We are together. We all go back, or none does."
Twilight frowned. Lana really seemed to mean well, but... She looked hard at the diamond dog lady, who was once more looking around.
"And what if the Force is brought to face Diamond Dogs? What would you do, then?"
Lana closed her eyes, deep in thought. "If not my pack, I do not care. If my pack... Would be forced to challenge Alpha for rulership of pack. Would not like that. Our Alpha is stupid, but I like him."
Twilight shuddered. That was very rational, but more cold-blooded than she expected.
"One last question... why do you keep looking around?"
Lana grinned. There were a lot of fangs in that grin. "Hel-loooo? Diamond Dog, remember? Like crystals. A lot. You have good taste in living place, Princess."
Twilight fell back in her chair, musing. Lana's reasons were pretty solid, and she liked her, but her predator mindset could be a liability. Then again, one of the purposes of the Force was to show togetherness among the races...
"Very well, Lana. You've made your point. Welcome to the Force."
The Diamond Dog leapt up, hugged Twilight and gave her snout a long, wet lick. Then, after a second of awkward pause, released the thoroughly drenched pony and stood back, ears low and tail between her legs. "Am sorry. Diamond Dogs are much more physical when showing feelings."
Twilight smiled. "It's fine. Just go back and join the others."
As Lana was leaving, Twilight snickered. She almost couldn't believe that she had just recruited an extra-large Winona in the Force...
Sadly, the "winning streak" didn't continue as Twilight would have hoped: while there were more candidates that were pretty much perfect, and some that were very promising, other had given solid blows to her faith in the good nature of sapient creatures, from a VERY aggressive young minotaur looking for glory to a snotty unicorn noblepony who expected to be made officer straightaway (never mind that there weren't any official troops yet). In the end, she was going to call it a day, after a prissy actor from Bridleway had almost made her lose her patience (and her lunch) by treating the Force as a publicity stunt. There was only one last candidate on the list, as the knocking on the door confirmed.
"Are you, uh..." Twilight looked at the list " "Nyota"?"
The unicorn's head snapped forward to look at her, then he shook his head hard: "Er, n-no, your Highness. My name is Lost Cause. Nyota is..." he stopped, babbling something in a language Twilight thought she heard before while looking at the corridor again. A graceful, pretty head poked out from behind the doorframe, followed slowly by a striped body colored brown and cream. "...right here."
Hm. Twilight had read about the Okapi, but she never thought she'd see one outside of Zebrica, given how they were known to be very shy and reclusive.
The two walked inside, the okapi looking ready to bolt at the first chance. She was shaking like a leaf, and every now and then pressed against Lost Cause's side for reassurance. Twilight decided to tone down the "princess pose" a bit, otherwise she'd probably run away. Glasses. She needed her reading glasses. Nopony is afraid of ponies with glasses. She looked up again, smiling.
"So, you're Nyota. Let me ask you: what can the Force do for you?"
Nyota looked pretty lost, and turned to Lost Cause, speaking a few word in the language he had used. The two talked for a short while, then Lost Cause looked at the princess.
"She moved with her family to Equestria a while ago. While she enjoys her current work, she wants to do something more for the country that welcomed her."
Twilight frowned: "Does she know any words in Equestrian?"
Nyota lowered her head, then mumbled "Just a little." Twilight couldn't help but notice that the gesture that had accompanied the words was the same Berry Punch used when she ordered "the usual" down at the pub.
Lost Cause looked at Twilight, hopefully: "I've been translating for her, up to now... My special talent is translating, after all." He shifted a little to show his flank, that sported the flags for Prance, Equestria, Griffonstone and Zebrica in a square pattern as a cutie mark.
Twilight stared at the two, her frown deepening: "So, how is she supposed to work with us? I mean, unless you join as well, nopony-and-otherwise will be able to understand her!"
To her surprise, Lost Cause's eyes brightened, an expression of joy illuminating his muzzle: "Would - would that be possible? I mean, I heard that a Zebra lived around Ponyville, and could help, but if I can, if it's possible, er..."
His reaction was somehow familiar, even if she couldn't put her hoof on it. She snickered, then nodded. "Your talent would be very useful, yes. Now, mind if I ask you a few questions?"
Nyota and Lost cause talked briefly, then he spoke: "Feel free to ask, Princess."
"What did you do before you decided to come and join the Force?"
Nyota blushed a little, then mumbled something to Lost Cause, who translated.
"I am a student of sociology and linguistics, and she's an exotic dancer. In Las Pegasus. We met outside her workplace, you see."
Twilight looked at them, puzzled. She had heard that term from her brother, after one of his friends' college shenanigans.
"You mean a..."
Nyota frowned, then spoke two words, in a harsh tone. "Exotic. Dancer."
With that, she closed her eyes and started singing in her mysterious language, taking slow steps that made her flank sway in rhythm with the music. Her movements were harmonious, her voice magnificent. She moved like a leaf in the wind, like a swaying sea of wheat. Then she increased the pace, her steps wild and fiery, her voice imperious and seductive. Swirling, jumping, twisting, her body suggested things that would have forced Twilight to close Spike's eyes, had he been in the room, hinting without revealing, presenting without offering. She was unbelievable.
When she stopped and took a graceful bow, Twilight was blushing enough to illuminate the room. Was THAT the shy, meek creature that stepped in a little ago? Twilight, trying to regain some composure, moved her eyes to Lost Cause, and she finally recognized his expression. He was still, almost unbreathing, his eyes willing to never close again lest he lose a single instant of his wonderful companion's movements... the same face she had seen many time on her dragon assistant whenever he looked on a certain Ponivillian seamstress. Twilight smiled softly, then turned back to the two.
Nyota, once more sitting in front of the desk, was blushing, but her snout had a proud expression. She spoke. "I dance. Very proud of my dance."
Lost Cause stepped to her side, protectively. The two spoke a little more, then he translated.
"She says that she knows that dancing isn't gonna be very useful to the Force, but she still wants to be helpful. And, if you allow me, Princess..."
Twilight lifted a hoof, smiling. "Not a word more. I'm willing to give her a shot. And your talent will be definitely useful. Welcome to the Force."
As the two stepped outside, Twilight couldn't help seeing Nyota's tail wrapping affectionately around Lost Cause's. With a soft smile, she added his name to the list, rolled it up and started to leave.
That had been an interesting ending to an interesting day...
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 4 - Filling the ranks, day 2
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Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 5 - Little unexpected bumps in the road.
The day after the recruitment had been completed should have been a glorious one: handing out the armor, having the troops swear fealty, introducing the Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force to Equestria. All according to the plans and lists that Twilight had lovingly and meticulously worked on.
And that, of course, was why pretty much nopony was surprised when things went sharply south.
The first hint that things weren't going exactly according to the program took the form of a gargantuan belch from Spike, that interrupted their breakfast by draco-mailing a huge bundle of paper right on Twilight's pancakes. When she shook off the surprise and checked it, it turned out to be a bunch of newspapers attached to a couple of letters, one from Celestia and the other, surprisingly, from none other than the Prince of Pansy, Blueblood. Twilight started reading the titles.
