Fur, Bones, and Scales Are Not Recommended for Consumption
Pinkie Pie hopped back and forth within her bakery, humming a tune to herself. She had been waiting for this day for a long time!
Of course, today was no different from any other day. That didn't keep her from being excited, though.
Empty a bag of sugar here, stir some batter there, preheat an oven on the way back... She was in the middle of an intricate dance, expertly getting three different batches of sweets cooking at once.
Just as Pinkie put the last pastry pan to its fiery bed, she heard a knock on the front door of the bakery. She happily bounded towards it to greet whatever pony wanted some sweets at that moment-
But suddenly her eyebrow twitched.
And then the window next to the door smashed open.
Pinkie recoiled away from the shattered glass, letting out a small yelp of surprise. When she looked back, she was met with an unusual sight.
Posed dramatically on the table nearest to the now thoroughly open window was a bipedal creature of some kind. It looked very... fishy, for lack of a better term, which was due to both the shiny, somewhat scaly blue skin visible on whatever parts of its body weren't clothed in a simple black tank top and pants, and its head was covered in fins, though it also had a bright red ponytail that was flowing in the breeze that the broken window let in.
The creature looked up, which told Pinkie two more things. One, the thing was wearing an eye patch, and two, it was most likely a she. Also, she had a huge grin, filled with equally huge teeth.
While Pinkie looked on in shock, the front door opened, and another two creatures strolled in casually. They too were bipedal, and also they were skeletons.
"YOU KNOW THE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED, UNDYNE, RIGHT?" the taller one said. His volume was normal, yet it still felt like he was always yelling.
The fish girl, Undyne, laughed as she got back on the floor. "Well, I knocked to be polite, but they took too long to answer!"
"YOU WAITED FOR TWO SECONDS."
"That's one second too long!"
"I KNOW, BUT STILL."
While they were talking, the shorter skeleton strolled further inside, walking up to the still-shocked Pinkie. "you guys are still open, right?" he asked.
Pinkie shook off her surprise, and did her best to remain unfazed. "Y- Yep! I just put some sweets in the oven!"
The other two looked over when Pinkie started talking, and she couldn't help but cower ever so slightly as they approached, both towering over her. The taller skeleton seemed displeased by something.
"SANS! YOU SAID WE WOULDN'T BE GOING TO ONE OF THE PINK BUILDINGS!"
"did i say that?"
"YES, YOU DID."
"huh, i guess i did"
Silence filled the room, while the taller skeleton held some annoyance on his face.
The absurdity of the situation finally catching up to her, Pinkie let out a gasp. Out of reflex more than anything, she asked, "Are you guys new to Ponyville!?"
Undyne and the tall skeleton both cringed, while the shorter skeleton, Sans, obtained a small glint in his eye... or, at least, where his eye would be.
"now i remember why i wanted to go here" he said, grinning.
"DON'T YOU DARE."
"what? i'm just... horsing around"
The tall one facepalmed while Undyne and Pinkie let out small laughs.
"SANS!"
"i know you loved it"
"I VERY MUCH DID NOT, THANK YOU. I SWEAR, YOU AND THAT LADY VERSION OF ASGORE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME ONE DAY."
"then why are you smiling?"
"BECAUSE IT IS A PITY SMILE. I PITY YOUR POOR HUMOR."
Pinkie looked back and forth between all three of them. Honestly, she was completely at a loss for what to do. So she decided to fall back to the plan that always worked for her.
Being really, really friendly.
"Well, you three, welcome to Ponyville!" she shouted, posing dramatically as confetti exploded behind her.
"Ooh, I can't wait to throw your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party! But would it really be the same if I just told you I was gonna throw you a party? Oh, I could just not tell you when the party was happening, so you'd still be surprised when it happened! I'll need to get some cake, some balloons, and-"
Suddenly, Pinkie stopped talking, much to the relief of the three guests. "Oh, silly me! I didn't even introduce myself!" She sat down at motioned to herself. "I'm Pinkie Pie, Ponyville's prime, perfect party planner!"
The three looked at each other, before the short skeleton shrugged. "nice to meetcha. i'm sans. the skeleton"
"AND I AM PAPYRUS," the tall skeleton proclaimed, "LEGENDARY WARRIOR AND MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GUARD."
