Hackcheat is one Derpy Pegasus

by TheShadowVolt

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Random, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance
Length: 3191

Hackcheat is known simply for one thing; Derping things up.

When Hackcheat's actions cause him to become in a precarious situation that involved Muffins and miscommunication, how does he expect to save himself? By the power of muffins, of course.

Published 2015-10-03 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-03 21:00:02 UTC

Derping Muffins

Herein lies Ponyville in the proud nation of Equestria, where many Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns live in peace and harmony with one another, six of which are known as the Elements of Harmony. But today's tale wishes not to bother them with their daily embarrassing lives (As much as I'd like to) but rather, focuses more on a darker tale of two pegasi who; as madly in love they are; have taken a darker turn due to tragic misunderstandings. We look toward a seemingly normal two bedroom home that holds horrors no one shall ever bear notice to within the depths of this place. Many names are given to this humble abode, but there is one by far that is most known within Ponyville. Derpy's home. Now, without further ado. Lets jump head first into the events currently going on and tell this narrator that he- WAIT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FIRED?! Oh, Volt! I'm going to have a word with you!

……...

"How did I get myself into this mess? I've really gone and done it this time. I wonder if those muffins are still an option?" Hackcheat looked around once more his surroundings, the dim light in the basement of Derpy's home warranting more than enough goose bumps, let alone the fact he currently lies strapped to an old bed mattress by chains and has no free movement whatsoever. His host preparing upstairs before she returns to perform what dastardly deed she has in mind for her prey. Hack’s mind wandered back to a few minutes ago as he pondered to himself what could have happened in that short time that led him into the mess he was in now…

“Ooh, I’m so glad you could come! I heard you say you might want to go out sometime and I thought a good chat over muffins would be just muffin! So then I thought about baking some muffins because, you know, muffins are delicious and everyone loves muffins so then I got the idea to invite you over for muffins and now here you are! Isn’t that silly?”

Come to think of it. How did he not think Derpy’s attitude was a bit off at that time? Love makes ponies blind I suppose. Following the entry, they went inside, had a little chat over muffins, tossed in a few flirts and then as he turned around to put his plate up, got hit in the back of the head by… Something rock hard. A pan maybe? No, it was too round to be a pan… Anyways, after being hit, he woke up chained to this bed in what seemed to be a basement by his guess, otherwise the stairs heading upward would be pretty out of place. What was Derpy planning to do anyways?

As if to answer his silent question, the door opened as Derpy started to walk down them, a silver tray in her grasp which contents could not be discerned from the angle he was viewing her from. There was however one thing that did scare him. That apron. Why is it that the apron Derpy was covered in painted with blotches of a deep red, and looked like it hadn’t been used in ages? Other than that, Derpy’s bright smile and cheerful look would have been a welcomed sight to see any day of the week. After trotting down the stairs and placing the tray down on a nearby desk, she pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bed, looking down upon the Pegasus before her, the masked hint of sadness behind those eyes. She looked away and seemed to be trying to gather the right words to say, but every time her mouth opened, only silence followed. The process repeated several times, giving Hackcheat more than enough time to go over the details further and possible solve what he could possibly have done wrong.

“What did I do to deserve this?” pain struck hard on Hack as he heard Derpy’s voice, the sadness enforcing the same pain as a knife through the heart. He turned and look toward her, only now apparent of the pain she was feeling inside. He felt as though he should say something, but anything he said could possibly turn the situation even more sour than it already was, so he decided to be patient and wait for an opportunistic moment to reply. “I thought everything was going well Hack… Why were you about to leave me?”

“Well I have to go meet Kaede before she starts to wonder where I am.” Hack almost regretting uttering those words the moment the sting of betrayal hit Derpy’s face, and a solemn look took hold.

“Why her? HER of all ponies?! I see you two together at the same time everyday! What is with you two?! It hurts me every time I see you both together just having a good time or argument over the smallest things…” Oh, thats whats going on. I guess I should probably explain that little bit… Hack opened his mouth to try and explain what he could.

“But Derpy, you’re all wrong! You see-”

“I don’t want to hear about how she was there first or any other excuses you might have!” Before continuing her sentence, Derpy turned toward the table next to her and picked up a small key. “I’ve been watching you from afar for a while now, and until she showed up, I was almost ready to make my move! But… After I saw how much fun you both had together… I thought… I might be too late… So, I got to thinking…” Without a moments hesitation, she took the key and swallowed it whole, struggling for only a slight moment before she continued. “If I can’t have you, no one can! And now that I have you here, I can keep you away from Kaede, and stop her from taking what belongs to me!”

Hack gulped and prayed to himself that wasn’t the key to his cuffs, otherwise being released from the bed might become quite a pickle. Before he could let the situation get further out of hand, he decided now was as good a time as ever to nick the problem in the bud before it grew much larger. “But Derpy, you’ve got it all wrong, I swear! You see-” Derpy quickly raised a chainsaw from the table, revving it up and raising it high into the air above her as an anger burned in her eyes.