" "Princess gathers freak force." "New Princess forsakes pony troopers in favor of bunch of misfits." "Crown Egghead headed towards new disaster." "New Royal Guard a fiasco in the making.". Spike, I don't understand! How could they write this? And how could they do so this fast? I mean, I have barely gathered the troops!"
Spike pointed at the letters. "Maybe there's something in there that can tell you about it?"
Twilight nodded. She floated the letters over, and unrolled Celestia's first.
"Dear Twilight,
sorry for the nasty morning call. I thought that it would be better for you to learn this from me rather than from others. Yes, quite a few Canterlot newspapers- and some from other cities - are spewing bile on your new project. Pay no attention to them; all you have to do is show them that your Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force is at least as reliable as my Day Guard and Luna's Night Troops. Let the facts be your bulwark against the assaults of mendacity. ~~Luna, give Raven back her quill~~. Anyway, my suggestion is to move the oath of fealty a few days forward; I and Luna will attend the ceremony, in order to show our support. Oh, Luna asks if she can bring Tiberius. If there's any problems, feel free to contact us. Still, I believe that there will be no need for that: you've proved your ability time and time again.
Forever your friend, Princess Celestia of Equestria.
P.S. By the way, while I was writing this Blueblood showed up, and asked me to add a message of his own."
Of course, Twilight was about to take Celestia's declaration of trust with the usual aplomb - i.e. by flipping out completely, when Spike pointed at the other letter. Her curiosity keeping the panic at bay, she unrolled the parchment.
"To Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville.
It has been brought to my attention that the mudslingers from Equestria's so-called free press have started denigrating your recent opus. Now, I know that we have been little more than passing acquaintances, but I felt that I had to contact you, to offer you my utter and complete support. Ignore them, Princess Twilight. This Force that you've assembled is a work of beauty in your eyes, a labor of love and trust, of dedication and faith, in yourself, in your subordinates and in the goodwill of the ones who answered your call. They have no right to besmirch it. Please listen to me when I tell you: carry on, and let your Force shine like the diamond you want it to be.
With respect,
Prince Blueblood of Canterlot."
When Twilight put down the letter, there were tears in her and Spike's eyes. Dabbing them with a napkin, she smiled. "That... that was beautiful. I wonder what led Prince Blueblood to be so passionate in his support..."
Many years before...
Princess Celestia was kneeling on the floor of an elegant white bedroom decorated with blue and gold embroidery, her long neck lowered to let her look under the bed.
"Blueblood, come out from under that. Please? Blueblood, I got waffles with jam here. Your favorites!"
In response, an inelegant wailing came out from the small space.
"Why don't they like my Guard, auntie? Is it the armor? Did I use too much glitter? They insulted it, auntie! They called them ridiculous! Can't they see how much I've worked to make them perfect? Can't they appreciate that? When was the last time somepony cleaned under here? It's not fair, I tell you! Not fair at all!"
"Blueblood, come out and I'll let you ride my chariot."
"...can I do a few loops?"
After finishing breakfast ("because a Princess doesn't skip the most important meal of the day!"), Twilight and Spike were about to leave the castle, when they noticed two figures in the entrance hall, a pearl-white unicorn with an elegantly styled mane and a powerfully built griffin. Well, Spike only noticed the first one. As he drifted towards the mare of his dreams, Rarity turned to look at Twilight.
"Twilight, darling, I'm afraid that we have bad news for you."
"You don't say. What is it? A petition to disband the Force? My brother showing up to point and laugh?"
"What? Oh, no, no, Twilight, nothing like that! You see, today I was out for some shopping, and I met dear Sargeant Stormwreaker here. Her adorable little cub was playing with Sweetie Belle - they were all dusty, but foals will be foals, as they say - so I decided to stop and chat a little, and the discussion moved to the topic of the traditional Guard Outfit; you know, the gleaming armor, the majestic helmet, all the gorgeous details that make a guard so delightful to look at. So, well, I asked her if I could have a preview of how your Force would look in full armor."
Stormwreaker nodded, smiling at Rarity. It was quite obvious that the fashionista's observation about George had touched her mother's pride the right way.
"Well, Your Highness, I told her that I wasn't a sargeant anymore, but that sounded like a reasonable request, not to mention that I was kind of curious myself, so we gathered the others and decided to try them on. Let me tell you, Your Highness... that was a stroke of luck."
"Why?"
"I'll be honest, Your Highness: it's a disaster."
Twilight looked at the griffon incredulously: "But... but that's not possible! The armor is enchanted to adapt flawlessly to the average pony."
Rarity and Stormwreaker nodded, then spoke as one: "Exactly."
"What do you mean?"
Stormwreaker took a step to the side and opened the door. "Look for yourself, Your Highness."
Twilight, still confused, stepped out of the castle... and right into what looked like a clown act.
Right next to the castle's steps, a wobbling helmet was wandering blindly around, a pair of tiny paws betraying the presence of Kissy under it; the Ring Brothers were trying in vain to move under the weight of armor thrice their size; Garmak, Rutgerd and Leaf were struggling to force on what to them were doll-sized outfits, and the even larger Sera and Steady Ascent were basically trying not to look ridiculous while balancing helmets and armors on their back. Even Nyota and Lana had found that their armor wouldn't fit creatures with two horns or a bipedal stance.
In short, the only ones who had managed to wear the armor without looking stupid were Lost Cause and four other pony troopers.
Twilight fought the need to facehoof, then turned to Rarity. "I'm sorry to impose, Rarity, but could you find the time to put together an uniform for my Force?"
From the look on the face of Ponyville's resident fashion diva, one could have thought that Hearth's Warming had come earlier. "Me? You want ME to create the outfit that will be shown all over Equestria's media? Um, not that I wouldn't do it anyway, mind you, but yes, yes I will do it! And it will be gorgeous!"
As Rarity shot off to her atelier, Twilight turned to Stormwreaker. "Please go after her, and try to keep her design, well, practical. Rarity is a sweet mare, but her artistic vein sometimes makes her... extravagant."
The griffoness simply nodded and took wing. As she left, Twilight used a small flare spell to attract the attention of the still struggling troopers (Garmak had to lift the helmet off Kissy for him to see it), then turned to face them.
"Ladies and gentlebeings, it's pretty clear that the armor isn't working. Luckily, one of my friends has kindly offered to create an uniform for you: therefore, I'd like you to get rid of what you're wearing and move to Carousel Boutique, in order for her to take your measurements."
One of the armored ponies raised her hoof. "Forgive me, Your Highness, but... Does this apply to us as well?"
Twilight nodded. "Yes, um... Background Pony, is it? The idea of an uniform is to express togetherness, and having five ponies in a different outfit kind of defies the message."
Spike turned to her, cocking an eyebrow. "Background Pony?"
"That's one of the five ponies that I found acceptable for the Force. The others are Lost Cause, Window Dressing, Walk-in Role and Utterly Irrelevant."
Spike shook his head. "Sometimes parents can be VERY cruel..."
Twilight simply nodded, then they rushed off to join the departing troops.
