Night Among Royalty

by Kyromancer

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character
Length: 5104

Retirment is a fickle bitch for a 'retired' thief, especially when your forced to attend whatever bullshit you never asked to be invited to.

The Grand Galloping Gala is supposed to be one of the most exciting gatherings among Canterlot royalty and I have been 'invited' to it, sadly like most things in life, I never asked to be invited to nor do I wish to be in the same building as gossiping royals.

Published 2015-10-03 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-03 03:30:01 UTC

Preparations

Most fools think that life is meant for those who are the strongest or highest in the social food chain, They think that by being some badass able to take on armies or being a rich dictator, they think that they’re worthy enough to walk the planet spreading their bullshit ideals on those they think are ‘worthy’ in their eyes but they blind themselves with such petty delusions so when reality decides to break every single bone in their body, they’ll say almost anything to go back to their delusions like a security blanket. The key to survive this predestined social vice grip isn’t with how much money you have, whether or not the idiotic beliefs you preach to the masses will convince them that your way of life is the only way they should live or having muscles the size of bull balls in their desperate attempts to attract a gorgeous mate. The creation of the social ladder has made everyone I’ve come across believe that life is meant to be spent on one simplistic thought process; eat, sleep, get a job, get married, fuck only to have children and forget the fact that evolution is kinder to whoever can adapt to their current situation when shit hits the fan, but I guess I have no say in the matter since I’ve been forced to let my crossbow gather dust now that I am an official citizen of Equestria ‘protected’ under Celestia’s law.

For three months I’ve been able to stop looking over my shoulders for the one who might finally put a bullet in my head and since retirement was far from my mind I never expected to be used as a suit model for a mare who is also the world’s front line of defense.

“Hold still Frostbite” Rarity pouts nearly sticking me with a sewing needle.

I growl and tighten my legs to the point where I can feel the bones starting to snap.

“It took you guys a week to get me out of the Everfree forest when you threatened to cut my mane, but when we compromised it took even longer to pick the color of the ribbon to tie it with so now you have to make a new vest for me to wear at an event I never agreed to go to… an event we have to arrive for in the next TWO HOURS”

Rarity sighs “Well if I had known that you had also received an invitation, we wouldn’t have had to go through so much embarrassment now would we? Besides I was a bit preoccupied with-”

“By preoccupied you mean making dresses to show (what was his name? Puff Ball? Cheese Fan?) that you were the best seamstress in Equestria? Either way he was a cunt! Even though your friends were able to turn the situation around… it was their fault it was to begin wi- OW!!!” A pin finds its way between my ribs.

“You did that on purpose” I growl.

“Now THAT would be woefully unladylike” Rarity giggles.

After Rarity gives me enough acupuncture to cure polio, I go back to my apartment and put on my attire which consists of a dark blue vest with a silver tie and a dark orange ribbon tied in a bow on the upper half of my mane, a parcel from an old friend came in earlier today giving me a smaller pair of sunglasses and a note saying they would help me see in lower lighting, I look in the mirror through the rectangular frames and the black void surrounding my eyes turn white. When the sun sets, I look out the window… the glasses don’t turn everything green or grey and instead makes the surrounding streetlamps brighter. I throw the parcel away and put hang the glasses on the neck of my suit when someone knocks at the door; I open the door to find Spike impatiently tapping his foot on the hardwood.

“Are you ready?” He asks.

“I hate social gatherings, especially ones that involve inbred royalty.” I answer brushing past him.

“If it makes you feel any better I’m not too happy about it either” Spike injects as I hear him run next to me.

“But are you the one with a life sentence of house arrest with a drinking problem?” I snort opening the exit of the complex and following Spike to a carriage with Twilight, Rarity Pinkie, Rainbow and Applejack already inside.

“No” Spike answers hesitantly as he takes a seat

“I hope you have something to keep you occupied because we won’t be leaving until the Gala is over” Rarity speaks as I keep my gaze to the Everfree forest.

“Avoiding every royal in sight is my plan” I growl.

“So you’re not going to meet the Princess?” Twilight asks.

“No” I answer not looking at her only to hear her laugh.

