Would Matter Matter If Matter Mattered

by mr lovecolt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 2955

Twilight Sparkle is asked super deep and meaningful questions

Twilight Sparkle is asked if things were things.
Then she is asked if the things they were weren't what they were.
Then she is asked if the things that weren't what were were what they weren't were.
Luckily, Discord is there to make sense of it all.

Published 2015-10-03 15:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-03 15:30:02 UTC

Can Ponies Even Look At Their Navels?

"What was that?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she stood on a ladder in order to place a three of spades at the top of the house of cards she was busy building on top of the cutie mark map. Stupid map, she thought, never asking me to help with a friendship problem. "I didn't hear you, Fluttershy."

Twilight Sparkle looked down from her makeshift perch and saw her timid pegasus friend hiding beneath the cushions of a large couch. Her eyes poked out from the front and her tail poked out from the rear, and in the center of the cushion was a bulge from her paunch. Fluttershy stuck her head out, sending her almost offensively excessive amount of mane cascading to the floor.

"I said," Fluttershy began, spitting out a bit and piece of lint. "Would it matter if zebras invaded Canterlot instead of changelings?"

Twilight Sparkle coughed, and the house of cards nearly toppled over. She kept everything in place with her magic, however. Not cheating, she thought.

"How would zebras have managed to do that?" she asked Fluttershy, who was now pulling herself out from beneath the couch. "And why are you asking this?"

"Well," Fluttershy replied. "The princesses have been talking about profiling changelings. We went through this with zebras, remember? Remember how Jet Set and Upper Crust started that political party in Canterlot stereotyping zebras as thugs and welfare queens? We just don't need to do that."

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes and flew down from the ladder. She placed a hoof on Fluttershy's withers.

"What are you saying, Fluttershy?" she asked, waiting for the inevitable mumbling. "Just say it."

"We need to make sure not to stereotype all changelings just because of one encounter."

"There, that wasn't that hard, was it? See how much time you save when you stop asking hypothetical questions that don't actually answer the question you really wanted to ask?"

"Yes," Fluttershy said as she flapped her wings. "I do get it."

"To answer your question, yes, it will be in ponies' nature to look at changelings with suspicion for a while. That is inescapable." Twilight Sparkle levitated a ten of hearts to the top of the house of cards. "What we can make sure when we are trying to discover suspicious activity is to recognize that this bias exists. It will still be there, but as long as we keep that fact in our conscious minds, it will reduce the likelihood for tribal or species profiling."

Twilight Sparkle flew into the air. Fluttershy flew just behind her.

"Wow, Twilight, what a simple, nuanced answer. It's almost as though you aren't acting like some Celestia-type being who makes pronouncements that everypony has to follow."

"That's what happens when you stop naval gazing and just realize there are two sides to every question."

"Thanks, Twilight."

Twilight Sparkle sighed as her friend flew out the window. She glanced back at the house of cards. As she balanced a five of clubs, she stopped herself.

"Wait," she muttered. "Why am I building a house of cards?"

"Twilight!"

The house of cards burst apart, revealing Pinkie Pie sitting on top of the table, rocking back and forth in a ball.

"Pinkie, what are you doing?" she asked.

Pinkie Pie leaped from the table to the couch and bounced on the cushions. "I just thought of something. What if I'm not the real Pinkie Pie?"

"Pinkie, I'm sure that..." Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Wait, what?"

"What if I'm one of the ones who was meant to go into the mirror pond?"

"Pinkie, you're you," Twilight Sparkle pulled her eyelids down. "You know you're you. You aren't one of the Pinkie clones."

"Would it matter if I was?"

"Yes it would!" Twilight Sparkle shouted as cards continued to fall from above.

"But how do I know I'm me?"

Pinkie Pie cried as she curled even further into a ball. Her snout was pressed so close to her body that her eye touched her belly button. Twilight Sparkle glanced around as the final cards fell to the floor. She took a few steps forward until she stood just in front of her needlessly random friend. She pulled the earth pony's face away from her own navel and stared directly at her.