Much later, after a few easy measurement checks and some much harder discussions between Rarity and Stormwreaker about what the uniforms should look like, Twilight decided to invite the troops to dinner, courtesy of the Apple family (with a little help from the Royal Treasury), in order to help them bond. Surprisingly, that worked just fine. George and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were playing happily together, and the food was plentiful and delicious. Granny Smith even fished out a couple of barrels of Apple Family Cider.
In return, the Ring Brothers decided to improvise a performance to show their appreciation: working with the few improvised tools available, the triplets started an endless series of stunts, balancing on Granny Smith's rocking chair while in a three-pony reverse pyramid, juggling an increasing number of dangerous items, swapping places in a flash, all that and more. It was clear to everypony that their talent wasn't just bragging material.
Twilight was enjoying the show, seated between Rarity and Stormwreaker, when she felt an ominous presence looming over her. She turned around, and noticed that Garmak was standing behind her, holding a large backpack.
"A word, if I may, ladies."
With a curt nod, the three shifted to make space for the centaur. Garmak placed the pack carefully on the table.
"Today, while I was getting measured for the uniform, I looked at the various ideas that you devised. While I must say that I'm impressed, I noticed that they were missing an element the traditional Equestrian Armor has: that is, a protective layer. Now, if you'll forgive my boldness, I wanted to show you something that could, possibly, inspire you."
With those words, the centaur slid out of the backpack what looked like a russet breastplate. Stormwreaker looked it over carefully, interested.
"Hm. Solid plates to cover the chest and back, connected by a chainmail net. Shoulder pads, and an underlying hemp shirt. Simple, but efficient. I didn't think you were a fellow soldier, Garmak."
"I wasn't. I've been a farmer all my life."
"Then why...?"
"The Badlands aren't called that way because of their looks, you know. A farmer has to defend himself and his crops from any kind of horror, up to and including the Desert Weevils. If we're not careful, our crops are gone in a blink."
Twilight mulled over the centaur's words. "But... if the Desert Weevils eat all your crops, what do you eat?"
Garmak shrugged: "Desert Weevils, of course. Roasted, they're delicious."
Rarity, trying to hide a sudden wave of disgust, started examining the armor closely. "This doesn't look like metal. It's light, but solid and slightly flexible. Also, the color is natural. Could you tell me what it is made of?"
Garmak grinned. "That's the good thing with Desert Weevils... you don't throw away ANYTHING."
Rarity smiled weakly to the powerful centaur. "How... delightful. Now, if you'll excuse me... Applejack! Applejack, dear? Mind if I use the bathroom for a moment? I need to boil my hooves..."
Twilight giggled. Rarity's quirks were always funny. She turned again to look at the centaur, and couldn't help but notice his chiseled physique: muscles toned by years of hard and honest work, powerful arms and legs. Even his eyes, an exotic white on black, were deep and enthralling. She smiled, and leaned toward him. Funny, the table felt wobbly. Maybe she should have told Applejack. But now, she had to tell Garmak how she felt.
"Garmak. Gaaaarmak. Garmak." It was kinda funny. Funny like Rarity, and the table. She said it again, for good measure. "Garrrrrmak. You're very red. Did you know that?"
The centaur frowned. Silly. Why frown, when she was feeling so good? She poked him in the chest. "Stop. Stop frowning. I'm the Printest, and I tell you to stop frowning." She giggled again.
A sound of galloping hooves interrupted her. How rude. She turned to tell something to the rude pony, and found herself staring at Big MacIntosh. The large workpony was looking very, very alarmed. That was silly. There was a printest right here, who could solve anything. Maybe Twilight could find her and ask for help. For now, she had to say something. "See, Garmak? Big MacIntosh here is red too. Are all the red ponies all muscly and strong? You're all so red. But I like orange more. There's a cute orange stallion I'd like to snuggle with. But he's far away. Bleh."
Big MacIntosh turned to look at the griffon. What was her name? Oh, right. Glinda. Glinda the good beak. Maybe she'd be her fairy godgriffon?
"Ma'am... Granny had me bring up a couple barrels of our HARD cider by mistake! Can you tell me how many mugs did the Princess have?"
Glinda lifted three talons. It wasn't fair. She could do stuff with talons. Talons. Maybe she could cast a spell to turn into her mirror self thingy. The humus. Humuses had talons. They called them fingers and used them to fing stuff. Twilight giggled. She felt so tired... Maybe a nap would help. Kissy was already napping near to his mug. Kissy. Cute kitty thingy. And she had been so bad to him. She should have slapped Chrysantemum... Chips... the ugly bug thingy until she gave the kitty thingies their land back. They were nice, and she wasn't. She'd make everything right again. Because she was the printest.
With those wise thoughts, Twilight slowly floated Kissy next to her, hugged the Luvcat and fell asleep.
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 6 - The Force is born
It was a nice, warm day at Sweet Apple Acres. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, Winona was barking at a squirrel and somehow a convention of blacksmiths had forced its way inside Princess Twilight Sparkle's skull. She opened her eyes, getting ready to cast a silence spell on all the awful noise around her, then changed her mind when the slightest flow of magic through her horn persuaded the blacksmiths to hire a brass band and some drummers. A gentle hoof poked slightly her side, and she looked up to see a familiar, kind striped snout.
"Zzzeckora?"
The zebra simply smiled and pushed a steaming cup in Twilight's direction.
"Don't try to talk, and do stay still/drink this warm brew to cure your ills."
Good ol' Zecora. Always at hand, ready to help and... twilight took a sip... and, apparently, to poison her with the most vile tasting concoction Twilight had ever had the misfortune to drink. Weirdly enough, the blacksmiths seemed to agree, because they decided to move to some other place, taking the musicians with them. With a sigh, Twilight started to drink in earnest.
Taking a short pause from coating her mouth with disgust-in-a-cup, Twilight looked around. She was in Applejack's barn, apparently, and around her were all her friends and the entirety of the future troopers. Kissy was forcing down a cup of something that, according to his grimace, was the same swill she was having, and the others were gathered around Spike, that was reading a newspaper. Oh no. Twilight stood up, her hangover apparently gone, and walked to her little draconic assistant.
"On a scale of one to ten, Spike, how much did we mess up this time?"
Spike grinned, then slid a few newspapers in her direction. "I'd say zero, Twi. Apparently, the forces of the press have been defeated by the joint efforts of Princess Celestia, Fancy Pants and Granny Smith. Turns out that Sir Pants has quite a few contacts in the media industry."
Twilight nodded. "Well, at least this time we... Granny Smith?"
Next to her, the ancient matriarch of the Apple Clan let out a happy guffaw, holding up one of the newspapers for her to see. "Ah messed it up las' night, ah made it better today. The Apples always take responsibility fer their mistakes."
Twilight read the headlines: "Crazy old mare chases around journalists - why such hostility?" Twilight smiled, then gave Granny a tight hug. "Thank you, Granny. I only wish this didn't soil your reputation..."
The old mare hugged twilight in kind, with a big, warm grin. "Ah, don' worry, young'un. Three hunnerd years old an' kickin', think ah haven't had mah share of badmouthin'?"
