Heads Above Water

by FrontSevens

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Fluttershy, Slice of Life, Dark, Sweetie Belle
Length: 4906

Overwhelmed as of late, Rarity considers a fatal means of ending the stress.

Rarity has been stressed lately, run ragged by tall orders and uncivil customers. However, another part of her considers a more fatal method of easing her burden.

The Dark tag and Teen rating are for the subject matter: suicide.

Published 2015-10-04 19:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-04 19:50:02 UTC

Conversations

“Today’s a good day, don’t you think?”

Rarity didn’t respond. She wiped her eyes and poured herself a bowl of oats and a glass of water. The water swirled around a bit when she finished pouring. She watched as it slowed down, the little bubbles within eventually disappearing. It was then she remembered why she’d poured the water. Rubbing her temples, she took a slurp, cringing at her own poor manners.

Not only had she had a late night last night, but she’d been rudely awakened early by Opalescence. She had to give her cat more credit, though. It was noble of Opal to ensure she woke up on time for an important day such as this one.

Rarity stopped for a moment, almost stepping on Opal’s tail, then planned a route around it. One dish at a time, she set her breakfast down on the table, then took a seat across the table from Other Rarity.

Other Rarity watched as Rarity took a bite of her oats. Then she leaned forward, pressing her hooves together, and blinked. “So? Today?”

“Not today,” Rarity said before eating a spoonful of oats. She chewed thoroughly before swallowing. “I’ve got ten orders from Baltimare to fill by the end of the day, and an order from Skylark Song, the mayor of Cloudsdale, as well as taking monthly inventory, all to do without a sewing machine that Mr. Ratchet can’t look at until Thursday. I won’t even have time to go to the spa today.” She sipped some water. “Today wouldn’t be a good day in any sense.”

“But those reasons, darling, are why today would be a great day,” Other Rarity said, twirling her mane. “You wouldn’t have to face any of that. All of your duties, your to-dos, deadlines, gone in an instant.”

Rarity wanted to think of a counterargument, but her fishbowl of a brain wasn’t helping. She shook her head, trying to keep the water from sloshing around too much in there. She supported her head with a hoof and let her spoon rest on top of the oats. “I’d rather not talk about this right now. I’m tired.”

Smirking a bit, Other Rarity leaned in and held up a hoof next to her mouth, whispering, “There’s a reason they say ‘rest in peace’, darling.” She leaned back and smiled more than she should have.

Rarity crossed her forelegs, raising her eyebrows to help keep her eyes open. She didn’t have the time to fall into a depressive slump this time. However, Other Rarity was starting to get the best of her. She groaned, rubbing her eyes. “You’re ever chipper this morning as always, I see.”

“Um… thanks?” Sweetie Belle said.

Rarity felt her heart beat an extra, harder thump, berating her for not being more aware. She stared at Sweetie Belle, her mouth stretching into a smile. “Sleep well?”

“I guess so, yeah,” Sweetie said, sidestepping towards the kitchen counter. Once there, she waited patiently, her eyes darting to the empty stool across from Rarity.

Rarity kept staring at her, wondering if she had caught on yet. Then, she realized Sweetie was only waiting for Rarity to prepare her breakfast. Using her telekinesis, Rarity dumped some oats in a bowl and poured her sister a cup of orange juice.

Other Rarity stood up and trotted over to the other side of the room as Sweetie Belle took her place. Sweetie drank some of her juice before saying, “Were you, uh, talking to somepony in here?”

Rarity glanced at her imaginary counterpart, but not too long as to raise Sweetie’s suspicions. Sweetie tended to make mountains out of mole hills, though she wasn’t the one with a chaise longue and three cartons of vanilla oat swirl always waiting in the wings. Sweetie Belle wouldn’t understand, anyway. She didn’t even have her cutie mark yet.

Rarity took a sip of water, knowing Other Rarity was looking on intently. “I was only talking to you, dear.”

Sweetie looked down, her eyes darting from oat to oat. “Before I came into the room, though. You were talking to somepony.”

“Yes, I talk to myself sometimes to help me remember things better.” Rarity nodded to Sweetie’s bowl of oats. “Hurry up and eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for school.”

“School starts in an hour and a half.”

