You are Under Arrest

by eraser

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Adventure, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2734

A dialogue between a guard and an apprehended "creature of chaos" trying to explain his actions.

He came to Equestria from another world to deliver a letter. How much damage can a single clueless postal worker do? Even if his world's technology is so advanced, it's practically magic.

A dialogue between a royal guard and an immobilized mailman. Teen to be on the safe side when discussing punctured lungs and whores.

Published 2015-10-12 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-12 03:30:01 UTC

Honest Mistakes

“The chaos creature using the name 'The Vigilant One'—”

“Just Vigilant. Or Vigil. Or Vig.”

“Is that even your real name?”

“No, it's the translation. River Doughnut said my real name sounds pretentious and scary.”

“Vigilant, you are under arrest for—”

“OK, OK, I surrender. I'll fully cooperate. I'll peacefully walk wherever you need to take me. Just as I promised you earlier. When the vertigo stops.”

“Can you stand up?”

“No.”

“You are under arrest for—”

“Look, do you really need to read the whole list?”

“Of course. I spent the whole day assembling it. You are under arrest for illegally crossing the border of Equestria—”

“It wasn't marked as such. Which I am going to help rectify. And I had urgent reasons to cross it. Article 102.”

“That's for the court to decide. Where was I? Crossing the border... Entering a nature preserve without permit—”

“It was an honest mistake. My map was out of date.”

“...Using chaos magic in ways annoying to every unicorn...”

“That wasn't me. That was a shockwave from the emergency collapse of an interstellar gate. I'll warn them not to do that again.”

“...Injuring a royal guard in the line of duty...”

“I didn't do anything! It's not my fault she can't fly between the trees, but still tried.”

“...Resisting arrest by impersonating a zombie...”

“Again not my fault. I was justifiably cautious when a lot of armed ponies arrived. I tried to hide. It's not my fault my nervous system is anomalous and plays havoc with any scanning.”

“Why did you moan 'Brains!' then?”

“I didn't. They probably imagined it. Even if I wanted to, at this point I didn't know your language. Including the word 'brain'. Ask Doughnuts, they can confirm my poor speech.”

“Injuring... impersonating... prompting a false call to zombie squad...”

“Blame the panic-mongers among guards.”

“...Disobeying a justified demand of guards to surrender...”

“They were clearly scared shitless and the only phrase I thought I figured was 'Call for reinforcements'. I decided to go find somebody less fearful. Scared horses tend to stampede in random directions.”

“Hay! Drop the racial slurs!”

“Was it a slur? Terribly sorry.”

“I doubt that. Er... ...Destroying a bridge in the above-mentioned nature preserve...”

“What bridge? That rotten log across the river? The one that fell from under me?”

“Yes. Do you think a tree would naturally fall in a way to form a convenient bridge?”

“You mean every fallen tree allowing to cross that river counts as a bridge?”

“Of course.”

“Make that two bridges then. Another log fell on me when I swam under it.”

“Destroying two bridges in the above-mentioned nature preserve.”

“Did you just write that down? Am I digging myself deeper?”

“You are cooperating with the investigation. That would be taken into account.”

“And neither was intentional.”

“That's for the judge to decide. Hm... After the bridges... Wrecking a cart belonging to River Doughnut.”

“I didn't do anything! I was just standing near. Besides, I helped to fix that cart.”

“...Distributing untested organic substance to minors...”

“Those were DRY FRUITS!!! Perfectly safe for all species and for all ages as long as they can chew.”

“Considering other gaps in your knowledge, better safe than sorry.”

“OK, I've got a whole backpack of those. Test them. They are safe.”

“That's for the forensic medical experts to decide... Organic... Spreading seeds of potentially invasive plant species...”

“They've been cooked. Can you understand that? C-o-o-ked. The seeds in those fruits are dead. They won't grow into a new pear, apple or fig.”

“...Provoking a series of accidents in Derbyansk, resulting in no less than twenty cases of bodily injury...”

“It's not my fault they were so busy gawking at me, they didn't look where they were walking, what they were doing or where hammers hit.”

“...Not paying sales tax...”

“I tried to. They told me to come back on Monday.”

“Really? They told me a different story. In this case I'm inclined to believe you.”

“Bad blood between guards and tax... ponies?”

“No comments. Uh... bridges... seeds... Supplying instruments for public disturbance.”

“I just sold several woodwind instruments I made, because I needed money. I didn't expect all of them to start playing at once.”

“Exactly how many is 'several'?”

“One thousand two hundred ninety-eight.”

“Kazoos?”

“Most of them.”

“How much did you charge?”

“One bit per instrument. And the four for Doughnuts' children were free.”

“No wonder they were so popular. I'm adding to the list predatory dumping.”

“I swear, I had no idea about your prices. Still don't. That first colt kept saying I was charging too much for something as shoddy. We ended up striking a bargain at one bit.”

“He's going to grow into a great merchant, I assume. But where did you get the instruments? Did you really make all of them?”

“Yes. Carved them out of wood clients brought. Plasma cutter through space-time interlockings.”

“Er, could you rephrase that?”