“That’s funny… because a few seconds ago I received a letter from the princess.

I snap my head towards Twilight as she conjures up a scroll and clears her throat

“My faithful student-” She begins “Please be sure that Frostbite sees me before I attend the Gala so he can report on his integration with society.”

I lunge forward and rip the scroll out of the magic aura, and sure enough the short sentence is written in Celestia’s hoof writing (Although if she writes these letters with her magic…).

“THAT BITCH!” I growl slumping back into my seat.

“Sooner or later we’re going to have to work on your swearing” Rarity says while adjusting my tie.

“Didn’t you know swearing heightens your pain threshold?” I chuckle “Twilight probably keeps the book hidden from the general public so they don’t end up liberating themse-OOOWWW!!”

Pinkie slams a glass jar under my chin then holds it up between my eyes.

“Bit in the jar” Pinkie orders.

“You’re shitting me!” I growl receiving another smack from the jar.

“Two Bits” Pinkie growls pressing the glass against my side.

“I don’t have fucking any money” I growl shoving Pinkie’s hoof away.

“Didn’t you help Applejack with a pest problem two weeks ago?” Rarity asks.

“I spent it all” I answer

“On what?” Applejack laughs giving me a sack of bits.

“Booze” I answer dropping four bits into the jar.

“Then it seems that wasting your money on alcohol damaged your ability to count” Twilight says as Pinkie shoves the jar into her mane.

“No, in fact booze could have spared me the memories of experiencing what may be the worst fucking night of my life” I sigh looking back out the carriage.

“Worst night of your life so far” Pinkie chirps.

Status Report

As we approach the castle I open the door of the carriage put my night vision glasses on and jump out.

“What are you doing!?” Twilight shouts.

“Trust me it’s best if you guys aren’t seen with me at the same time, if some damned rich bastard sees us walk out of the same carriage and knowing the gossip these pricks can spread…” I glide toward the castle when a Pegasus guard flies next to me.

“If you are attending the Gala… you will have to wait until the princess declares-“Before he can finish I land in front of the doors only to be surrounded by more guards this time they decide to threaten me with spears.

“Your princess wants talk to me before she starts this political freak show” I grumble taking my ticket out of the vest pocket and giving it to the Pegasus while a unicorn guard conjures up a sketch.

“Could you remove your glasses, sir?” the unicorn orders.

I take off my glasses then the ranks begin to falter and the guards go back to their posts.

“Right this way sir Frostbite” The unicorn opens the door and I follow.

“I’m no goddamn knight” I mutter before putting the glasses back on.

I keep my eyes on the cobblestone until the guard and I enter a wing made of marble then stop outside a large rosewood door adorned with banners of Celestia’s cutie mark on each side of its archway.

The guard knocks on the door and Celestia’s motherly voice gently shouts “Enter”.

“Show her some respect this time Frostbite” The Guard orders as he opens the doors to a dimly lit room filled with shelves of scrolls with a window of brightly colored glass depicting me strangling Gin while Fluttershy witnesses as the outline of the noose traces around her neck in orange.

Celestia clears her throat snapping my attention to her at the writing desk and placing a scroll on a shelf.

“Good evening Frostbite” she says levitating a tea set to the desk.

“Highly doubtful” I mumble then point at the window “Don’t you need my permission before using my problems to make art? Or is this a message that you’re into strangling yourself while you jack off?”

“Are you ashamed of your accomplishments?” she asks placing the tea cup on the desk and filling it.

“Not what I call an accomplishment-” I growl spitting into the fire “-so what the fuck did you want to see me for?”

Celestia clears her throat “I think you’ll be happy to know that I have given some thought and I just might be tempted to take off increments of your sentence IF you manage to behave yourself”

“You should know that whether or not I behave isn’t up to me but how ponies around me act.” I retort.

“Yes, Twilight has been writing me reports on your behavior in Ponyville and while I say you can spend your earnings on whatever or whomever you choose but you can’t be hostile to every pony who so much as gives you a friendly hello.” I open my mouth to protest when she stands up and walks to the door “Keep what I said in mind and you won’t have to waste another half of your life working as a slave. Now, would you kindly escort me to the main hall so the Gala can begin?”

