Unfortunate Things Happen To Unfortunate Animals In Equestria

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Angel, Other, Tragedy, Random, Lyra
Length: 1778

Throughout Equestria, unfortunate things happen to unfortunate creatures. These are their stories.

Day 1 of One$#!+ober: A crappy story every day of the month!

Throughout Equestria, unfortunate things happen to unfortunate creatures. These are their stories.

Published 2016-04-22 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-22 18:50:01 UTC

Framing Introduction You Should Skip

"Say, Fluttershy," said Pinkie Pie, "do you ever wonder what would happen to various animals if the Equestria we know and love was a darker, crueler, weirder, version of itself?"

"I do, sometimes in my darker moments. Want to write some stories about such a world with me?"

"Sure thing!"

These are those stories.

Picard the Mouse Needs Therapy

"Say, Twilight," Fluttershy asked, "Whatever happened to those mice you transformed before our first Grand Galloping Gala together in order to evoke certain fairy tale tropes?"

"Oh, Fluttershy, do I ever have a tale to tell you. Or should I say 'tail'?"

"Hahaha!" Fluttershy said, not getting the joke because tale and tail sound the same. "Please tell me the story."

"Alright, I will do so. It is a tragic story, so I cannot relate it all at once; that would be too much tragedy at once. Rather, I will relate the story of only one mouse, Picard. This is his sad, sad tale."

Picard was a mouse who lived outside Ponyville. He had six beautiful daughters: Pepe, Georgia, Antonette, Werwer, Shannon, and Chatty. He loves them very much, and prided himself on being able to protect them. His wife had unfortunately died in a tragic Golden Eagle accident last year, but it was okay, he could move on, darn it.

One day in fall, when Picard was gathering dead crickets to help his family through the winter, he noticed a pony approaching him. He quickly identified her as "Yellow Butter". She was a nice pony and unlike the other actually could talk to him. She asked if he wanted to do her a favor. He said he was game. He liked helping others. Oh Picard, if only you hadn't been so kind. You might still be alive today. Is that a spoiler? Not really, considering that none of this actually exists. Do you or I even exist? If not, how did this writing get here? Of course, what is "here" an imaginary point of existence on the internet.

Anyway, Picard agreed, and Yellow Butter said, "Perfect! Now I have four! Would you kindly just climb into my hair, please?" Picard did as he was asked, and found himself in her luxurious hair alongside his friend, rival, and secret lover, respectively: John, Jacob, and Jingleheimer Smith.

Tragedy struck for Picard though. Upon being loosed from her hair, the mouse was struck by a new sensation. Like the one INXS sang about. That's pronounced "In Excess", by the way. I've copied the song here for your enjoyment:

That sensation was in fact that of being struck by a strange magic. Strange Magic is another excellent song. I'll also post it here. Did you know that Electric Light Orchestra holds the record for most songs (20) in the top 40 charts without ever getting a number one single? I bet you didn't know that. Now you are smarter and better educated. You may one day win some money on Jeopardy thanks to me. Anyway, without further ado, here's the song:

Twilight's magic struck the mouse, and stretched and transformed him in excruciatingly painful and grotesque ways. Soon he was no longer himself, but some sick bastardization, a chimera stuck between being a horse and being a mouse. What horror must have flowed through Picard's now slightly larger mouse brain at the Kafkaesque absurdity of it all. He reared up in fright, assaulted by sensory overload of the cruelest degree, when disaster struck: the evilest of evil, the vilest of vile creatures, a cat appeared. The cat's name was Opalescence, and did I mention it was evil? That cat jumped, seemingly in slow motion to Picard's helpless eyes, upon the flank of his lover Jingleheimer Smith, and sank her sharp claws deep into his flesh. Smith did what any mouse-turned-horse would do: he ran in terror. Picard screamed for him to come back, but it was in vain. Smith never returned.

Picard spent the rest of that hellish day wandering around in fevered delerium, stumbling in his unfamiliar legs and whinnying in his alien tongue. He never did find the one male mouse who could satisfy him when his wife wouldn't. He was gone, forever. To this very day, we know not what happened to him.

When the clock struck midnight, Picard's physical transformation at least reverted. He was a mouse again. He kissed the ground, thankful to be so close to it again. But though his physical trama was over, the emotional scars remained. Picard sought body-dissociation trauma therapy for months, but the damage was just too much to overcome. He got fired from his mouse job after weeks of poor performance. Unable to face the truth and tell his family, he strangled them with Rarity's sewing thread one dark night. He knew what he had to do. It was time to end it.