Rarity held up a hoof, holding back a frustrated outburst. It wasn’t Sweetie’s fault. The best course of action was to leave the room. She wasn’t awake enough to endure any more interrogation. Taking one more drink of water, she set her dishes on the kitchen counter and plodded away, off to bring boxes full of the previous day’s orders to the post office.

Sweetie Belle looked at the dishes on the counter, biting her lip. Rarity was worse today. Not feeling hungry, she downed her juice and set it on the counter next to Rarity’s dishes, doing the same with her bowl of oats.

Usually, they alternated who did dishes every other day, and they’d both come to an agreement that if one of them missed a day, then the other would be allowed to nag about it as much as they wished. It was in good fun, but even Sweetie knew that now was not the appropriate time to nag, seeing as this was the eighth day in a row she’d have to do the dishes.

If it would make Rarity less stressed out, though, then it was worth it. “I’ll do the dishes tonight,” Sweetie Belle offered.

Rarity huffed. There Sweetie went, reminding Rarity of how horribly incompetent of a sister she was. Rarity closed her eyes and said through gritted teeth, “Have a good day, Sweetie.” She slammed the door behind her, immediately regretting how hard she slammed it.

Well, nothing could be done about it now. Rarity picked up the boxes along with her, wincing at Celestia’s bright sun. Up ahead, to Rarity’s annoyance, sat Other Rarity underneath a tree, tossing imaginary grapes into her mouth.

“No, not today,” Rarity said, turning up her nose. “And I’ve had just about enough of you.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Other Rarity said, smirking. “However, while we’re on the subject of you,” she said, sweeping her arms out in a grand motion, “wouldn’t you like to lay here for a while? Relax? Take some time to think?”

Rarity gave a quick whip of her tail in response, then trudged onwards to the post office.

~ ~ ~

“Ow!” Rarity exclaimed, accidentally stepping on a pin. “Oh, confound these wretched little things.” She picked it up off her workroom floor and shoved it back in a pin cushion.

“Are you all right?” Fluttershy said, lifting a hoof.

Rarity checked the bottom of her hoof. The throbbing and the pain were bothersome, but at least it wasn’t bleeding. She waved it off. “I’ll be fine, dear. Just need to be more careful, is all.”

“Oh, okay,” Fluttershy said. She set her hoof back down and reassumed a perfectly still and straight modeling position.

The dress she was wearing—a blue and white evening gown with a darker blue cape—wasn’t all that extravagant, but it was for a Cloudsdale official, and Rarity wanted to get it as right as possible. Skylark Song was too busy to fit the dress today, and she’d needed a pegasus to help her fit it. Ponnequins were great for outlining, but fine-tuning was best done on a real pony.

Rarity tied off the last stitch she needed for the cape. She craned her neck upwards to stretch, then settled her eyes on the dress, looking up and down it, then up at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy was the most patient and all around most wonderful pony to come into the shop today. Just that morning, there was one particular mare who ranted on and on about the dress she’d bought yesterday not fitting anymore and would not give Rarity an inch of sympathy, or even a chance to tell her she was more than happy to refund the dress. Even not compared to that customer, Fluttershy had been an absolute darling so far.

Rarity set her tools down and scanned the ground for any more stray pins. Once the floor was clear, she said, “By the way, Fluttershy, thank you for doing this.”

“It’s no problem at all, believe me,” Fluttershy said. “I’ve never modeled for a dress before and I’ve always wanted to try it. Besides, it can get pretty lonely sometimes down at my cottage.”

Rarity took a step back, partly to evaluate the composition of the dress, but also to consider Fluttershy. Rarity felt lonely, too. Perhaps Fluttershy would like somepony to talk to. However, they barely knew each other, and it’d be kind of awkward and selfish to dive into the dark personal thoughts she was feeling right now. Besides, who’d believe Rarity talked to another version of herself in her head?

However, by the time she’d let her mind wander about it, she’d forgotten what she’d been looking for in the dress. Rarity drooped her shoulders. “I’m sorry, dear. I’m usually more personable than this, but I’ve got much to do today, and I’m trying not to get too distracted.”

“I understand,” Fluttershy said, tightening her wings against her body.