"Pinkie. You aren't a clone."

Pinkie Pie paused. "But asking that question is important, right?" Pinkie Pie giggled. "I mean, asking about whether or not I am me shows that I'm deep." She pointed to the library behind Twilight Sparkle. "The Haycartes book says so."

"Questions about epistemology are a lot more detailed than simply saying, 'am I me', Pinkie. It's not like it's something you ask and discover the answer to in a thousand words."

"Oh," Pinkie Pie replied, drawing out her voice to a near irritating length. "Thank Celestia you didn't patronize me by trying to give me a simple answer in a sentence or two."

Twilight Sparkle smiled and helped her friend up.

"You're right," Twilight Sparkle replied as she stared straight out, as though looking past some translucent screen. Twilight Sparkle gasped when she noticed a soap box appear right next to her. Regardless, she stepped on top of it. "It would be arrogant of me to think that in a brief conversation like this, I could go into the incredibly complex issue of identity politics and philosophy. Furthermore, I--"

The doors burst open, and Fluttershy ran into the room.

"The Word!" she called. "Oh, The Word!"

"Fluttershy?" Pinkie Pie asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for The Word! He has my blue flower."

Twilight Sparkle glanced back at the library. "You were just here, Fluttershy." She pointed to the books.

"No, Twi," Pinkie Pie replied. "Her bird."

"Her bird?"

"Yes, her bird."

"Have you heard The Word?"

"What do I call the bird?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

"The Word," Fluttershy replied.

"Yes, what do I call the bird?" Twilight Sparkle repeated.

"The bird is The Word."

"The bird's name is Bird?"

"No, the bird is The Word!" Pinkie Pie shouted.

"What word?"

"Oh, this is hopeless," Fluttershy sobbed.

"So, wait, what is the word?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

"You know," Fluttershy said as she sniffled. "You remind me of The Word."

"What word?"

"The Word with the flower."

"What flower?"

"The flower that's blue."

"I do?"

"It's true."

"It's True?"

"Yes," Fluttershy sighed. "You remind me of The Word."

Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie laughed incessantly. Twilight Sparkle's eye twitched and she backed away from the soapbox and her laughing friends. Their laughter echoed through the room. Something's not right, she thought, running away. Though she kept running, the acoustics of the castle made it so that the laughing only intensified. She found the nearest door, leaped inside the room, and slammed the door shut.

"Oh thank Celestia," Twilight Sparkle sighed. "That was--" The mare's eyes widened when she saw who was in the room with her. Big Macintosh sat at a small table, holding a tiny bone china teapot. Her eyes narrowed when she saw what was in the chair across from him. "Is that... Smarty Pants?"

"Oh, uh..." Big Macintosh blushed. "Care for some tea?"

What in Tartarus is going on? Twilight Sparkle wondered. Nevertheless, she felt herself pulled towards the table, as if by an unknown force. She took a seat just as the stallion poured an imaginary cup of tea into her old doll's cup.

"So, where were we Missus Pants?" Big Macintosh asked.

I was simply saying that the sequined sash I saw at the store was simply sensational, Big Macintosh said in a high pitched tone that sounded a bit like Sapphire Shores.

"Do you... do you think it'd look good on me?" Big Macintosh asked as he scratched his forelegs together.

Oh honey foal, the emerald dress would compliment your eyes so well.

"Are you all right, Big Mac?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

Why don't you ask her? Big Macintosh said, using his Smarty Pants voice.

"Ask me what? I'm really scared right now."

"Twilight," Big Macintosh asked. "Would it matter if I were?"

"If you were what?"

Twilight Sparkle's eyes softened when she saw Big Macintosh's head hang down. Oh no, she thought, must use friendship powers. "Hey," Twilight Sparkle said as she touched Big Macintosh. "Don't worry. I've read up on this stuff. I can help you through this."

"Do you think I'd be beautiful?" the stallion asked, his emerald eyes glistening with pools of almost shed tears.