The Prince

“Never knew you could make fries out of apples” I mutter.

“Good evening Frostbite!” a familiar voice calls.

“Rarity” I answer throwing the apple fry carton in the grass and turn to see Rarity standing side by side with one of the most IRRITATING stallions I’ve had the misfortune of meeting… the princess’ nephew prince Blueblood.

“Seems to me that my aunt will invite ANYTHING to the Gala these days, is your friend blind Ms. Rarity?” Blueblood groans.

I almost expect Rarity to defend me but she seems intent on fighting the fact that her sweet prince is just another spoiled bastard of the higher class.

“The groundskeeper looks like he needs the extra work” I retort hoping Blueblood doesn’t remember when we first met.

“I often wonder why auntie doesn’t just let him go” Blueblood sighs, even though he looks at me he still tries to keep his distance.

“For some it’s heartbreaking to let an old servant go due to the fact that they’ve been serving the family for so long plus an old servant doesn’t care about getting paid and if you hire some of the younger ones they’ll do a better job BUT they’ll expect to get a higher pay as the years go by.” The best way to frighten a royal is to threaten their money.

“Truly?” he gasps, I bet if I went any further he’ll shit himself.

“Indeed, thankfully some of the guests know of some loopholes in your aunts’ law against ‘disciplinary’ actions towards their servants.”

His eyes stop trembling as a malicious smile spreads across his face.

“Who?” he asks

I look down the walkway and point at a silver unicorn in a black dress and gold tiara adorned with rubies.

“That Baroness is known rumored to have painted her nursery with the blood of her servants collected from a whip made entirely out of metal.”

That’s right Frostbite use the Intel everyone thought was useless. First rule the Guild taught you: All information can be used as a weapon against a desired subject if on assignment and a potential witness recognizes you, either kill the witness or use undesired Intel of target to cast suspicion away from yourself or your team.

A shuddering breath escapes Blueblood’s throat while his eyes glaze over giving me the perfect opportunity to make a beeline to the dance hall. Even though Bluebell is a degenerate parasite, he is an honorable business stallion but the fact that he thought he was important enough to break handler code, show his face and shoot his mouth off at seven the most volatile minds to gather in the same room, I just happened to pull the short straw and since I knew that killing a royal official would bring unwanted attention I ALMOST succeeded in castrating him.

The Soldier

The Soldier

I push through another crowd of royals, avoid the sour gaze of the cello player, approach the banquet table and silently question why this place doesn’t serve anything besides white wine.

“Mr. Frostbite!” someone shouts.

I turn around and see three Pegasi in blue and gold spandex with Rainbow Dash standing next to a mare with a fire colored war hawk. The only Wonderbolts worth remembering is Spitfire; their leader and Soarin; her second in command.

“I heard you have a problem with the Wonderbolts” Spitfire says while stepping through the crowd, everyone in her path moves away.

“Indeed I do Spitshine” I grumble slurping down what’s left of my wine and prepare to break the edge of the glass on the table.
Spitfire stops in her tracks while Soarin gives his pie to the third Wonderbolt and moves closer to Spitfire.

“What did you call me?” Spitfire hisses, her orange eyes shrink.

“You heard me! If you are the greatest fliers everyone says you are… why would you try to save a falling unicorn by flying towards her in the same formation it would take for her flailing limbs to knock you all out? If you ask me you are nothing but poster fillies for all young unsuspecting Pegasi to flock to with delusions of grandeur until they find out their being used as cannon fodder in brightly colored gimp suits”

Spitfire nearly jumps forward but Soarin blocks her path with his wing, she stands down but still keeps her death glare.

“Boy… you just found yourself in an un-appealable death sentence, if we ever meet again; you are going to wish you kept your mouth shut” Spitfire disappears into the crowd with Soarin and Rainbow Dash tailing close behind. Rainbow shoots me a venomous glare and I try not to laugh.