The fish lady just smirked at him. "You know the Royal Guard was disbanded, right?"
"IT WAS A POSTHUMOUS PROMOTION."
"That's not what-" She laughed. "Nevermind."
She lapsed into silence, and everyone else looked at her, waiting.
"...what?"
"YOU DID NOT INTRODUCE YOURSELF," Papyrus said. "YOU PROMISED YOU WERE GOING TO BE MORE FRIENDLY."
"To humans," she added. "Nothing was said about small horse things." She started muttering something under her breath, and Pinkie could barely make out the word "alfis" being said.
"COME ON UNDYNE! PLEEEASE?"
She sighed. "Fine, fine." She turned to Pinkie, putting on a noticeably forced smile. "I'm Undyne, former captain of the Royal Guard."
Pinkie tilted her head. "Wait, you mean Celestia's Royal Guard?"
Undyne blinked. "Oh, uh, not that one, a different Royal Guard."
"Oh, okay."
Silence filled the room, until a muffled Ding! was heard from the other room. Pinkie jumped up immediately.
"Oh! The cupcakes are done!"
With that, she dashed off, before returning just as quickly with a try of blue frosted cupcakes, and setting them on the counter. Sans and Papyrus stared intently at the pastries, while Undyne gave an unsure look.
"how much for the sweets?" Sans asked.
"Each cupcake is just two bits!"
"do you accept gold?"
Pinkie put a hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, I don't see why not!"
"cool" He turned and started walking away. "you can cover it, can'tcha, undyne?"
"You know I didn't bring any money with me!" she said, both laughing and glaring at the retreating skeleton.
"DON'T WORRY, I ALWAYS COME PREPARED," Papyrus said, producing two circular yellow lumps from one of his pockets.
Pinkie accepted them. "Well, thanks, and enjoy your-" She stopped to inspect the payment, her smile dropping. "These are yellow painted rocks."
"WHAT? THOSE ARE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GENUINE UNDERGROUND GOLD! I DEMAND A REFUND!"
Pinkie just stared at him, not amused.
The standoff was interrupted by the sound of chewing. Everyone looked to the source, to see Sans chowing down on the entire tray of cupcakes, occasionally washing them down with some ketchup he kept in his jacket.
"SANS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"enjoying my lunch, what else?"
Papyrus started stamping his foot in frustration. "WE HAVE YET TO PAY FOR THOSE!"
Sans shrugged. "not my problem"
Papyrus let out a strangled scream towards the heavens. Meanwhile, Undyne approached Pinkie. "You think we can get these on the house, please?"
Pinkie just stared at her. "I'm sorry, but payment will be required. I'm all for being nice to new ponies, but we're not running a charity here." She looked past Undyne. "Besides, you also have to pay for the window."
Undyne groaned. "Fine, there any other way we could pay for all that?"
"Well, I guess you could work off the debt. After all, some more help with cooking wouldn't hurt..."
At the mention of the word "cooking", Undyne gained a dangerous glint in her eye, and Papyrus ceased his tantrum to join her.
"WE WILL ACCEPT THIS DEAL. NOW, ONWARD, TO THE COOKING STATIONS!"
Before Pinkie could even lead them, Undyne and Papyrus sprinted towards the kitchen, letting out battle cries. Pinkie shook her head and quickly followed.
The whole time, Sans kept gorging himself on cupcakes. "man, the others are missing out. hope the kid's doing alright"
Laughter filled the halls of the castle, originating from the dining room.
"A- And then they did what?" Celestia asked between hysterics, struggling to not spill her tea in her magical grip.
Across from her, a motherly goat monster tried to keep her own laughter down. "After that, they- they started flirting with me!" Toriel said, her voice rising to punctuate the sentence.
More laughter filled the hall, along with tea being spilled onto the floor. Nearby pony waiters were quick to refill both glasses the moment they were still.
Meanwhile, next to Toriel, a young child sank deeper into their chair, a small blush the only changing feature on their stoic face as they drank their tea.
Eventually, the laughter died down. Seeing the child's situation, Toriel patted their head. "Oh, do not worry, Frisk, we are merely teasing you."
