Death Mansion

by Masterweaver

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Horror, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 5121

One important princess duty is checking in on the noble families... some of which, Twilight finds, are a mite peculiar.

Princess Celestia has decided, rather abruptly, that Twilight Sparkle needs to learn some of the minutae of running a government. Specifically, dealing with certain... noble entitlements, and the need to check in on their lands every once in a while. There is, in fact, one particular old family that needs, shall we say, just a little check in to be reminded, in a way, that they are purely technically speaking sworn to serve the crown. All Twilight needs to do is run a teensy little survey, which should only take a few days, and maybe befriend the ponies living there.

Her friends decide to come along as emotional support. But really, Twilight isn't that worried. It's just a name, after all. And they've faced down monsters before. It's incredibly unlikely to be dangerous, in any way whatsoever.

Published 2015-10-03 15:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-21 00:00:48 UTC

Duty

Celestia looked at the papers spread out in front of her, sighing in resignation.

"Why, whatever is the matter?" Luna asked her sister.

Celestia looked up. "You know how it was in the old days? Every ten years we'd go about to noble families, get their oaths of fealty, kick out the corrupt ones or whatever, and hop on back home in time for a feast." She waved her hoof across the papers scattered across the ground. "Nowadays, though, they've wrapped themselves up in the economy and enough political shenanigans that we need to get their oaths just to keep things stable--that, or be ready to replace them, because otherwise it'll be pure chaos." A low groan left her lips. "Even then, sometimes it's just impossible to extract them from the system..."

Luna quirked an eyebrow. "Ah, the joys of running a government. Do you know, the minotaurs have actually experimented with a republic of democratically elected executives?"

"Yes, I'm aware," Celestia grumbled. "Unfortunately, trying to switch over would cause a revolution, and we're already unstable enough with all the ancient threats returning and Twilight's new princesshood... I'll have to wait a generation or two. At least most of the nobles live in Canterlot these days..."

She began flicking papers into three different stacks, mumbling under her breath. Luna trotted closer, looking over her shoulder. "Might I be of assistance?"

"Mmm, sure. This stack is for ponies we have to slash want to keep on, this stack is for ponies we can cut, and this stack is for ponies that don't live in the city--the law requires a princess go visit them before we decide what to do with them."

"And... you don't need to check on Canterlot?"

Celestia grinned broadly. "There is a little loophole there; if they've attended the Grand Galloping Gala and just so happen to live in the city, it counts as a visitation." She peered at one paper, frowning a bit. "Unfortunately, the ones that catch on happen to be incredibly crafty, in my experience... I'm going to have to give Fleur a personal visit and make sure she hasn't gone into organized crime again."

"Mmm. Oh!" Luna held up a paper. "I was unaware Cadance came from a noble family!"

"She's a founder, actually. I was rather forced to give her a title after, well... after she grew a horn." Celestia shook her head. "Quite an uproar, all told--she didn't have any land to her name until the crystal empire returned, but she was considered a noble in training."

"Ah, that does make sense. And what of Twilight Sparkle?"

"Funny thing, actually. She came up with all her paperwork signed and dotted a week ago. All I need to do is visit her palace and give the official speech."

"Hmm. We'd expect nothing less of such an organized mare."

"Indeed."

The two of them sorted through the papers in amicable silence for a while longer.

Eventually, though, Luna found something that surprised her. "Ah... Sister?"

"Yes?"

"...do my eyes deceive me, or... is the Death family still considered part of the nobility?"

Celestia winced. "Oh dear. I'd almost forgotten about them, I had Cadance go last time..."

"I would have thought that, well, after the whole thing with... the wights--"

"The then-current lord Death made quite a convincing argument," Celestia explained.

"Really?"

"...yes. You see, he, ah, pointed out how there would always be some ponies who were tempted to use dark magics, and, well, it would be better if we knew how dark magic actually worked than to cut off research entirely. He... may have cited your transformation as a case study," Celestia added awkwardly, "this was... shortly after, you know, I, ah... enforced your leave of absence. As it were."