“BRING IT ON BITCH! I COULD TAKE YOU ALL ON AND ONLY COME OUT WITH A LIMP! A FUCKING LIMP!” my shout echoes throughout the room and I realize the musicians stopped playing and all eyes are turned towards me.

Don’t say another Goddamn word dumbass.

I look at the nearest open door, jump towards it and enter the gardens… laughter and applause starts to roar from the building.

I walk among the gardens taking in the sights when I stop near an eating area, it’s completely abandoned save for a few chess sets made from marble and a water fountain. I stand in front of the fountain and let the rush of water drown out the world when the sound of hoof steps approach I turn around to see a slender unicorn mare in a red dress with what seem to be flowers stitched on the fabric covering her flank.

“Good Evening” She says “My name is Fleur De Lis” She bows then looks back up “I believe this is where you tell me your name.”

“Frostbite” I answer moving toward the fountain and looking at my reflection.

Fleur moves closer till I can see her reflection next to mine.

“Not very talkative unless we’re on the verge of fighting the Wonderbolts are we?” Fleur laughs.

“Evidently not” I growl “Y’know you don’t act like most of the rich snobs at this farce why is that?”

“I’m a dancer.” She answers.

“Stripper or ballet?” I ask looking at her pale violet eyes.

“Ballet” She answers coldly.

“My apologies Ms. De Lis but if you expect to have a mature conversation you’ll be fairly disappointed.”

“Then how about a game of chess?” she asks walking towards the nearest table, using her magic to set the pieces and finally resets the clocks.

I walk towards the table.

“One game” I answer.

Chess Match

Fleur sits on the attacking pieces leaving me on defense.

“So tell me Mr. Frostbite, do you have any special requests for this game?” she asks moving the c2 pawn to c3.

“For each piece we lose, the player who captures the piece will ask one question and the player who lost the piece will answer truthfully no matter how personal the question is” I answer moving the g8 knight to f6.

“Fair enough” she moves the A2 pawn to A4.

I move the E7 Pawn to E6… in the distance I hear Fluttershy hum a tune in the hopes of attracting the garden wildlife, little does she know these animals domesticated and any hopes of getting near them will be unsuccessful.

Fleur moves her A1 Rook to A3, I move my D7 Pawn to D5. She looks at each piece as the rhythm of the clock drowns out Pinkie’s antics to make everyone dance… maybe I should have told her that the Gala wasn’t a party meant for the modern age. We don’t say much to each other so the air is filled with nothing but the stone taps of our chess pieces but somehow she doesn’t strike me as much of the amateurs I’ve played against in Ponyville she moves her G1 knight to H3, I look at each path of all our pieces and guess which move we’ll both make then move my C8 bishop to D7. At some point we start to mirror each other; she moves a pawn to D4, I move a pawn to H5, she moves a rook to B3, I move a bishop to E7 then she moves her bishop to G5.
I move my H8 Rook to H6, Fleur chuckles as her bishop removes the rook from play, leans forward and places a hoof under her chin.

“Why are you wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night?” she asks.

“Because everyone who sees my eyes ends up trying to kill me, (Pawn takes Bishop)” I take off my glasses, her eyes bulge and she sits back.

“Beautiful” She gasps.

“Bullshit. So what is a ballet dancer attending a party for corrupt bureaucrats?” I ask.

“Two years ago, Princess Celestia attended one of my shows, but before the show ended I ended up falling and breaking one of my legs but before they took me to the hospital-“
I hold up my hoof.

“So she took pity on you healed your leg and now you attend one of the most dismal gatherings anyone with half a brain could ever attend, I would have gone with the broken leg, now let’s get back to the game shall we?”

“You’re not me” she growls, and moves her queen forward to the D3 space.

I move my B8 knight to A6; Fleur moves her B3 Rook and takes my B7 Pawn another question for me.

“Why are other ponies scared of your eyes?” she asks.

“They fear what they don’t understand… even though we may advance in technology, most of us are doomed to live with the mindset of the dark ages so when they see my eyes they don’t see me as a pony… they see me as a demon or witch who’s only purpose in life is to be hunted down and burned alive or turned over to the authorities for a sizable bounty.”