“Magic dagger.”

“Well, at least I can strike out the suspected theft and robbery.”

“What!? Robbery? How—”

“What else did I have to expect? Doughnut mentioned you didn't have a single bit, and several hours later you have hundreds.”

“Why didn't you expect me to get them through honest work?”

“Next on the list: conspiring to access classified information.”

“I just asked the bookseller if they could order history books beside what they already had. Is this a crime?”

“The bookseller decided to report this incident.”

“Skunk. I'm not buying any more books there. Just picking what I've paid for and leaving.”

“You have to understand. With all the commotion in the town everypony got wary about you. They just shared their worries with me.”

“You do realize I didn't want anything beyond school textbooks, don't you?”

“None of the booksellers said that.”

“Skunks.”

“...Illegally requisitioning a guard chariot...”

“Don't pin your own violations on me too.”

“Invoking article 102 works both ways.”

“Rats. Are you going to call the fog my fault too?”

“No. To quote a weather pegasus, it was 'a scheduled accident'.”

“How?”

“Beats me. Weather inspection is going to have a field day in their mess. Where was I...”

“Chariot.”

“...Electrocuting a royal guard in the line of duty...”

“I did warn you, this letter would react poorly to anybody wanting to open it. Other than the intended recipient.”

“I didn't want to!”

“You totally did.”

“Did the letter tell you that?”

“Yes it did.”

“I'm not going to ask how.”

“If you did, I'd say 'enchanted envelope'.”

“*sigh* ...Assault against a foreign dignitary...”

“What?! I just talked to that dragon and he tried to bite me. And then he swallowed me.”

“Don't say I didn't warn you.”

“And you attacked him too.”

“To rescue you.”

“And THAT risk was unnecessary. I would've gotten out even without your distraction. I've told you, there was no danger for me. Unlike you.”

“I failed to dissuade you from talking to dragons and felt it was my fault.”

“But why do you protect a dragon? Did he file a complaint?”

“Not yet. We try to be pre-emptive.”

“Besides, is the Everfree forest even within your jurisdiction?”

“Look, would you rather be tried by ponies or by dragons?”

“Ponies. Although, after this list... I'm not so sure.”

“...Transporting an invasive plant species outside the Everfree forest...”

“I destroyed it the moment I found it. I didn't notice it grabbing me, because I was dodging your blasts. And I didn't check myself sooner, because I was either running away from you or lugging you.”

“...Verbally assaulting a guard in the line of duty...”

“I did no such thing!”

“What about the phrase 'You should've run away, whorse meat'?”

“So, you were conscious at the time!”

“Barely.”

“Anyway, you misremember. There were two sentences, not one. 'Whorse meat' was an interjection rather than vocative expression. I said 'You should've run away, silly filly. Whorse meat!'”

“...Gross mispronunciation of the word 'whorse'...”

“Sue the authors of the dictionary. There was no transcription in the 'whorse' article.”

“...Private property damage in Ponyville...”

“Already settled out of court. Macintosh agreed this was unintentional and two hundred is more than enough for the fences and the barn.”

“...Foalnapping attempt...”

“I just asked her if she could show me the way to the hospital. She agreed. When her legal guardians objected, I picked one of them instead.”

“...Reckless flying, dangerous crossing of designated air traffic lanes...”

“Jumping, not flying. And I checked before jumping, there was nobody in the sky.”

“It was already too dark to see clearly.”

“Enough light for me.”

“...Inciting a panic in the hospital...”

“I didn't expect such a dramatic reaction after mentioning a punctured lung.”

“And you diagnosis was wrong.”

“It was an honest mistake. You were beaten and coughing and spitting blood. At least it helped to bring the nurse quickly.”

“...Leaving a suspicious bag in the hospital, prompting to call a bomb squad...”

“It was a bit bag to pay for your medical expenses!”

“You should have told us. ...Illegal use of mental magic, resulting in a series of riots and destruction of two or more changeling hives...”

“I only talked to the guards. About how their lives sucked and how many times and in which ways they have been wronged. I hoped they'd start fighting and I'd sneak outside. I didn't expect them to get so carried away. But I did nothing else, the hive started collapsing only after I got to the surface. And again, are the badlands in your jurisdiction?”

“Same as before. Would you rather be tried here or there?”

“Hard to argue with that.”

“...Abducting a bed-patient out of the Ponyville hospital...”

“102 again? They were going to discharge you in the morning anyway. And you were quite happy to jump out of the window.”

“They accidentally locked me in a room without a bathroom. By the way, did you have anything to do with abnormally fast healing of my bruises and contusions?”

“Remote electro-stimulation for accelerated cellular regeneration and waste removal.”

“Could you rephrase that?”

“Magic healing dagger. I left it in the bit bag when I... left. By the time I came back you were healed and rested.”

“...Propagating false panic-inducing rumours about eternal night...”

“'Propagating' implies telling it to large number of... ponies. I told it only to you. Specifically to avoid panic. The rest is your fault.”

“But you did start it.”