Spike nodded, then pointed at the other papers. "Granny's niceness got us enough time and forewarning to present a good front, Twi. That, and the fact that these reporters were of a much better kind than the last ones, helped us get through this wave of news almost unscathed. Look!"
Twilight started reading. The Canterlot Tribune showed a picture of the largest members of the Force tucking in Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, with Sera towering protectively over them. The headline was "Troopers-to-be offer assistance to indisposed national heroines". The headline of the Manehattan Gazette, on the other hoof, was simply "HNNNNNNNNG!": the photo below showed Twilight with Kissy in her forelegs, George resting his head against her belly and the Cutie Mark Crusaders using her as an extra large pillow. Sweetie Belle resting on her head was particularly adorable. Twilight gave a quick glance at the other papers: pretty much all the headlines were positive.
"Well, that's a relief.... wait a moment. Did you say "almost" unscathed? What do you mean with..."
Twilight's question was interrupted by an outraged scream that made the last of the blacksmiths run back in, give a final hammer blow and rush off again. She turned to look at the source of the noise... and saw Rainbow Dash, pale enough to look like a rainbow maned relative of Rarity, holding up a copy of the Cloudsdale Bugle.
"What the hay? What... I don't even... How can it... I haven't..."
As the pegasus kept sputtering in utter indignation, Twilight moved closer to read what had bewildered her fast-flying friend.
"Beauty and the Beast? - Renowned Wonderbolt candidate and Equestrian heroine Rainbow Dash surprised in the loving embrace of foreign trooper. Is romance in the air for the rainbow speedster?" The photo below showed Dash curled asleep, cat-like, in the powerful arms of Garmak.
The massive centaur was looking rather embarrassed. "I... I'm sorry, princess. Miss Dash was in pretty bad shape - five mugs to your three - and I was trying to carry her to a place where she could rest comfortably. I didn't notice the photographer until it was too late."
Of course, Dash was pretty much livid. "Oh, stick a fork in me, I'm done! My reputation is shot to Tartarus! What is Spitfire going to say now?"
"Something like "Ask him if he's got a brother.", possibly."
Everyone in the barn turned toward the skylight, where a familiar yellow pegasus with a flame-like mane and a blue uniform with golden trims was grinning openly at Rainbow Dash. Dash let out a pitiful yowl and darted at supersonic speed out of the closest open window. As she was shooting towards parts unknown, Spitfire glided gracefully in front of Twilight.
"Sorry for showing up unannounced, Princess. I was told about your project, and decided to offer my services as a military consultant. Messing with Dash was just a side benefit. I know that you already have one, and I mean no disrespect to my esteemed griffish colleague" Spitfire nodded politely to Stormwreaker, who replied in kind " but better safe than sorry, right?"
Twilight seemed to be lost in thought for a while, then she shook her head. "My apologies, Commander Spitfire, but we have to do this on our own. The eyes of all of Equestria are upon us, and even a small act like getting help from one of the most competent officers in the Equestrian army could be seen as a sign of weakness. And I believe that you can plainly see how this could turn against us. The last thing we need is digging ourself even deeper."
Spitfire nodded sagely, then snapped to attention and saluted.
"I understand perfectly, Your Highness. Sargeant Stormwreaker, I'll leave the counseling of Princess Twilight to your capable talons. Good luck."
After saying that, she quickly took wing and departed. The troopers looked at Twilight approvingly, except for Lana, who appeared really confused.
"What's so wrong in digging yourself deeper?"
Oh, right. Diamond Dog.
After clarifying the metaphor to the canine trooper, and receiving a short explanation of Diamondian metaphors in return (apparently, the Diamondian equivalent was "pulling off a gallery's supports") the princess, her friends and the troopers started planning what still needed to be done before the oath swearing ceremony.
And so, the preparations began.
Garmak offered his support to Rarity in the creation of the uniforms, followed shortly by Lana and fluttershy: the utilitarian armor favored by the centaurs meshed well with Rarity's ideas, and the fashion mare found that nimble fingers and talented wing feathers were pretty much invaluable with large amounts of work. Of course, the Weevil Plates had to be replaced with metal, due to the difficulty of importing them from the Badlands.
In the meanwhile, Acting Sargeant Stormwreaker had been giving basic training to the Force, meeting various small problems, from Lost Cause and Sera losing their glasses all the time (solved by Ponyville's resident eccentric genius, "Doc" Time Turner, by reworking the glasses into Wonderbolt-style goggles) to the more obvious matter of size difference (Kissy, at full sprint, was barely able to keep up with the immense stride of Steady Ascent or the bounding gait of Nyota, and the Ring triplets weren't faring much better).
The population of Ponyville was fast to lend a helping hoof where needed, as usual: from the Apples raising housings for the troops (after rebuilding their barn so many times, it came pretty much natural) to Cheerilee admitting George to her classes and helping Pinkie with "griffon babysitting duty", to Cranky Doodle Donkey volunteering his and Steven's help for heavy work. It was pretty clear that the Ponyvillians had adopted Twilight's troops just like they had done with the princess-to-be many years before. The fact that the troops were always ready to break formation and help where needed didn't hurt either.
All in all, however, things were proceding at a steady pace, despite Twilight's growing worries, and in the end the Princess of Friendship felt that they were ready to hold the oath swearing ceremony. Just to be sure, she left for Canterlot to consult one last time with Princess Celestia, and possibly give her and Luna their invitations personally. In the meantime, the others kept working to make sure that the day of the ceremony would be perfect.
And yet, that night Twilight didn't come back. In her place, Spike received a letter via dragon breath:
"Spike, I'll be home tomorrow afternoon. Please ask Acting Sargeant Stormwreaker to gather the Force in front of the barracks. I need to tell them something. Twilight."
The content of the letter had the troops on their toes - or equivalent body part. Rumors ran back and forth, becoming more and more outlandish with every passage.
Celestia had decided to pull the plug on the Force.
Luna had decided to take over the force.
DERPY had decided to take over the force.
The Sisters had decided to replace the uniforms with Pinkie Pie's mascot costumes.
Queen Chrysalis had been hired to provide entertainment for the ceremony.
TIREK had been hired to provide entertainment.
Twilight had been replaced by an evil potato.
By the time Twilight appeared at the door, the troops were betting on who would get closest. Twilight looked at her troops with an expression of serious determination, and was about to talk, when Spike interrupted.
"Um, so, Twilight... unless Princess Celestia is going to hand the Force to Derpy and Luna, who are you and your potato twin going to dance with first at the ceremony, Chrysalis or Tirek?"
The determination on Twilight's face excused itself and tagged in her replacement, utter bewilderment.
"What."
After a short explanation, and an equally short laugh, Twilight sat down, her determination back in place.
"Actually, it's nothing like that. I got good news and bad news. The good news are that the princesses have accepted the invitation, and so have the ambassadors of pretty much every single non-pony nation: the Badlands, Griffonstone, Yakyakistan, Diamondia, Thicket, all those and more. There's also gonna be a lot of famous personalities, pony and not. I hope that you don't suffer from stage fright."