Luna frowned. "I see."

She gave the paper a once over.

"...I suppose what's done is done. They are still responsible in their experimentation, I presume?"

"Oh, certainly!" Celestia nodded rapidly. "In fact, given this whole thing--why don't you go visit them? I mean, a princess is going to have to anyway, and I'll be busy with Fleur's potential criminal empire--"

"I do not think I would be comfortable around ponies researching dark magic," Luna replied, putting the paper down carefully. "In point of fact, I would prefer to claim Cadance's paperwork."

Celestia deflated. "I... see. Well, I suppose that's fair enough, I can't really... force you to take on that responsibility...."

The darker alicorn narrowed her eyes. "...you don't seem too fond of visiting them yourself."

"Well, no! I mean--" Celestia cringed. "If they just researched dark magic, that would be fine. But they seem to go deliberately out of their way to act... unnatural." She shivered. "Nothing illegal--at least, nothing I can pin down--but their mansion is just strange and they just... Luna, I only had two real kinds of nightmares while you were gone. The first was that another pony I loved would succumb to, you know, what you did--or, you know, that you wouldn't ever be freed--and the second was visiting that mansion." She hugged herself. "The things I've seen there..."

Luna frowned. "I see... Well, it would seem we are at an impasse. You do not want to go, I... am still nervous around dark magic, Cadance is off in the crystal empire--"

She stopped, her eyes widening.

"...Luna? Luna, what are you--" Celestia eyes also snapped wide. "Oh. No. Nononono, we can't do that to her. No."

"Well... it's either her or you."

Celestia took a breath, let it out slowly. "No, I... I can't. I can visit Death Mansion. It.... it'll be like all the other times, except this time I didn't think about it so I didn't purchase my tea blend that would steel me up for it, so I'll be completely exposed to the whole horror the whole time I'm there and... and..."

She shivered.

"...and I can't do this. I can't go there. I shouldn't have been going so regularly..."

Luna rose her eyebrow.

With a tiny whimper, Celestia took the paper form her and grabbed a blank sheet. "Oh, I'm so, so sorry Twilight..." Her quill descended.

To my beloved former student, Twilight Sparkle...

Entrance

It was incredibly rare that ponies would look at Twilight Sparkle and confuse her for Pinkie Pie. One was purple, the other was pink. One had a consistently groomed mane, the other let hers poof and pwiffle with wild aplomb. One had a voice crafted by years of careful dictation and scholarly vocabulary, the other sang and twirled in a tongue rarely found in creatures larger than a rat. And of course there was the whole wings and horn thing the former had going, while the latter merely relied on intrinsically warping reality to suit whims which, while not exactly her own, did tend to pass through her mind in frequent bursts.

At this moment, though, the two of them had exactly identical smiles.

"We're almost there!" Twilight leaned out of the carriage, peering out one of the windows. "Oh my gosh, this is so exciting!"

"You bet it is! I've always wanted to visit a haunted house!"

Twilight's smile became distinctly less Pinkie-like. "Pinkie, I've told you this before: Death Mansion is not haunted."

From one of the other seats, Applejack let out a small chuckle. "Forget it, sugarcube. She's not goin' ta get it out of her head. 'Sides, you've gotta admit that a place called Death Mansion kinda conjures up certain expectations."

"It's just the name of the founding family," Twilight replied. "I've explained this! Quiet Death was a unicorn noble that was surprisingly progressive for the era he lived in--"

"--and he funded all sorts o' medical research and personally attended any funeral on his land, yes, Ah know. Mah point still stands."

"Yeah, well, if there's some sort of creepy crazy crud going on in Death Mansion, you guys have nothing to worry about." Rainbow Dash pounded a hoof. "I'll beat 'em up so hard that they'll run crying back to their graves!"

"But what if they're ghosts Dashie?" Pinkie leaned forward. "You can't beat up ghosts!"

Dash smirked. "Wanna bet?"