Picard hitched a ride on the Friendship Express to Canterlot. He scurried his way into the Canterlot Zoo and absconded into the lion exhibit. Steeling himself, he genuflected in front of the head lioness. As the creature scooped him up towards her maw, Picard was at last at peace with the world, and henceforth exited it.

"Wow, that is tragic, Fluttershy said, and then the laugh track played.

Author's Note

Picard, shortly before he took his own life

A Fly Ponders the Lyrics of Alanis Morissette's 1995 Hit "Ironic"

Author's Note

This story takes place 23 years after season 1.

A Fly Ponders the Lyrics of Alanis Morissette's 1995 Hit "Ironic"

Once upon a time there lived in Ponyville a fly named May. He lived with his brothers Horse, House, and Elephant. He generally buzzed about, but one day a researcher named Twinkle Dust caught him. Twinkle Dust was the daughter of Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry

Yes I said Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry. Deal with it.

Anyway, she was also quite the accomplished scientific mind like her mother, and she was currently performing experiments of questionable ethicalness upon hapless animals.

Lyra heartstrings had recently died, and had donated her organs to science. Twinkle was sciencing, so she took a tiny bit of Lyra's brain and injected it into the noggin of May, who she had knocked out with some gas. When he woke up, he was suddenly obsessed with hands like everypony knows Lyra is. Inasmuch, He decided to sneak into the human world. He flew to the crystal empire (I think that's where the mirror is now), and thanks to plot convenience, the Magic Mirror to the "Human" world was open. He flew into it, and became a mosquito on the other side. He observed humans all around him. How fascinating! But one human spotted him, and its wonderful amazing fantastic hands rapidly converged on May. His last thought was, "Isn't it ironic?"

Angel Bunny Gets A Broken Neck

One day, Angel Bunny was hoping around Equestria, being a jerk to almost everypony but Fluttershy like he always is, when an eagle swooped down from the sky. The eagle's name was Bradley Johnson, and was a golden eagle. When Americans think of Eagles, they typically think of bald eagles, but Bradley was a golden eagle, looking for food for her young. I bet you assumed Bradley was a male, didn't you. Yo, that's sexist. Anyway, Angel bunny had just finished convincing Opal that taunting a skunk was a good idea. Opalescence the cat was now very angry and taking a bath. But Karma is a bitch. Angel was hopping around outside Fluttershy's cottage being a prick to some ants, pulling their legs off one by one because that's just the messed up way he rolls, when Bradley the eagle dropped out of the sky towards the rabbit. Angel had been raised on a silver spoon in a life of relative luxury compared to normal rabbits that lived in a warren like in Watership Down, and so he didn't know to look out for predators. The eagle swooped down behind him and grabbed him with her sharp talons, the pressure instantly breaking his fragile neck. Fluttershy heard the commotion and went outside, but it was too late. That night, the Johnson family had regurgitated rabbit soup.

*Dramatic Reenactment*

The Very Ugly Cockatrice

Once upon a time there was a very ugly cockatrice. She didn't know that she was ugly though, because she was blind. Unlike most cockatrices though, she actually had friends, because unlike most cockatrices, she didn't turn her friends to stone every time she got angry, because she was blind. So did have a few friends, maybe about five, including a frog, a sparrow, and a kelpie. You will have to use your imagination to decide what the other two or so animals were. Anyway, they were really kind and supportive, always telling her that even though she was really, really, ugly, it didn't matter because it's what's on the inside that counts, even though everyone knows that's kind of a lie, because multiple studies have shown that more attractive individuals achieve more in life, but hey, sometimes you lie to protect people. Wasn't that episode with AJ and Granny Smith and the Flim Flam brothers and Silver Shill about that?

Anyway, eventually the cockatrice, whose name was Cockatrisha, raised the funds to get eye surgery for her cataracts. And the operation was successful, which everyone figured out because she accidentally turned the receptionist into stone when she saw the hospital bill. Anyway, she finally could see the world, so she could finally look at herself, if only she had an opportunity to do so. She got a chance to look at herself when she wandered into Silver Shill's Mirrors and Knickknacks emporium. But she was furious when she saw her reflection. Her friends had told the truth. She really was really, really ugly! This filled her with such fury, and she stared at that mirror with such angry passion, that she turned herself to stone.

The end.

Author's Note

That's pretty ugly.