If the loud thud of a fainting draconess was any hint, some of them sure did. After Sera recovered, Twilight resumed speaking.
"The BAD news are that I finally found out how the press caught wind of the Force so fast. According to Sir Fancy Pants, a few noblemen and higher ups in Canterlot think that my project is mocking the glorious traditions of the Equestrian Army, and pulled all the strings they could to ridicule us at every possible occasion, and in three days, at the ceremony, the reporters will literally swarm the area, trying to, and I quote, "turn the ceremony into a circus act". Anyone who wants to pull out can do so; I'll do my best to minimize the damage, even if, I'm sorry to admit, I'm out of ideas."
A dreadful silence followed Twilight's words. She looked at the Force - HER Force, as she had grown to think of them - and saw them frozen in place, their expressions stony and unreadable. Then, she noticed something: Sera's eyes, behind her goggles, were twitching, and smoke had started to trickle out of her nostrils. Slowly the draconess's snout curved into a snarl uncovering a frightening amount of fangs.
"THOSE SONS OF A B... " Sera's eyes flitted quickly to Lana "...BBBASTARD! We've been here for weeks, busting our chops to prove ourselves worthy of Equestria, and they... "
Like a dam breaking, Sera's outburst triggered an avalanche of insults, curses and threats from every single creature in the building: even little Kissy was writing on a small blackboard that he was planning NOT to give those ponies any cookies when they showed up (for a Luvcat, that was pretty much unbridled hostility). What was pretty noticeable, though, was that Acting Sargeant Stormwreaker was not emitting a single sound, even if her eyes literally radiated enough fury to set the air on fire. Then, suddenly, she roared.
After her powerful vocal blast had brought everyone's attention on her, Stormwreaker cleared her throat, then motioned for the others to come closer. After the troops (plus one princess and baby dragon) did so, she looked around and smiled: what initially was a nice smile slowly spread into the horrible grin usually associated with green gremlins trying to steal Hearth's Warming or clown-faced criminals. Everyone took a step backwards.
"Gentlebeings, I'm afraid that you're looking at the situation from the wrong point of view. People of such a calibre need a response of a comparable calibre. They want a circus, right? Well, I say we give them a circus. Now, here's my idea..."
The following day, the entire Force had vanished. When questioned, the citizens of Ponyville gave helpful, detailed directions that sent the reporters on a wild goose chase that led them to the most unpleasant locations in town, from the manure storage area to Discord's house. They were offered Pinkie's Windingo Ghost Pepper cupcakes, left to the tender care of Bulk Biceps and offered a front seat for a demonstration of Time Turner's most dangerous experiments. By nightfall, most reporters had decided to actually wait for the ceremony; those who didn't want to wait stopped relying on the locals and actually started searching the area - until Zecora brought a couple of them back from the Everfree covered in Poison Joke pollen.
Finally, three days later, the day of the ceremony arrived. The area designated for the audience was literally crowded with guests of many races, origins and social status, and, while most of the "canterlot elite" was trying to stay on one side and show an air of superiority, many others didn't give a flip and mingled happily: the Troll guest ("ambassador" was too long a word for the huge, friendly dimwits) was playing with the foals, the Zebrican ambassador was chatting with Zecora in their native language, and even the mysterious mimickers had sent a representative (as the minotaur ambassador found out when he tried to sit on what he believed to be a chair). The changelings, of course, didn't send anyone. Probably.
The Royals of Equestria had already taken place on the podium, to the sides of the seat reserved for Princess Twilight Sparkle: Celestia, Luna and Blueblood to the left, and Cadance and Shining Armor to the right. With them, of course, were Twilight's friends and fellow Harmony Bearers, plus Spike.
After a short while, Twilight trotted out of a side road and moved towards the podium. As she moved past the crowd, an old unicorn stepped forward from the area occupied by the Canterlot nobles. His face was very serious, but his eyes betrayed a mix of anger and disgust.
"A word, if I may, princess."
Twilight smiled kindly at the old stallion. "Sure, what can I do for you?"
"I'd say that you could stop this travesty, but you wouldn't listen. Be warned, though: by the end of the day, everypony will know exactly the true value of your so-called Force."
Twilight's smile only grew wider, as she patted him kindly on the cheek. "On that at least we agree, sir." Then she resumed walking and got to her place.
The crowd was growing restless, and there was no trace of the troopers; and still, Twilight kept smiling. Then, suddenly, she turned towards the road leading to the open area where the ceremony would take place and released a powerful flare spell: in response, from far in the road an incredibly tall figure started closing in at a gallop. The pegasi could see Steady Ascent, the giraffe, and a much smaller figure nestled between her horns - Kissy, the tiny luvcat. After a few impossibly long steps, the minuscule creature turned and cut loose what at first had looked like a hood for the uniform they were both wearing, and it quickly unfolded, revealing itself as the Equestrian flag, tied to the giraffe's long neck like a living flagpole.
Then, as if out of nowhere, the galloping figures multiplied: now, keeping pace with the Steady Ascent, were Rutgerd and Leaf, the Force's powerhouses, and right in front of the giraffe was galloping the towering Garmak, the centaur, holding a huge centaur halberd with a second flag bearing Twilight Sparkle's cutie mark. And, just like the giraffe, all of them had riders: Lana the diamond dog was standing on Garmak's back, holding on to his horns, and on Rutgerd and Leaf were Trapeze and Shadow Mirror, the midget ponies, in a perfect stance of full attention.
After a few moments, right out of the dust lifted by the bovine titans came Nyota, Lost Cause, Background Pony, Walk-In Role and Utterly Irrelevant, joining the others in a perfect formation, that they kept until they reached the gathering area.
Twilight nodded, then held up a hoof to signal that it wasn't over and shot a second flare: the signal was answered by a titanic shape coming out of the cloud cover a short distance away. Sera, the draconess, broke out of her dive and leveled, and at that moment three shapes released their grips on her wings and back and moved to a diamond shaped flying formation, Stormwreaker and Window Dressing executing mirrored aileron rolls and Baton doing a full loop to take the tail position; then they did a second synchronized loop, inverting their positions in the formation, and landed. The completion of the formation was announced by a crown of fireworks, that filled the air above them with multicolored smoke.
For a few moments, the crowd was frozen into stunned silence, then an applause started from somewhere in their middle and quickly spread until it turned into a true standing ovation. Weird thing is, the one who started it had been one of the paparazzi.
The noble who had spoken with Twilight was shooting withering stares to all the ones who were applauding (whose number included, sadly for him, even some of his entourage), when he heard a voice from close to him: "A word, if I may?"
He turned, snarling... and found himself facing an old, balding orange earth pony with a dual-colored mask cutie mark and an azure unicorn mare with a purple cape and matching hat. The old pony gave him a friendly, paternal smile and spoke.
"You, my friend, did a couple of dreadful mistakes, I'm afraid: The first, of course, was challenging a national heroine known for her creativity and her hoof-picked troops - on her own territory, no less. The other, well..."
The mare grinned: "The other is that you used "circus" in your threats as if it were something bad or to be ashamed of."