"There are no ghosts," Twilight repeated firmly. "Ghosts do not exist. And if they did, the whole point of what the Death family does is research, so they're probably in controlled laboratory containment."

Applejack quirked an eyebrow. "How'd ya go about containing a ghost?"

"That's what's so exciting! IF ghosts exist--which I still doubt, by the way--I'll be able to find out how to contain them here! Every form of dark magic is researched here, including necromancy!" She giggled. "All this unique knowledge, all the filed away experimental reports, it's going to be great!"

Four of the other five ponies in the carriage stared at her. The fifth one looked around, realized that everypony was staring at Twilight, and joined in with a shrug.

"...Darling, ah... how do I put this politely..." Rarity cleared her throat. "You do sound somewhat like the, shall we say, comic book villains right now who seek out science for science's sake and accidentally unleash hordes of unfashionable mechanical monstrosities."

"Oh please. I'm not that bad! I know how to exercise restraint--" Twilight blinked. "Wait. You read comic books?"

"....weeeeeeell, after that whole incident with the Power Ponies comic, I may have started delving into the culture..." Rarity absently patted her mane. "There are some remarkably deep and vivid stories buried in there, once you get past the spectacle that the mass production and short format force. And the costumes can be--but that is entirely besides the point." She leaned forward, giving her friend a very serious look. "While your taste for knowledge is legendary, there are some ponies who don't know you as well as we do and assume that it defines your every action. And expressing any interest in the dark arts, even purely academically, might lead to certain conclusions regarding your relative sanity which would be rather poor for your public image as a princess."

"Ugh, you sound just like Spike." The purple mare snorted. "He absolutely refused to come when I told him where I was going! Rambled on about zombies and vampires, I mean really."

"Do..." From the back, Fluttershy finally spoke up. "Do you think there might be zombies...?"

Twilight sighed. "Dark magic isn't just necromancy. Necromancy is only the most well known form of dark magic--look. Maybe there are zombies in highly monitored and carefully constructed laboratories. Maybe there's a vampire somewhere that is regularly fed blood which is ethically sourced, and watched by trained guards. The fact is, if those creatures exist--and with all the adventures we've been on, I'm temporarily suspending my disbelief--they won't be a problem, because the Death family has it all handled. So, please, relax, just enjoy the ride, and when we get there--"

The carriage rattled to a stop suddenly. Twilight frowned, looking out the window. "Huh. We've arrived."

"Really?" Dash gasped loudly. "I never would have guessed!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I was just making sure we hadn't stopped because of a roadblock or something. There's no need to be--"

Without any warning the carriage door was wrenched open by a large, hunched figure. Lightning backlit a canine face, half taken up by a fanged grin with a pair of slitted green eyes flashing at the startled ponies.

"I, GORE!"

Fluttershy let out a tiny shriek.

"....will be escorting you po-nays to master's mansion."

With that, the figure stepped to the side, gesturing with a large paw that ended in thick, clawed fingers. The ponies all took in the stout, clublike tail, the short legs, and the matted black fur under the tuxedo jacket.

Rarity was the first to speak. "Ah... begging your pardon, sir, but would I be correct in assuming you are, in point of fact, a diamond dog?"

The creature let out a wheezing laugh. "I, GORE! am related to diamond dogs, as being same creature. I, GORE! do not think of I, GORE! as diamond dog. Master raised me, so I, GORE! am strange looking po-nay."

"I see." With a small steadying breath, Rarity stepped out of the carriage. "I do apologize, sir, it's just that my friends and I have had... less than amicable encounters with diamond dogs. We did not mean to pass judgment. Ah, but where are my manners. I am Rarity, the bearer of the Element of Generosity, and this is of course Princess Twilight Sparkle--"

"I, GORE! am happy to meet young po-nay princess." The creature held out a clawed paw, gripping Twilight's hoof firmly as she exited the carriage. "So many new po-nay princesses these days. Pink princess, blue princess, purple princess... I, GORE! would not be SHOCKED! to find rainbow of princesses before I, GORE! move to the shadows." His chuckle was a grating sawblade between two closing walls. "But I, GORE! am being rude. Who other po-nays?"