I move the A9 Knight to B4 and her pawn takes it.

“How did you earn your cutie mark?” she asks.

“I grew up in an orphanage were the headmaster would beat me at the earliest chance he got, one night he got drunk threw me into a mirror where I received the scar that’s under my eye… once I recovered I flew into a cross beam crushed his spine then broke his horn off and held it against his throat but I didn’t kill him when I saw that the worst thing I could do to him is let him live, I threw his horn in a chamber pot saw that I had a cutie mark and flew off into the night… I was ten.”
I move my last Bishop taking to her C4 pawn out of play; she moves her queen diagonal to it making me move it back in front of my king.

“What are those flowers you stitched to your dress?” I ask.

“Lilies” she answer not taking her eyes off the pieces
Queen takes pawn; Bishop takes Queen, Rook takes Bishop and King takes Rook… two questions each.

“Why were YOU invited? How do you know the Elements of Harmony?” Fleur asks.

“I was invited because Celestia placed me under a life sentence in which the Elements of Harmony have to watch my every move as for meeting the Elements themselves… Let’s just say I’m only allowed to tell you that they helped me deal with an issue that nearly got one of them killed-” If she’s even remotely surprised she hides it well. “-What do you think of Prince Blueblood? Have you ever met any of the Elements?”

“I’ve never met the elements and I think Bluelood is a fucking pussy… Knight to C3”

“Queen to B8” I chuckle.

“Knight to G5” she retorts.

“Pawn takes knight-“ Something starts gnawing at my chest, and I let out a long sigh “-Do you believe in Gods Fleur?”

“I used to, but after I started to see that the scriptures were being used to brainwash my friends and family to believe that ponies like you should be shot in the streets instead of talked to and nurtured while the ministers who were supposed to use the words in the scriptures to teach us love and tolerance for others used them to fund their own greed. Pawn to E4”

I chuckle “Knight takes pawn. How did you get your cutie mark?”

“If we were going for a contest on who had the more colorful cutie mark story I’d say you won but if you really want to know it was when I was five and I saw my first ballet, I was so transfixed with the unity and togetherness that the dancers showed… something that my family never had so I tried to dance when I could, even though my family didn’t approve I still danced. One day when I was eight there was a street performer in the city square who was trying to play a violin, while most ponies were laughing each time he hit a sour note I would move with it then with each movement I made, the music became more clearer and pretty soon I had the entire town dancing, that’s how I got my cutie mark by showing others how equal we are in music and dance.”

Fleur moves her C3 knight takes D5 pawn and says “Check” so I move my king from C7 to D6 and she moves her A4 pawn forward.

“Queen takes pawn” I mumble “Why did you decide to approach me?”

Fleur laughs “Because you were the only one who called the Wonderbolts out on their faults in public! Bishop to A6”

“Rook to B8” I mumble.

Fleur’s eyes twitch as they start darting from chess piece to chess piece

“Pawn to F3” She sighs.

I move the B8 Rook to B1 and whisper “Checkmate” a small smirk stretches across my mouth as the white king falls… yet Fleur keeps a calm demeanor.

“Aren’t you going to boast?” she asks resetting the board.

“I fucking hate boasters… so they did something that makes them feel important to the world, once they get to full of themselves, it’ll be a rare occurrence when they have to step up and they actually bulk up to take action”

“So this is what your cutie mark means” Fleur whispers.

“That's my talent…I see certain paths before they're even set, but when I choose one I stay on it till the end ignoring any other forks in it so there is always that one path I miss, so my last question is this. Did you let me win?”

“Well-“She begins when the sound of hoofsteps on the cobblestone interrupt her.

“Ms. De Lis?” a voice calls.

I turn to the source to see a unicorn with a monocle and burgundy suit walk forward.

“Who’s he?” I ask getting out of my seat.

“Frostbite, this is Fancy Pants. My manager and plus one for the Gala”

“A pleasure to meet you sir-“Fancy bows “-but I’m afraid WE must take our leave”

Before I can ask, a door slams following the echoing roar of ‘LOVE ME!’ while the sounds of glass breaking, metal screeching, marble crashing and screams of royalty filling the night can only mean that the other’s plans didn’t go as expected.