“See what?! Huh?! You never liked me, is that what you were going to say?! ...Well?!” She held her pose for several more seconds, waiting for the answer she was hoping to be what she guessed. Little did she know, the next sentence would throw her course of action far away from where it was.

“You see… Kaede… Is Kinda… Sorta… Ah fuck it, Kaede is my sister, okay? There is ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US AND NEVER WILL BE.” Derpy’s entire stature froze as nervous sweat drops started to emerge, oiling her fur with its disdain. Her pupils shrunk as she tried to process what she had just heard. After a few moments, the chainsaw was harmlessly dropped and skid across the floor a few meters away before it shut off, and she flopped back down into the chair she had been sitting in previously.

“Your… Sister…?”

With a delightful sigh Hack nodded in relief, glad to know he avoided becoming cooked Pegasi wings at a local diner or something. Possibly even sushi with how small the parts might have been cut down to? “Yeah, my sister. Why didn’t you just ask earlier?” His words fell on deaf ears as it seemed Derpy was still reeling from before, and just when he thought she would finally accept the revelation and talk it out, the realization of what she had done hit her like a sack of bricks. She knocked him out with a rock hard muffin, dragged his unconscious body into her basement and chained him up to an old mattress, where she would (have kept) keep him from now on, serving him her own brand of muffins each day.

Without another moment’s hesitation, she squeezed Hack as hard as she could in a hug, tears dripping down onto his shoulder as she started to bawl her eyes out. “I’m so sorry about all of this! When I heard you were leaving to go meet up with Kaede, I thought I did something wrong, and then I didn’t know what I was doing, and then you were unconscious! Then I panicked, and then I dragged you downstairs into my basement and strapped you up without a hesitation and- oh I’m just so sorry about all of this! I don’t care what you do, I’ll let you go if you want, just please forgive me for the terrible mistake I’ve made just now. Please just forgive me…” Derpy stared into his eyes, her eyes stained from her tears and fur matted down from where the streaks have been flowing, the hope of forgiveness boring into his very soul.

Hack stared back, and could feel the crushing sting of guilt for all that had happened. He should have introduced his sister or at least talked about her before, in order to avoid much of the mess that had occurred here today. He had to do something to fix this, all of this. And as many thought crossed his mind, there was one thought that didn’t, however his body acted on its own and fulfilled the role for him. In the split second it happened, his mind went blank from shock, did backflips in glee, then reeled back in guilt for taking advantage of such a situation. The next thought that crossed his mind was the only thought that filled the void that was his thought process for the next few minutes. He was kissing Derpy. And she was kissing back.

Now, I could go into detail at how this moment felt as though it lasted a millennia for the two, or how they felt skittles could start pouring out of the sky with cats and dogs and not a single care in the world would be felt for them. But in reality, it was a short kiss, that lasted a few seconds. Nothing more, and nothing less. Now, I’ll be right back. I’ve got to go have another word with Volt about this temporary job thing…

When the two finally parted and opened their eyes once more, Hack could see the sadness and hope once etched on Derpy’s face was replaced with a broad smile, the tears once flowing like a fountain before barely at the tips of her eyes, as they no longer needed to be shed. She hugged him softly in an embrace and cuddled against him, were without complaints he remained in place. (Then again, he is shackled to the bed…)

Hack didn’t want to feel rude, but he could feel the shackles start to hurt and felt it was time to, well, be released from that burden at least. “Eheh… Excuse me.. Derpy?”

“Mmm… Yes..?”

“Can you… Maybe… Unlock me from these shackles please?”

Derpy shot up as she quickly scrambled over to her desk, tripping over a few small objects on her way over. “I can’t believe I forgot you were still chained up, I am so sorry about that! I’ll get you out in just a second!” After shuffling through a few drawers, a small box was revealed in her grasp, that when opened held one small silver key. She plucked the key from its resting place and trotted back, more calmly than before as to avoid tripping any further.

After unlocking the final shackle, Hack sat up and rubbed his sore hooves, the clamps of the steel having left red marks along their grasp. “I’m going to feel those for a while.”

Derpy laughed nervously, rubbing a hoof through her mane. “Sorry… Again…” Hack looked over and smiled, hopping off the bed and giving her a tight hug.

“It’s alright, I forgive you. So, think it’d be alright to go ahead and go now? As much fun as I’m having here… I don’t think a basement is the best place to hang out.” Hack started to walk toward the stairs as Derpy nervously stood in place, brushing her hoof back and forth along the ground.

“Remember that key I kinda sorta swallowed…?”

No… It couldn’t be…

He reached for the handles on the door at the top of the stairs and attempted to turn them. Locked.

“The key was kinda… sorta… maybe… For the basement door… Oopsie!” Hack slowly turned back with a nervous smile on his face.

He sat down on the bottom steps and asked in a slight panicked voice, “You mean we’re trapped here now? As in, no-way-to-get-out-and-going-to-die-here trapped?”