"Sure," Twilight Sparkle replied. "There are mares that are on the larger side."

"Oh I..." Big Macintosh's voice trailed off. His eyes took on a steely glare. "Excuse me?" he asked.

Oh, mare, no you didn't, he added in the Sapphire Shores voice.

"You got a problem with big mares?" Big Macintosh continued.

Mare, please, there ain't no problem if a mare got flank. Because you know they all about that flank, about that flank, no stifle.

Twilight Sparkle screamed and galloped to the door. She heard the sound of Big Macintosh's massive thighs as he thundered across the room. She could hear the sound of the stallion's voice as it pretended to sing a Sapphire Shores song.

Stallion's ain't got no room
For them thighs that don't go boom
So if you got that flank to shimmy
Make them stallions all shout gimme

Twilight Sparkle shrieked and ripped the door off of the hinges. She ran and she ran until she was out of breath. She found herself in her bedroom. What is happening here? she wondered as she fell onto her bed. The moment her head hit the pillow, she felt herself grow tired. Sleep she thought, so... Twilight Sparkle jolted up from the bed.

"Of course!" she shouted. "Princess Luna?" Twilight Sparkle got up and galloped around in circles. "Luna? Luna!"

"Yes, my little pony?"

Twilight Sparkle turned around and cried in happiness when she saw the Princess of the Night standing on her balcony. She pranced over to the alicorn and wrapped her in a hug.

"Oh, Luna," Twilight Sparkle sniffled. "I've been having such an awful dream. Of course, you'd know about that, since you are in my dream right now. I'm just so glad I can get this dream over with and can wake up." Twilight Sparkle sucked a huge wad of mucus that had appeared on her muzzle back in through her nostril and looked up at Princess Luna. "Princess Luna? This is a dream, right?"

"Would it matter if it was?"

Twilight Sparkle screamed.

*****

Discord glanced through the small orb that hovered in front of him. Occasionally, he would stick a talon inside of it, and he would watch as the pony inside would run in one direction. He'd stick a paw inside and then laugh as the pony would turn around and run in the opposite direction. Discord adjusted the pillow beneath his head and looked up at the bed canopy. He snapped a talon and one of the ropes tying the curtain back turned into a licorice snake, which slithered down the bedpost into the draconequus' open mouth. As he slurped the candy down, he snickered to himself as the door behind him burst open.

"Hello, Luna," Discord said in a singsong voice as the mare galloped to his side.

"That is the last time we ingest ghost pepper burritos," Luna shouted over the sound of an incredibly loud flushing toilet. She glanced into the orb. "What did we miss during our bowel movement?"

"Oh, I think I finally broke her," Discord replied as he pointed to the orb.

Luna leaped onto the bed and snuggled up next to Discord, and together they watched Twilight Sparkle fall to her knees.

"Oh, and Luna?" Discord asked.

"Yes, shnookums?"

"Don't say bowel movement. Just say sh--

*****

"--it has to have a reason." Twilight Sparkle tore through every book. "Why am I having this dream?"

Twilight Sparkle watched as the dream Luna shimmered in the middle of the room.

"Do questions always have to have meaning?" Dream Luna asked. "Think about it, Twilight. Why do ponies like asking hypothetical questions like the ones with which you were presented?"

"Because they're curious?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

Dream Luna shook her head. "No. They want to appear curious. They think that by creating a hypothetical situation and sitting back while other ponies argue about them, those ponies will think they are smart." Dream Luna walked over to the now still Twilight Sparkle, who was now seated on the couch from before. "Anypony can take a single thought and create a scene around that thought."

"I don't get it," Twilight Sparkle replied. She heard Dream Luna sigh and wave her hoof. An orb appeared in the middle of the room, and when Twilight Sparkle saw what appeared through it, she scowled. "Discord."

"Now, now, Twilight," Discord smirked as he waved his paw around the table. The crystalline structure turned to rock candy and he broke a piece off, tossing it into his mouth. "Surely you had to sense I was involved."