Celestia let out a few more chuckles. "Y- Yes, Frisk, there is no reason to be embarrassed." Suddenly, she started to crack up again. "Okay, maybe a little reason."
Toriel let out a sigh as Frisk's blush started to go away. "Let me say again how grateful we are for your hospitality, Princess."
Celestia waved a hoof dismissively. "Oh, don't worry about it. I always make sure to accept any peaceful outreaches with open hooves." She looked at Frisk. "Besides, if what you're saying is true, then this young one is certainly deserving of a hero's praise."
Frisk just stared at her blankly, before going back to their tea.
Suddenly, there were a pair of chimes, and Frisk and Toriel both took out their phones to read a new message that just appeared.
ALPHYS updated status.
k got the teleporter working again but could take some more time 2 make sure its safe
Toriel was about to speak again, when the phones chimed once more.
ALPHYS updated status.
okay nevermind turns out i forgot to recharge batteries lmao
After waiting a second to see if any more messages would appear, Toriel began talking. "Well, it appears that we will be staying here for a little bit longer."
Celestia nodded in understanding. "Well, I would be happy to provide for my guests for a little while longer. In any case, though, why not have something to eat?"
She clapped her hooves and called over a waiter, telling him what to bring. Toriel interrupted halfway through. "Oh, just curious, but... how do you feel about snails?"
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "They are part of the wildlife here, and have been known to be rather friendly to ponies. Why?"
Toriel sank back into her chair, mildly defeated. "Oh, nothing."
Frisk knew what the question was for, but simply went back to sipping the tea, wondering what the others were up to right now...
"Papyrus! The vegetables!"
"THERE'S JUST LETTUCE AND HAY!"
"Good enough! Throw it here!"
Pinkie stood dumbstruck at the situation in front of her, as well as the actions that led up to it.
The moment Papyrus and Undyne entered the kitchen, they started rummaging through the cabinets and the fridge, searching for ingredients. When Pinkie mentioned that they needed to make some cinnamon rolls, Papyrus helpfully mentioned that "ALL WE KNOW IS HOW TO MAKE SPAGHETTI."
Pinkie relented after much complaining and/or whining, and now Papyrus was throwing ingredients at Undyne, who had conjured a glowing blue spear out of nowhere, poised to strike.
The skeleton let the ingredients fly, where they were attacked viciously in mid air by Undyne's spear. This resulted in shattered remains of lettuce and hay flying everywhere, some of it managing to land in a nearby bowl, which Papyrus was quick to pick up.
While he started vigorously stirring it with a bone he got from... somewhere, Undyne found a package of pasta, and immediately ripped it open before throwing it into a nearby pot, box and all. The impact sent the pot on its side.
"Sauce! Now!" she commanded, summoning another spear just above the pot.
"HELP, I FOUND THE SUGAR!" Papyrus said, still stirring as he struggled with an emptying bag of sugar that somehow got itself stuck to his head.
Not missing a beat, Undyne jumped over and grabbed the bag, pulling it and Papyrus over to the now-simmering pot of spaghetti noodles and box. Several ounces of sugar fell into it, followed by the mashed sauce that Papyrus was working on.
Once he got the now-empty bag off of his head, Papyrus joined Undyne in stirring the whole pot.
Which consisted of her repeatedly stabbing it with her spear, and him throwing bones at it.
"Now for the heat!" Undyne yelled.
Papyrus followed up with a "NYEH HEH HEH!" as he grabbed the dial on the stove, turning it as high it would go.
...and then kept turning.
Pinkie watched all of this in stupefied awe, but was broken out of it once the heat got involved. "Wait! Stop!"
"Hotter!"
"IT WON'T GO ANY HOTTER!"
"Not with that attitude! Keep going!"
Papyrus kept turning the dial. By now, the pot was a bruised, bent, and broken mess, which was steadily getting more on fire.
Suddenly, the flames shot higher into the air. Undyne's eye went wide. "Okay, maybe not that-"
The kitchen was completely in flames, and it was perfectly likely that the rest of the bakery was following suit.
Pinkie's eye twitched as she looked at the inferno before her, and how in the middle of it Papyrus and Undyne were just standing there, looking at the now ashen pot.
"WELL THAT WENT WELL."
"Alright, high fives all around!"