“For now…”

“Wait, what do you mean for now? You swallowed the key to the door!”

“I thought this through you know! I thought you might try to escape to go see Kaede so I needed to secure you temporarily just in case. Someone else was just going to.. well.. Open it from the other side when they got here.”

Hack’s panic started to dim down as he was able to thank celestia he wouldn’t die in a dark basement after his life had “Just begun” as most would put it. “So, umm… How long are we going to be trapped down here…?” Derpy gave a soft smile and replied in a tone so straightforward, it was almost scary.

“Until my little sister Ditzy arrives and unlocks it silly. How else would the door get unlocked?” Hackcheat’s eye twitched for a few moments before he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed it all out.

The remainder of the time they spent in the basement was spent in relative silence. They sat at the top of the stairs together, Derpy leaning on Hack’s shoulder as his outstretched wing wrapped around her, tugging her in tightly. There they sat, whether it was minutes, or hours, they couldn’t tell. They enjoyed their silent embrace all the while. A great big content smile plastered on both of their faces. Unbeknownst to them both, as they drifted off into slumber upon those steps, the key to their freedom slowly started to finish up their classes for the day and start heading back home.

After what seems like hours of bliss passed, the shutting of the front door seemed to stir them from their slumber, the sound of not one voice, but two permeating the walls and into their eardrums. After a few moments, one voice died out as the sound of one pair of small hoof-steps approached the door behind them.

“Derpy, I'm home!” The voice called out, catching the pegasus' attention, “I also made a new friend on the way over here! Come up and say hi!” she groaned internally, not wishing to break the embrace she had already locked in, but knowing full well what her sister would do if she didn’t go to her soon. Nudging her sleeping partner next to her, she waited patiently for Hackcheat to wake up before releasing her grip on him… which in turn caused him to lose balance and fall down the stairs they had been resting on… Giggling nervously, she brought a hoof over her mouth to suppress it was much as possible.

“Hehe. Oops.”

Hackcheat only snorted in response before getting up and walking back up the steps. Meanwhile Ditzy approached the door and was fumbling with the keys in order to unlock it, releasing the two pegasi from their imprisonment. They exited the basement together and headed toward the main room to greet their guest, chatting a little with Ditzy in tow when Hackcheat's ears twitched with a tinge of fear as the guest's voice reached his ears from her lips.

“I come to visit Derpy and who do I find with her?” Crimson Dawn, also known as Kaede, giggled at the expression on her brother’s face. “I’m glad you finally got a mare friend.” Hackcheat immediately turned his attention toward the unexpected appearance(?) of his sister, his world jumbling around in his mouth as an incoherent sentence is formed out of… sounds. As if the situation couldn’t get any worse, Ditzy poked her head from between Hack’s legs as she walked toward her, perking up.

“You know Derpy’s little Hack-a-lack? That makes things even better! Hey, we should all talk over muffins! How does that sound big sis?” The little filly’s eager stare easily brought Derpy into a hearty smile, the sound of muffins sounding just perfect on a day that’s gone… so much better than expected. With a nod and a motioning toward the kitchen, everyone was lead by the bubbly pegasus toward their seats as she began baking up a new batch of muffins.

Turning toward Hack, Kaede softly smiled as she nudged him for his attention. “She’s a keeper little brother. Take good care of her, alright?”

Hack’s eyes drooped as he looked over at Derpy, his mind being lost in another world as he absentmindedly replied with a mellow tone, “Yeah. I don’t think I could do her wrong if I wanted to.”

“How many different ways do you think you can do her hmm?” Kaede’s sultry voice snapped Hackcheat back into reality as his mind flushed with the many… Interpretations… of Kaede’s hidden message, heat rising and coursing through his veins, betraying his own attempted charade to play it off. As if to make matters worse, when Hackcheat turned back to watch Derpy contently, she must have noticed the blush forming as her movements became more exaggerated, swaying her hips back and forth as she hummed an innocent tune.

“Oww…” Hackcheat banged his head against the table to distract himself as his thoughts got more and more perverted, presenting the audience around him with a loud thump.

Ditzy and Kaede giggled softly, attempting to control themselves before bawling into full blown out laughter, Ditzy asking between fits of laughter, “W-why would you do something like that?!”

The rest of the meal was filled with laughter and obnoxious shouting, all varying from outbursts of shock to denials of embarrassment from one such pegasus. As they finally bid their goodbyes, Kaede and Hackcheat disembarked back into the winter day, catching only a slight glimpse of the town's residential Librarian and Weather patrol Captain darting with haste, but chose to ignore it. Whatever trouble they were getting into, they didn't want to be any part of it, and continued along their way.

...Little did they know, Fate had other plans ahead.

END...?

Author's Note

This is merely a one shot I made that involved my friend's OC and his crush, Derpy. The full story I have been scheming and soon to be releasing (Hopefully) Will have hints to this, and may include Hackcheat sometime, but only time will tell, will it not?