“You can relax your wings,” Rarity said, smiling. “Whatever’s comfortable, dear.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Rarity stretched out her measuring tape, checking the proportions. The shoulders weren’t too big, nor were the bust or the waist. She brought the tape down to the bottom hem, but didn’t need to measure it to spot the problem.

The cape was dragging a bit on the ground, harming the flow of the dress. It needed to be smooth and flush with the floor. The hem needed to be higher. Rarity floated out her pin cushion and picked a few out, set them in the fabric, and realized her eyelids were less than half open at this point.

Her hooves complained, pining for a nice, long nap in her warm and soft bed. She was tempted to lay down on the spot and sleep. She had deadlines, though. Commitments that couldn’t wait or be put on hold.

She sighed. This sort of thing used to make her happy. She loved coming up with new ideas for dresses, and she took a lot of pride in her work, but these deadlines bore down on her harder than she ever thought they would. Now all she could focus on was a nap that might not have the patience to wait for too long.

“Doesn’t have to,” Other Rarity said.

Rarity snorted a little and dropped the tape, conscious that Fluttershy was standing five feet away. She avoided making eye contact with Other Rarity. You’re not allowed to disturb me while I’m working, she thought.

“Isn’t that funny? Your work seems to be disturbing you more than I,” Other Rarity said.

Rarity ignored herself, pressing the measuring tape up to the cape. “Needs trimming,” she said out loud.

“Ignoring me doesn’t work, you know,” Other Rarity said, stepping into Rarity’s field of vision.

Rarity looked away and fixated on a loop in the tape, the shape reminding her of a noose. Catching herself, she pulled the tape tight, making the loop disappear. Then she threw the tape away and picked up a pair of scissors to begin work on the hemline.

Other Rarity stepped in front of Rarity, forcing Rarity to look into her eyes. “You’re not responding because you know what I say is true. Deep down, where I come from in that head of yours, you know.”

Rarity stepped around Other Rarity and lifted the cape a little and lined up the blades to the spot where she wanted to cut, but her mind wasn’t able to focus on planning the path. Leave me alone, Rarity thought. Please leave me alone.

“You know how to make that happen,” Other Rarity said, looking down at the scissors in Rarity’s magic grasp.

The blades glinted in a ray of sunlight, and Rarity turned them over in her magic. She didn’t often think about how thin the edges of the scissors were. Scissors did tend to be sharp. Sharp, clean, and quick. No, Rarity thought. She turned the scissors around, aiming at the dress.

“Why stop there, dear?” Other Rarity said. “You’ve thought of so many other ways before.”

You have, not I, Rarity snapped, plunging the scissors through the fabric.

Other Rarity shrugged, raising a hoof to her chin and puckering her lips. “Who am I, again?”

“Um, Rarity? I’m not sure if the gaping hole there is intentional, but…”

Rarity glanced at Fluttershy, then down at the pair of scissors in her magic. Without realizing it, Rarity had cut through the cape, tearing up from the hemline and far into the dress. Thankfully, the dress was looser-fitting to the skin and tail and the scissors hadn’t cut past the fabric.

Rarity squeezed her eyes shut, recoiling from the awful sight. “It’s not still there, is it?”

“Yes, it is. Sorry.”

Rarity opened her eyes, trying to ignore the hole and putting her hoof on Fluttershy’s back. “Now, Fluttershy, there’s nothing to be sorry about. That was entirely my fault.” She stared at the hole, pawing at the loose, torn fabric. “I just, um, got distracted, is all.”

“Okay,” Fluttershy said, looking down at her hooves.

Rarity took a breath, shot Other Rarity a glare, then stepped back to assess the situation. She could simply stitch it back together to fix it, but that’d look much too sloppy and ruin the flow. She’d cut through a few layers of cloth, too, and it wouldn’t be as simple as replacing a few pieces.

“I’ll have to start all over,” she said, hardly believing her own words. It’d taken two hours to make this dress. She’d have to rush, but she could do it in one. “Do you mind coming back in about an hour, when I’ve got another dress ready to fit?”

“Oh, not at all,” Fluttershy said. “I’m more than happy to help.”

