A Self-Insert Fanfiction; A Story In Which I am Transported to Equestria
I tend to go off on a lot of tangents, so I'll make this simple.
For sake of argument, let's assume the following: you are seventeen years old and your occupation is a high school student; you are of average stature, average build, average intellect, average wit, and average looks; the grandest of your aspirations in the present is to graduate successfully from high school; your long term plans include getting into an esteemed art school and majoring in illustration; if becoming a commercial artist doesn't check out, opt for Plan B and use your minor in creative writing to become an novelist (or at least a very well-made columnist); as a last resort, the past twelve years you've spent preforming classical music should get you recommended somewhere decent. The goal here is to become a proper and functioning member of society.
Now take all this information and make it yours. Even if it doesn't really feel natural, at least make an effort; what happens next won't mean much of anything to you if you don't.
Rather, these next words wouldn't be believable or rational if you don't.
"I refuse."
I stood there in a grand hall that I'm sure would have looked great on television or a computer monitor - but in my eyes, being there, it looked so painfully contrived and artificial that it sort of hurt to look at. It was definitely nothing I ever wanted to get used to.
"I'm sorry," I continued, "but I just can't. I can't do it."
Who am I talking to, you ask? That would be Princess Celestia, the great ruler of Equestria. Again, she was a sight that I'm sure was excellent for viewing in 2-D, on a screen, in the comfort of an armchair with the thermostat blasted high - but in that moment, she and those guards at her side really just rubbed me the wrong way.
To my words, she responded patiently, "I understand your feelings, human. To be transported here against your will using teleportation magic that can somehow transcend physical dimensions and destroy the boundary separating fictional and real even though such a concept has never been explored in our canon must be disorientating beyond what can be imagined - but please, hear our plea."
"And I'm telling you," I responded a little hotly, "I can't do it! I honestly can't."
Princess Celestia's brow furrowed a bit as she opened her mouth to speak again, but I cut in --
"No, I'm sorry, but you really aren't getting it."
I sighed roughly and shoved my fists into my jacket pockets, a bit of a bad habit of mine when I don't know what to do with my hands.
"Look, I know exactly what you want me to do. I know exactly why too - it's predictable and it's cliché to high hell!"
Princess Celestia stared down at me intently. After a moment passed, she spoke again,
"Very well. Let's hear it then, human - your 'prediction'."
I was starting to get tired of standing so solidly, so I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and continued.
"Okay, so let me guess..
I'll start with assuming that this has something to do with you guys."
It was at this moment that I acknowledged a certain crowd of ponies to my left. There stood the "Mane Six," in meticulous order - Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.
"The Elements of Harmony are malfunctioning due to some mysterious cause," I state in monotone, "and all the magic and knowledge in the world won't explain why until you summon a creature from another dimension to balance the great flow of magic."
I paused here and looked to Princess Celestia.
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, but that's not right."
"Oh, I.. uh.."
I scratched the back of my head.
"Give me another try. I'll get it this time."
"Very well. Proceed."
Shifted my weight again. Cleared my throat.
"Equestria has some sort of problem, yeah? A monster, some unstoppable force, oo~ooh, pretty scary.
And then? Woah, it turns out your strongest magic and weapons don't work on it! Legends say that only a creature summoned from another realm can seal the beast for good, and who would've guessed? All the creatures you've kidnapped so far haven't succeeded - but due to my mysteriously high power level readings, you think I actually have a chance!"
I finished there. Celestia sat there for a moment, looking pensive.
She leaned over to one of her guards and began conversing in low voices. The guard unscrolled some kind of parchment. Both had complicated expressions written on their faces.
"He actually got it this time.."
Crap, I did? Woah, am I actually amazing or something?
In all reality, I think that was the synposis for a fanfiction I'd skimmed once or twice on the net. Who would've known, huh?
"Do you understand now?" I said with a tone of finality, "by that logic, you don't need me specifically! Literally any other human being on Earth who's into this show will suffice! I'm serious!"
"Show?" Celestria repeated inquisitively.
"Nevermind," I waved passively with my left hand, "point is, there's a literal legion of people waiting on the planet I come from that can do the exact same thing I can, but actually want to do it! Seriously! They probably don't have anything better to do anyways!"
"Hey now," Applejack chose this unfortunate opportunity to speak up, "I aint' keen on you badmouthing other ponies like that without them even bein' here--!"
"No, it's true! Really! People write chapter books based exactly upon what they would do if they were in my situation! That's the kind of obsession I'm talking here."
I sighed, brushed a bit of hair out of my face and continued,
"Look, don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying you guys deserve to suffer with whatever you've got going on here, - I'm just saying there's an easy way for both of us to get what we want, and that I have actual things to do. I have a life - a real, honest to god life - outside of this little dream realm that need to be done! Hell, I'm in the middle of advancing to the next stage of my career here! Do you have any idea what kind of impression I'd give to the admissions offices if I submit my college applications late? This is the difference between a life in the sheets and a life on the streets here!"
In spite of myself, my words and my tone became increasingly indignant.
