Author note:
If you don’t know who Bruce Lee is, you probably won’t like this story. He’s very difficult to write about without making him sound like a Mary Sue, so I didn’t even try.
Happy reading, and please leave your Chuck Norris comments at the door.
Bruce Lee in Equestria
Twilight Sparkle hurried down the street. The purple unicorn was meeting her friends for lunch and didn’t want to be late. She had organized the meeting because there was something she wanted to discuss with them.
The small café had an outdoor eating area and she found her five friends waiting for her. They all said hello as Twilight sat down.
“What was so important that we all needed to meet?” asked Rainbow Dash, a sky-blue pegasus with a multicolored mane.
“Well,” said Twilight, “I wanted to talk about Bruce.”
“Ah think he might be visitin’ the orchard right now,” said Applejack with her distinctive accent. The orange earth pony pushed her hat back thoughtfully. “He thinks kickin’ trees is good exercise. Ah’m right glad to have his help applebuckin’.”
“I saw him climbing trees, not kicking them,” said Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus smiled and brushed aside part of her pink mane. “He said he was carrying some baby birds back to their nest and getting strength training at the same time.”
“Good, he’s not in town, then. I wanted to surprise him,” said Twilight.
“Oooh, like with a party?” asked Pinkie Pie, her frizzy magenta mane and pink-coated body quivering with excitement.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’ve already thrown him so many parties, I doubt he would be surprised anymore, Pinkie. Instead, how about we get him a gift? He’s been such a help around here, we should show how grateful we are.”
“I think it sounds like a splendid idea,” put in Rarity, a white unicorn. She propped her chin on her hoof in thought, her styled indigo mane falling on part of her face. “But what should we get?”
“That’s a tough question,” said Twilight.
Just then, a bipedal creature walked by. He was taller than the ponies and mostly hairless, save for a dark patch on top his head. His skin was dark and bronzed, and he wore a white shirt with buttons over loose black trousers.
“Hello!” he called cheerfully.
The six ponies at the table waved and greeted him in return.
“Where are you off to, Bruce?” asked Rarity.
“I’m just going down to the quarry.” He shrugged. “They say they have some boulders that need to be split.”
“Ah never will forget the day he came here,” said Applejack once the man was out of earshot. “Tumbled right outta the sky.”
“Lucky that old barn was there to break his fall,” said Rainbow.
“And then you didn’t need to spend time taking the barn down because he did it for you,” pointed out Pinkie.
“I certainly appreciate how much time he spends working towards perfection in his life,” said Rarity. “Such dedicated training.”
“I’ll say,” agreed Rainbow. “That sure did come in handy all those times when we had to fight bad guys. I swear, he practically took care of the Changeling invasion all by himself. And Nightmare Moon - who knew you could just beat evil out of somepony?”
“And he’s so in tune with nature,” gushed Fluttershy. “I’ve never seen a creature meditate like he does, and he loves animals so much.”
"Well," said Twilight, "he's been working so hard that he's practically replaced the Elements of Harmony. The entire town has benefited economically because we don't have scary monsters running around having epic battles and destroying things anymore. And he never asks for anything in return!"
The other ponies agreed enthusiastically. “So it’s settled then,” said Twilight. “Let’s go find Bruce a gift!”
The six of them finished their lunch and set off. “Where are we goin’?” asked Applejack.
“We don’t really know what Bruce likes, so how about we just search around until we find something that looks good? I mean, how else do you shop for gifts?” said Pinkie.
The six of them looked around town for a while without finding much that they thought Bruce would like. They found themselves walking towards the Everfree Forest.
“There might be some roots or leaves in there we could make a nice tea from,” suggested Fluttershy.
“Sounds good,” said Twilight. The six of them entered the forest.
“Which way should we go?” asked Rarity.
“I think maybe—” Twilight was cut off as an angry growl rumbled through the forest. A dozen or so timberwolves emerged from the undergrowth. They spread out and surrounded the ponies.
The six friends edged closer together. “Uh, maybe we should leave,” suggested Applejack.
“Good idea,” said Twilight. Her horn glowed and the six of them teleported away to a different part of the forest.
“That was close,” said Rainbow.