The old pony nodded, turning his kind smile to the mare. "Well said, my dear. And now, it's time to go back to our seats and enjoy the ceremony." Having said that, the two left to meld into the crowd once more, leaving the frustrated noble to fume and sputter in anger.
The troops were now standing stock still, in a perfect pose of attention, giving the audience a perfect sight of their matching uniforms: purple shirts with silver embroidery and a shoulder patch showing Twilight Sparkle's starburst. Two of them, however, were also wearing an armor made of interlinked plate and chainmail, likewise painted purple: Stormwreaker and Garmak.
Twilight looked at them approvingly, then stood up and raised a hoof to request a moment of silence. She cleared her throat, then addressed the troops.
"Please, repeat after me: we, citizens of Equestria and chosen troops of the Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force, swear to from now on do our utmost to protect and uphold the values of Harmony, of friendship, and the innocent people of our fair country!"
The troopers repeated as requested (although Lana had to confirm that Kissy had effectively done so, since she was the only one that could hear his ultrasonic voice).
"Then, as a Princess of Equestria, I accept your oath: serve your country well!"
Having said that, Twilight saluted, and the Force replied in kind. And the crowd cheered once more.
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
Chapter 7 - And afterwards...
The ceremony had been over for a while, and the unavoidable "after oath party" had just run out of steam - aside from the unstoppable Pinkie Pie herself, that is: to everypony's horror, some idiot from Manehattan had slipped her chocolate covered coffee beans, and that meant that she'd be supercharged for a few more hours.
The troops had retired to the barracks, and now Twilight had asked Celestia and Luna to join them (and her) for a second part of the ceremony, something that didn't necessarily involve the currently dozing crowd that had attended the swearing of the oath - and that she was keeping irritatingly secret. Apparently, Celestia had taught her well. The Royal Sisters gladly joined her, and the trio (plus Spike, who was carrying a pillow covered with a cloth) moved to where the Force currently was, after making a short stop to ask the Troll guest to stop brushing Shining Armor (Cadance, being incapacitated by laughter, was of no help whatsoever).
The building that Twilight led her guests to was a bit weird, a combination of standard military barracks and a barn, that had been affectionately nicknamed by the town pegasi "the air strip" for its resemblance to an airship hangar; funnily enough, the blueprints for it had come not from any of the pegasi, but rather from the town's resident Earth Pony flight enthusiast, Cherry Berry.
Twilight got to the smaller door (no need to use the hangar one, since the only dragon in her current group came in petite size), assumed a posture of utter dignity and knocked - and was consequently the victim of a drive-by pomfing: a pillow thrown with spectacular force and precision got her straight on the face. Lost Cause, with a wide grin, peered out of the door and shouted "Gotcha!" only to freeze in horror when he realized WHO he had actually "got".
From down the road, Garmak and Lana, carrying large bags of provisions, calmly strolled to the door, bowing respectfully to the princesses before entering. As they stepped in, Celestia could clearly hear the tall centaur say to his canine teammate "And THAT is why I told you to wait before getting back."
Princess Celestia looked inside the main hall of the barracks, seeing a bunch of embarrassed troopers, the rest of the (equally embarrassed) Harmony Six and what looked like the remains of either an indoors hurricane or the best pillow fight in years. Probably the second, although given the presence of at least two pegasi the first idea could be a possibility as well. Then she noticed Rainbow Dash frozen in the act of loading two pillows in the nostrils of the resident draconess, whose head was stuck into a doorway connecting the building to her oversized living area. Nope, definitely the second.
After Twilight recovered, the Princesses (plus dragon) stepped in, and Twilight, trying to act like nothing had happenned, turned to Princess Celestia, smiling.
"Princess, I'd like to introduce to you the members of my Omnicultural Multi-ethnic..."
And was subsequently re-pomfed by a couple of sneezed pillows.
Sera sniffled. Apparently, while quick exhalations to play living cannon were fine, two pillows stuck in her nose were awfully ticklish. "Sorry. "
Twilight stood back up with a groan, and raised a magic shield. Once was fine, twice could happen, three times would be ridiculous.
"As I was saying, I would like to introduce to you my Force."
As the troopers bowed politely (and with great difficulty in Sera's case) , Celestia nodded in acknowledgement.
"Before you start, Twilight, do you mind if I ask HOW did you do that "troops appearing out of nowhere" trick? I couldn't perceive any magic!"
Shadow Mirror stepped forward, with a deep and respectful bow. "That, Your Majesty, was because there was absolutely no magic in that. We were hiding in holes in the road, under camouflage tinted sheets, and used the distraction caused by the flag unrolling to quickly spring out."
Celestia looked at him, confused "I didn't know of any holes in the road..."
The midget artist grinned: "We made them, Your Majesty. That's one advantage of having a Diamond Dog among us. Of course, the big problem was that Rutgerd and Leaf had to plug them with their bodies until the time was right... had anypony fallen in, the trick would have been for naught."
Celestia nodded. "And the pony troopers - and the okapi?"
"Hidden in the crowd, Your Majesty. With all the dust raised by our titanic teammates, joining the rest of us was simplicity itself. Of course, their special talents helped..."
Twilight smiled, then pointed to the five ponies: "I guess that's my cue to start the introductions. Princess Celestia, let me introduce to you Utterly Irrelevant, formerly of the Royal Society of Ornithology."
The tall, lanky unicorn stepped forward. "My special talent, Your Majesty, is being unnoticeable where needed. If the wary Diomedea Exulans can't spot me, neither can a pony."
Twilight nodded. "And now, here's Background Pony, former Private Investigator in Manehattan."
The calm, athletic looking earth pony mare took a bow. "I'm good at not standing out in a crowd, Your Majesty."
"This one is Walk-In Role, once member of the Glitz Theatre Company of Bridleway."
The grey earth pony stallion took a VERY deep bow. "I've always been part of group scenes and background actions, Your Majesty. I'm trained at never, ever, ever attracting more attention to myself than needed."
"And, of course, here is one of my inseparable couples, Lost Cause..."
Twilight was interrupted by Rainbow Dash's voice "Don't you mean Loose Pillow, Twi?"
Shooting her witty friend a harsh stare, Twilight continued: "...Lost Cause and Nyota."
The two bowed politely. "I'm a linguist, and Nyota is a dancer."
Luna raised an eyebrow: "Wait! What tomfoolery is this? Neither of your talents has anything to do with hiding!"
Lost Cause turned his head slightly to hide his blushing. "We... we knew that most ponies won't pay much attention to a couple making out. Of course, we tried to keep within the limits of decency..."
Nyota smiled tenderly and raised her hoof, gently caressing Lost Cause's cheek. "[Ponies have long, wide, dexterous tongues. I loved this, my sweet one.]"
Celestia tapped slightly a hoof, then spoke. "[I'm sorry for not telling you earlier, but I speak perfect Zebrican, and so does my sister.]"
At those words, Nyota let out a squeak that would have made Fluttershy proud, blushed brightly and hid under the closest hiding place, namely the right wing of the pretty, slender and elegant pegasus mare to her left.