“No need to explain Mr. Pants-“I sigh “-Fleur it was a pleasure meeting you and although you owe me a rematch, we will never see each other again”

“So you say.” She says walking forward, untying my ribbon and tying it around her neck “You’re the best of both sides Frostbite, just because other ponies don’t approve of your methods it doesn’t prove that you’re evil, even though somepony can have the courage to make the hard decisions but bear their burdens alone… that only means they’re not ready to open their hearts and let others carry some of the weight. Have faith in your friends Frostbite. You think that because you can tell me that we won’t meet again that I’ll simply do as you say? Well I say that we’ll meet again sooner then you will expect”

Mingling

Mingling

We leave the room and walk to a hall that separates her part of the castle and Luna’s by a short wide staircase, Celestia lets me leave her side when Twilight runs up the stairs as a line of expectant royalty starts to form behind her.

“Princess Celestia!” she bows then looks at me “I hope you gave Frostbite enough reasons to behave tonight”

“Don’t worry Twilight; I have complete faith in him” Celestia answers.

I move through the crowds with relative ease and listen to each guest’s conversation. While most social gatherings involving royalty is a forefront for certain political bullshit but most of the static that comes out of some of their mouths are about Celestia… from how lucky they are to have been invited to the Gala, guessing who would be a worthy suitor, when they start to speak about their personal life it’s usually how they treated some disobedient servant or complain how some commoner didn’t know who they were when they traveled outside of Canterlot. I step outside to avoid most of their brainless gossip keeping my eyes on the cobblestone when the smells of baked apples fill the air.

“Howdy, Frostbite!” Applejack shouts when I look up and see the vast selection of anything apple.

“Howdy. Howdy. Howdy.” I say coldly.

“Careful-“she growls “-you don’t want to know how hard I can hit when I’m angry”

“So what’s with the stand?” I ask.

“Just raising bits so I can fix the family barn” Applejack answers.

“I’m not sure these pricks understand the concept of real food” I sigh and look behind me to see pissed off couple scurry into the dance hall.

“Just so you know Pinkie gave each of us a swear jar in case we ever ran into you in one of your ‘moments’”

“You’re shitting me!” I shout snapping my head back to Applejack.

“Nope” she chuckles.

Applejack reaches under the stand and holds up five jars labeled with each of the mares’ names in bright neon pink then pushes the jar with her name forward.

“How about I just put the bits into your barn fund?” I sigh knowing full well she would just use the bits for the barn anyways.

“Fair enough” She answers putting the jars away.

I take a few bits out of the bag she gave me earlier and buy apple fries.

Coffee and Donuts

Fleur and Fancy brush past me and I walk back into the palace and find the closest exit into the city. I ask some of the night life if they've seen a dragon the size of the hoofball and they point me to the bakery district. I look through six bakeries until I see a familiar green and purple reptile sitting at the counter and enter the shop.

“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!” Spike tells the shop keeper.

I sit next to Spike and the shop keep drops a sprinkled donut in front of him.

“Good evening sir! What can I get for you?” He asks

“Black coffee and a maple bar” I answer.

“So what took you so long?” Spike growled drinking his cocoa.

“Hey I wanted to be here but Twilight wanted the princess to know her favorite prisoner was still under control, got into an argument with the leader of the Wonderbolts and got into a chess match that took longer than I expected.”

“Did you win?” Spike asks.

“No... I didn’t” I growl as the coffee freshly baked dough is placed in front of me which I scarf down without a second thought.

Spike chuckles “You have to savor it-” he splits the multi colored pastry in half and slides my piece over “-So aside from nearly getting killed by Spitfire, how was the Gala?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely boring” I answer this time chewing the half-donut and tasting the different flavors then washing it down with the bitter taste of caffeine.

I may have failed to shorten my sentence but when the group walks in each with the look of humiliation and regret in their eyes I get the feeling that we were able to bring a little excitement into the Gala and if abusing the locals while causing millions of bits in property damage is exciting enough then I can’t wait for the next Gala.