Twilight shook her head, a little dazed from the spell. “I guess we just picked the wrong place to look. Maybe we can find something for Bruce here.” She looked around, examining the meadow the six of them had appeared in.
“Hey look!” said Pinkie. “All these flowers would be really nice. I mean, at first glance Bruce doesn’t seem like the frou-frou kind of guy who likes flowers, but they’re really pretty and I bet he appreciates a good floral arrangement as much as anypony.”
Rarity shrugged. “I certainly prefer searching for a gift here rather than over by those nasty timberwolves.”
“Um, do the rest of you see that big manticore over there?” asked Fluttershy. All of them turned to look where she was pointing. A large creature that looked like some combination of lion and a scorpion trotted out of the trees, licking its lips hungrily as it looked upon the ponies.
“Do something, Fluttershy!” shouted Rainbow. “Use the Stare or something!”
“I can’t do it on command!” squeaked the yellow pegasus.
“Gather around, I’ll teleport us again!” said Twilight. She whisked the ponies away once more in a flash of purple light.
“Horseapples,” said Applejack. “Where are we now?”
Twilight groaned. It was tiring using so much magic at once.
“This place looks like Froggy Bottom Bog,” said Fluttershy.
“Maybe there’s a…hmm,” said Pinkie, thinking. She shrugged. “I’ve got nothing. I don’t know what we could possibly find here that Bruce would like.”
There was a sudden, terrible noise. A hydra reared up out of the bog, its four heads roaring in some kind of sinister harmonic chorus.
"You've got to be kidding me!" shouted Rainbow.
Twilight tried to use her teleport spell again, but it fizzled into nothing after using it twice in quick succession. “Get out of here!” she shouted, turning to dash away.
“How do you have enough energy to run if you’re too tired to do magic?” Applejack demanded, galloping alongside her.
“It’s probably got something to do with the fact that her horn is nowhere near her legs,” suggested Pinkie. “I mean, if my horn was on my head, it’d be pretty far from my legs, too. I don’t actually have a horn, though, because that would be the—”
“Worst possible thing!” interrupted Rarity with anguish. “How do we manage to get into these situations?”
“Less talk, more run!” shouted Twilight.
“Ohmygosh, is that the manticore from earlier?” said Pinkie.
“And the timberwolves!” cried Rarity.
The other creatures came charging at the ponies, competing with the hydra to see which of them would get there first. With no better plan, the six mares kept going as fast as they could, straight towards Ponyville.
In town, Bruce was reading a book on philosophy with one hand and doing pull-ups with the other. He looked up to see a dozen timberwolves, a manticore, and a hydra pursing six ponies down the center of the street. Bystanders leaped out of the way and retreated into their homes. Twilight saw Bruce running to intercept the dangerous creatures. “No…!”
Bruce did a spinning kick that landed in the manticore’s face. It roared in pain and tried to jab him with the barb on its tail. He quickly blocked the attack, his hands moving too fast to see. Dropping to the ground, he put the creature into a leg lock and pinched its pressure points, knocking it unconscious.
The timberwolves charged at the man. He avoided the snapping teeth of the first two in line, and grabbed them by the backs of their necks, one in each hand. With a quick toss, the two wolves flew through the air helplessly, knocking aside the group of their fellows.
Behind Bruce’s back, the hydra reached down with all of its mouths, intending to snag him. He turned at the last second, punches and kicks from his respective limbs striking all four of the hydra’s heads simultaneously. The beast reared back, and Bruce kicked its legs out from under it. The hydra fell with a heavy thud.
The man walked over to where the six ponies were standing with their mouths agape. Twilight stuttered, “We-we just wanted to get you a gift…”
Bruce smiled. “Thank you, it was a great challenge. It’s the best gift I have ever received.” He dusted his hands off and walked away.
Now with more Chuck Norris
Author note:
You may now employ your Chuck Norris comments.
It had been a very strange day for Twilight. First, she accidentally cast an incomplete spell that swapped all her friends’ cutie marks around, then upon finding a solution she had teleported away into a strange metaspace purgatory to watch replays of all her previous awesome displays of friendship. If that wasn’t bad enough, she had scared everypony by disappearing in a magic explosion and had only returned hours later, long after they thought she was dead.