Rarity unzipped the dress and carefully slipped it off of Fluttershy. She could still use the dress as a reference to save time. Once the dress was off and draped over a ponnequin, she sighed. “I do apologize,” Rarity said. “I didn’t mean to waste your time like this. I promise I’ll make up for it in some way.”

“There’s no need,” Fluttershy said, giving her friend a hug.

Rarity almost stepped away, not expecting such a gesture.

Fluttershy backed away from the hug, then noticed how surprised Rarity seemed. She shrank back, turning away. “I’m sorry. You seemed stressed, and I thought—”

“No, it’s all right, dear,” Rarity said, patting Fluttershy on the shoulder. “I appreciate it. Thank you.”

Fluttershy smiled, then glided out the door.

Rarity watched, hoping Fluttershy understood that she really did appreciate it. It had to have been months since she’d received a hug from somepony. For a day filled with rushing and toiling and worrying over deadlines, she felt a glimmer of warmth and comfort just from that hug. It had been nice even just to have somepony else real in the room with her.

However, now she was alone, sunset fast approaching, with Skylark Song’s dress and four more standing between her and her bed. She was on the home stretch, but still waiting for that second wind. Maybe it’d surprise her.

Rarity pulled the dress over the ponnequin, zipping up the back, and getting some rolls of fabric ready. She could do it in an hour. It’d be a rough hour, but it was possible.

“You know what’ll save you an hour of work?” Other Rarity said.

“Don’t you start!” Rarity said, clenching her teeth. She whipped around and switched on the sewing machine, up to full speed. Even though the machine was broken, the noise of running it was loud enough to drown out anything else Other Rarity had to say.

~ ~ ~

Rarity plodded up the stairs and into her room, leaning against the doorway. It’d taken her until past midnight, but she had filled all her orders, boxed them up, and set them by the door, ready to ship first thing the following morning.

Now, all her work was finished and she was finally done. She dreaded thinking about how her mane may have looked at this point, and resolved to avoid looking at any mirrors until morning. Shuffling towards her bed, she trembled in anticipation of how good her sore legs would feel once she lay down.

Pulling back the covers, she stepped in and rolled into place. The mattress welcomed her with open arms and cradled her. The covers were softer than satin, the temperature just right. Rarity took a shaky breath in, then a slow breath out. It was exactly as glorious as she’d hoped.

She settled in, ready for a long night’s rest. Nuzzling up to her pillow, she spied her wall clock. The time was half past way too late.

“You know what it’s never too late for?” Other Rarity said, standing over Rarity’s bed.

“Shh,” Rarity said, waving her hoof at her subconscious construction. Mentally scolding herself for forgetting to shut the lights off, she pulled the covers over her head. “Sleep now.”

She thought this’d be enough to keep Other Rarity away, but at the same time she knew it wouldn’t. “You know what sleep is?” Other Rarity said. “It’s almost like practice for death. You’ve had so much practice, what’s left to worry about?”

Rarity stuffed the blanket in her ears, though she knew it was futile. After huddling under the sheets for a few minutes, she found she couldn’t keep the covers over her head—her head was getting too hot. She pulled them back, shielding her eyes from the light by draping a hoof over them. Normally, her sleeping mask would help her out here, but she’d lost that last week.

Rarity tried to turn the light switch off with her magic, but her horn had been absolutely worn out from the day. She tossed the covers off. Swinging her legs for momentum, she rolled out of bed and got on her hooves, her muscles shaking as she made her way across the room.

When she reached the wall, she slumped against it, her eyes riveted on the switch. Flipping it down with a hoof, she relished in the relief from the light. Now her room was dark, save for the moon’s dim, gentle glow. She turned around to make her way back to her bed, but Other Rarity stood in her way.

“Look at you, you poor thing,” Other Rarity said, reaching up her hoof, stroking it across Rarity’s cheek, cool as a draft on her skin. “Your bed is all you can think about, isn’t it?”

Rarity nodded, looking down. Her knees locked, and she felt the ground sway under her, her head heavy enough to tip her whole body over. Her eyelids tried to pull themselves closed, and she felt like she could fall asleep at any moment.

“Doesn’t sleep feel so nice? What if you could sleep forever?” Other Rarity laid a hoof on Rarity’s shoulder to help keep her balance. “Wouldn’t you like peace?”