"Why am I dreaming about you?"

Discord smiled devilishly and looked down at his posterior. "Because you're all about that flank, about that flank, no--"

"Stop!" Twilight Sparkle yelled. "Just get this over with."

Discord coughed and snapped his paw. Three orbs appeared: one held the image of Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy, one held the image of herself and Pinkie Pie, and one had an image of herself and Big Mac.

"Now, do you see what your mistake was?" he asked. When Twilight Sparkle said nothing, he sighed. "When you write dreams--"

"Write?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

"Yes," Discord said, clearly frustrated. "In the medium of dreams, they are written, so to speak. Anyway, when you write dreams, anyone--"

"Don't you mean anypony?"

"Anyone," Discord corrected. "Can allow their characters to become a mouthpiece." Discord pointed to the pony. "You allowed yourself to become a mouthpiece. In any good dream, even the dreamer is flawed. Neither side is ever one-hundred percent correct."

Twilight Sparkle rubbed a hoof to her chin. Suddenly, her eyes brightened, as if a light went on in her head.

"I get it," Twilight Sparkle replied. "When you write dreams, any creature can write a dream that makes them appear smart simply by asking random philosophical questions. In order to write a good dream, you have to create unique situations with unique characters rather than go off of stock ideas and cliched plotlines."

"Now you're really dreaming," Discord said as a chalkboard appeared in front of him. On the chalkboard was his name written in acrostic. "D-I-S-C-O-R-D."

"Discord?" she asked as random music started to play.

D is for Dreaming of a world you wish to write

Discord magicked an umbrella. He took it and used the umbrella to fight gravity as he hovered up to the top of a bookcase.

I is Imagining the creatures which reside

Discord's tail snapped, and two dust bunnies scampered from beneath the couch and danced with one another.

S is for Situations they may or may not fight
C is for Comprehending each and every side

As Discord sang, the bunnies started to fight one another. Twilight Sparkle watched in horror as one bunny ripped the head off of another. For some reason, she snickered when she imagined that bunny to be Fluttershy's pet.

O and R both stand for Objectivity with every single being,
Regardless of how you make them first appear in what you are...

"Dreaming."

By this time, the books were now fluttering about like birds. The crystal walls twinkled to the beat of Discord's music. Twilight Sparkle felt the magic of song well within her. Discord stood in front of her, and the mare held out her hoof for the draconequus to take. Discord now stood before her, wearing a monocle and a vest. Twilight Sparkle blushed and she was pulled into his arms.

"Don't copy me, now, Twilight," he said as he let her go.

D is for Daring to imagine

"I'll let that one pass," Discord said.

I is for Immersion in the world

"Okay," Discord said as he stroked his beard.

S is for Stop Stereotyping
C is for Cliches to destroy

The two danced in midair around the room, books flying by and candelabras spiraling near them.

O is for Original Tales that
ARE not Restricted by the trite conventions of the masses
that is how one becomes...

"Daring!" Discord shouted with glee.

"I get it!" Twilight Sparkle cried as she clapped her hooves. "I finally get it!" She smiled and spun in circles. As she did, everything around her faded. By the time she stopped spinning, everything around her turned to dark. "Hello?" she asked as he vision went away.

*****

"Do you think she learned her lesson?" Luna asked as she watched the pony sleep from within the orb.

"Oh yes," Discord replied as he twirled a finger in Luna's mane.

"But what of the others?" Luna asked. "Surely, there are other who believe that the ability to think in hypotheticals means they are inherently of higher worth than others? Shouldn't we fix them, too?"

Discord kissed Luna's forehead. "Don't be a silly filly. Let us give these ponies some credit." He snapped his talon, and the bed covers wrapped around the two of them. "Could you imagine how depressing a world it would be if you woke up and saw one pony talk about some random hypothetical situation and all of the other ponies trip all over themselves about what an amazing concept that was?"

"Oh please," Luna replied as she booped his snout. "Ponies aren't that stupid."