Twilight grinned. "Oh, these are my friends, the other bearers of Harmony. This is Applejack, this is Rainbow Dash, this is Fluttershy, and this is--"

A pink blur hopped launched out of the carriage, gripping the paw of the wide-eyed diamond dog and shaking it like a maraca. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! It's superduperluper nice to meet you mister Gore!" She released her grip, twisting the paw up and pulling a gift wrapped box from her mane to stick into it. "I just love making new friends and I really hope that my stay here will be super fun!"

The diamond dog blinked, lifting the present to his eyes and shooting Twilight a look. "Ah... purple po-nay princess already good with dark magic, yes?"

Twilight coughed. "Not... really, actually. Pinkie's been like this ever since I met her."

Gore's eyes widened. Very cautiously, he lifted the lid of the package--sniffing at the scent that came from it. After a moment, he snapped it shut. "...master should know about you, pink po-nay..."

After a moment, he shook his head and turned to the armored pony hitched to the carriage. "Chanfron! Put cart in stables. I, GORE! will be there to pick up po-nay luggage after I, GORE! take guests to master."

With a creaking rattle, the armored pony began to slowly drag the ornate black vehicle down a particular dirt trail.

The diamond dog nodded, turning back to the ponies. "Come. Master is waiting to meet you." With a final wide grin--and a cautious glance at Pinkie--he began to lope along a cobblestone path.

As the six friends followed after the diamond dog, they took the chance to look forward toward their destination. It was obvious to all of them that the building in the fog had once been a castle, with the ramparts and outer wall still visible, but at some point a curved sloping roof had been attached to the central building and the towers now sported conical coverings of their own. Here and there, strange devices were attached to the slats, some spinning at various speeds and a few generating sparks. An entire portion of the front wall had collapsed long ago, revealing what might have been a garden once but now resembled a twisting nest of slumbering snakes. A few windows shone with light, most of it the normal color of a lit room and some of it an eerie orange shade. The gates, they noticed as they approached, were wide open; given the strange runes on the pillars to either side, and the cloaked statues gazing facelessly down at them from above, they dared not to imagine what would happen if the gates had been shut.

"Ah, Gore!" A bright voice shouted, accompanied by the rapid clippity clop of a stallion approaching. "I see you've found our guests, not that I ever doubted you of course--Ah, and what a lovely cadre they are!" The form coming from the mists soon resolved itself into a pebbly white unicorn stallion, absently brushing something off of his dapper coat. "I do apologize for not being outside the gates, but there was a minor situation in the gardens. All taken care of now, I assure you. Ah, but where are my manners!"

The stallion slicked back his shadow-black mane, a twinkle in his shocking blue eyes as he bowed. "I am Slaughter McMurderkill the fifth, esquire, and it is my great honor to welcome you to Death Mansion!"

No less than three bolts of lightning struck in rapid succession, thunder rolling through the fog around them.

"Terribly sorry about that," the unicorn continued without a pause, "Great grandpappy did do some experimentation with weather magic and, well, ever since then no pegasus has been able to clear this cloudbank. We have to import fog regularly, lift it up to the clouds and mix it in, just to keep the lightning from getting too overwhelming. Still, there are benefits, pure rain every week, natural source of electrical power--oh, pardon me, I should ask the names of you lovely ladies!"

The purple alicorn cleared her throat. "Ah, yes. I am Twilight Sparkle, princess of friendship, and--"

"Ah, Sparkle! That's right, you wrote the treatise on sympathetic cross-soul based magical harmonics!" The stallion shook her hoof with a chuckle. "Quite useful that one was. And a princess as well? Good to see a mare making her own way in the world!"

Twilight blushed just slightly. "Why--why thank you, mister... McMurderkill..."