"Y- You-" Pinkie found herself, for the first time in a long while, feeling genuinely angry. "You burned my workplace down!"
"...oops."
Papyrus looked around. "OH, WHOOPSY, I HAVE TO GO USE THE BATHROOM. YOU TWO HAVE FUN!"
With that, he took a running leap and crashed through a nearby window.
Undyne looked at his exit point. "You know, I think, uh..."
And then she jumped out a different window.
Pinkie could feel a vein beginning to pop on her forehead, before there was the sound of crashing wood up above her, and she remembered that she probably shouldn't stay in a burning building.
Outside, ponies were gathered to watch the bakery go up in flames, though none of them really did anything to help, besides a few pegasi who worked on moving rain clouds into position.
As Pinkie just stared at her home burning away, she heard hoofsteps come up from behind her. "Heya, Pinkie, how was-"
She turned to come face to face with Carrot and Cup Cake, each pushing a stroller containing one of the Cake twins. At the same time, they noticed the inferno in front of them, and their jaws dropped.
"P- Pinkie..." Cup Cake began.
"What did you do?!" Carrot Cake finished.
Pinkie looked back and forth between her employers and the fire, barely noticing a slightly-singed Gummy crawling up her tail and into her mane. "I- I don't- Skeletons..."
With that, Pinkie Pie, perfect pastry practitioner, fainted.
On the other side of the building, Papyrus and Undyne strolled over to where Sans was leaning on a fence.
"looks like you two paid it off" he greeted them.
"CERTAINLY."
"good, for a second there i thought-"
"NO."
"-that-"
"SANS, I'M WARNING YOU!"
"-you were gonna be-"
"IF YOU'RE SAYING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING, SO HELP ME...!"
"...arrested for stealing"
"........OH."
Beside him, Undyne laughed.
"Nah, we just got worked down to the bone!"
Papyrus just glared at her. "THAT'S IT. I'M DONE."
He then started walking off, leaving the other two alone.
"Wait, Papyrus, don't be like that!" Undyne shouted after him.
"NO, I'M DONE. I'M GOING BACK TO THE HUMAN. AT LEAST THEY HAVE A DECENT SENSE OF HUMOR."
"the castle's the other way, papyrus"
Papyrus abruptly turned around, glaring in front of him. "NOT. A. NOTHER. WORD."
While he stomped off, Sans shrugged and started walking the way Papyrus was originally going.
Undyne raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you say-"
"yeah, but i know a shortcut"
Looking back and forth between the two departing skeletons, Undyne just rolled her eye and followed Papyrus.
ALPHYS updated status.
k teleporters up is every1 ready?
COOLSKELETON95 updated status.
YES LET US PLEASE LEAVE THIS PLACE
TORIEL updated status.
be sure to thank our hosts for letting us have such a nice stay
SANS. updated status
yeah but still make sure you HOOF it back here
TORIEL updated status.
LOL sans
COOLSKELETON95 updated status.
OH MY GOD SANS STOP OR I'LL BE FORCED TO SCREAM
Frisk stared blankly at their phone as the conversation went on. Next to them, both Sans and Toriel were chuckling as they sent rapid fire texts back and forth, no doubt torturing Papyrus with more puns.
As Celestia looked over the gathered monsters (and one human), she couldn't help but feel her curiosity grow. Despite the rather short time they were in Equestria, she found herself wanting to know them more.
Eventually, the rest of them made it back, and after a few more farewells, Alphys activated the machine behind them, and they all vanished in a bright flash of light.
As Celestia smiled at the now-empty space, she heard the doors behind her slam open. "Princess Celestia!"
She turned to see her former student standing in the doorway, out of breath. "Yes, Twilight?"
"There were- And at the-" She shook her head. "Monsters in Ponyville!"
Celestia nodded. "Yes, and they just left. You missed them."
Twilight's panic gave way to confusion. "I'm sorry, princess?"
Celestia let out a small laugh. "Don't worry, Twilight, it was nothing."
The room grew quiet as Celestia gazed out the window, before she turned back to Twilight.
"Say, Twilight, quick question, do you prefer cinnamon or butterscotch?"
Author's Note
The sight of a stupid, new, one-shot fic after months of the author's absence... it fills you with determination.