Twilight pointed at this one: "Oh, and this is a member of our aerial team, Window Dressing. She took the right wing. Literally."
Celestia smiled to the mare, who looked quite uncomfortable. "Why, you're one of the aerialists in the formation! That was some good flying you did, miss Dressing!"
Window Dressing smiled back, shyly. "Thank you, Your Majesty. I loved doing that. It made me feel... more than just my special talent."
Celestia frowned. "You... want to be more than your cutie mark says? Mind if I ask why?"
The gorgeous pegasus' head dropped low, with a sad sigh. "My special talent is... being pretty. Just that. At school, I was the pretty filly. At college, I was the pretty mare. I even had to escape Photo Finish's attentions. But today... today I was more. More than just a pretty mare."
No sooner had she said this, Window Dressing found herself wrapped in the embrace of the wings of Celestia and (to the utter surprise of anyone but the Harmony Six and Spike) Fluttershy. The tall Sun Princess lifted her chin with a wingtip.
"You're not alone. You have no idea how much time it took me to be more than "She who raises the sun". Some days it felt like the only ones who knew me were Luna and Starswirl. I miss that old oddball."
Twilight wasn't sure if it was appropriate to interrupt Celestia and Window Dressing's moment... luckily, Celestia took a step back and looked at the three diminutive Ring Brothers.
"Moving on, do you mind introducing to me these three fine gentlecolts?"
To Celestia's words, Trapeze took a step forward and gave one of his exaggerated bows, quickly imitated by his brothers. "My name is Trapeze, Your Majesty, and these are my brothers Baton and Shadow Mirror, who you met earlier. We're the Ring Brothers, Circus Performers: acrobats, jugglers, stage magicians... by the way, the "appearing Force" trick? All my talented brother's idea. Shadow Mirror is a master of misdirection."
Luna's eyes shone, and she looked at the trio excitedly: "Are you three also... clowns? Like Ponyacci?"
Baton smiled a sad smile. "Fan of the old master, are you, Princess? Yes, we're also clowns, if needed. But we're not good at it. Besides, we're not like Ponyacci."
The three - and Pinkie Pie - spoke in a single voice: "Nopony is like Ponyacci."
Twilight coughed slightly. Things were not going as she had planned... and yet much better than she feared. She pointed at Rutgerd and Leaf.
"These are our other inseparable couple, Rutgerd and Leaf in the Wind. They're among the mightiest members of our team still in pony size."
The two gave a deep nod, more or less a bow for such massive creatures. "Rutgerd honored to meet Sun Princess."
"I'm honored as well."
Twilight turned left, then suddenly looked down. She had almost missed Kissy. The Luvcat was TINY!
"This one is Sunlight Kissing the Morning Flowers. Kissy, if you prefer. He's tiny, but he's got a big heart."
Celestia giggled, then leant forward and nuzzled the minuscule Luvcat. "Greetings, little one. Glad to meet you."
Kissy wrapped Celestia's nose in a warm, fuzzy hug. Luna cooed in delight, and went for a hug of her own. The introductions were paused while everyone tried not to look at two aeon old princesses acting like schoolfillies.
After a while, Celestia lifted her head and turned to look at the other troopers, silently telling Twilight to go ahead. Luna followed after a moment, leaving somehow a chubby opossum nestled on Kissy's head.
"Tiberius was hidden in my mane. He wanted to see the ceremony, but big crowds unnerve him."
Twilight looked for a moment at Luna's marsupial pet, then shrugged and turned to the oversized head filling the door in the back.
"That one is our logistics and transportation unit, Serendibite. Well, at least her head."
Celestia nodded politely, and a powerful impact on the other side of the door hinted that Sera had tried to bow... forgetting that she was already lying down.
"I, I'm a honor, Your Princess. I mean, I honored, Majestic Celestia. I mean, It's a Celes, your Honored Majestia. I mean... "
Twilight turned to Stormwreaker. "I thought she was over her awkwardness."
The griffon shrugged. "With us, sure. With ponies she doesn't know? Not so much."
Twilight sighed, then turned to Celestia: "Princess, let me introduce to you the practical mind behind our little group: Acting Sargeant Stormwreaker."
Stormwreaker lifted a talon, looking really embarrassed: "Well, Princess Twilight... Today I was thinking about our oath. The Omnicultural Multi-Ethnic All-Encompassing Defense Force..." Twilight was astonished: it was the first time that Stormwreaker used the fuil name! "... is a peaceful, kind Guard, unlike the Griffish Militia. They don't need a Stormwreaker. What they need is... me."
The griffoness took a deep, respectful bow in the direction of the three Princesses. "Your Majesties, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Acting Sargeant Glinda Goodfeather. I'm honored to be in your presence."
Spike looked at her in utter confusion: "Goodfeather?"
"I told you that my dad loved fairy tales. What I didn't tell you is that he wrote a lot of them."
To say that Glinda was surprised by Twilight and Steady Ascent's reaction would be an understatement; the Princess of Friendship and the cultured giraffe literally pounced on her, pinning her to the wall, with giddy grins on their snouts.
"Your father is Gordon Goodfeather? THE Gordon Goodfeather? The author of "The Little Kitten and the Sun"? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Again, the troopers took a little pause to avoid seeing their Royal leader and one of them acting like crazed fans. Celestia, on the other hoof, was used to it. She moved to Lana.
"So, since I already know Steady Ascent, I guess that leaves you and the tall gentletaur. I hope you won't mind if I ask your name myself."
Lana shrugged. "Am Lana. Wear uniform, dig holes, help new pack." she gestured to indicate the other troopers. "Is all."
Gaemak moved forward, as Celestia turned to look at him. For both was kind of unusual not to have to look down to meet someone else's eyes.
"I'm Garmak, Princess Celestia. I've been citizen of Equestria for years, and now I decided to repay the kindness of your people and show them that the centaurs aren't all terrors like he who was once my Prince. To that end, I answered the call of the Princess of Friendship."
Celestia looked at him, thoughtful. There was a tone in his voice... almost as if... She looked at Twilight, then back at Garmak.
"You took the oath, right? The Centaur oath? Hoof on the forehead and all?"
Garmak blushed a deep, dark purple. "Yes."
Celestia turned back to Twilight. "Twilight... Sorry if I disturb your fanfillying by asking, but... are you aware that a Centaur oath of loyalty is for life?"
Apparently, Twilight wasn't; she promptly forgot about Glinda and turned towards the colossal Badlander, aghast. "WHAT?"
Celestia let out a small giggle: "Oh, don't worry, Twilight... what I meant is that unless you remember to release him from his oath he's pretty much at your beck and call until either of you passes on. Just remember, unless you have a good reason for releasing him, doing so is considered an insult."
Twilight looked at her mentor harshly. "NOT HELPING, Celestia."
Garmak coughed. "Well, it's an insult among centaurs. Not sure about ponies."
Twilight sighed deeply, then straightened up and motioned to Spike. The little dragon moved closer, still holding the pillow.
Twilight looked at the assembled troopers, then spoke.
"Acting Sargeant Goodfeather. Trooper Garmak. Please take a step forward."