"Oh, please, call me Slaughter. No need to be as formal here, after all, you're really the only living politician around for miles! And that means these other ponies must be your test subjects--" He cut off Twilight's protests with a wave and a chuckle. "Sorry, friends. A private joke, I assure you! Ah, but we've been standing around, why don't I take you all inside to meet the family?"

Slaughter turned around, whistling an odd tune as he led the way to the castle doors.

The mares all shared a look. Applejack was the first to speak. "Slaughter McMurderkill? The fifth?"

"It's... just a name," Twilight assured her. "Just like Death Mansion is just a name."

"I, GORE! Think master's name is very normal," agreed Gore.

"Could we possibly continue this debate inside?" Rarity asked fervently. "This fog might very well frizz my mane if we don't get moving..."

Rainbow nodded. "Yeah. I can't believe you're scared of this, Applejack!"

"Ah'm not scared! Just... uh... concerned, that's all."

Gore cleared his throat. "Are you po-nays just going to stand out here arguing?"

"Ah! Right." Twilight gave an awkward chuckle. "Rude of us! Uh... please, lead the way."

Acclimation

Candles flickered from a steel chandelier, bathing the foyer in twisting shadows and warm light as the ponies clipped in. Ornate benches of brass lined the side, a thick rug under the pony's hooves with patterns that bent the eyes and seemed to defy the laws of geometry. Their gaze was drawn forward to the meeting between the foyer and a long hall that stretched both left and right; more specifically, they were drawn to the statue that resembled, of all things, a giant octopus with shut eyes and a horde of lobsters crawling up its tentacles.

Fluttershy couldn't figure out why the statue chilled her soul when she looked at it.

Slaughter was almost the last one in, with only Gore behind him to swing the gates shut. As he passed the threshold, the unicorn waved to a suit of armor on his left with a smile. "You've already met Chanfron of course; he knows this castle better than anypony alive, so if you're ever lost just call for him."

Applejack blinked. "Um... wasn't he puttin' away our carriage?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes, Chanfron does a lot of things for us. Loyal family servant, and all that." The lord of the mansion gave the suit of armor a friendly pat. "We're all quite thankful for him, believe you me!"

"It's just... Ah thought he went down a different road, and now he's here all of the sudden--"

"He's quite resourceful," Slaughter McMurderkill explained simply.

Rainbow Dash hovered up to Chanfron, peering into the hollow metal round where its eyes would be. "...do you ever take that armor off?"

The sound of iron scraping slowly against iron growled ominously at her.

"...I'll take that as a no."

Slaughter chuckled. "Consummate professional, he is."

"Really?" Pinkie drawled, giving Chanfron a speculative look. "Even with the armor? His wife must have some interesting stories--"

A high-pitched unholy squeal suddenly echoed through the halls, and Slaughter rose an immaculate eyebrow. "Ah, it looks like news of your arrival has spread! I do hope you're prepared for this, your highness, she can catch some ponies off guard."

"W-What?!" Twilight backed toward the gate. "Who are you talking about?! What was that noise?!"

"Oh, did I forget to mention?" Slaughter chuckled as the squealing grew closer, ever closer. "I happen to have in this castle one of the most unpredictable, unnerving, and incomprehensible creatures that ponykind has ever had the... unique fortune to encounter. Very difficult to contain."

Twilight felt her tail pressed against the gate, eyes focused on the hall. "What?! What are you talking about?!"

The grin he shot Twilight was one she had seen before, but only on the face of a particular mishmashed entity. "You see, your highness... I have a daughter."

On cue, a small green filly skidded around the corner, accidentally bumping into the octopus statue and knocking off a few stone lobsters which glowed with blackened runes when they hit the floor. Her red eyes shone with unmitigated glee as she caught sight of the visitors. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! IT'S HER IT'S HER YOU'RE HER AND YOU'RE THE OTHERS AND YOU'RE ALL HERE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pinkie Pie agreed readily.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the filly continued.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pinkie explained.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" the filly cried.

"AHEM!" Rarity jammed a hoof in Pinkie's mouth before she could respond. "It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, darling. Might I ask your name?"