The worst part, however, was yet to come. After calming her panicked friends, their first questions were What happened? and Why are you suddenly a Princess?
Twilight examined the wings that had sprouted from her back, curious at the feeling and unsure of the significance. It was fortunate that Princess Celestia, the alicorn with answers, appeared just then. Less fortunate was the news she delivered.
“Princess duties are very serious and important to Equestria, Twilight.” Celestia put on a convincing expression that usually worked on her student. “You’ll need to develop a place in the government, get to know politicians, take on royal responsibilities, and be the leader of huge groups of needy ponies. You’ve completed your lessons on making friends, so you’ll have to move back to Canterlot and get a real job.”
“But…but…” This was the last thing Twilight expected, and she wasn’t quite sure how somepony could ever finish learning about friendship.
Seeing her consternation, Bruce stepped away from the crowd of townsponies that had gathered and approached the two alicorns. “Twilight, you seem a bit overwhelmed.”
“I…I didn’t ask for this,” was all the purple pony managed to stammer.
Bruce knelt low, putting himself at her eye level. “I can help.”
“You can?” asked Celestia, rather flatly.
Bruce nodded and stood up. “I’ll need some assistance, but it shouldn’t take long.”
He folded his hands and closed his eyes. A few seconds passed and nothing happened. Suddenly, a pony standing nearby gasped and pointed at the night sky. A fiery comet was descending from the heavens, much the same way Bruce himself had arrived.
The incoming projectile landed at the end of the street, cratering the cobblestone with an earth-shaking impact. As the smoke cleared, a tall figure appeared.
He wore jeans and boots, with a tan vest over a blue denim shirt. Applejack swooned slightly at the sight of his black cowboy hat. A silver Colt 1911 rode on his belt. His gaze squinted slightly, letting everypony in the area know that his eyes were upon them. His beard was the stuff of legend.
Bruce approached, extending a hand. “It’s very good to see you again, Chuck.”
“You too, Bruce.” The new arrival looked around. “What’s the problem?”
Bruce nodded in the direction of Twilight. She still had not managed to quell her wingboner at the sight of Bruce and Chuck standing side by side.
Chuck nodded in understanding. “Let’s do this.”
As both men knew, the simple act of two badasses teaming up resulted in exponentially more than double the amount of awesome than each working alone. They approached Twilight, Chuck positioning himself a few steps back and turning slightly sideways.
Bruce nodded to Twilight. “Close your eyes. This will be over soon.”
No sooner had Twilight’s eyelids shut than the two men nodded to each other and set their unspoken plan into motion. Reality blurred as Chuck executed a spinning roundhouse kick concurrent with Bruce’s lightning-fast punch. Laser scalpels wielded by robots could not have more perfectly amputated Twilight’s wings. The twin forces of nature were so fast that she felt not a thing. In fact, the skin on her back promptly healed and Twilight gained the title of the only being in the universe to have ever survived being hit by both Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris.
The force of the operation had to go somewhere, however. It bent space and time, reaching across several universes to explode the typewriter of a man named M.A. Larson and every cent that a company named Hasbro had ever given him. This all occurred without doing any physical harm to anyone, because the mark of a true martial artist is never using more force than necessary.
In Ponyville, there were several seconds of silence. The sonic boom of the twin attacks was just fading. Celestia blinked, having been temporarily blinded by a flash brighter than the sun. Well, if Twilight was no longer a viable candidate, then she would need another to induct to Princesshood. She did not consider either Bruce or Chuck. Either of them could bend the government inside out with a mere word. They both commanded so much admiration and respect that the immortal sun goddess could not help but feel inadequate. She left them be to make a new Princess plan.
Bruce and Chuck took a walk. There seemed to be something on Bruce’s mind, and Chuck gave him time to think. He was rather philosophical, and could dazzle with brilliance just as much as physical prowess.
“I was considering a change of scenery,” said Bruce.
Chuck nodded. “Did you have any place in mind?”
Bruce thought. “Perhaps traveling to the moon?”
Miles away, in the city of Canterlot, Princess Luna popped a surprise wingboner so hard the castle exploded.