Peace. The sound of the word soothed Rarity, relaxing her aches, untying the knots in her back. Peace would be nice.

She imagined herself floating out on the sea on a bright summer day. The warm ocean water gently rocked her on the surface. The sun peeked through the calm white clouds, warming her skin. The tingling aroma of sea salt teased her nose as a flock of seagulls flew overhead, playfully ribbing each other and gliding over the breeze. This was peace.

Her mind softened as she stared at the sun gracing the clouds. She felt all the cricks unknot in her neck, her back, her shoulders. Her body felt like jelly, light and surrendering to the impulse of the currents. She sighed, breathing out through her nose.

Her ears dipped underwater, listening to the hum of the ocean. She sensed no other fish or creatures here in the water—only her. The surface of the water waltzed before her now, like a living stained-glass window, light blue panels morphing and shimmering, the sun dancing across them.

A small itch tingled at the bottom of her lungs. She could lay here forever. The world wouldn’t miss her too much. There were many more famous boutiques in Canterlot to choose from, and many more dresses in the world. And many more ponies, certainly. Millions and millions. What was one less pony in the world?

But what about her world? Her business partners and acquaintances would find other outlets. Her friends might mourn for a little bit, but they’d move on eventually. And… her sister. She imagined Sweetie Belle sitting alone in the kitchen, staring at the cupboards, waiting for breakfast, but Rarity wouldn’t be coming back. Rarity was gone now.

The itch in her lungs grew, aching for breath. Sweetie sat on the cold linoleum floor, crying into her hooves, and no sound in reply but the room echoing back her own sobbing. Nopony was there to comfort her, to tell her it’s going to be okay. No older sibling to grow up with, to complain to, to tell a funny joke she’d heard earlier that day and had been waiting all day to share it. No one to tell her that sometimes the world can be cruel and life might not be fair, but she’d always be there for her to help her through the tough times and be with her to share in the joyful moments, the big victories as well as the little ones.

Rarity lurched as fire grew in her lungs, searing her chest and stomach. She pushed the water away, hooves flailing for the surface. Emerging from the water with a loud crash, she took in as much air as she could. She latched onto something hard and cold—the side of her bathtub.

She sat alone in the darkness, heaving for air. Her hooves slipped and flailed on the tub as she struggled to find purchase. Finally she did and set still, the room quiet except for her panting and the sound of dripping water.

Then the lights came on. Rarity winced as her eyes adjusted, then noticed that Sweetie Belle stood by the switch, eyes wide open. “Rarity?”

Rarity shivered, not because of the water, but because she was scared of what she had almost made herself do. She looked at her sister standing by the doorway, the lone light in the bathroom spotlighting her. Only one thought was on her mind. “I’m sorry,” Rarity said.

Sweetie didn’t move, her eyebrows knotted. Rarity didn’t know what else to say. She shook her head, wanting to help Sweetie understand, but too embarrassed and ashamed to explain what her big sister had just tried to do. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks, her throat getting tighter. “I’m so sorry,” Rarity choked out.

Sweetie still didn’t know what Rarity was so sorry about, but the sight of her sister crying made her want to cry, too, about whatever it was that was bothering Rarity. “What happened?” she squeaked out.

Rarity couldn’t look Sweetie in the eyes anymore. She kept shaking her head as she spoke. “I tried to do a terrible, terrible thing, Sweetie. I can explain later, but… I’m sorry.” She swallowed, spreading her arms, motioning for Sweetie to come closer.

Sweetie hesitated, then grabbed a towel off of the hanger and helped Rarity wrap herself with it. She squeezed her arms tight around Rarity’s shivering body, and they stood there, embracing each other as they became warmer together.

~ ~ ~

Fluttershy dipped her hoof in the warm water of the hoofbath and felt a tingling sensation. She pulled it out, but her hoof seemed fine. Rarity gave her a nod. Holding her breath, Fluttershy stepped into the water, one hoof at a time, and breathed out when she realized how pleasant it felt.

“See? Wasn’t so bad,” Rarity said.

“You were right. It feels really nice.” Fluttershy moved her hooves around, getting used to the feeling. It’d been a lot of firsts today—first time sitting in a sauna, first mud bath, first time she’d been completely wrapped in seaweed—and maybe next time she could ask for a little less seaweed—but it’d all been a positive experience, especially with Rarity here to guide her through it. “This was such a great idea.”