"Oh! Oh right right right, sorry!" The green filly stood up firmly, adjusting her frilly ebony dress and the two large frizzy black spheres that were tied behind her mane as she schooled her expression. "I am dame Frock, daughter to the current Lord, and I would like to welcome you to death mansion." She gave a polite little curtsy.

"My, what a well mannered young lady!" Rarity smiled at the young pony. "I'm sure we'll get along just--"

One of the filly's forelegs fell to the ground.

"...f...fine," the fashionista finished with a stammer.

"Oh, haha, whoops!" With an innocent giggle, the filly grabbed her leg and jammed it back into the sleeve. "I guess I shouldn't have been running so hard, huh? Don't worry, my head almost never falls off anymore!"

"That's good to know!" Pinkie chirped brightly.

"Yes, quite..." Rarity managed to gather her thoughts. "I must say, Frock, I've never--"

"Frock," the filly corrected. "Not Frock. You have to trill the r."

"My apologies, darling. I just wanted to ask, if I may, how you came to be so... discombobulated, as it were."

"She wandered where she shouldn't," purred a new voice as a limber, sleek blue mare rounded the corner, "and ended up briefly dead for her mistake. Fortunately, my husband was able to bring her back, for the most part. Frock, dear, you knocked one of the Charp off Squirk here."

"Sorry, momma!" Frock turned around and picked up the glowing lobster, planting it back on the base of the octopus's tentacles. "At least it wasn't the Krang, though..."

"It is still best to ensure the sea does not wake, dear." With a swish of her long cobalt mane and a sway to her slow steps, the mare locked her yellow eyes on Slaughter McMurderkill. "I take it these are the guests that you have been talking about all last week?"

"Ah, yes indeed. Ladies, this is Abattage de la Censure, my dear wife of all these years." Slaughter waved toward the assembled mares. "Batty dear, these are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and of course the alicorn is--

"--Princess Twilight Sparkle." The mare smiled with a sultry gaze, two points quite visible in her mouth. "I've had a peculiar interest in you ever since I heard your name." She reached out a leathery wing and trailed it slowly down her husband's back. "Does your family have any particular interest in, shall we say... blood drives?"

"...no?" Twilight cleared her throat. "We're really more of a stargazing family--well, I mean that's something we all like to do together--"

"Ah, the stars are wonderful things. Such a shame they're hard to see in this mansion, what with the weather acting like it does..." Batty wrapped a hoof around her husbanded, bringing her cheek to his. "Still, it does provide us a rather... fascinating home, all things considered. I'm sure Moldavite is quite glad of it."

"Who?"

"Ah, yes," Slaughter cleared his throat. "Moldavite, our groundskeeper. You'll have to forgive her absence, she's remarkably shy when it comes to visitors, and tends to remain out of sight unless she feels like she's needed."

"I just can't believe you're all really here!" Frock squealed. "Living legends! At my house! It's incredible!"

"Yeah, we're pretty great," Rainbow agreed.

"I mean, we've got princess Twilight, the night's purification and scholar of the forgotten!" Frock blit her lip. "I mean, I thought you'd be a darker shade of purple, but I guess some things are exaggerated..."

Twiligth glanced at her feathers. "Well, I've never really bothered with cosmetics--"

"And Fluttershy! THE FLUTTERSHY!" Frock bounded up to the surprised yellow pegasus. "Tamer of all manner of beasts, the eldritch and the mundane, personal friend to the Youngest of the Elders!"

"Oh! Um." Fluttershy blushed. "It's not that hard... youngest of the--?"

"Oh, and who can forget Pinkie Pie?" The filly was already bouncing over to the pink pony. "Is it true you have no fear? Can you really twist through the lost dimensions? Are you actually aware of the endless eyes?!"

"Yes, yeppers, and yepperoni!" Pinkie winked and leaned down conspiratorially. "That last one is a secret, though, don't tell anypony."

Frock giggled. "Alright, I won't. But it's such an honor to meet you!"

Rainbow rose an eyebrow. "A-hem."