“I told you, it was an honest mistake. I saw the sun travelling an open orbit. I did not realize all those elaborate Princess titles are more than colourful flattery, but signify bi-... I mean semi-daily orbit correction. I arrived after the dawn and missed the dusk correction because I was rushing a certain unconscious horse... sorry, a pony, to a hospital. Thus, I concluded the sun was going to fly away and the next night wasn't going to end. I had reasons to believe my addressee — referred to as 'the ruler' — could help with evacuating inhabitants of this world. I decided to enlist help of the nearest pony in uniform. But how could you be so gullible?”

“You speak very convincingly. ...Reckless driving of a handcar...”

“I checked the lease rules. Nobody thought to limit the speed. And I did scan the road ahead — it was empty.”

“...Destroying one railroad bridge...”

“If the bridge collapsed from a speeding handcar with two overweight ponies—”

“Hay! Take that back. I may be weight-conscious, but I'm not that heavy.”

“Apologies, I was talking about the upper estimate. Anyway, it was a stroke of luck that this bridge fell apart under us rather than under a heavier train with less prepared passengers.”

“Uh, maybe. ...Destruction in the palace in Crystal Empire...”

“I swear, I didn't touch anything. I just walked nearby. Again. Besides, Princess Cadence said they were going to tear down that wall anyway and I just saved them time and money.”

“Why didn't you mention that before?”

“You didn't ask.”

“...Impersonating Royal Guard—”

“Aren't you a real Royal Guard?”

“I was off duty, that doesn't count. ...Illegally requisitioning a... motorized hang glider... Did I get the name right?”

“It was your idea, I was going to pay them.”

“...Inciting panic in Crystal Empire with the news of eternal night...”

“That was the reason I wanted to pay those swindler brothers without explaining. Wait, how do you know that? We left immediately after getting the glider.”

“Dragonfire mail. Equestrian embassy in Griffonia was warned about troubles in Crystal Empire. First the explosion in the palace, then someponies selling blueprints for a glider to escape the eternal night.”

“At 3 AM?!”

“And they tried selling them door to door.”

“What happened to them?”

“I don't know. Considering their past cases, they probably escaped again.”

“Wait. You knew who they are, but didn't hesitate to fly their machine?”

“I knew your seven-mile boots will save us if it falls apart.”

“I've told you already, those are called 'gravitic stilts'. And I wouldn't trust them too much after what poison joke did to them.”

“...Inciting riots in Griffonia by asking drunks if they serve the being who deserves to rule the world, then asserting their sovereign is not worthy...”

“Asking about the ruler of the world in every public house in the city was your idea.”

“As if your idea about asking on the streets was any better.”

“OK, it was still 4 in the morning, and we were in a hurry. Your plan was better. I'm still ready to bet the rest of my bits that the king will subdue them by tomorrow evening.”

“Reckless flying of unmotorised hand glider—”

“Hang glider.”

“Reckless flying of unmotorised hang glider through a cloudhouse in Ponyville.”

“With the information you've generously supplied I was in a hurry to finish this errand and surrender to you. Besides, nobody got hurt and miss Dash called the incident 'awesome'.”

“And a magical attack against a reformed criminal on probation.”

“He doesn't complain. Do you, mister Discord?”

“He's been smiling like that since you gave him the letter and all the blinkenlights and rainbows happened. Care to explain?”

“It's a long story.”

“We've got time.”

“OK, I'll try to condense it. A millennium and a half ago — give or take a thousand years, still not sure about your time units — aliens discovered your world. They found something so dangerous, they blocked all access to it, designed a plan to deal with this threat, but got involved in some global war and forgot about it. Yesterday the old plan was finally implemented. For security reasons the courier — me — had much of his memories blocked. He — I was to find the ruler of your world, or at least of the territory where I end up, and give him the letter. I ruled out alicorns, biggest dragons, changeling royalty and chief griffons. Then you mentioned Discord was overthrown, but still alive, and the time frame fit. Since Discord reformed, the letter ascertained he's no longer a threat to interstellar portals and didn't kill him. On the contrary, the process was very enjoyable, as you can see.”

“A bit too much, if you ask me.”

“It'll soon pass. He'll be back to normal.”

“Please, continue.”

“Not much more to tell. After completing my mission I recalled everything, hence the vertigo. Now I am to welcome you to the galactic community. Take me to your leaders! When the world stops spinning.”

“Oh, yes, I will. Both princesses are going to enjoy presiding over our trial.”

“'Our'?”

“After all I've done last night, I am going to hand you to guards and arrest myself.”

“Can you do that?”

“Easily.”

Author's Note

My first story here. Feedback is welcome.

At first I wrote the story in more traditional style, with each chapter from a different point of view and lots of unimportant details. Then I stumbled upon the group Dialogue-only Stories and remembered how much I love dialogues. This is the result. Should I publish the other version as a prequel?

Update 2015-10-12: Reworded several paragraphs in hopes to improve the text flow.

Update 2015-10-20: I wasn't satisfied with how the guard Flame Arrow ended up portrayed. Perhaps she should mention turning herself in too.

Update 2015-10-23: If a dialog needs colour-coded lines, it's the author's fault. At least it'll make it more readable.