Rarity loosened her robe a little. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Certainly,” Fluttershy said. “I don’t think I’ve ever been taken care of like this before. This is nice.”

“Oh, I love it here,” Rarity said, taking a nostalgic whiff of the smelling salts. “The service is heavenly. As are the massages, and the sauna, and the absolutely magnificent world-class hooficures they do here. And it’s even better with somepony to enjoy it with,” Rarity said, smiling.

Fluttershy smiled back, nodding gently. “I agree, it’s wonderful here, as is spending time here with you.”

They both stood there for a minute, relaxing as their hooves soaked in the warm water. Rarity stood quietly, several times feeling the urge to speak and then hesitating. It’d been hard enough to bring this subject up with Fluttershy a few weeks ago. “I never would have thought that…” Rarity shifted a bit. She hated to be so direct, but keeping secrets had haunted her for too long. She spoke carefully. “That you, too, had such dark thoughts as I did. You seem so content.”

“Well, so many little creatures live with me that I shouldn’t feel so lonely, but I just do. I guess I like talking to other ponies sometimes, too.” Straightening her shoulders, she brushed a strand of her mane out of her eyes. “How have you been feeling lately?”

“Much better than a month ago. I’ve been improving on how I manage my time.” Rarity’s ears drooped. “You couldn’t imagine how hard it was to turn down a batch of orders from Choice Bourgeois from Canterlot this week. She knows a pony whose sister is a close friend of Fancy Pants, cream of the Canterlot crop, possibly my ticket to stardom and fame in the Canterlot fashion scene!” Rarity said, then dipped her chin and cleared her throat. “But I felt like it was for the best.”

Rarity rocked back and forth on her hooves, then realized her hooves had to be stationary in order for the hoofbath to work its magic. She watched the water’s surface as it settled and became still. “Sometimes I wonder if ponies like my work.”

“I would think so,” Fluttershy said. “I certainly love the dress you gave me.”

“You’re very welcome, darling, and I believe you, but, well,” Rarity said, drawing circles with her hoof, watching the water swirl around. “I get plenty of customers who smile on the way out the door, but I always wonder if they’re truly satisfied with what I’ve made or they’re just being polite.”

“I see what you mean,” Fluttershy said, tilting her head. “I think you can still be proud of your work. You make such lovely dresses every week. I mean, I don’t know how you do it so consistently in such little time.”

“I don’t know either, most of the time.” Rarity said. She surveyed the room and spotted Other Rarity, standing not twenty feet away.

Other Rarity hadn’t spoken for a while now, but Rarity noticed that she was still there sometimes, waiting. Rarity had learned to ignore her at that point. She would much rather talk with Sweetie Belle and Fluttershy and Fluttershy’s friend Rainbow Dash that she’d only met last week. She’d forgotten how nice it was to be around other ponies who cared.

Paying no mind to Other Rarity, she turned to Fluttershy and smiled. “Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Don’t mention it.” She looked past Rarity, noticing Other Fluttershy standing by a stack of towels.

Other Fluttershy watched Fluttershy, then turned away and folding her arms. Fluttershy couldn’t care less. She lifted her hooves out of the water as Lotus rushed to towel them off. “This was such a great idea. Let’s do this again sometime.”

“I wholeheartedly agree. How’s weekly sound? It’s Tuesday today.” Rarity nodded. “Let’s settle on Tuesdays, unless there happens to be another day that might work better for you.”

“No, I don’t think so. Today’s a good day.”

Rarity smiled, then looked down and shook her head. “It most certainly is.”

Author's Note

If you are considering suicide at the moment, please consider talking to somebody that you can trust, or call this number: 1-800-273-TALK. I haven’t called it myself but I’ve heard good things about it. For those outside of the US, here’s a list, though I have no experience with these: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines

If you know someone who may be thinking about suicide, please consider talking to them. It doesn’t even have to be about hard subjects like suicide—just talk about stuff you’re both interested in, hang out with them more often, play video games together, whatever. Loneliness can really suck.

Preread by NotSoSubtle and Roranicus