As the two obeyed, she nodded to Spike, that pulled the cloth off the pillow, revealing two shining insignias.
"A Guard needs leaders, gentlebeings. And while I think all of you deserve to be so, I believe that the two of them have the necessary attitude. These insignias mean greater authority, but also greater responsibilities. I hope that you will accept, Sargeant Goodfeather and Corporal Garmak."
The two simply saluted, as the other troopers let out a short cheer. Twilight floated the insignias to the collar of the uniforms, a gesture that made Garmak instinctively move his arms to cover his chest.
Celestia looked at Twilight, puzzled. The other shrugged. "Kind of a long story."
Then, as Twilight was talking to Celestia, Glinda turned to Kissy and smiled. The little critter scurried off.
Glinda snapped at attention and saluted. "Permission to talk, Princess?"
Twilight looked at the griffon, confused. "Uh, granted, I guess."
Glinda grinned. "I noticed that, in the oath, among the things, people and ideals to protect and uphold there wasn't your name, and so did my teammates. I guess you meant that you weren't supposed to be served... or be in the chain of command, except as a "founding Princess". You don't want or need a guard, only someone who wants to help others... just like you do." Twilight nodded, dubiously. "Well, too freakin' bad. Sorry, purple mane, but you're in this for keeps, just like us. You gathered us, you swore us in, and guess what? You're stuck with us - as our leader. OUR Princess. Sure, we won't ask you to always be around, what with being a heroine and everything, but if we're in, you're in. We're a team, period. Pull my insignia back off for insubordination if you want, but know that we all think the same."
Twilight, deeply moved, took a step forward, then hugged the griffon. "I really hope that I'll be worthy of you guys."
Glinda hugged back for a moment, then took a step back. "Oh, and another thing... Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, in everyone's name I'd like to request a full pardon for the crime of offense to the Crown."
Twilight, her eyes moist with tears, hadn't yet noticed that Kissy had armed everyone in the room with pillows.
Celestia lifted her own pillow, mirrored by her sister, then grinned wickedly. "Granted."
The ensuing pomfing echoed for hours.
Author's Note
A small bit of trivia: the Diomedea Exulans that Utterly Irrelevant mentioned really exists. It's the scientific name for the Wandering Albatross.
Princess Twilight's Omnicultural Multi-ethnic All-encompassing Defense Force
"...and that's pretty much how it happened. "
The two hatchlings looked up - really up - at their immense elder. The red one's eyes were sparkling, his face glowing with amazement.
"Wow, grandma! You were REALLY one of the founding members of the Twilight Legion?"
The purple one turned and cuffed lightly his sister between the horns, with a slightly mocking expression.
"Of course she was, dummy! Do you think that all those ponies that show up in her cave from time to time call her Colonel because they think it sounds nice?"
A claw the size of the average Pony house poked the ground between the two. The colossal draconess looked down at her two descendants, frowning.
"Blaze, stop hitting Ember on the head. Your sister has every right to ask. And Ember, stop calling it the Twilight Legion. Only because most beings call it that way, that doesn't mean that you have to. Remember, to a dragon names are important. "
The red dragonling's ears drooped. She didn't want to make Great-great grandma Serendibite upset; while the old wyrm was known for being much calmer and kinder than the average dragon, she liked her way too much to disappoint her.
"Sorry, grandma. I meant the..."
Blaze interrupted her, a wide, mischevious grin on his pudgy snout.
"...the Omnicluttered Multitennis Alabama Defense Force!"
Sera chuckled, a sound like an avalanche coming from a creature her size. Was she that cute when she was their age?
Ember shot her brother a withering glance, then turned back to Sera.
"But... Grandma, what happened to the others?"
Sera exhaled a deep, nostalgic sigh, as her eyes moved to a photo framed on a wall of her cave. In it, a bunch of different creatures in purple uniform was smiling happily, looking proud of what they were, as a much younger her took pretty much all the background. She missed them so much...
"Well, Garmak kept true to his oath. Rain or hail, he remained at Princess Twilight's beck and call. That embarrassed the Princess to no end, usually. Lana and her pack finally went back to Diamondia, after she retired. She was an old, proud Dog. Nyota and Lost Cause married, and so did Rutgerd and Leaf. We were all invited. Each time I managed to plug the building's entrance with my rear end. Remember, being a growing dragon among ponies is not easy. "
The two hatchlings started giggling at the image of their gran stuck halfway through a pony door.
"The Ring Brothers eventually went back to the Circus. But first, they decided to apply their knowledge of the performing arts to actual military activities, finally creating a subdivision of the Force based on stealth, misdirection and nimbleness. "
Blaze gasped: "The Shadows of Harmony!"
Sera nodded. "Exactly. And thank you for not calling them "the Ninjas", Blaze. Anyway, Steady Ascent eventually became Ponyville's official librarian, while at the same time keeping her place in the Force. Kissy got his land back for his people, even if he didn't leave the Force for quite some time. Of course, everyone expected that to happen: it was a Printest's promise, after all! "
Sera's imitation of Twilight's drunken slur drew a new fit of laughter for her grandchildren.
"Utterly Irrelevant, Background Pony, Window Dressing and Walk-In Role led their own lives, got families of their own and eventually retired. The same goes for General Goodfeather, of course, although she pretty much started a military tradition for the Goodfeather family, beginning with her own son. Of course, that meant the Force: no Goodfeather worth his or her primaries would go back to join the Griffonstone Militia... As for me, well, I never left the force, although I keep refusing any promotion higher than Colonel. Sadly, I had to give up wearing the uniform... the cloth for the shirt alone would hurt the Force's finances big time. "
Sera exhaled another long, nostalgic sigh, almost blowing away the little ones.
"Of course, I don't have to tell you what happened to Princess Twilight or Spike. "
Blaze nodded hard. "Of course, gran-gran! Do you think we're stupid?"
Ember looked at Sera, nibbling cutely on her own tail. Sera couldn't help cooing in delight at the sheer adorableness of her little granddaughter, a very, very weird sound coming from a colossal dragon (how weird? Well, imagine a mountain range trying to emit a delighted, girly, sweet cooing. Now lower the tone by at least six octaves).
"But... but grandma Sera, what happened to them BEFORE that?"
Sera smiled. She should have seen that coming. "Oh, so you want to hear some of my old stories from when I was just a simple trooper in the Force? Mmmmaybe our first mission? "
The two baby dragons started nodding so fast that their snouts became a blur. Sera's smile widened. She extended an immense wing, drawing them closer, nuzzled both of them affectionately, then rested her huge head on a rock, adjusted her glasses (donated generously by the Equestrian Institute of Astronomy) and started narrating.
"Very well. It was a beautiful, bright morning in Ponyville: the birds were singing, the foals were playing and Derpy had delivered by mistake Spike to our barracks... "
Author's Note
Well, that's it. Probably I'll write a sequel about the adventures of the Omnicultural Multi-Ethnic All-Encompassing Defense Force - I have thought of a few - but they'd be more Adventure and less Comedy, so they wouldn't exactly fit in the current tags, so I didn't put them here.