"Not to mention a long-term vacancy from school is basically a death sentence in and of itself! Seriously, a fourth year who doesn't finish their last year of public schooling because they went on an adventure? How is that supposed to benefit me? Does "saved a fictional land from certain doom" look good an a resume? Does "fell victim to a dog-eared setting in which he was the sole human hero who could do amazing things in a parallel universe" make use of any of my actual good points? What, are you saying you can write me a recommendation letter, your Highness? Oh, that would be rich! Yeah, it'd be amazing! Just make sure to sign your name at the bottom and stamp the envelope, include the little details like the return address, cause the just don't do postal like they used to, huh?"
I sighed, at the end of my rant.
"H-hold on now!" Twilight Sparkle also chose a bad moment to speak up. "I can't let any of this slide!"
I groaned.
"We know now that you'd be missing out on a lot of your normal life, but--!"
"But nothing! You can't possibly justify favoring the rescue of a storybook world over a real, tangible one!"
"Come now, partner!' Seemed like it was Applejack's turn. "No need to be a spoilsport about it! You can just get it done right quick and we'll have you home in no time--!"
"Really? And how can you be sure of that? You do know stories like this always start out with 'a few days,' but always end up turning into lifetimes, right?"
A little confunded, Applejack took a step back and thought on my words for a bit.
"Oh, just give it up man!" Rainbow Dash spoke with all the grace and flair of a rampaging elephant. "Why don't you just do it? It'll be cool! It'll be beyond cool! It'll be so awesome, you'll--!"
"I'll what?!" I almost yell, "I'll what? I already told you, there's nothing for this ordeal! Nothing! Zero! I can't even begin to imagine how you could describe any of this as 'cool' when you don't know the first thing about me!"
"Now, now, dear, please--"
"Don't get me started on you!" I turned towards Rarity with what I'm sure was disdain in my eyes. "I can already tell you'll be saying something stupid about how you'll want to fashion clothes for my body because the sheer curiosity will just be unbearable about threading clothes for a new kind of species!"
Rarity bit her lip, a complicated expression on her face. Come on, at least tell me I'm wrong.. please.. all of that just now was sheer improvisation, don't be defeated by just that!
"But your hands! Your wonderful, human hand--!"
"Seriously, where the hell do you keep showing up from?"
Another few minutes of this shouting match between me and the major cast of the show. It was Celestia who broke the silence, still catching a bit of breath herself.
"Goodness, I'm.."
She and the others seemed to be at a loss for words. I think the meaning of my words really did reach them.
"I certainly do apologize.. I cannot say I had any idea you were of such.."
"I guess were were kind of.. in the wrong," Twilight said, hanging her head meekly.
"If you go an' say all that, I aint' got nothin'.." said Applejack, looking equally as reserved.
"Yeah, that wasn't really rad of us.." Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy nodded in agreement without word, averting her eyes.
"We certainly did make fools of ourselves thinking that we could make you do this.. terribly sorry," Rarity added.
"No, no, my bad." I said, wiping away a bit of sweat, "really, I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that.. that was a little uncool of me."
"Yeah, we're real sorry that we can't use your hands to--"
"No, your apology is the only one I'm not accepting."
Lyra shrank a few sizes and was quiet.
A moment of silence passed.
"Um.." Princess Celestia spoke out hesitantly, "well.. I can use the same magic to teleport you back to Earth, if that would be to your liking.."
"Yeah, that would, uh.. that would be great. Really great. I mean, no offense or anything—"
"No, no, none taken, none taken—"
"—but yes, yeah, that would be.. I would really appreciate that."
"Again, we're all terribly sorry for all this—"
"I'm telling you it's fine—"
Sooner or later, I was sent back.
When all's said and done, I don't regret my decision.
I know stuff like being transported to another world and becoming a hero is the stuff of every guy's dreams - but seriously, when faced with the sheer reality of it all, coming to terms with the weight of yourself and your life and your decisions, how can you say that you would prefer choosing the fictional over the real? Am I just plain wrong in my reasoning? Is that what this is?
Rhetorical question. No, I can't have been wrong. I was an adult in that situation, responsible for myself and my future - and I'm sure that can't have been the wrong thing to be. You have to really think about things before you go through them, that's the issue here. Put all the pieces of your life together and seriously consider it - if you were transported to Equestria by some fantastical means, could you really leave everything behind and stay there? In a land operating on social conventions and languages so different from ours that you might spend the better part of your life trying to learn them? In a land where you couldn't possibly be able to ascertain your own future? In a land with no Wi-Fi? In a land where Domino's Pizza doesn't deliver? In a land where you would ultimately wind up so lonely that you'd go down the route of the 18+ fanfiction out of sheer desperation?
No deal. I don't want even the tiniest part of that. What's done is done, and if it happens again, I refuse again. Simple as that.
Anyways, I'm on duty tonight for dinner. After that, it's wrapping up homework for next tuesday, and hopefully putting the finishing touches on those writing supplements I've been neglecting. Honestly, applying to colleges can get a little overwhelming at times.
That chance encounter with the world of My Little Pony, the great and monumental honor of becoming the all-powerful human savior of another world..
That stuff's just a pain.
Seriously, one of you guys go do it. I'm busy here.