"Oh, and of course we have the Watcher and the Schemer." Frock gestured at Applejack and Rarity. "I know it's not as glamorous as these others, but the fact that you're willing to take up the tedium while they handle their own abilities, you have NOTHING but my respect."

"Schemer?" Rarity protested.

"Ah'm startin' ta feel you're not gettin' tha right newspapers," Applejack grumbled.

"Ahem!" Rainbow repeated, oh so subtly striking a pose.

Frock gave her a long look. "...Oh, yeah. You're the fast one, right?"

Rainbow grinned. "Yep!"

"...huh. Cool, I guess."

"Now now, dear," Batty chided from her position draped across Slaughter's back, "there's no reason to be rude. I'm sure miss Dash has contributed to the group's success on numerous occasions."

"Oh my, speaking of rudeness!" Slaughter cleared his throat. "Here I've been standing about and letting you poor mares shiver in the foyer! I should really show you to your rooms."

"I, GORE! Shall go to retrieve po-nay's luggage." The dark diamond dog loped away at a frightening pace, kicking up a small breeze as he went through the small group of guests.

Batty tittered, dragging the hook of her wing through her husband's hair. "Always so eager to please, that pup."

"I told you he would be," Slaughter reminded her.

"That you did, that you did. Oh, Chanfron?" The mare looked to the suit of armor suddenly behind Rainbow Dash, who jumped away in shock. "Do be a darling and make sure I haven't left any of my... trinkets in the guest rooms?"

With a groan of metal, Chanfron began to walk away.

Rainbow quickly busied herself with brushing her wings off. "He's surprisingly quiet. You know, for such a heavily armored pony."

"Yeah, you get used to that," Frock replied casually. "Sometimes I think I see him, but it's just a mist cloud, and then BAM he's actually right behind me."

"Riiiiiiight." Rainbow smiled thinly. "Hey Twi, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Ah... sure?"

The two of them walked over to one of the benches. Rainbow coughed. "So, uh, you know what you were saying on the way here?"

"Yes?"

"About ghosts, zombies, and vampires?"

"Yes, Rainbow."

"And how they'd all be contained or something."

"Rainbow, please--"

The pegasus held up a hoof for a moment. Then she pointed at Chanfron. "Ghost." Then at Frock. "Zombie." And finally at Batty, who was teasingly nibbling on Slaughter McMurderkill's ear. "Vampire."

"Okay, first of all, those are all assumptions which could be false--"

"If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's either a duck or a darn good changeling."

"--and secondly," Twilight continued with a roll of her eyes, "they're all obviously reasonable if somewhat strange individuals, and can clearly be trusted not to terrorize the countryside. Think of it this way: They're good monsters, and they tell us how to fight the bad ones."

Rainbow looked at her askance. "Really."

"Yes. Really. Now come on, you're making us look bad!"

Twilight quickly trotted over to the group, flashing Slaughter an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Dash had a few worries, ridiculous things really. Now what was that about our rooms?"

"Oh yes, of course of course!" With a wide smile of his own, Slaughter slid out from under his wife and gave her a small peck on the cheek. "This way, please!"

As the stallion led them deeper into the castle, Abattage de la Censure sidled closer to Rainbow Dash. "I do apologize for my daughter's lack of tact," she said with a small smile. "Word of your accomplishments have reached her ears, but with the local weather she's not had much positive interaction with pegasi."

The mare snorted, giving her a wary look. "Yeah?"

"Oh, yes." Batty appreciatively let her eyes trace Rainbow's form. "You're very clearly an athlete just by looking at you, a hard working one at that."

"Heh, yeah." Rainbow let herself relax just a bit. "I do keep up my regimen."

"Oh, I can tell. But, you do share my daughter's lack of tact."

"Really?"

"The only time I want to be called a vampire," purred Batty, "is behind locked doors. Usually by my husband, but I certainly wouldn't mind if you joined us."

With a soft brush to the surprised mare's cutie mark, she moved forward to walk next to Slaughter.